Taking a break from mixing visuals for the Bowie tribute night alongside creating frankly magnificent mash-ups for top popsters Agents Of Evolution by revisiting one of my fave romantic comedies.
Buio Omega: Beyond the Darkness (AKA Blue Holocaust , The Final Darkness. 1979).
Dir: Joe D'Amato.
Cast: Kieren Canter, Cinzia Monreale, Franca Stoppi, Anna Cardini, Lucia D'Elia and Sam Modesto.
|"All right little boy, no one will touch your baby doll".|
Welcome one and all to the sad, mad and thoroughly bad world of the slightly intense and incredibly lonely freak boy Frank Willer (Eroticoblues flaxen haired Canter) who since the recent and not to mention mysterious death of his beautiful partner Anna (the lovely Monreale from The Beyond who bizarrely enough owns a piece of my artwork - small world) spends most of his days skulking around his huge villa with only his frightening taste in late seventies fashions, a pair of patent leather Kickers and his Mrs. Doyle-like, potato head onion odoured housekeeper Iris (stern faced Stoppi, star of Emanuelle fuga dall'inferno, The Other Hell and the underrated Bestiality among other things to gruesome too mention here) for company.
Being too rich (and too wet) to work Frank spends most of his - non whining - time either attempting to perfect his hobby (which is taxidermy, this may become important later) or suckling on Iris's left breast as she strokes his hair and calls him "Her little Frank".
Just like your mum does when you go to visit.
|Stoppi: A mooth made for shite-in in.|
If you think that's a wee bit strange - or even a little arousing, I wont judge - just wait till Anna's funeral, when just before the ceremony Frankie boy sneaks into the funeral home and quietly injects her corpse with an embalming liquid.
Either because he's having the service on the cheap or that he has other plans for his dead missis.
Which do you think?
Unbeknown to Frank, Mr. Kale (flash in the pan/cum in my pants Modesto) the friendly neighbourhood funeral director sees the whole thing.
Obviously not wanting to spoil the funeral he keeps quiet and heads off home for a drink or three which allows Frank to sneak (he does a lot off that during the film) back that very night and exhume Anna's still fresh, yet slightly stiff body, bundle it into the back of his Ford Transit and head home.
But you know what they say about best laid plans and all that, 'cos the journey home is a disaster of Last of The Summer Wine comedic proportions with Frank first having to endure a flat tire followed by a run in with the police before finally coming across an obscenely chubby and squint eyed 'cock-er-nee' (the dubbing director must have been either very drunk or very bored) hitchhiker named Jan (D'Elia) who won't take no for answer.
Or by the state of her that bag of chips away from her mouth.
Falling asleep in the van after one too many pasties, Jan is oblivious when Frank drags Anna's corpse into the basement and then slicing her open from boob to bush to remove her vitals before finally sucking her brain thru' a tube up her nose.
Which is fairly lucky really because no doubt that greedy bitch Jan would've probably tried to scoff it all.
His luck can't last tho' and just as he's popping Anna's glass eyes into her exquisite skull Jan stumbles into the basement - obviously drawn by the smell of fresh offal - to find Frank covered in blood, sweat, shit and shame whilst bending over the corpse.
Jan screams but as she turns to run the friction of her thighs rubbing together causes a bucket of intestines to fall on her, giving Frank enough time to beat her to death with a rolled up copy of Stuffed Bird Monthly.
Which is better than she deserved if I'm honest.
Which I am.
|Eamon Holmes and Kate Garraway's Strictly Come Dancing routine failed to impress a stern-faced D'Arcy Bussell yesterday. Or was that today?|
Iris, no doubt at a loose end after polishing off the china (and Frank) is soon on the scene to help tidy up the mess before helping Frank to carry Anne to the bedroom, dressing her in a lovely nylon nightie and painting her finger and toe nails a luscious deep red colour.
Which actually improves her look no end, complementing as it does her massive blotchy chin.
As a new day dawns Frank sets about his daily routine as if nothing untoward had happened.
Which is probably a good thing seeing as her has an urgent appointment with Mr. Kale who wants his baboon stuffing.
But Kale has other things on his mind.
And it's not discovering the secret of how baboons manage to keep their arses so red and peachy.
You see it seems that word has gotten out that someone stole Anna's corpse and Kale suspects Frank of the crime and in a sneaky plan that Columbo would be proud of arranges for a mutual friend to discuss the project whilst he sneaks into Frank's basement.
Alas Kale doesn't come across any corpses - he's probably still spent from doing that at work on slow days - but does find a necklace belonging to Anna.
Spookily it was the one she was buried in.
Tho' Kale ignores this fact and goes home.
No doubt to search T'internet for ape porn.
He must have really loved that baboon.
We've no time for monkey sex tho' (which is unusual for D'Amato) because Frank still has a body to get rid of.
Waiting till nightfall (and till his loyal housekeeper has done the dishes) he gets Iris to pop Jan's body in the bathtub - don't worry, it's a bloody big bath - and cover it in acid before pulping the remaining lumpy bits with a hammer.
The sight of Iris taking such pleasure from her work (well it's either that or the smell from her breath) is enough to make Frank vomit but luckily Iris is more than willing to 'take him in hand' and make it all better.
Which in case you found that too subtle means she gives him a handjob whilst pulling a face like your nan when she wins at bingo.
|Cardini: your dad did. Twice.|
The next day Frank understandably decides to go driving to help clear his head.
And hopefully get rid of the memory - and smell - of Iris' beefy fingers.
It's not long tho' (it is a fairly short movie) before his mind is completely cleared of all things murder and old lady sex related thanks to the sight of an ample arsed, poodle haired jogger sitting at the side of the road suggestively rubbing her swollen ankle and Frank, being the gentlemanly type immediately offers to take her up the villa for a thorough bandaging.
The woman (Cardini coming across like a slightly saucier version of top 70's teevee star Susan Stranks and one of the few actresses to get a 4 out of 5 'nice feet' rating on Wikifeet) obviously attracted to Bri-Nylon leisure wear, accepts his offer.
No sooner have they arrived at Frank's pad than the pair of them are kissing, cuddling and engaging in general fondling on the sofa and Frank, happy to be finally pulling someone fairly attractive (as opposed to dead old or just dead) drags his new lady friend off to the bedroom for a quick shag.
You remember the bedroom don't you?
You know the one where he keeps his dead wife.
Everything is going swimmingly till Frank decides, just at the moment of entry, pulls down the bedsheets revealing Anna's corpse.
The juicy jogger turns her head and upon seeing this completely different kind of stiffie leering over her begins to scream.
Frank has no choice but to kill her.
And stupidly before he's even climaxed.
Luckily Iris is on hand to (eventually) clean up both messes.
|"Sssssh! You'll wake me mam!" - That's you losing your virginity that is.|
Obviously jealous at the thought of Frank shagging someone his own age (and someone who's breathing) Iris decides that the best course of action would be to get rid of Anna's body and persuade Frank to marry her, promising him a lifetime of vinegary hand-jobs and leek soup.
Frank not too surprisingly isn't too keen on getting rid of Anna but scarily agrees to marry Iris (the sick fuck) and even offers to make her the mistress of the estate.
If it were me I'd rather carry on shagging the corpse.
Even your nan's.
Desperate to keep her hands (and black toothed mouth) on Franks manhood she begrudgingly agrees, promising to look after both Frank and his 'baby doll'.
|I've already done a 'mooth shite' caption.....damn.|
Which is kinda sweet if I'm honest.
Annoyed at her fiancés no show, Iris storms upstairs in an attempt to finally persuade Frank to get rid of Anna causing our hero to finally see the error of his ways.
By that I mean agreeing to shag a pensioner, not sharing a bed with a corpse obviously.
As the argument becomes more heated Frank realises that punching Iris in the face whilst calling her a dirty old whore isn't really going to help matters and the pair decide to call it a day.
Well Frank decides to call it a day, Iris on the other hand has gone totally fruitloops and she's decided to call it a strawberry.
Whilst all this shouty stuff's been going on, Mr. Kale (remember him?) has been keeping his beedy eye (as opposed to the weeping squint one) on Frank and all the creepy goings on at the villa.
Between perving over primates obviously.
But just when Frank (and the audience) don't think the situation can get any worse (or convoluted), who should turn up but Anna's never before mentioned twin sister Elena (Monreale again) in order to pay her respects to Frank.
She was obviously too busy getting her nails done to attend the funeral.
In reality she's only turned up to give the director an excuse to send everyone off the deep end and into the murky waters of mentalism in preparation for a blood soaked climax.
So will Frank come to his senses and end up marrying Elena?
Will Iris ever wash?
And more importantly will Kale ever get his hands on that stuffed baboon?
Answers to the usual email address.
Best known as a soft core porn director, he also contributed to the Euro-horror genre with such ‘classics’ as Anthropophagus: The Beast (starring Mia’s one eyed, ex cab driver sister Tisa Farrow) before wowing audiences worldwide with his fantastic forays into goreporn Erotic Nights of The Living Dead, Emmanuelle and The Last Cannibals (both starring dusky eyed beauty Laura Gemser) and the subtly titled Porno Holocaust.
But perhaps his most accessible (and definitely least sordid) work is the wonderful Buio Omega: Beyond The Darkness.
For one thing it has a vague semblance of a plot (usually his movies go: opening titles, shagging, murder, shagging, talky bit, shagging, misplaced 70's synth score, murder, end credits), a particularly strong lead performance from Kieren Canter (the only one he ever gave if I'm honest), a fantastically evocative score from Goblin, adequate - tho' barely - special effects and some even genuinely creepy moments.
Tho' it must be said that the best of these are when Iris attempts sexiness.
But just imagine tho' how much greater still it could've been in the hands of a more capable director (the bloke who directed Lord of Tears perhaps or Eli Roth?)**.
I'm sure there's a really bizarre alternate film universe where this is seen as a definitive Eurohorror classic, a kind of Italian Psycho or Peeping Tom.
As it stands we have a sometimes tense, slightly vile but entertaining movie with a heart as black as Iris' tightly curled pubes.
And for once D'Amato resisted using actors with porn mustaches, frightful chest wigs and a bad case of genital warts, for which we can all be thankful.
*OK maybe not Contamination.
**For my American readers this is what we call irony.