Tuesday, January 13, 2009

smash it up.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)
Dir: Milko Davis
Cast: Richard Grieco, Gary Sirchia, Laura Zoe Quist, Elijah Murphy, Thomas Martwick, Laura Clemens, Amanda Scheutzow and J.C. Austin

"Eye son".

It's the end of the world as we know it, nasty nuclear weapons have put paid to most of humanity (save ex Teen Agent Richard Grieco and a handful of straight to video ne'er-do-wells) and, if that wasn't enough a particularly virulent man-made virus called Agent 9-X has turned a huge number of the survivors into pasty faced zombies.

Spooky or what?

Luckily for us 'norms' the zombie hordes are all stuck behind a huge wall in a designated quarantine zone where they can't get up to any mischief.

Or can they?

"Suckle on my hairless man breasts sinner!".

Everything seems to be coasting along OK in this post weary, apocalyptic world until one day brainy boffin Dr. Wells (who seems to be on a top secret mission to drop soot on the undead) is shot down behind enemy lines by a chino wearing, skull-faced zombie wielding a crossbow.

No, seriously.

This is particularly bad news for the rag tag group of survivor at the nearby military base as they desperately need to have a wee chat with Dr. Wells (ex-tough guy soldier turned actor Murphy in case you were wondering) seeing as he's the only scientist with any chance of discovering a cure for this zombie plague.

But ain't that always the way in these movies?

Within minutes of the good doctor and his lovely assistant Stephanie (Scheutzow...bless you) stumbling drunkenly from the helicopters wreckage the pair find themselves face to putrefying face with the evil zombie madman Colonel Crow (Martwick) who drags them back to his secret fortress.

It seems that the Colonel hasn't let a little thing like death put paid to his military career and he's spent the last several years training the local undead in the art of warfare and plans to breach the walls of the survivors complex and wipe them all out.

But not before he tries his undead seduction techniques on poor old Stephanie.

Do you think he ate her whole?

Back at human central, mad as a lorry scientist Lewis (the poor man's Lou Diamond Phillips, Grieco) reckons that the infamously wayward rebel marine captain and former comrade of Crow, Dewey Crenshaw (Sirchia, looking for all the world like a camper Barry Bostwick if that's at all possible) is the only man who can rescue Wells and sexy Steph.

The only problem is that he's in prison for 'war crimes' and will only take on the mission if he can choose his own team.

No surprise that everyone agrees to his terms so without so much as a change of pants, Crenshaw has gathered together a group of his pals (including the oh so cutesome Quist and some other, less attractive folk) to head over the wall, rescue the scientist and his by now, zombie cock obsessed assistant and, just because it'll be convenient whilst they're there, shoot Crow in the face before he shags anyone else.

The incredibly sexy and talented Quist is by
far the best thing in this movie.

(I should mention that
she also reads this blog).

Little do they know that Crow is almost ready to march on the remanents of humanity and finish the war once and for all.

And there's the little matter of a spare dimensional portal knocking about that he wants to use to breach the survivors defences with that needs dealing with too.

Oh, and he's horny for more hot (by hot I mean breathing) ladies to impregnate with his evil zombie sperm.

No doubt he'll want revenge on Crenshaw too.

He's either gonna be dead busy, or this movie is gonna get really confusing causing the viewer to lose interest and pop Army of Darkness on instead.

"Did you get me a Drifter?"

Mighty Milko Davis, the man responsible the terrifying special effects in the Seduction Cinema classic Dracula's Dirty Daughter, as well as the voice of The Carnivore in that hilarious SciFi comedy Star Warp'd makes his directorial debut with this haphazard riff on Mad Max and Escape from New York via big George Romero's entire zombie back catalogue with a plot so surprisingly packed with ideas and twists that it's like watching about a dozen movies rolled into one.

Pity none of them are that good tho'.

"The pen may be mightier than the sword
but this'll go further up your arse!""

Saying that, the cast do their best to rise above the mish-mash of concepts on show, especially the fantastic Quist (meow) and the b-movie god that is Grieco, proving once and for all that his alimony bill must be huge.

And it's great to finally see a tasteful zombie sex scene.

It's no Nightmare City, but then again what is? Tho' it is about a thousand times more entertaining than 28 Days Later.

And if that isn't damning with faint praise I don't know what is.

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