Tuesday, May 8, 2007

the power of christ impales you

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Dir: Lee Demarbre
Cast: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Ian Driscoll, Jeff Moffet.

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

You'd think that from the title alone you'd know what to expect from this movie....but, oh no, there's much more to it than just(!) The Saviour battling the undead my friends.....are you ready for Mexican wrestling hero Santos?....clown faced vampire lesbians?....song and dance numbers?....Kung Fu action?.....punk priests and the shit scary guy in the bushes? (The latter is a wild-eyed hairy beast of a man with mad eyes who appears randomly throughout the movie to spout frightening insights into Christianity and quotes from The Bible).

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"Pull my finger true believer!"

Opening with the sultry Vamp Maxine Shreck (see what they did there?) viciously murdering a hold ups wearing, sensible shoed nurse to satisfy her blood lust (and then stealing her car), we discover that these Vampires are immune to sunlight and that they have evil plans in store for the lesbian population of Ottawa....Who can save them?
Groovy priests for hire Father's Eustace and Alban decide that this is a job for Jesus, so Alban sets off on a holy scooter to ask the Son of God for help.
They find him at the beach drinking lemonade, baptizing the faithful and comparing the Kingdom of God to building a sandcastle. But their pleas for help are interrupted by a three way vamp attack! The priests are killed by the evil Maxine, but not before Jesus has dispatched her two helpers. Maxine escapes, leaving Jesus no choice but to follow her to the city.....

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"I fang you."

Arriving in the city and setting up base in a room supplied by the church Jesus' first challenge comes not from the forces of darkness but from a van full of atheists intent on disproving the power of God. Suffice to say Jesus kicks their arses, afterwards deciding that to complete his holy quest he needs to get a haircut and piercings and, aided by the buxom scarlet cat suited Mary Magnum, picks up some cool new togs too.

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Jesus and Mary (buxomness not shown).

After chasing down Maxine and ex church goer turned vampire leader Johnny Golgotha to a seedy hospital they discover the blood suckers evil plan.....Nutty, boss eyed mad scientist Praetorious is grafting the skin from the slaughtered lesbians onto comatose vampires thus enabling them to become 'day walkers'. (He also smears bits of body parts onto his face while working, just so we know how mental he is).
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny and a rooftop battle ensues resulting in Jesus getting beaten to a bloody pulp and Mary drained of her precious lifeblood by Maxine.

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Maxine and Mary (buxomness shown).

Jesus is left for dead in the streets....his pleas for help ignored by everyone passing, only a transvestite heeds his call....

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus (with the help of the transvestite) recovers from his physical wounds but his spirit is broken. How can he go on? who can help him battle this evil?
In a run down diner God appears to him as a bowl of cherries to tell him that famed Mexican wrestler Santos is on his way to join the fight.....

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Jesus! Santos! Kickos! Assos!

Finally! A 'B' movie worthy of that accolade! A fantastic cast, a brilliant premise, a sharp script, cool songs and an all round sense of fun all add up to make this movie one of the best religous/vampire/lesbian/kung fu/Mexican wrestling movies ever (and trust me on this, I've seen a few).
Phil Caracas plays Jesus to perfection (similar in style to the way Adam West played Batman), straight laced but warm and funny with it. I go as far as to say he's the definitive screen Messiah. Special mention must also go to Jeff Moffet for his Oscar worthy portrayal of Santos, how Joaquin Phoenix can get the glory for Walk The Line whilst this guy is left in obscurity is beyond me. There is no justice in the world.
Beg, borrow or steal a copy of this movie and spread the gospel according to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:
The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!

1 comment:

Hayley said...

EXCELLENT - I so need to see this film - sounds hilarious!!! Love the review Ash - fab :)