Wednesday, March 16, 2016

wreck too.

Oh no not another found footage extravaganza I hear you cry/type.

'Fraid so but fear not as this one is fairly unique seeing as:

A. It's from Israel

and

B. It features what could be the first time I've ever seen someone sporting actual Lego hair on screen.

Plus I'm pretty sure that Michael Bublé is in it playing a sexy Muslim waiter.

Enjoy.

JeruZalem (2015).
Dir: Yoav and Doron Paz.
Cast: Danielle Jadelyn, Yael Grobglas, Yon Tumarkin and Michael Bublé.

“There are three gates to hell, one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem...or is it West Bromwich?"


Aforementioned Lego-haired chinstress Sarah (Jadelyn best known as Katie, the Water Bottle Girl in Skins.) and her BFF Rachel (Council estate Amanda Heard, Grobglas) are all set for a trip to sunny Tel Aviv, Rachel to get pissed and have sex and Sarah in order to finally lay to rest the memories of her dead, comedy hat wearing brother.

This bit may be important later.

With Sarah sporting a pair of comedy 'Google-Glasses' given to her by her dad as a present  our dipsy duo head off to the airport where they come across (not in that way, well not yet) a wannabe Indiana Jones (if he were a foetus) named Kevin (Israeli actor and singing superstar Tumarkin, wait....you mean that wasn't his real accent?) who persuades them to instead head to Jerusalem first for the cities fantastic Yom Kippur celebrations.

Which as you know girls just can't resist.

Unfortunately the scene ends before we find out if he really is Jewish or not.

Arriving in the city and booking into their hotel the by now terrifically toothsome trio make friends with part-time waiter and professional sexy man Omar (Bublé,  under the alias Tom Graziani) and soon hit the towns various religious sites (of which surprisingly there are a few, who knew?) alongside its hip 'n' happening nightclubs, scoring some top quality hash along the way before indulging in some silky smooth thigh revealing sex and finally visiting the Wailing Wall where Sarah, never being one to selfishly bring everyone down asks God to bring her brother back.

Again, this may be important later.

Unfortunately all these first person, character based shenanigans are cut short (but not alas for us seeing as it's around an hour before anything of note happens) when the previously prologue mentioned gate to hell suddenly opens spewing forth an army of winged albino demons upon the city with the sole intention of violently converting the living to their undead floaty ways.

Either that or the Hawkmen have had it rough since Flash Gordon.

Which I'm pretty sure it isn't covered in their holiday insurance.

Brian Blessed's let himself go since Flash Gordon.

 In a kinda reverse It’s A Wonderful Life way, the bells ring in the suddenly appearing wings as Jerusalem is put under lockdown as the local Israeli soldiers, unused to shooting at anything other than children throwing stones valiantly try to get everyone out of the city.

Well for about five minutes before they lock the gates and start bombing stuff.

Attempting to escape via some handy tunnels our heroes soon discover that the demonic plague is spreading fast and that the possessed will soon outnumber the living.

Alas the end of days (tho' not the Arnie one) is fast approaching and scarily it's shot on shaky cam by a snot nosed, middle class whining brat.

Hell is indeed on Earth.

It might look fun now but just wait till the mooth shite-in starts.

After a fabulous pre-credit teaser featuring Muslim, Jewish and Christian clergy oohing and aahing over an undead mum we're brought kicking and screaming back to Earth with yet another run of the mill first person poofest that pisses away any goodwill it may have gained as soon as the infinitely kickable Sarah opens her tomb-toothed mouth.

Our sci-fi spectacled heroine spends more time looking at her shoes (or in most cases Yael Grobglas' albeit luscious arse) than the terrors around her culminating in a scene that whilst on paper should be utterly terrifying - a giant Cloverfield-esque fire-breathing beast stumbling around downtown Jerusalem as helicopter gunships try to blow it up - ends up as yet another 'Sarah notices that her glasses are dirty and must clean them' moment.

It's like having the worlds funniest joke retold to you by a wooden tongued mute.

Or Michael Mcintyre.

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me...and it's fuck full of winged demons!

It does have some good points tho', and the best of these is it's stunning location. Unlike World War Z this production actually got to film in Jerusalem (tho' after WWZ finished shooting in sunny Glasgow you can understand that no other city could ever be as beautiful) and the city is almost a character in itself, oozing as it does with such a rich history and diverse cultures and architecture.

Pity then that it's shot from the eye-level of a tiny woman-child thru' a pixelatted haze for most of the time.

It'd be like getting permission to shoot on Mars but abandoning your plans for 3-d Imax and doing it with Polaroids instead.


Eye son!

And this is the unforgivable thing about the whole "Let's make it found footage" trope because beneath the shaky-head cam and half-arsed Google-Glass jokes there's a halfway decent Omen style chiller fighting to get out.

Worth a look for the scenery, some genuinely spooky monsters and a couple of good performances- Grobglas and Graziani in particular are great -  but other than that there's little of any consequence on show.

They say that The Devil has the best tunes but if this film is anything to go by what he really needs a better PR guy.

I'm sure Max Clifford isn't too busy right now.

No comments: