sweet seats, sugar teats and a wee touch of aids.

(Or how I stopped worrying and learned to love Norway).

A Bit late coming but it's taken me till now to prepare myself mentally for a revisit to this years Glasgow FrightFest, I mean can you imagine how hard it must be for someone like myself who suffers from severe text diarrhoea to attempt to compress over 12 hours of cinematic treats (and Lords of Salem) into something resembling a well written and sometimes amusing blog post?

Especially when this years event was probably the most fun ever.

Well, I've done my best.

Now in it's 764th year, this time round FF boasted not only allocated seats (which still didn't stop a drunken, middle aged Weegie trying to fight me on Saturday) and more movies but a guest list that would make even Parkie wank himself silly with excitement.

St. Trinians saucepot Gemma Arterton was in attendance, as was the barely legal beauty that is Saoirse Ronan alongside directing legend Neil Jordan and bespectacled producing god Stephen Woolley, all there for the European premiere of Byzantium whilst various cast and crew members of Sawney: Flesh of Man joined the onstage festivities later in an attempt to hide from the cold and explain why a serial killer apparently living on The Isle of Skye would drive all the way to Glasgow and back just to pick up one victim and how on earth a 11 year old 'reporter' could possibly have a drinks problem.

Rounding up (not literally) Friday’s guests was 'Canadian' director Mr. Spencer Estabrooks who scarily had flown over at his own expense to unveil his latest short entitled The Hunt.

Which luckily for us (and him) was quite good.

But now to the movies and what a mix bag it was, opening (as is now the Glasgow tradition) with a documentary, this years offering was Michael Stephenson's frankly magnificent The American Scream which took us to the seaside town of Fairhaven, Massachusetts where the Brodeur, Souza and Bariteau families spend fortunes and hours every year turning their homes into haunted houses for the Halloween holiday, for no other reason than to entertain their neighbours with good old fashioned healthy scares.

Freakishly funny and remarkably touching, Stephenson treats his subjects not as freaks but with the respect they deserve, which must be hard seeing as, on first sight, the Brodeur's appear to be a pair of inbred pedo' potato people with a fetish for sinister clown suits when in reality they're one of the nicest, most loving family I've ever come across.

And not in that way.

Highly recommended.

"Wanna buy some pegs Dave?"

Following on from the aforementioned The Hunt (love to see a feature spun out of this, I'm available to script duties Mr. Estabrooks) and a quick pee came the Scottish horror effort Sawney: Flesh of Man, based (very) loosely - IE it had a cannibal in it - on the legend of the 15th century flesh-eater and his murderous clan (copies of my rejected Sawney script and storyboards are still available by the way) transported to the modern day and featuring a taxi.

How do you sum up a film which even the events host described with the words "Well it was better than watching paint dry"?

Apart from praising it's cinematography and wondering why director Ricky Wood had decided to make the naturally entertaining David Hayman tone down his performance rather than letting him go full pelt with the mentalism that is.

His googly eyed, dribbly performance doesn't totally save the film but it does drag it out of a self induced coma around the 40 minute mark.

And I must point out to those involved that having Grotbags from Emu's world appear in animated form as a surprise threat in the last 10 minutes of a movie really doesn't work on modern cinema audiences.

Some fairly decent cinematography yesterday.

There was barely time for a slash 'n' fag before the high-point of Friday’s proceedings, not content with raping our childhoods with his abysmal Halloween xerox and subjecting viewers to endless shots of his wife’s scrawny arse disguised as entertainment, Robert 'Rob' Zombie (not his real name) has returned to our screens with his attempt to do a Rosemary's Baby with his much anticipated (it says in the PR handout) Lords of Salem.

Before the screening ringmaster Paul McEvoy promised us that the film would 'divide the audience'.

Which frankly was a polite way of saying it's shite and only wanking obsessed wee boys and fat neck bearded virgins in man-tit revealing White Zombie t-shirts would enjoy it.

And then only because they don't know any better.

Lords of Salem: Fucking shameful.

Allegedly a tale of witches wickedly wreaking revenge on the town of Salem via the medium of a shit doom rock 12 inch single and forcing a ball-headed chicken man to impregnate Sheri Moon Zombie, the movie proves once again why Zombie needs to have both his hands and his testicles removed before he forces another 2 and a half hour excuse to wank over his wife's frankly average arse on the unsuspecting movie-going public.

The mind boggles as to how the man could get a cast of such high calibre (and his wife) to appear in such unmitigated arse biscuit.

I mean it boasts such talent as Bruce Davison, Ken Foree, Patricia Quinn, Dee Wallace, Meg Foster, Michael Berryman and  Judy Geeson, what did he do? threaten to fuck their kids?

Less a bad movie, more the cinematic equivalent of being brutally (and forcibly) taken up the shitter by a crab infested, middle aged Croatian transsexual whilst your parents drunkenly raise a glass shouting "happy 18th birthday son!" and laugh maniacally.

Apologies tho' to the wee boy I shouted at outside for enjoying it.

I really should have stabbed you in the face putting us all out of our misery instead. 

You would. All three. Twice.

And how do you possibly follow a film like that?

With probably the best vampire film of the past 30 years.

Well since Lifeforce anyway.

Yup, it's Sir Neil of Jordan's utterly fantastic Byzantium.

Introduced by the great man himself, Byzantium tells the tale of a mother and duo on the run from unknown forces whilst trying to live a 'normal' life amongst the living who find themselves holed up in an off-season seaside town.

Things begin to unravel when daughter Eleanor becomes frustrated at having to keep her vampirism a secret as she falls in love with a local boy.

Brilliantly shot and beautifully acted, Byzantium is already one of the top films of the year.

See it now.

Or whenever it opens obviously.

From the sublime to the ridiculous now with what was the dark (tho' dead would be a better description) horse of the festival, the first two episodes of the  Norwegian TV series Hellfjord.

Hellfjord is what happens when you get seven of Norway ’s finest directors and writer/producer Tommy (Dod Sno) Wirkola completely rat arsed on cheap (if not illegal) Vodka, or it might just be a documentary.

I've never been to Norway so I can't say.

Coming over like the bastard child of a sweating drunken back alley threesome between Twin Peaks, Hot Fuzz and They Came From Somewhere Else, the series focuses on the misadventures of disgraced Police Sergeant Salmander who, after accidentally killing his horse infront of thousands of onlookers at the annual independence day parade is posted to the small town of Hellfjord as punishment, a town where the family restaurant doubles as a topless mud-wrestling club, 99% of the populace (average age - 67 smoke) and the sun never sets.

Oh yes, and travellers have to appease a sea serpent for fear of getting eaten.

"Vil du ta min pikk?"

Possibly the greatest teevee show ever to come out of Norway, the rest of the series was shown over Saturday and due to threats from the Scottish crowds already picked up for a UK DVD release and broadcast.

"jævla fantastisk!" as the probably Norwegians say.

With the night coming to a close we where treated to the sight of big Bruce Campbell whoring himself in the name of the Evil Dead remake, valiantly trying to convince us that it'll be as great as the original in an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the movie that split the audience by age.

Anyone who'd seen the original on release shuddered and sighed whilst the children in the audience whooped and cheered before turning up their personal stereo's full blast to listen to that new rock band One Direction or something as they waited for the final film of the night, Alex Craig Mann's high school set  Detention of the Dead, a film so beige and bland as to have the effect of rendering the viewer unable to move, a hellishly misjudged mix of The Breakfast Club and Night of The Living Dead that uniquely ignores the reason for both these movies success and just plods along like a crook legged child in search of it's parents.

Nikolas: arse not shown.

You know you're in trouble when it's 00:48 on a Saturday morning and your only reason for watching a film is the drunken hope that ex-Disney star Alexa (Zoey 101) Nikolas will trip up and show her peachy, fishnet clad arse.

Suffice to say it didn't happen.

Still to come...The ABC's of Death, Eli Roth's reaction to me asking him for my £6.50 back, more Hellfjord and the story of how Stig Frode Henriksen contracted AIDS off my nan.

See you back here when I've typed it all up.

queer street.

I have quite vivid memories of the first Silent Hill being one of the biggest piles of poo I have ever seen, brightened only by appearances by everyone's fave film dad Sean Bean.

But when the sequel promises not only Bean and Malcolm McDowell but Game of Thrones John Snow as well it has to be at least half as shite as the other one.

Doesn't it?

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (2012).
Dir: Michael J. Bassett.
Cast: Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harington, Deborah Kara Unger, Martin Donovan, Malcolm McDowell, Carrie-Anne Moss, Radha Mitchell and Sir Sean of Bean.

"Never build on a ancient Indian burial ground! I thought everybody knew that!"

Previously on Silent Hill Rose (Mitchell, cameo-ing to pay the rent) and her daughter Sharon ended up trapped in the aforementioned scary town, an alternate dimension shrouded in ash, full of plotholes and populated by various bands of pikeys and large CGI monsters.

Luckily Rose, using a bathroom mirror and a huge plastic medallion manages to send Sharon back to our world - and her dad Christopher (Ned Stark himself, Bean) whilst she stays behind for some reason or other.

Rather than tell his daughter the truth, Christopher, concocts some story about her dying in a car crash or running away with the Night Watch or something.

"Winter is coming...in mah mooth!"

Jump forward a few years and a now teenage - and totally ball-faced Sharon (Clemens) and her dad have finally settled down in the town of Winterfell and are living a happy life under the assumed identities of Heather and Harry Mason after years of travelling to avoid the Silent Hill cult.

Unfortunately poor Heather has been suffering from recurring nightmares where she's trapped in an amusement park and under attack from a poorly rendered child named Alessa whilst a man with a Dairylea triangle on his head winks at the pre-teens on the waltzers.

Which, if I'm honest are a damn sight less upsetting than the dreams I had after viewing the first movie.

If that wasn't bad enough, Heather is being followed by a pube haired private investigator named Douglas Cartland (Martin Donovan, who as far as I remember was a character from V), who's been hired by the cult to track her down and a boy in her new class named Vincent (Game of Thrones Harrington channelling a young George Michael) has the hots for her.

"Hello Dave?"

Anyway, being a movie for ADHD afflicted teens and chronic masturbaters it's not long before all kinds of weird shit starts to happen, Douglas is killed by one of the (crappier) Cenobites from Hellraiser, Heather starts to imagine a kids birthday party going rabid and Ned Stark is kidnapped by dwarfs.

And all while vacant Vincent wanders about like a lost puppy making goo-goo eyes at our heroine.

The pair decide that the only course of action is to travel back to Silent Hill and rescue Ned before anything else happens.

Luckily for a demonic cursed town it's really well signposted.

But obviously not as much as the movies plot developments are.

Twinned with Gornal.

On arrival tho' Vincent reveals that he's cult leader Claudia's (Moss looking more and more like Julian Clary's cancer riddled brother everyday) son, charged with delivering Heather to the cult, but luckily he's decided to help her instead due to the peachiness of her arse.

Which I admit is made up but then again it's a lot more believable than the reason given onscreen.

As if by magic (or the use of some decidedly pixelly CG) their surroundings transform into those of Silent Hill (fantastically played by the West Midlands on a Sunday morning) where Vincent explains the films plot to Heather.

It seems that she's the one responsible for all this wobbly reality stuff due to her owning that big medallion and being the computer generated child’s twin or something and she must go and visit Vincent's granddad Leonard (a visibly embarrassed McDowell) who's been locked in an asylum by his daughter for 'having some darkness in him'.

Which I don't know about you but made me think of this.

The director must reckon that there's been more than enough talking going on as suddenly Vincent is grabbed by a large rubber turd and Heather is knocked unconscious by a piece of scenery, waking up in a deserted backstreet and covered in dandruff.

Ah, memories.

Laugh now!"

From the shadows appears Alessa’s mother Dahlia (Unger, best known for Highlander III) just in time to reiterated the plot for those who've already forgotten it.

Which is thoughtful of the director.

Meanwhile, poor Vincent is being denounced as a traitor by his mum (God help him if she ever discovers he's gay) and banished to the asylum to be cured.

Spunking sausages for peanuts.

 Whilst all this family stuff is going down Heather is having a rare old time fighting a big spider thing made out of shop window dummies (giving the viewers a quick glimpse of tit as it converts a lady) before managing to dodge a load of tramps in gas masks and finally climb into the asylum thru' a broken window where within minutes she's confronting Britain’s greatest character actor chained to a mattress covered wall and sporting a nipple revealing string vest and a pair of skimpy shorts.

Leonard (for it is he) informs her (again) that his daughter locked him up because of his darkness fetish and that the medallions purpose is to "expose the true nature of things".

No, sorry Malc, you've lost me now.

Luckily we don't have time to think about such stuff before Leonard plunges Heather's amulet into his chest (which is where he keeps the other half) and transforms into a big meat man and carries our heroine off down the ward.

Heather's made of sterner stuff tho' and soon pulls the medallion out of his chest causing him to explode.

Which, if I'm honest I didn't see coming.

Unlike cheese triangle head who you can smell a mile off as he totters into view carrying a big knife intent on randomly killing folk, which is pretty nice of him if you think about it seeing as it gives Heather the chance to run away and find Vincent, who as it happens is strapped to a gurney surround by the only reason to watch/play Silent Hill.

Yup it's the sexy flannel faced nurses.

Hurrah.

"Boiled onions!"

Unfortunately none of them engage in a wee bout of lesbian blade sex with Heather, preferring to just stumble about on six inch heels with nether a breast wobble in sight leaving our dynamic duo plenty of opportunity to be on their way to a final showdown with Alessa.

I say showdown but all that happens is that the pair have a bit of a chat about the meaning of life before Heather absorbs Alessa in a puff of slight and incomprehensible pseudo-bollocks and turgid CGI smoke before casually walking into the cults headquarters where she finds Vincent looking like a lost puppy, her dad tied to a giant garden ornament and Claudia dragged up like a council estate goth granny.

"Matron!"

 But hark! There's one more plot revelation to come because it seems that Heather's not been told the whole truth about why she's been brought back to 'ver Hill', it's not just about getting the medallion back for some reason but to use her womb as an incubator for the cult's new god.

 Yup, you guessed it, it's got something to do with Heather being linked to someone or something meaning that she has a power or suchlike that can change the world.

Possibly.

Anyway, Heather not too surprisingly says no which makes Claudia really angry.

So angry in fact that she transforms into a monster and tries to kill Heather.

Which is a wee bit weird seeing as a minute ago she needed her alive for all that baby god stuff.

Oh well not to worry because Cheese head arrives in the nick of time to have a very slow fight with Claudia giving everyone plenty of time to escape and prepare for an inevitable third film.

A gratuitous tit shot yesterday.

From the director of the highly entertaining Solomon Kane and the Sean Pertwee starrer Wilderness comes another half arsed attempt to bring a video game to the screen.

Luckily for us it's more Mortal Kombat than Resident Evil plus it's got a really earnest Sean Bean in it which adds some kitsch value at least.

Oh and Kit Harington's hair is fucking hilarious.

As is McDowell's cameo.

And the fact that everyone involved is treating it like some lost Ingmar Bergman script adds an air of absurdity to the proceedings that would have been missing 

had it not had such a dedicated cast.

Arse.

Which is kinda damning with faint praise really but come on, it's a Silent Hill film so what do you expect?

Well a few scares maybe.

And the aforementioned scary lesbian nurse sex if I'm honest.

Look you know it's going to be shite before the opening credits begin to roll but surprisingly it's actually utterly entertaining shite.

Paul Anderson take note, less of your wife's arse and more shady CGI is the future of the video game movie.

Hopefully Michael J. Bassett will get offered the Manic Miner movie next.

We can but hope.

things you drunkenly purchase from ebay (part one).

boddy hell.

Experience the ultimate in crayon-based horror when 5 seventies kids teevee icons meets terrifying tree based terror as the cast of Bod go on holiday to a little cabin in the woods.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the full, uncut (and un-restored) version of The Evil Bod.

Click on the pic to view (obviously).

fancy a fox?

Possibly the scariest thing I've ever been sent...a creepily crap Starfox/Dinosaur slash story presented as an animated Gif.

Yup, a GiF, not even flash or a flicker book.

Nice to know readers of this blog make the effort.

Enjoy.

If that's the right word.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 48).

OK it's been a long time coming but after finally catching up with Forbrydelsen I have to admit that there is no other detective on teevee to hold a candle to the sheer sexual presence of the magnificently mumsy (and oh so Aspie) Sarah Lund played to pant-staining perfection by the superbly saucy Sofie Gråbøl.

It's that tilted head/eyebrow thing does it for me.

space grape.

I'll make this a quick one seeing as I'm still suffering the after effects of viewing this lost 'masterpiece'.

Which reminds me, does anyone know how to get rid of bloody stools?

Groom Lake (AKA The Visitor, 2002).
Dir: William Shatner.
Cast: William Shatner, Dan Gauthier, Amy Acker and Tom Towles.

“When life on this planet ceases to exist, then all that infinite space will be without life...But if there’s other life out there, it proves that we aren’t an accident, that we’re part of a process, a continuum as endless and timeless as space itself.”

For those of you who don't know (or care) Groom Lake is a salt flat situated in the Nevada desert on the north of Area 51.

A quasi-secret military facility, it's main job is to fill the night skies with pant wettingly freaky Justin Bieber style laser light shows in order to convince the local populace that UFO's genuinely exist therefore covering up the launches of the many secret aircraft tested on the site.

Luckily there's a twist to all this Po-faced sub X Files/Project: UFO bollocks because the facilities commander, the ruggedly handsome John Gossner (Shatner, no introduction necessary) actually has a real spaceship and it's occupant alien hiding in the basement as they attempt to send him/it home.

What are the chances eh?

"Are you lookin' at mah bra?"

Meanwhile back in the desert the sickly (in more ways than one) sweet Kate (Angel star Acker) and her massive arse of a boyfriend Andy (Gauthier, whose claim to fame seems to be playing the co-pilot from episode 1 of Lost) have come out to Groom Lake so that the poor girl (who has recently been diagnosed with terminal gout and rickets) can sit under the stars one last time before she dies.

And maybe even see a flying saucer.

Acker: rickets.

Tho' had she know that she was going to have to suffer thru' 90 minutes of no budget, no mercy soul searching intercut with moments of Dan Gauthier's character veering madly and nonsensically between sensitive guy and arsehole without rhyme nor reason whilst horror stalwart Towles attempts to convince us he's acting against a real snake then I'm pretty sure she'd have offed herself before the opening titles.

"Fuck me it's Fred Titmuss!"

Which, if I'm honest would have probably been a good thing seeing as all we'd have had left would be the legend that is Bill Shatner stomping around an army base gruffly shouting at government types whilst trying to save an alien (in this case uniquely portrayed as an old man in a nappy) from something slight, incomprehensible and shoddily realized.

Which really isn't Shatner's fault seeing as the poor sod has been given a budget of roughly $75 to make an earthbound equivalent of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In saying that, once he saw that the cash for the hi-tech military base would only stretch to painting his garage white and decorating it with a few second hand I-macs he maybe should have scaled down his ambition.

Or just spent the cash on pizza and booze for those six of us who actually sat thru' it.

What's big, brown and shags old ladies? Bill Shatner in his big, brown granny shagging suit!

Especially the scene where, after being stranded in the desert due to Andy rolling his car in a fit of pique, Kate is apparently sexually assaulted by a local stetson wearing family who are convinced she's an alien.

And it's this scene that showcases the movies wildly schizophrenic tone,  two-thirds of which plays out like a bad 70's TV pilot that's constantly fighting for space against a really serious tale regarding the nature of life and mortality.

Tho' as a plus point you do get to see Acker's pants.

Dad.

Acting wise the movie stumbles drunkenly between the good (Shatner, Acker and Towles - on top form here as a psychotic truck driver), the bad (Gauthier) and the frankly abysmal (everyone else) with some performances so hideous as to become almost psychologically painful to watch.

No wonder it's been so long since the last update, you're lucky I'm still not playing in my own shite after this.

Tho' if you're a fan of Shatner (and who isn't?) you're gonna have to go out and watch it anyway.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

The bad movie bar of 2013 has been raised so high that anyone wanting to beat it has probably got to film their movie in orbit.