Tuesday, October 14, 2014

crate balls of fire.

As regular readers of The Arena will know, it's not often that your humble host receives a correspondence that doesn't involve death/legal threats or just general abuse and those of you with long memories and short fuses will probably still have a warm fuzzy feeling whenever 'Megan' is mentioned.

Who knew?!!?

For those of you new here, that was the time I was blamed for the abduction (and subsequent murder) of the fictional lead character in the film Megan is Missing.

Indeed I still get scarily threatening emails to this day regarding her whereabouts.

So you can imagine my surprise when an email from the lovely Alex from the even lovelier Man Crates: Gifts for Men arrived inviting me to put together a four item horror survival crate of my own I couldn't resist.

Especially seeing as they still have the negatives from my last gig at Amanda Bynes birthday party.

More challenging than that tho' was the thought of a designing a horror crate specifically aimed at helping me survive on my home turf.

Yup, no guns and the like here, you see I'm in 'sunny' Scotland, birthplace of such terrors as the Loch Ness Monster, cannibal king Sawney Bean, John Barrowman and The Wicker Man.

And like them my kit was going to have to be durable, waterproof and look good in Tartan.

It's a crate! For a man! It's a Man Crate!

Firstly and probably most importantly is gonna be something to wear, something designed to suit the Scottish weather and terrain and with big enough pockets to leave me hands free for the inevitable scuffle cum girly fist fight I'll no doubt end up in.

Yes, I'm talking the Kilt.

But not just any old kilt, I mean the specially adapted Combat Kilt.

And in khaki of course! 

Well if it's good enough for George Lazenby...

For a second item I'm thinking sustenance, sugar and multi-usage all in one wonderful bottle.

Yup, Scotland's national tipple, Irn Bru.

Made in Scotland from girders. Allegedly.

Packed with enough secret ingredients to keep you alert for days, when empty the bottle can be refilled with water, used as a makeshift weapon or rolling pin and if the situation gets desperate you could always put an SOS in it and hope for the best.

Tho' I probably wouldn't put too much faith in the last one.

If you've got a kilt you might as well go all the way and pack a skean dhu too. For the uninitiated it's the small knife traditionally worn in the right sock with the handle showing. Usually used for cutting Haggis or wood, picking bark out of your teeth and as Dog Soldiers showed us a silver version is perfect for taking on Werewolves.

If you're still confused imagine a Swiss Army Knife but with just the sharp, stabby bit.

"Call that a knife?"

Finally you'll need a good old fashioned umbrella (the larger the better). Not only will this be useful to shield yourself from the elements (we've been known to have sunshine, rain, hail and snow within minutes of each other) but again it can double up as a walking stick - useful when testing uneven terrain - the handle can be hooked on trees to cross rivers (possibly), you can use it to prod monsters to keep them at bay and, when opened and closed quickly whilst shouting can be useful if you need to scare away any birds.

Especially undead/mutant ones.

OK, maybe not this big. Tho' it may be that the people featured are very tiny.

So remember dear readers, stay alert and keep these items to hand at all times.

You never know we your life may depend on them.

No comments: