Saturday, October 13, 2018

maiden taiwan.

With a bare-bones PC at my disposal I'm racing against the clock (and good taste) to catch up with this whole 31 Days of Horror thing - not that anyone gives a fuck - and after a scary Japanasty yesterday it's time for a terrifying Taiwanese take today, where a nutty scientist has created yet another frankly loopy virus that turns folk into zombies.

And guess what?

Yup, it's gotten loose.

Welcome to the - slightly - sexist world of...

Zombie 108 (2012).
Dir: Joe Chien.
Cast: Yvonne Yao, Morris Rong, Tai Bo, Jack Kao, Sona Eyambe, Chien Jen Hao, Chloe Lin, Dennis To and loads of other folk.

“I regret that I didn’t screw you to death.”

Bullet nippled and obscenely short shorts wearing young mum, Linda (Yao, who I'm assuming is the directors girlfriend ) wakes from a terrible - off screen - car crash to find her husband lying unconscious with a steering wheel stuck in his head and their small daughter, Chloe (Lin who's either a real child in her first film role or a well preserved dwarf), missing from the back seat.

Crikey, talk about starting with a drama.

She frantically (and very sweatily) begins to search the desolate streets before seemingly giving up and heading into a supermarket to steal some water.

Well, in the middle of a disaster you have to get your priorities right.

Sauntering around the fancy goods department on the look out for a new broom our  hot panted heroine comes across (not literally tho' maybe later) a sight that will haunt her nightmares for, oooh, minutes after.

It appears that the entire staff have turned into flesh eating zombies and are currently busy munching on the customers.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Watch out watch out Nancy Lam's about!

Barely managing to flee the building with her life (or at the very least still fully clothed), Linda spends the next ten minutes dodging the undead and hoping her tits don't pop out before spotting Chloe on a street corner (they start them young in Taiwan) about to get eaten.

Racing across the road to grab her daughter she's surprised when a car veers in front of the pair and the driver beckons them in.

Quickly evading the mumbling monsters mum and daughter jump aboard, which would be all well and good if the inside wasn't decorated with hundreds of pictures of nude ladies.

Or the seats covered in spunk.

Linda quickly realizes that she has inadvertently stumbled into something much worse than the approaching zombie hordes.

And far more terrifying than Sir Jimmy Savile's camper van.

"I'm a wanderer, and always have been, so I love motor-homes and especially shagging in them. Sometimes I get home, check my post, shower and then shag a wean in the camper van outside!"

Smoothly jumping back a few hours to before these events unfolded - via the wonders of CGI and a heavy rock score - we're in the Taiwanese equivalent of Barry Noble's Astoria in Nottingham where business is looking good and the place is packed with drunken westerners, caged topless dancers and lots of folk in open necked white nylon shirts frugging away to Taiwan's answer to Black Lace.


In charge of the club (and the whole Ximen district) is the lard lovin' drug lord Susan (Rong, the far east's answer to Jono Coleman), aided and abetted by his motley gang of heavily armed bad boys.

Unbeknownst to the lardy one tho,' the local SWAT team are in the area with orders to evacuate the whole city due to the aforementioned scientist accidentally letting his virus loose.

It seems he mistook the test tube for a vial of KY jelly only realizing his mistake when his cock tried to bite him mid wank.

Not that Susan gives a damn about this seeing as he's currently cracked off his tits and surround by a bevvy of butt naked barely legal babes.

Do you think they'll eat her whole or will they spit that bit out?

Mistaking the police presence for a raid (which is another film entirely) Susan's boys unleash their massive weapons spraying death and destruction in the faces of the hapless cops before realizing the true enemy are the boys in blue, but those pesky extras painted green.

Quickly putting their differences aside the survivors must work together if they have any hope of making it thru' the night.

But the merry band are low on ammo and if that wasn't enough the token females are all dressed in spangly pants, bra tops and high heels which aren't the best things to be wearing in the middle of a zombie invasion.

Saying that tho' the director doesn't seem to mind as every other shot seems to be a crash zoom down someones cleavage.

Which I must admit is nice but does tend to destroy the scary ambiance somewhat. 

"I'm sorry, I have my woman’s period!"

Meanwhile poor Linda and her daughter (remember them?) are being held captive by the guy (Jen Hao looking for all the world like Matt Lucas in drag) who 'rescued' them earlier, turns out that he's a sex crazed, bacon obsessed rapist who's using the current state of city-wide panic to abduct young girls, chain them up in his basement and bugger them senseless whilst humming show tunes.

OK I made the last bit up but frankly nothing would surprise me by this point.

Cue a story stopping 20 odd minutes of full on rape action, made all the more uncomfortable by the directors insistence of finishing every assault with lingering soft focus shots of  Yvonne Yao's semi naked, sweat covered thighs and breasts.

Seriously I can't begin to describe how uncomfortably inappropriate this section is in what has been up until now a fairly action packed zombie shoot 'em up. 

I'd ask what was the director thinking but frankly I really don't want to know.

How your girlfriend really got that promotion.

Anyway after a bleach shower it's back with the rapidly dwindling group of gung ho gangstas and SWAT squaddies where things are looking decidedly grim for them too.

Susan's wife has turned zombie forcing him to shoot her in the head, the scantily clad female cop - I'm assuming all police women in Taiwan dress like Lara Croft, I've never been there so how would I know? - has disappeared during a confusing fight scene and a black American dude (music producer, composer, deejay and all round sexy man Eyambe) has turned up for no other reason than he can base jump.

Saying that tho' he is bloody good at it.

Just imagine skiing  down those.

Suffice to say that loads of stuff happens (gun fights, stealing cars, zombie attacks and, unfortunately more rape as entertainment) before the survivors stumble upon the bacon man's apartment looking for a safe haven...

With zombies at the door and a mentalist on the sofa the question is who will survive and more importantly how, if the zombie plague is only a few hours old, has the pervert managed to already capture three of them, built a holding device and trained them to power his flat by walking around a big wheel?

Some of these questions may be answered.

Only some mind.

Thought it best to warn you.

You haveta admire Joe Chien in some ways, given the chance to make a feature it's almost as if he was so worried that he'd never have another shot at it that he decided to throw every idea he'd ever had at this one movie before standing back and seeing what stuck, creating an enjoyable if totally incoherent mess of a movie.

I mean, the sheer number of characters involved would shame Game of Thrones, for the films meagre 83 minute running time there are over 30 main characters, some named, some not but all of them speaking.

From Linda and her daughter Chloe, whom we assume are going to be the main focus, thru to Susan, his wife and his cronies via the SWAT team - with it's unrequited love between two characters subplot and then the mad rapist, characters appear and disappear like magic, some even off screen leaving plot threads dangling like noodles from the serial killers chin.

Did I not mention there's one of those in it too?

A torn, tight vest top, the official uniform of the zombie apocalypse.

And if that wasn't enough then halfway thru' what's turning into a nice wee survival horror story a mad rapist appears from nowhere, complete with his own torture chamber resplendent with giant jars containing the bodies of pickled women and deformed babies whilst, as mentioned earlier a gaggle of the undead power his house.

It's this section, whilst being genuinely unsettling to watch - especially the scenes where the pervert begins urinating on Linda as she begs to see her daughter and when he bemoans the fact that he's going to have to wait a few years to 'enjoy' Chloe - belong in a different movie entirely, dragging, as they do the audience out of the fun atmosphere created so far and into something much darker.

And that's not necessarily needed.

Inside Jeremy Forrest's mind.

It's not all bad tho', with some scenes that are genuinely funny - the attack on the American druggies by the zombie stripper for example- and others which up the creepiness factor considerably.

It's just the other stuff (rape, sexism and erm even more rape with a touch of necrophilia) gets in the way.

A wee bit like real life then.

If Chien was hoping to make a movie in the same vein as Evil Dead 2 then he was about a third of the way there with this, if only he'd gotten someone to trawl thru' his ideas for him (preferably a woman so she can slap him when he descends to far into Benny Hill Territory) and keep him focused then it could have been a corker.

Unfortunately the sequel - Zombie Fight Club - is even more outrageously sexist and nonsensical which just goes to show that absolutely no-one ever takes my advice.

Enjoyable nonsense but be warned, you'll be seeing breasts in your sleep for months afterwards.

And not all of them will be as shapely as Yvonne Yao's.

Or your Mums.

No comments: