Sunday, May 6, 2012

sin excess.

The Devil Inside (2011).
Dir: William Brent Bell.
Cast: Suzan Crowley, Fernanda Andrade, Evan Helmuth, Ionut Grama, Simon Quarterman, Bonnie Morgan and the Devil.





The Vatican did not endorse this film because it's pure evil. It probably talks about the devil and it's evil ways as he was a good person. Boycott this movie. If you see it you are doomed. - Some sad man on IMDB.



It's October 30, 1989 and fright eyed, shock haired Maria Rossi (Grange Hill's Ms. Soames herself, Crowley), as anyone would do in this situation, has just murdered the two Catholic priests and obligatory Nun that were attempting to perform an exorcism on her.

Which is a shame if I'm honest seeing as they were only trying to help, I mean it's not like they fucked her kids or anything.

Which in hindsight would probably have made the film a wee bit more realistic but I digress.

The Catholic Church are obviously none too pleased with these events so quickly spirit Maria away to a Vatican approved psychiatric hospital (where the staff all have American accents) somewhere in Rome.



"We'll have nun of that!"

Jump forward twenty years and Maria's daughter Isabella (Confessions of a Teen Idol producer Andrade channelling Summer Glau), alongside the frighteningly ferret like Michael (anagramical actor and Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave extra Ionut Grama) is hard at work making a documentary about exorcisms in the hope of understanding a little more about her (officially) mentalist mothers case.

As you can probably guess this involves a trip to Rome to visit the special Vatican sanctioned school of exorcism and kiddy fiddling.

It's whilst attending a lecture there that our heroine comes across a couple of groovy priests, Dominic Keating alike Ben (Holby City's Quarterman) and the ball headed David (MechWarrior 4: Vengeance voice actor and junior Frank Black Helmuth) who it transpires have both been performing illegal exorcisms for people in need.

Which is kinda lucky.

The dog collared duo offer to take Isabella along with them to an exorcism that they're going to perform on the terrifyingly twisted (both physically and mentally) Rosalita D'Evilsplaygrounde (contortionist Morgan, best known for being a hot redhead and playing the lead beast in JT Petty's magnificent The Burrowers).

Isabella, obviously excited at the thought of seeing a young teen girl tied to a bed and covered in piss and shit in someone's basement immediately says yes and heads to the car.

Morgan: Spiced.



The Catholic crew, having already determined that it's a case of real possession rather than bad period pains or something so are all set to get Holy on her arse and as Michael sets up his camera we're treated to ten minutes of saucy, cock based remarks, a wee bit of wall climbing and finally some bloodied piss before the devilish dame spookily shouts out for Isabella, despite having no knowledge of her.

Creepy.

Eventually tho' our heroes manage to expel the demon before returning home to celebrate with a Cuppasoup and a communion wafer.

Yum.



"The power of Christ compels you to shite in man mooth!"


Deciding that she can't put it off any longer Isabella finally goes to visit her Momma Maria in the asylum, where she finds that not only can her mum speak in a variety of comedy accents that would put Bobby Davro to shame but has also become proficient at painting religious iconography over the walls in her own shite.

Which is certain to break the ice at parties.

But that's not all, for it appears that she can also read minds, telling Isabella off for having a secret abortion (look my career was just taking off and I didn't want to be tied down ok?) before letting rip an ear-shattering scream.

Returning to her hotel and no doubt hoping to see her mother in the same S and M style situation as Rosalita, Isabella askes David and Ben if they'd like to try their powers on an old lady for a change and Ben, obviously being up for a bit of saucy MiLF action (he looks the type) agrees.

But as the Papal posse prepares to perform the exorcism David begins to have second thoughts, worrying about losing his job and if he really should have eaten that last doughnut.

Well it's too late for weighty worry now seeing as it's almost exorcism time.

"Yes it was me....I did indeed eat all the pies".



Heading back to the hospital our Godly gang have hardly time to get their holy water bottles open when Maria starts accusing Ben of bad things and harping on about Isabella's dead baby before breaking free of bonds and, with one punch sending Ben flying across the room and twisting David's nipple.

It's not too surprising then when the hospital staff run in and chuck this 30 something Scooby gang out on their ear.

Bruised, beaten but back home safe Ben carefully analyses the video and audio files they recorded that night in the hope of having enough evidence to convince the Church that an exorcism is needed whilst poor David sits in his room dribbling and crying like a depressed bouncy castle.

Playing the audio files over and over (whilst no doubt looking at nun porn), Ben notices that when Maria was shouting "I know what you did" at her daughter that there are, in fact four different voices speaking in unison.

Ergo, . four different demons.

Which is a surprise to say the least.

Davro: Terrifying things.


The next morning David, in an attempt to cheer himself up, offers to is to perform a baptism at his local church and Michael, desperate to make some extra cash, tags along to record it.

The service starts without incident or too many dodgy short skirts and fake tans, until that is David starts muttering some Biblical shite and tries to drown the baby in the holy water.

The parents, after making sure that Michael has got the footage on tape - well that is £200 on You've Been Framed -  save the baby as dangerous Dave passes out in the pews.

The should count themselves lucky tho' that he didn't do what any normal priest would do and try fucking it instead.

Buying a second hand sex doll off Ebay had it's drawbacks.



Returning home after a hard days praying Ben finds David sitting in his room covered in blood and egg with his eyes rolled back into his bulbous head.

Not noticing any difference he begins to make supper only to be interupted when the local (American) police turn up to arrest our portly pal.

In the ensuing struggle David somehow acquires an officer's gun and decides to hold himself hostage with the barrel place firmly in his kissy lipped mouth leaving Ben to try and calm him down in the vain hope of preventing a mess on the new wallpaper.

With all this kerfuffle going on David starts crying and reciting The Lord's Prayer before giggling like a loon and shooting himself.

And if that wasn't enough, Isabella starts to spew blood before fainting.

"I love you....could it be magic?"


Taking her to the hospital (but not alas up the casino) Ben is suddenly hit by the realisation that Maria's demons are jumping ship and possessing anyone they come into contact with, David first and now Isabella, his fears confirmed when dozens of hospital staff run into Isabella's room screaming something about a bendy mentalist stabbing a nurse.

In the confusion Ben and Michael drag Isabella into the hallway and dose her full of sleepy drugs in order to take her to see a proper exorcist.

Oh right, so now Ben admits he's only an amateur.

Leaving with Isabella dumped in the back of a car, Ben comforts her while Michael sweatily drives but Isabella awakes, taunting Ben about all the horrible things he's done before attempting to strangle Michael.

Ben attempts to beat her off (saucy) but not before Isabella has (laughingly) breathed all over Michael causing him to lose control of the car.

Oh yeah and become possessed.

Will our heroes make it to the church on time?

Will Isabella possess the world?

Or will the screen suddenly turn black as car crash sound effects are played before a caption appears saying 'Find out what happened next at www.therossifiles.com ?

There's no way a director would ever pull something as shite as that would there?



Well you have to hand it to director William Brent Bell, you've got to have balls as big as Bristol to even consider releasing something as horrendously bad as this on the viewing public without fear of a kicking.

And to release a movie without an ending and expect folk to not be a little pissed off at having to find out what happens online is either the height of arrogance or the first sign of mental illness.

But then what do you expect from the guy who made Stay Alive, that 2006 Frankie Muniz starring shitefest that mixed video games and Elizabeth Bathory into one big steaming pile of PG rated cinematic slop?

The acting is almost non existent, the direction is cack handed at best and the plot for what there is of it, is as thin as lead 'actress' Fernanda Andrade's almost anorexic legs.

Need I go on?

Probably not but I should at least mention the fantastically crap photoshopping in the flashback photo scenes, they couldn't have been any worse if they'd given a pair of blunt scissors and Prit-stik to a hook handed child and just let him go crazy.

Sod that they should have let him write and direct the thing as well.

I mean it couldn't be any worse.

Avoid like your uncles cock.

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