Saturday, December 31, 2011

have a good one!

Monday, December 26, 2011

sing while your winning.

It's around this time of year that people often ask me - no really - what poptastic tunes I play to get the guests frugging away at the many parties I hold around Christmas and Hogmanay.

Well seeing as it's a time of sharing I thought I'd share my top ten party albums with you dear reader.

An with these, a bag of nuts (salted mind, none of your posh dry roasted rubbish), a few Davenports Party Sevens and a variety of crisps you're guaranteed a good time.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

the festive thing.

water sports for all.

A fairly short review for you now seeing as it's late here and that this has been sitting in a draft limbo for about four months.....

You know, it's a good job only about six folk read this, God help me if I had deadlines to work to or presents to wrap.

Shit...I do.

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers (AKA: Joshikyôei hanrangu, Nihombie 2, Nihonbi 2, Undead Pool. 2006)
Dir: Kôji Kawano
Cast: Mizuka Arai (AKA Chieri Haruyama), Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba,  Ayumu Tokitô and Hidetomo Nishida (There are many more folk too but I just can't be arsed listing them).


Aki (the tres cute-some star of a number of Juicy Honey collectable card sets, Handa) a former 'aqua terrorist' (what? You mean they go around committing atrocities to the strains of Barbie Girl?) has decided to turn over a new leave and give up her exciting international jetset life of crime to enjoy a normal, everyday one as a schoolgirl at a top Japanese school.

Unfortunately Aki's first day is anything but normal, poor lamb.

Not only do her new classmates decide that her welcome party should involve our cutie honey heroine being pushed into the swimming pool whilst still fully clothed (teasing bastards) but just as she's climbed out and dried off there's a sudden and inexplicable outbreak of a particularly virulent virus on campus that makes all those infected start to spew strawberry sauce from every orifice and begin to smell like a zoo.

How's your luck hen?

"Has anybody got any cans of orange juice?"

By one of those strange quirks of fate that only ever happen in 'the movies'  an emergency medical team - consisting of a scarily familiar, to Aki at least, doctor and stern yet shapely thighed nurse - suddenly appear from nowhere to assist the pupils and administer a vaccine.

Which would be good thing really if it didn't appear to make everyone's symptoms oh so slightly worse.

By that I mean that the injection turns everyone into scabby, short skirted flesh eating zombies.

Tho' that works for me.

As luck (and pervy plotting) would have it, Aki soon discovers that the chlorine in the school swimming pool counteracts the effects of the virus, meaning that as long as adorable Aki remains in her tight fitting swimsuit (and stays soaking wet obviously) she's safe from infection.

But probably not from the myriad of spotty youth watching...arms like body-builders after this I assure you. 

Doing what anyone would do in this situation, Aki persuades the (mostly attractive) school swimteam to suit up and hose down ready for battle against not only the every increasing army of the undead but also her musically minded former boss and mentor who has cunningly disguised himself (well, he's wearing a lab coat) as the 'friendly' doctor helping the infected.

You see, it turns out that the virus is all his doing but this is only part of his sick scheme.

A sick scheme that also involves touching the smooth and milky white genital area of as many young girls as possible.

Whilst playing a flute.

Dirty bugger/lucky sod (delete as applicable).

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rushing headlong into battle against the evil doctor, Aki (not too surprisingly, we're only thirty minutes in) and her soggy sisters get a damn good beating, leaving our heroine lying vacant eyed in a pool of blood ready to be muched on by any passing zombie.

Fear not tho' dear readers, as Aki is bravely rescued by her shy (well up till this point) new best friend Sayaka (former Bukkake star Yuria Hidaka) and, in an act of kidness that will bring tears to viewers everywhere, nursed back to health with a mixture of noodle soup and having her breasts gently rubbed by Sayaka.

How sweet is that?

No need.

Laugh all you want because it seems to do the trick as in no time at all Aki is sitting up in bed and sharing her sad tale of life as a killer for hire whilst fastening the buttons on her flimsy white school shirt, the material straining to contain her honey dew breasts.


What follows is quite possibly the greatest fusion of dodgily translated subtitles, inappropriate incidental music and meaningful montage sequences ever committed to celluloid, featuring as it does slo-mo shots of Aki firing a machine gun whilst wearing a bikini, popping a butterfly knife into her pants, doing sweaty push ups with what looks like an orange in her mouth and sitting around topless looking bored.

Sheer genius.

"I've found the cars keys!"

The whole sorry tale is too much for the sensitive Sayaka who, with tears in her eyes reacts the only way she can.

And that's by stripping herself and Aki naked save their tiny pleated kilts before indulging in a totally realistic and completely essential to the plot lesbian sexy scene whilst moaning loudly.

And biting her lip at the point of orgasm.

Photobucket removed the scan of the lesbian sex scene so here's a naked blood soaked Japanese schoolgirl (with her nipples covered of course)

Ready for battle (and probably another lie down) Aki is set to face her nemesis one final time.

Will she emerge triumphant?

And, most importantly will she be naked?

Who let the dogs out?

Kôji Kawano, director of the classic teen lesbian drama Love My Life and the soya-based shocker Cruel Restaurant appears to have knocked out this lo-fi sleaze epic in a few hours between bouts of online gaming and frantic masturbation sessions, seeing as it consists solely of cheap gore and violence, random bouts of nudity and an abundance of soft core lesbianism aimed fairly and squarely at the 'I've never seen a lady naked except my mum' demograph.

Which frankly is a public service that must be applauded.

By no means perfect, it would be churlish (and a wee bit geeky) to point out this movies flaws and weaknesses when your average viewer is only watching for a glimpse of the square faced, hamster cheeked dream girl Sasa Handa's frankly stunning breasts.

So I wont.

Handa: Chinny Rackon.

Running at just under eighty minutes and just like your younger sisters pal that you get drunk and fiddle with occasionally when your between girlfriends, it never outstays it's welcome and the budget, although lower than John Leslie at Crufts is enough to make sure that things never looks too cheap (unlike the terrifyingly elongated faced Ayumu Tokitô who spends most of her sexy scenes looking like a bulldog licking piss off John Nettles), wildly throwing ever more bizarre characters and situations at the screen hoping at least a few will stick and cover the cracks.

Ayumu Tokitô: she'll even turn the milk chocolaty.


Fire breathing zombies?

A flute playing pervert in a lab coat?


And a heroine with a deadly laser beam built into her vagina?

It has all this and more.

Well I say more but in reality is has all this plus a copious amount of panty shots.

And breasts.

Lots of breasts.

Go on, you know you want to.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

when cosplay goes bad part 28.

The Christmas party special.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

bad dad mags (part one).

Friday, December 9, 2011

hal to pay.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Not one to plug stuff (unless it's my own work obviously) but felt I had to share seeing as this is one of the best mockumentary movies I've ever seen.

Tony Kern's Haunted Changi (reviewed way back here) could be Likened to one of those seldom repeated Christmas ghost stories of old so loved by the BBC or a particularly gruesome episode of Tales of The Unexpected, it builds slowly yet creepily towards it's shock climax, a lean mean tale of caution that works not only as a ghost story but also as a modern equivalent of an old fashioned folk tale akin to Hansel and Gretal.

Still trying to get a UK distribution deal (shame on the company that knocked it back, you know who you are) it's just been announced that readers in the US can now view this Singapore shocker for a limited time nationwide On Demand via cable, satellite and telco operators.


You should be.

Check the Haunted Changi Facebook page for more details or visit the official website here.

End of plug.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

seperated at birth?

Another of the tenuous celebs who look like something posts I occasionally do when bored and this time it's the light entertainment equivalent of Luke and Leia.

Scary eh?

Monday, December 5, 2011


Those lovely folk at High Rising Productions have been hard at work bringing the definitive guide to grindhouse cinema to the owe it to them (and your kids) to check it out.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

november stiffs.

It's the time of the month where we mourn those Unwell faves that are raving in graves.

So without further ado.

November after not only spawning a monster, saw the passing of Leonard Stone, best known for his portrayal of Sam Beauregarde, the father of Golden Ticket winner Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

Spanish film actor Antonio Molino Rojo, probably most recognisable for his roles in A Fistful of Dollars (1964), For a Few Dollars More, (1965) and the The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

Munchy Margaret Field, mother of uber-milf Sally Field and star of such classics as The Man from Planet X and Captive Women.

American adult film star and sdisco diva Andrea True (AKA Inger Kissin, Singe Low, Sandra Lips, Andrea Travis and Catherine Warren), best known for the disco hit "More, More, More", released in 1976, which reached No. 5 in the UK Singles Charts in 1976.

Last month also saw the deaths of Hong Kong movie star Ricky Hui Koon-Ying who alongside his brothers, Michael and Sam, appeared in several comedy blockbusters in the '70s and '80s including The Lizard (1972), The 14 Amazons (1972), The Sugar Daddies (1973) and The Generation Gap (1973) as well as Karl Slover, one of the last surviving Munchkins.

Baron Munchausen himself, the British-born Canadian based actor John Neville.

Michal Friedman, American voice actress and singer best known for Mobile Suit Gundam Unicorn, , Samurai Deeper Kyo and X Men.

From the world of 'the cartoon', British animator, television and film producer Mark Hall, most famous for bringing us Danger Mouse, Count Duckula, the animated segments on the Doctor Who: The Invasion DVD and the full length The Wind in the Willows movie passed away as did Zdeněk Miler, the Czech animator and illustrator best known for his Mole (Krtek) character.

And finally it was said to see the death of The Arena's unofficial granddad and favourite British film maker the wonderful Ken Russell.

And I'd like to leave you with a quote from his letter to the British censor at the time re: The Devils "Dear John: I have cleaned up the shit from the altar and cut the orgy in half". 

Godspeed sir!