Wednesday, January 7, 2009

titty bang bang.

As some of you may be aware, I was away visiting the Fatherland a few months back which gave me a chance to catch up with the infamous Jay Bridle, he of the Mad Foxes/masturbation story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both THAT old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).


This got me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of the Foxes that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.

My friends, I may have found it.

In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.

Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.

On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.

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Mr. B: He likes 'the films'.



Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Bloodied Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994)
Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, Lawrence Ng and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.

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Sickest thing about this is the colour scheme.




Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less Jewish equivalent of Evan Almighty's Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it, not only did his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, meaning that he's spent his entire life running around after her and his sweaty dad rather than look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.

Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.

But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums.

Aw da poor wee (sick) lamb.

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One of these men is a masturbation obsessed pervert
with necrophiliac tendencies....
the other is Chinese superstar
Lawrence Ng.


It'll come as no shock then, to discover that the movie opens with poor Hsiong (bless you) banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.

Being the unlucky sod that he is, this and further attempts (utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc) all lead to nowt, so after pausing to bite off a policeman's ear, Hsiong decides to confess to whatever crimes he's been locked up for in the first place.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we'll begin.
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"Blood in mah mooth!"


Good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effects transport us to Hsiong's bedroom at home, where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.

Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.

I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.

Well don't worry, because he already has.

Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.

So when he's not wanking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.

Whilst cracking one off of course.

The blood's real, it's the rest of him that's fake.


Deciding that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?), Hsiong reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.


Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Hsiong spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.

Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.

It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?

Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Hsiong starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.

Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Hsiong sets off on a quest for breast.

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A very different type of 'cracking one off'.


Obviously when he finds a nice pair there's the tiny problem of the baby that's attached to them enjoying lunch. Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched leaving Hsiong free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering then raping his victims (and yes, it's in that order).


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"Are you the farmer?"

Cashing in on the success of the HK Herschell Gordon himself, Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong), Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own (tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself).



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violence against women and children so here's a
picture of some bint seducing a dog.


Full of classic scenes and quality 'comedy' turns (mainly from the cliched fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers). The film's detective duo steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners, administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.

Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Hsiong's sperm from one of his victims arses (in glorious close-up), they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.


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Hat.


So if you and your loved ones fancy a night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide and a wee bit of incestuous perving (but don't want to wake the kids) then this is the film for you.

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