Wednesday, March 26, 2008

the satan pitch.

Greatest Doctor Who based news story of the year?

Could be!

A Trowbridge Christian who renounced the evil of Doctor Who in favour of his newly discovered religious beliefs is selling his entire collection on internet auction website eBay.

But he hasn't sold his story to the paper to drum up extra publicity and more cash.


White: Sad and lonely man.

Balding and pot bellied Simon White, 47, became obsessed (and possibly possessed) by Doctor Who from a very early age and started collecting and building life-size models, finally sharing his home (but hopefully not his bed) with a full-size Dalek, two Cybermen and K-9.

The collection, which Mr White estimates is worth over £8.25, was built up over a number of years but is to be cast aside because of his religious beliefs.

Doctor Who and his materialistic obsession with it represents the "greatest lie that Satan ever told" said Mr White in his annoyingly nasally voice before continuing "I loved it, it was my favourite, I'd spend hours cracking one off over pictures of Sophie Aldred till I realised how silly the idea of a man from he heavens who walks amongst us giving us lessons on life and fighting evil whilst possessing the power to be 'resurrected' upon death was childish. I mean who would believe such stuff?".

Tennant: Satanic baby eater (allegedly).

He excitedly added, rubbing his sweating palms on his grease stained trousers (almost as if he'd hardly experience the company of anything other than his right hand): "I loved science fiction as a kid. It was the TARDIS that did it for me (in a non sexual way I hope). You could get in that box and go anywhere. I started collecting Doctor Who stuff starting with the Dalek, which I got from an old exhibitionist in Brighton whilst me and a 'friend' spent two years making the TARDIS. It was then I discovered that the series had possessed me, the voices started telling me to kill whores and bury the bodies in Cromer. I couldn't stop myself...I made a model of K-9, then a full size Cyberman with authentic parts".

Authentic parts? What? cybernetic implants and the bodies of old tramps?

Sick fuck.

Aldred: pleasures of the palm.

"I had to retire early from my job as a nurse at the Royal United Hospital in Bath because I was caught attempting to graft extra hearts onto the old folk. I turned to drink and constant masturbation before becoming an alcoholic (no doubt to give him something to do with the other hand).

The Doctor Who obsession was the only thing that kept me going.

It was as if it was controlling my thoughts and movements a wee bit like The Ood in that story The Satan Pit.

I couldn't have given it up even if you'd have put a gun to my head."

Or a Dalek plunger up his arse perhaps?

A Dalek prepares to devour some
children's souls yesterday.

Luckily Mr Smith discovered Christianity and has renounced his old life, feeling it more realistic to blindly hate homosexuals and their ilk rather than fictional characters such as the potato headed Sontarans and is putting his whole collection up for sale in local trade magazines and on eBay.

He said: "God delivered me from the evil that is Doctor Who, materialism, masturbation, fisting and alcoholism.

Through my relationship with Jesus I saw that none of this was making me happy and I was born again like Lazarus, or maybe the Master in Utopia.

It's a timely tale as we come up to Easter, the story of Jesus I mean not Earthshock and I wanted to loudly bore others by harping on about how no matter what trouble you are in God can deliver you from the evil.

Can he?
Tell that to the hundreds of innocents dead in the numerous war zones across the planet.

"If you are prepared to have a relationship with him then God can help".

Surely that's a bit like an old man saying "make smoke come out of my magic pipe and I'll give you five pounds"?

Sounds well suspect if you ask me.

The Doctor in the olden days shortly before he
betrayed Jesus, causing him to be
nailed to two planks of wood. Bastard.

"I have been resurrected. My old life is dead, my new life is alive."

Fair enough, now can you fuck off and stop annoying us normal folk with your frankly tragic little life you sad, sad man.

If you are interested in buying the Doctor Who figures (or feel like ripping the piss out of Mr. White because honestly he's fair game) contact the Wiltshire Times & Chippenham News on (01225) 773643 or email their website.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

nervous rec.

[Rec] (2007)
Dir: Jaume Balagueró, Paco Plaza
Cast: Manuela Velasco, Vicente Gil, Pablo Rosso, Ferran Terraza, Claudia Font, Manuel Bronchud, Martha Carbonell, María Teresa Ortega, Carlos Vicente, David Vert, Jorge Serrano.


Bubbly Teevee reporter Angela (the strangely cute and slightly bunny-like Velascois) and her cameraman Pablo are covering the (mundane) late shift in a Barcelona fire station for the reality series When You're Asleep, meeting the firemen, playing basketball and chatting to the receptionist in the hope that they can find something exciting to record before dawn.


The calm is broken by a routine call from a local apartment block where it appears that an old lady has locked herself out and, deciding that this must be better than nothing, Angela and Pablo hitch a ride with friendly firefighting duo Manu (Terraza) and Alex (Vert).

Arriving at the apartment building to find the police already there and the residents standing about in the hallway after a fire alarm looking slightly bemused and somewhat annoyed by the situation.

The intrepid band, led by the high waisted and permanently grumpy policeman in charge, head upstairs to the old womans flat and are surprised to find not somebodies gran looking sick and shouting "Whit?" in a bemused way but a saggy titted white faced harridan insistent on tearing out the dear old coppers throat with her teeth.

Which is nice.

Understandably the rescue team want out (and a wee bit of back-up) as soon as possible and head back to the lobby (carrying the throatless fat man) only to find the whole building sealed off with big bin bags and a squad of chemical suited folk outside telling them not to panic.

It appears that the whole block is now quarantined due to a mystery virus and the best thing would be for everyone to stay put till the authorities get it under control.

Meanwhile it seems that the old lady has gone walkabouts, someones dad is unaccounted for and a small girl has a very serious sounding cough......

"Touch mah titties!"

Directing duo Balaguero and Plaza have crafted a fantastic high concept yet low budget mini masterpiece of a movie (which is a wee bit of a shock seeing as they brought us the Calista Flockhart snoozefest Fragile and the shaggy dog Werewolf epic Romasanta before this).

The set-up is simple and played to perfection reveling in the mundaneness of the fire crews lives whilst Velasco is instantly likable as the eager to please Angela, ably supported by Terraza and Vert and the unseen Pablo.

Everyone is so natural and real that when the blood finally hits the fan we feel like we're experiencing every terrifying moment with them, which is nerve wracking seeing as from that point in the film becomes a shock-tastic frenzy of ferociously fearsome fun that never lets up till the credits roll.

"Mine too!"

The best thing about [Rec]. tho' is that it is a genuinely scary movie that, alongside Neil Marshall's The Descent taps into the very real fear of becoming trapped in a familiar world turned upside down (not literally mind) and whilst synopses of the film band about cliched quotes about 'zombies' and 'rabies' leaving you to expect a brainless horror 'b' picture there is in fact much more to [Rec] than first seems.

"Laugh now!"

Currently being remade (badly probably) in the States as Quarantine, my advice to you dear readers is to rush out now and catch the original on it's (limited) UK release.

You can thank me later.

Manuela Velasco gives her
verdict on the American remake.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

happy easter readers!


Friday, March 21, 2008

misheard movie titles?


momma told me not to come.

Big Bad Momma (1974)
Dir: Steve Carver
Cast: Angie Dickinson, William Shatner, Tom Skerritt, Susan Sennett, Robbie Lee, Noble Willingham, Dick Miller, Royal Dano.


"Hot Lead, Hot Cars, Hot Dames, Hot Damn!"

In the hot and dusty depression era of the good ol' US of A (California to be precise) very merry widow and working mum Wilma McClatchie (Dickinson) is having a hard time with the thought of her youngest daughter Polly (Lee) getting hitched to such a boring guy so decides, aided by her other daughter Billie Jean (Sennett) and close family friend 'Uncle' Barney ( Willingham) , to drag Polly out of the church just before the "I do's", jilting the groom at the altar.

Bizarrely they manage to run foul of the FBI and in the ensuing gun battle, Barney gets himself shot (to death) leaving Wilma to take over his successful bootlegging empire.

You would, your dad would,
the Shat already has done. Twice.

But this is just the beginning of the families decent into crime, next on the list of misdemeanors is a wee bit of thieving (as they say round here) after Wilma stumbles in on her daughters performing a sexy striptease for a gaggle of buck toothed, sweaty palmed, greasy war veterans.

To ease her conscience (and to calm herself down after seeing her sweet innocent daughters leered at by so many freaks) Wilma decides to run of with the veterans cash and before too long has teamed up with mustachioed heart throb and housewives choice Fred (Skerritt - whom they meet when they’re attempting to rob the very same bank as he is) and the sexy, white suited Southern gentleman Baxter (The great god of love himself, Lord William of Shatner) to start her own crime syndicate.

Her mission?

To rob, cheat, steal, shag and raise enough cash to keep her daughters in skimpy outfits for life.

Which seems fair enough to me.

Shatner mooth.

Baxter very quickly becomes Wilma’s 'lover' (well it is the Shat so what do you expect?) giving the director an excuse to show the great man naked, sweaty and thrusting at Teevee's 'Police Woman' Dickinson (also naked but frankly who cares?) on a squeaking bed, his muscular torso bathed in electric blue moonlight.

Why is Angie looking angry?
Cos William Shatner!

But I digress....anyway petty jealousies cause Baxter and Fred to argue a bit (it seems Fred has a soft spot for dear old Wilma...ah sweet) sending Fred into the arms (and magnificently oiled thighs) of both her daughters.

At once.

Jammy sod.

"Rock on Tommy (gun)".

But not to worry, their are still loads of wallets that need lifting, corrupt coppers to run rings round and arrogant upper classes to better and because Wilma and her clan are so loyal to each other (plus not to mention sexy and resourceful) they become heroes to the down trodden common folk (who don't have any cash - or teeth- to steal).

Unfortunately tho' everything goes pear shaped when the boys botch a kidnapping attempt leaving poor Wilma to take the rap.....

Will she live to fight (or steal?) another day?

Self censorship rules.

Produced by exploitation king Roger Corman, Big Bad Mama is probably one of his best loved projects and although Steve (director of the Pam Grier gladiator epic The Arena) Carver's direction may be workman-like at best and the film has very little in the way of plot or character development but it more than makes up for its faults by utilising a top notch cast (how big Rog managed to secure so many 'real' actors is still a mystery to me) and then getting them to unashamedly strip butt naked at the drop of a hat.

Dickinson (who caused a wee bit of a scandal at the time by daring to do nude scenes at the age of 43) is fantastic in the title role, playing the part of the honest to goodness mother hen to her daughters with balls of steel to perfection and is ably assisted by Skerritt and Shatner with both actors giving their all to what is effectively a schlocky crime flick with breasts and arses (some of them even belonging to ladies) plenty.

Shatner especially seems to think he's appearing in King Lear, oblivious to the trashy campness that surrounds him which makes his arch performance as bankrupt perv William J. Baxter such a joy to behold.

She can see you naked.

Full of his typical charm and intensity; Bill hits a career best with a performance to rival his role as evil racist Adam Cramer in The Intruder (another Corman quickie) and proves once again why we love him so much.

At the other end of the scale Tom Skerritt is his usual serious self, underplaying the nice but dim Fred to perfection.

Dickinson: Cheap as chips.

Big Bad Momma is a must for any Corman devotee, Shatner worshipper and anyone with a thing for the slightly more mature lady. The film delivers on its promise of lashings of sex and violence plus the chance to experience Captain Kirk stark bollok naked.

What's not to like?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

as i always suspected....


So now you know.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Like some wee 14 year old Ned/Chav bitch caught by the polis and sentenced to stay at home I've started to tag the Arena (finally) so it should be easier to find stuff.


But with tags like nekkid, Barrowman and dwarves it may not's work in progress so forgive any hiccups.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

philippines phinest phemale phighters.....

.....of the super heroine kind.

It's amazing what you come across when you're not looking....Been desperately searching the world wide intraweb for a copy of Electrika Kasi- the surprise Filipino Sci-Fi hit of 1977.


The movie which stars the gravity defying, ample thighed Trixia Gomez in the title role has a really nice poster reminiscent (in my deranged mind anyhow) of DC'S 80's crossover classic Crisis on Infinite Earths so I was intrigued to see it.


Unfortunately my search for Electrika came to nothing, but I did discover that someone had actually made a film version of that other great Filipino comic character, ZsaZsa Zaturnnah's adventures.


For those of you unfamiliar with ZsaZsa Zaturnnah the background goes something like this:

Ada, a gay stylist and beauty salon owner in a rural province somewhere in the Philippines finds their life transformed when a mysterious melon-sized stone falls from space and lands in his bath.

Examining the stone, Ada discovers that he can use its unique powers to transform himself into a large breasted Amazonian redhead, whom he calls ZsaZsa.

How fantastic does that sound? Chuck in a few midgets and it could be the greatest movie ever!

Check out the trailer and judge for yourself:

Ladies and gentlemen, the search is on.....

Monday, March 10, 2008

(half) wit and wisdom (teeth).

What's Good for the Goose (AKA Girl Trouble, What's Good for the Gander, 1969)
Dir: Menahem Golan
Cast: Norman Wisdom, Sally Geeson, Sarah Atkinson, Sally Bazely, Terence Alexander.

Norm gets a gobble.

When I was a small boy most of my weekends were spent sleeping over at my grandparents with Saturday nights consisting of sitting up late with my granddad on the sofa watching the black and white Universal horror double bill on BBC 2 whilst sipping hot chocolate.

Ahhhh those days were fab!

It was one of those weekend afternoons that I first came across this movie, my nan, being a Norman Wisdom fan had decided to watch it (believe it or not she's on first name terms with Brucie and, gulp, Max Bygraves-perhaps that's where my comedy genes come from-who knows). Sitting there playing with my Mego Star Trek figures behind the sofa I was dragged kicking and screaming into a world of swinging, drugs and a comedy legends saggy arse.

So, when I stumbled across this gem on DVD I knew I had to face my fears....

This is my survivors story.

Short arsed, slack haired merchant banker Timothy Bartlett (Wisdom) finds his life in a deep dark rut, he hates his job, his busy (and busty) wife Margaret (Sally Bazely) ignores him and he feels his life has passed him by.

Insert cock here.

All that changes tho' when his boss is taken ill leaving Timothy as the only person that can take his place at a high powered seaside conference for important banking types.

Driving down to Southport (or is it up?), Timbo gives a lift to a couple of girlie hitch-hikers, the raven haired, button nosed Nikki (top 60's strumpet Geeson) and her best friend Meg (the not as strumpety, more mumsy Atkinson).

The girls take pity on Tim, seeing him as a wild spirit that needs set free, so decide to introduce him to the way out 1960's psychedelic world of groovy discotheques, dodgy drugs, free love, top pop combo The Pretty Things (man) and (for the love of God no) skinny dipping.

Geeson: You would, twice. Even tho' you may be
thinking of her sister in Inseminoid.

Timothy finds his true self and experiences joys and passions he'd never imagined before...but everything starts to go wrong when he finds himself falling in love with Nikki.

Geeson attempts open heart surgery
on Sir Norm.

I always reckon that if it's your dream to make a serious film about human relationships, mid-life fears and one mans breakdown you could do worse than watch this movie for inspiration.

I mean, when you think of films like Love Story, Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie Choice you have to admit that the one thing they all lack (and it's one thing that makes them lesser movies) is a barrage of jokes so awful even Talbot Rothwell would baulk at the thought of using them and a sweaty comedy star mugging their way thru' the lead role.

Wisdom: Nipples like bullets.

If there's ever a point in time where the British film industry began to collapse in on itself it's with the release of this movie. From here on in Holiday on the Buses, Carry On Emanuelle and Cannon and Ball's The Boys in Blue beckon...

Wisdom must take the majority of the blame tho' seeing as not only does he headline but he co-wrote and produced what appears to be nothing more than an excuse for him to get his kit off, smoke crack and fondle young ladies breasts for our viewing pleasures. It's like an ITV sitcom version of The Bad Lieutenant but one where it's the audience violated rather than a nun.

How long before Photobucket
pull Sir Normans Arse?

The weirdest thing about the film tho' must be seeing Menahem Golan actually directing a movie rather than producing cut price shite and using the majority of the investors cash to run guns into world trouble spots (strange but true).

Golan who later went on to form Cannon Films, makers of such classics as Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Tobe Hooper's Invaders from Mars remake (plus bankrolling most of his 80's output-says a lot really) has the directing style of a low rent Richard (Hard Days Night, the other Superman II) Lester but without any of that that directors deft comedy touch, relying on hand cranked comedy chases, Sally Geeson's (undoubtedly nice I'll grant you) breasts and groovy (if it were 1966) crash zoom cum lava lamp effects.

That's your mum that is.

Even by the worst 60's 'yoof' film standards the characters are mere cyphers. Nikki and Meg are feeble cardboard cut out wank fantasies for podgy, middle age men everywhere (I'm just surprised that they don't shag each other during the film seeing as that's the only free love cliche missing) and their characterizations consist of thus:

Nikki: cute, dark hair, sometimes pigtailed, smokes pot, sleeps under piers, shags men.

Meg: Blonde, leggy, smokes pot, sleeps under piers, shags men.

Some 60's swingers yesterday.

Sally Bazely as Norman's wife fairs no better, veering wildly from frigid ice queen to overly affectionate MILF without rhyme nor reason. Her character is just there and never changes throughout the entire movie; after all the drugs and shagging she turns up for the films final third when the 'plot' takes on a bizarre twist revolving around Timothy's attempts to persuade his wife to stop wearing curlers and flouncy 'baby doll' nighties to bed and maybe dress a wee bit more like a tart.... She never even finds out about his affair.

Just when you think the film is going to say something deep or reflect on Wisdom's characters predicament someone drops their trousers or falls over.

"Fist in mah mooth".

It's bizarre to think that after the burlesque joy of The Night They Raided Minsky's that Sir Norm decided to make a lowbrow poverty row sex comedy for no reason it seems other than to take advantage of the UK's newly-relaxed cinema censorship laws and to give himself a chance to ogle some young, firm tottie.

Nice work if you can get it tho'.

Luckily (for him) Wisdom's Dementia means he's now likely to have forgotten ever making this debacle tho' for the rest of us it will remain burned onto our memories forever.

toys i still have...

....boxed in my cupboard.

The MB Games (Milton and Bradley) Starbird set.


The Starbird Intruder and Interceptor can be used in conjunction with one another for a kinda retro style 'laser tag' game! Just the thing for when the podlings are in bed.

the dark knight unmasked!


Thursday, March 6, 2008

when science goes bad.

another of those ker-razee Italian horror comics for your reading pleasure.....

This time prepare to fill your trousers at....Terror Blu!!


Somewhere in sunny Norway an ample thighed
maiden in woolly stockings suddenly finds herself hurtling skywards....

A friendly copper tries to bring her down to earth
with a handy boathook but the sight of her ample
bouncing buttocks is enough to spoil his aim...

The unfortunate girl ends up floating off into
space to face a cold and lonely death.

Suddenly the whole of Norway is suffering gravity problems
with young and old either floating off into the
stratosphere or being crushed like grapes.

The reason for all this mad science?
A bored and frisky octopus has stumbled across an old
gravity defying machine at the
bottom of the sea.

This diabolical machine was invented by a mental Nazi scientist called
Eric Von Baldrach, and our dynamic duo (and stories heroes)
Jorge and Hilse are searching for it.
They happen across not only a portable version of the device
but Von Baldrach's diary, explaining how he and his
lover would use it for kinky sex games.
Hilse decides to give it a shot!

She's really an evil neo-Nazi hellbent on creating a
new world order of bizarre gravity and stuff so she crushes
Jorge's head before disappearing with the weapon.

Earth is doomed.

The End.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

top tennant.

Well I know what Cassidy is getting for his birthday.....


Well that and SS Experiment Camp of course.

barmy brazier.

For your enjoyment his bill to tackle video violence can be found in full here.

"How many killings?"

Don't forget to leave a message and tell him who sent you.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

mum's the word.

A little something to celebrate Mothers Day, the top ten movie mums.



10. Sarah Connor (The Terminator).


9. Mrs. Bates (Psycho).


8. The Mother of Sighs (Suspiria).


7. The Alien Queen (Aliens).


6. Joan Crawford (as portrayed by Faye
Dunaway in Mommie Dearest).


5. Beverly R. Sutphin (Serial Mom).


4. Marge Simpson (The Simpsons Movie)


3. Marietta Fortune (Wild at Heart).


2. Peg Boggs (Edward Scissorhands).


1. Pamela Voorhees (Friday the 13th).