Saturday, December 24, 2011

water sports for all.

A fairly short review for you now seeing as it's late here and that this has been sitting in a draft limbo for about four months.....

You know, it's a good job only about six folk read this, God help me if I had deadlines to work to or presents to wrap.

Shit...I do.

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers (AKA: Joshikyôei hanrangu, Nihombie 2, Nihonbi 2, Undead Pool. 2006)
Dir: Kôji Kawano
Cast: Mizuka Arai (AKA Chieri Haruyama), Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba,  Ayumu Tokitô and Hidetomo Nishida (There are many more folk too but I just can't be arsed listing them).


Aki (the tres cute-some star of a number of Juicy Honey collectable card sets, Handa) a former 'aqua terrorist' (what? You mean they go around committing atrocities to the strains of Barbie Girl?) has decided to turn over a new leave and give up her exciting international jetset life of crime to enjoy a normal, everyday one as a schoolgirl at a top Japanese school.

Unfortunately Aki's first day is anything but normal, poor lamb.

Not only do her new classmates decide that her welcome party should involve our cutie honey heroine being pushed into the swimming pool whilst still fully clothed (teasing bastards) but just as she's climbed out and dried off there's a sudden and inexplicable outbreak of a particularly virulent virus on campus that makes all those infected start to spew strawberry sauce from every orifice and begin to smell like a zoo.

How's your luck hen?

"Has anybody got any cans of orange juice?"

By one of those strange quirks of fate that only ever happen in 'the movies'  an emergency medical team - consisting of a scarily familiar, to Aki at least, doctor and stern yet shapely thighed nurse - suddenly appear from nowhere to assist the pupils and administer a vaccine.

Which would be good thing really if it didn't appear to make everyone's symptoms oh so slightly worse.

By that I mean that the injection turns everyone into scabby, short skirted flesh eating zombies.

Tho' that works for me.

As luck (and pervy plotting) would have it, Aki soon discovers that the chlorine in the school swimming pool counteracts the effects of the virus, meaning that as long as adorable Aki remains in her tight fitting swimsuit (and stays soaking wet obviously) she's safe from infection.

But probably not from the myriad of spotty youth watching...arms like body-builders after this I assure you. 

Doing what anyone would do in this situation, Aki persuades the (mostly attractive) school swimteam to suit up and hose down ready for battle against not only the every increasing army of the undead but also her musically minded former boss and mentor who has cunningly disguised himself (well, he's wearing a lab coat) as the 'friendly' doctor helping the infected.

You see, it turns out that the virus is all his doing but this is only part of his sick scheme.

A sick scheme that also involves touching the smooth and milky white genital area of as many young girls as possible.

Whilst playing a flute.

Dirty bugger/lucky sod (delete as applicable).

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rushing headlong into battle against the evil doctor, Aki (not too surprisingly, we're only thirty minutes in) and her soggy sisters get a damn good beating, leaving our heroine lying vacant eyed in a pool of blood ready to be muched on by any passing zombie.

Fear not tho' dear readers, as Aki is bravely rescued by her shy (well up till this point) new best friend Sayaka (former Bukkake star Yuria Hidaka) and, in an act of kidness that will bring tears to viewers everywhere, nursed back to health with a mixture of noodle soup and having her breasts gently rubbed by Sayaka.

How sweet is that?

No need.

Laugh all you want because it seems to do the trick as in no time at all Aki is sitting up in bed and sharing her sad tale of life as a killer for hire whilst fastening the buttons on her flimsy white school shirt, the material straining to contain her honey dew breasts.


What follows is quite possibly the greatest fusion of dodgily translated subtitles, inappropriate incidental music and meaningful montage sequences ever committed to celluloid, featuring as it does slo-mo shots of Aki firing a machine gun whilst wearing a bikini, popping a butterfly knife into her pants, doing sweaty push ups with what looks like an orange in her mouth and sitting around topless looking bored.

Sheer genius.

"I've found the cars keys!"

The whole sorry tale is too much for the sensitive Sayaka who, with tears in her eyes reacts the only way she can.

And that's by stripping herself and Aki naked save their tiny pleated kilts before indulging in a totally realistic and completely essential to the plot lesbian sexy scene whilst moaning loudly.

And biting her lip at the point of orgasm.

Photobucket removed the scan of the lesbian sex scene so here's a naked blood soaked Japanese schoolgirl (with her nipples covered of course)

Ready for battle (and probably another lie down) Aki is set to face her nemesis one final time.

Will she emerge triumphant?

And, most importantly will she be naked?

Who let the dogs out?

Kôji Kawano, director of the classic teen lesbian drama Love My Life and the soya-based shocker Cruel Restaurant appears to have knocked out this lo-fi sleaze epic in a few hours between bouts of online gaming and frantic masturbation sessions, seeing as it consists solely of cheap gore and violence, random bouts of nudity and an abundance of soft core lesbianism aimed fairly and squarely at the 'I've never seen a lady naked except my mum' demograph.

Which frankly is a public service that must be applauded.

By no means perfect, it would be churlish (and a wee bit geeky) to point out this movies flaws and weaknesses when your average viewer is only watching for a glimpse of the square faced, hamster cheeked dream girl Sasa Handa's frankly stunning breasts.

So I wont.

Handa: Chinny Rackon.

Running at just under eighty minutes and just like your younger sisters pal that you get drunk and fiddle with occasionally when your between girlfriends, it never outstays it's welcome and the budget, although lower than John Leslie at Crufts is enough to make sure that things never looks too cheap (unlike the terrifyingly elongated faced Ayumu Tokitô who spends most of her sexy scenes looking like a bulldog licking piss off John Nettles), wildly throwing ever more bizarre characters and situations at the screen hoping at least a few will stick and cover the cracks.

Ayumu Tokitô: she'll even turn the milk chocolaty.


Fire breathing zombies?

A flute playing pervert in a lab coat?


And a heroine with a deadly laser beam built into her vagina?

It has all this and more.

Well I say more but in reality is has all this plus a copious amount of panty shots.

And breasts.

Lots of breasts.

Go on, you know you want to.

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