Monday, July 30, 2007

holy merchandise!

Strange but true, the other day we were discussing the lack of Bible-based merchandise, it seems that you could only really buy a Noah's Ark toy whilst we really wanted Tower of Babel Jenga or a Sodom and Gomorrah interactive playset. Well it appears those true believers at One2believe toys have answered our prayers!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Put it in me!"

These world famous designers of Bible-based toys have a new series coming soon called Tales of Glory; available at select Wal-Mart stores and other retailers across the good ol' US of A.

The first wave consists of:

Samson: one of the strongest men who ever lived. He was used by God to destroy his enemies and do some other pretty amazing things! He caught over three hundred foxes by himself; he killed a lion with his bare-hands; he killed 30 men in one night without any weapons; and he even used the jawbone of a donkey to single-handedly defeat one thousand men!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Beware Barry Gibb's fist of wrath!"

The secret to Samson’s strength was his hair! God had blessed him with this incredible gift, but it was all based on one condition: he could not cut his hair. So, Samson did all that he could to protect his secret.

One day, Samson’s enemies discovered his secret and they cut his hair. Samson’s strength left and his enemies captured him. But Samson prayed that God would let him use his strength one last time. God answered his prayer and Samson performed one of the greatest feats of strength ever! (Judges 13-16).
Children can make this story come to life with one of our amazing Spirit Warriors, Samson! This action figure comes with everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Item includes a colorful “Samson, The Strongest Man to Ever Live” mini-storybook and a 13” Samson action-figure (with outfit).

Esther: A Jewish orphan raised by her older cousin. He loved her and cared for her until she was all grown up. Then, the King of the land began to look for a beautiful Queen. He looked far and wide, but he could not find anyone who made him happy. Then, he saw Esther. As soon as he met her, the search was over! He had found his beautiful Queen at last. But the story does not end there. Someone came up with an evil plan to destroy all of the Jewish people. But Esther decided to be brave and try to save the Jewish people from destruction. (Esther 1-9).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Now children can learn more about Esther’s incredible Tale of Glory while they play! Esther narrates her own biography, and also quotes key memory verses from the Bible, including Esther 4:11a and Esther 7:3. Our unique start/stop function allows children to pause and restart the story at any point.

Daniel: He loved to pray to God and loved him so much that he would not let anything keep him from praying, not even the great threat of the lions’ den! (Daniel 6)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Fuck me! it's George Lucas!"

Children can make this story come to life with our interactive “Daniel” play set, featuring everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Set includes a “Daniel and the Lions’ Den” mini-storybook and 3 PVC figurines (Daniel, a lion and a stone wall).

All toys are aged 3+ .

the best book ever written?

I think it might be.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

cinema's forgotten legends (part nine)

He's the little man (with the old lady paunch) of Italian cinema, well regarded for such roles as 'Boy Scout in Train' in the classic Via Alle Grande (1983), the 'whistling guy' in 1979's Liquirizia and most famously as the freakish Michael in Andrea Bianchi's zombie opus Burial Ground: Nights of Terror. We can only be celebrating the life and times of...


Little is know of the 56 year old Bark's early life and career except that his real name is Pietro Barcella and that he is a native of Rome. Originally he wanted to become a shopkeeper, but his lack of height made it impossible for him to see over the counter without the use of a box but the incident that made him turn his back on a life of retail was when a group of school children stole the Curly Wurly he was using as a ladder to reach the pornographic magazines on the top shelf leaving him stranded for 6 days with only a glossy picture of Anna Kanakis' breasts for company. It was seeing the beautiful star of The New Barbarians watching over him at night that convinced Bark to pursue his acting dream.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Dario Argento: The Grange Hill years.

But first he needed an English sounding stage name, he chose Peter (after his favourite musician Peter Tork of The Monkees) and Bark after the noise he would make as the other children beat him on the way to school (up to the age of 14, he was only an astounding 16" tall).
Noticed walking past a casting call for the movi
e Liquirizia by famed director Salvatore Samperi, the director was amazed by Bark's incredible whistling skills, writing the character of 'whistling boy' specifically for Bark.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Aye son!"

Although his filmography consists of only four movies, Bark earned a place in horror history with his unique performance as Michael, the little boy with the bad hair in Burial Ground and, although sharing top billing with up and coming starlet Karin Well it was Bark who won the critics (and fans) appreciation for scarily accurate take on puberty, Oedipus complexes and high waist trousers.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"It's John Leslie!"

The character of Michael as originally written was a 12-year old boy, however Italy's ultra-strict child labour laws forbid the participation of children in any film featuring sex, gore and incestuous overtones (especially if the child character was indulging in both). Bianchi hatched the audacious plan of casting the then 25-year old Bark as Michael, who his make-up artists promised, could believably be transformed into a 12 year old boy.

Unfortunately this completely failed to happen.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

"Touch mah titties".

Bark made one more film after Burial Ground, using the money he'd made to open a specialist 'short people friendly' hardware store in Rome which he runs to this day.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

jumping the shark.

"Why do I let you convince me to do these things?"

"Cause you're my bitch."

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Dir: David Worth.
Cast: John Barrowman, Jenny McShane, Ryan Cutrona, a bloody big shark.

In the trendy summer vacation resort of Playa Del Rey in Mexico, a group of scally lobster potters discover an unusually large shark tooth stuck into a fibre optic cable. Slightly disturbed by their find they decide to come clean about their illegal lobster potting to the uber-hunk local beach patrol guy Ben (Barrowman) and seek his fish style expertise to identify the tooth.

After much frowing and gritting of (his perfect) teeth Ben admits defeat, posting a picture of the tooth on a marine biologist dating/message board and is almost immediately PM-ed by sexy blonde Paleontologist Cataline 'Cat' Stone. She's sure the tooth belongs to a long thought extinct species of shark, the Carcharodon Megalodon, a prehistoric beast thought to grow up to 60 ft. in length. Luckily Cat discovers that it's the tooth of a baby Megalodon (luckily? it's still gonna be bloody huge!) so the dynamic duo decide to go look for it before it can ruin the resorts big opening celebrations.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Why thank you ma'am!"

It's a race against time as the shark has decided it's quite peckish, bikini clad, topless, bottomless; all teens are the same to this bad boy as it decides to eat it's way thru' most of the movies (Bulgarian) cast members, but all seems well when Ben (kinda accidentally) kills little Meg and calm and serenity return to the beaches (as do many bikini clad Bulgarian babes).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Everything seems back to normal, Ben's back to looking sexy in Speedo's, the local corrupt businessman, Hector is back to being corrupt and business-like and Apex Communications are happy that their cable is no longer getting chewed. But the death of the baby Megalodon hasn't gone unnoticed, it would seem that big momma Meg wants revenge on Ben and his buds.

Cat warns our hero that the mother is "larger than a greyhound bus" so it's up to Ben and his friend Chuck (plus Chuck's handy mini submarine and heat-seeking torpedoes) to save the day. Apex and Hector are moving to stop them tho', they have a sea-based boat bash to organise and no prehistoric mutha is going to spoil their fun.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Fuck the shark, check the shoes!

David Worth, director of such highly regarded classics as Shark Attack 2, Kickboxer and three episodes of the Air America TeeVee series probably had no idea of what a cult classic he'd create when he signed to make this movie (if he had he'd have probably put a wee bit more effort into it). After years of obscurity (known only to those of us who enjoy big shark movies) the film finally found the audience it deserved after it's star, the fantastically fruity John Barrowman went stellar as Captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who.

Barrowman gives his all to the movie, totally eclipsing his (US and Bulgarian) co-stars, even ad-libbing the movie's best line:

As for the rest of the cast; Jenny McShane is blonde, buxom and doesn't mind getting her kit off (all the qualities of a Marine Paleontologist methinks), Ryan Cutrona is grey and grumpy as Ben's best pal chuck whose total cliche-ness can be summed up by this exchange with the sinister Mr. Tolley:

Chuck: You knew something dangerous was going on down there and you let them dive anyway!

Mr. Tolley: Calm down Chuck... I don't know what your talking about.

Chuck: Bull-fucking-shit!

See what I mean?.....sheer shorthands-ville (Which, coincidently isn't a real place, I made it up for this review) coupled with sloppy writing, can you believe it took two people to write that dialogue?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This really is the quality of the effects.

Saying that tho' it's easy to slag of the movies low budget and indifferent performances (and if truth be told it is kinda fun to do that) but where else would you find a big CGI shark eating a tuxedo-ed man on a jet ski in one gulp? or the Barrowman naked 'n' straight for pay?

Go know you want to.....

Saturday, July 21, 2007

child or monster?

As requested by the lovely Ms. Linda Jones of the 'you've got your hands full' blog, more info on Tamil's favourite actor/dancer and all rounder entertainer Thavakalai.

Often cast as the cute kiddie sidekick, Thavakalai is in fact a fully grown adult (think a Tamil Peter Bark) and made his acting debut in the 1983 Tamil movie K. Bhagyaraj's"Mundhanai Mudichu". weighing in at 82 lbs and measuring just 4' 1" high, what he lacks in stature he more than makes up for in charisma!

Friday, July 13, 2007


News story of the week (maybe even the year)...not film/TeeVee/tat based but made my day!

The world's tallest man, Bao Xishun meets and shakes hands with He Pingping (possibly) the world's shortest!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

"Awight wee man!"

Mr Xishun, 56, towers above everyone at an astonishing 7.9ft, 19-year-old Mr Pingping is a mere 2.4ft high.

Bao Xishun, a herdsman from Chifeng, Inner Mongolia, was recently married in a traditional ceremony to a 28-year-old saleswoman from his hometown. At 5ft 6" Xia Shujian only comes up to his elbow and is half his age. Sly dog.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Awight big man?"

He claims he was of normal height until he was 16 when he experienced a growth spurt (probably due to Gamma Rays or suchlike) and reached his present height seven years later.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

"I fell aff mah rice stalk!"

Mr Pingping was born nearby in Wulanchabu city, Inner Mongolia. His father claims he was only the size of an adult's palm at birth at was (probably) left by pixies on his doorstep.

Strange but true.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

my favourite crossdressers.

Ten of the best cross dressing celebs just for you.....Enjoy!

10. David Duchovny

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

9. Edward Davis Wood Jr.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

8. Crispin Glover

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

7. Eddie Izzard

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

6. Sean Penn

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

5. Danny LaRue

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

4. Ru Paul

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

3. Ed Gein

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

2. Candy Darling

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

1. Harris Glenn Milstead

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

What can we say about Baltimore's finest and self proclaimed 'filthiest person alive' that hasn't already been said before? the glorious Divine was the mainstay of many of John Waters greatest flicks.

From eating dog shit to performing pounding pop hits and flirting with Tab Hunter, there was nothing Divine couldn't or wouldn't do.

Not To Be Confused With:

The Divine Comedy

Divine Brown

Rik Waller

Diana Dors

Sonia Jackson

Monday, July 9, 2007

little men....big guns!.

The Terror of Tiny Town (1938)
Dir: Sam Newfield
Songs: Lew Porter.
Starring: Billy Curtis, 'Little' Billy Rhodes, Bill Platt, Nita Krebs.

Cattle from both the Preston and Lawson ranches are disappearing, each family blaming the other for the rustling. All out war between the two clans seems the only outcome.

The heroic white suited Buck Lawson (Billy Curtis) is out riding one morning when he spots a suspicious plume of smoke rising from the trees. Investigating the strange smog, he discovers a smoldering fire and a branding iron from the Preston ranch. Little does he realise that the iron has been placed there by Bat Haines ('Little' Billy Rhodes) the evil bad man who hopes a conflict between the two families will leave him with control of the cattle.....To make matters worse, Buck and Preston's niece Nancy fall in love, which threatens to bring the two clans together, but Haines puts a stop to that with a cold-blooded murder.....Who will win the battle of the cattle?

Possibly one of the most erm..'unique' motion pictures ever made. The Terror of Tiny Town is your usual of rough cowboys, evil rustlers, sexy showgirls and strong whiskey. The only noticeable difference between this and the hundreds of other westerns made in the 30's is that Tiny Towns entire cast are all under 4 feet tall. It's as if a camera had been placed in my skull to film my dreams.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Made as a showcase for producer Jed Buell's troupe of midgets (doesn't that mean he owned them? what? did he put them to work in his secret Lemonade mines between jobs?), it opens with a normal-size man at the microphone introducing the film as an "interesting and new form of motion picture entertainment". No shit!

Then Billy Curtis and Little Billy saunter on and start fighting around the compere's knees so we can all get a look at how ickle they are in their cowboy gear.

Even tho' the film's main selling point (the cast's lack of height) should be enough to guarantee a big hit , the producers wisely chose to pack the movie to the brim with action, romance, comedy and songs too with Billy Curtis performing a few memorable 'numbers' (although he's obviously dubbed but the thought was there).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"They're not children....they're monsters!"

In a fabulous design decision, the sets are all normal sized, so you get the added bonus of seeing midgets walk full sized doors, perched on big stools and walking under swinging saloon doors, they only size compromise being that the midgets all ride Shetland ponies.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Aye son!"

The movie is pretty good at playing tricks with the viewers mind too, just when you're so involved in the exciting plot and you've forgotten this is a midget western suddenly it's bought back home to you with a bang as you realise the band's double bass needs two people to play it or the thirsty, slick haired barman takes to drinking his booze from a huge glass. Utter genius.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Laugh now!"

Other notable moments of comedy gold include scenes where Otto, the bearded French Chef takes to chasing a duck around and a group singalong that includes a penguin. In fact most of the cast sing and dance their way through The Terror of Tiny Town, especially Tiny Town's sexy saloon singer (Nita Krebs) who delivers fantastic interpretations of Lew Porter's soul searching songs specially written for the movie.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"...and then I almost fell off mah beanstalk!"

Superbly directed by Sam Newfield (the man behind such hits as Marijuana, the Devil's Weed and Nabonga The Gorilla), produced by midget king Jed Buell, shortly after he parted ways with the Stan Laurel Corporation Stan was probably too tall and freaked him out) and with hit songs (including the toe tapping "Mister Jack and Missus Jill", Hey, Look Out" and Laugh Your Troubles Away") by the unsung genius of 30's musicals Lew Porter, The Terror of Tiny Town has something for the whole family (especially if your family loves midget musicals as mine does).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Hows aboout a wee bit
a' mooth shitin' missy?"

Criminally tho' Tiny Town is unavailable on DVD in the UK and very hard to come by in the US as some of the (less enlightened) members of society have deemed to find it offensive. Political correctness gone mad! But, if like me you're a dedicated fan (or just curious) it is possible to obtain this masterpiece of American cinema.....go on, go find'll be glad that you did!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

the joys of near death happiness.

Stacy (AKA Stacy: Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies 2001)
Director: Naoyuki Tomomastu
Starring: Natsuki Kato, Toshinori Omi, Shiro Misawa, Yukijiro Hotaru.

"Come join the RRK and you too, can kill your own daughter and girlfriend".

In the early years of the new millennium, a strange disease is striking down girls between the ages of 15 and 17 across the globe. The world is in a state of chaos as scientists struggle to find a cure...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Eyes hen!"

The disease has three distinct phases. Phase one is something called NDH (Near Death Happiness), a pre-death state of absolute euphoria and joy., phase two is quick and sudden death whereas phase three is perhaps the most disturbing of all.
The recently deceased girls return to 'life' as hungry flesh-eating undead ghouls. Usually in cutsey Japanese school uniforms.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Ah fell aff mah beanstalk!"

The world's governments have a name for these abominations, a name to strike fear into the hearts of men (and women) from all nations. Fear has a new name...and that name is STACY.

Attempting to quell this plague of the undead (and possibly control those sad individuals that find the thought of Japanese schoolgirl zombies quite appealing) Stacy's Law is passed, urging families to kill their daughters (by the act of 'bodily dismemberment) at the first signs of NDH. For those too squeamish to comply,
the RRK (Romero Repeat you get it?) is created to do the job for you (how thoughtful is the Japanese government?).

To make things even easier, local authorites supply special thick red polythene bags for disposing of the body parts and collections crews regularly visit suburban areas. Government information films featuring a girl in a bunny suit wielding a 'Blues Campbell Right Hand 2' (see what they did pop pickers?) play constantly to reassure the public that everything is under control.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Cute Japanese girl wielding a
chainsaw. Can this film get any better?

Enter our plucky heroine, Eiko (Natsuki Kato) who, already showing the symptoms of NDH decides she wants to feel true love before she turns. She falls for skint puppeteer Shibu (Toshinori Omi) whom she promises to make a happy boy (how we can only guess) if he promises he'll chop her up when the time comes.

Whilst all this soppy romance stuff is going on a group of punky 'n' funky girls are wandering the streets calling themselves the "Illegal Repeat Kill Squad". Reasoning that it's a girls job to off her sisters, they approach their new hobby with all the glee of a monkey in a banana warehouse. Which is pretty damn gleefully I can tell you.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

But these representatives of 'girl power' gone loco aren't the only problems for the RRK cos this is where it gets fairly complicated. There's Arita the newest recruit whose hidden agenda is to avenge the death of his sister and find a cure before his sister turns, then there's Commander Kazuka hiding a secret lust for his sister (gah) and Agent Yokoyama who's hiding a secret lust for Kazuka (still with me?).
Add to the mix the sweatily evil Kawasaki, ex child murderer and top ranking RRK 'disposal expert' and honey nut loops Professor Inugami, head of the team to discover a cure for 'Stacy-ism'.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Things go from bad to worse tho' when of of the "Illegal Repeat Kill Squad" starts to show the signs of NDH and the team are captured to become part of Inugami's 'experiments'. Whilst all this is going on Arita is getting more and more depressed and decides to free every single 'Stacy' in the base......

Based on a novel by Japanese rocker Kenji Otsuki, Stacy is a bittersweet, bizarre black comedy hiding behind the trappings of a 'typical' zombie shlocker.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Bite from mah mooth.

Naoyuki Tomomastu, director of the 1997 sicko flick
Eat the Schoolgirl doesn't stray too far from his exploitative roots (just far enough to be watchable) with this tale of undead schoolies and his obvious lack of finesse and sometimes amateurish camera work actually add to the dream-like quality of the movie, the wildly veering script (from horror to cheesy romance and back again) and wildly eccentric 'acting' from certain cast members gives the movie an almost schizophrenic charm sadly lacking from most low budget schoolgirl-based zombie movies.
Although nowhere near the genius of Wild Zero or Junk, Stacy still delivers if you're a fan of the cheaper end of the Japanese horror market (doubly so if you like school uniforms wearing she-zombies).

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

by request.

It's been brought to my attention that there have been no pics 'for the ladies' in a while on this illustrious blog and after Kylie's arse made an appearance today I thought it was only fair (Ok I was threatened with a kicking if I didn't) to post something for the female readers (all 3 of them).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

shaken not stirred.

He's not had a mention for a while but he's back with his official drink.....just for you!

The Weng Weng Whizz-Bang.


Ice cubes (Fill to Top)
3/4 oz Vodka
3/4 oz Tequila
3/4 oz Brandy
3/4 oz Bourbon
3/4 oz Scotch Whiskey
3/4 oz Rum
(Fill With) Orange Juice
(Fill With) Pine-Apple Juice
dash Grenadine

Mix vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon, brandy and scotch in a collins glass. Add ice cubes up to 3/4 of glass. Stir. Fill in with equal portions of chilled orange and pineapple juices to top. Add a dash of grenadine.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Little man, huge hat.