It's 23rd November and what better way to celebrate the birthday of THE greatest TeeVee show of all time than revisiting this classic spin-off.
Unless you're one of the few folk who read this review back in 2007 in which case enjoy again.
Abducted By The Daleks (AKA Abducted by The Daloids, 2005)
Dir: Don Skaro.
Cast: Eliza Borecka, Sonja Karina, Linda Black, Maria Vaslova and The Daleks.
It's a cold wet night in November and a banged up and rusty Ford Fiesta is trundling down a deserted country lane.
Tho' to be honest it's not as banged up or used looking as the occupants.
And what of those occupants?
Please welcome our 'young' (well, younger than your nan) leads, a freaky foursome of plastic of tit and very harsh of face Eastern European women heading home after a hard days work letting Soho media types spunk in their hair for coppers.
Tragedy strikes tho' when they run over an extraterrestrial being who - to all intents and purposes was out for a stroll and minding his own business - smudging their lipstick and totaling the motor in the process.
So far so Torchwood.
If that wasn't enough to put a downer on the evening (the crash I mean not comparing the whole thing to everyone's favourite Who spin-off) it turns out that the woods our crack whore heroines have found themselves in are said to be the hunting ground of a particularly mental murderer type bloke and ex member of The Streets, the amusingly monikered 'Serial Skinner'.
Being girls, they decide that the best course of action would be to abandon the relative safety of the car and wander around in the darkened woods and look for help.
Or a way back home to Poland if they're lucky.
Whilst skulking about in the bushes (armed with a handy torch) one of our foxy foursome trips over some roots, twisting her ankle and loses her clothes in the process.
But things are about to turn sinister tho' for watching the scene from space are the dreaded Daleks, bubbling lumps of hate trapped inside ponded polycarbide war machines and determined to exterminate all inferior life forms.
Using a Trans-Mat beam (cunningly disguised as a mid eighties Top of the Pops effect) they transport the injured woman aboard their spacecraft.
Spookily she doesn't seem to notice as she continues to crouch down and rub her ankle whilst the Daleks glide menacingly round her.
It appears that the Daleks are kidnapping humans to examine and study in preparation for an invasion of Earth.
Which, if I'm honest is quite lucky seeing as it means that Who fans - sorry 'enthusiasts' - can make it a semi-official prequel to The Dalek Invasion of Earth and therefore not worry about whether it's 'canon' or not and just enjoy furiously masturbating over the home-made casings on show.
Luckily one of the girls (the least chiseled one) volunteers to look for their pal, meaning the other pair can happily indulge in the uncomfortable (for them and us) stroking of each others harsh, cold bodies.
See? everyone's a winner in this film.
Fortunately (for us) these sexy shenanigans are cut short when they too are trans-matted aboard the Dalek ship ready to be experimented on.
These experiments by the way appear to consist of sticking two of the ladies to the wall with tin foil and cardboard straps whilst a Dalek aimlessly fires balls of yellowy melted cheese at their shoes.
The other captive just lies on a decorating table wiggling her arse.
And grunting like a pig.
Just as you're contemplating slashing your wrists the last lady is brought aboard, but lo and behold it transpires that she's really an evil spandex clad alien in league with the Daleks!
Be honest you didn't see that coming.
Having had enough of their shoes being abused (and possibly getting a sore back from the table) our fearless heroines escape from the torture lab in a blaze of strobe lights, fog and shitey laser effects, only to be gunned down by their evil captors.
One survives (umm...the blonde one) and manages to reverse the T-Mat, returning (naked apart from her hideous shoes) to the woods where she is quickly captured by Albert Steptoe (probably but let's be honest do you really care?)who just happens to be hunting the 'Serial Skinner'.
Albert decides to use her as bait, tying her to a tree and hiding in a bush and waiting - but not alas wanking -) for the Skinner to pounce.
Bound and gagged (yay! no more of that gruff accent) she can only watch on in horror as the Skinner kills old man Steptoe (which is more than we can seeing as it happens off screen) and advance menacingly towards her.
To her - and our - horror she realizes that the infamous Skinner is an evil alien.
And I have to be honest, the creature's reveal is one of the few moments of terror in the whole production, decked out as it is in a red shell suit, sporting what looks like a cheap pound shop turtles mask and armed with a tiny wee pen knife.
I was shaking like a shaky thing as he prepared to skin the girl by drawing on her breasts in lipstick.
For what seems like twenty minutes.
Did I say terrifying?.
Sorry I meant to say utter shite.
Don't worry tho' because just as he goes to put it in her, the Skinner gets beamed aboard the Dalek spaceship 'by mistake' (either that or they fancied a bit of cock for a change) leaving the lady trussed up like a turkey and covered in lippy tied against a tree.
Fade to black, it's a couple of days later and the (still naked and surprisingly even harsher looking) survivor is telling her tale of woe to a couple of nonchalant policemen.
Interestingly one of which looks like Kevin Smith but with a greater acting range.
This is in no way important, it's just that I felt like sharing.
They dismiss her story as utter bollocks but announce that someone has arrived at the station to collect her......
The poor woman looks on in terror as the room is filled with cries of EXTERMINATE!
It appears that some 'critics' have been a tad unkind to this film, so I'd like to say that Don Skaro (possibly not the directors real name) has crafted a sinister yet sexy tale of alien abduction that belies it's low budget, soft core roots.
The performances from the first time cast are top notch, the effects are a wonder to behold and the shocking ending will burn itself onto your memory and haunt you for years to come.
Yes, I'd love to say those things if any of them were true but unfortunately the film is utter shite from start to finish.
But saying that, if you're a fan of bottle bleached, middle aged and stony faced illegally imported European women battling 'the strange robot people from BBC TV's Doctor Who' whilst standing in a hastily tin foiled garage tho' then this is the film for you.
From dizzying shots of the girls buttock skirting hemlines and horrendous market whore shoes to a fantastically half arsed lesbian scene (with visibly giggling ladies) via the bizarro Dalek S & M torture chamber - complete with stolen Star Trek sound effects - the film hits the 'wrong wrong wrong' button so many times it's a wonder it didn't drop off from overuse.
Fair play to the producers tho' who were confident enough that people would purchase this quality product just because it has the Daleks and some pale arsed, silicon enhanced grannies cavorting around in the woods naked in it.
And purchase they did.
This was possibly helped by the outrage shown by that quality newspaper The Sun when it's headline screamed:
"BEEB bosses have gone ballistic after discovering the Daleks are starring in a porn flick!"
I'd pop the link up but the story has since been deleted so you'll have to take my word for it.
We should also give them credit too for actually featuring the Daleks and not some amusingly named vaguely Dalek shaped villain (ala the Alicia Rhodes starrer Dr. Loo and the Phaleks), seeing as most Doctor Who based porn movies (of which there are a few, trust me) appear to think that calling the lead characters time machine the 'TURDIS' is worthy of a Talbot Rothwell 'Carry On' script and enough to keep folk happy.
But compared to a certain Pertwee story that features only three of those infamous meanies, a blonde that flashes her pants at every opportunity and unconvincing green aliens, Abducted By The Daleks is slightly more enjoyable than Day of The Daleks and has a better plot.
Saying that tho' the Adult Channel's very own Doctor Who based porn show from a few years back (cleverly entitled 'Doctor Screw', must have taken hours that one) is a work of utter genius compared to this, a must get a special mention for actually basing a few of it's instalments on actual episodes, for example in a riff of the Paul Cornell classic 'Father's Day', The Doctor travels back in time to 1969 so he can shag his companion Holly's 'swinger' mother.
|Beth Willis' secret shame.|
It loses points tho' for having the tagline 'Shagging his way through time' and having a lead actor (Mark Sloan) with a really crap beard and hair.
But it really doesn't matter what I say, if you're a Doctor Who completest you'll have purchased all of these anyway.
Probably more likely two copies of each; one for best and one for weekends.
I only bought it for review purposes and then only to give as a birthday present when I'd finished.