Friday, March 29, 2013

face off.

Mask Maker (AKA Masakerade, 2010).
Dir: Griff Furst
Cast: Nikki Deloach, Stephen Colletti, Terry Kiser, Anabella Casanova, Michael Berryman, Treat Williams and Ross Britz.

The sickeningly loved up Jennifer (Days of Our Lives toothsome Deloach) and Evan (One Tree Hill's Colletti) have recently become the proud owners of a massive farmhouse somewhere in the sunny south.

And even better is the fact that it only cost them 68 quid.

Which is probably due to the fact that the last owner was an evil witch with a predilection for murdering newborns and her ball headed son.

Could have been worse I suppose, it could of belonged to Jimmy Savile. 

With Jennifer's birthday fast approaching Evan decides to plan a weekend of partying and decorating, inviting their four best buddies along to help.

Just get Fred West in to tidy the place up and it'll be good as new.

Being the conscientious type who reads the script before shooting, Jennifer is intrigued by the amount of shite left by the previous owners around the house - you know the type of stuff, crying boy pictures, ceramic rabbits and Charles and Diana plates - becoming more and more curious about their past.

"Well who's for a wee shite cap?"

Luckily the local shop keeper's pal featured in the pre-credits sequence meaning that he can happily fill Jennifer (phnarr) on the pesky back story.

Or he would if he wasn't pissed.

it's a good job then that good old Michael (The Hills Have Eyes) Berryman is on hand to warn our heroine of an evil presence that lingers around the house.

Everything should be OK tho' as long as no-one pulls the big stick out of the garden in the back of the house, therefore releasing the fearful 'Mask Maker'.

Or Leonard as he's known to his friends.

Meanwhile back at the house Evan and his buddies are busy tidying the garden, starting with pulling up all the messy twigs and sticks spoiling the lawn.

Surprisingly the start with the really big one with the skull on top.

Not too surprisingly bloodshed and hilarity ensues as our undead arts and crafts expert hunts the teens down one by one before messily bludgeoning them to death with an axe and finally wearing their faces like some nightmarish Avid Merrion tribute act.

Bo Selecta indeed.

"Put it in me!"

From the stud-tastic Griff Furst, director of Arachnoquake (amongst other classics that sit happily in my secret cupboard) comes this fairly inoffensive (if totally and utterly predictable) yet fairly inoffensive hodge-podge of every other slasher movie ever made.

Providing you've never ever seen one before obviously.

Every genre cliche is dragged drunkenly kicking and dribbling across the screen thru' the films 90 minute running time in an attempt to entertain the no doubt mindless masses the movie is aimed at.

Which is lucky for me seeing as despite everything I found it a mostly pain free way of spending an evening.

Tho' to be fair I had just attempted to sit thru' Jay Woelfel's cinematic crapfest Carnival of Fear (AKA Closed For The Season), so even a warm Guinness enema would seem appealing after that.

In it's favour tho' it may be cliche-sodden nonsense but it's definitely much more enjoyable than bigger budgeted bollocks like Texas Chainsaw 3D.

And the cast are, by and large considerably more attractive.

And that includes the big ball headed bad man himself.

Breasts + bubbles x pretty lips - visible nipples = violent mooth shite-in madness. Possibly.

Plus to make the movie a more interactive and therefore more entertaining experience than usual (and it'll give the hand that's not ready with the remote pause button a break) why not make a Top Trump style list of all the scenes you've seen before?

Award yourself a point for every one you spot and see who wins amongst your friends.

I would suggest you take a drink for every one but seriously you'd die of liver failure before the 20 minute mark.

Insert cock here.

Here's a few to get you started:

Deformed killer with mommy issues?


Killer who makes masks from the faces of his victims?


Heroine dresses as killers mum to confuse him?


Least attractive cast member gets naked. Twice?

I'll leave that one up to you.

"Touch my meat".

Mask Maker may not set the horror genre on fire (but then again neither will your sister once your uncle's finished with her) but like the sibling in question it's a fairly fun way to pass an hour or two without too much effort on your part.

Just remember to hide your wallet afterwards. 

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