Wednesday, August 8, 2007

rockin' with roberts.

DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)
Dir: Corey Yuen
Cast: Jaime Pressly, Devon Aoki, Holly Valance, Sarah Carter,
Natassia Malthe, Eric Fucking Roberts.


Regular readers will know that I don't often review (fairly) 'modern' films on this blog (3 podlings under 4 needing training in the ways of the 'B' movie leaves little time for anything else). But every so often a movie comes along that is so perfect in every way, so amazing in it's execution that it becomes a bona fide classic of it's genre. DOA: Dead or Alive is one such movie.

Bow to it's greatness.

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On a mysterious island a yearly fighting tournament called DOA is held to determine the worlds top fighter but this year the contest is a personal crusade for one of the contestants, the cutesy freckled ninja princess Kasumi (Aoki) who is determined to discover exactly what happened to her brother who supposedly died at the previous event. Unfortunately for her, a fellow ninja (and her brothers beau) the purple haired Ayane (Malthe) is now honor-bound to kill Kasumi for leaving her clan. Ooops.

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A ninja princess' arse yesterday.

Also competing is assassin and all round arse wiggling, reverse charge calling bad girl Christie (Valance) who, alongside her camp partner Max have a plan to break into the DOA vaults and leg it with the prize money.

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Holly Valance in a bra (almost) with a gun.
Tissues required.

Then there's Texan rose Tina (Pressly), the stars and stripes bikini clad former pro wrestler desperate to prove that she's not a fake in the ring and her Hulk Hogan-alike dad Bass who's basically along for the free drink.

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A sweaty American in a bikini
(and yes, it is important to the plot).


There are a load of other folk but none that look as good in swimsuits, except Helena that is. She's the daughter of the tournaments recently deceased founder, taking part for the first time.

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Bikini clad girls grappling each other.
In the rain. Yes, there is a God.

Anyway, onto the plot.

Arriving at the island the contestants randomly paired up to fight each other, this can be at any time and any place, the winner receiving $10,000,000 in prize money.

Everything seems above board, until you realise the competition is being run by none other than ERIC ROBERTS and it would appear that the lizard king has secret plans for the competition winner.....

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The sexiest picture yet.

You see, Eric has secretly injected 'nanobots' into the fighters enabling him to monitor (and ultimately download) their different fighting skills into a pair of nifty shades giving him and anyone with the money the chance to become the worlds top fighter. Diabolical.

Oh yeah, and if that's not enough, there's a heart warming romance between Helena and the geeky computer nerd that developed the program. Something for everyone then!

Director Corey Yuen (he of the abysmal Transporter) does a surprisingly good job of mixing a very human plot of honour, redemption and friendship with shots of scantily clad ladies fighting in slow motion, girl on girl fight action (in bikinis) in the rain, and close ups of Devon Aoki's tanned arse, not forgetting the fantastic volleyball match and the scene where Vallance takes out 4 policemen using a bath towel whilst only wearing little black undies.

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I can see this movie becoming every 14 year old boy's entertainment of choice, replacing the underwear section of the Kays catalogue in their affections, and frankly why not? Any movie that can entertain, stimulate and still manage to give a realistic view on the current socio-political climate deserves to be seen by everyone. The youngsters viewing it today are the leaders of tomorrow and the world will be a better place if the take the lessons of this movie and put them into practice.

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Rush out and rent it NOW.....and if you're still not swayed, here's the aforementioned pant/towel fight.

If that doesn't convince you then there really is no hope!


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