Wednesday, January 30, 2008

january stiffs.

The Grim Reaper seems to have been working overtime since his Christmas break by the looks of the Unwell faves to bite the bullet in the last four weeks. In no particular order, we lost zany prankster Jeremy Beadle at the age of 59.

Photobucket
A big hand for Beadle.


Beadle, famous for hit teevee shows like Game For A Laugh, You've Been Framed and Beadle's About (as well as his pube-like beard and tiny hand) died of pneumonia. Rumours that he's going to jump out of his coffin wearing a police uniform are so far unconfirmed.

Photobucket
Allport: S'now joke.

Christopher Allport, American supporting actor well known for his roles in such shows as ER and The X Files was squashed by an avalanche at the age of 60.

Photobucket
Pleshette: pneumatic.


Suzanne Pleshette classy chasised, sexy star of The Bob Newhart Show and The Birds died of respiratory failure aged 70.

Photobucket
"You're my wife now!"


Also journeying to the undiscovered country (from where no traveler returns) was Richard Knerr, American co-founder of Wham-O Industries plus inventor of the frisbee and Hula Hoop from a stroke at the age of 82.

Photobucket
Princess's pants yesterday.


Jinzo Toriumi, the 78 year old Japanese screenwriter (and obvious pantie fetishist) responsible for the classic Speed Racer, Gatchaman and Armored Trooper Votoms) died of liver cancer and Mark Haigh-Hutchinson, the British video game developer behind Paperboy and the classic Zombies Ate My Neighbors died from pancreatic cancer at the age of 42.

Photobucket
Renfro: ferry ferry stoned.


Brad Renfro, the American actor famous for The Client and Ghost World (as well as his drug habit) chased his final dragon aged 25 and Maila Nurmi, the Finnish actress better known as horror hostess Vampira and star of the Ed Wood classic Plan 9 from Outer Space joined Bela Lugosi in the big soundstage in the sky aged 86.

Photobucket
Meow.


Gemina, the world famous crick necked African giraffe was 'euthanized' aged 21 and Bill Belew, the American costume designer famous for Elvis Presley's rhinestone jumpsuits died aged 78.

Photobucket
Awww....too cute to take the piss.


Photobucket
Hail to the king.



Kooky keyboard king Mort Garson, Canadian electronic 'musician' famous for the freaktastic 'Black Mass' album went from mort to morte due to renal failure and Natasha Collins, foxy jester and television presenter girlfriend of Smarteenies Mark Spieght died in the bath aged 31.

Photobucket
Morte dellamore.


Photobucket



Most disturbing tho' was the death of the clown prince of crime himself, Jack Napier AKA actor Heath Ledger from a drugs overdose at the age of 28. Between him and Beadle there'll be no Jokers left come March.

Photobucket
"Go with a smile!"

We've given up on Owen Wilson.

marvel-lous comic covers!

The Black Panther takes on the Clan!

Photobucket

people you shouldn't fancy but do.....

An irregular series of reader confessions.

Part one.

Photobucket
Zoe Wanamaker.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

gott in himmel!

From the makers of that alien arse/ant interface comic comes Hessa, featuring the adventures of your average SS she-bitch.

Photobucket




Issue 22 features one of the greatest comic cliffhangers of all time; Hessa Von Thurm, our sexy nazi heroine is chasing a traitor and decides to kill him with a handy flare gun.

Photobucket




But as the traitor bursts into flames, Hessa realises he will now certainly be spotted by the nearby British Navy fleet!!!

Photobucket


Photobucket

Beats Oor Wullie I guess.

hold the front page!

The one and only Bettie Page dances just for you!


Thursday, January 24, 2008

sometimes....

....I find something online that makes even me lost for words....

Photobucket

I have no idea as to why, who or how.....just that this is sooooo wrong.

the worlds sickest (yet most amazing) toy?

Enjoy the Irwin Allen-esque delights of the 'earthquake tower'.......click to enlarge.


Photobucket



Photobucket

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

sister act.

Chô-yôma densetsu Uratsuki-dôji: Makai gakuen-hen (AKA Exorsister 1994)
Dir: Takao Nakano
Cast: Ban Ippongi, Kei Mizutani, Yoshiki Fujii, Yuuya Fujikawa, Kan'ichi Hiraga.

Just received this classic of straight to video entertainment thru the post from an anonymous benefactor (I'm assuming it's for me and not Cassidy).

No idea why I keep getting sent this stuff (answers on a postcard to the usual address) but I'm grateful, sorta.

Photobucket
Wonder what this films about?




Directed (if you can call it that) by Takao Nakano, the man who gave us the underrated Killer Pussy, the Exorsister is a frighteningly low budget spectacular (shot on Betacam fact fans) featuring more breasts than you could shake a (very slimy) stick at. With guest appearances from Leatherface, a monster that consists of a tombstone toothed Japanese man dressed in what looks like a turd suit, girl on girl wrestling and hoover pipes on wires doubling for schoolgirl molesting tentacles I'm surprised that this series hasn't been picked up by children's ITV before now.

And the plot?

Famed Manga artist and sexily hatted, foxily fish-netted hottie Ban Ippongi plays the Exorsister (AKA Maria Cruel) a demon hunter for hire armed with a six-gun and a razor-edged crucifix, she has sworn to protect Tokyo from the evil shag monsters from Hell.

Which is nice work if you can get it.

Photobucket
Ban Ippongi, Why? she's done nowt wrong.



No subtitles so I kinda had to guess the rest....so forgive me for any glaring mistakes.

A nerdy (yet slightly too old to pull off the uniform, looking as she does a wee bit like an oriental version of Olive from On The Buses) 'schoolgirl' is strolling around the campus talking to the trees (as you do) when she's accosted by two cigarette smoking, short skirted bad girls, who decide to drag her to an empty classroom steal her lunch money (and clothes) and (surprisingly enough) pinch her nipples and smack her bum.

The geeky girl can do nothing but moan, wriggle her arse and squeal.


Later that night, our nerdy heroine decides to don a really hideous pink fluffy jumper and surf the internet to find a particularly nasty satanic styled revenge and (surprisingly...again) manages to find an evil website that enables her to summon a group of terrifying (if slightly mis-matched and shoddily realised) demons. This horrific terror tag team consists of a wheelchair bound old man capable of transmorphing into a rubbery (why, thank you) lizard thing; a housefly in a suit; a two–faced (by two-faced I mean he's wearing two overly large pound shop Halloween masks hastily glued together) demon; a really annoying she-demon wearing Cyndi Lauper's cast-offs and a pink wig; the aforementioned turd demon and a man in a gorilla suit.

Photobucket
Jumper.




For her part of the bargain our schoolgirl chum must enter the demon realm wearing only little white panties (must be part of an ancient Satanic ritual or something) whilst the turd monster rubs her from head to toe with vacuum cleaner pipes.

In loving close-up.

For about twenty minutes.

After all this hoover action (I'll never look at a Dyson the same way again) the (by now slightly foxier looking and contact lens wearing) schoolgirl hits town to find her tormentors (hang on, wasn't that the demons job? this pact with the devil hasn't really been thought thru).

Encountering bad girl bully no. 1 in a local bar she quickly administers a good kicking before disappearing back into the fog and picking up a drunk old man for a bout of badly filmed optically censored, pixel vision sex.

Photobucket
“Fuck you very much!”-Erm...no thanks.


Returning home to her hysterical (and not to mention hysterically bewigged) dad, she knees him in the happy sacks before shouting “Fuck you very much!” at him then storming off to her room.

There's only one person who can save his daughter now.

Enter..the Exorsister!

Photobucket
You would.



Resplendent in leather bike boots, a 'kiss me quick' hat, Christopher Eccleston's old coat, crusty fishnets and a belt for a skirt, our fag smoking Saviour rides to the rescue (via 1970's style CSO) astride a big black Kawasaki, armed to the teeth and ready for action.

Meow.

Arriving at the house she sits down with a nice cuppa to consult what looks like the limited edition Anchor Bay 'Book of The Dead' release of The Evil Dead (no, hang on, it must be the real Necronomicon....it says so on the side). Ms. Cruel decides there's only one thing to do and, armed with only a plastic Uzi water pistol she enters the girls bedroom spraying her with Holy water and banishing the demon inside her.

But can the exorsister save the school bullies from the demonic sex monsters before it's too late?


No chance.



Photobucket
Is it just me or does her right
thigh appear to be floating?



You see, both bad girls have now been captured by the monsters (and seeing as there's only fifteen minutes running time left) and are being subjected to all kinds of pervy, vacuum cleaner based, panty ripping, nipple slipping, extremely noisy tentacle sex before being made to dress up as cheap Glasgow whores (is there any other kind?) and wrestle for the amusement of the onlooking nasties.


Photobucket
"Raugh Now!!!"



Luckily (possibly, I mean the girls seem to be enjoying themselves tho' not as much as the gorilla I'll admit) the Exorsister bursts in to the demon lair and kills all the monsters (except one) with her flying crucifix blade before shooting the tentacled turd-man in the face.

The end.

Photobucket
"I love you....could it be magic?"



So, how does Takao Nakano's earlier epic compare to the joys of Killer Pussy?

well if you can ignore the fact that the movie has a budget that appears to run into minus figures, the vacuum cleaner tentacles, the climactic pan-dimensional fight scene being staged in a kiddies playpark, the dads wig, pixelated shagging, the lack of a proper plot and the obviously 30 something school girls then this is the film for you.

Photobucket
Put 'em away luv.



Luckily for us tho' Nakona went on to bigger and better things, well he directed Sumo Vixens with the harshly ferret faced, incredibly tiny headed star of Termatrix and Weather Woman Kei Mizutani.

Photobucket
Print this out and you can give it to your gran so
she knows what to buy you for Christmas
.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

doctor eyes.

Scariest dress up suit ever?

Photobucket

Monday, January 14, 2008

a strange tennant.

Many people have spotted that in my post regarding David Tennant's stalker that I inadvertently used a picture of Richard 'Hamster' Hammond in place of Mr. Tennant.

I now realise that this was ill-advised as many of Mr. Tennant's fan base are now threatening to boycott the blog unless I post some real pics of the man himself (even tho' last time photobucket pulled them for being too 'rude').

So here you go.............

Enjoy!

Photobucket


Photobucket

she loves you.

From that bastion of quality news reporting The Daily Mirror:

Dishy Doctor Who star and Scotsman David Tennant is being stalked by a 'woman' who has moved to Stratford-upon-Avon (so named after Avon from hit Teevee show Blake's Seven), where he’s rehearsing for a new production of Hamlet.

Photobucket
Tennant: Shirt.


The cunning Broton boiler is even renting a flat directly opposite the Courtyard Theatre where David will be 'performing'.

Photobucket
Broton: Boiled.


A man digging the giant moat around Elsinore Castle (only using his paddle like hands) said (to anyone who would listen) :

"Obviously, David gets crowds of fans. But he’s never experienced anything as unsettling as this (what? not even being aged 900 years by The Master or seeing the destruction of Gallifrey?).


“She has been hassling cast members of the production. And she’s told them that she’s left her husband for David.

Photobucket
Darrow: Massive Cock.



“She regularly leaves pencil drawings for him of them being 'friendly' in the TARDIS" (I'm not sure if she draws the pictures of them in the TARDIS together or actually leaves them inside the police box....if so the most worrying question is how the fuck did she get in...it's meant to have an isomorphic lock!).

Photobucket
Rude: Drawing.


“And she writes bizarre sci-fi versions of Hamlet, featuring herself as Ophelia and David as a futuristic Hamlet. She insists that both the Doctor and Hamlet are aliens in a hostile universe, who are terrified of being alone.

But she will save him by being his Rose, Ophelia or at a push Harry Sullivan.


“Sadly, the only thing she and Ophelia have in common is breasts, ginger hair and their madness. And David is afraid, very afraid.....unlike when he faced down both The Cybermen and The Daleks in Doomsday, because he was only acting then.”


The weirdo left her husband before the confetti had even settled when she discovered David had split with Lady Penelope Creighton Ward, 27.

Photobucket
Lady Penelope: FAB.


The 36-year-old star has mixed feelings about this – one of those being abject horror, as the stalker has bought front row tickets for the production every weekend until it finishes in November.

Photobucket
Auntie Jean: Mental.


The man added: “It’s a bit unnerving. But he won’t be able to spot her in the audience because he doesn’t know what she looks like.”

All I can say is "Auntie Jean....stop it right now".

Sunday, January 13, 2008

the foree and the ivy.

Cult movie God Ken Foree has a new project heading our way, and it sounds a good un!

Check this:

When a gang of nasty criminals steal all the donated toys from the local community centre, a down-on-his-luck Santa Claus is forced to take action.

Tracking the gang to their warehouse lair, Santa unleashes his deadly yuletide vengeance!

Black Santa's Revenge is a short film based on a comic strip first seen in BadAzz MoFo, an American pop culture magazine and the short film (about 25 minutes) is written, produced, and directed by David Walker (the creator of the aforementioned BadAzz MoFo).


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

some pics for pix.

Seeing as he's the only other person I know that would kill for the object featured. A rare Jack 'King' Kirby strip featuring an alien pencil that brings whatever you draw to life.....


Photobucket


You can also read Will's highly entertaining blog by following the link on the right.

who?

Ladies and gentlemen....we present the world's least convincing super hero.....

Photobucket


You've gotta feel sorry for poor MagicMaster tho', squeezed in the bottom corner......wonder who owns the film rights?

Hmmmm.....gives me an idea.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

i have a toy of it.

The Cloverfield monster revealed....possibly.

Photobucket

hartnell's hundred.

Time to celebrate today as it's exactly 100 years since William Hartnell, the first incarnation of everybodies fave teevee Time Lord was born.

For the many of fans who were children in the '60s, he remains the one, true Doctor (Colin Baker often refers to him as 'the guvnor), crotchety, bad tempered and at times callous but with a heart of gold and an almost childlike sense charm and adventure he was like no other hero on television.

Photobucket


coming from a difficult family background about which he was later very secretive, Billy held down a succession of short-term odd jobs before turning to acting in the late 1920s, where he enjoyed success in Rep and later in a succession of British movies.

Although originally seen as a comedy actor, it was his appearance as the sergeant in the 1940's propaganda short The Way Ahead that helped him develop his reputation for the no nonsense tough-guy roles for which he was most well known.

His career (and reputation) grew with appearances in such classics as Brighton Rock, as the eponymous sergeant in the first of the Carry Ons; Carry On Sergeant and in Lindsey Anderson's film version of This Sporting Life.

Photobucket
Previously unseen pics (no really) of
Billy on the set of This Sporting Life.


It was this role that led Verity Lambert to offer him the part of the Doctor and, although Hartnell was initially wary of taking on the role , he was eventually won over by Lambert and director Waris Hussein.

The rest, as they say, is television history.

Photobucket


Although ill health (and internal BBC politics) forced him to relinquish the part he loved in 1966, he remained incredibly fond of the series and in 1972 he filmed what would become his final performance for the tenth anniversary special The Three Doctors, which aired between December 30, 1972 and January 20, 1973.

He died on April 23, 1975, aged 67.

Photobucket

Friday, January 4, 2008

holy crossovers!

The Brighton Dome, 22nd July 1978....we'll not see the like again (unless Christian Bale gets really desperate).

Photobucket

Photobucket

Thursday, January 3, 2008

tears are not enough.

Finally it's here! because you demanded it! the full review of the (uncut) Italian Language version of La Terza Madre!!

(Warning! I would say it contains spoilers, but it's more like a blow by blow account of the plot....so if you don't want to know what happens, look away till you get to the Mekon man).


La Terza Madre
(AKA The Third Mother 2007)

Dir: Dario Argento.

Cast: Asia Argento, Daria Nicolodi, Moran Atias, Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni, Philippe Leroy, Adam James, Valeria Cavalli, Clive Riche, Massimo Sarchielli, Silvia Rubino, Jun Ichikawa and Udo Kier.

Photobucket

What you see does not exist. What you cannot see is truth.



Whilst digging up a Vieterbo cemetery somewhere in Rome, Bob the (Italian) builder (with the help of Lofty) accidentally crashes thru an open grave, landing atop a 19th century urn strapped to a coffin.

Ouch.

The local priest appears to recognise the name etched into the ancient wood and decides to box it off to Michael (James), curator of the Museum of Ancient Art in Rome, but not before reburying the body on the far side of the church....

Museum intern Giselle (Cataldi-Tassoni) receives the spooky casket thru the mail and rather than wait for Michael to arrive, persuades her uber-sexy librarian-like art restorer colleague Sarah (Argento) that they should open it themselves for a wee nosy.

Photobucket
Asia: Silky blouse and a pearl necklace
(which I didn't give her before you ask).



Cutting her finger over the urn (never a good idea) whilst opening it Giselle intently examines the contents; a huge dagger, three evil Moonmins statues and a hand knitted crop top with glittery letters embroidered onto it.

Snazzy.

Intrigued by the ancient text, Sarah hurries away to fetch some handy 'how to translate old t-shirts' books whilst her pal squints at the statuettes whilst hmming and ahhing a lot and nibbling a pen top.

Photobucket
"It'd look great with a pair of mules and a drindle skirt".


Within minutes of the box being opened tho', the room is suddenly crammed full of shadowy, bald demons with knives and annoyed expressions plus quite possibly the shit-scariest movie monkey this side of Phenomena.

Before Giselle can scream for help tho' she has her tongue messily removed with what looks like a giant wooden corkscrew, her chest slit from throat to groin and finally she's strangled with her own intestine.

God knows what they'd have done if she'd dared tried the top on.

Photobucket
"Here come the Belgians!"


Returning with the books Sarah notices the blood, demons, intestines over the walls (not forgetting the creepy monkey) and, quite understandably legs it down a corridor to the main entrance with the wee hairy fella in hot pursuit but, when finding the exit locked a mysterious wind blows the doors open as a disembodied voice shouts "run!"

Rome's finest arrive on the scene and instantly think Sarah is a mentalist with her tale of scary demons, ghostly voices and spooky monkeys, so she heads home with hunky Michael to discuss all things supernatural over a mug of hot chocolate whilst his Giovanni Frezza like son sits cheekily on his bed.

Photobucket
Some mothers do 'ave 'em.


Whilst Sarah sleeps an ill wind is blowing thru the streets of Rome, mindless violence and murderous robberies begin to take hold of the city and groups of mid 80's goth girls start arriving in droves and abusing old men at train stations as young mothers begin casually tossing their babies off bridges (and yes they do bounce).

The police, deducing that Sarah is behind all this (no idea why) decide to follow her. Michael on the other hand has different idea's. He's going to go visit the old priest who discovered the urn for some answers (that will be revealed in fantastically illustrated black and white flashbacks as a pounding Simonetti score plays in the background). It appears that the urn carried the magic tunic of Mater Lachrymarum, the Mother of Tears and the most beautiful and wicked of The Three Mothers; three sisters skilled in the dark art of witchcraft who wandered the world amassing great personal wealth and power but leaving only death and destruction in their wake.

Photobucket
While you're waiting for the movie to continue
here are some nice storyboards for
the scenes we couldn't afford to shoot.


It appears that the chaos and bloodshed on the streets is only the beginning and Mater Lachrymarum is lying in wait, regaining her strength for the coming second fall of Rome.

On his way home Michael is perturbed when he notices the two (fairly) sexy (in a Birmingham Powerhouse 1987 way) goth chicks (including the really scary, black toothed Jun Ichikawa) staring at him from a bridge whilst licking their lips.

Ooeer.

Photobucket
Ichikawa: scary as fuck.


Returning home Michael is surprised (and a wee bit upset-tho not too much) to find the witches have kidnapped his son, leaving a load of archaic symbols and the word SILENTIUM scrawled in blood on his headboard.....his son will die if he continues to search for answers.

Michael has only one option left to him...he must travel to meet one of the Vatican's last remaining (and not to say the sexiest) Exorcism cum demon specialists at his country house on the outskirts of Rome. Sarah offers to go to the library to look up more information (and to fill in those few cinema goers who've accidentally turned up to see the movie -or rented it on DVD-not realising it's a sequel to Suspiria and Inferno) regarding The Three Mothers.

But Michael doesn't make it far before he's accosted by a couple of goth girls in a phone box (which some folk would pay good money for)...the only thing he can do is call Sarah for help.

Rushing from the library to the train station, Sarah is shocked to find that not only are the police tailing her but so is the scary Japanese goth and her pals (including a punked up midget!-this keeps getting better and better).

During a high octane bookshop based chase scene however, the mysterious voice in Sarah's head explains that if she concentrates really, really hard she will become invisible to her pursuers.

Photobucket
"You aint seen me, right?"


Remarkably this does the trick and Sarah manages to board a train undetected by the police but not, alas by the scary Japanese lady who having sneaked aboard has already killed a copper and is currently searching the train toilets for our heroine.

Sarah has the last laugh tho' for as Jun goes to strike, our arse kicking art restoring honey slams the witches head repeatedly in the toilet door till her eyes pop out before hopping on another train bound for exorcismville and a date with the kindly Padre Joannes.

Arriving at his country abode, the first thing Sarah notices is the large group of mentalists, gypsies, topless ladies and Tourettes sufferers camped out in his courtyard. Everyone is either possessed or gone mad the rather butch housekeeper explains, which is why Joannes is way too busy to see her.

Sarah pushes her way into the house only to be confronted by the exotic (and low cut cleavage sporting) Marta (Cavalli), a friendly Sapphic (you can tell) medium who appears to know much more about Sarah's mysterious voices-and the circumstances surrounding her mothers death than even Sarah herself does.

Photobucket
Valeria Cavalli (totally unnecessary
lesbian sex scene still to come).



Sarah is understandably taken aback by claims that her mother, Elisa (Argento's ex, Asia's mum and owner of the world's sexiest smoker voice Daria Nicolodi, playing a character that's not to be confused with the similarly named Elise Stallone Van Adler that she portrayed in Inferno, no matter what certain fansites suggest) did not die in a car accident but was in fact a white witch who, whilst studying ballet at the Tanz Akademie in Freiburg lost her life to Mater Suspiriorum.... and it's her mothers voice she's been hearing and who has been guiding her actions.

Still keeping up at the back? Good stuff.

Limping, spluttering and wearing a HUGE crucifix and carrying a glass of water for his 'medicine' the grey haired and oh so slightly camp Padre Joannes enters the room.

He has been expecting Sarah and has information that will be vital if she is to defeat Mater Lachrymarum.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls (but mainly boys)....it's Udo time!


Photobucket
You would, I would and he most definitely would. Twice
(well in my dreams anyway).



Joannes has been run off his feet with the amounts of exorcisms he's having to perform at the moment (hence the freaks camped out in his garden) and explains that it's all down to the Mothers dark influence.....things are going to get much worse too as more and more witches arrive in Rome to prepare for her rising.

Luckily the Padre has a book that explains exactly how to kill Lachrymarum so he totters off to his study to fetch it.

Joannes finds that the book has gone and shouts on his housemaid for help locating it, unfortunately (for him, her and her wee boy) she's way too busy chopping up her son with a meat cleaver to offer a hand and decides instead to cut the padres throat before slashing his ankles, slamming the cleaver into his back and, just to make sure he's dead using it to turn his face into a meaty soup (all in glorious technicolour close up) before cutting her own throat to the cry of "For my Mother!"

With Udo down (noooooooooooooo!) Sarah and Marta have no alternative but to start panicking and leg it to the car, narrowly avoiding the pervy pikeys before driving back to the city.

It has to be said tho, that Marta is surprisingly calm as she explains more about Sarah's powers and her mothers legacy during the drive back even offering to let her sleep over to hone her powers.

Sarah however thinks it'd be safer to head home in case Michael rings (yep, I'd forgotten about him too) so Marta drops her off in the middle of a riot and bids her goodnight.

Photobucket
"There's somebody at the door!"

Sarah soon has a change of heart however when she attempts to unlock her front door only to hear what sounds like a cheeky monkey rifling thru her pant drawer so decides to take up Marta's offer.

Photobucket
A totally unnecessary lesbian sex scene yesterday.


Arriving at Marta's pad (much to the disdain of her 'flatmate' Helga-a really grumpy Rubino) there's just time for a quick coffee, a few lessons in seeing the dead and a chat with mum (not forgetting some all important plot exposition) before bed. Elisa warns her daughter that she can't fight Mater Lachrymarum alone and must secure the help of friendly warlock Guglielmo De Witt if she is to have any chance of winning.

Snuggled up on the sofa with nothing to do but listen to the totally gratuitous (and completely unnecessary) sex scene in the next room, Sarah is awoken by dreams of demons, chimps and monkey noises.....but wait....the monkey noises are coming from the hallway!

Sarah does what we'd all do in these circumstances and sneaks out the flat only stopping to phone Marta to warn her of the killer monkey in her house.

But it's too little too late seeing as when she climbs out of bed to answer the phone she's karate chopped in the throat whilst poor Helga is finally given something to look grumpy about when she gets stabbed in the chest by a baldy man with bad skin.

Photobucket
"Knife to see you, to see you knife!"


In a rare moment of calm from this tsunami of bloodshed, Mr. Bald Pate stops to howl menacingly down the phone at Sarah causing her to trash the receiver and run off into the night.

Lying prostrate on the floor of her bedroom, Marta can only gaze on in horror as Mater Lachrymarum (looking like a Jedi stripper seeing as she's clad only in a cape and hood) accompanied by a chained blonde bimbette dressed in an Anne Summers toga, slinks into the room.

Photobucket
"Put it in me!"


Lachrymarum crouches down next to Marta, wiggling her ample arse like a big, pink, caped cat and starts licking her cheek in a vaguely erotic manner before ordering baldy to stab the unconscious Helga in the eyes with a sharp pointy thing and if this wasn't enough to put you off your popcorn he then takes a snap together spear out of his briefcase and violently inserts it into Marta's nether regions, pushing till it pops out of her mouth.

Which, even I will admit is maybe a wee bit excessive.

Wandering the blood drenched, violent streets in a horrified daze, Sarah is shocked to see Michael hurry past her, she gives chase and manages to catch up with him in a deserted alley.

Looking like shit and smelling of cheap gin and piss, he calmly explains how the witches have murdered his son and how he is on the run from the evil ladies but it should be ok for him and Sarah to head back to his for coffee.

Sarah thinks there's nothing at all suspicious about this suggestion and happily accompanies him back to his flat. It's only after she's put the kettle on that Sarah realises that Michael is actually a re-animated, slit-throated, foul mouthed tool of Mater Lachrymarum.

Deciding that their relationship is probably over she does what most girls would do.

That's right, she sets fire to her undead ex and runs off to bitch about it to her mum who, using the last of her magical powers drags the human torch-alike off to limbo in a scene very reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz (which to my mind is a good thing really).


Photobucket
"Curses Dan Dare!"



Lost and alone as everything she knows and loves is dragged into hell and with the police broadcasting nationwide APB's claiming that she is behind everything, Sarah's only hope lies with the mysterious Guglielmo De Witt.

But will he have the information she needs to find and defeat the third mother?

Or will Mater Lachrymarum create a living hell on earth?


Since Dario Argento announced his plans to complete 'The Three Mothers' trilogy way back in 2004 the internet has been rife with rumours and gossip concerning the new film even before a script was completed or a frame of film shot (well, it was on the kinda sites I read). Fans were worried with discussions ranging from "Will it live up to the highs of Suspiria and Inferno?" to the blunt "Dario lost it half way thru' Phenomena...it'll be crap".

As a huge (nay, obsessive) fan of the 'master of horror' since my early teens it pains me to admit that since the release of his undisputed classic giallo Tenebrae (way back in 1982), the great man's career has had more twists and turns than a really big twisty turny roller-coaster, taking him from being hailed as 'the new Hitchcock' (something he's had to live up to since his directorial debut The Bird With A Crystal Plumage) and heir apparent to Mario Bava's crown as Italy's 'Maestro of the Macabre' to being seen as a spent talent, churning out cheaply xeroxed copies of his hits desperately trying to regain his former glory.

I'll admit that since Tenebrae's release Argento has gone from the dizzying excesses of the truly fantastic Opera (AKA Terror At The Opera) thru the maddeningly out of control car crash of a movie that is Phenomena and the almost Argento-lite of his first American shot feature Trauma, taking in the dazzling return to form, Non Ho Sonno and the great in parts The Card Player.

But thru' thick and thick myself (and many more like minded souls) have stuck by the great man, knowing full well that a bad Argento movie is usually 100 times more entertaining that most 'mainstream' movies being released today (except the cinematic abortion that was-and still is- his version of The Phantom Of The Opera of course).

So.....how does La Terza Madre fair in the 21st century world of 'torture porn' and slick Hollywood no-brain horror? but most importantly is it a worthy climax to the story of The Three Mothers?

To answer the last one.....um.....kinda.


Photobucket
"Does my bum look big in this?"


From the opening titles featuring illustrations and artwork charting the history of witchcraft matched to a frankly pant-wettingly good Claudio Simonetti score that subliminally echoes the music of Suspiria without aping it you know you're in classic Argento territory. A sense of foreboding and cold menace hang over the opening scenes like a cruel blanket of fog on a deserted moor. It almost feels as if Mater Lachrymarum's plan is already in action and that the characters are merely pawns in a greater game being dragged along to their respective fates.

The complexities of the Mother's back story inform the whole proceedings but not to the detriment of viewers who aren't familiar with the earlier chapters, thanks to a solid screenplay written by Dario alongside Jase Anderson and Adam Gierasch (scarily the duo behind the abysmal Toolbox Murders remake....who knew they could actually write?) that
ticks all the right boxes needed to produce a great final act to an epic story.

Photobucket
"Shite in mah mooth!"


Fans of the previous installments are rewarded with nods to characters and situations from both Suspiria and Inferno, satisfyingly linking it to the previous films and even the high level of exposition dialogue (never one of Argento's strong points) may sometimes border on the camply absurd side but is played with a knowing conviction that never veers into unintentional laughs because this is a one of a kind director at the top of his game making a film about a subject he loves.

The almost perversely graphic murder scenes are pure Argento and match anything the director has imagined before, both brutal and vile yet at the same time stunning to watch. Add to this a director who brings a new subtlety to his palette; the earlier scenes shot in harsh greys with natural lighting leaving his trademark brilliant reds and blues to come to the fore when the Mother's power and influence begin to grow, building towards a nightmarish climax awash with deep crimson shafts of light and black shadows slashing thru' the film like an open razor.

So, at this point I have to ask.....what the fuck went wrong with the movies climax?

Photobucket
"Laugh now!"


I mean after the years of waiting, the bad press reports and less than favourable reviews I'd settled down expecting a midly entertaining so-so Argento movie.

Nothing more, nothing less.

But it was better, much better than it had any right to be, almost (gulp) on a par with Inferno....an 'end of days' horror for the new millennium. It builds and builds moving relentlessly towards it's aforementioned fiery climax and then.....

Photobucket
"Aye and indeed, Hen!"



It's as if the co-writers hastily put an ending on paper (perhaps it was their final piece and the shop was shut) expecting Dario to flesh it out but then he assumed the same. It's classic 7 year old schoolboy creative writing, you remember, you'd write these huge rambling stories that took up about 8 sides in your exercise book then realise The Two Ronnies or something was on in 5 minutes so you'd hastily scribble down:

'and so the hero killed the bad guy. The End'

and rush off to do whatever it was that was more important.

This also goes for the effects department who, after 90 minutes of fantastic work appear to shoddily pin up a painting of a street (completed by the AD's 3 year old blind, wooden handed child) for the final scenes that doesn't just leave you wondering if you've accidently skipped a chapter and gone straight to the out-takes but also how anyone could have sat and agreed that this was a great way to end not just the film, but the whole trilogy.


Photobucket
"Don't shout at me! I never wrote the ending!"


Did Dario keep it a secret till the night of release? or is he surrounded by George Lucas style 'yes' men hanging on his every word?

I just don't know.

Part of me thinks that if the movie had, in fact been the lackluster mess that most reviewers had said then it wouldn't have mattered so much.

But it's not. It's possibly the best Argento movie since Opera and shows the director has lost none of his talent or passion for the cinema, just that he needs discipled co-writers to work with, not glorified fan boys who were obviously too in awe of their hero to say "No Dario, that endings shit...we need a better one".

I'd love to think I could end this review with something witty and amusing, rather than leave it looking like I hated the movie (which I didn't). It's just that this missed opportunity doesn't just reflect badly on what could have been a classic horror movie from the worlds greatest horror director but one the Three Mothers trilogy as a whole.

Dario, you've not just let us down, you've let yourself down too.