Friday, October 12, 2007

just say no.

You may have noticed dear reader that I've not been blogging as much of late, partly due to being in the middle of organising a huge multi-media (well music and visuals which is kinda multi I guess) Halloween event, fighting my 15 month old podling Cassidy for control of the computer and working my way thru a ton of top quality movie files that have appeared in our house of late.

Among the various Japanasty tentacle porn, Eurosleaze and Blaxploitation epics (why do people send me this stuff?) were some top drawer public information movies that I just have to share with you, plus possibly the most offensive film trailer I have ever seen.

But more on that later.

First let me introduce you to Boys Beware, a film produced in 1961 by Sid Davis and The Inglewood Police Department to warn young boys about the dangers of 'the mentally ill and twisted' homosexual child molester (homosexuals, according to this film are all pedophiles, sick and diseased and sexually aggressive...which is nice).

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A filthy homosexual pedophile yesterday.

The friendly police officer explains many of the techniques these sexual predators may use on young boys such as praise, companionship, money, presents and becoming 'over personal' to win over a child's trust before buggering, murdering or buggering and then murdering them.

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"Fancy a ride in my car son?"

"No...but I will suck you off for a tenner".

If that wasn't the strangest public information film ever then Disney's 'The Story of Menstruation' might just be. Originally delivered to the International Cellu-Cotton Company on October 18, 1946. It runs approximately ten minutes and it's been estimated that the film has been seen by approximately ninety-three million American women (tho possibly not all at once).

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Exactly what it says on the tin.

Narrated by a very serious old lady The Story of Menstruation explains, umm, menstruation using animated diagrams and
weird female characters with HUGE Mekon and big rictus grins (except for ones with cramps obviously) doing housework, riding horses and taking showers. Phew! I didn't think you could do any of these things during your period I thought you melted!

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Advice given to menstruating ladies includes: "Try not to throw yourself off schedule by getting overtired, emotionally upset, or by catching cold!" and "It's smart to keep looking smart!"

Right on!

On the subject of periods I came across (not literally....well, not all of them) a fantastic compilation series with the catchy name of
Nachten van de Wansmaak t'other day. It's a collection of forgotten (and should be forgotten) trailers and short films (ripe for my bizarro 'celluloid deconstruction' experiments).

Imagine my shock (and horror) when buried among the Zombi Holocausts and Last Cannibals I find the
beautiful whirlwind of art terrorism that is:

All Women Have Periods.

This frankly disturbing 1979 d
ocumentary explores (in true Dogma style) the mystery and wonder of where periods come from.

And just where is that?

As the creepy mom puts it "blood from inside of my body comes outside from an opening in between my legs".

And that's all the information given.

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"It's a letter from the judge...
you're frying tonight".

The rest of the films (mercifully) short running time is taken up by stark shots of the mom sitting in a door less bathroom chanting the mantra "Blue on one side, white on the other" whilst showing her skeleton headed daughter (in clinical close-up) how to use a sanitary towel.

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"You'll never get yer hands
on me lucky charms!"

I can safely say that this is the only film that has ever given me sleepless nights. I'm in a cold sweat even typing about it.....Anyway, needing something to calm my nerves I skipped thru the disc to see what other pleasures it had in store for me....

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After an evening of predatory older men and sanitary products my mind was ill prepared for the full five and a half minute European trailer for Lee Frost's 1969 'classic' Love Camp 7.

The movie (one of the original 74 video nasties in the UK and consequently banned outright) tells the 'true' story of a Nazi "Love Camp" that services the needs of front line officers. Two young WAC officers go undercover as POW's in the prison camp hoping to get some information from a scientist that's being held there, before being sprung out by the (porn moustached) French resistance.

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Reg Varney: the Nazi years.

Unfortunately, as is the case in many of these movies things go wrong with the break out and they end up being subjected to the same indignities as the other inmates.

You can guess the rest.

The producer takes pride in announcing that the film is based on 'documented evidence' and was shot on location in an 'actual Nazi love camp', he even goes so far as to appear in the movie as the evil camp commandant, which says it all really.

When the film was eventually re-submitted to the BBFC in 2002 it was refused a certificate with the statement - 'The whole purpose of the work is to invite male viewers to relish the spectacle of naked women being humiliated for their titillation'.

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Tall woman or long light bulb?

It's good to know that after all my years of "s
lowly crawling through the sewers of cinematic discharge" as my good friend Paul Daniels put it, that I at least have some semblance of good taste left, plus it puts the recent complaints against my animated Gerry Anderson inspired short, Planet of The Space Whores into perspective.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Is that woman using the toilet while talking to that young girl?