Monday, September 5, 2011

t-rextacy.

Just rewatched this lost classic and had to share.


Look, it was either this or Torchwood.

Tammy And The T-Rex (1994)
Dir: Stuart Raffil
Cast: Denise Richards, Paul Walker, George Pilgrim, Sean Whalen, Theo Forsett, Terry Kiser, a big dinosaur.


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Fish lipped high school cheerleader Tammy (Richards) is in love with football jock Michael (Walker) unfortunately tho' her gang-banger ex-beau Billy (Pilgrim) is making her life hell, stalking her, phoning her and generally being a bad lad.

Everything goes pear shaped when Billy Badman catches Michael and Tammy together and, as any leather-clad jealous ex would do in that situation, he drags Michael off to the zoo and throws him into the lion enclosure.

Ouch!
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Fast, furious and fish lipped.



Michael is only slightly (but not quite fatally) mauled and is rushed to hospital under the care of medical mentalist Dr. Wachenstein (Kiser).

Hurriedly squeezing into her slut chic outfit, Tammy rushes to Michael's hospital bed, only to find that Wachenstein has transplanted Michael's brain into the body of a ferocious T-Rex.

As you would.

Michael wakes up in his new (tiny handed) body and understandably goes on a mad killing rampage culminating in an attack on Billy and his gang at a pool party.

Luckily for the crew the 'delicate' animatronics didn't fuse in the water, tho' the fact that the dinosaur can only move it's head ala the Clooney Batman probably means it was a clockwork one.

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Little eyes, tiny hands and fish breath.



Tired of all the senseless (PG-13) killings, Michael decides to kidnap Tammy (tho' how he can pick her up in those itsy bitsy stick thin arms is anyones business).

It doesn't take Tammy long to figure out that the horny lizard rubbing against her leg is her beau, so begins a race against time (and good taste) to find Michael a more 'acceptable' body more suitable for giving Tammy the love she needs whilst dodging the local sheriff and the mad doctor intent on reclaiming his latest creation.

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"Don't worry, I have protection".



In the way out world of wacky comedies, Tammy and the T-Rex is in a league of its own as far as jokes (or lack of them) go.

But for fans of cliche ridden ultra-crap cinema the movie is a real find, a film so utterly and irredeemably bad it has no positive points at all.

Stereotypes on show include the gay and cowardly (not to mention black best friend) Byron, Wachenstein the mad German doctor and his busty, blonde assistant Helga (I kid you not).

Most of the alleged comedy comes from some Chuckle Brothers style pratfalls and the fact that Tammy might be sleeping with a dinosaur, I mean just imagine the films standing if the director had show the balls to give us some foxy Denise on dino' soft focus, MOR scored loving...or is that just me that gets excited by that thought?

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Denise Richards, up the casino, Blackpool
pleasure beach, the Cretaceous period.

The director wisely tries to cover her lack of acting talent, comic timing, freakishly large cod-like lips by dressing her in more and more slutty outfits as the movie progresses, Finally giving up and just dressing her as an out of work butch transsexual Madonna impersonator.

Saying that tho' it is the hottest she's ever looked but maybe that says more about me than the movie.


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If I had to pick a couple of plus points tho' (if for example the director was threatening to burn my Blackhawk Squadron collection), I'd have to mention the sight of a huge T-rex watching a funeral from behind a bush and the 'tender' love moments between Tammy and a large rubber dinosaur were vaguely amusing but that's about it.

Bye bye Blackhawk then.

Worth it only if you're a crap dinosaur fan or get off at the thought of Denise Richards dressed up like your uncles new mail-order 'girlfriend' at Christmas whilst flirting outrageously with a rubber T-Rex.



Or if you have shit for eyes.

2 comments:

marto said...

Sir, this will haunt me in my dreams forever!

lightning Paw said...

This widnae happen.