Wednesday, September 26, 2007

brothers in arms.

Who could have foreseen that Britain's premiere comedy duo, The Chuckle Brothers would be celebrating twenty years at the top this year?

Not me that's for sure.

But if anyone's due an Unwell tribute it's them.....


Twin brothers Barry (born 24 December 1843)
and Paul Von Chuckle (born 18 October 1870) were abandoned by their parents in the forests of Lithuania when it was discovered that they suffered from a rare form of Lycanthropy that caused them to be born with a full head of thick, spiky brown hair, moustaches and mullets.

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The earliest photo of
Barry Von Chuckle, aged 5.

Saved from certain death and raised by a passing band of cannibalistic circus gypsies, the brothers were versed in the dark and ancient rites of 'knockabout comedy', entertaining the crown heads of Europe until a fateful night in 1907 when they found themselves shipwrecked off the coast of Scotland after a particularly violent storm.

Left penniless and homeless the brothers survived the only way they knew how, desecrating graves and feasting on the flesh of corpses, absorbing the very essence of the recently deceased bodies and pawning their rings.

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Relaxing on a cemetery
gate, August 1910.

It was during one such graveyard excursion that they discovered tickets to the ITV talent show New Faces in the jacket pocket of a murdered country singer. Stealing the tickets the brothers decided to audition.

It came as a surprise to audiences and contestants alike when the duo won the series in 1974 after the bookies favourite, Wee Charlie Hadcock (an Edinburgh-based ventriloquist suffering from leprosy whose catchphrase "moldy bread!" had taken the nation by storm at the time) was found dead in his dressing room with his throat ripped out.

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The last known photo of
Wee Charlie Hadcock.

The boys should have been catapulted to stardom had it not been for a terrifying incident during the final curtain call where the full moon like shape of the arc lights coupled with the over excited pheromones of fellow contestant Marti Caine caused the brothers to revert to their true form...that of giant humanoid dog-like creatures (with mullets).

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Grade: pseudo-sexual

Luckily bloodshed was avoided when one of Caine's fellow judges, Lord Lew Grade managed to calm the brothers by singing an old Lithuanian lullaby in his native tongue before subduing them with his silver topped walking stick and whisking them away to a top secret research facility hidden beneath Pinewood studios.

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A photo found in the basement of
Pinewood studio's during
recent renovations.

What happened to Paul and Barry in the intervening ten years is difficult to know, rumour has it that Grade spent millions trying to harness their sheer animalistic entertainment talent (and luxurious hair length) to create a new race of Teevee personality (ex Magpie frontman Mick Robinson was discovered to be part of this breeding programme), this would explain the sightings of large wolf-like beasts reported around the studio's in the mid seventies and the excessive amounts of missing persons the police have on file for the Pinewood area at the time.

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Mick Robinson, Algarve 1978.

The brothers would have become a footnote in history had it not been for the efforts of world renowned animal expert and geneticist Rod Hull, who in late 1984, launched a daring raid on the studio to free Paul and Barry and offer them a lucrative BBC contract. The mission (codenamed: Entertainment Express) did not go smoothly however, a spy in the ranks meant that Grades crack ITC elite were waiting for them, mortally wounding funnyman Peter Glaze. Had it not been for the sacrifice of Bernie Clifton's ostrich, Oswald there would have been many more casualties.

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Clifton and Oswald shortly before
the raid that would claim his life.

The story had a happy ending (and a new beginning) for the Chuckle Brothers, thanks to the help and guidance of Hull and Barbara Woodhouse, Paul and Barry launched themselves onto our Teevee screens in 1985 with the spectacular
Chucklehounds, a series of short shows (often featuring the brothers moving pianos) with no dialogue aimed at a pre-school audience.

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Barry Chucklehound moves a piano.

The viewing public, caught up in the excitement of the show failed to realise that the brothers were not, in fact wearing costumes but still trapped in their Vulpine form and tho' ratings were high the duo were kept away from public appearances for fear that they may eat the children.

In 1986 however a breakthru' occurred when famous Doctor of Scienctific things, Magnus Pike discovered that an enzyme secreted from the brother's forebrain
(usually found at the ballooning end of the neural tube and located most rostrally (toward the nose). The caudal end of this ballooning portion is the rhombencephalon (4th ventricle), the middle part of the balloon is the mesencephelon, and the anterior part of the balloon is the proencephelon/forebrain. It was discovered that the brothers proencephalon was divided by the ballooning inwards - rather than out- laterally of the telencephalic vesicles) could be used to ferment a change in their physiognomy, returning them to their 'human' form.

But you all probably knew that.

The procedure was a success and the brothers, with the the last vestige of their wolf form, razor sharp incisors cunningly hidden behind bushy moustaches quickly moved on to their most famous show, Chuckle Vision in 1987 and, with catchphrases such as "To me....To you!", "Fancy a spin in me motor?" and "Ooooh....he's a suave bugger!" the show was an overnight hit bringing in over 19 million viewers.

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suave buggers indeed!

There was nothing to stop the brothers now, wining the BAFTA for best children's series and launching the quiz 'To Me, To You', the basic format of which was deceptively cunning; involving as it did two teams, competing each round for prizes on a morticians trolley (albeit with a fake corpse attached). By rolling a dice carved from human bone the teams had to get the trolley to their end of the board. The 'squares' leading up to their end of the board often represented dangerous challenges such as piranha pools, quick lime pits and gun emplacements manned by ex-Soviet special forces. The rounds ended when this was achieved and new prizes were put on the trolley, which was reset to the centre.

The show lasted for three series before being banned under the UN war crimes committee.

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The brothers soon returned to their second love (their first being grave robbing) appearing on stage almost constantly throughout the year all over the UK.

Past shows have included
The Erotic Adventures of the Chuckle Brothers, The Chuckle Brothers in - Trouble at Sea, Raiders of the Lost Bark, Barry Potty and his Smarter Brother Paul in the Chamber of Horrors, The Chuckle Brothers meet Anne Frank, Star Doors, Pirates of the River Rother, Doctor What & The Return Of The Garlics, Spooky Goings On and currently Spooky Goings On 2: Prayer of the Crack Ho's.

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They are currently preparing their 2007 Christmas pantomime
and according to the Chuckle Brothers official website announced that their tour for 2008 would be called "Indiana Chuckles and the Dogs Bollocks".



lightning Paw said...

You bastard, you pure made me spit my tea everywhere! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Rollie said...

The chuckle brothers kidnapped my brother 12 years ago and now make him work 24 hour shifts in their secret lemonade factory.
He was one of the lucky ones.