Thursday, May 31, 2007

may stiffs

It's that sad time of the month where we round up (not in a literal way of course) all those top chaps and chapesses that have shuffled off this mortal coil (not the 'pop' group) this last month...

Bobby Ash was known to millions of Canadian children as 'Uncle Bobby' (but not in a bad man way). Famous for his freaky mad professor hair and stylish suits, Bobby introduced the world to such characters as Bimbo The Birthday Clown
and his 'human' pals including Alex the guitarist, Meredith Cutting the Singing Policeman, ventriloquist Cy Leonard and his magical brother Ron, Traffic Officer John (who gave the children tips about road safety), accordian superstar Nancy McCaig and art terrorist combo Barry McKay and Ruth Winkler (drawer of things and sculptor of plasticine models).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Canada's fave (none dodgy) uncle.

Theodore Maiman inventor of the laser. Nuff said really.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"One day, the director of Zombie Lake
will name himself after my invention!"


Wally Schirra one of the original 'Mercury Seven' and later Gemini and Apollo astronauts. He did indeed prove he had the right stuff.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Impressive but he'll never
fit in that capsule tho'.


Ben Weisman
Writer and musician, most famous for writing over 60 songs with Elvis Presley, including Wooden Heart and Follow That Dream and scoring the Ed Wood lost classic Crossroads at Lerado for its DVD release in 1995.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The King and I (son).

Shinsuke Achiha former actor and one of the stars of Tsuburaya Productions’ classic television series ULTRA SEVEN (Urutora Sebun). He played Soga, the expert marksman of the Ultra Garrison who each week fought alongside Ultra Seven and his alter ego Dan Moroboshi (Koji Moritsugu).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Ultraseven: don't leave me hanging.

Tony Bastable
original host of ITV's punk rock style answer to Blue Peter, Magpie alongside sexy
Susan Stranks and 'straight' Pete Brady. He went on to become a high flying TV producer. but returned to host The Money Programme.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The names that set a thousand
schoolboys giggling.


Bruno Mattei
Italian director of such classics as Zombie Creeping Flesh, Rats, Strike Force and Cruel Jaws. He was working on his 257th movie Island of The Living Dead 2 when he died. Although he didn't die on set. Which was lucky really.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"What we need is blood,
breasts and stock footage!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

forgotten cinema legends (part six)

She's the female star of three of Lucio Fulci's best loved movies, appearing alongside such horror luminaries as Giovanni Frezza, David Warbeck and Christopher George. But her star shine faded as quickly as it rose. So whatever became of......

Catriona MacColl

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
MacColl: curious.

Born in London in 1954 this truly European actress made her small screen debut in a 1978 episode of the French musical/drama Il Etait Un Musicien and from then on big screen stardom beckoned. She bagged the role of Oscar Fran├žoise de Jarjayes in the movie Lady Oscar, a little seen adaptation of the famed manga Rose of Versailles by Riyoko Ikeda and the ill fated Elaine in the cult British fantasy flick Hawk The Slayer.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Returning to French Tee-Vee, MacColl caught the eye of horror legend Lucio Fulci
who quickly cast her in his upcoming City of the Living Dead, his first foray into the genre of Lovecraftian horror. Co-starring with the late Christopher George and Italian cinema whipping boy Giovanni Lombardo Latice the plot sees a reporter (George) and a psychic (MacColl) race to close the Gates of Hell before the dead to rise from the grave.
Returning to Britain she appeared in Sherlock Holmes And Doctor Watson before Fulci cast her in his masterpiece of the imagination, The Beyond this time teaming her with the very wonderful almost Bond David Warbeck.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
MacColl: worried.


The plot concerns the seven dreaded gateways to hell, all of which are concealed in seven cursed places. Liza Merril (MacColl) inherits a hotel built on one of these gates and when it's opened all hell does indeed break lose.
That same year she made her final movie with Fulci, the terrifying tale of a spooky old mansion and the deranged zombie doctor that lives in its basement....The House By The Cemetery, a film not only remembered for its lumbering villain, violent deaths and Giovanni Frezza's hair but for the immortal tagline 'Read the fine print. You may have just mortgaged your life!'.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
MacColl: pensive.


MacColl returned to the small screen appearing in such shows as Dempsey and Makepeace and Squadron in the Uk before relocating her career to France appearing in such epics as La Fille d'un soldat ne pleure jamais and the popular series Plus Belle La Vie. Splitting her time between acting and Managing a rural hotel in the south of France.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Catriona MacColl today:
We still would.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

spidey steal boys tights

Back in 1982, Randy Schueller, a 22-year-old comic-book fan living in Chicago answered a request from Marvel Comics, the publisher of "Spider-Man," to send in ideas for future storylines featuring the famous web-slinger, and Schueller jumped at the chance. He spent two weeks crafting a story in which Spidey dons a new black costume...........Roving reporter cum man about town Marty Finklestein has this report:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Spider-Man: webslinging.


"It occurred to me that Spider-Man is this character that creeps around in the shadows looking for bad guys, so why is he wearing this bright red and blue costume?" Schueller says, his voice croaky and broken, tears staining his Dazzler t-shirt......."It seemed like he should have more of a stealth mode."

He mailed the pitch to Marvel, and a few months later, he got a letter from then-Editor-in-Chief Jim Shooter telling him he liked his idea and wanted to buy it for $220. Shooter also offered to let the novice write the story.

"The money was incidental. It was cool at the time, but really, it was the possibility of working on the character that I had loved my whole life," Schueller says, his quivering voice hardly masking the heartbreak and betrayal.

He was set up with Spidey editor Tom DeFalco (in a non sexual way of course), and the two worked on the story. "We went back and forth [with revisions]. It got to the point where I don't know exactly what happened. They eventually stopped returning my calls, and I stopped sending stuff in."

"Yes, a fan did send in the idea," confirms DeFalco. "Marvel bought the idea. We went out and tried to turn the idea into an actual story, but for assorted reasons, it just didn't work out."

Schueller soon gave up any aspirations of comic writing. Today, he's 47 and a chemist at a beauty-products company in Chicago. (He credits his love of science to Peter Parker.)


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Sir Peter Parker LVO KBE,
The eleventh chairman of LSE’s
Court of Governors and probably
not the one Schueller refers to.


But his idea never died.

Two years later, Marvel was working on a series called "Secret Wars," in which many of its heroes underwent changes. "So we were trying to figure out what to do with Spider-Man, and Shooter (probably) said, 'Hey fella's, remember the story that loser sent in where Spider-Man got a new costume? Let's use that!' " DeFalco maybe answered.

Spidey's black pants debuted in May 1984 and featured heavily in story lines for years to come.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Schueller: attention seeking.


"I was pleased but a little bit appalled, because I didn't see any credit for me at all. I'm not indignant that Marvel wronged me or anything, I just thought they could have easily said 'thanks to so-and-so' in a note or in the letters column," Schueller whines, obviously forgetting how they screwed over Jack Kirby.

Marvel declined to comment, but did mention that Schueller did indeed sign a contract, leaving the company free to use the idea however it saw fit. Fair enough really.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Shooter: bastard (possibly).

He says he's not looking for money - just acknowledgment and probably a girlfriend.

"I never really mentioned this story before . . . But now with the movie hitting, I'm like, 'I gotta tell everyone about this! I may make a few quid and be popular with ladies'....People will say (yeah, like strangers come up to you in the street all the time to talk about films), 'Oh, did you see the new Spider-Man movie?' I'm like, 'Funny you should bring that up.' Then I tell them the whole story. They just look at me slack-jawed."

And maybe with the withering look you'd give to an old man weeing himself in the street.

cinema's forgotten legends (part five)

He was that creepy kid with the horribly dubbed girls voice in such classics as Manhattan Baby, The New Barbarians and House By the Cemetery.....the blond moppet with the (very) pretty lips. But whatever happened to....

Giovanni Frezza?


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Fancy trainers, kissy lips.


Born in 1972, Giovanni's first film role came in the 1979 Marco Bellocchio movie Salto Nel Vuoto where he played (to great acclaim) the 'Ponticelli Child'. His next film catapulted Frezza into the realms of superstardom, when he starred as the small boy in peril, Bob Boyle, in Lucio Fulci's horror epic The House by the Cemetery. The movie, about a deranged, qium faced zombie doctor who lives in the basement of an old mansion and kills people for body parts to prolong his life was a huge international hit and it's probably only Frezza's commitment to a second film with Fulci (and projects with such luminaries as Nanni Loy and Enzo G. Castellari) that prevented him jetting off to Hollywood and becoming the new Corey Feldman (or Jodie Foster).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Knife to see you, to see you knife!"

Frezza showed his talents with such diverse roles as 'The Ingenious Little Mechanic' in The New Barbarians and as the son of an archaeologist Tommy Hacker in Manhattan Baby alongside the poppy eyed Brigitta Boccoli as his possessed, equally moppet like sister.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
forehead!


1983 saw Frezza's career begin to wind down, the Italian cinema-going public tiring of moonfaced, omnisexual child leads in horror movies. He tried to branch out into family comedy with the Mr. Mum-like Mani Di Fata (co-starring squared jawed Renato Pozzetto as his dad) and an uncredited cameo in Lamberto Bava's slasherific La Casa Con La Scala Nel Buio (AKA A Blade in the Dark). His final screen appearance to date was as in Bava's 1985 runaway smash Demoni as Kurt, the small boy eating a hotdog as his family escape in a jeep.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Hotdog in mah mooth!"

It would be nice to think that someday soon Giovanni will revive his career by making some new movies, maybe a belated sequel to House By The Cemetery or the New New Barbarians? Or to even imagine him stumbling blindly into a world of drugs and alcohol since his career died, living on the streets of Italy hoping somehow to turn his life around. ....Unfortunately none of this is true as Frezza is currently working as a (non zombie) doctor in a major Italian hospital.
Not as exciting really is it?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Spank that monkey!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

as requested...

...by a Mr. C. Woods via email, here we present the Daily Record newspaper cutting of top Torchwood tottie Eve (Reece! Owen! Jack!) Myles clad in saucy underwear from some Welsh soap opera she did called Belonging.
Whatever would Captain Jack say?, as the tabloids would put it.
Probably.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Friday, May 18, 2007

spice up your life

More from Bruce Campbell and Old Spice. Enjoy.

who's faster?

.....Superman or The Flash?

After much research/phoning friends/emailing DC comics earlier I have come to the conclusion that if it were just a running competition then THE FLASH would win hands down. You see, he can run at the speed of light, and Superman can't.
Overall tho, Supes is faster in flying mode (plus with The Flash's hyper fast metabolism, he would really need to take a break after long periods to stop his body literally 'eating' itself).
Before anyone mentions it, i've taken The Flash's 'Cosmic Treadmill' (used to cross dimensions in the old 'Multiverse' days) out of the equation. So it would be just straight old fashioned racing.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Proof of this appears in DC Comics Presents issue 1 and 2 (tho' there is a race in an earlier issue which I really can't be arsed looking up) when the heroic duo do in fact race to save Earth. The Flash is able to run across the ocean whereas Superman has to swim. Admittedly he does swim really fast, but it's still only swimming.
So there.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Walliams: fast, but no Superman.

reasons to love cbeebies (part one)

Being a fan of top quality televisual programming in all it's forms I feel I should bring your attention to some of the unsung heroes on that greatest of all entertainment channels: the
genius that is CBeebies.
Broadcasting from 7.00 AM to 7.00 PM, 7 days a week and 365 days a year there is no greater depository of classic tee vee than this unique channel, from the almost Zardoz-esque In The Night Garden to the Gilbert & George inspired art terrorism of Doodle-Doo, all forms of culture and life are here and one of it's greatest presenters/stars is the oh so wonderful rinky dinky...


Pui-Fan Lee


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Admit it. You would....

Along with the omni-sexual Chris Jarvis, Pui was the first presenter to host CBeebies. With her tomboy trademark togs, sweet and sunny disposition and almost Argento style home haircut, Pui become the channel's first unofficial pin-up. But her talents isn't just for presenting, She also has has a wide and varied career encompassing both ends of the acting spectrum, from comedies like the Lenny Henry sitcom Chef! to the Channel Four shagathon (co-starring Micky Smith himself, Noel Clarke) Metrosexuality via kids favourite Dramarama and The Worst Witch. Her big movie break was as one of the detainees of the Thai prison, a role she brought a remarkable credibility to), in the chick flick Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

Her most famous character role, however, must be as everyones favourite Teletubby, the adorable Po, in all 223 episodes of the smash hit cult show.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
...especially if she was dressed like this.


For those of you who don't know, Po is red, short, and has a circle on her head. She is the most popular of the Teletubbies, and her charm and innocence have yet to be twisted by the bitter betrayals and sexual tension which grip the other three. She communicates in a mix of Cantonese and Teletubbiespeak and loves playing on her scooter. Her hobbies include falling over and eating tubbie-toast and tubbie-custard.

Plus, being the only female Teletubbie, she's the only one you would go with if drunk.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Bibberly cheese!"


In her private life Pui has been romantically linked to co-star Chris (that dark horse) and disease ridden yoof 'comedian' and modern day dandy Russell Brand amongst others but is currently single.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thursday, May 17, 2007

dennis the menace.

Especially for the ladies.....the video to the 1989 single "Don't It Make You Feel Good" released by Stefan Dennis (aka Paul Robinson from Neighbours and the rapist doctor in River City). Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

cinema's (not really) forgotten legends (part four)

Our next sinema stalwart has never really been forgotten. Today's audiences may ask "who?" but to a generation she will always be petite punk princess Trash in The Return of The Living Dead or the sexy (yet scary) Suzanne in Night of The Demons.....I'm talking about....

Linnea Quigley

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Linnea looking angelic.

Linnea Barbara Quigley was born in Iowa (future birthplace of James T. Kirk), on May 27, 1958. Her formative years went by uneventfully and it was only after moving with her family to Los Angeles in the late 1970s that took her first tentative steps into modeling and acting.

She began getting work in B-movies, starting with a small part as the barmaid in the cult shocker Psycho From Texas thru' movies like Summer Camp and the Classic Don't Go Near The Park. B' movie obscurity beckoned until she was cast as clothes allergic Trash in Dan O'Bannon's 1985 hit The Return of The Living Dead. With a dyed red flat-top and wearing nothing but a cute arse wiggle, Linnea become the sexiest (and possibly shortest) zombie to grace the cinema screen.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Teen crush number 4.

Since then she's quite literally carved herself a career as queen of the killer B's....whether it's popping a lipstick thru' her nipple in Night of The Demons or being chased around a bowling alley by an Evil imp in Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (a film which also features the most realistic sorority 'paddling' initiation ever committed to celluloid) Linnea always delivers the goods. Usually in a naked and blood drenched manner.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Bloody hell.

Still working as an actress (her latest movie RiffRaff in currently in post production) Linnea spends her spare time working for PETA, playing with (musically not sexually. Pity really) her all girl band The Skirts and appearing at conventions (usually seated next to Tom Savini).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Hello boys."

She has also written a couple of damn fine books regarding her life in the B-movie industry, Bio & Chainsaw in '92 and I'm Screaming as Fast as I Can in '95 and after more than 25 years and 70 films, Linnea Quigley still looks like she'd eat me for breakfast.

ahoy.

'B' movie god Bruce Campbell advertising Old Spice......hail to the king indeed!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

cinema's forgotten legends (part three)

You know him as rough and ready Brian Hull, blond and bearded hunky boat captain in Lucio Fulci's undead shocker Zombie Flesh Eaters....but whatever happened to....

Al Cliver

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
smoldering.

For those of us of a certain age the afore mentioned Zombie Flesh Eaters was our first glimpse of Al Cliver (birth name: Pierluigi Conti) one of the stalwarts of Italian exploitation cinema, the perfect foil to Ian McCulloch's slightly grumpy Peter West. Hardly ever the leading man but always the reliable sidekick or cop, he stands out in his first movie The Profiteer (1974) straight through to his last screen appearance in 1994's Demonia.
Plus he's work for the best.....Lucio Fulci, Jesus Franco and Joe D'Amato all called on Al time and again to add that little bit of realism to their movies.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Swoonsome.

His only headlining role was as future hero Ron Shannon in the Joe D'Amato/George Eastman post apocalyptic Sci-Fi epic Endgame (AKA Bronx Lotta Finale 1983). Here a telepathic mutant (played by D'Amato regular Laura Gemser) recruits a TV reality game-show warrior (Cliver) to lead her band of mutants to safety.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
rugged.

Unfortunately for us Al is now retired from the acting profession and currently lives in Rome where he bizarrely enough works at a flea market. Not funny but true.

it's all gorn pear shaped.

Star Trek: 'Arena' (episode 19, season 1, 1967)
Written by: Gene L. Coon
Dir: Joseph Pevney
Cast: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, a Gorn.

While pursuing an unknown enemy for an apparently unprovoked attack on a Starbase, powerful 'alien' entities make Jim Kirk fight in a bare-handed duel with a big spandex clad lizard. Which is nice.

what a toon off.

Terror Toons (2002)
Dir: Joe Castro
Cast: Beverly Lynn, Lizzy Borden, Kerry Lui

In a quiet neighbourhood in 'anytown' USA, 'teenage' two sisters (who really look old enough to have their own place by now) have been left home alone by their parents (by home alone I mean in the house, not the hit movie which would have been better) played scarily enough by two men, the director being under the misapprehension that covering a guys face in flour makes them look female.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"it is my manifest destiny to wear a dress on all seven continents"

Cindy receives a mysterious DVD in the mail from the Devil himself (as you do) and decides to watch it (she has a DVD player in her room? I only had a crappy Betamax!).
Candy is partying downstairs with her 'buddies' unaware that by watching the disc her sister has unintentionally unleashed the hordes of Hell (well, two of them) on Earth in the form of Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin.....If you think the Devil is bad, wait till you see the quality of the puppet makers he has working for him.
As the body count rises Cindy realises that she is the only one with the power to stop these evil cartoons from continuing their insane (ly average) murder spree. Can she save her friends?....or will everyone die? God knows they deserve it.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Spank that monkey!

Aaaah, Joe Castro.
When his name appears on a video box in the capacity of 'director' you know you're in for a treat. The 'genius' behind such modern day classic as Legend of The Chupacabra, The Young, The Gay and The Restless and Jackhammer plus creator of the stunning effects for movies as wide ranging as Near Death, Blood Feast2 and Another Gay Movie certainly delivers the goods with this film. Unfortunately the goods are bashed, busted and well passed their sell by date.....Welcome to a world where mom's have five o'clock shadows and supposed 14 year old heroines have boob jobs and the greatest party game for teens at parties is 'strip Ouija'.....oh and the Devil is an old drunk with one horn bigger than the other.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Aye son!"

The 'acting' is non existent (during the extras one of the cast can't remember making the film and another tells how she can't remember lines so she just made dialogue up on the spot) and the effects consist of random animal puppets appearing from nowhere throughout the movie, when actual animated death scenes are called for we get this:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Inside the mind of Glenn Michael.

and don't forget how when any of the female cast get bitten by the toons it always cuts to a monkey biting a man's shin. No matter what the actresses wearing we get the same shot......

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"aya! my BCG!"

Tho as a plus point, it does feature the best 'is this terror or is this my cum face?' acting ever to appear on celluloid.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Put it in me!"

and what other movie can you think of that ends with a rat arsed Lucifer battling with a wanna be porn star playing a 15 year old dressed in a superhero 'costume' (consisting of some pimp shades, a teatowel cape, pink vest top and huge black granny pants)?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Meow!" probably.

If you make it that far the pay-off is divine....after killing the toons and defeating Satan the 'teens' are reprimanded by their returning parents for having a party in the house and trashing the place. Perhaps this is what really happened to 'Myspace' party girl Rachel Bell? The truth should be told.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Toothsome real life 'Terror Toons' victim
Rachel Bell and a house yesterday.

Proof, if any were needed that horrific and sick films can affect impressionable teens. Who'd have guessed that Mary Whitehouse was right?

cinema's forgotten legends (part the two)

You loved her in as Casey in Return of The Living Dead, Zapped and Caged Heat 2: Stripped of Freedom, but whatever happened to:

Jewel Sheperd?


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jewel in non nude shock!


Brooklyn born Jewel began her Hollywood career in the early 80s, supplementing her income from walk on parts by working in various Los Angeles strip clubs. Her first major (mainstream) exposure came as 'the girl in the car' whose bra is telepathically popped open by ex Happy Days star Scott Biao in the teen 'comedy' Zapped. From then on 'B' movie famed beckoned....

Unfortunately Jewel found that working in the "killer B's" wasn't the most glamorous of occupations for an up and coming star. In Party Camp she was thrown into a huge pile of fresh pig shit. Roger Corman sent her to the Philippines for Caged Heat 2 where she was flogged, beaten up by a band of orange-clad warrior women and almost eaten by bugs the size of small cars.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jewel still fully clothed (but carrying a gun).


From then on she made a succession of quality movies ranging from Raw Force, The Junkman, Going Undercover and Scanner Cop II....usually playing characters as diverse as Drunk Sexpot, Girl in Car, Body Flash Dancer and Hooker (not T.J. though).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jewel sultry pose no. 7


The Jewel in this crown of crud came when she was cast as Casey in Dan O'Bannon's punk rock zombie shocke Return of the Living Dead, where Jewel gets to wear great clothes, get chased around a graveyard by a bunch of Zombies screaming, “More brains!” and she even got to keep her clothes on.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Erotic or just plain wrong?


Deciding that she needed a break from all the whippings, pig shit and nudity Jewel embarked on a new career as a writer. Her first book, Invasion of the B-Girls was a smash hit, featuring as it did interviews with actresses that make up most of my dvd collection and asked (and answered) the immortal question "Why would anyone appear in a film called Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama? and more importantly why would anyone watch it?"

Currently writing for Premiere magazine Stateside, Jewel has not ruled out a return to B movies one day and for that we can all be grateful......


Tuesday, May 8, 2007

the power of christ impales you

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Dir: Lee Demarbre
Cast: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Ian Driscoll, Jeff Moffet.

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

You'd think that from the title alone you'd know what to expect from this movie....but, oh no, there's much more to it than just(!) The Saviour battling the undead my friends.....are you ready for Mexican wrestling hero Santos?....clown faced vampire lesbians?....song and dance numbers?....Kung Fu action?.....punk priests and the shit scary guy in the bushes? (The latter is a wild-eyed hairy beast of a man with mad eyes who appears randomly throughout the movie to spout frightening insights into Christianity and quotes from The Bible).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Pull my finger true believer!"

Opening with the sultry Vamp Maxine Shreck (see what they did there?) viciously murdering a hold ups wearing, sensible shoed nurse to satisfy her blood lust (and then stealing her car), we discover that these Vampires are immune to sunlight and that they have evil plans in store for the lesbian population of Ottawa....Who can save them?
Groovy priests for hire Father's Eustace and Alban decide that this is a job for Jesus, so Alban sets off on a holy scooter to ask the Son of God for help.
They find him at the beach drinking lemonade, baptizing the faithful and comparing the Kingdom of God to building a sandcastle. But their pleas for help are interrupted by a three way vamp attack! The priests are killed by the evil Maxine, but not before Jesus has dispatched her two helpers. Maxine escapes, leaving Jesus no choice but to follow her to the city.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"I fang you."

Arriving in the city and setting up base in a room supplied by the church Jesus' first challenge comes not from the forces of darkness but from a van full of atheists intent on disproving the power of God. Suffice to say Jesus kicks their arses, afterwards deciding that to complete his holy quest he needs to get a haircut and piercings and, aided by the buxom scarlet cat suited Mary Magnum, picks up some cool new togs too.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jesus and Mary (buxomness not shown).

After chasing down Maxine and ex church goer turned vampire leader Johnny Golgotha to a seedy hospital they discover the blood suckers evil plan.....Nutty, boss eyed mad scientist Praetorious is grafting the skin from the slaughtered lesbians onto comatose vampires thus enabling them to become 'day walkers'. (He also smears bits of body parts onto his face while working, just so we know how mental he is).
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny and a rooftop battle ensues resulting in Jesus getting beaten to a bloody pulp and Mary drained of her precious lifeblood by Maxine.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Maxine and Mary (buxomness shown).

Jesus is left for dead in the streets....his pleas for help ignored by everyone passing, only a transvestite heeds his call....

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus (with the help of the transvestite) recovers from his physical wounds but his spirit is broken. How can he go on? who can help him battle this evil?
In a run down diner God appears to him as a bowl of cherries to tell him that famed Mexican wrestler Santos is on his way to join the fight.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jesus! Santos! Kickos! Assos!

Finally! A 'B' movie worthy of that accolade! A fantastic cast, a brilliant premise, a sharp script, cool songs and an all round sense of fun all add up to make this movie one of the best religous/vampire/lesbian/kung fu/Mexican wrestling movies ever (and trust me on this, I've seen a few).
Phil Caracas plays Jesus to perfection (similar in style to the way Adam West played Batman), straight laced but warm and funny with it. I go as far as to say he's the definitive screen Messiah. Special mention must also go to Jeff Moffet for his Oscar worthy portrayal of Santos, how Joaquin Phoenix can get the glory for Walk The Line whilst this guy is left in obscurity is beyond me. There is no justice in the world.
Beg, borrow or steal a copy of this movie and spread the gospel according to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:
The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!