Friday, March 3, 2017


Rewatched this beauty t'other night and stand by every word of this dredged up review.

Thor the Conqueror (1983)
Dir: Tonino Ricci.
Cast: Luigi Mezzanotte (AKA Conrad Nicholls), Malisa Longo, Raf Falcone, Maria Romano and some gypsies.

It is a time of magic and mystery, the evil Lord Gnut (Raf Falcone, yup he of The Italian Job) decides to murder not only his arch rival King Linda (I'm sure that's what they say) but also his leggy wife and ball headed child (for Gnut is a very bad man).

Luckily the God Teisha places the newborn in hiding, safe from Gnuts evil clutches and turns Linda's mighty sword into a snake (as you would).

Jumping forward 25 years we find ickle baby Thor has grown up to look like Italian 'B' movie stud muffin Luigi Mezzanotte (AKA Conrad Nicholls), all rippling oily six-pack, furry pants and hairy nipples.

His only companion, a 6 ft. down at heel transvestite with shoulder pads Joan Collins would murder for and a libido that would terrify even John Leslie.

Thor?....Phwoooaaarrrrr more like!!

 It turns out the trannie is in reality Etna the Bird-Man (didn't you guess?), a powerful wizard, so named because he has the power to transform himself into an owl.

And not cos he looks like a lassie.
Etna it transpires will be our narrator for the proceedings, this will be useful because it means he can just tell us about the exciting stuff rather than showing us, seeing as the films budget doesn't even stretch to a few horses or a donkey for our hero to ride on.

Anyway, as with all these types of movie, Thor is destined to undertake a great quest under Etna's guidance. He must locate his fathers sword and take revenge on Gnut.

La Cage Aux Folles...The Steptoe years.

It's not all plain sailing tho' as along the way Thor must battle everything from blue painted, bare buttocked cannibals, frightening demons in a cave, a group of friendly fishermen who offer him food (yup, he just kills anything really) and a hunting party of 'sexy' warrior virgins.

OK, he only kills a few of those, sparing the life of the lovely Ina (Romano, star of the fabulous Women’s Prison Massacre).

Chicken in mah mooth!

Although he's only kept Ina alive to do his cooking, clean his furry pants etc. love soon blossoms between them, as Thor romantically tweaks her nipples under a tree he grunts "You Thor's bare Thor the gift of children."

"Oh Thor....I've fallen".

How could any sane girl refuse?
Anyway some fantastic shagging ensues (intercut with sunsets, mountains etc.) before Thor continues on his quest for revenge.
I'm pretty sure some other stuff happens too, like Ina getting killed and Thor shagging a blonde bird but to be honest I've tried to block this movie from my memory.

You can probably tell that when I do that to a film it must be a bad 'un.

Didn't stop me buying it tho'.

Thor battling some stunningly
realistic demons yesterday.

Thor is another experiment in tedium from ace director Tonino Ricci, the man behind such classics as Buck at the Edge of Heaven, Night of the Sharks and Robin Hood... Arrow, Beans and Karate (yup, you've sat thru' all of those too eh?) and 'writer' Tito Carpi of Ultimo Mondo Cannibale, Tentacles and the fantastic The Raiders of Atlantis.

Unlike this fetid shite, Raiders is a film that really has to be seen to be believed, with a plot that manages to include Atlantis, Vietnam vets, Russian nuclear subs, top director Michele Soavi in a rare acting role and has a baddie called 'Crystal Skull'.

But I digress.

"Don't touch the hair!"

Frighteningly (or surprisingly) the crew weren't half-cut jakey's as first imagined but some of the best people working in Italy at the time (well, by best I mean not bad) and featured such luminaries as Giovanni Bergamini, the cinematographer from Cannibal Ferox, the Richard Kiel starrer The Humanoid and the terrific nuke mutants/motor-psychos exploitationer Exterminators from the Year 3000.


The make-up effects (of which I can't remember any) were the work of the diminutive Mr. Pietro Tenoglio (he of the bacon covered rabbit from Anthropophagous: The Beast), so how this group of bona-fide geniuses can come together and produce this beggars belief.

Maybe it was a case of too much talent and not enough booze?

Still 23rd Century are doing copies for a quid in your local pound shop so maybe, just maybe it's worth you buying it.

Just for completest value of course.

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