Sunday, July 22, 2007

jumping the shark.

"Why do I let you convince me to do these things?"

"Cause you're my bitch."

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Dir: David Worth.
Cast: John Barrowman, Jenny McShane, Ryan Cutrona, a bloody big shark.

In the trendy summer vacation resort of Playa Del Rey in Mexico, a group of scally lobster potters discover an unusually large shark tooth stuck into a fibre optic cable. Slightly disturbed by their find they decide to come clean about their illegal lobster potting to the uber-hunk local beach patrol guy Ben (Barrowman) and seek his fish style expertise to identify the tooth.

After much frowing and gritting of (his perfect) teeth Ben admits defeat, posting a picture of the tooth on a marine biologist dating/message board and is almost immediately PM-ed by sexy blonde Paleontologist Cataline 'Cat' Stone. She's sure the tooth belongs to a long thought extinct species of shark, the Carcharodon Megalodon, a prehistoric beast thought to grow up to 60 ft. in length. Luckily Cat discovers that it's the tooth of a baby Megalodon (luckily? it's still gonna be bloody huge!) so the dynamic duo decide to go look for it before it can ruin the resorts big opening celebrations.

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"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Why thank you ma'am!"

It's a race against time as the shark has decided it's quite peckish, bikini clad, topless, bottomless; all teens are the same to this bad boy as it decides to eat it's way thru' most of the movies (Bulgarian) cast members, but all seems well when Ben (kinda accidentally) kills little Meg and calm and serenity return to the beaches (as do many bikini clad Bulgarian babes).

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Everything seems back to normal, Ben's back to looking sexy in Speedo's, the local corrupt businessman, Hector is back to being corrupt and business-like and Apex Communications are happy that their cable is no longer getting chewed. But the death of the baby Megalodon hasn't gone unnoticed, it would seem that big momma Meg wants revenge on Ben and his buds.

Cat warns our hero that the mother is "larger than a greyhound bus" so it's up to Ben and his friend Chuck (plus Chuck's handy mini submarine and heat-seeking torpedoes) to save the day. Apex and Hector are moving to stop them tho', they have a sea-based boat bash to organise and no prehistoric mutha is going to spoil their fun.

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Fuck the shark, check the shoes!

David Worth, director of such highly regarded classics as Shark Attack 2, Kickboxer and three episodes of the Air America TeeVee series probably had no idea of what a cult classic he'd create when he signed to make this movie (if he had he'd have probably put a wee bit more effort into it). After years of obscurity (known only to those of us who enjoy big shark movies) the film finally found the audience it deserved after it's star, the fantastically fruity John Barrowman went stellar as Captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who.

Barrowman gives his all to the movie, totally eclipsing his (US and Bulgarian) co-stars, even ad-libbing the movie's best line:

As for the rest of the cast; Jenny McShane is blonde, buxom and doesn't mind getting her kit off (all the qualities of a Marine Paleontologist methinks), Ryan Cutrona is grey and grumpy as Ben's best pal chuck whose total cliche-ness can be summed up by this exchange with the sinister Mr. Tolley:

Chuck: You knew something dangerous was going on down there and you let them dive anyway!

Mr. Tolley: Calm down Chuck... I don't know what your talking about.

Chuck: Bull-fucking-shit!

See what I mean?.....sheer shorthands-ville (Which, coincidently isn't a real place, I made it up for this review) coupled with sloppy writing, can you believe it took two people to write that dialogue?

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This really is the quality of the effects.

Saying that tho' it's easy to slag of the movies low budget and indifferent performances (and if truth be told it is kinda fun to do that) but where else would you find a big CGI shark eating a tuxedo-ed man on a jet ski in one gulp? or the Barrowman naked 'n' straight for pay?

Go know you want to.....

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