Less a series of reviews, more a thinly disguised cry for help... "We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
boom boom.
Mad Foxes (AKA Mad Foxes: Stingray 2, 1981)
Dir: Paul Grau.
Cast: Robert O'Neal, Laura Premica, Siggy Helm, Sally Sullivan, Peter John Saunders and Hank Sutter.
Back in late 1984 when the infamous video nasties bill was tightening it's grip on the outlying regions and border systems, enterprising schoolboys with Saturday jobs in video shops spent every waking hour procuring said nasties from shop managers for a pound each, only to sell them on to friends and acquaintances for up to a tenner at time.
One such film was Mad Foxes, to a fourteen year old boy an exciting mix of vigilante action, Nazi's, murder, motorbikes and, as my school chum Jamie Bridle put it "A couple shagging in the bath!".
To an adult revisiting it however you realize that it's actually one of the most disturbingly insane, atrociously made, politically incorrect movies of all time.
Yes, it's that good.
The plot is as simple (minded) as it is brilliant, Hal (O'Neal from Zombie Creeping Flesh and your mums bedroom) and his cutsey girlfriend are sitting at a red light minding their own business (they're in a car by the way, I mean they're not just sitting by the side of the road on a pile of coats) when an old bald man and his geriatric motorcycle gang pull up and start 'hassling' them.
Unimpressed by the cut of their jib (tho' impressed by the finely ironed creases in their trousers) Hal drives off giving the bikers an excuse to give chase.
Ain't that always the way?
Unfortunately one of the gang is killed in the high speed road rage that follows when he crashes his bike into a parked Fiat Uno (oh the embarrassment).
Acting as if things like this happen to them all the time Hal and his hot chick ignore his cries for help and drive off to a discotheque to frug the night away.
Cue twenty minutes of dad dancing and bouncy unbridled late 70s boobs all cut to a hellishly inappropriate - and scarily unfashionable especially for 1981 - disco score.
So far so Saturday Night Fever
Albeit set in Blackpool.
Leaving the club high on love and cheap poppers Hal is surprised to find the biker gang lying in wait and before you can say 'funky moped' hunky Hal is knocked unconscious by a bald bad man whilst the evil gang fiddle with his girlfriend.
Ouch.
Luckily Hank is a member of an all male nude Kung Fu club (which isn't in any way remotely homo-erotic, no sir) and calls on them to help him plan his revenge.
The group decide to gatecrash the bikers funeral, getting oriental on the gangs arses before cutting off the bald gang leaders penis and popping it in his mouth.
This isn't going to end well is it?.
Battered, bruised and bashfully bummed the remaining bikers (led by a new fully cocked bad man named Terry Stiletto) turn up at the Kung Fu school, throw a grenade into the classroom and start machine gunning the students.
And if this wasn't enough payback they torture the class teacher in order to gain Hanks address before stabbing the poor guy to death.
Which for this movie is a pretty boring way to go.
Turning up at Hanks pad the gang kick down the door and start smashing stuff - including his priceless collection of Sylvanian Family china figurines - which although is pretty mean does give Hank enough time to jump out of the window and into his souped up Stingray (the car, not the submarine) to make his escape.
Unfortunately the gang are in hot pursuit.
I'd like to add that at this point that all this happens within the first thirty five minutes of the movie.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
Driving along to his mum and dads house, Hal takes a break from all this revenge to pick up a foxy, button nosed female hitch-hiker named Lilly before stopping in a field to have some 70s style sex with her.
Wiping his cock on her rucksack the pair continue on to his folks luxurious mansion they proceed to have even more of the sex in the bath - Jamie was right; you can see her bush and everything - before going out for a leisurely stroll.
But while Hal and Lilly are out enjoying the scenery, yup you guessed it the bikers turn up at the house, killing the gardener with his own hedge trimmers, shooting the cook in the arse and machine gunning Hank's dad before shooting Hanks wheelchair-bound mum in the face.
They then gut the maid and fiddle with her intestines before leaving.
Which is nice.
Hal returns (after more sex) to find everybody dead and solemnly vows even more revenge.
With only 20 minutes of the films running time left Hank hunts down the gang one by one, slaughtering them like dogs until only Stiletto is left.
Stiletto is wise to Hanks plan tho' and has set and elaborate booby trap to stop our hero.
Confident and (maybe a little too) cocky, Stiletto retires to the lavatory for a pooh and a quick read of exchange and mart only for Hank to pop in thru' the window and drop a grenade down the pan.
The camera holds a close-up of Stiletto's penis for an uncomfortably long time before it - and the bathroom - explodes.
Hal drives home, all revenged out and ready for some celebratory sex with Lilly only to find the castrated old bald man sitting on his bed holding a home made bomb.....
What can you say about Mad Foxes that hasn't been said at least a hundred (well eight) times before?
It's badly constructed, poorly dubbed and inanely plotted with an ending left open for a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.
And by left open I mean there isn't one, bomb goes off....that's it.
The overload of violence, nudity and general sleaziness means that by 20 minutes into the movie your brain has melted and is oozing out of your ears....filled with bloodshed, explosions and more cock that you can shake a stick at, Mad Foxes is a truly unique experience.
Oh, and Jamie was right, it is a really good bath shag scene.
Dir: Paul Grau.
Cast: Robert O'Neal, Laura Premica, Siggy Helm, Sally Sullivan, Peter John Saunders and Hank Sutter.
 |
| "Hey Stiletto, give her a good screw!" |
Back in late 1984 when the infamous video nasties bill was tightening it's grip on the outlying regions and border systems, enterprising schoolboys with Saturday jobs in video shops spent every waking hour procuring said nasties from shop managers for a pound each, only to sell them on to friends and acquaintances for up to a tenner at time.
One such film was Mad Foxes, to a fourteen year old boy an exciting mix of vigilante action, Nazi's, murder, motorbikes and, as my school chum Jamie Bridle put it "A couple shagging in the bath!".
To an adult revisiting it however you realize that it's actually one of the most disturbingly insane, atrociously made, politically incorrect movies of all time.
Yes, it's that good.
The plot is as simple (minded) as it is brilliant, Hal (O'Neal from Zombie Creeping Flesh and your mums bedroom) and his cutsey girlfriend are sitting at a red light minding their own business (they're in a car by the way, I mean they're not just sitting by the side of the road on a pile of coats) when an old bald man and his geriatric motorcycle gang pull up and start 'hassling' them.
Unimpressed by the cut of their jib (tho' impressed by the finely ironed creases in their trousers) Hal drives off giving the bikers an excuse to give chase.
Ain't that always the way?
Unfortunately one of the gang is killed in the high speed road rage that follows when he crashes his bike into a parked Fiat Uno (oh the embarrassment).
Acting as if things like this happen to them all the time Hal and his hot chick ignore his cries for help and drive off to a discotheque to frug the night away.
 |
| "So....you fancy a wee bit of mooth shite-in sexy lady?" |
So far so Saturday Night Fever
Albeit set in Blackpool.
Leaving the club high on love and cheap poppers Hal is surprised to find the biker gang lying in wait and before you can say 'funky moped' hunky Hal is knocked unconscious by a bald bad man whilst the evil gang fiddle with his girlfriend.
Ouch.
 |
| What your girlfriend was really up to when she said she was studying with friends. |
The group decide to gatecrash the bikers funeral, getting oriental on the gangs arses before cutting off the bald gang leaders penis and popping it in his mouth.
This isn't going to end well is it?.
Battered, bruised and bashfully bummed the remaining bikers (led by a new fully cocked bad man named Terry Stiletto) turn up at the Kung Fu school, throw a grenade into the classroom and start machine gunning the students.
And if this wasn't enough payback they torture the class teacher in order to gain Hanks address before stabbing the poor guy to death.
Which for this movie is a pretty boring way to go.
 |
| Your dads cum face. Trust me I've seen it often enough. |
Turning up at Hanks pad the gang kick down the door and start smashing stuff - including his priceless collection of Sylvanian Family china figurines - which although is pretty mean does give Hank enough time to jump out of the window and into his souped up Stingray (the car, not the submarine) to make his escape.
Unfortunately the gang are in hot pursuit.
I'd like to add that at this point that all this happens within the first thirty five minutes of the movie.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
Driving along to his mum and dads house, Hal takes a break from all this revenge to pick up a foxy, button nosed female hitch-hiker named Lilly before stopping in a field to have some 70s style sex with her.
Wiping his cock on her rucksack the pair continue on to his folks luxurious mansion they proceed to have even more of the sex in the bath - Jamie was right; you can see her bush and everything - before going out for a leisurely stroll.
 |
| THE greatest movie scene ever...if you were 14 and from Sedgley obviously. |
But while Hal and Lilly are out enjoying the scenery, yup you guessed it the bikers turn up at the house, killing the gardener with his own hedge trimmers, shooting the cook in the arse and machine gunning Hank's dad before shooting Hanks wheelchair-bound mum in the face.
They then gut the maid and fiddle with her intestines before leaving.
Which is nice.
Hal returns (after more sex) to find everybody dead and solemnly vows even more revenge.
 |
| "Put it in me!" |
With only 20 minutes of the films running time left Hank hunts down the gang one by one, slaughtering them like dogs until only Stiletto is left.
Stiletto is wise to Hanks plan tho' and has set and elaborate booby trap to stop our hero.
Confident and (maybe a little too) cocky, Stiletto retires to the lavatory for a pooh and a quick read of exchange and mart only for Hank to pop in thru' the window and drop a grenade down the pan.
The camera holds a close-up of Stiletto's penis for an uncomfortably long time before it - and the bathroom - explodes.
Hal drives home, all revenged out and ready for some celebratory sex with Lilly only to find the castrated old bald man sitting on his bed holding a home made bomb.....
What can you say about Mad Foxes that hasn't been said at least a hundred (well eight) times before?
It's badly constructed, poorly dubbed and inanely plotted with an ending left open for a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.
And by left open I mean there isn't one, bomb goes off....that's it.
The overload of violence, nudity and general sleaziness means that by 20 minutes into the movie your brain has melted and is oozing out of your ears....filled with bloodshed, explosions and more cock that you can shake a stick at, Mad Foxes is a truly unique experience.
Oh, and Jamie was right, it is a really good bath shag scene.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
phrase of the day.....
From Mr. Dissolved Paul:
"I've had the misfortune to slowly crawl through the sewers of cinematic discharge".
Utter gold!
"I've had the misfortune to slowly crawl through the sewers of cinematic discharge".
Utter gold!