Friday, February 29, 2008

1984 and all that.

Thought I'd gone back in time this morning after hearing the news that big chinned Tory MP Julian Brazier announced that 'Explicit and extreme video games and films are fueling a tide of violence in Britain' and that MPs should have more of a say over appointments to the board of British Board of Film Classification and its guidelines.

Brazier: looks like a pervert.

Power mad Mr Brazier wants MPs to be able to trigger an appeal against BBFC decisions to restore cut footage or lower a classification of film and during a recent Commons debate, he cited the example of the previously banned SS Experiment Camp (again, what year is this Julian?) - which was re-examined by the BBFC and released in 2005.

"The film shows in voyeuristic detail women being tortured to death by SS camp guards," he said, obviously assuming that it was a documentary and not as we all know a badly made Italian exploitation epic from 1976.

On the subject of the French 'arthouse' classic Irreversible, he added "If this is not glamorising rape then it is difficult to imagine what would be."

He then told MPs, whilst foaming at the mouth and stamping his fist on his desk like the jumped up little Hitler he is that: "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

Obviously he has no evidence to back this up but thought it sounded good.

Vaz: Ambulance chasing vulture.

Unsurprisingly he was backed by tragedy jumping Labour MP Keith Vaz, who represents a seat in Leicester where the mother of 14-year-old murder victim publicly attributed his death to his killer's 'obsession' with the Manhunt video game - although the trial judge (and police) did not confirm her view, blaming robbery.

Vaz is particularly concerned about video games (particularly if they can get him column inches and re-elected), arguing they were different from films because they are "interactive".

"When they plan with these things they are able to interact, they can shoot people, they can kill people, they can rape women and that's what is so wrong about the situation we have at the moment."

As we all know, you can't actually 'kill' people in games because it's not real.

A fake death scene from a film: not real.

Luckily the comedy genius of John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee is here to raise a giggle.

He said he had been 'lent' a copy of SS Experiment Camp (right, like it's not his own) but dismissed it as a "truly dreadful film".

He explained: "It is what is called Italian Schlock (is it? is it really? or are you just making words up now to look cool and hip you sad misguided man) and many people will find it offensive because of the subject matter, because it involves Nazis and extermination camps".

Do you think he figured that out from the title?

I have to say there is not a single scene in that film that I could argue should be banned. "Actually the scenes of so-called torture and the scenes of sex are mild compared to anything you can go and see today in the Odeon down the road."

What? anything? even in kids films? and Rambo? even tho' the Odeon aren't showing it? Generalization? Never!

However, he did say he was concerned about big budget "torture porn" films like the Saw and Hostel series of films, which he said should have been cut "more than they were" even tho' he admitted he hadn't seen them.

Mr Brazier's bill has cross-party support but would need the government's backing to become law.

Let's pray to God he gets hit by a bus before then.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

my real dad?

The legendary Ted Chippington.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

a few new additions... the creaking Unwell shelves.....Yup it's true, I do judge a film by it's cover.









Scarily there are more to come...

Monday, February 25, 2008

shoot the dead.

Diary Of The Dead (2007)
Dir: George A Romero.
Cast: Shawn Roberts, Joshua Close, Michelle Morgan, Joe Dinicol, Phillip Riccio, Scott Wentworth, Megan Park, Chris Violette, Amy Ciupak Lalonde and Tatiana Maslany.


"For you, if it's not on film it never happened."

Busy filming a student horror movie in the woods, wannabe documentary maker Jason Creed (Close) and his crew are surprised to here a news report stating that the bodies of the recently dead are returning to life and attacking the living.

Not too surprisingly the group of film makers are kinda freak out by these turn of events, Ridley rich-boy (Riccio) is the first to jump ship, inviting the (understandably) freaked out band to hide out at his families fortified mansion before speeding off with the toothy Francine (Park) in tow.

Jason decides to head back to the college to get his girlfriend Debra (Morgan) before heading cross country in a beat up Winnebago alongside his crew - brooding Tony (Roberts), spec-head Eliot (Dinicol), Texan tottie Tracy (Lalonde), her hunky beau Gordo, jittery wallflower Mary (Maslany) and the permanently pissed lecturer Maxwell (Wentworth) - under the auspice of heading home, documenting the journey (pretentiously titled The Death of Death) along the way.


Bruiser: "You ain't seen me, right?"

After the wilderness years that covered most of the 90's and the first half of the noughties it seemed that genre god Romero would have trouble getting even his holiday snaps developed at the local chemist let alone a film deal (2000's Bruiser is still unreleased in the States and most of Europe). So it was with some surprise (and much excitement) when it was announced that he would begin work on a big budget (for him) continuation of his 'Dead Saga', Land Of The Dead for Universal Pictures and, although the movie was only a moderate hit Stateside (and split Romero fandom; some feeling it was a 'stopgap' movie somehow compromised by the studio system) it seemed, if nothing else to rekindle Romero's creative edge, drive and love for the genre he single handedly created 40 years ago.

"Snyder yer gettin' it!": The big binned
'un on the set of Land.

Personally I find it way too hard to be critical of 'Land' and whilst I admit it never reaches the heights of Dawn of The Dead or Day of The Dead it does feature some uniquely Romero moments and it has to be said, an 'adequate' Romero movie still stands head and shoulders over most horror movies being churned out of Hollywood today (and did something to remove the taste of the cinematic stillbirth that was Zac Snyders Dawn remake).

So what of this latest chapter in the masters 'Dead Saga'?

Well, if someone had of said to me that at the age of 67, Romero would be running around in the cold Canadian wilderness, armed only with a hand held camera, coffee and fags making a low budget return visit to the original night it all started to give us a new slant on the zombie uprising I'd have thought they'd gone mad (and would have at least emailed Georges missis to check he hadn't been drinking) but bloody hell, the old fella has still got it.

Although sold as a 'stand alone' movie, Diary is still as much a part of Romero's ongoing vision of the zombie uprising as it's predecessors, taking as it does the premise and ideas forged in Night of The Living Dead mixed with his patented blend of social satire, real world interpersonal politics and heady violence.

Add to this a critical view of how the media can shape, inform and eventually alter our perspective of shared events as well as posing the question of can any reportage be truly unbiased.

Don't mess with Texas.

Romero's ongoing fascination with the breakdown of society and the media's handling of such an event is given a unique spin by the way that today any information, no matter how trivial can be so instantly disseminated to the entire world via the internet, a far cry from the ramshackle news reports of Dawn of The Dead but eerily similar to the 'If it's not on TV it's not really happening' attitude of the original Night and, by making the films main protagonist the camera lens- we see only what it sees -Romero makes us a complicit part of the unfolding story.

What's more horrific: the recently dead returning
to life or the recently dead returning
to life wearing that jumper?

The (mostly) unknown cast is uniformly fantastic and a return to the 'real people in unreal situations' of Romero's earlier works. Michelle Morgan excels as Debra, torn between dealing with her boyfriends overwhelming obsession to complete his documentary and her own over-riding need to be with her family whilst Scott Wentworth's film professor is a deadpan joy to watch. But it has to be said tho' that no matter how great this little ensemble cast is, the true star of the movie (and possibly the whole saga) has to be Samuel the Old Amish man....NECA release an action figure of this guy now!

"Put it in me!"

What else can I say? Diary of The Dead is the cleverest, scariest and downright entertaining horror movie to come out of America (or Canada) since Romero's own Day of The Dead in 1985. And it truly has something for everyone.

If you don't go see this (or more importantly don't like it) then there is really no hope for you.

Utter perfection on celluloid.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

disturbing toys (part 1).


Not even I own these.

croc o' vile.

With the release of creepy croc shocker Black Water this weekend (and with John Sayles bombing around Glasgow during the film festival) I thought I'd share the Unwell top ten fave killer croc/angry alligator movies.....


Barbara Bach vs. a big Alligator:
But which is the most leathery?

Did it eat her whole or spit it out?

Sonne, strand blut indeed Mr. Lister!

The maniac is the poor sod who funded
this Tobe Hooper abomination.

Could any film live up to this poster?

And this one.

This gave me nightmares for weeks.

Well, that's one more sequel than
List got.

It's a croc!
It's a dinosaur!
and it's from Roger Corman!
How can it not be great?

And I bet no-one bothered to ask him about this (or The Howling and Piranha) at his talk at the GFT.


Best giant gator movie ever. FACT.

Sayle: of the century.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

holy warhola batman!

Andy Warhol and Nico as Batman and Robin from Esquire Magazine in 1967.




Tuesday, February 12, 2008

a little less conversation....

For Your Height Only (1981)
Dir: Eddie Nicart
Cast: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Carmi Martin, Mike Cohen, Anna Marie Gutierrez and Beth Sandoval.


"How did that midget find out about our operation? That little Weng could put us out of business!"

Whilst visiting the Philippines (no doubt for cheap crack and, sorry for a 'science conference') the brilliant (at what I don't know) and bearded Professor Bertie 'Van' Kohler, inventor of the terrifying 'N' bomb is kidnapped by an evil group of pimp shirted bad men and held to ransom by the notorious Mr. Giant.

At times of crisis the world calls on one man, the Philippines top secret agent codenamed: 'Agent 00'; a martial arts expert, weapons specialist, randy romancer, smart dressed lady killer and all-around honest to goodness superhero wrapped in a tiny package topped off with a Dario Argento moptop.

Arriving at Spy HQ, Agent 00 (Weng Weng) receives his orders and his top gadgets from 'The Boss' (not Bruce Springsteen, but a jovial, chubby pervy old uncle figure) who appears obsessed with Wengs ability to listen to him without interrupting.


And oh boy what gadgets!

Not only does he have a radio controlled flying straw hat but also a fountain pen which kills
("Of course. It isn't any good if you need to write with it, but we can't have everything." explains his boss sadly) and a ring which can detect poison!

Let's not forget his big belt which 'has useful things in it', a mini machine gun, a jet pack and, best of all a pair of huge glasses that enable him to see thru' ladies clothes!

Weng manages to infiltrate Mr. Giant’s gang by stripping off his shirt and wiggling his HUGE erect nipples in front of a sexy lady whilst muttering the immortal chat up line: “Hey, do you want to do it?”


The rest of the movie is a fantastic mish mash of hair raising stunts (usually involving Weng jumping off buildings using an umbrella as a parachute or jumping over hills on a mini motorbike), Weng dancing to hot disco hits to impress a gaggle of Filipino chicks and our pint sized hero chasing polyester panted (and shiny shirted) bad guys with his flying hat.

After all this action (and more hot loving), Weng makes his way to the villains hide out, eliminating most of his henchmen thru' a mix of hot lead and punches to the happy sacks before confronting Mr. Giant himself......who isn't a giant at all......HE'S A MIDGET TOO!!!!!


The best film ever made? quite possibly.

Probably the world's greatest action hero, Weng Weng made a further two Agent 00 movies, The Impossible Kid and Da Best in The West.


The Impossible Kid sees Weng Weng transferred to the Manila branch of Interpol and sent in pursuit of the notorious Mr X, a super villain whose head is covered by a giant white sports sock whilst Da Best in The West has Weng and sexy sidekick Gordon investigating the murder of Santa Monica’s mayor. This movie has one of the greatest climaxes of all time, featuring as it does Weng armed with a Gatling gun mowing down hundreds of Mexican bandits whilst a tribe of dwarf tribesmen launch a counter attack with bows and arrows.

You NEED these.

where are they now? (part 1)

The pug faced wee girl from Zombie Lake.


If you're reading this get in touch.

Monday, February 11, 2008

between the covers.

A couple of 70's paperbacks that would make fantastic movies.






sexy at seventy?

Catwoman Julie Newmar celebrates her 70th birthday in style.


people you shouldn't fancy but do.....(part 2)

Cruella De Ville.



Sunday, February 10, 2008

why does my blog keep getting.....


Is Keith Vaz reading it?

jesus of the future?


From a 1939 issue of Vanity Fair.

Monday, February 4, 2008

last night i dreamt somebody loved me....


From the brush of Isabel Samaras. More to follow.

the ultimate nightmare situation.....

For parents of twins (in handy strip form). Yup, all my parenting skills I learned from DC Comics....does it show?