Wednesday, May 9, 2007

what a toon off.

Terror Toons (2002)
Dir: Joe Castro
Cast: Beverly Lynn, Lizzy Borden, Kerry Lui

In a quiet neighbourhood in 'anytown' USA, 'teenage' two sisters (who really look old enough to have their own place by now) have been left home alone by their parents (by home alone I mean in the house, not the hit movie which would have been better) played scarily enough by two men, the director being under the misapprehension that covering a guys face in flour makes them look female.

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"it is my manifest destiny to wear a dress on all seven continents"

Cindy receives a mysterious DVD in the mail from the Devil himself (as you do) and decides to watch it (she has a DVD player in her room? I only had a crappy Betamax!).
Candy is partying downstairs with her 'buddies' unaware that by watching the disc her sister has unintentionally unleashed the hordes of Hell (well, two of them) on Earth in the form of Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin.....If you think the Devil is bad, wait till you see the quality of the puppet makers he has working for him.
As the body count rises Cindy realises that she is the only one with the power to stop these evil cartoons from continuing their insane (ly average) murder spree. Can she save her friends?....or will everyone die? God knows they deserve it.

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Spank that monkey!

Aaaah, Joe Castro.
When his name appears on a video box in the capacity of 'director' you know you're in for a treat. The 'genius' behind such modern day classic as Legend of The Chupacabra, The Young, The Gay and The Restless and Jackhammer plus creator of the stunning effects for movies as wide ranging as Near Death, Blood Feast2 and Another Gay Movie certainly delivers the goods with this film. Unfortunately the goods are bashed, busted and well passed their sell by date.....Welcome to a world where mom's have five o'clock shadows and supposed 14 year old heroines have boob jobs and the greatest party game for teens at parties is 'strip Ouija'.....oh and the Devil is an old drunk with one horn bigger than the other.

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"Aye son!"

The 'acting' is non existent (during the extras one of the cast can't remember making the film and another tells how she can't remember lines so she just made dialogue up on the spot) and the effects consist of random animal puppets appearing from nowhere throughout the movie, when actual animated death scenes are called for we get this:

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Inside the mind of Glenn Michael.

and don't forget how when any of the female cast get bitten by the toons it always cuts to a monkey biting a man's shin. No matter what the actresses wearing we get the same shot......

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"aya! my BCG!"

Tho as a plus point, it does feature the best 'is this terror or is this my cum face?' acting ever to appear on celluloid.....

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"Put it in me!"

and what other movie can you think of that ends with a rat arsed Lucifer battling with a wanna be porn star playing a 15 year old dressed in a superhero 'costume' (consisting of some pimp shades, a teatowel cape, pink vest top and huge black granny pants)?

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"Meow!" probably.

If you make it that far the pay-off is divine....after killing the toons and defeating Satan the 'teens' are reprimanded by their returning parents for having a party in the house and trashing the place. Perhaps this is what really happened to 'Myspace' party girl Rachel Bell? The truth should be told.

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Toothsome real life 'Terror Toons' victim
Rachel Bell and a house yesterday.

Proof, if any were needed that horrific and sick films can affect impressionable teens. Who'd have guessed that Mary Whitehouse was right?

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