tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70931436317233690042024-03-18T03:01:57.017+00:00Arena Of The UnwellLess a series of reviews, more a thinly disguised cry for help...
"We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell."Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.comBlogger1065125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-2157246628954485122024-03-16T09:40:00.014+00:002024-03-16T11:21:44.480+00:00green day.<div style="text-align: left;">Anyway the laydees are away at a dance performance today (the Tanz Akademie they attend in <span class="ILfuVd" lang="en"><span class="hgKElc">Freiburg likes to keep them busy) so myself and Master Cass are home alone and it's his choice of movie....</span></span><br /> </div><div style="text-align: left;">Wish me luck.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div>
Green Inferno (AKA Cannibal Holocaust 2. 1988).<br />
Dir: Antonio Climati.<br />
Cast: Mario Merlo, Fabrizio Merlo, May Deseligny, Roberto Ricci, Jessica Quintero and Pio Maria Federici.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt1sZJ8mhPjVh9Zy7tzy7KviR0w3ueCsUZaqsFf_A4OeYyUq6P8f5L2bvyOix0vIgmgg4FaYAMvLAxC-ONXiffEP5-Kc7nq-elBUxeToMBAxisiQn7-Khac3-aqq27Ni39B0WrddIHFtlc/s1600/MV5BZWRhYzAyNTgtMjliYi00MGYzLTg2YTQtOWFjYTRkMGExMzAyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjkyMDI4NTQ%2540._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="945" data-original-width="500" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt1sZJ8mhPjVh9Zy7tzy7KviR0w3ueCsUZaqsFf_A4OeYyUq6P8f5L2bvyOix0vIgmgg4FaYAMvLAxC-ONXiffEP5-Kc7nq-elBUxeToMBAxisiQn7-Khac3-aqq27Ni39B0WrddIHFtlc/s400/MV5BZWRhYzAyNTgtMjliYi00MGYzLTg2YTQtOWFjYTRkMGExMzAyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjkyMDI4NTQ%2540._V1_.jpg" width="211" /></a></div>
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Speccy faced and pube haired anthropology geek Peter (Federici in his only film role) is planning - well I say planning but he's really just packed some clean pants and a hat - a wee trip to a remote region of the Amazon alongside his buff buddies Fred and Mark (the brothers Merlo in their only film role too, no surprises there really).<br />
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But why I hear you ask? <br />
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It seems that an acquaintance of his, the ambitious and fairly attractive (for the budget) young journalist Jemma (the flaxen haired, council estate Tisa Farrow alike Deseligny) has located the missing scientist Professor Barry Korenz (FX expert and star of Casper, Ricci) who mysteriously disappeared whilst searching for a mythical tribe known as the Imas.<br />
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So far so clichéd.<br />
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<b><span style="font-style: italic;">"Sorry, I have my woman's period". </span></b></div>
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Finding that their own light aircraft has been swapped at the airport by the sozzled owner for magic beans, our heroic trio of likely lads - and token lass - reckon it's too late to cancel the trip, so decide to steal a bright yellow seaplane from outside the local toy shop, drive it down the motorway to the coast and head off for adventure anyway, hoping that no-one spots the big plane shaped hole in the grass the next morning.<br />
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Arriving at a small town on the edge of the jungle our intrepid foursome are disappointed to find that the petrol station is shut, leaving them no alternative than to book into the local hotel for the night and get a haircut at the local barbershop.<br />
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No really.<br />
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Hitting the town to look for the famous guide and adventurer Jungle Jim Smith, the gang end up in the local cantina cum nite club, where rough looking locals are enjoying a dance, a drink and a wee bit of gambling on the local racing frogs.<br />
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Bob, having a a bit too much shandy accidentally bumps into the table, knocking over the local hard man's drink but what do you know - everyone is really friendly and polite and to show there's no hard feelings invites the group over to join the frog based fun.<br />
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Could this be a drinks based revenge plan that's going to leave our wannabe explorers penniless, beaten and anally violated?<br />
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Surprisingly no, everyone is genuinely nice and even tho' Jim refuses to go on the trip due to it being 'a bit scary' he helpfully shows them the way on the map.<br />
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Next morning the friends find that all the petrol has been sold to the local monkey hunter, Mr. Geoff Mainwaring and that there won't be another delivery for a week.<br />
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Undeterred our band borrow a boat and head upstream to the monkey farm to find lots of little chimps collapsing due to too much anesthetic in the blow darts used to catch them.<br />
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As luck would have it Peter is a monkey expert and manages to perform mouth to mouth on a particularly ill chimp before sternly asking Mainwaring why he's drugging so many simians, putting them in wooden crates and sending them up river.<br />
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Is he part of an evil monkey slave cult perhaps?<br />
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Unfortunately no, he is, in fact catching the monkeys to send to a local government run sanctuary where they'll be well looked after and fed as many bananas as they can manage.<br />
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Not only that but the money raised by this exercise pays for the treatment needed by the local disabled kids.<br />
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How sweet.<br />
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With this in mind Peter offers to go fetch some more monkeys in exchange for fuel but not before Jemma takes the opportunity to interview a Paul Newman obsessed man about his home head shrinking business.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFfVVC2YgMgFngN3CPlV7kwpR56b7_TaNfhXHJUtQt_R7pGm8AbJRzg-sFw303U4GPhTNowpAB1k4Y4yW-guue06IYI-vlX08TqWzBm4VYSImJga8xPPuUhpfwylmzwP1eRx4Ca38vXpB4/s1600/heads.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="505" data-original-width="850" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFfVVC2YgMgFngN3CPlV7kwpR56b7_TaNfhXHJUtQt_R7pGm8AbJRzg-sFw303U4GPhTNowpAB1k4Y4yW-guue06IYI-vlX08TqWzBm4VYSImJga8xPPuUhpfwylmzwP1eRx4Ca38vXpB4/s400/heads.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">Moooooooonhead.</span></b><br />
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Heading down river in the company of Mainwaring's top monkey catchers, Peter gets a chance to wax lyrical about nature and stuff before putting his survival skills into practice (in what is the movies most exciting sequence) by pulling a cannibalistic fish out of a native's oily anus.<br />
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The action doesn't stop there tho' as Peter, Mark, Fred and Jemma soon find themselves dodging bats in their hunt for monkeys before being taken captive by an angry group of Savage's who have mistaken them for common or garden chimp rustlers.<br />
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Taken back to the natives village Peter is tied to a tree with a spider in his pants whilst Fred is covered in honey and tied next to an anthill, Mark is made to climb a tree in his underwear and Jemma is forced to eat bananas.<br />
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Could this tribe be evil cannibal types preparing to shag, slit and slaughter the youngsters?<br />
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Erm, no sorry.<br />
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Peter, the spider getting nearer to his cock by the second, explains their reason for taking the monkeys resulting in the chief, after rubbing his chin for a second apologizing for the mistake and letting everyone go.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsU7qU82IvWQTVAjs4OLCJWA_8DnZkGeQuwMMp2hpGRI6b_MP6Um8AiVswX5QUqniuG8Pj-S4N0T0Tiw_z8hI6hrStmzDvl7UedyWVJUy-iQYyNpUvVbCdnCzORaKhO_Hfzu7UCGsH5qce/s1600/cannibalyes_1256839235_crop_554x358.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="358" data-original-width="554" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsU7qU82IvWQTVAjs4OLCJWA_8DnZkGeQuwMMp2hpGRI6b_MP6Um8AiVswX5QUqniuG8Pj-S4N0T0Tiw_z8hI6hrStmzDvl7UedyWVJUy-iQYyNpUvVbCdnCzORaKhO_Hfzu7UCGsH5qce/s400/cannibalyes_1256839235_crop_554x358.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">Cannibals of the type not found in this film.</span></b><br />
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With the plane fueled and everyone fed and watered it's time (finally) to head off into the unknown to find Professor Korenz (remember him?) but it's not all plain sailing (or plane flying even with the amount of paddling they end up doing) as the first village they come across has been attacked by gold prospectors who have not only killed all the men but kidnapped a few of the ladies to use for 'the sex'.</div>
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Bastards.<br />
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Enter (oh go on then) the firm of breast and shapely of arse native girl Kuwala (Quintero, never seen again) who begs our teen pals to take on the baddies and rescue her sister.<br />
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Having a few hours to spare they answer with a rousing yes and head off (with Kuwala in tow) to do battle with the gold thieves.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIt__kQAIYqLmmsVfe5var8iaKF-FaM0p1XMWuUmur19D6mrKAmMnQoVqTcdIe3C3qFY96MbJUz5zrDCEubYGc4ULBHCuS67weIktYdffhI9u6mLkNjanEsoG-Wii0e0I_vPteUr9aTZunldUMXfvVuTK_4wHUH2BUn0d0pQZpDFBbtzX83CKC9wzmyLOD/s768/The-Green-Inferno-Cannibal-Holocaust-2-88-Films-02-768x432.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="432" data-original-width="768" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIt__kQAIYqLmmsVfe5var8iaKF-FaM0p1XMWuUmur19D6mrKAmMnQoVqTcdIe3C3qFY96MbJUz5zrDCEubYGc4ULBHCuS67weIktYdffhI9u6mLkNjanEsoG-Wii0e0I_vPteUr9aTZunldUMXfvVuTK_4wHUH2BUn0d0pQZpDFBbtzX83CKC9wzmyLOD/w400-h225/The-Green-Inferno-Cannibal-Holocaust-2-88-Films-02-768x432.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Ladies (of the type found in this film).</b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />
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Following the smell of cheap aftershave and vodka they soon find the prospectors hide-out and Fred, being the more manly of the group launches a daring rescue mission only to get caught, slapped around a bit and threatened with a cock gobbling snake called Matilda.<br />
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Honestly, I couldn't make this shit up.<br />
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It's left to Kuwala to save everyone's arse and this she does in style firstly threatening to shoot the main bad guy before punching the snake in the face and leading everyone back to the plane and leaving the prospectors waving their fists as shouts of "Why I oughta!" fill the air.<br />
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As they head slowly ever further into the jungle Peter provides the entertainment with his constant monotone and nasally drone as he witters endlessly about the Amazon, its wildlife and fauna mixed with plenty of po-faced philosophical musings regarding the nature of existence.<br />
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So it's almost a blessing when they stumble across a cave full of child abductors who spend their spare time drugging kids and selling their organs.<br />
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Yay! finally a chance for some unnecessary violence and scenes of small children in peril!<br />
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Chance would be a fine thing as Mark leads a bloodless rescue mission to save the kids by setting fire to the cave and leading everyone out the back door.<br />
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Except the ones already in boxes so I assume that they burn to death.<br />
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Off screen unfortunately.<br />
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Everything is going swimmingly until Jemma is bitten by a poisonous snake and with no chance of saving her Peter makes the decision to head towards the local tribe to see if they can help.<br />
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But can this tribe be trusted or are they cannibals preparing for a holocaust (or two?).<br />
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Go on, guess.<br />
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That's right, the tribe are really friendly to a point of one of the tribal elders sacrificing himself to aid Jemma's recovery.<br />
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For fucks sake, somebody stab something.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnThHeUN4cH42txMrnvQtFGqnKzuWC48Cfp62z7x1OYyvKw-KzmC6waMCn-RvOYdMPhaBmQZNnZUvdpKFLhDN_JXqaILSI8pXMtvFPSUy-1FLzPRJcB7uG-jfxhEuVXeBG5ApaIELYo_wd/s1600/snake.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="503" data-original-width="850" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnThHeUN4cH42txMrnvQtFGqnKzuWC48Cfp62z7x1OYyvKw-KzmC6waMCn-RvOYdMPhaBmQZNnZUvdpKFLhDN_JXqaILSI8pXMtvFPSUy-1FLzPRJcB7uG-jfxhEuVXeBG5ApaIELYo_wd/s400/snake.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">"Snake on mah cock!"</span></b></td></tr>
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Suddenly as if he's realized that there's only twenty minutes left, Mr. Climati quickly returns to original missing professor plot.<br />
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But is it too little too late?<br />
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I'm certainly not saying, I mean I had to sit thru' this abomination so I don't see why you shouldn't too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQIvJZBZ8D1eJLji3zmQL-Xn5jzIGXUS3UcIfm2vAJRl5x79v0xdMtokpAxk58GHGxM-DVtNBA0lvFsv9ARcm2dGwltqr5Z606C29GF0piWE4gzRECfypDrgjlTEJTdqo65oqRmzqUnoh/s1600/index8.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="255" data-original-width="198" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQIvJZBZ8D1eJLji3zmQL-Xn5jzIGXUS3UcIfm2vAJRl5x79v0xdMtokpAxk58GHGxM-DVtNBA0lvFsv9ARcm2dGwltqr5Z606C29GF0piWE4gzRECfypDrgjlTEJTdqo65oqRmzqUnoh/s400/index8.jpeg" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">The cover, should you wish to<br />purchase it for a loved one.</span></b></td></tr>
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There are some out there that will tell you that Antonio Climati's Green Inferno is a clever, self knowing exercise in twisting the audience's knowledge of the genre to produce the very antithesis of what is expected from a cannibal film, as the viewer is led ever forward into scenes that should end in mindless violence the director usurps our expectations and shows the 'savages' as friendly, noble and more importantly as understanding as you or I.<br />
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Well it's either that or Climati was trying to pull a fast one by marketing this Disney-esque boys own adventure as an honest to goodness gut munching jungle exploitationer (actually marketed in some places as Cannibal Holocaust 2 tho' you've probably gathered that by now) in a bid to make a quick buck.<br />
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But no-one's that cynical surely?<br />
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With my well documented love for Fatal Frames and Zombie Lake I'm probably the wrong person to ask.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMst2rjChgefTOtgmYFwHICcPa0d8iMccMVeeBpOP31mURe6z6gmxdGqOaSVAG07fXZ_xT0f8phJOOJthFzOeMLhiVl3wrhS6ialCigZeXnELVhGA0tdhjqICduldGd_Sb7aEiKYQzcAOI/s1600-h/Cannibal+Holocaust+II%5B%28002156%2922-21-40%5D.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" height="224" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426355547195976690" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMst2rjChgefTOtgmYFwHICcPa0d8iMccMVeeBpOP31mURe6z6gmxdGqOaSVAG07fXZ_xT0f8phJOOJthFzOeMLhiVl3wrhS6ialCigZeXnELVhGA0tdhjqICduldGd_Sb7aEiKYQzcAOI/s400/Cannibal+Holocaust+II%5B(002156)22-21-40%5D.JPG" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;"><a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2009/03/pretty-vacant.html" target="_blank">Yet another movie called Cannibal Holocaust 2.</a> <br />See how many you can find dear reader.</span></div>
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The scariest thing about the movie and it's non offensive feel must be the fact that director Antonio Climati was responsible for the cinematography (and in some cases co-directing duties) on such Italian exploitation movies as Savage Man Savage Beast 2, Africa Blood and Guts, Mondo Cane and the incredible Goodbye Uncle Tom.<br />
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What happened?<br />
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Did he suddenly develop taste or was this his reason for making such offensive nonsense in the first place?<br />
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To fund his dream adventure movie?<br />
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Perhaps we'll never know.<br />
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Sweet dreams and please don't have nightmares.Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-34427118442738844802024-02-24T15:30:00.002+00:002024-02-24T15:30:12.484+00:00peachy keen.<p style="text-align: center;"> <span id="L1">Pour yourself a coffee, cut a slice of cherry pie and celebrate Twin Peaks Day with 90 minutes of Badalamenti beats, sinister soundbites and toe
tapping tunes.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span id="L1"> </span></p>
<iframe width="100%" height="120" src="https://player-widget.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Fpeachy-keen%2F" frameborder="0" ></iframe>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-90381620731730235202024-02-19T18:20:00.003+00:002024-02-19T18:20:41.520+00:00simonetti sounds.<p style="text-align: center;">Celebrate the birthday of the maestro of mayhem himself, Claudio Simonetti with this maniacal mix of deep red rhythms, tenebrae tune-age and black gloved beats....</p><p style="text-align: center;">click <a href="https://www.mediafire.com/file/6l50uu0te3120ud/goblinmegamix.zip/file" target="_blank">here</a> to download. <br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz2dCOrgmaiQTfdoL33Jua_1jc9xYR5rHPmPH4RHdnjOw4IHBaRTtdUlLuA73_P-hKJNr-ypZW2wJObrSTWAz3P-hNljf_dsplnu85dSSv1nZiThbMG8BAujPuXDLK-mJBb7v-E8NN4HXOObUau7S0fqcv4xMTzwfbzcmDdx7dzRcX6ntewLh0v7a6J1h-/s3508/cs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3508" data-original-width="2479" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz2dCOrgmaiQTfdoL33Jua_1jc9xYR5rHPmPH4RHdnjOw4IHBaRTtdUlLuA73_P-hKJNr-ypZW2wJObrSTWAz3P-hNljf_dsplnu85dSSv1nZiThbMG8BAujPuXDLK-mJBb7v-E8NN4HXOObUau7S0fqcv4xMTzwfbzcmDdx7dzRcX6ntewLh0v7a6J1h-/w283-h400/cs.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-64746167636363568452024-02-06T09:30:00.000+00:002024-02-06T22:15:20.622+00:00how green is my valley?<p>Sad to hear that The Valeyard himself, Sir Michael of Jayston has died so in way of a tribute I present (again) this review of probably his finest film performance - well his finest where he sports a rather fetching pair of obscenely tight track suit trousers whilst knocking back Joan Collins' sexual advances.</p><p>
As is the way with these twisty tales I wont give too much away for fear of spoiling the terrific twists.<br />
<br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">So without further ado it's on with the review and remember
this...there's nothing you can do to prevent the catharsis of spurious
morality on display here.
</p><p style="text-align: left;"> </p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEKjyI2Wk5kVjGgjqU4pYiJAjyYdmdloWbBV_wNg9P5JInkyOKQerL_jwU-7Al-7ldFwxF5YsCjWKi83_zXc-O1nU2rd0QQ5vVfLb8pyvxjP5xPLBNFDy5ey7xtkjB4dB7vCbFN_CClozE1vNOvGlGzlxNlpSekjODMZXWniPf3Ie9E2kQ8JU2q_VU3Vt6/s666/ultimate%20-%20446x666.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="666" data-original-width="446" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEKjyI2Wk5kVjGgjqU4pYiJAjyYdmdloWbBV_wNg9P5JInkyOKQerL_jwU-7Al-7ldFwxF5YsCjWKi83_zXc-O1nU2rd0QQ5vVfLb8pyvxjP5xPLBNFDy5ey7xtkjB4dB7vCbFN_CClozE1vNOvGlGzlxNlpSekjODMZXWniPf3Ie9E2kQ8JU2q_VU3Vt6/w268-h400/ultimate%20-%20446x666.jpg" width="268" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p style="text-align: left;"> </p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><p style="text-align: left;">
Tales That Witness Madness (1973).<br />
Dir:
Freddie Francis.<br />
Cast: Donald Pleasence, Jack Hawkins, Russell Lewis, Donald Houston, Georgia Brown, Peter McEnery, Frank Forsyth, Suzy Kendall, Michael Jayston, Joan Collins, Kim Novak, David Wood, Michael Petrovich, Mary Tamm, Leon Lissek and Zohra Sehgal.<br /></p><p style="text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnalR1rcRZtl8o1KesYOXW2ZZB3vV7AVQ0g6PtPwTZOIsTR1hVwGI3IX3UeOmIweh1BrNtsX99gDUs-HGWZFKe-Pv4B7HdqDuqaxy_Oup0vQF0PO4e-AmCNDZHRT5pirf77YvJOjUTG1KX/s1600/tales-that-witness-madness_poster.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnalR1rcRZtl8o1KesYOXW2ZZB3vV7AVQ0g6PtPwTZOIsTR1hVwGI3IX3UeOmIweh1BrNtsX99gDUs-HGWZFKe-Pv4B7HdqDuqaxy_Oup0vQF0PO4e-AmCNDZHRT5pirf77YvJOjUTG1KX/s400/tales-that-witness-madness_poster.jpg" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>It happens beyond madness - where your mind won't believe what your eyes see.
</i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Welcome one and all to HMP Shadynook where posh car driving Dr. Paul Nicholas (Hawkins - dubbed by Charles Gray - in his last film role) is about to have a very pressing meeting with his erstwhile college Dr. Jeff Tremayne (Pleasence, I'm assuming you know who he is), the psychiatrist in charge of the high tech (for 1973) facilities.<br />
<br />
It seems that Tremayne may have discovered the cause of madness or, at the very least the reasons as to why his four favourite patients are locked up in the first place.<br />
<br />
I mean it's late at night so it must be important or it could wait till morning.<br />
<br />
Either that or Tremayne is a wee bit theatrical and feels that portmanteau horror works best in the dark.<br />
<br />
Let's not waste time on semantics tho' as we've got a frightening foursome of fearsome tales to tell.<br />
<br />
The first focusing on a tiny baw-headed boy named Paul (Lewis who bizarrely enough went on to create as well as write the Inspector Morse spin-off Endeavor) who spends his days sitting at a tiny piano asking for plates of meat and/or bones.<br />
<br />
Must be from the West Midlands.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuXE1oicKdO_gN05Vc-JHxUguA95Ovh1tsOuQGHfsXzXiPydbRN_zToFZ-Qq3WMJQlsPZF-3nxTAzFtUpsktljHxicxZOD8fgSiBX4f9Ujpi_Jrg0UjEw5UfKYOrx-9U3zG1GQlEf4WJ9k/s1600/tales.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuXE1oicKdO_gN05Vc-JHxUguA95Ovh1tsOuQGHfsXzXiPydbRN_zToFZ-Qq3WMJQlsPZF-3nxTAzFtUpsktljHxicxZOD8fgSiBX4f9Ujpi_Jrg0UjEw5UfKYOrx-9U3zG1GQlEf4WJ9k/s400/tales.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Inside Elton John's mind....</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
As it happens poor Paul is a sensitive wee boy who in an attempt to shield himself from his parents - the terrifyingly angry and scarily ginger Sam<br />
(Brit TeeVee stalwart Houston) and drunken uber-MiLF Fay (British cabaret cum jazz songstress Brown in a fantastic collection of hip-hugging outfits) - befriends an imaginary tiger that lives under his bed.<br />
<br />
<br />
Whilst his slightly pervy home tutor Phillipe (Wood from shit-loads of stuff, go on check) feels that it's normal for a boy his age to have an imaginary friend, his sozzled mum thinks he's a bit of a mentalist which is as good an excuse as any to have her hit the bottle for breakfast.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Shouty Sam doesn't care one way or the other tho' seeing as he's far too busy attending meetings and standing in the hall complaining about things.<br />
<br />
Nothing specific mind, just things in general.<br />
<br />
It's only when Paul begins to leave plates of chicken bones on his bedroom floor and stealing the Sunday joint from the fridge that his parents decide to finally have a word with him about 'Mr Tiger'.<br />
<br />
Who, as mentioned earlier doesn't really exist.<br />
<br />
No not at all.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmHPBPgWDN7NpvB3JDZH5ITJ5UdrwYB_DpeEuRsLJGjPL6pDJfpY6oWG9bXgOjuom72TzwOWM3MpMAfHeq3aTYUZ1so68S_PZAOZu2b8smQmr3zXTdc_vXoEkRAHw7NcrCWSGkXdh8ra2K/s1600/95170125420405325535_thumb.png.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmHPBPgWDN7NpvB3JDZH5ITJ5UdrwYB_DpeEuRsLJGjPL6pDJfpY6oWG9bXgOjuom72TzwOWM3MpMAfHeq3aTYUZ1so68S_PZAOZu2b8smQmr3zXTdc_vXoEkRAHw7NcrCWSGkXdh8ra2K/s400/95170125420405325535_thumb.png.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>That bike I'm always on about parking.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Next up is the sorry tale of groovy antique store owner Timothy Poshman (Mr Sloane himself and star of the fantastic Le Orme McEnery) - alongside his girlfriend Ann (Kendall from Torso and Bird With A Crystal Plumage) - is busy sorting thru' the boxes of tat left to him by his old Aunt Sally in her will which alongside the usual cabinets, cups and crappy knitted toilet roll holders also includes a poppy-eyed portrait of a distant relative called Uncle Albert (Forsyth who, according to IMDB has been in more dodgy stuff than your dad) as well as his beloved penny farthing bicycle.<br />
<br />
Tidying up for the evening in preparation for a well deserved Pot Noodle Timothy is shocked to find himself being inextricably compelled to mount his uncles bicycle and start pedaling.<br />
<br />
No really.<br />
<br />
But that's not the strangest part.<br />
<br />
It seems that - in a kinda proto-Back To The Future/Quantum Leap way - Timothy's frantic pedal power actually causes the bike to not only travel back in time to the 1800's but for Timothy to enter Albert's body.<br />
<br />
Not in a sexual way tho'.<br />
<br />
Taking it all in his stride (and quite a lot of it up his arse judging by the bike seat) Timothy enjoys a quite ride around the park before coming across (phnar) the beautiful Beatrice (Kendall again but this time she's wearing a large hat), who it turns out was/is Albert's true love.<br />
<br />
Beatrice tho' is worried, she's been having dreams that a terrible fate will befall her love and is sure that her premonition will come true.<br />
<br />
Has Timothy time traveled to steer the couple to togetherness or is something more sinister (and slightly incomprehensible) afoot?<br />
<br />
Who knows because to be honest we really don't have the time to dwell on such minutiae seeing as we've another two tales to get thru' so it's confused time travel shenanigans and exploding plates galore as the story lurches toward it's confused and nonsensical climax.<br />
<br />
At least Suzy Kendall looks pretty.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEDVaO88gpwsaZ8r9dYqjQHjg0fnYICd6i1a2Q8zg1pwbaAAAh6LjaBkR_T4eZuo3NELTwkXexgTCy8cE4wUkNrmD2q4VyQW8yc5xKX9Xlmg_noV944LujCfhpDGtd4HEAQhGotVrAV9FK/s1600/57dc2e4a7dc59df326f7137f1560ab9e.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEDVaO88gpwsaZ8r9dYqjQHjg0fnYICd6i1a2Q8zg1pwbaAAAh6LjaBkR_T4eZuo3NELTwkXexgTCy8cE4wUkNrmD2q4VyQW8yc5xKX9Xlmg_noV944LujCfhpDGtd4HEAQhGotVrAV9FK/s400/57dc2e4a7dc59df326f7137f1560ab9e.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="st"><i><b>Michael Jayston attempts to prevent the catharsis of spurious morality yesterday.</b></i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
And taking of pretty we're suddenly transported by the power of wibbly-wobbly flashback to the English countryside (probably the big field behind the studio) where tight-trackied and bouncy bummed Brian Thompson (The Valeyard himself, Jayston) is jogging thru' the bushes on his way home from the shops or something.<br />
<br />
Tho' he may be just jogging for fun.<br />
<br />
Who knows?<br />
<br />
None of that is important tho' as it's really just an excuse for him to come across (not in that way, well not yet) a bizarre shaped dead tree he finds propped up against a fence.<br />
<br />
Exactly like your mom on a Saturday night.<br />
<br />
Brian, taken aback by it's 'natural beauty' (as in it looks like it has breasts and a face-mounted vagina....no seriously, just look at the pic) carries it home and mounts it (again, not in that way just now) in the living room much to the chagrin of his beautiful (in a non- wooden way - never thought I'd say that about Joan Collins) wife Bella. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgip7rpI2uxCK8HRoD2Uk2X8nbmCj6l7SU5DAOBiZlqmiuNVOm6XVYRwCUQpxMkd9DuZ8Js8RO_2OrvyPWHIjdCzHz9uJNcZazLXloOTOVZjowM_ylywpkrfNDNnou7aTunQ_u1OSFxr4kU/s1600/Tales04.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgip7rpI2uxCK8HRoD2Uk2X8nbmCj6l7SU5DAOBiZlqmiuNVOm6XVYRwCUQpxMkd9DuZ8Js8RO_2OrvyPWHIjdCzHz9uJNcZazLXloOTOVZjowM_ylywpkrfNDNnou7aTunQ_u1OSFxr4kU/s400/Tales04.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Admit it, you would.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
As her hubbie begins to spend very waking moment preening and polishing the tree - which he's named Mel due to it having, well the word MEL carved into it - trimming its bush, sanding its curves etc. Bella becomes evermore jealous, first hitting the bottle and then hitting the bed in quite possibly the sexiest babydoll nightie ever (complete with a yummy pink hair-bow....meow) in the hope of winning back her husbands heart.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhXitSd_buqtqDzxm1g5Yt9pD5QNfDyYab0CyCP8rW7-HKPmXh82RlxI_DT-w14j_vxIhYZpK7vrS80Elva6va5xAuh28IroCvqUPjJvJTxHLRMInUhAlkgypeS0xbkYwqX5V8CfahMiC6/s1600/jc.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhXitSd_buqtqDzxm1g5Yt9pD5QNfDyYab0CyCP8rW7-HKPmXh82RlxI_DT-w14j_vxIhYZpK7vrS80Elva6va5xAuh28IroCvqUPjJvJTxHLRMInUhAlkgypeS0xbkYwqX5V8CfahMiC6/s400/jc.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>I would, you would, your granddad did. Twice.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Realizing that if it's good enough for Shatner it's bloody well good enough for him Brian heads off to the bedroom to treat Bella to an altogether different type of wood leaving Mel weeping green puss onto the living room carpet.<br />
<br />
Later that night Bella is tormented by vivid dreams of tree-based violation culminating in her nightie getting ripped by twigs and her breasts popping out.<br />
<br />
It's not too surprising then that upon awakening she storms into the living room with an axe intent on proving she's the lady of the house once and for all..... <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTK0C-yX3yyMwNUV4wn2I08LBauZ_Hx9n0CGiIr55CbgpLuBBBiGpeLMZuFTzKUuhOmEKi69UVF5bROltmsWZXKICsE7buuiN3b-Osw0NcPTecPw265KIPD45lfSE1lXolgXNpgTiL2haj/s1600/1280x720-FdH.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTK0C-yX3yyMwNUV4wn2I08LBauZ_Hx9n0CGiIr55CbgpLuBBBiGpeLMZuFTzKUuhOmEKi69UVF5bROltmsWZXKICsE7buuiN3b-Osw0NcPTecPw265KIPD45lfSE1lXolgXNpgTiL2haj/s400/1280x720-FdH.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Lady Gaga's cucumber suit cheered up a slightly depressed Phil Collins no end.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Back at the asylum Tremayne is excitedly introducing Nicholas to his most interesting - and complicated - case.<br />
<br />
Tho' what can be more interesting than an ex-Doctor Who villain fucking a tree is beyond me.<br />
<br />
Anyway whilst you think about that we're off to Polynesia where the bequiffed and man-boobed best-selling author Dave Kimo (Petrovich who you may remember as Tito
in <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2011/07/gobble-my-neighbours.html" target="_blank">Turkey Shoot</a>) is listening intently as his dying mum explains the secrets of eternal life to him whilst overdubbed bongo drums are played in the background by a variety of facepainted extras.<br />
<br />
So fair so racist.<br />
<br />
Having spent a life free of women, wine and low-waist trousers (and mirrors by the look of his barnet) Kimo has one thing left to do if he wishes to not only attain enlightenment but also guarantee his dear old mum a safe passage to the afterlife.<br />
<br />
And that involves appeasing the Polynesian god of sideburns by performing the mysterious 'Luau' ceremony.<br />
<br />
But for this Kimo needs a virgin. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihSND99yAaCOgCy1lF0mNcPpGXhBGdzk_q1e8WwKT0FDjL72K1Nx-CCXzqkWPY4EEKu1q3kf6miDe_Hs4kfs9tuw9XJLuKbS39eC7M7z5nhjKHzgR9M1TYxUwJl4Jnlh1ofI4aG0k4e3Q2/s1600/tumblr_nmc6bvLPKw1u8zgodo1_500.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihSND99yAaCOgCy1lF0mNcPpGXhBGdzk_q1e8WwKT0FDjL72K1Nx-CCXzqkWPY4EEKu1q3kf6miDe_Hs4kfs9tuw9XJLuKbS39eC7M7z5nhjKHzgR9M1TYxUwJl4Jnlh1ofI4aG0k4e3Q2/s400/tumblr_nmc6bvLPKw1u8zgodo1_500.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Mary Tamm: Fancy trainers not shown.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Meanwhile back in dear old blighty the frightening frocked literary agent, Auriol - bless you - Pageant (an off her tits on prescription meds Novak), is excitedly preparing for Kimo's promotional book tour.<br />
<br />
Having already booked him to do Loose Women and Summertime Special she's decided that what the tour really needs is a massive Hawaiian themed party to show her appreciation of his talent.<br />
<br />
And if that results in her getting him pissed and touching his flaccid (I imagine) member then so be it.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately on arriving in the UK Kimo seems much more interested in Auriol's beautiful young - as in school age....t'was a different time - daughter Ginny (Time Lady in waiting Tamm).<br />
<br />
Tho' to be honest who can really blame him?<br />
<br />
Things go from uncomfortable to slightly annoying tho' when it transpires that the local butcher can't get enough pigs meat for the party (really), luckily Kimo's servant Barry Keoki (hardworking Lissek who's been in everything from Shogun to Time Bandits via EastEnders...busy bloke) just happens to have a suitcase full of butchers knifes with him and excitedly offers to take over the party planning and source some 'special meat' for the celebration himself.<br />
<br />
You can see where this is going can't you?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs8aEFhv61ugWrRe1RP73kZy9hRaB5_SpAfBRPzrlUgErau_ffS3sThu6uGY5FXuEcZPJfpAhg_8AEJYbvIg_Kv9dKSpRaRrDvQMH5RIBTz7AziknqQvoas0zCRbsAek-BAXPTnJmLQXnv/s1600/5284243870_161f76839a_z.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs8aEFhv61ugWrRe1RP73kZy9hRaB5_SpAfBRPzrlUgErau_ffS3sThu6uGY5FXuEcZPJfpAhg_8AEJYbvIg_Kv9dKSpRaRrDvQMH5RIBTz7AziknqQvoas0zCRbsAek-BAXPTnJmLQXnv/s400/5284243870_161f76839a_z.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Put it in me!</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Will Keoki cook poor Ginny and serve her up to the guests?<br />
<br />
Will they eat her whole?<br />
<br />
Or spit that bit out?<br />
<br />
Will Dr Tremayne convince Nicholas that his experiments are a success or will the poor guy be himself declared insane before being dragged off to a padded cell setting up a bizarro ending featuring grainy stock footage of a tiger menacing an obviously unwell Jack Hawkins?<br />
<br />
And will the image of Michael Jayston outrageously flirting with a polystyrene tree ever stop haunting my dreams?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnvYHaFOS0oaRMxHsD9psb8fzUKy3vwX_fbQWclGOHUg2nREvHV3-zi7IflX8J5SrsCU_KYcYEtthp3HwtWa4Td6WVaiMjiBtJc8twCv9E1R-cQ-yppr0NTu-McRq4kSfd3z2kcKmU-9zD/s1600/tales1a.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnvYHaFOS0oaRMxHsD9psb8fzUKy3vwX_fbQWclGOHUg2nREvHV3-zi7IflX8J5SrsCU_KYcYEtthp3HwtWa4Td6WVaiMjiBtJc8twCv9E1R-cQ-yppr0NTu-McRq4kSfd3z2kcKmU-9zD/s400/tales1a.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<span class="s2">Taking in a multitude of influences ranging from EC Comics to Robert Bloch via Gardeners Question Time, veteran Hammer and Amicus director Freddie Francis hits all the right notes - and the bottle by the look of things - with this frankly bonkers tale of tigers, trees and teen-based tea time terror.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="s2"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDYGqe-DemXLU2OIih-8zQygE2B8E8rjX-YKbHRZFymdJ9mCRhLedGxXs5Jp805dv9bOFOwS2QDOkJUwnBUlqiq8xgsWCL94V2io0mnTPmx3bIjjHbB-EOZ-hAef14q6sQl0KkzW_eNlHs/s1600/Jennifer-Jayne-Feet-2157415.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDYGqe-DemXLU2OIih-8zQygE2B8E8rjX-YKbHRZFymdJ9mCRhLedGxXs5Jp805dv9bOFOwS2QDOkJUwnBUlqiq8xgsWCL94V2io0mnTPmx3bIjjHbB-EOZ-hAef14q6sQl0KkzW_eNlHs/s400/Jennifer-Jayne-Feet-2157415.jpg" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Jennifer Jayne: Any excuse. </b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></div>
<br />
<span class="s2">With a script from</span> Dr Terror’s House of Horrors babe Jennifer Jayne (using the name Jay Fairbank due to women not being allowed to write spooky stuff in the 70s....go on check, it was the law), TTWM is at once as brilliantly bizarre as it is frustrating - and whilst not every story works there is at least something to enjoy in each.<br />
<br />
Whether it be the fantastic fashions of Collins and Brown, Mary Tamm's ample arse or even Kim Novak attempting to subtly emote whilst dosed up on Ketamine and dressed as a comedy vegetable, there's something here for everyone.<br />
<br />
Yes even fans of Victorian bicycles. <br />
<br />
And I've not even mentioned the fantastic sight of Michael Jayston attempting to seduce a tree that just happens to be lying in his bed.<br />
<br />
Well not for a few paragraphs anyway.<br />
<br />
Plus any film that features a proto-Evil Dead style tree violation shot in the style (and colours) of a Debenhams Christmas ad is at least worth a few minutes of your time.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJKWpKa92cIDojTA5WzaKWZx_8ogsgb3O5ZC93l34xJZ5I0f2PlVy_oIW8BUziezSn1nPgroPBW-9OCGJgqqx5JbktDWduiN7pgXjGBA1FF2mbJXpfrHynNGttD2nyDCqyacy3EgycoDKF/s1600/tales07.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJKWpKa92cIDojTA5WzaKWZx_8ogsgb3O5ZC93l34xJZ5I0f2PlVy_oIW8BUziezSn1nPgroPBW-9OCGJgqqx5JbktDWduiN7pgXjGBA1FF2mbJXpfrHynNGttD2nyDCqyacy3EgycoDKF/s400/tales07.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Leaf me alone you beast!" Seriously this is quite possibly THE most erotic thing I have ever seen.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Criminally underrated and almost as hard to find as Lord Lucan, TTWM is well worth a watch, especially if you have a bottle - or two - of gin handy.<br />
<br />
Oh and probably a box of tissues too.<br />
<br />
Bloody bonkersly brilliant.Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-12528323270189949222024-02-04T12:18:00.006+00:002024-02-04T12:18:36.883+00:00rave from the grave.<p style="text-align: center;"> Celebrating the birthday of the king of the undead - George A Romero with this <span id="L1">creepy cacophony of corpse based floor fillers.... </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span id="L1">Stay scared!</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span id="L1"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2csIwmqtr7vb_62uRZiUn8Iu2feFSjqBtESbgiSNZOearHi4VGAwAC9xMEPlQrPczRD9_kbk0buSYZlGxpBXumfdCaRBj2t72PQW9bp4pEdw1zRkWxui_50sXedcWNg_rX1HLiDOrTkMnHp0GGUXbunAjkKPZQJTZ6AMyhZG5FdlXn18m2YiiuAvINPi/s3508/romerocol2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3508" data-original-width="2479" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB2csIwmqtr7vb_62uRZiUn8Iu2feFSjqBtESbgiSNZOearHi4VGAwAC9xMEPlQrPczRD9_kbk0buSYZlGxpBXumfdCaRBj2t72PQW9bp4pEdw1zRkWxui_50sXedcWNg_rX1HLiDOrTkMnHp0GGUXbunAjkKPZQJTZ6AMyhZG5FdlXn18m2YiiuAvINPi/w283-h400/romerocol2.jpeg" width="283" /></a></div><br /> <br /><p></p>
<iframe width="100%" height="120" src="https://player-widget.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Fundeck-beats%2F" frameborder="0" ></iframe>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-61201795778479462802024-01-22T15:16:00.008+00:002024-01-22T15:16:56.995+00:00flyboy...over and out.<p style="text-align: center;"> In tribute to David Emge - <span><span>Stephen "Flyboy" Andrews in George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span><span></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGpJkSl3i0lRsAjxriDzqiHhWKSHilTcHLu22wAhdJLG2SiepI5A5pA8a-fWXNPGQx7HTPD0YBv21nJ9lpfuOcE504-U67s4UHfSWh43H6bIIm5sMto7QlUwpeOGGXLMZGZ5u1mXYzKLP1WzgsxIm_0lCcbGHCp-EcPsVF6e6WN_WrH3uC8OMpjqCAjGy/s1110/fb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1110" data-original-width="814" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGpJkSl3i0lRsAjxriDzqiHhWKSHilTcHLu22wAhdJLG2SiepI5A5pA8a-fWXNPGQx7HTPD0YBv21nJ9lpfuOcE504-U67s4UHfSWh43H6bIIm5sMto7QlUwpeOGGXLMZGZ5u1mXYzKLP1WzgsxIm_0lCcbGHCp-EcPsVF6e6WN_WrH3uC8OMpjqCAjGy/w294-h400/fb.jpg" width="294" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqc31PmjTT0HIoXm26rbfYZtbNj_SqdyZtce-PYmI8t-kS-v3tKuTmcSfgwvli7KfarcQ2pmTdMv7G94lVDlkUdZ2j0LAWC4Me42IBTCbipyzdmslsVWoZLzuZcWdUcKJQqr2R5qBgdQ4AfVvh_Ay5V14Wi10S-yJc77efCBvY_RzbyczOXkVZshDQ4WrQ/s400/20112113.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="300" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqc31PmjTT0HIoXm26rbfYZtbNj_SqdyZtce-PYmI8t-kS-v3tKuTmcSfgwvli7KfarcQ2pmTdMv7G94lVDlkUdZ2j0LAWC4Me42IBTCbipyzdmslsVWoZLzuZcWdUcKJQqr2R5qBgdQ4AfVvh_Ay5V14Wi10S-yJc77efCBvY_RzbyczOXkVZshDQ4WrQ/w300-h400/20112113.webp" width="300" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfFq_nxhU-RggsXwWJgrEsRL3RK2uAkWPDMofofHX0C0cqqvGeNdPbt8n3XVXOjotX4bm8qjAc5_-OIviLRyh7PdMp_8Rdz3eacyi8QgPSxtScYwOAFdTh-sG2Fy879tadsnaG4pFiq6ItM6gBur3tN-ccMAOb_gKHDfTUNAN53skYhkGl1Ua4y-houPuA/s468/124120655_e9b8ca.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="248" data-original-width="468" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfFq_nxhU-RggsXwWJgrEsRL3RK2uAkWPDMofofHX0C0cqqvGeNdPbt8n3XVXOjotX4bm8qjAc5_-OIviLRyh7PdMp_8Rdz3eacyi8QgPSxtScYwOAFdTh-sG2Fy879tadsnaG4pFiq6ItM6gBur3tN-ccMAOb_gKHDfTUNAN53skYhkGl1Ua4y-houPuA/w400-h213/124120655_e9b8ca.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjinHABmzaeFV6Kj1ou_7hTQ2IGByaRIXKRIfLAS3GoV23rXcBwCszrkQXuxnpaT0CTBbnjVB8C9a7tgdUjLmIj88efHFlXc0ZzvHh14YgTgUrb6ZxAnyO-1vRX8aSPTvFkI_C-VaCDZ2Q2Lgw8ESjnI-cOLb1bfXHEgBQ5GR21K_h2B5ThA_1gssNiCr7k/s720/B4v8JTxCcAAWMSU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="437" data-original-width="720" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjinHABmzaeFV6Kj1ou_7hTQ2IGByaRIXKRIfLAS3GoV23rXcBwCszrkQXuxnpaT0CTBbnjVB8C9a7tgdUjLmIj88efHFlXc0ZzvHh14YgTgUrb6ZxAnyO-1vRX8aSPTvFkI_C-VaCDZ2Q2Lgw8ESjnI-cOLb1bfXHEgBQ5GR21K_h2B5ThA_1gssNiCr7k/w400-h243/B4v8JTxCcAAWMSU.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsTr15VMiG7QaQs_ZcyqAwi90X-mmkpLD5__Z314xhavJ7Bp6pcRbu7dfjICVLfOJjDUDGF_JDYWhEhspit79zNyzItvNiaV-MvvzBpe5bevScvTVvEsLvLagrmIUyiXNxjAYFiebQj5hvFgX_6QC39Qm4SzCLErmWiJbCUxQQ2n8UnkfBLGPbSzI8nAnK/s1600/david-emge_2953959.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1285" data-original-width="1600" height="321" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsTr15VMiG7QaQs_ZcyqAwi90X-mmkpLD5__Z314xhavJ7Bp6pcRbu7dfjICVLfOJjDUDGF_JDYWhEhspit79zNyzItvNiaV-MvvzBpe5bevScvTVvEsLvLagrmIUyiXNxjAYFiebQj5hvFgX_6QC39Qm4SzCLErmWiJbCUxQQ2n8UnkfBLGPbSzI8nAnK/w400-h321/david-emge_2953959.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ8XpxR-xtqaP9FMXYTf0_08v8B4b4nnLJVNsDeWQVvt19BUo2A2elQkpLXGmIl4XauBy7GK_Y4QqExz4vbWf0x5oAF3FUuVNrHHVRPwoktLd0lB2h_nlTxYdGyeEJERJUin0rVFqoc3u-peqrieh2aFuPDqY2X-YWXUxqDE1U1a8jpM0dyqHrDFBTnSgF/s301/Untitled.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="167" data-original-width="301" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ8XpxR-xtqaP9FMXYTf0_08v8B4b4nnLJVNsDeWQVvt19BUo2A2elQkpLXGmIl4XauBy7GK_Y4QqExz4vbWf0x5oAF3FUuVNrHHVRPwoktLd0lB2h_nlTxYdGyeEJERJUin0rVFqoc3u-peqrieh2aFuPDqY2X-YWXUxqDE1U1a8jpM0dyqHrDFBTnSgF/w400-h222/Untitled.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6F1zuguumgc0kZQq7A3BLydOpOJgUPGXYLc1srxu-OXzUY2ZbsGggrr_exdjqOL1aGjU8ZXL7bs52Y3aq9nQ62lbNe5BuOsqzVz3srBNNer8sHD19TYflJ7RVNsSPgE0rWDkiHL4i1rfVUZkz-Pl1tuAk1acaBGaKjp3yDlhWm3Wjr11RzSpUKpvrTzpk/s900/MV5BNWUxODI1ZWEtN2I2ZS00MWQ1LTg2ZTYtNDY3NTg2NzgyMzYyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTAyNDQ2NjI@._V1_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="900" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6F1zuguumgc0kZQq7A3BLydOpOJgUPGXYLc1srxu-OXzUY2ZbsGggrr_exdjqOL1aGjU8ZXL7bs52Y3aq9nQ62lbNe5BuOsqzVz3srBNNer8sHD19TYflJ7RVNsSPgE0rWDkiHL4i1rfVUZkz-Pl1tuAk1acaBGaKjp3yDlhWm3Wjr11RzSpUKpvrTzpk/w400-h134/MV5BNWUxODI1ZWEtN2I2ZS00MWQ1LTg2ZTYtNDY3NTg2NzgyMzYyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTAyNDQ2NjI@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-44397049819502016702024-01-20T10:02:00.006+00:002024-01-20T10:02:41.208+00:00lynched.<p><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-0-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-0-0"><span data-text="true"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-0-0"><span data-text="true"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7sjdukn7GjCX2Fh5a9LvHLnLYmFI2iVb7b1kiPzQ8zcXkKXfup2X96zjlS59_vPc20GdZtb4agks8xlZk9PItuNiqrIZfhuzlIdgbnJ_674bAe587_UogQY5gpcT2yJW56X_tG10SKd5PvBFeRKFdjzzb2tdskb_e_Mjo_tmI6PjxcDH00jWdo_536K2r/s3507/dl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3507" data-original-width="2480" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7sjdukn7GjCX2Fh5a9LvHLnLYmFI2iVb7b1kiPzQ8zcXkKXfup2X96zjlS59_vPc20GdZtb4agks8xlZk9PItuNiqrIZfhuzlIdgbnJ_674bAe587_UogQY5gpcT2yJW56X_tG10SKd5PvBFeRKFdjzzb2tdskb_e_Mjo_tmI6PjxcDH00jWdo_536K2r/w283-h400/dl.jpg" width="283" /></a></span></span></div><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-0-0"><span data-text="true"><br /> </span></span><p></p><p><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-0-0"><span data-text="true">Pour yourself a coffee, cut a slice of cherry pie and celebrate </span></span>David Lynch's birthday<span data-offset-key="aj0ke-2-0"><span data-text="true"> with 90 minutes of Badalamenti beats, sinister soundbites and toe tapping tunes....</span></span></p><p><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-2-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></p><p><span data-offset-key="aj0ke-2-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></p>
<iframe frameborder="0" height="120" src="https://www.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Fpeachy-keen%2F" width="100%"></iframe>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-66472032594813278122024-01-20T08:30:00.000+00:002024-01-20T10:04:01.297+00:00eggs and baker.<b></b><br />
Scarily both Dame David Lynch and Sir Tom of Baker have their birthdays today so what better way to celebrate than with a film where the aforementioned ex-Time Lord plays a character called Mr Lynch?<br />
<br />
<br />
The Mutations (AKA Doctor of Evil, The Freakmaker, The Mutation. 1974).<br />
Dir: Jack Cardiff.<br />
Donald Pleasence, Tom Baker, Brad Harris, Julie Ege, Michael Dunn, Scott Antony, Jill Haworth, Olga Anthony, Esther Blackmon, Hugh Bailey, Felix Duarte and Willie Ingram the pop eyed man.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8K_kOoSSsvPT3r7g-Bmmy0Vjz39R-k2O6nHvtCpIZEKhTs2W3q2FR_iltAg3ciGsmEXI8O0hUOZ5AB6UMtPD_bPQ9_wgrdrSt9wMlSWvff9EKTETk4ylYLmV8L-Dp6t1bkkTP1HQB1Ufn/s1600-h/6172K0QEB4L._SL500.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302229892087132098" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8K_kOoSSsvPT3r7g-Bmmy0Vjz39R-k2O6nHvtCpIZEKhTs2W3q2FR_iltAg3ciGsmEXI8O0hUOZ5AB6UMtPD_bPQ9_wgrdrSt9wMlSWvff9EKTETk4ylYLmV8L-Dp6t1bkkTP1HQB1Ufn/s400/6172K0QEB4L._SL500.jpg" style="display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 276px;" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Professor Nick Nolter (Pleasence, looking not unlike a egg dipped in treacle) is just your average everyday science lecturer at some nameless English polytechnic splitting his time between teaching over forties who want to get better qualifications to get back into work (well from the look of the cast this seems to be the case) and conducting frankly bonkers experiments in an attempt to create a human/plant hybrid.<br />
<br />
As you do.<br />
<br />
But the professor needs a fresh supply of people to work on, so to this end he employs the fucked of face, scraggy haired Mr. Lynch (A pre-Doctor Who Dame Tom of Baker), a stinky ne'er do well who just happens to co-own the local carnival, to help him out.<br />
<br />
Lynch happily obtains young men and women for Nolter's mad experiments on the understanding that one day the professor will fix his face for him.<br />
<br />
Sounds legit. <br />
<br />
Anyway with the basic plot out of the way it's back to the Restart classes where three trendy 'young' students; blonde buxom Hedi (Ege from shitloads of stuff including your granddads bed), luscious Lauren (the bobble headed beauty Haworth star of <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/portland-bill.html" target="_blank">Tower of Evil</a>) and Tony (Antony, from Ken Russell's Savage Messiah) have decided to have a word with the visiting scholar - and token American hunk - Dr. Brian Redford (B movie lunk Harris from The Mad Butcher amongst other classics) regarding the rumours they've heard about Nolter’s research.<br />
<br />
Being a nosy bugger Redford agrees to look into it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPkyuCbk8J3xD8dTMagZAtSbSlqyiDMnnWKNMpcOLhu8szNRD1JBaqAbj12kSuKTyg9FOehoc2nRnUq_TptoZYffc1Oq5Ke2RfLAm8JAEcvb_YHgrcwDAW2dJxTs146Atz7_1leHsNcwdC/s1600/843-13214.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPkyuCbk8J3xD8dTMagZAtSbSlqyiDMnnWKNMpcOLhu8szNRD1JBaqAbj12kSuKTyg9FOehoc2nRnUq_TptoZYffc1Oq5Ke2RfLAm8JAEcvb_YHgrcwDAW2dJxTs146Atz7_1leHsNcwdC/s400/843-13214.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Shite in mah....oh, someone already has".</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="font-style: italic; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Meanwhile back at the carnival the employees are a wee bit unhappy.<br />
<br />
And not just because they all smell of cabbage.<br />
<br />
Nope, it seems that they're getting a tad suspicious at the amount of new freaks suddenly appearing.<br />
<br />
Lynch's partner, a pre-Simpsons Mr. Burns (Dunn, who sadly died at the age of 38 during production not long after completing all his scenes. As a plus point it did mean that he didn't have to sit thru' it) tries to calm his regular workers by saying he put an ad in the paper and an entire family from Cradley Heath turned up for the job.<br />
<br />
Could he be lying?<br />
<br />
All this talk of bearded ladies and tiny men in hats is beginning to annoy Lynch tho' who vents his frustration on the tent pole before stomping off in a club-footed rage.<br />
<br />
A wee bit like your Auntie Jean used to after a few sherries at Christmas.<br />
<br />
Deciding that what Lynch needs is a surprise party to show how well liked he is his co-workers throw up some tinsel (not literally mind tho' with hindsight that would be worth seeing), organize a kiddy friendly - as opposed to kiddy fiddling - DeeJay and bake him a cake.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately this act of kindness sends him into a violent (and dribbly) rage that can only be sated by a visit to a dirty, baby doll nightie clad lady of the night who lives by the fish market.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAqA4xswIAmWvKILz7JoSRNjvCQjew8cPT66ats0MBQZD0jxdu2N1T8gSgMn-OPyzGlAmntesTSnJBtpqFFdNbpRMs4LzeV02fU-NWB24nBWvIedZYVnnoAUDkbhQ0sWvsSpY49iJuObe3/s1600/themutations.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="506" data-original-width="900" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAqA4xswIAmWvKILz7JoSRNjvCQjew8cPT66ats0MBQZD0jxdu2N1T8gSgMn-OPyzGlAmntesTSnJBtpqFFdNbpRMs4LzeV02fU-NWB24nBWvIedZYVnnoAUDkbhQ0sWvsSpY49iJuObe3/s400/themutations.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>What your dad gets up to at camera club.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Meanwhile back at the main plot our trendy tecs have decided to take a break from their investigations to spend an evening at the local fairground.<br />
<br />
As over 30's often do.<br />
<br />
After a few rides on the waltzers and eating their own body weight in candyfloss the groovy group spy the freak show tent huddled in a dark corner of the park so decide that half an hour taking the absolute cunt out of those less fortunate than themselves would be the perfect way to end the night.<br />
<br />
And before you go all PC and huffy on me remember this, dear reader, is the reason we're watching.<br />
<br />
Well it's the reason I'm watching, I mean you're not actually watching it are you?<br />
<br />
You're reading this.<br />
<br />
Tho' to be honest you could be doing both - how would I know?<br />
<br />
I'm not your mum.<br />
<br />
For one thing I've never caught chlamydia off your uncle Paul.<br />
<br />
And you wonder why her and your dad have separate rooms.<br />
<br />
But I digress.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyWCMBNbTMkUymPkGNEvtgEYVmH0DffyCvI9bauaWkyB4U8m8bXadsECMprFxzImWt8XzuQODPzNKa6fpkhFT-Wv_Efax0d9zRQKeCk-2mbWM5N2WFCWQUIvVndvqPH6MKvaO6OWthvnu4/s1600/Middle-Aged.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="638" data-original-width="960" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyWCMBNbTMkUymPkGNEvtgEYVmH0DffyCvI9bauaWkyB4U8m8bXadsECMprFxzImWt8XzuQODPzNKa6fpkhFT-Wv_Efax0d9zRQKeCk-2mbWM5N2WFCWQUIvVndvqPH6MKvaO6OWthvnu4/s400/Middle-Aged.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>See her? That's your mum that is.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Upon entering the tent our merry band - and the viewer - are confronted by some of the strangest sights known to man.<br />
<br />
There's an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nadine_Dorries" target="_blank">old lady with a hairy face</a>, a woman with <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/film/legend/ecclestonlegendinterview-xlarge.jpg" target="_blank">really bad exzema</a> dubbed The Lizard Woman (Blackmon), a boy with no bones in his legs (no, really) non-sensationally named <a href="http://waytofamous.com/images/terry-christian-04.jpg" target="_blank">Terry the Frog Boy</a> (Duarte), the bendy backed Human Pretzel (Bailey), <a href="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/c4jWAYgjV10/maxresdefault.jpg" target="_blank">a scarily sexy Monkey Woman</a> and everyone's favourite, the fantastic Popeyed Jeff (Willie Ingram - <a href="https://www.blogtalkradio.com/donsmcclure/2016/04/30/the-don-s-mcclure-show-guest-willie-ingram-jr-real-estate-professional" target="_blank">but probably not this one</a>) a man who can make his eyeballs pop out from their sockets.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEzla1-uS6TY_KKPq6VA7yoBEEkh2Dxg6DuE9e8dBvLGILR7Wq7xQVN5mytxMalvAviLPkY5xwIYIgsnlpTwhD5xXc8WKcjxXV0pqgopPFhJrq71YRscHkKks9-ZDwxl7hPVOC35rV6LHB/s1600/popeye1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="384" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEzla1-uS6TY_KKPq6VA7yoBEEkh2Dxg6DuE9e8dBvLGILR7Wq7xQVN5mytxMalvAviLPkY5xwIYIgsnlpTwhD5xXc8WKcjxXV0pqgopPFhJrq71YRscHkKks9-ZDwxl7hPVOC35rV6LHB/s400/popeye1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">"Eye son".</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Now part of me wants to say that exploiting those born differently for cheap entertainment is distasteful and somewhat sickening in this more aware climate.*<br />
<br />
But screw that, this guy can actually make his eyeballs bulge out of his skull!<br />
<br />
How fucking cool is that?<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB3hHuuuSsdYoDnTSGJtagZbBs5oSBFQN_KTid7auhuvD9YX2NpAXmOYNG6u1f4botZ3qncutJBFJaoxjze7pTT2EJJWjFo1qD4KEfzfLNfOUfZX2LKdBpnKhZ078Uhfzjs7GFDui8g6zS/s1600/Freakmaker+-+Kreng+01.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="400" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB3hHuuuSsdYoDnTSGJtagZbBs5oSBFQN_KTid7auhuvD9YX2NpAXmOYNG6u1f4botZ3qncutJBFJaoxjze7pTT2EJJWjFo1qD4KEfzfLNfOUfZX2LKdBpnKhZ078Uhfzjs7GFDui8g6zS/s400/Freakmaker+-+Kreng+01.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Tunnel or funnel?</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Anyway, as you can probably guess Nolter's experiments get more and
more freaky climaxing with poor Tony getting turned into a hideous Venus
flytrap/human/vagina hybrid with a taste for tramps and blondes (and
trampy blondes) whilst the Professor makes a speech arguing the case for
the creation of a race of super-humans and poor old Lynch is hunted
down by a gang of dwarves using attack dogs.<br />
<br />
Oh yeah and Ege gets her kit off and is touched up by a tree-type thing**.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Jq8hM1Ms-PqXhgsKPUQF41_y2qw-eZQalrCVjpja0tLkZF86XxXEODYKr9l3eCNiDN2fBXaS3uqwWAiRUPajd20mvdjNB163dPvQh_EbZ9GcmLPrs2anuoJoGgacZGwJ4VXxJGjkjWbh/s1600/mutations-american-video-french-vhs-sleeve.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="582" data-original-width="800" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Jq8hM1Ms-PqXhgsKPUQF41_y2qw-eZQalrCVjpja0tLkZF86XxXEODYKr9l3eCNiDN2fBXaS3uqwWAiRUPajd20mvdjNB163dPvQh_EbZ9GcmLPrs2anuoJoGgacZGwJ4VXxJGjkjWbh/s400/mutations-american-video-french-vhs-sleeve.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
There's no denying that The Mutations is a bona fide classic of British exploitation cinema, what should be a crass and tasteless excuse to show differently-abled folk for cheap enjoyment is surprisingly entertaining and almost apologetic when it comes to it's subject matter.<br />
<br />
It's almost as if it wants to channel the sympathetic edge of the Tod Browning classic Freaks with it's "Who are the real monsters?" message but kinda drops the ball as soon as Scott Antony stumbles into shot dressed as a giant fanny tho'.<br />
<br />
But fair play for trying.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqiSfgOszwXw4awam3MyHoAvVNP8S0lxXxulWCfQ7zzGvAfDvDg23et5UmKs9VHbTCurTbe5ggrm61LeEpxMh4MuEJzSBoGq2T1HSHPrUAkuPrw7-uj9QKUqUmwahPnGeyzkyDDeQ-jQ14/s1600/mutatsions.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="433" data-original-width="769" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqiSfgOszwXw4awam3MyHoAvVNP8S0lxXxulWCfQ7zzGvAfDvDg23et5UmKs9VHbTCurTbe5ggrm61LeEpxMh4MuEJzSBoGq2T1HSHPrUAkuPrw7-uj9QKUqUmwahPnGeyzkyDDeQ-jQ14/s400/mutatsions.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Look dad! I'm from Sedgley!"</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
Saying that tho' the films mad mix of gore, girls, gritty social commentary and gro-bag induced terrors adds a totally schizophrenic feel to the whole thing that kinda works in it's favour tho' at times the heavy-handed plotline plight of the carnival folk and their abuse at the hands of the loutish Lynch does feel a wee bit at odds in a story about man eating plants and a saliva slopping bloke with a potato stuck to his face.<br />
<br />
But despite (or because) of all this The Mutations is both utterly brilliant and totally crap in equal measures.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiGACH30BrT9-a0oJbX9i0hYgdWJWaVph_i9h0C9FntVeAIGfcLDNwvygb_A_eEsf3mva8ThYGjtj3UjjVJ3p4_ogFSb3xdR3MGeDWHtX_eXKyGCFqsKWQIyyrNg0ZSTNTixDTmTaUqPAL/s1600/the_freakmaker13.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="456" data-original-width="800" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiGACH30BrT9-a0oJbX9i0hYgdWJWaVph_i9h0C9FntVeAIGfcLDNwvygb_A_eEsf3mva8ThYGjtj3UjjVJ3p4_ogFSb3xdR3MGeDWHtX_eXKyGCFqsKWQIyyrNg0ZSTNTixDTmTaUqPAL/s400/the_freakmaker13.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-style: italic;"><b>Jeremy Corbyn, up the casino, Blackpool, 1978.</b></span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Scarily tho' the movie was directed by an honest to goodness Oscar winner, Jack Cardiff (who won best cinematographer for 1948 movie Black Narcissus), showing that he had either a secret love of shlock horror or the onset of Alzheimer's - it's your choice, and it's this unsure style, coupled with his almost erotic obsession with time-lapse footage of plants growing, topless dolly birds and the real life freak show performances at the movies half way point that makes this the cinematic equivalent of drunkenly shagging your best mates mum.<br />
<br />
It might be great at the time but with hindsight you end up feeling slightly guilty and even a wee bit itchy from enjoying it so much.<br />
<br />
<br />
Worth watching, but only if you're alone.<br />
<br />
Or just very lonely.<br />
<br />
Hopefully I'll pick something a wee bit less controversial next time.<br />
<br />
If I can be arsed that is.<br />
<br />
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*Let's be honest here, I'm just pissed off that I'm the only Autistic person in the world who can't count cards, is rubbish at maths and never wins owt in the casino.....Imagine how shit it is to not even do Autism properly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
**Which seems to be a running theme in films of this era.....<a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2016/10/day-29-of-31-days-of-horror-and-again.html" target="_blank">look here if you don't believe me. </a>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-44469918283488450902024-01-16T00:22:00.001+00:002024-01-16T00:22:10.526+00:00carpenter cuts (birthday edition).<p> </p><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="46f1q-0-0" style="text-align: center;">
Celebrate John Carpenter's birthday with 3 volumes of classic Carpenter inspired cuts, Jack Burton beats and taxicab tune<span data-offset-key="46f1q-4-0"><span data-text="true">s available to download <a href="https://www.mediafire.com/file/ayd1ebwzqmowyy8/Cabbies+Mixtapes.zip/file" target="_blank">here</a>.<br /></span></span></div><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="46f1q-0-0" style="text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="46f1q-4-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></div><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="46f1q-0-0" style="text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="46f1q-4-0"><span data-text="true">"It's all in the reflexes..."</span></span></div><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="46f1q-0-0" style="text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="46f1q-4-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></div><div class="public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr" data-offset-key="46f1q-0-0" style="text-align: center;"><span data-offset-key="46f1q-4-0"><span data-text="true"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkRyzTTDHRmUoMyPAcr5lmaEUOtiPz2E0VWoeb4cluk71HHK3kYkVWt-Eyn3zO5L3WjSoB3krJsqCuhz3iEmtd39M-iI-xPNMZkE6K2plWs5mHQw5Yja2N6p-a5jGiKqGHbaHZh4TgbUOe-Bxdr1mbR3rLMu3Etzy20odfvVynAJAbGn67XBIeSgWv4RQn/s3507/johnc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3507" data-original-width="2480" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkRyzTTDHRmUoMyPAcr5lmaEUOtiPz2E0VWoeb4cluk71HHK3kYkVWt-Eyn3zO5L3WjSoB3krJsqCuhz3iEmtd39M-iI-xPNMZkE6K2plWs5mHQw5Yja2N6p-a5jGiKqGHbaHZh4TgbUOe-Bxdr1mbR3rLMu3Etzy20odfvVynAJAbGn67XBIeSgWv4RQn/w283-h400/johnc.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><br /> </span></span></div>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-49798533938006074802024-01-11T23:00:00.001+00:002024-01-11T23:44:58.002+00:00snack attack.<p><br />Just found out that the fantastic Tisa Farrow has died so in way of a tribute here's a reposting of my review of one of her best known (and greatest) movies.<br /> </p><p>Apologies for the distinct lack of 'laugh now' and 'mooth shite' references ahead but this was from a time when I thought folk were actually interested in what I wrote so I tried to be quite serious.<br />
<br />
That didn't last long.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyway, enjoy.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCuC9s4ZScecy91NUSmKe0lUDb7rb7cwFmT8IDn9tNjyviWCkyHlKheGevftqvGjQvTntd1_GaHdHXZruUENpFptojxieEdAmiesfCtjTDE8EpkVJifUytEGFuO3-88vofxLIbiTImev0cueFXaQ1aMMuOY1DGy2l-jtWNtxbgn2-L6G5DahnZl_RhzP7J/s735/111ddd5a7b2a8c2eafa4920db0479eef.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="583" data-original-width="735" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCuC9s4ZScecy91NUSmKe0lUDb7rb7cwFmT8IDn9tNjyviWCkyHlKheGevftqvGjQvTntd1_GaHdHXZruUENpFptojxieEdAmiesfCtjTDE8EpkVJifUytEGFuO3-88vofxLIbiTImev0cueFXaQ1aMMuOY1DGy2l-jtWNtxbgn2-L6G5DahnZl_RhzP7J/w400-h318/111ddd5a7b2a8c2eafa4920db0479eef.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p><br /><br />
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Zombi 2 (AKA Zombie Flesh Eaters, Island of the Flesh-Eaters, Island of the Living Dead Gli Ultimi zombi 1979).</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Dir: Lucio Fulci.</div>
Cast: Ian McCulloch, Tisa Farrow, Al Cliver, Auretta Gay, Richard Johnson, Olga Karlatos, a shark and some zombies. <br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-Tcmwj95W7Ltz-tby2pSKvpyr8_AfkllqDGuL-1QMM1kaP1JN4mcXx6QJczVwUbqGNPuQSNeC-Q7sVWqUCCDGjV2uNrNzfE2mWd79Vo_Pd-IQVw_mWYT5fVNnwJRO0yGelhKx4SsUEyj/s1600/zfe.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1131" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-Tcmwj95W7Ltz-tby2pSKvpyr8_AfkllqDGuL-1QMM1kaP1JN4mcXx6QJczVwUbqGNPuQSNeC-Q7sVWqUCCDGjV2uNrNzfE2mWd79Vo_Pd-IQVw_mWYT5fVNnwJRO0yGelhKx4SsUEyj/s400/zfe.jpg" width="282" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>What is all this about the dead coming back to life again and... having
to be killed a second time? I mean, what the hell's going on here?</i></b> </td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /><br />Welcome to New York - thanks to some rather wonderful <span class="st">Cinéma vérité</span> style of the cuff (and off the radar) footage - where a seemingly abandoned ship drifts spookily thru' the harbor, out of control and unstoppable.<br /><br />
Luckily the local harbor patrols two best men are sent to investigate. <br /><br />Well second best.<br /><br />The two best are out investigating another <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2016/06/egg-box-frenzy.html" target="_blank">mysterious ghost ship filled with huge Kinder Eggs</a> further up the river.<br />
<br />Arriving on board in a flurry of Action Slacks and sideburns the brave officers find that the ship is deserted, or so it seems until the fattest bastard zombie you will ever see shambles out of the hold, moaning and dribbling as he goes.<br /><br />
Tho' how the fuck he managed to hide aboard such a little boat is never explained, I mean even if you discount his size he still must stink worse than your gran after the retirement home Xmas party. <br /><br />
Anyways back to the action.<br /><br />
Refusing to show his ID (tho' not ashamed to flaunt his terrifying man-tits) our rotund rotter kills one of the patrolmen with a nasty bite to the throat and a quick stroke of the balls before the other, less dead cop shoots him in the face causing him to flop overboard faster than Natalie Wood before sinking straight to the bottom. <br /><br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMEy0phTUUjYLK8h_fZUdrk8J_5YGSU2GwUbeQLyHjXUiTMJktWnDMlHvJ5FJr-oeRMc0Rb1MIYPZPrij5wgxDe31XvSzdf2DxD5eikFDNjoHOpwYC_Zpkvh4ukg9_UJLHM5EtmXM1Iz1/s1600/fat-boat-zombie1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="441" data-original-width="1024" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeMEy0phTUUjYLK8h_fZUdrk8J_5YGSU2GwUbeQLyHjXUiTMJktWnDMlHvJ5FJr-oeRMc0Rb1MIYPZPrij5wgxDe31XvSzdf2DxD5eikFDNjoHOpwYC_Zpkvh4ukg9_UJLHM5EtmXM1Iz1/s400/fat-boat-zombie1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?" </i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /><br /><br />Seeing as stuff like this doesn't usually happen in the Big Apple, NYPD's finest decide to get in touch with the boat owner's daughter, the delectable Ms. Ann Bowles (genre superstar, sister of Mia and the reason we are here - the late, great Tisa Farrow) in order to question her regarding the scary fat cannibal bloke, find out who styles her hair and ask the whereabouts of her missing dad. <br /><br />Pleased that someone appreciates the effort she puts into looking so good but surprised to hear her dad is missing (close family eh?) Ann, concerned not only about his welfare but her huge inheritance too, returns to the ship that very night to search for clues and stuff but what she finds on board is far more exciting.<br /><br />And considerably sexier than anything we've seen so far. <br /><br />Please welcome ace reporter and all round studly Italian horror movie hero, the scarily comb-overed yet still cool as fuck Peter West (the man, the myth, the legend that is Glasgow's finest, Sir Ian of McCulloch). <br /><br />
West has found a letter written to Ann from her father (told you he was a good reporter, well it's either that or he's broken into her mail box, which frankly is the last box of Farrow's I'd want to break), which tells of a mysterious disease that is ravaging his home on the mysterious island of Matool and that he may never leave alive.<br /><br />Ann, now very worried about her inheritance (you can tell by her quivering lip), and Peter, interested in the story (and in Ann), decide to travel together to the island to discover the truth.<br /><br /> <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmamHM0qh0V6ixai5LiJCi2itedhHtOhyruRHQk5HCiM6FMAQ85XVL_ggcUtEJtNRt6Szz281kR0Ovqg3-6sPxjq9YUzSK9DeNHs06vmRdTsUGC1bUfd_zbAweYD6jzxOrGGX2J9YRIPrZ/s1600/journalist.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="395" data-original-width="913" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmamHM0qh0V6ixai5LiJCi2itedhHtOhyruRHQk5HCiM6FMAQ85XVL_ggcUtEJtNRt6Szz281kR0Ovqg3-6sPxjq9YUzSK9DeNHs06vmRdTsUGC1bUfd_zbAweYD6jzxOrGGX2J9YRIPrZ/s400/journalist.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>McCulloch: He's got something to put in you.</b></i></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />Being too tight to get their own boat, the dynamic duo hitch a ride with a couple of hip American tourists, the swoonsome beefcake Bryan (the fantastically furry chinned Cliver) and his shapely wife Susan (Auretta 'Brillantina Rock' Gay- can this cast get any better?), who are enjoying a pleasant sailing holiday.<br /><br />By sailing holiday I mean Cliver stands around looking rugged in a shirt that's about three sizes too small whilst Gay spends her days busying herself scuba diving in nothing but a pair of flimsy, fanny revealing pants and a pink flowery swimming cap.<br /><br />We are indeed in cinematic heaven. <br /><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCdRE7NAecNMahOqAQnocAUt2ADz88oD-FduhnQmR7zNc1GUD9l7MLGxM_JbITM4aogTjHlZrhc27KMbvzDzIrZEYGw4Rt4ntHTf2fRP1tHHBgdRmJDp1bzFOU9RUaIsS9UB5bkzd-h-e-/s1600/1.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="800" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCdRE7NAecNMahOqAQnocAUt2ADz88oD-FduhnQmR7zNc1GUD9l7MLGxM_JbITM4aogTjHlZrhc27KMbvzDzIrZEYGw4Rt4ntHTf2fRP1tHHBgdRmJDp1bzFOU9RUaIsS9UB5bkzd-h-e-/s400/1.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0zY8UZuguhHBcxa83uPdCazcOdjL5nm2CEuOGwnFL9zsg_xwaWuxaQiCtTR7LlEm6NMpEdCnXk4e8KMn0uR9VYARtbuvSUlwGQecCVPpbrhBKeHOHrB28jIiihMnv-lISV0_U8QwS7XgE/s1600/2.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="800" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0zY8UZuguhHBcxa83uPdCazcOdjL5nm2CEuOGwnFL9zsg_xwaWuxaQiCtTR7LlEm6NMpEdCnXk4e8KMn0uR9VYARtbuvSUlwGQecCVPpbrhBKeHOHrB28jIiihMnv-lISV0_U8QwS7XgE/s400/2.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnyiV3sNAe0MF0YbH0v5sqMUoArl0DDj3ajYvIKFnTxBMRGUgycB7Med6FzXxfOBCLvoNhWQC6XV0VECydVcOTaZPcjmakzwPiA8CZfzgLvvNMTlWURb9kSHmPa8LDUJAYB6-0kHAq8X96/s1600/3.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="800" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnyiV3sNAe0MF0YbH0v5sqMUoArl0DDj3ajYvIKFnTxBMRGUgycB7Med6FzXxfOBCLvoNhWQC6XV0VECydVcOTaZPcjmakzwPiA8CZfzgLvvNMTlWURb9kSHmPa8LDUJAYB6-0kHAq8X96/s400/3.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtaObCZ7oIbdl70_AS3QQlCV4ahd593x8ZWEmWfXT2-nbjmRCs4KgguiqszpiqoPPKR-7H1ejwdUIBb9x9gUYV_t9t2Q0jZF0b4gXWiVlwxQpqKt6YT1s6YOCDZljMHRsSOe4JGSAKOM6h/s1600/4.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="800" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtaObCZ7oIbdl70_AS3QQlCV4ahd593x8ZWEmWfXT2-nbjmRCs4KgguiqszpiqoPPKR-7H1ejwdUIBb9x9gUYV_t9t2Q0jZF0b4gXWiVlwxQpqKt6YT1s6YOCDZljMHRsSOe4JGSAKOM6h/s400/4.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Gay: areola's like dinner plates.</i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />It's during one such dive that possibly the greatest scene ever committed to celluloid occurs when the positively pneumatic Susan is attacked by a terrifying Tiger Shark.<br /><br />As she wiggles her huge arse and sticks her breasts out towards the camera in fright to a terrifying Fabio Frizzi score, the fairly ferocious fish swims around menacingly thinking check the hat whilst licking it's shark lips.<br /><br />
But that's not the best bit, you see just when it looks like it's going to eat her whole (you know the punchline) a zombie pops up from behind a clump of undersea fauna and tries to bite the beast on the arse.<br /><br />The shark that is not Susan.<br /><br />The ensuing spectacle of watching a stuntman attempt to punch out a shark will stay with you forever, pant wettingly exciting and probably the reason that cinema exists in the first place.<br /><br />Seriously.<br /><br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ3XLipj2B64vviN85khJ533ZaAzfhothNBgH-n0KLn-QBycpsjmms_4QjE9Uv8rWu5LD0q0ozs-uXfG5ROO3f6J-UDGGaQ5eAR0mlVBXXHeu0JgQ0r3xiogYY-uafC8TDF-qyjjxp0gX5/s1600/zombie4.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="500" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ3XLipj2B64vviN85khJ533ZaAzfhothNBgH-n0KLn-QBycpsjmms_4QjE9Uv8rWu5LD0q0ozs-uXfG5ROO3f6J-UDGGaQ5eAR0mlVBXXHeu0JgQ0r3xiogYY-uafC8TDF-qyjjxp0gX5/s400/zombie4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /><b><i>"Slate and Vera Lynne?" </i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /> <br /><br />Eventually the intrepid party arrive on the shores of Matool and are approached by what looks like a gang of drunken tramps.<br /><br />On closer inspection tho' they discover that they are, in fact an ARMY OF ZOMBIES who are also FLESH EATERS. <br /><br />Tho' in retrospect the title does kinda give it away.<br /><br />Unsurprisingly our heroes leg it up the beach (to be honest it's more a leisurely jog up the beach seeing as zombies aren't that quick) and, after stopping for a rest, being chased again, stopping for another rest and
being chased again, a pal of Anne's dad, the enigmatic Dr Menard (a very
angry Johnson) turns up in a jeep and offers them all safe haven at his
house for tea and crumpets.<br /> <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCOoqPioLDwMSiyO9eBJmZfInjtwq9KfgefwXz5ibNuPvz-J-XQRJim5jxECqXMNPbMiaicZGn28ONRuaJ9R2-u7Io-qM15Rden9HTx5hEH1DfLZt6lSCITPxVNeYRLFrcCbR5_lD5kZF/s1600/1-85.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="270" data-original-width="640" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRCOoqPioLDwMSiyO9eBJmZfInjtwq9KfgefwXz5ibNuPvz-J-XQRJim5jxECqXMNPbMiaicZGn28ONRuaJ9R2-u7Io-qM15Rden9HTx5hEH1DfLZt6lSCITPxVNeYRLFrcCbR5_lD5kZF/s400/1-85.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Some zombie flesh eaters yesterday. </i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br /><br />Menard is convinced that the mysterious plague ravaging the island is also responsible for the dead rising from their graves.<br />
<br />
Peter West nods sagely and adjusts his hair whilst the others look on - Susan in a particularly toothish manner usually seen only on rabbits.<br />
<br />
Now it's a race against time as Menard struggles to find a cure, Peter and Bryan struggle over who's the more alpha male, Ann struggles to find her fathers whereabouts, Susan struggles to keep her kit on and Menard's sexily stern wife Paola struggles to finish her shower before a zombie pierces her eye on a large shard of splintered wood....<br /><br /><br />Will they survive the terrifying attack of the zombie flesh eaters and will horror cinema ever be the same again?<br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTqsYBYGZr5f09Kv8pBIks2OMLxm6LVC89X1cUKowhAbxjUknV9tVx07QlcQUoQ18VKM5azpc_L7KeFJKmcyaUxNDfqIOnwaJfuRgqFy6g9_t9eg1a9VelIYiBXEwEaTpyMiQYGkHL2k1N/s1600/zombi-2-04.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="251" data-original-width="580" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTqsYBYGZr5f09Kv8pBIks2OMLxm6LVC89X1cUKowhAbxjUknV9tVx07QlcQUoQ18VKM5azpc_L7KeFJKmcyaUxNDfqIOnwaJfuRgqFy6g9_t9eg1a9VelIYiBXEwEaTpyMiQYGkHL2k1N/s400/zombi-2-04.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Eye hen!" </b></i></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /><br /> What can you possibly say about the late, great Lucio Fulci's magnum opus that hasn't been said a hundred times before and by better folk than me?<br />
<br />
I mean come on, everything about it is just brilliant, from the opening shots in New York to the exotic locations in Haiti which add a stark otherworldly air to the proceedings making the island of Matool a nightmare of dust storms and barren decayed buildings which cleverly mirror the colour palate used in the zombie make-up.<br />
<br />
The dead being as much a part of the island as the beach and sands; a stark contrast to the vivid greens of the jungle scenes. <br /><br />Also on show is Fulci's predilection for using the "crash zoom" as a shorthand way to heighten the audiences reaction to scenes of horror and gore. <br /><br />Sometimes overused in his later movies, this (his) signature effect serves him well when it comes to the sheer horror of the decaying army slowly lumbering towards our heroes; never have zombies looked so hideous or repellent, bloated and muck encrusted with gaping wounds, tore flesh and dead eye sockets writhing with maggots. <br /><br />Something that living in Glasgow I'm used to, having had to navigate Sauchiehall Street every weekend.<br /><br />Nasty. <br /><br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDKembT3VamD3GsCRHFrpMUCC4ceS6OdSOPh2gFa4LTD9SYPkWYteBfUuZBApii9cZPTt_pN8XOJP3PRBlDID8ZNuKnekkTdOR7KEBK5oOBoPXfZArJitHl7tFZ76EsSMvH4mpC-8L45j/s1600/fat-chicks-nightclub-tottie-prostitute-pictures.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="337" height="392" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlDKembT3VamD3GsCRHFrpMUCC4ceS6OdSOPh2gFa4LTD9SYPkWYteBfUuZBApii9cZPTt_pN8XOJP3PRBlDID8ZNuKnekkTdOR7KEBK5oOBoPXfZArJitHl7tFZ76EsSMvH4mpC-8L45j/s400/fat-chicks-nightclub-tottie-prostitute-pictures.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /><b><i>"...bloated and muck encrusted with gaping wounds, tore flesh and
dead eye sockets writhing with maggots..." Yup gotta love a Glasgow gal.
</i></b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br /><br /><br />The cast is, quite frankly magnificent, featuring the ultimate team of the grumpy Scotsman McCulloch, whining waif Farrow (who will always be the horror film definition of the final-ish girl) and the manly Cliver, all mainstays of the Italian horror genre and all never better than onscreen here.<br /><br />Plus when you add the Ruebenesqe form of one (oh go on then two) hit wooden wonder Auretta Gay and her much needed gratuitous nudity to the mix, wobbling about in a pair of her mums pants as she desperately trying not to chafe her nipples on her oxygen tanks you know you're in the presence of genius.<br /><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1bUEgXx3_rTHvhYvKoffUM4HIms5m5JwgiSVi_aqhvq0YLToFjfTn0IQWC3tlzedIlKDPPIJfOx9Vy8LdTC_-J7sRdJ5O4_X-jgFQy28OK4P4kUYbtRyTp6nWEz-PJYEqSWbM0uFCPcH8/s1600/MV5BYTBlMDAyNjYtNDcwZS00ZGNiLWIyNzAtMmEwNjc5NDE5ZTc2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjUyNDk2ODc%2540._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="345" data-original-width="800" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1bUEgXx3_rTHvhYvKoffUM4HIms5m5JwgiSVi_aqhvq0YLToFjfTn0IQWC3tlzedIlKDPPIJfOx9Vy8LdTC_-J7sRdJ5O4_X-jgFQy28OK4P4kUYbtRyTp6nWEz-PJYEqSWbM0uFCPcH8/s400/MV5BYTBlMDAyNjYtNDcwZS00ZGNiLWIyNzAtMmEwNjc5NDE5ZTc2XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjUyNDk2ODc%2540._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Auretta Gay, or as she'd be these days Auretta Non-Binary.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />Behind the cameras Fulci is served well by his crew, from husband and wife team Elisa Briganti and Dardano Sacchetti's cut to the bone script to the unforgettable make up effects from Giovanni Corridori and his team via Sergio Salvati's stunning cinematography, the whole film is a lean, mean experiment in sheer horror that still stands up as a masterpiece of the genre today.<br /><br /> Seriously, everything in the movie just falls perfectly into place but I have to say that the icing on the (very gory) cake is the stark synth' score from Fulci regular, the wonderful Fabio Frizzi.<br /><br />Cinematic gold from the grand master of grand guignol.<br /><br />
Fulci, we salute you.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
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</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "arial";"></span>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-24097836879974771052024-01-07T13:33:00.013+00:002024-01-07T13:33:54.130+00:00farewell program.<p style="text-align: center;"> RIP Cindy Morgan - <span><span> Lora/Yori in Tron.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span><span></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-XPx11nhyxMwnrdSJiMNuogT1jEFVnOD1Kb3EcwZyk3PjPpqtXN0VN2pGpKhtBRT_927oxcFEucAtN2YuWU6WpM7fxMCPAuP8E_0IdkiMFoioKOq_uxEeQM2q_fW1l8JkbdG3sz6gNhoxLxO3dM9iaIOdN9kzZcno67oczoHDZjj4ArPyejrsYigxO0vG/s1607/51YrdBneopL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1607" data-original-width="1205" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-XPx11nhyxMwnrdSJiMNuogT1jEFVnOD1Kb3EcwZyk3PjPpqtXN0VN2pGpKhtBRT_927oxcFEucAtN2YuWU6WpM7fxMCPAuP8E_0IdkiMFoioKOq_uxEeQM2q_fW1l8JkbdG3sz6gNhoxLxO3dM9iaIOdN9kzZcno67oczoHDZjj4ArPyejrsYigxO0vG/w300-h400/51YrdBneopL.jpg" width="300" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNHRKScFW0JRrf_n0_kU93z7U_NGL-VFV7O_ogSqBxB9ohttNOig8sjgHYBaaoajMnnNxDi8O3mt95uBk3NasSugCyVhotpItDzeLlgs4urIIdpXHu35K5kMvT_lEI6YQkU4IBfR0WOpLGzhw6Dfm_1Y-NJc6yBnkQ7A-68cFl1omucY9zD9S6TNHBCeZ-/s400/206338_204185766269353_161381577216439_620366_137030_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="261" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNHRKScFW0JRrf_n0_kU93z7U_NGL-VFV7O_ogSqBxB9ohttNOig8sjgHYBaaoajMnnNxDi8O3mt95uBk3NasSugCyVhotpItDzeLlgs4urIIdpXHu35K5kMvT_lEI6YQkU4IBfR0WOpLGzhw6Dfm_1Y-NJc6yBnkQ7A-68cFl1omucY9zD9S6TNHBCeZ-/w261-h400/206338_204185766269353_161381577216439_620366_137030_n.jpg" width="261" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgjVeT_8dewASWZWgwMo3f8D5fK0TwhqXHZIBz8Ws-zfTP4BrNzn7eawU9SuiMGLbySrdwRoo7zjPYQqMoj2d583iPy22UeSlndGOQgAGtNGqOK2lTuWCAOQG6wWTRDpygB4mb3uieyOx9ycxDwkeNVgpvBjJL9O2o-6ocneSYy_A69RK52aX8DAkGTP4U/s1200/GDPhreSXIAAeBjr.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5vT1jRtGCRZC9-_l3iMgzxZErtjcg4jpTmqX9OQdH8lSLdVGfWYqTMBzefnGB2-F24fiDlYaJE5F2F1h2WJu9nYjvoiEVgIo6N6t3_3QSr6p4uUbV6BCzyQ8ezi_z6EYdY3N0nvzB69UT_DAkeIJTZ0CpUMft2CfH0F_tzLtghAaLPBUfCEIzkSxhHB1U/s1280/tumblr_oxivk1vFC31r2njgao1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="796" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5vT1jRtGCRZC9-_l3iMgzxZErtjcg4jpTmqX9OQdH8lSLdVGfWYqTMBzefnGB2-F24fiDlYaJE5F2F1h2WJu9nYjvoiEVgIo6N6t3_3QSr6p4uUbV6BCzyQ8ezi_z6EYdY3N0nvzB69UT_DAkeIJTZ0CpUMft2CfH0F_tzLtghAaLPBUfCEIzkSxhHB1U/w249-h400/tumblr_oxivk1vFC31r2njgao1_1280.jpg" width="249" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span><span> </span></span></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-70186449992537987662024-01-03T09:02:00.001+00:002024-01-03T14:54:37.053+00:00(bloody) moonhead.<div><br /><br /><br /> As you may of heard/read the 1928 version of Mickey Mouse entered the public domain on Monday, and just like what happened with Winnie The Pooh shitloads of indie 'horror producers' have started work on their own versions.</div><div></div><div><br /></div><div></div><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcYQMxr8MMpLvHjtjeHY-2JFnzD2R1BF-MDIJZWd_wzGefUb7qV94xJ2b1CVZw1rpwLwznBqATYA3miBGXNymb7yTtMsqCgWu8PshPOMhhM-yOorx2gkrerg8G6eGx_lwUj1OoJUFKm0k28Ulb3RrQQFkbJEva0vX_S-SkdyAA7_OJkj_-hsHWxl5BVSZf/s1000/steamboat_teaser_16x9.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="563" data-original-width="1000" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcYQMxr8MMpLvHjtjeHY-2JFnzD2R1BF-MDIJZWd_wzGefUb7qV94xJ2b1CVZw1rpwLwznBqATYA3miBGXNymb7yTtMsqCgWu8PshPOMhhM-yOorx2gkrerg8G6eGx_lwUj1OoJUFKm0k28Ulb3RrQQFkbJEva0vX_S-SkdyAA7_OJkj_-hsHWxl5BVSZf/w400-h225/steamboat_teaser_16x9.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div> </div><div> </div><div>What they all seem to forget is that it's already been done.</div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div>Yup, dear old uncle Jess beat them to it way back in 1981.<br />
<br />
So what better excuse to revisit the horror genius that is....</div><div> </div><div>Bloody Moon (1981).<br />
Dir: Jesus Franco.<br />
Star: Olivia Pascal, Christop Moosbrugger, Nadja Gerganoff and some other folk with made up names.<br />
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It's almost the witching hour, the moon is full and the night is as quiet as the grave.<br />
<br />
Suddenly the deathly silence is broken by the squeak of a wheelchair trundling thru' the dark shadows and a woman's angry voice: "Miguel!... I'm your sister, don't look at me that way!"<br />
<br />
The pudding bowl haircutted and facially fucked Miguel (Moosbrugger wearing what looks like a bucket of dried horse cum on his cheeks) stands in the moonlight dribbling as his sexy (in a 70's breasted way) sister Manuela (the local nosed Olivia Pascal) continues to berate him before ordering him back to the local dance club in the hope that all that jiving will make him far too tired to start wanking in her underpant drawer later.<br />
<br />
Wandering among the hip 'n' happening party goers he picks up not only a pound shop, copyright taunting Mickey Mouse mask but a sexy disco diva to boot and the pair soon head back to her chalet for some steamy and sweaty sex.<br />
<br />
Well it is a short film.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately at the moment of climax she pulls off his mask to reveal the aforementioned heavily scarred (and atrociously haircutted) Miguel leering over her like Jimmy Savile in a creche. <br />
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Annoyed at the fact that she finds his face scary (especially after the intimate moments they've just shared) he decides that rather than sort the misunderstanding out over a nice cup of tea it'd be easier to stab her to death with a pair of scissors.<br />
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As one would.<br />
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Hilarity unfortunately does not ensue. <br />
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Years later he is released from 'hospital' into his sister's care, allegedly cured and ready to return to society. <br />
<br />
Just one thing the doctor's warn her, "...avoid references to that unfortunate night. He might not be that cured." <br />
<br />
Which is nice.<br />
<br />
Obviously the best thing to do is to take Miguel back to the scene of the murder, (now open as The International Youth-Club Boarding School of Languages, run by Miguel's wheelchair bound mum).<br />
<br />
So dear viewer let's sit back and see what happens.<br />
<br />
Luckily for those of us who like to take the piss out of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Bromwich" target="_blank">those less fortunate than ourselves</a> the school is populated by the biggest collection of freaks this side of a Todd Browning convention.<br />
<br />
Or Govan on Giro day.<br />
<br />
Well on any day really.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzXBLz7wPaUaR8WZ-5T3nLqeLS5zOINA-HOVXAh0pP8gjZCjq3XSA6Uki8Whwd6aHVvJu1HF0qLJXgqezl5HFsL-Uk2cvZ9yiUcstXJqy8hu62hhDUVFeucg_h5ABxYGqRBnpfC8A2vqC/s1600/2429594376_353411207f.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="386" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrzXBLz7wPaUaR8WZ-5T3nLqeLS5zOINA-HOVXAh0pP8gjZCjq3XSA6Uki8Whwd6aHVvJu1HF0qLJXgqezl5HFsL-Uk2cvZ9yiUcstXJqy8hu62hhDUVFeucg_h5ABxYGqRBnpfC8A2vqC/s400/2429594376_353411207f.jpg" width="308" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Admit it, Glasgow girls are best.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
There's the grunting handyman, Paco, a beast of a bloke obsessed with hitting sign posts randomly with hammers whilst rubbing his crotch; a slug murdering gardener; a twitchy, ferret like head professor and a South American studly tennis tutor with a permanent hard on and a never ending line of ladies willing to sit on it.<br />
<br />
Good job then that all the students are female and decked out in crotch splitting hot pants, Farrah flicks and skin tight tee's, coming out with such quality lines as: "The best way to learn a language is in bed!"<br />
<br />
There are actually a few more quality lines but to be honest my computer was sick as I typed them. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9J_TPWcJ_XQsvmpeI1Ytp0TbTNRxGvXfDyX2ynPlNFvny5JOtyBgDELtIm_uk6TM1ZUeOfEl7yd10UWxWjdL-_nZ-NH5_00Aj4C1vv-t_ypjiLJJ0uqbXF_q-lKn1Shzq1LACmuedx3ra/s1600/bmoon1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="397" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9J_TPWcJ_XQsvmpeI1Ytp0TbTNRxGvXfDyX2ynPlNFvny5JOtyBgDELtIm_uk6TM1ZUeOfEl7yd10UWxWjdL-_nZ-NH5_00Aj4C1vv-t_ypjiLJJ0uqbXF_q-lKn1Shzq1LACmuedx3ra/s400/bmoon1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i>"Put it in me!"</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Miguel meanwhile, has become obsessed by the raven haired (yet shark toothed) Angela (Gerganoff), a girl he sat opposite on the train journey to the school and begins to follow her around like a lovesick (and bowl-head) puppy.<br />
<br />
Awww.<br />
<br />
Feeling sexually renewed (alright just downright horny) by these pangs of young love and realising that it will come to nothing, our scarred sibling decides to ask Manuela if they can continue their incestuous relationship (as you would), even going as far as to attempt a sexy seduction by licking the grit from between her toes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwLeIKrg_ujB2i-Fj79Jq_eupXNDKsau9CKqU53PVNLbatIajUmcQCWO081XVfRwhpHLtLgnxKfSlLe4N62OR91CKdCr47FbpNzmq1RVFybYQDY9LlLhaorMbJiN8XxClNCrpOaRBkQ6FX/s1600/643full-olivia-pascal.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="693" data-original-width="643" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwLeIKrg_ujB2i-Fj79Jq_eupXNDKsau9CKqU53PVNLbatIajUmcQCWO081XVfRwhpHLtLgnxKfSlLe4N62OR91CKdCr47FbpNzmq1RVFybYQDY9LlLhaorMbJiN8XxClNCrpOaRBkQ6FX/s400/643full-olivia-pascal.jpg" width="370" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Pascal: Pig in a market.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
After taking a minute to think about it (and no doubt about what happened last time) she refuses. <br />
<br />
Miguel is heartbroken (and maybe, just maybe a teensy bit mad): "Only if we could get rid of everyone, then things could go back to the way they were." He cries.<br />
<br />
Then the fun really begins as Angela's friends are dispatched one by one.....oh and someone cuts a grass snake in half. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately for our heroine, nobody believes her story of a killer on campus.<br />
<br />
But we know better obviously.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWetBVaxAc5QtSXh8XBYrcdBokC6Mhyphenhyphena406SbhtWh293gzu9D5D3lGnWeycFuUhhBvILplOsx2795mYyZmASxWMS3XrWJ9Gmr7FMTkS80ArxEABLXNxqMoTgrgUmClmFwZ-8cPNkhtxLHC/s1600/vlcsnap-2013-07-15-17h17m07s167.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="768" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWetBVaxAc5QtSXh8XBYrcdBokC6Mhyphenhyphena406SbhtWh293gzu9D5D3lGnWeycFuUhhBvILplOsx2795mYyZmASxWMS3XrWJ9Gmr7FMTkS80ArxEABLXNxqMoTgrgUmClmFwZ-8cPNkhtxLHC/s400/vlcsnap-2013-07-15-17h17m07s167.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Don't leave me hanging!</i></b><br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
The killer even goes so far as to hang one of Angela's pals in her cupboard but spitefully removes it before she can get help. <br />
<br />
Confused and scared, Angela finally looks to Miguel's mum and sister for support - well, obviously not the mum, she can't support herself without sticks let alone Angela.<br />
<br />
Will the killer be caught before it's too late?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1cp9IarnnwcAciEIa2WftQIM8KH7UNikVMKFVB8KfP8s-cBgVlMPY_TuzKE_aqVOoRpzdETNibULWLMorbicIK0wERtxhKB0sSAiduQClDedG9XUYL-vUDSjF7uQInfl-NRACOjkz16go/s1600/Bloody+Moon+pic2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="208" data-original-width="400" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1cp9IarnnwcAciEIa2WftQIM8KH7UNikVMKFVB8KfP8s-cBgVlMPY_TuzKE_aqVOoRpzdETNibULWLMorbicIK0wERtxhKB0sSAiduQClDedG9XUYL-vUDSjF7uQInfl-NRACOjkz16go/s400/Bloody+Moon+pic2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Laugh now!</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Bloody Moon is the mad, bad and dangerous to know idiot offspring of a sleazy late night kebab fueled shag between your average American slasher movie and a lonely homesick Italian giallo it's met in a dive bar and took back to a dirty hotel after first spiking it's drink.<br />
<br />
A totally screwy mix of sex, violence and cack handed dubbing from Spain's busiest exploitation maestro, the great Jesus Franco, a man who would've filmed his elderly mother suffering a stroke if he thought there was a market for it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhySW7csIOFAoyEw7rbVQ35koVPzT3hiCU_LYW_j6-VV_r3tJ0DeERT36qncBZnLG_bNoVRQXao6lTja1TzK-WbTpT-BgAw-HdnIoAGvfFIQ5x35Sw_l1m9H4l0CpJhr5V5bzu7Xz2uA2Wl/s1600/Bloody-Moon-headless-1024x640.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="1024" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhySW7csIOFAoyEw7rbVQ35koVPzT3hiCU_LYW_j6-VV_r3tJ0DeERT36qncBZnLG_bNoVRQXao6lTja1TzK-WbTpT-BgAw-HdnIoAGvfFIQ5x35Sw_l1m9H4l0CpJhr5V5bzu7Xz2uA2Wl/s400/Bloody-Moon-headless-1024x640.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Blood in mah mooth!"</i></b><br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Franco spent his career churning out everything from sordid women in prison flicks to sordid lesbian vampire ones and who holds the record of being the 'director' with the most movies on the DPP ‘video-nasties’ list in the UK during the 80's.<br />
<br />
The confused tone inherent in the film isn't helped by the fact that most of it is German financed but with a bizarro mix of (horrendously dubbed) Italian and Spanish actors whilst Franco appears to be nonchalantly working to his own agenda. <br />
<br />
<br />
The money men obviously wanted a cheap and cheerful disco dancing, gory, mentalist murders teens flick whilst Franco has decided this was to be his homage to John Carpenter and (ye gads) Brian DePalma.<br />
<br />
<br />
Everyone (except Jess, God love him) appears to be embarrassed by the whole thing, especially Olivia Pascal who doesn't even mention it on her resume (it's becoming a habit on here, dredging up serious actors shameful pasts). <br />
<br />
<br />
The fact that she's done more dodgy porn than Robert Kurman and puts that on her CV says a lot about her experiences here.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURTGLzTFKrs79f_XK4MtzCcKsqR_BQ0rO9oHHf1y3eX_CJVeF8QzoXQeIU73AgL2HQxiMdABPFWcuO5HMCcH2YQ_XI82nOD2IkiVAFt7ElCYWHdTS-vd2zxNShSoBv4yggB7JF2oN_6Nf/s1600/600full-olivia-pascal.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="838" data-original-width="600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURTGLzTFKrs79f_XK4MtzCcKsqR_BQ0rO9oHHf1y3eX_CJVeF8QzoXQeIU73AgL2HQxiMdABPFWcuO5HMCcH2YQ_XI82nOD2IkiVAFt7ElCYWHdTS-vd2zxNShSoBv4yggB7JF2oN_6Nf/s400/600full-olivia-pascal.jpg" width="286" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Olivia Pascal: </i></b><br />
<b><i>we know where you live.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
But saying that, any movie that's paid homage to by Pedro Almodovar (the death by circular saw scene is "quoted" in his laugh a minute Matador) is OK by me.<br />
<br />
Trust me.....no StevieDee collection is complete without this movie.<br />
<br />
Honest.<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: 100%;"></span><br /></div>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-71912094976881002472024-01-01T15:54:00.003+00:002024-01-02T23:30:05.729+00:00happy new year....<p style="text-align: center;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiElsa9Q4Dxh6wjvAsXMqAxj-_oAiyhcVV4TjnJtvEF-sEniQK5-yMaZCnPASTzR7pnx1V6hAqBjlEnn3Ug4KJGjdpinres06kmNHHa4ay6HB-qLsybAPJL5wozUGUAlhYkOh3uY48nWlj5j7LhbwXdSdFGBbLoJUsmUOJZ0UVja8Rnk_IICRb9CXR4CsYG/s3507/2024.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3507" data-original-width="2480" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiElsa9Q4Dxh6wjvAsXMqAxj-_oAiyhcVV4TjnJtvEF-sEniQK5-yMaZCnPASTzR7pnx1V6hAqBjlEnn3Ug4KJGjdpinres06kmNHHa4ay6HB-qLsybAPJL5wozUGUAlhYkOh3uY48nWlj5j7LhbwXdSdFGBbLoJUsmUOJZ0UVja8Rnk_IICRb9CXR4CsYG/w283-h400/2024.JPG" width="283" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">I shall endeavor to keep you entertained during 2024 in my usual manner.</div><p style="text-align: center;"></p><p style="text-align: center;">Stay safe!<br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-23216307271694878862023-12-30T23:03:00.001+00:002023-12-30T23:03:37.778+00:00seaman stays.<div><p>You know when you get to that point when you've eaten and drunk so much you can't move so just grab the first thing on the shelf?<br /><br /> The Rift, (AKA Endless Descent, 1990).</p><p>Dir: Juan Piquer Simón.</p><p>Cast: Jack Scalia, R. Lee Ermey, Ray Wise, Deborah Adair, John Toles Bey, Ely Pouget, Emilio Linder, Tony Isbert, Álvaro Labra, Luis Lorenzo, Frank Braña, Pocholo Martínez-Bordiú, Edmund Purdom, Garrick Hagon as Barton (as Garick Hagon) and Jed Downey.</p><p> </p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR-9YPH59vtQlOPNeGARL518NDUay_C4e6TxpJb3u_usX2oWRxgyaaFp-0rfCSZZTvuH2XfwRwmAiXzYaMGA2yv0085aoTvncIv6iuxdV86XqPQkod1lEqx6LKnuEcJJz49NHVqldNABXmLa9KOXoEDX2wwJu1gV-3T7ftz5ddZQxDhC50PEjLRSZ3-6Ol/s1075/MV5BMGQ1Y2E5NmYtNDMxNC00MDQ5LWI0NjYtNzFkMzNlOGM2MWYyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjQzNDI3NzY@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1075" data-original-width="758" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR-9YPH59vtQlOPNeGARL518NDUay_C4e6TxpJb3u_usX2oWRxgyaaFp-0rfCSZZTvuH2XfwRwmAiXzYaMGA2yv0085aoTvncIv6iuxdV86XqPQkod1lEqx6LKnuEcJJz49NHVqldNABXmLa9KOXoEDX2wwJu1gV-3T7ftz5ddZQxDhC50PEjLRSZ3-6Ol/w283-h400/MV5BMGQ1Y2E5NmYtNDMxNC00MDQ5LWI0NjYtNzFkMzNlOGM2MWYyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjQzNDI3NzY@._V1_.jpg" width="283" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Bio-lab, sick bay, and the engine room are off limits. The algae has infected them!"</b></i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>Top secret supersub Siren I (or is it Syren? or Sirene? no-one seems to be sure if I'm honest) has disappeared in mysterious circumstances leaving the bigwigs in Washington (played by the legendary - well around here anyway Edmund Purdom and Biggs Darklighter himself Garrick Hagon) no choice but to turn to the subs original designer - the big haired living beefcake that is Wick Hayes (American teevee regular and Eminence underpants model Scalia, looking for all the world like a love child of 80s era Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell if bought from Wish) to investigate the situation.<br /></p><p>The official line is that Hayes shoddy design was to blame for the disaster but it turns out that this was just a cover story to hide the fact that the military added some secret stuff to the original Siren (nuclear torpedoes, experimental gene replicators, a dartboard etc.) without asking his permission.</p><p>Which would be OK if they admitted it to the folk Hayes will be working with as right now they all think he's just a bad designer with a shit mullet who gets folk killed due to negligence.</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ut4H-tyV-7G2J3YlVOELXx4mBgd3iHdfXXRbgBjDsuC44gfzDiIrJm1CtjrIc6BcrBqKPJQY73WC1cakOUiukA0-iF4GzeeDHOiXjwA3vvCdOnog0wOhYKUemHsQjueylN8os398zWgCYqJXBbk3Zej90TnvQXweqqGfhIOAe-7_pYyE8PizcS3KZK-N/s1200/Rift02.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="738" data-original-width="1200" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4ut4H-tyV-7G2J3YlVOELXx4mBgd3iHdfXXRbgBjDsuC44gfzDiIrJm1CtjrIc6BcrBqKPJQY73WC1cakOUiukA0-iF4GzeeDHOiXjwA3vvCdOnog0wOhYKUemHsQjueylN8os398zWgCYqJXBbk3Zej90TnvQXweqqGfhIOAe-7_pYyE8PizcS3KZK-N/w400-h246/Rift02.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"What is this? Have you built a submarine for ants?!!?"</b><br /></i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p> </p><p>Leading the mission is the ball-breaking, no nonsense navy Capt. Phillips (Lee Ermey, essaying his role from Full Metal Jacket) ) alongside the Lego-haired bio-genetics expert Lt. Nina Crawley (Dynasty, The Love Boat, Days Of Our Lives and Melrose Place star Adair) who, it turns
out used to be in a relationship with Hayes.</p><p>This is fairly unimportant tho' and will only come up once in the entire film and then only with them holding hands and gazing into each others eyes for about 30 seconds.</p><p>Let's just say character building is not this films strong point.</p><p>Neither is plot, effects or acting tho' if I'm honest.</p><p>Also onboard to fill out the painting-by-numbers cast - which I will admit does feature a comedy Italian cook played by Luis Lorenzo in his best "Itsa me Mario!" voice, a terrifyingly eyebrowed German engineer played by Frank Braña from Pieces, "Skeets" - a wise-cracking cliched 80s black man in tiny silk shorts shouting "Shit!" a lot played by <span class="ILfuVd NA6bn" lang="en"><span class="hgKElc">John Toles-Bey from </span></span>Dude, Where's My Car?<span class="ILfuVd NA6bn" lang="en"><span class="hgKElc"><b> </b></span></span>and Lawnmower Man II 'star' Ely Pouget looking a wee bit sweaty as Ana - is a mysterious and twitchy new computer expert Harold Robbins - no, not that one - played by Ray Wise, obviously trying to cover his mortgage before starting to film Twin Peaks.<br /></p><p>So with the cast introduced it's time to power up the Siren II (think the Seaview set from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea hastily reconstructed in an old Radio Shack warehouse and sprayed silver to hide the cracks) as they head out into the unknown to search for the ill-fated Siren's black box recorder or something.</p><p>To be honest none of this makes any sense.<br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje4dUIkS2fBpQ-xpPP8ZZ3EEpm_1gMHVmvInO6_EGfd9d3zJowT0raf_XORWr_0MOcfyGHUZMf-BaE-M8CH87jqsslx0vsAv9aQkAIZITExVtAV-JITbo3CoDZSCvxoMdm6ZXCNQUSC_PaTZbSEYJf3Yh5WnNzq1WkGZ2EzzQlTBrmnFD2EicJKHjAlAyo/s741/MV5BM2U1YTA0YzctY2NlZC00NThlLWE3NWMtNjczN2QxNTdiNDM1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="564" data-original-width="741" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje4dUIkS2fBpQ-xpPP8ZZ3EEpm_1gMHVmvInO6_EGfd9d3zJowT0raf_XORWr_0MOcfyGHUZMf-BaE-M8CH87jqsslx0vsAv9aQkAIZITExVtAV-JITbo3CoDZSCvxoMdm6ZXCNQUSC_PaTZbSEYJf3Yh5WnNzq1WkGZ2EzzQlTBrmnFD2EicJKHjAlAyo/w400-h305/MV5BM2U1YTA0YzctY2NlZC00NThlLWE3NWMtNjczN2QxNTdiNDM1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>A yellow submarine parked in the town where I was born yesterday.</i><br /></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>After an exciting ZX81 graphics style encounter with some icebergs (turns out the navigation system hasn't been aligned properly for all the new shit they've added to the sub which is nice) the sub dives to over 27,000 feet (no me neither) into a mysterious abyss (not that one) where the crew are surprised to see a massive kelp forest at depths where photosynthesis is impossible.</p><p>Spooky.<br /></p><p>Wanting to pad out the runtime, sexy haired Sven (Spanish teevee god and actually aristocrat Martinez) is sent out to investigate - in scuba gear which is a wee bit mad seeing as it would only work up to (down to?) 130 feet but let's be honest, are we really here for the science?</p><p>Well Lt Crawley is as she very quickly blames this development on the experimental transgenic accelerator that the Siren crew were testing.<br /></p><p>Anyway upon leaving the sub Sven soon comes across not only a dead body and an old toilet seat but mysterious jet stream of warm water emanating from a crack in the seabed.<br /></p><p>Everything is going swimmingly (sorry) as he carefully takes a sample of the kelp but as soon as he tries to take some photographs the flash awakens the vines which tear him limb from limb.<br /></p><p>Shocked and more than a little surprised by their encounter with the killer seaweed the crew decide to surface and radio for back-up only to find the sub engulfed by what looks like a discarded condom that attempts to crush them - and the sub - to death.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegGc99loidTd-JJHqn3bQ2rs_x5-B12EYbxSf-1of2L29lFFpmfVtyu3PLxzpSHL0iDjIsFCXgAnXbZX-O5PWjeUcOVxwMlzQOKViF3Vnri5OxgtlIue9HMAbqx2eCMJ5SZkrW4j5JV8shGEoFWk4B0XynqOC5e4dxmJm1gsejGa7QEvL7rdW7-jNJyGV/s434/tumblr_4ae2a938caf8feae966673e57dc735b7_1070e13b_500.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="259" data-original-width="434" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegGc99loidTd-JJHqn3bQ2rs_x5-B12EYbxSf-1of2L29lFFpmfVtyu3PLxzpSHL0iDjIsFCXgAnXbZX-O5PWjeUcOVxwMlzQOKViF3Vnri5OxgtlIue9HMAbqx2eCMJ5SZkrW4j5JV8shGEoFWk4B0XynqOC5e4dxmJm1gsejGa7QEvL7rdW7-jNJyGV/w400-h239/tumblr_4ae2a938caf8feae966673e57dc735b7_1070e13b_500.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>No caption required.</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>Luckily Hayes knows a thing or two about dealing with used condoms and orders Robbins to reverse the polarity of the subs shields in order to electrocute it and scare it away.</p><p>Look it sounded legit at the time.</p><p>Surprisingly this actually works and the condom beast retreats but not before draining all the ships power sending it hurtling to not just the bottom of the ocean (which is <span class="ILfuVd" lang="en"><span class="hgKElc">35,876 feet down and is found in the Pacific Ocean's Mariana Trench, at a place called Challenger Deep fact fans) but even further still to 45,000 feet according to the ships readouts. </span></span></p><p><span class="ILfuVd" lang="en"><span class="hgKElc">Now I'm no scientist but surely that would mean that they'd go all the way thru and pop out the other side a wee bit like the end of At The Earth's Core or something doesn't it?</span></span></p><p>As all around him panic, Hayes manages to pilot the sub onto a handy ledge that leads into a pressurized undersea cavern from which - deep inside - they pick up an SOS from the Siren. <br /></p><p>Which is quite lucky seeing as when the crew investigate they can do it in decorators overalls and painters masks rather that in expensive scuba gear whilst wobbling about on wires as they're filmed thru' a fish tank.</p><p> </p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifGaakCfmxe3Vp0jAvRPnGZX1avqzPg4L4jPLmbM2eu_ZBU30oe7hdg9l_fYHerW98CdyGNdLLiUpTSrOhmoNYTO9l1PCJYbm6NmP90jPLnyTWzDelgMwNT_tOZyvfoqc_XLlkHccE2xpc4JlxFTAZoqfc7oa53Uau1bFx5c8qxXIZLflCBEXEOMN3qHYr/s1200/54IZXddPgqs5UENijiOMnre0Acg-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifGaakCfmxe3Vp0jAvRPnGZX1avqzPg4L4jPLmbM2eu_ZBU30oe7hdg9l_fYHerW98CdyGNdLLiUpTSrOhmoNYTO9l1PCJYbm6NmP90jPLnyTWzDelgMwNT_tOZyvfoqc_XLlkHccE2xpc4JlxFTAZoqfc7oa53Uau1bFx5c8qxXIZLflCBEXEOMN3qHYr/w400-h225/54IZXddPgqs5UENijiOMnre0Acg-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Here come the Belgians!</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p>Boarding a kiddies Paw Patrol dingy the crew soon make shore where they come across scattered piles of equipment from the siren but no signs of life - or intelligent script writing obviously - so decide to head further into the caverns where they find a huge stack of high-tech CD roms explaining the entire plot (which is quite lucky).</p><p>Preparing to head back to the sub they're suddenly attacked - in a scene that would do 70s Doctor Who proud - by giant ball-headed paper-mache bees that live in holes in the cave walls.<br /></p><p>Imagine Aliens remade by Haribo infused toddlers and you're halfway there.</p><p>The team split up, running and screaming in different directions with Hayes and "Skeets" (and someone else but seeing as they're all wearing masks I can't really tell) managing to make it back to the sub before the character that's not either of them gets eaten by a giant rubbery mutant cod.</p><p>Who knew genetic splicing could be so much fun? <br /></p><p>Unfortunately it's no safer aboard the Siren II tho' as the kelp sample has mutated (again) and has begun infecting the crew via the subs water system and making the engine room look like an overgrown garden.</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfkk0wkM9CMJNeiT0qsCAW8oex7AQUmLr9gA-BMJEk3FtdZgoOMdCZBAOE8Rz426z-t-A_EcP4gyma3UZv6dC-uC8EjnDSi3HN4YM1_a6fAb3qRRXaHNYmr4puGz3Sf9UshdGehOR_fY0mFHiWRKnnbD6mWVjpmI-l-AEan1PxY3Rm1A0ZJu1TNZKMUgP/s750/The-Rift-1990-Movie-Screenshot19.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="750" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIfkk0wkM9CMJNeiT0qsCAW8oex7AQUmLr9gA-BMJEk3FtdZgoOMdCZBAOE8Rz426z-t-A_EcP4gyma3UZv6dC-uC8EjnDSi3HN4YM1_a6fAb3qRRXaHNYmr4puGz3Sf9UshdGehOR_fY0mFHiWRKnnbD6mWVjpmI-l-AEan1PxY3Rm1A0ZJu1TNZKMUgP/w400-h214/The-Rift-1990-Movie-Screenshot19.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Laugh now.</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p>As our heroes discuss a plan of action the radio crackles to life. It appears that poor Ana is trapped in a cupboard, low on ammo and surrounded by beasts.</p><p>Obviously Hayes decides to mount a rescue mission (as opposed to mounting "Skeets" who I must admit has a really nice arse, especially in those aforementioned silk shorts) so the remaining crew suit up and head back into the caves.<br /></p><p>Fighting their way toward Ana the team are (fairly) surprised - this happens a lot - to discover a room full of specimen cages and computers whilst Ana, heading deeper into the makeshift lab complex has discovered dozens of amniotic sacs contain strange hybrid human/fish babies (or people from West Bromwich as we call them here) alongside a giant genetic splicer cum DNA accelerator that surprisingly looks like a large industrial washing machine with a disco ball on top.</p><p>Oh yes and a giant man-eating starfish stuck to a wall.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQDA93brkthK1Py1SeJ10DDnmsT_MuKfprJiAbdYS75TQSUM9HGBbfFt559rF6bVdhEQR4IKJr969vC57TUh0YWIzbFw1zO_qUs4mZ6pOPngA14siU9-FmsWmaI-XOQYNdJpfCT6_mhS3edXCvdWoIbpG3zaTqSbIPNm4geA1DOdc7J3RJjz3wSBetWFJ/s785/Giant_Sea_Anemone.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="785" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQDA93brkthK1Py1SeJ10DDnmsT_MuKfprJiAbdYS75TQSUM9HGBbfFt559rF6bVdhEQR4IKJr969vC57TUh0YWIzbFw1zO_qUs4mZ6pOPngA14siU9-FmsWmaI-XOQYNdJpfCT6_mhS3edXCvdWoIbpG3zaTqSbIPNm4geA1DOdc7J3RJjz3wSBetWFJ/w400-h294/Giant_Sea_Anemone.webp" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>At least it's not chocolate.</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>Unfortunately Ana doesn't get much chance to examine the beast as no sooner has she stopped for breath than some slimy tentacles slip out of the accelerator and drag her inside in order to fiddle with her genes.</p><p>Tho' I thought she was wearing Chinos.<br /></p><p>But as our merry band fight for survival in the caves, Robbins is busy back at the sub packing the recovered CDs into a rucksack before prepping the escape pod. </p><p>It seems he's a government spy who's only onboard to recover the missing data and dispose of anyone who discovers the truth regarding the fate of Siren I.</p><p>What a rascal.<br /></p><p>Will Hayes and co. make it back to the sub in time?</p><p>Or will Robbins kill our heroes and score one for the evil government agency?</p><p>Go on, guess.</p></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWxkFyv-ig04gng9D4hJvT0Y-E0KM4_sw0rDFfKiXwcpt-If1c3S1kt7YbHJk4hqW4tM3CrOjSyclxq2okdp7b7XmeXc9uuwsL2EgVPwJL9iVacPQ9YxvwzYQr2-rJ7WraqUkSDcmdREA1bO2cEUtDgTPbwGOv7I40tFI0JJ9ZE8Skd_9pb60rzHUPS7NU/s1580/MV5BOGRjZTAyNDItZjJhYS00YzU5LTlhODgtYTk3ZjZkZTBhZTg3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1580" data-original-width="1102" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWxkFyv-ig04gng9D4hJvT0Y-E0KM4_sw0rDFfKiXwcpt-If1c3S1kt7YbHJk4hqW4tM3CrOjSyclxq2okdp7b7XmeXc9uuwsL2EgVPwJL9iVacPQ9YxvwzYQr2-rJ7WraqUkSDcmdREA1bO2cEUtDgTPbwGOv7I40tFI0JJ9ZE8Skd_9pb60rzHUPS7NU/w279-h400/MV5BOGRjZTAyNDItZjJhYS00YzU5LTlhODgtYTk3ZjZkZTBhZTg3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" width="279" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div><p>Strange as it may seem to any youngsters reading, way back in the late 80s/early 90s there was a huge upsurge in underwater adventure movies James Cameron had announced The Abyss so almost every film company and producer going, from Roger Corman to Dino De Laurentiis jumped in at the deep end to snatch a piece of this fish pie.</p><p>Obviously with all the secrecy surrounding The Abyss everyone assumed that the movie would be in the same style as Aliens so water-based bio-mechanoid menaces were on the bill with Lords Of The Deep, Leviathan and Deepstar Six among the first to be released.</p><p> Bizarrely there's more than just a cash-grab genre link with Leviathan and The Rift, you see both films were co-produced by (an uncredited) Dino De Laurentiis who must have really loved this script.</p><p>Or needed a tax break obviously.</p><p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHxkIpjxtV127Z-cUXTRlfFUIMVj95jbN1CMW0K4jOume1o7vP5YfZUv3oltl0aTUtFh7FGgq56m_lbHQvWLcUYQ-yqQheqELHYpeMqO6RhAkRWF46Qf5BEBAWrL3_wO29zNfCsrviwFFhyphenhyphenGX0bz2IjHaNOtGiPWZF7IeMacFuGNpIW8-bPqBQK12-YywM/s2712/MV5BYmI5MGE1NTMtMGI4ZC00MzljLWI4OWItZjRlN2NmZTZhMzQwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTA0MjU0Ng@@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2024" data-original-width="2712" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHxkIpjxtV127Z-cUXTRlfFUIMVj95jbN1CMW0K4jOume1o7vP5YfZUv3oltl0aTUtFh7FGgq56m_lbHQvWLcUYQ-yqQheqELHYpeMqO6RhAkRWF46Qf5BEBAWrL3_wO29zNfCsrviwFFhyphenhyphenGX0bz2IjHaNOtGiPWZF7IeMacFuGNpIW8-bPqBQK12-YywM/w400-h299/MV5BYmI5MGE1NTMtMGI4ZC00MzljLWI4OWItZjRlN2NmZTZhMzQwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTA0MjU0Ng@@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"You chase me now!"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>So with that tiny bit of backstory out of the way the main question is - is it any good?</p><p>Well it's from Juan Piquer Simon that made <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2019/07/bits-n-bobs.html" target="_blank">Pieces</a> so it all kinda rest on what you think of that really.</p><p>Oh and if you enjoyed his adaptation of Slugs obviously.</p><p>But probably not Cthulhu Mansion as that is genuinely shite.</p><p>Even tho' it features the frankly fantastic Frank Finlay and another star turn from Frank Braña.</p><p>Oh and Melanie Shatner.</p><p>But I digress. <br /></p><p>The Rift is cheap as chips with an almost total lack of any acting or characterization (save for Ray Wise and his coffee jitters and the permanently scowling R. Lee Ermey) and a plot so paper thin that it actually blew away at one point when I moved too quickly past the teevee to have a piss, the effects could hardly be call 'special' or even effects and the monsters are hardly seen (except for the big starfish that is which just bought <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2016/06/egg-box-frenzy.html" target="_blank">Contamination</a> to mind, whether that's good or bad I'll leave to you) but bizarrely enough I couldn't stop watching.</p><p>Yes maybe I'd drunk way too much and couldn't move from the sofa but I could've still passed out if it were that bad.</p><p>I mean ask your Auntie Jean if you don't believe me.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRr4EfWsTLsH4xkn9pJgTKPauFA6F_jEQfeMgs0P1c05LaMnaXuL_VeIrSURm075YZCfL493C0hXWiTo_8JDizt9hsCbkem2zzOUMnmufpjM07Pa62vy-oj8BYVvM5IRZKydU7nSsRmjtMtLaHe9ig2nEYE5jreOO-vn57NVpWtIh8CEX95p5H4_AgRpQd/s742/MV5BMTVhZDU1N2QtOTg2ZS00YjgxLTk2MGMtOGE1NTEyNTNlMGNlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="564" data-original-width="742" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRr4EfWsTLsH4xkn9pJgTKPauFA6F_jEQfeMgs0P1c05LaMnaXuL_VeIrSURm075YZCfL493C0hXWiTo_8JDizt9hsCbkem2zzOUMnmufpjM07Pa62vy-oj8BYVvM5IRZKydU7nSsRmjtMtLaHe9ig2nEYE5jreOO-vn57NVpWtIh8CEX95p5H4_AgRpQd/w400-h304/MV5BMTVhZDU1N2QtOTg2ZS00YjgxLTk2MGMtOGE1NTEyNTNlMGNlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTAxODYyODI@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Studly.</b></i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: left;">But scarily it's infinitely watchable - yes you've seen it all before (and done so much better) but somehow it wins you over and by the end credits you realise that it wasn't actually that bad at all.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I'm either getting soft in my old age or I'm beginning to lose my mind as I hit my mid 50s.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Either way happy new year all.</p></div>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-78487173153419867012023-12-28T03:00:00.000+00:002023-12-28T03:00:00.234+00:00people you fancy but shouldn't (part 110).<p style="text-align: center;">Mimi Heinrich, the pixie-esque, fright fringed star of Blændværk - where she became famous as the first ever nude actress in a Danish movie.</p><p style="text-align: center;"> Outside Denmark she was mostly known for her roles in the cult movies <a href="https://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2023/12/dragons-den.html" target="_blank">Reptilicus</a> and Journey to the Seventh Planet as well as being a perfect genetic melding of Noomi Rapace and Bjork. </p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgT05rykqRFA2qk6_tYC0rC3YmyFvAzfZbGqyCoZovjOEiY3tHiQ1FkiAYrbrtzJQOqNcCqKheSGCONkHgt6FCPoAQy5n7Lfi03nkwyylRTt-78LPyaTbtBXbcr78Xp73YuhojlaXL2TUmWAgmkmJrmcRhZX9CmlC6ReAaUf1txaSE5dJd9mhNjIrf46Tc/s750/MV5BZWNhMzRkZjUtNWEyNy00YWEwLWI0N2MtZjEwN2UzZjU1ODJjXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNDYxOTY1Njg@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="594" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgT05rykqRFA2qk6_tYC0rC3YmyFvAzfZbGqyCoZovjOEiY3tHiQ1FkiAYrbrtzJQOqNcCqKheSGCONkHgt6FCPoAQy5n7Lfi03nkwyylRTt-78LPyaTbtBXbcr78Xp73YuhojlaXL2TUmWAgmkmJrmcRhZX9CmlC6ReAaUf1txaSE5dJd9mhNjIrf46Tc/w316-h400/MV5BZWNhMzRkZjUtNWEyNy00YWEwLWI0N2MtZjEwN2UzZjU1ODJjXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNDYxOTY1Njg@._V1_.jpg" width="316" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-80304051443909886622023-12-27T21:41:00.001+00:002023-12-27T21:41:15.604+00:00dragon's den.<p>With it being the holidays I'm spending the week drunkenly eating rubbish whilst gorging myself on great movies.</p><p>And this one.<br /></p>Reptilicus (1961).<div><p>Dir: Danish version: Poul Bang, English version: Sidney W. Pink</p><p>Cast: Carl Ottosen as General Mark Grayson, Ann Smyrner, Mimi Heinrich, Asbjørn Andersen, Bodil Miller (or Marla Behrens), Bent Mejding as Svend Viltorft<br />Povl Wøldike as Dr. Peter Dalby<br />Dirch Passer as Peterson<br />Ole Wisborg as Captain Brandt<br />Claus Toksvig as himself as himself, Jens Due<br /></p><p> </p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJPaIyLd4yXKzLtzAAqlc9lwdV1NVK-fzUZVYQQQ9Tg3q2C38yxaETbNK_LsFOLA64UKQkRuij1ZsSiXXRZVXnrvMMQ-Rj5STuy3h7pc2GPvKngaAGOtG4dAHSEEAhyyXrIkH_51vPcRb5F85UASbb5F1B9JcDw2onIQhdUxltO8IH-tX28wlJP9eNEA/s3000/REPTILICUS_(3).JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="1983" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJPaIyLd4yXKzLtzAAqlc9lwdV1NVK-fzUZVYQQQ9Tg3q2C38yxaETbNK_LsFOLA64UKQkRuij1ZsSiXXRZVXnrvMMQ-Rj5STuy3h7pc2GPvKngaAGOtG4dAHSEEAhyyXrIkH_51vPcRb5F85UASbb5F1B9JcDw2onIQhdUxltO8IH-tX28wlJP9eNEA/w265-h400/REPTILICUS_(3).JPG" width="265" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> <b><i>“We're not accustomed to seeing such a beautiful woman connected to science!”</i></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p><br />Our story begins “somewhere in the forbidding Arctic tundra of Lapland” where, bizarrely enough, a hunky band of dishy Danish miners (in short sleeves, I mean how tough are they?) are busy we are told - via a fairly sexy it has to be said from our soon-to-be heroic lead, General Mark Grayson - taking loads of core samples (no me neither) whilst doing a variety of complicated things with a huge Meccano set.</p><p>Or at least they would be if it wasn't broken. </p><p>Scraping shite off the drill head and picking old condoms and broken Buckfast bottles out of the pipe head miner Svend Viltorft (Mejding) discovers that a huge chunk of floppy, bloodied meat surrounded by bits of bone has jammed the drill and stopped it working.</p><p>And bizarrely the meat is still fresh.</p><p>As if from a living creature.</p><p>Yowzers.<br /></p><p>Quickly realizing that you don't usually find the remains of someones Sunday lunch (or in fact bits of the person eating it) whilst digging for oil, Svend decides to the take the bits to the University Of Stuff Found Whilst Drilling in the picturesque city of Copenhagen to ask the esteemed Professor Martens (<span>ball-faced actor, director and founder member of ABBA </span>Andersen) and his associate, Dr. Dalby (pervy of specs but high of hair Wøldike) what they make of it.</p><p>The fact that Svend has been surrounded by big burly men for six months and that Martens has two daughters - blonde bombshell Lise (Boots make-up counter server wannabe Smyrner) and the utterly hatstand but totally adorable Karen (the pixie-esque, fright fringed star of <span>Blændværk - where she became famous as the first </span><span class="sc-16ede01-2 gXUyNh" data-testid="plot-xl" role="presentation">ever nude actress in a Danish movie</span><span> - and my latest cinema obsession </span>Heinrich) has nothing to do with his choice of expert obviously. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUG1vcEe75QOAFDTLzXmevdfG8Fo7wrekev52CCBInLXA53UumYuRPhbFtp4WKMkwQqijMUTpvQgYrZmLgc_NwFTYxfN03B4_CUlkC3eDncUl261kt8ew9dswCraQqBGN4phckQvSJdVKBTMrspf7v-lCrZ2I4HQPEVmF5Hrtpb2S8Tmar8leN5lABvA/s625/625full-mimi-heinrich.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="517" data-original-width="625" height="331" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUG1vcEe75QOAFDTLzXmevdfG8Fo7wrekev52CCBInLXA53UumYuRPhbFtp4WKMkwQqijMUTpvQgYrZmLgc_NwFTYxfN03B4_CUlkC3eDncUl261kt8ew9dswCraQqBGN4phckQvSJdVKBTMrspf7v-lCrZ2I4HQPEVmF5Hrtpb2S8Tmar8leN5lABvA/w400-h331/625full-mimi-heinrich.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Heinrich: maneuver.</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Remember tho' no science fiction monster movie is complete without a plucky newspaper reporter to make up the numbers (which is a shame but hey ho) so enter - roughly and from behind Pease Morghann (Due) who will spend the rest of the film suggestively sucking on the tip of a pencil and pouting.</p><p>Popping the sample in a big bath, Martens surmises that the chuck of flesh actually comes from a still living creature and by slowly adding cold water and bubblebath to the mix they can probably find out exactly what species it actually is, which if I'm honest sounds a wee bit more complicated than just heading back to the site and digging the rest of it up.</p><p>Actually in the cold harsh light of day it sounds absolute bollocks. <br /></p><p>But what do I know, I draw shit for a living. </p><p>And with that Martens leaves Dalby to keep an eye on things whilst his (aforementioned) daughters paw violently at Svend as the foursome head out into town for a handy Copenhagen travelogue.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtDqLD7e_iOFK1uJHfpPNCZkCvb8zEvo7gS8TWFgnOQwexMKnA3QujHxbtNtXjgxPXIEBGmhGz88wRmSYTQIZt66im7B1Wxi3pCP6U0iq3wwDO8YOsqaWNqUjl7zcsAWainiGBPQFeADdvfS9l9YIVTmi53ATw0qjYoosog27Y3LLzor5c4b-9XhXoKg/s480/Reptilicus-1961-movie-Sidney-W-Pink-5.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="480" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtDqLD7e_iOFK1uJHfpPNCZkCvb8zEvo7gS8TWFgnOQwexMKnA3QujHxbtNtXjgxPXIEBGmhGz88wRmSYTQIZt66im7B1Wxi3pCP6U0iq3wwDO8YOsqaWNqUjl7zcsAWainiGBPQFeADdvfS9l9YIVTmi53ATw0qjYoosog27Y3LLzor5c4b-9XhXoKg/w400-h224/Reptilicus-1961-movie-Sidney-W-Pink-5.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Are you looking at my bra?"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><br />Whilst all this sightseeing, flirting and eating is going down, the universities night watchman, Peter Peterson (wild eyed Danish comedy god and real-life Mater, Passer) is left in charge of making sure the samples temperature stays constant whilst Dalby busies himself doodling cocks in all the text books.</p><p>Probably.<br /> </p><p>I mean if I'm honest this whole section is just an excuse for some top knockabout comedy as Peterson hilariously bumps into various bits of furniture before amusingly fingering an electric eel.</p><p>No, really. <br /></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3U0BQR5sUwF9U0VgiiV8ml3yqdx5Anz2zp3ji0vYfMSYFKYobMZdt6zd59LIjYeob-NyQCI3UArSYwSYAR25eufUgOsPhdWpe9yP0eWJQchCTBaXt5kTvvVilU47Xrl_zDBKzkRtrOlBBJBLVFNcZCEdFoECFFOveWsSnJzABIthC_4jS3V6GT2nOsQ/s200/KPfAqed.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="150" data-original-width="200" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3U0BQR5sUwF9U0VgiiV8ml3yqdx5Anz2zp3ji0vYfMSYFKYobMZdt6zd59LIjYeob-NyQCI3UArSYwSYAR25eufUgOsPhdWpe9yP0eWJQchCTBaXt5kTvvVilU47Xrl_zDBKzkRtrOlBBJBLVFNcZCEdFoECFFOveWsSnJzABIthC_4jS3V6GT2nOsQ/w400-h300/KPfAqed.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>He did WHAT in his cup?</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br />After all this eel molestation, Peterson sneaks off for a crafty wank leaving Dalby to fall asleep at his desk after not closing the lab door properly which causes - yep, you guessed it - the sample to go all warm and mushy.<br /> </p><p>Martens is understandably fairly pissed off by this turn of events but just as he's about to thrash Dalby with his belt Lise points out that the warm air appears to have made the chunky flesh lump grow.</p><p>Yup, whatever the thing in the lab is, it's now regenerating.<br /><br />Realising that this is well above their pay-grade, Dalby and Martens request the help of world famous UNESCO troubleshooter Connie Miller (Behrens or Miller depending which version you're watching) who upon arrival, just stands around looking concerned whilst Martens rubs his thighs and generally leches over her.</p><p>Luckily she has the studly (and aforementioned) American General Mark Grayson (tiny-eyed Ottosen, best know as Kommissær Boucard from the 1972 TV movie Hotel Paradiso - not that one - fact fans) to protect her from any unwanted advances, which is lucky as he's seems to serve no other purpose to the plot at this point, I mean not even his superiors have told him why he's there so as it is he just stands around in a jaunty hat looking either angry or confused.<br /><br />Exactly like the viewers.</p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9uMPtV6c--4YI324ZCCsQ5-X7NqP6MMOC3woV3NIHL188Ux-AY8_9J1LqhytNNEeFkvQRUyC27fd246w3MlfXagqsns9KL-sz0URZ9rWlX5Ck3Dh9kEIYFIL-T50TzRt1n_UWmWuk9uBmtQqN68GriM4-nibUJkJkXIkUYeH2yejPkH_znYGLqo0TXQ/s1150/MV5BYThmYzFiMmYtMTIyYi00NGU3LTg4NmYtYjMyNjEzYzI0ZTI0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTk5NzQ5Ng@@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1150" data-original-width="1042" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9uMPtV6c--4YI324ZCCsQ5-X7NqP6MMOC3woV3NIHL188Ux-AY8_9J1LqhytNNEeFkvQRUyC27fd246w3MlfXagqsns9KL-sz0URZ9rWlX5Ck3Dh9kEIYFIL-T50TzRt1n_UWmWuk9uBmtQqN68GriM4-nibUJkJkXIkUYeH2yejPkH_znYGLqo0TXQ/s320/MV5BYThmYzFiMmYtMTIyYi00NGU3LTg4NmYtYjMyNjEzYzI0ZTI0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTk5NzQ5Ng@@._V1_.jpg" width="290" /></a></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRaAgzEYY75wQcy-v1K5JL-Eq04tWLS4qlXRt5gNgdOqPUG8z0czNaw10opC5KoP2Gg8wcuGsD4O02Ehof7YNzOei24ndYpbySVKiG8xaR9gSHcPotR9EiI2QSIA7-dFaMltfqObKMWMMVZR7WJidPD4ZuFbpBs8DaR3mSf7ZUhxPxvoFkBDQJEPaHbA/s967/MV5BMDQxOWI2NTMtNGUzNC00NzVhLTkzNWQtZmRmZmFmNzZlNzVhXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTcyODY2NDQ@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="967" data-original-width="745" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRaAgzEYY75wQcy-v1K5JL-Eq04tWLS4qlXRt5gNgdOqPUG8z0czNaw10opC5KoP2Gg8wcuGsD4O02Ehof7YNzOei24ndYpbySVKiG8xaR9gSHcPotR9EiI2QSIA7-dFaMltfqObKMWMMVZR7WJidPD4ZuFbpBs8DaR3mSf7ZUhxPxvoFkBDQJEPaHbA/w309-h400/MV5BMDQxOWI2NTMtNGUzNC00NzVhLTkzNWQtZmRmZmFmNzZlNzVhXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTcyODY2NDQ@._V1_.jpg" width="309" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Behrens or Miller - Tunnel or funnel?</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>Good old Martens manages to calm the General down tho, by informing him that everything will be explained at the press conference being held in the canteen that very afternoon and, if he behaves himself - not shouting at or shooting anyone, his daughters will take him out on a double date alongside his Dutch counterpart Captain Joe Brandt (Wisborg, who you may recognise from <span>the saucy 1970 Danish/ American sexploitation epic Daddy Darling).<br /></span></p><p>So pay attention cos here's the science part.<br /></p><p>It seems that using 'the science', Martens and Dalby have invented a special nutrient mix that, when fed into the bath will enable them to control the creatures growth and make sure it doesn't grow to giant size and destroy the city.</p><p>Barring electrical storms obviously.</p><p>Oh yes and the creature now has a name. </p><p>Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Reptilicus Martenus.</p><p>Or Steven as he's known to his friends. </p><p>Cue one of those spinney headline scenes so beloved of the time. <br /></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD274vxpVkAT9n-IBwmC4Aj7EnhYa8dbZBxi_zlqHEVU7ffxsRUsgIVxlCGsNWG0B7Z8gDbVU5Xc-FethdYk-XX8-s_JB_Sn5GSHOt7kigFbSkK-x1sGtvqS_uwS8X53joNJdKPtGzl83P3S-diQHUmZeTczqtSzhh4OmnlkuH-yxtngstgydj7BSV7A/s897/MV5BYjU1N2I2MmYtZWMzMS00N2I5LTkzYjMtNzYxMDYwMzE2MDE5XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTI1MDY3NjYw._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="656" data-original-width="897" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD274vxpVkAT9n-IBwmC4Aj7EnhYa8dbZBxi_zlqHEVU7ffxsRUsgIVxlCGsNWG0B7Z8gDbVU5Xc-FethdYk-XX8-s_JB_Sn5GSHOt7kigFbSkK-x1sGtvqS_uwS8X53joNJdKPtGzl83P3S-diQHUmZeTczqtSzhh4OmnlkuH-yxtngstgydj7BSV7A/w400-h293/MV5BYjU1N2I2MmYtZWMzMS00N2I5LTkzYjMtNzYxMDYwMzE2MDE5XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTI1MDY3NjYw._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Boiled onions!"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>Not everyone is happy with the news tho' as grumpy Grayson soon realises that he's been assigned to lead the lizard tail protection squad, meaning he's gonna be expected to stand in the corner of the office for a few weeks staring angrily at Peterson as he performs various comedy turns whilst Lise and Karen take it in turns rubbing their crotches up and down his leg.</p><p>So it's not all bad then.<br /><br />Especially Peterson's genius sandwich-based microscope routine when he puts a bit of his sandwich under the aforementioned microscope before peering thru the eye-piece only to be so horrified by the teeny tiny microbes on it that he burps really loudly in disgust.</p><p>Comedy gold I'm sure you'll agree. <br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFmV6ctnb_qlhLD81Q-WaSjtKyXuEtch58GIX5DbfWW5pzbItUA0Ly-wAhTclv1-m5nhhMQb_N_1EAftXCDHxnwKyRxpoqUXxv2fhw_FWLNWlW45zNO4Zf0M9jojYGQxmWt8SgCPx2TznXKOq_-qsuvR7fIV7i0afheJvTbMHVGWLTVguoyizkP97p7Rm/s1000/MV5BYjY1NzY2ODgtZjRhZC00YWU0LWJmOTEtMjIwZjgxYzY4YTNmXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNzc5NjM0NA@@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="1000" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFmV6ctnb_qlhLD81Q-WaSjtKyXuEtch58GIX5DbfWW5pzbItUA0Ly-wAhTclv1-m5nhhMQb_N_1EAftXCDHxnwKyRxpoqUXxv2fhw_FWLNWlW45zNO4Zf0M9jojYGQxmWt8SgCPx2TznXKOq_-qsuvR7fIV7i0afheJvTbMHVGWLTVguoyizkP97p7Rm/w400-h300/MV5BYjY1NzY2ODgtZjRhZC00YWU0LWJmOTEtMjIwZjgxYzY4YTNmXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNzc5NjM0NA@@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Insert cock here.</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>As you can probably tell, the films pace can be best described as leisurely.</p><p>Anyway after more hi-jinks, more grumpiness from Grayson, extra flirting from Lise and Karen things of an actual monster movie style nature eventually start to happen when Marten's orders them to pour even more nutrient fluid into the tank causing the beast to start bubbling and growing before quickly cutting to yet another travelogue as the cast head out to enjoy a musical cabaret featuring none other than Danish top entertainer and former Eurovision entry Birthe Wilke who wows the crowd with her timeless classic <a href="https://youtu.be/TCiY-hB8_OQ?si=P1gL0h5yAyBjYRz1" target="_blank">Tivoli Nights</a>.</p><p>No really.</p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqjk9K4XAg3gznJP6OZBrJMrYjFtUq9MqmltUZnLdbWmUA3eKlrJnzPx9GKp6GJPkttvDxBv9DLkx1jnrKbd0A065m6JciVaihTc6PZNisbokm4nGbGC9R-U27qrDxmQf10llNmM2X-YyTsKZRja1u-oj9Rkw5XWu9iGVrH5XVV561DNpSiXx06M3Ig9ZQ/s3326/BirtheWilke.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3326" data-original-width="2687" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqjk9K4XAg3gznJP6OZBrJMrYjFtUq9MqmltUZnLdbWmUA3eKlrJnzPx9GKp6GJPkttvDxBv9DLkx1jnrKbd0A065m6JciVaihTc6PZNisbokm4nGbGC9R-U27qrDxmQf10llNmM2X-YyTsKZRja1u-oj9Rkw5XWu9iGVrH5XVV561DNpSiXx06M3Ig9ZQ/w324-h400/BirtheWilke.webp" width="324" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Birthe Wilke: Ask your granddad.</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br />But as all this singing, boozing and furtive fondling is going on a storm is brewing over downtown Copenhagen causing Reptilicus to totally regenerate and escape from his tank.</p><p>Tho' not that quickly obviously as the whole thing is intercut with even more comedy pratfalls, sleeping scientists and drinking alongside a vaguely amusing sequence where Peterson attempts to ride his bike to the police station for help whilst Dalby waves a gun around for some reason.<br /><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9WhWH2YIYhHhXmyluboUOc2y2c2jPRx3wUQjiSLM3TYxvNmQ1Y07yTgVuZgVGE5xwt28p0mg-oCHbGg0qhX3em15J5I8eXTxUOHzEI9goOny560DuOCU6kRRMTt9tySRIFHFC6MDOiONAuHsTMQwWI85jpUetHIaBh5qAXbwIjSNgpR4YqdYIljV663iJ/s670/reptilicus-slime.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="502" data-original-width="670" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9WhWH2YIYhHhXmyluboUOc2y2c2jPRx3wUQjiSLM3TYxvNmQ1Y07yTgVuZgVGE5xwt28p0mg-oCHbGg0qhX3em15J5I8eXTxUOHzEI9goOny560DuOCU6kRRMTt9tySRIFHFC6MDOiONAuHsTMQwWI85jpUetHIaBh5qAXbwIjSNgpR4YqdYIljV663iJ/w400-h300/reptilicus-slime.webp" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Laugh now!"</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>All this beast-based chaos gives Grayson a chance to shine, so he wastes no time setting up a 'command centre' in an old school gym and surround himself with the best scientific and military minds he can (well all of those not good enough to join Doctor Who's UNIT, Dad's Army or even Hogan's Heroes obviously) whilst covering the walls with maps from the local school.<br /><br />Laugh all you like but this course of action seems to work and they soon receive a phone call informing them that Reptilicus has been spotted shouting abuse at a field full of cows on a small farm just off the coast. <br /> </p><p>Cue shit-loads of stock footage of soldiers jumping into trucks and riding around in jeeps whilst carefully polishing large pieces of field artillery, all cut to a triumphant 'umpa' score.</p><p>Seriously I'm hard just thinking about it.</p><p>Well, thinking about that and Mimi Heinrich if I'm honest.</p><p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53MsOU78gilPQr-aomDILHDNbHeKHaYId84YfO6THw6E4XPF4LeA_vCTwiPGS4BcpxJLsf79x72ymMRgXg-GAX-Me2R_ayikyH6I6O84FC_r8ddGwYTNy9VfM-UdIKYDdV4OMzcnvG-F6SrSFOHSnIEr9yqD5e6cgNCvX330hHlqelNmgbRx4kvaJbrAw/s400/reptilicus%20HEAD.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="400" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53MsOU78gilPQr-aomDILHDNbHeKHaYId84YfO6THw6E4XPF4LeA_vCTwiPGS4BcpxJLsf79x72ymMRgXg-GAX-Me2R_ayikyH6I6O84FC_r8ddGwYTNy9VfM-UdIKYDdV4OMzcnvG-F6SrSFOHSnIEr9yqD5e6cgNCvX330hHlqelNmgbRx4kvaJbrAw/w400-h300/reptilicus%20HEAD.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Spice Girls number one for Christmas...MONSTA!"</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Upon arrival at the farm our heroes find Reptilicus hiding in a barn (his tail is sticking out which gives him away) and Grayson gives the order to open fire giving the director to present us with even more stock footage intercut with shots of a threadbare dinosaur puppet vomiting cartoon-acid-spit in the general direction of the where the soldiers would be if any of this were in any way real or competently made. <br /><br />But Reptilicus soon gets bored of all these stock footage based shenanigans (either that or the director found editing together action sequences way too complex) and decides to fuck off to the beach in the hope of scaring some topless sunbathers whilst a visibly annoyed (or is that aroused?) Grayson shakes his fist whilst exclaiming that “It's scales are like armor plates!” before realising that this'd be a good excuse to call in the big guns.<br /></p><p>And by big guns I mean Svend armed with a flamethrower sitting in a jeep.</p>So with that in place the pair ride off toward the beach desperately trying to ignite the flame with a knock-off Zippo.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiztGFmMajHyBbkjJYcpJjcX6s_y_849RGSSxmLr4nxZpEG5X0uKQyrrZd-HgjARpceH0Z1eASaQTVMWIl4wRrFzrG9sWYpi7VSSVgOuIq070havGrQr6DSD9Nfb4VSGeQrW-Bqc0SP76CIQ9oYo1cd5XfN-MrIvHC5mjspvHk2e5oYOjBkaIqM1sXnmJ/s784/338a1ea2ee1818b707c59cb986da914e.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="784" height="289" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkiztGFmMajHyBbkjJYcpJjcX6s_y_849RGSSxmLr4nxZpEG5X0uKQyrrZd-HgjARpceH0Z1eASaQTVMWIl4wRrFzrG9sWYpi7VSSVgOuIq070havGrQr6DSD9Nfb4VSGeQrW-Bqc0SP76CIQ9oYo1cd5XfN-MrIvHC5mjspvHk2e5oYOjBkaIqM1sXnmJ/w400-h289/338a1ea2ee1818b707c59cb986da914e.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"You ain't see me right?"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><p><br />Bizarrely the flame-thrower works (probably because Reptilicus is constructed from paper-mache) causing the creature to holler in pain before fucking off under the sea. </p><p>Heading back to the lab, Grayson and Martens reckon it'd be a good idea to do a wee bit of research regarding Reptilicus so to this end decide to consult a childrens dinosaur book (no really) and quickly come to the conclusion that Reptilicus is a kind of mutant brontosaurus cum elephant and is therefore the missing link 'tween reptile and mammals.</p>Seems legit. <br /><p>And with this new information Grayson orders the entire Danish navy to patrol the sea looking for it because that's where elephants hang out obviously. </p><p>Cue even more military stock footage as pages of a calendar flick forward to show the passage of time intercut with various shots of behatted sailors peering thru' binoculars.</p><p>Just when you think the remainder of the film is just going to consist of grainy stock footage and angry men staring till everyone dies of boredom, Grayson receives a message that Reptilicus has been found snoozing in a local bay (next to a kids model boat obviously) and quickly orders a barrage of depth charges be dropped on the sleeping beast.<br /> <br />But as the attack begins Martens realises that if they manage to blow up Reptilicus each chunk of flesh will grow into a new monster, so he sprints down to the beach in order to stop the attack. </p><p>Unfortunately all the excitement causes him to suffer a massive heart attack.</p><p>I assume it's a heart attack as by judging his facial contortions it could actually be a massive cum.</p><p>I mean he is Danish after all.</p><p>Anyway as luck would have it tho' Connie comes to exactly the same conclusion at almost the same time and quickly warns Grayson, who after much huffing and puffing calls off the attack but not before one of the charges explodes right beside Reptilicus causing his right paw to drop off and sink to the ocean floor.</p><p>This may be important later. <br /></p><p>With Lise and Karen off to visit the hospital with Connie it's left to Grayson and Svend to, if not hold the fort, then at least hold up a variety of maps and photos of local tourist spots where Reptilicus may surface next in between sleeping at their desks.<br /><br />For what seems like hours. Again.</p><p>All this serious staring is interrupted (thank fuck) when Brandt bursts in to announce that a Swedish trawler has reported being attacked by Reptilicus.<br /><br />As is the way by now, we don't actually get to see the attack but we are treated to some top quality stock footage of capsized boats and the like as Grayson (in a grave voice-over) explains that Reptilicus strikes so quickly that no-one ever sees him till it's too late, leaving only a trail of death and destruction as evidence he was ever there.</p><p>Which is really lucky for the effects crew if I'm honest.</p><p> </p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTiGTtwMLM5BwIHBUkvl3GvCC-_9YPMM2R0j1McvTSgSERgWGFomz7VdPpoaRL0_NLO0uQvR-CYK4HeoI1d0CSKv2PtZzWPeMZb6x4XZiQ_CisEGVslMj78X3IWg0AvzaRxxi1gaVhf3Tkct-M8txPuKkaTy5n8uzoFNn66DvXawsKpjQiTXpRsD43pupK/s320/mqdefault.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="180" data-original-width="320" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTiGTtwMLM5BwIHBUkvl3GvCC-_9YPMM2R0j1McvTSgSERgWGFomz7VdPpoaRL0_NLO0uQvR-CYK4HeoI1d0CSKv2PtZzWPeMZb6x4XZiQ_CisEGVslMj78X3IWg0AvzaRxxi1gaVhf3Tkct-M8txPuKkaTy5n8uzoFNn66DvXawsKpjQiTXpRsD43pupK/w400-h225/mqdefault.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Do you think he'll swallow me whole?" "No he'll spit that bit out!"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><br />Anyway we're soon back to a beach (I'm assuming it's a different one but to be honest I don't really care) where dozens of holidaymakers are enjoying a a wee bit of frolicking fun without a single worry about the giant monster that's in the news destroying shit and killing folk on a daily basis - which just goes to show how fucking hard the Danish actually are.</p><p> Everything is going swimmingly until that is a loved up pair sneak off behind a rock for a wee bit of kissing and the like only to accidentally bump into Reptilicus and wake him up by accidentally sitting on his snout.<br /></p><p>Reptilicus responds by spewing even more acidic spit on them before attempting to eat everyone on the beach as the army race to the rescue only to see the creature fly off into the distance.<br /><br />Destination?</p><p>Copenhagen!</p><p>The government order for the residents to stay indoors is met with fairly impressive footage of literally hundreds of folk running around the streets in panic - except for the fair few waving at the camera and smiling obviously - as the might of the Danish military take up positions beside various touristy landmarks ready for action.<br /><br />Expecting the films leisurely pace to continue I half imagined this scene to carryy on for at least an hour but surprisingly Reptilicus appears within a minute or so, popping his head up from behind a nearby church giving Grayson the chance to shout "Fire at will!” at anyone who'll listen.</p><p><br />This would probably be a good idea if someone didn't point out to Grayson that they can't use anything bigger than a machine gun in case they damage the buildings. Unfazed Grayson orders the deployment of flame-throwers seeing as bricks don't burn.</p><p>Or something. <br /></p><p>Unfortunately Reptilicus is busy spitting at anyone who gets too close, so the army can only watch in terror as the beast brazenly bounces toward a massive draw bridge (filled with screaming civilians) in the centre of town.<br /><br />Terrified by the beast slowly approaching, the bridge controller begins to raise the bridge for no other reason than to give the Danish stunt team something to do.</p><p>At least I hope it's the stunt team and not just extras desperate for fame seeing as one of them rides his bicycle of the bridge and plunges about 60 feet into the water below.</p><p>Luckily Svend is near by and heroically rushes to the control room and sets the bridge back down allowing the people to flee to safety whilst Reptilicus dives into the water to escape.<br /><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy0S3aNNLZo61SDMry6zJ-cvTmyJnjNuiC4m9D6hTwugY15GdePr5PPsw3gdyz2p28gMYWjVU__HMErsFiu85u5YX0fH2oYasld37TRpueEnPEmp-uQODXgi1DRZEM0JX9VuR06TbW8Lsy87LRrUJXNkW1_OrBhPZ4hBEMEaJwWSK10nRCDtmDVr0n4maj/s320/604397_008.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy0S3aNNLZo61SDMry6zJ-cvTmyJnjNuiC4m9D6hTwugY15GdePr5PPsw3gdyz2p28gMYWjVU__HMErsFiu85u5YX0fH2oYasld37TRpueEnPEmp-uQODXgi1DRZEM0JX9VuR06TbW8Lsy87LRrUJXNkW1_OrBhPZ4hBEMEaJwWSK10nRCDtmDVr0n4maj/w400-h300/604397_008.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"I can see your house from here Peter!"</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>Grayson and Svend angrily head back to base in order to formulate a plan to destroy Reptilicus once and for all, including suggesting trying to blow him up and collecting the bits before they can grow back and digging a big hole and hoping he falls in.</p><p>Grayson being angry and American decides to just go ahead with the whole bombing it idea and is about to order an attack when a slightly peaky Martens stumbles in (propped up by his daughters) to suggest instead that they drug the beast to death instead by firing shells filled with really strong cough medicine directly into the beasts mouth.<br /></p><p>And no I'm not making this up.</p><p>So the race is on to find enough Calpol to fill the shells and destroy Reptilicus before he trashes the whole city....and beyond.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9sokEZhl2ARp0PUgolitgulWpp0DopN3W9hbQCHv2RptYfVLGwHc7Rf6vKh7ooZiDujCegenLiNWq4-mFBROKrHTOiXiU5mPCegi6TfxeCgrTtyofRAnz6NvO3UoCI9cjMRGTCmJ_S-xi8jx8nZqbDhpKcKTGoG52XQLN_37GrXhfvQWa-bOOn7SWuryN/s369/Reptilicus-danish.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="369" data-original-width="270" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9sokEZhl2ARp0PUgolitgulWpp0DopN3W9hbQCHv2RptYfVLGwHc7Rf6vKh7ooZiDujCegenLiNWq4-mFBROKrHTOiXiU5mPCegi6TfxeCgrTtyofRAnz6NvO3UoCI9cjMRGTCmJ_S-xi8jx8nZqbDhpKcKTGoG52XQLN_37GrXhfvQWa-bOOn7SWuryN/w293-h400/Reptilicus-danish.jpg" width="293" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Billed as Denmark's first ever monster movie featuring a creature to rival Godzilla at the box office, both a Danish and English language version was made simultaneously - the Danish version directed by Poul Bang whilst the English version was directed by the film's American producer (and so-called 'father of 3-D cinema' himself) Sidney W. Pink.</div><div> </div><div>And whilst both versions feature an almost identical cast (save for Bodil Miller replacing Marla Behrens as she couldn't speak English, or is it the other way round?), the American version was deemed virtually unreleasable by American
International Pictures (and if you've seen some of their output you can imagine how shite it must have been) so was hastily reworked by<span><span> Danish-American novelist, short-story writer, film producer and film director,</span></span> Ib Melchior.</div><div> </div>Melchior, for those of you who don't know/care wrote and directed The Angry Red Planet (1959) and The Time Travelers (1964) as well as co-writing Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964) and Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962) as well as writing the English language script for Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires (1965) and (allegedly) creating Lost in Space. <br /><br />Oh and his 1956 short story "The Racer" was adapted by Paul Bartel as Death Race 2000 (1975).<div> </div><div>So we should be really terrified at what state the original was in if this was deemed not only better but actually releasable.</div><div> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkiM2ReNIqDc8v15VgdKYfizNKFicQbbyTrarBdL0OFkR9AP457HbmolGdw7Tw5z_R7FMOJZ0i1VWcLIGLzczeJ2Vy8-K8adFsRTarCBt8s62t27gn7xKT2GVyi2pm4WE0aQYbwvRKX4lB2xW4aYmExA9taYayIeogQvtqrxulMBaG9HIvwK5v6P0vll7/s410/tumblr_inline_ooq2ar7vlo1rdztd3_500.gif"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="410" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfkiM2ReNIqDc8v15VgdKYfizNKFicQbbyTrarBdL0OFkR9AP457HbmolGdw7Tw5z_R7FMOJZ0i1VWcLIGLzczeJ2Vy8-K8adFsRTarCBt8s62t27gn7xKT2GVyi2pm4WE0aQYbwvRKX4lB2xW4aYmExA9taYayIeogQvtqrxulMBaG9HIvwK5v6P0vll7/w400-h313/tumblr_inline_ooq2ar7vlo1rdztd3_500.gif" width="400" /></a></div><b><i>Here come the Belgians!</i></b><br /> </div><div> </div><div>Obviously Pink wasn't too happy with this situation and threatened to sue AIP but he quickly dropped the case when AIP played their trump card and screened his version for their - and his - lawyers.</div><div> </div><div>Ouch.</div><div> </div><div>So, is it any good?</div><div> </div><div>In a word, no.</div><div> </div><div>But is it enjoyable?</div><div> </div><div>Hell yes.</div><div> </div><div>True the effects can hardly be called special - or even effects for that matter - and the plot kinda meanders all over the place with it's bizarre travelogue moments and musical interludes but the cast are great (especially Mimi Heinrich) and once you get used to the aforementioned leisurely pace of the movie (and get enough snacks together to keep you going) then you'll be in for a surprising treat.</div><div> </div>Recommended holiday hi-jinks.<br /><p> </p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-83942819758582468342023-12-24T15:39:00.002+00:002023-12-27T21:44:56.437+00:00head boy.<p>Watched this last night to celebrate the start of the holidays (yes we're very romantic here) and suddenly realised I'd never seen it before....I shall hand in my horror fan card forthwith.</p><p>Oh and Merry Christmas.</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZrVWaQg1UcCdtdAmJRRbajH_z1E4VyGfRt2XirVlbyuadPn9Zaectgi3RP_yIjt5bk8WAw2nbPZ3nvXVH4WqKsYslpAqraUXXqNDya6PmRGbXeNKiY9t8TjHMS0fxT6zPcKSbFAGKzf-dXLaCrgG0OLJoW6Jz9vUwrZ9nUXuiqrws9PAhd2dpklp1Bg1L/s1754/269969296_10161466903029409_6059950914533380950_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1754" data-original-width="1240" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZrVWaQg1UcCdtdAmJRRbajH_z1E4VyGfRt2XirVlbyuadPn9Zaectgi3RP_yIjt5bk8WAw2nbPZ3nvXVH4WqKsYslpAqraUXXqNDya6PmRGbXeNKiY9t8TjHMS0fxT6zPcKSbFAGKzf-dXLaCrgG0OLJoW6Jz9vUwrZ9nUXuiqrws9PAhd2dpklp1Bg1L/w283-h400/269969296_10161466903029409_6059950914533380950_n.jpg" width="283" /></a></div><br /> <br /><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6y850J0hvKfcKWRIDVnj3RTbGRfPRT9oJTwWHODZb5GOpRI5YvEFD3MRKjqh2955eXfvUNwyss-PoOy4yU6YsNFjy72F4iwykqR618tFBoHhYttX-sj-WVpR0BzLQW8sa9L8xj477dX_RcyNkHnFpynXOr6dg7-UP7v7k4MPAdvlgDdDy34aktktVyLG9/s1440/MV5BYTBhMzFhMTItYzkxZS00Mzg0LTkzNTEtNWZkY2FhOWU0YTliXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjE5MjUyOTM@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="960" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6y850J0hvKfcKWRIDVnj3RTbGRfPRT9oJTwWHODZb5GOpRI5YvEFD3MRKjqh2955eXfvUNwyss-PoOy4yU6YsNFjy72F4iwykqR618tFBoHhYttX-sj-WVpR0BzLQW8sa9L8xj477dX_RcyNkHnFpynXOr6dg7-UP7v7k4MPAdvlgDdDy34aktktVyLG9/w266-h400/MV5BYTBhMzFhMTItYzkxZS00Mzg0LTkzNTEtNWZkY2FhOWU0YTliXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjE5MjUyOTM@._V1_.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>All I can say to you is keep away from the skull of the Marquis de Sade!</i></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>The Skull (1965).</p><p>Dir: Freddie Francis.</p><p>Cast: Peter Cushing, Patrick Wymark, Christopher Lee, Jill Bennett, Nigel Green, Patrick Magee, Peter Woodthorpe, Michael Gough, George Coulouris, April Olrich and Maurice Good.<br /><br />Our terrifying tale opens in a fog-filled graveyard somewhere in France (well I say somewhere but it's actually Épernon which lies some 27 kilometres northeast of Chartres, at the
confluence of the Drouette and the Guesle, fact fans) in the year 1814 - tho' that might just be the time - where full-time phrenologist and part-time Tom Jones impersonator Pierre Soontodie (Good, <span>Phineas Clanton himself from that 60s </span>Doctor Who<span> classic The Gunfighters) is busying himself exhuming the corpse of that well-known perv-miester </span><span><span>Donatien Alphonse François - AKA Marquis de Sade in order to study his skull for signs of mentalism.<br /></span></span></p><p> No really.<br /></p><p>Heading back home with the head in a bin bag Pierre is surprised to discover his sexy shouldered yet unfortunately unnamed mistress (Olrich whose biggest roles were as a party guest in Supergirl and as the bespectacled beauty Desiree in the 70s TeeVee 'classic' Roberts Robots) sprawled across his bed scoffing marshmallows.</p><p>Tho' to be honest I'd be pretty surprised to find myself in this situation seeing as although the recipe for marshmallows was invented by the ancient Egyptians, the weren't produced in their present form until 1850.</p><p>And it's this blatant disregard for historical accuracy that obviously causes him to push the Parisian strumpet aside and head straight into his makeshift laboratory to clean the skull of all its flesh. </p><p>Three bags of marshmallows later and his French fancy is still sprawled across the bed awaiting the attentions of Pierre when she notices plumes of strange coloured smoke emanating from under the laboratory door and being curious/bored/French/ decides to investigate only to find her lover drowned in the same vat of liquids he used to clean the skull as the skull itself peers (as skulls do) from a nearby shelf...</p><p></p><p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUtOlhrKU5lXobAaljKUfIiTbbBz6_dg17nC9bJsSzT-q3-MJamattsNIC7VDGJl5J_NxeZ5bW353p6peCOQThb5ujYdsXfjOoKdh620DovxM2TSMxXKIlzCwsDUoY0FNoWDPwzAUal9DNWaa3Ys1tLMAlBOU6TSEIFXVjoyZ1klY3yaAwFo8_uWFYjDG9/s3124/19661976554_d0e8058f55_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3124" data-original-width="3000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUtOlhrKU5lXobAaljKUfIiTbbBz6_dg17nC9bJsSzT-q3-MJamattsNIC7VDGJl5J_NxeZ5bW353p6peCOQThb5ujYdsXfjOoKdh620DovxM2TSMxXKIlzCwsDUoY0FNoWDPwzAUal9DNWaa3Ys1tLMAlBOU6TSEIFXVjoyZ1klY3yaAwFo8_uWFYjDG9/w384-h400/19661976554_d0e8058f55_o.jpg" width="384" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Bloody Hell it's Fred Titmuss!</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p> Jumping forward to the present(ish) day (well 1965 so technically the past, spooky) we soon find ourselves - as in we're watching on the screen not in a Star Trek transporter type way, you get the idea - in a stuffy auction house where Michael Gough (obviously with an afternoon free) is refereeing a bidding war 'tween the eminent occult expert Dr. Christopher Maitland (Cushing) and the slightly less-eminent occult collector Sir Matthew Phillips as they battle to see who will spend the most cash on a set of four knock-off Gorillaz figures.<br /></p><p>Phillips, being richer than Maitland - and it seems in a trance - wins out, paying double what the figures are actually worth yet seems to have no recollection of doing so and on that bombshell goes home leaving Maitland to drown his sorrows with the dodgy antique dealer Anthony Marco (genre stalwart Wymark) well known around the antique/occult circuit for acquiring rare items by any means necessary (including theft and probably offering sweet, sweet kisses) who offers him a rare book bound in human flesh (but not that one) for a princely £100 and a packet of Haribo.</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWz0ywCnAewk5wEVCIEF7u8cVX5EAW0SRqmmyXSVSLPo5e0IVMUCigUtS-LEjglTBkVaxR_CP1rjvk1R0dTwBPJwSF7d_SmOX3-CTQOTlt_noY5MWMDIbhfRmfncBUHaFtn03Q9dR5YGsoPPTSbTDzzeGF7fOYWr_cP3vIg5lMmSaYay1NoSpBhO96aY_/s620/94a14bfe-0ae2-4b95-b42e-827f86409395.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="297" data-original-width="620" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwWz0ywCnAewk5wEVCIEF7u8cVX5EAW0SRqmmyXSVSLPo5e0IVMUCigUtS-LEjglTBkVaxR_CP1rjvk1R0dTwBPJwSF7d_SmOX3-CTQOTlt_noY5MWMDIbhfRmfncBUHaFtn03Q9dR5YGsoPPTSbTDzzeGF7fOYWr_cP3vIg5lMmSaYay1NoSpBhO96aY_/w400-h191/94a14bfe-0ae2-4b95-b42e-827f86409395.webp" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Can you see my bra?"</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p>The book, it seems, is a complete horrible history of the Marquis and his erotically charged occult shenanigans and just to prove the point we get a spooky flashback to see what became of the marshmallow munching MILF from earlier when Pierre's solicitor, Dr. Londe (Coulouris from loads of stuff) turns up to sort out the dead mans affairs.</p><p>Oh and after seeing the skull on the shelf, stab the lady to death.</p><p>Maitland is understandably intrigued by the book and excitedly hands over the cash but Marco has an ace up his sleeve.</p><p>And by that I mean the actually skull in question, in a Londis bag under his jacket.</p><p>And he's willing to part with it for a grand.</p><p>Or maybe even 500 quid.</p><p>Bargain.</p><p>Unfortunately Maitland isn't convinced (I mean let's be honest, most skulls look the same, except mine obviously seeing as I have a fucking huge head) so decides to discuss the proposition with Phillips that very night over their weekly billiards game. <br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5qpI-XTwhj_PiLJAg_xRTY2S0vcES8kPPhF2fYNf7v1191ugCz0z4JffJSMApjZtxFIJirPlCk7MXbqRxFQLbxDkbPq9EFliKIzmOCjTUeIX8oSEx2tBiM5I2a0s55SLjKzX3gCL6X_MSQQ5JT4AlP8P05h-53gnBOWXt5qQ2TMCjCscaRWAxV9joj0Le/s1920/MV5BYWUzZmRlNzgtNDMwMS00NGExLTg3NjMtY2JjMTE4ZjkyNzVhXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5qpI-XTwhj_PiLJAg_xRTY2S0vcES8kPPhF2fYNf7v1191ugCz0z4JffJSMApjZtxFIJirPlCk7MXbqRxFQLbxDkbPq9EFliKIzmOCjTUeIX8oSEx2tBiM5I2a0s55SLjKzX3gCL6X_MSQQ5JT4AlP8P05h-53gnBOWXt5qQ2TMCjCscaRWAxV9joj0Le/w400-h225/MV5BYWUzZmRlNzgtNDMwMS00NGExLTg3NjMtY2JjMTE4ZjkyNzVhXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Put it in me!"</b><br /></i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>
<p>Fiddling self-consciously with his balls Phillips admits to Maitland that the skull is in fact the genuine article as Marco actually stole it from him in the first place but is reluctant to press charges as the skull had spooky powers that took him over and compelled him to purchase over-priced statues at the auction and the like in order to stage a demonic sacrifice style ritual over the next few days.</p><p>Sounds legit.<br /></p><p>Anyway Phillips is convinced that the evil entity residing in the skull is the same force that compelled the
Marquis de Sade to commit all that bad stuff and pleads with Maitland not to buy it.</p>
<p>Now convinced that the skull is worth having, Maitland heads home to prepare a space on the shelf and to take a deeper dive into the Marquis only to be disturbed (during a particularly juicy bit) by a
knock on the door. </p><p>Maitland answers only to be confronted by two
(tiny) fedora wearing besuited blokes (less men in black more blokes from Barnardos) who roughly arrest him before bunging him in the back of a police car and driving him to a big house where he's forced to play Russian Roulette by a grinning judge as the walls close in around him and acrid smoke appears from nowhere.</p><p>Tho' to be far compared to some of the stuff the police get up to in the UK (I'm looking at you Lesbian Nana - among others) Maitland gets off lightly.</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtfMDL10b9CCWpT50MsM8HlTntpfIQ76iGohmsu8xo2AYjcQBtQKc8o151E9nGKT4bdakPoiZQ5z5j6bX9YWbFHnGb7jXFGkWoY_7gNNGsZBpcjZ4JUNi9dyRQ5fRPSBiGwG7WMNxe73VRwT9GEbrGyWdD04iCoUiAZTho8MZa_InUZujTSRGtHyEPI1r5/s1050/7ve13n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1050" data-original-width="644" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtfMDL10b9CCWpT50MsM8HlTntpfIQ76iGohmsu8xo2AYjcQBtQKc8o151E9nGKT4bdakPoiZQ5z5j6bX9YWbFHnGb7jXFGkWoY_7gNNGsZBpcjZ4JUNi9dyRQ5fRPSBiGwG7WMNxe73VRwT9GEbrGyWdD04iCoUiAZTho8MZa_InUZujTSRGtHyEPI1r5/w245-h400/7ve13n.jpg" width="245" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>A Lesbian Nana licking piss off John Nettles yesterday.</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /> <p></p><p>Suddenly Maitland wakes with a scream, yup it was all a dream but somehow he's woken in Marco's flat (and his trousers are on backwards) so without further ado he sneaks out and hurries home to explain his bedtime absence to his permanently bewildered wife Jane (button-nosed Bennett)and to get the cash to finally buy the skull.<br /></p><p>Unfortunately when he returns (again) he finds Marco dead behind the door so quickly hides the skull in a cupboard to collect later before calling the police - who arrive in the form of cult favourites Patrick (WINE?) McGee and Nigel (<span><span>Jason and the Argonauts, Zulu, Tobruk and The Ipcress File) </span></span>Green - who conclude that Marco was killed (to death) by a wild dog or a very angry stoat due to his throat being ripped out.</p><p>Dirty nailed landlord Bert (Woodthorpe, <span><span>the voice of Pigsy in Monkey) disagrees with this tho' seeing as he doesn't allow pets in the house.</span></span></p><p><span><span>Which is fair enough I guess.<br /></span></span></p><p>Not that his opinion matters much seeing as later that night when he returns to retrieve the skull Maitland accidentally kills Bert by pushing him over a banister.</p><p>He then heads home to keep watch over the skull in order to see what funny japes it'll get up to.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiizfbwPeTZV5BoYJM8bW3szWxNDOUd57fZhz4CrYeg8D358uUWYjUz0ifjXPSSgIyF3HWk1BfRpW8aKIpkXz9pimOc6ia999gn0hXuH4nvBNeEQg8-FUhNkOEx7gHgylM9lQhyphenhyphenOWp9h4_A72nB8RWShigRCNshyfQ6dtXMCPHtD5LT4zSPFCGHP_gqWgdG/s885/cushing-and-skull.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="560" data-original-width="885" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiizfbwPeTZV5BoYJM8bW3szWxNDOUd57fZhz4CrYeg8D358uUWYjUz0ifjXPSSgIyF3HWk1BfRpW8aKIpkXz9pimOc6ia999gn0hXuH4nvBNeEQg8-FUhNkOEx7gHgylM9lQhyphenhyphenOWp9h4_A72nB8RWShigRCNshyfQ6dtXMCPHtD5LT4zSPFCGHP_gqWgdG/w400-h253/cushing-and-skull.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>Cue twenty (very) odd minutes of Cushing gurning and screaming whilst trying to stab his sleeping wife as the skull attempts to possess him...</p><p style="text-align: center;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgbJRjHpKjXoZ1lsvxrG0jHzOpB-mFSOUkqrTOumd9QHeIBQofG73GTPuHJEJpr4bHEIPoQj2v4AdYd0ZxtkjwhNStriy6Y4Zlci1CqvvWgKD6SrjdzsLvEIK4Kr7_nxgES4jNbqpZM4TQrTL5Knofhs3911n7sAd8t-HWx4Sy8896QJww9442des-tglY/s820/the-skull.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="478" data-original-width="820" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgbJRjHpKjXoZ1lsvxrG0jHzOpB-mFSOUkqrTOumd9QHeIBQofG73GTPuHJEJpr4bHEIPoQj2v4AdYd0ZxtkjwhNStriy6Y4Zlci1CqvvWgKD6SrjdzsLvEIK4Kr7_nxgES4jNbqpZM4TQrTL5Knofhs3911n7sAd8t-HWx4Sy8896QJww9442des-tglY/w400-h234/the-skull.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>It is you know.</i></b><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p> </p><p>With a plot (from Robert Bloch's - very - short story "The Skull of the Marquis de Sade") stretched almost to breaking point by producer-screenwriter Milton Subotsky, The Skull is a lean, mean and genuinely nightmarish (at times) thriller that for the most part relies solely on the acting prowess of Cushing (and a couple of really cool 'skulls eye view' moments) to keep the viewers entertained.</p><p>And incredibly it works.<br /></p><p>A modern - for the time - British-based gothic horror that isn't afraid to channel the likes of classics such as The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari alongside the then current trend for psychological horror over the supernatural (before cheekily melding the two) to produce a taut and terrifying little thriller that's a forgotten gem in the Amicus crown.</p><p>Plus it's a nice wee change of pace to the usual Amicus anthology 'orrors.<br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"> <br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZDs0yyfdZmihCcrYIE1yfybONONSfaUlf7y0y7fugo9pHN7K8gwTzpo_ltf1kbs2pX9EWudsv_F_tWE7Sw3TdwtnEhIQym8cFsZ8HDufShobSHk3454s6yAgwE0dlWmDjY9y6EhibubszUENx8brI0YUd8coSnRKKKVOINVZt5Pdaut0uCDHqyZpJ01BU/s1300/theskullbkgd.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="730" data-original-width="1300" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZDs0yyfdZmihCcrYIE1yfybONONSfaUlf7y0y7fugo9pHN7K8gwTzpo_ltf1kbs2pX9EWudsv_F_tWE7Sw3TdwtnEhIQym8cFsZ8HDufShobSHk3454s6yAgwE0dlWmDjY9y6EhibubszUENx8brI0YUd8coSnRKKKVOINVZt5Pdaut0uCDHqyZpJ01BU/w400-h225/theskullbkgd.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Eye son.</i><br /></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p> </p><p>Fantastically - and simply - staged and with fantastic cinematography - the skulls eye view scene are a particularly creepy stand out - whilst Freddie Francis' direction is never better add to that the music by Elisabeth Lutyens' (the first female British composer to score a feature film, fact fans) and you have a perfect example of British gothic horror at it's finest.<br /><br />And it's just right for a cold, winters watching.<br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-80474591925480743672023-12-18T13:00:00.001+00:002023-12-18T22:55:12.230+00:00slay ride.A festive film favourite with the kids for you now.....<br />
<br />
Black Christmas (AKA Silent Night, Evil Night, Stranger in the House 1974).<br />
Dir: Bob Clark.<br />
Cast: Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Michael Rapport, Lynne Griffin, Marian Waldman and Andrea Martin.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwpOgqjkq06PFLNSWOX3ozOezB6t_PLsyfgCzKGGGbajj3y6liw8YbLELVlGoI8kSl0YbakkIFIXnn6f1j-o8P37K6B2OLc0ZXFWM0QevSuI-HrGODhPq9BQ4Pyb6W2ueuXnVgYUXqPIE/s1600/abad29cefc91c5706534414646081c40.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1070" data-original-width="736" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwpOgqjkq06PFLNSWOX3ozOezB6t_PLsyfgCzKGGGbajj3y6liw8YbLELVlGoI8kSl0YbakkIFIXnn6f1j-o8P37K6B2OLc0ZXFWM0QevSuI-HrGODhPq9BQ4Pyb6W2ueuXnVgYUXqPIE/s400/abad29cefc91c5706534414646081c40.jpg" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl... It's On Too Tight! (is that even physically possible?) </b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Tis the season to be jolly, there's snow on the ground, love in the air, the smell of chestnuts roasting and in a sorority house at the world famous Baldpate University of Clever Clogs, many of the female students - including badgirl Barb and the virginal Jess - (a pre-mentalism Kidder and the pony faced Hussey) have been receiving a series of obscene phone calls from a strange perv nicknamed The Moaner.<br />
<br />
You'll probably remember that's why your dad got sacked from The Samaritans.<br />
<br />
Being a horror movie tho' no one takes his calls seriously, with a few of the saucier students (hands up Barb - tho' not literally, a couple of fingers would suffice) - actually looking forward to his nightly messages, that is until the night when Jess hears the screams and gasps of a woman in the background.<br />
<br />
Calling her friends to listen in it's not long before Barb is threatening The Moaner with a severe buggering only to have him reply that he's going to kill her to death and with that he hangs up and the girls go about their business.<br />
<br />
Which in this case is packing for the Christmas holidays. <br />
<br />
<br />
Which as slasher fans will know is as good a cue as any for the bad murders to start.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtmla5UyFME53DMtGGXcZWgGG-3VtdClwOfE5YIBlJ2WtGtS1iGprg6Rn3nIeOdlN5sxRHFbu2NyWjqC4Mi40xM8BqWKKzc8UkksC6uUeVMrlIVuSyLfRT-0Jc09-zYYz6tMVrs2_WqjKX/s1600/black-christmas-pic-1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtmla5UyFME53DMtGGXcZWgGG-3VtdClwOfE5YIBlJ2WtGtS1iGprg6Rn3nIeOdlN5sxRHFbu2NyWjqC4Mi40xM8BqWKKzc8UkksC6uUeVMrlIVuSyLfRT-0Jc09-zYYz6tMVrs2_WqjKX/s400/black-christmas-pic-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Try and shite in mah mooth now you bastard!"</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
And start they do when cutesy Co-ed Clare Harrison (Griffin from the brilliant Curtains which I'm sure I'd reviewed once but it seems to have been deleted which is a pity as I remember it being a lot better written than this) becomes moaners first victim, a plastic bag wrapped around her head as shes dragged to the attic and sat in a rocking chair.<br />
<br />
Obviously the killer knows a cool poster image when he sees one.<br />
<br />
The following morning, Clare's dad George arrives to pick up
his daughter but she doesn't show up he quickly heads over to the sorority house to, if not find her then at least get a glimpse of Lois Lane's stocking tops.<br />
<br />
Well it is Christmas.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately the only thrill he gets is a peek at housekeeper Mrs. MacHenry's (world's shittest superhero Waldman) infeasibley large hat.<br />
<br />
And that is worth the R rating alone if I'm honest.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile Jess is meeting up with
her neurotic musician boyfriend, Peter (2001's Dullea saddled with really crap hair) to tell him that she's pregnant and thinking about having an abortion.<br />
<br />
Which is nice and festive.<br />
<br />
Peter, being a 70s type of guy gets a wee bit angry and shouts at poor Jess before stomping off in a huff giving us an excuse to see what good old Mr. Harrison is up to in the search for his daughter.<br />
<br />
Well him, Barb and Phyllis (Kim Possible voice-over actress Martin, who also appeared in the remake too don't you know) are busy at the police station try to get tough as nails cop Lieutenant Kenneth 'Horse Cock' Fuller (Saxon - nuff said) to form a search party and look for the missing girl.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHoTGxe89VrumujIMrF-RjB8DW0f0tYOn83mFdzLkckh-8wOF7YnB9bQ1NhTnnBcJTG0ZdjoM1HR3222L2Yg_2qyIjQEqxRwYhmu0VDTv8uxvkDGRV-fJ-DA-rMxCejH2MHVnIX6vXqKPI/s1600/black-christmas-pic-2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHoTGxe89VrumujIMrF-RjB8DW0f0tYOn83mFdzLkckh-8wOF7YnB9bQ1NhTnnBcJTG0ZdjoM1HR3222L2Yg_2qyIjQEqxRwYhmu0VDTv8uxvkDGRV-fJ-DA-rMxCejH2MHVnIX6vXqKPI/s400/black-christmas-pic-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>John Saxon receives a call from his agent <br /><br />offering him the lead in Cannibal Apocalypse.</b></i></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Unfortunately he's a wee bit busy as another girl, Janis, has
also vanished while walking home from school and seeing as she's much younger (and cuter) the police would rather look for her.<br />
<br />
Which is fair enough I guess. <br />
<br />
Barb, overly upset by her friends disappearance, gets drunk leaving Mr. Harrison, Jess,and Phyllis free to visit the local park where Janis was last seen.<br />
<br />
Adding even more stress to the situation is the fact that
Mrs. MacHenry can't seem to place her pussy and between that and packing to go to her sister's for Christmas is causing all manner of problems for the housemates.<br />
<br />
It's great to get your priorities right isn't it?<br />
<br />
Luckily after following a faint 'meowing' noise she finds her precious moggy in the attic,
unfortunately she also finds the killer, who promptly wedges a hook in
her face.<br />
<br />
Which is nice.<br />
<br />
Obviously on a gore-filled frenzy after seeing how great the face stabbing effect looked, it's only a matter of time before Janis' mutilated
body is found, upsetting Jess to a point where she has to go home to bed.<br />
<br />
Poor lamb.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiQUv4lXrT9GYGeu5PWpE8L_-RscXYSNuFABir3js9iRGLsU50aj63grwVaf0XrgJcfP1JtFRqbyj7eVrkZwGmdnX1knEgFq4tRlydkaHUPU9nFeTM8XTjb89whJEEelSGG1ZtF6mZMvvQ/s1600/black-christmas-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiQUv4lXrT9GYGeu5PWpE8L_-RscXYSNuFABir3js9iRGLsU50aj63grwVaf0XrgJcfP1JtFRqbyj7eVrkZwGmdnX1knEgFq4tRlydkaHUPU9nFeTM8XTjb89whJEEelSGG1ZtF6mZMvvQ/s400/black-christmas-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Hallo? French Polishers? <br /><br />you might just save my life!"</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
As the others continue their search
continues for Clare, Jess receives yet another obscene phone call and this time decides
to report it to the police but as she does Peter turns up to beg her to marry him.<br />
<br />
Jess refuses and Peter storms off in a huff just as Lieutenant Fuller arrives to bug the telephone.<br />
<br />
As in put a recording device on it, not hassle it over unpaid bills etc.<br />
<br />
With the movie rushing (albeit leisurely) toward its climax, Fuller pools all his resources in an attempt to stop the moaners reign of, er..moaning, unfortunately this appears to involve standing around in the street looking tough whilst holding a megaphone whilst eyeing up carol singers.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx2f3C11NcsXGDsVD6VeEL0MlR25UErliBK3o_FCq3Q15oJIvfGfsXmonO_fGFFM66MqX5YT1GFsDd7aoQ5YuflOsaSnZQxxHo-4oXgWOT80pGyL_z7Pq4a9J0UzC3dD-Uw-rYhm2xDwYt/s1600/blackchristmas5.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="909" data-original-width="1600" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx2f3C11NcsXGDsVD6VeEL0MlR25UErliBK3o_FCq3Q15oJIvfGfsXmonO_fGFFM66MqX5YT1GFsDd7aoQ5YuflOsaSnZQxxHo-4oXgWOT80pGyL_z7Pq4a9J0UzC3dD-Uw-rYhm2xDwYt/s400/blackchristmas5.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"Boiled onions!"</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
And it's the dulcet tones of these carol singers - who just happen to be visiting Jess' house at the time) that the mysterious killer decides to use as cover as he continues his reign of terror, firstly stabbing Barb to death with a handy statue before murdering Phyllis too.<br />
<br />
But Fuller is hot on his trail and has managed to trace the moaners calls.<br />
<br />
And they're coming from inside the house.<br />
<br />
It seems that Fuller had totally forgotten that there was an extension built onto the sorority house and that the killer could happily hide there, listening to peoples
conversations and phone calls.<br />
<br />
It's like a nightmare version of Homes Under The Hammer.<br />
<br />
Ringing the house Fuller warns Jessica to leave immediately and wait for him outside but, being a girl she gets lost on the way from the living room to the front door and heads upstairs (armed with a poker at least) instead where - surprise - she is jumped on by the killer.<br />
<br />
Managing to escape she runs back downstairs completely missing the front door (again) and heads into the basement where she bumps into her grumpy boyfriend Peter, whom she is convinced is the killer for no other reason than he wants to marry her.<br />
<br />
What a bastard.<br />
<br />
And as he approaches her to talk Jessica bludgeons him to death with the poker.<br />
<br />
Ouch.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5rBqVfJtfrEjNdBKA4z98YF0ZsWuZJ1QGFbAlSO93P0Se-yOI6gDrMnCDrvk4TX6wcLiZOZMABxKnnlplGBtF8uEwWNYC1MJOSB7cFu8i_dVcEhKbPxHdt57PJlRfYyzNdNHKMz1zgqg/s1600/54dd00443974e.image.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="666" data-original-width="1200" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5rBqVfJtfrEjNdBKA4z98YF0ZsWuZJ1QGFbAlSO93P0Se-yOI6gDrMnCDrvk4TX6wcLiZOZMABxKnnlplGBtF8uEwWNYC1MJOSB7cFu8i_dVcEhKbPxHdt57PJlRfYyzNdNHKMz1zgqg/s400/54dd00443974e.image.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>The lights are on.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
The police arrive to find her hunched over Peters body and decide that the case is closed - It's possibly their Christmas night out so understandably they want to get everything down as soon as - so you can imagine the conversation between Fuller and his men; "Aye, that Peter was a wee bit angry with his girlfriend not wanting to marry him so he must be the killer and the fact that we've found his aforementioned estranged girlfriend leaning over him holding a bloody poker means it must have been him! Right! mines a Babycham!".<br />
<br />
Sorted.<br />
<br />
They pack up the bodies, clean up the blood and bid their farewells to Jess, leaving her alone (in a major crime scene) to sleep off the excitement of her friends being murdered and killing her boyfriend.<br />
<br />
But as we cut to the attic one last time we discover that there are two dead bodies that have yet to be found and as a man's voice whispers out thru' the darkness the phone begins to ring.....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoRxVPfiI3xGwFcOWRcTc1evW-VkcQPUlltytBQ9AIRaad3-qbZbUqG4uO89p3T6CnVoVOcSowxOyI_UO8uX5tdM6J99uUjpcMmkTQKiUsqBSHflGo90rjL-OXTsl_UzO16w4tz3gedJvw/s1600/Black-Christmas-Argentina.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1116" data-original-width="1536" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoRxVPfiI3xGwFcOWRcTc1evW-VkcQPUlltytBQ9AIRaad3-qbZbUqG4uO89p3T6CnVoVOcSowxOyI_UO8uX5tdM6J99uUjpcMmkTQKiUsqBSHflGo90rjL-OXTsl_UzO16w4tz3gedJvw/s400/Black-Christmas-Argentina.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
Possibly the first of the modern 'slasher' cycle made famous by Halloween and Friday The 13th, the late, great Bob Clark's genre defining Black Christmas is unfortunately overlooked by all but the most rabid horror fans and Clark himself is better known for his seminal holiday classic A Christmas Story and Porky's than for this and the fantastic Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.<br />
<br />
Which is a shame as Black Christmas has much to offer, not just of historical interest but as a darn good frightener in its own right.<br />
<br />
Featuring a decidedly eclectic cast—from Superman's Margot Kidder to cult stalwart John Saxon via the Star Child himself Keir Dullea as well as many shots and set ups that would become genre mainstays, Clark's movie deserves to be sought out by any self respecting film fan if only to see where the stalk and slash genre started.<br />
<br />
As well as to have a bloody good laugh at the haircuts and trousers obviously. <br />
<br />
It's not too late to rush out and buy it to watch on Christmas Eve, tho' make sure you don't pick up the shite 2006 remake by mistake.<br />
<br />
<span face=""verdana" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="font-size: 100%;"> </span>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-73135125561499907082023-12-11T21:04:00.004+00:002023-12-12T09:19:36.861+00:00most taunted.A work college recommended this lo-fi found footage epic t'other day as they said it was a fairly spooky movie made much more entertaining by the added perv gurning.<br />
<br />I've absolutely no idea what that means by the way.<br />
<br />
The Possession of Michael King (2014).<br />
Dir: David Jung.<br />
Cast: Shane Johnson, Cara Pifko, Dale Dickey, Julie McNiven and The Devil.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbE_RbDw34GfR1iwaTmwGELvocvPjJmfnoE8EbqBr9IgyY0eK7d_xqFD0bnB_YrPuHGxKN3sBT9h_6ZNzhTR8Mn-OFn1eVIBmaXvVNsbof8RdI89YM8GR_Pz8NGf0w4d_UgyWS1UXqw7g/s1600/the-possession-of-michael-king-poster.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbE_RbDw34GfR1iwaTmwGELvocvPjJmfnoE8EbqBr9IgyY0eK7d_xqFD0bnB_YrPuHGxKN3sBT9h_6ZNzhTR8Mn-OFn1eVIBmaXvVNsbof8RdI89YM8GR_Pz8NGf0w4d_UgyWS1UXqw7g/s1600/the-possession-of-michael-king-poster.jpg" width="268" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><p>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Photofit everyman Michael King (Johnson, famous for his role as Soldier on the Beach in Saving Private Ryan) is a groovy documentary film maker with a beautiful wife, poppet daughter and a healthy disregard for anything
paranormal or religious based.<br />
<br />
Yup he's a cool headed, science is king kinda guy. <br />
<br />
Which would be great if the movie was anything other than a possession themed one, which alas it isn't.<br />
<br />
You see things started going a wee bit awry for our film making mucker when his wife Samantha (voice artist Pifko from The Clone Wars), canceling her holiday plans on the advice of a psychic named Beverly (road map faced Dickey) is tragically killed in an accident.<br />
<br />
There is a wee bit of good news tho' when it transpires that it was pissing down with rain the week they'd planned to go to Blackpool anyway.<br />
<br />
Silver linings and all that. <br />
<br />
Blaming Beverly for his wife's death whilst cultivating a rather fetching five o'clock shadow Michael decides to channel his grief not into the usual pattern of tearful masturbation sessions followed by a couple of Pot Noodles but <br />
into making a documentary regarding his personal quest to discredit not just psychics but anything
and anyone supernatural related.<br />
<br />
Including Yvette Fielding and Mystic Meg, who if I'm honest I'd thought had died years ago.</p><p>Which in fact she had.</p><p>But not when this film was made.</p><p>Time is funny like that.<br />
<br />
</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3Di-RlbJiUakBp71auZuJDkY1s48OmxetP3dvow_WLGAV0yrz7VB5R6I6OnpmmumqKX4RH8fkenOfGBqZ39_brZyCBUy0KPGYsJAr3R9Zt0CKHxJ4ApkTBUK7Z6qMo6FxAGZLfXe3is/s1600/2f12d2ad-b3ed-4a54-97d0-5d8d7251f366-460x276.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3Di-RlbJiUakBp71auZuJDkY1s48OmxetP3dvow_WLGAV0yrz7VB5R6I6OnpmmumqKX4RH8fkenOfGBqZ39_brZyCBUy0KPGYsJAr3R9Zt0CKHxJ4ApkTBUK7Z6qMo6FxAGZLfXe3is/s1600/2f12d2ad-b3ed-4a54-97d0-5d8d7251f366-460x276.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Yvette: Tunnel or funnel? </i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
Anyway with his best buddy on camera duty Michael takes on the role of narrator cum whipping boy with relish diving head first into every kind of paranormal activity he can find; from chatting to asthmatic ex-priests to taking part in a demon summoning, spunk guzzling drug orgy via a corpse bothering undertakers unusual pre-burial practices, our hero throws himself into the bizarrest aspects of the supernatural with the gusto of <span>Peter Murrell</span> spotting a bargain camper van.<br />
<br />
Or <span>a luxury £95000 Jaguar</span>. <br />
<br />
Probably.<br />
<br />
Which is all well and good (not to say admittedly well done) until that is he discovers that he may well have become possessed by an actual bone fide demon.<br />
<br />
And one with an unhealthy ant fetish to boot.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-mJY6x4EdHWZWPA9_XKLcTl7YuzpMv4uWWJD_cHzzC9K842fAMJckVKiHDUi6jtVs_iYQDL9KF9XOPTwE34v7g9WxdaZ7A-3EiJs5I0hbX_OFwIPf9xETTyfrpvSWdYSozfcX35r6h5U/s1600/10453_4.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-mJY6x4EdHWZWPA9_XKLcTl7YuzpMv4uWWJD_cHzzC9K842fAMJckVKiHDUi6jtVs_iYQDL9KF9XOPTwE34v7g9WxdaZ7A-3EiJs5I0hbX_OFwIPf9xETTyfrpvSWdYSozfcX35r6h5U/s1600/10453_4.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>King: Prawn or spring rolls?</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Cue sixty odd minutes of our eponymous hero having acid-style flashbacks and growling at his daughter, attempting to do impressions of old man Steptoe <br />
into a night vision camera, scratching himself in inappropriate places whilst vainly trying to touch up his sister Beth whilst she sleeps.<br />
<br />
Saying that tho' she is played by the yumsome ginger goddess that is Doom Patrol's <span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Julie McNiven so you can understand why, possessed or not.</span><br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name"><br /></span>
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Plus he's gentleman enough to pull her nightie down when he's finished which kinda makes it OK as far as the film is concerned.</span><br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_xXgJS6Fmjd4iZjKm5r6NXJjE4hmFl1qGmzPudKtCBDyTrBwL7Usqg3a8lf5i8h3tBpH5zaa_ZLat70tv8CwCvHVmW8D46BdyEXnKRIii4hlWVQLYwDRb3yOWs6b9kXDWVK7AEI-GpEI/s1600/PM.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_xXgJS6Fmjd4iZjKm5r6NXJjE4hmFl1qGmzPudKtCBDyTrBwL7Usqg3a8lf5i8h3tBpH5zaa_ZLat70tv8CwCvHVmW8D46BdyEXnKRIii4hlWVQLYwDRb3yOWs6b9kXDWVK7AEI-GpEI/s1600/PM.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>"Don't leave me 'Arold....."</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name"><br /></span></div>
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Is this a real case of possession or just a grieving widows slow decent into madness?</span><br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name"><br /></span>
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Will the rash on his tummy ever clear up?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Are the ants CGI or especially trained?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">And most importantly will he fuck his sister?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Or yours?</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhS94UWvbSovshvhHeXIhyphenhyphenx75fAAZ_rY_1yEGwkZZqLwKLUDtCUBxP7f1rwK68XO4_L6YSTlgt1rLeDH2CGwHlUUep55rh3gqCBYGdUFlBuM_Bzmyzwko2c0hy0TsyoI3FS1rRlizxK_o/s1600/tumblr_n89ui6hKJ31qia2fmo1_500.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhS94UWvbSovshvhHeXIhyphenhyphenx75fAAZ_rY_1yEGwkZZqLwKLUDtCUBxP7f1rwK68XO4_L6YSTlgt1rLeDH2CGwHlUUep55rh3gqCBYGdUFlBuM_Bzmyzwko2c0hy0TsyoI3FS1rRlizxK_o/s1600/tumblr_n89ui6hKJ31qia2fmo1_500.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>BOO!</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Writer director Jung shows some real promise and a flair for good old fashioned frights with this his debut movie, creating some genuine creepy moments (the psychiatrist office and Satanist celebration scenes to name but two) before the whole film rapidly degenerates into a horribly cliched possession by numbers found footage laugharama resplendent with comedy gurning and embarrassing 'Boo!' effects that cheapen the whole experience causing it to hemorrhage viewer interest like a haemophiliac child at a self harm convention.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Which is a shame because the film could be so much more.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">You can almost forgive it when a quite frankly scary plot twist seems imminent (that Michael is actually being possessed by his dead wife) but this turns out to be just the demon showing off his comedy voices.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Perhaps the demon of bad film-making entered </span>David Jung during the shoot and deliberately sabotaged the movie for fear of it telling the truth about demonic possession?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlnmwWUPHvTMi6tnMwbrkZB4EGcfYyEigfaBX84GGnqB8MHHKWX9BjexqIWiDjDViiQr657nAy0g1f19XXeTFrIZct5aiiYN34XDWqZrRxup6r02OUwAY-1wMWYHfGskGVby-UNHmaqms/s1600/possession-of-michael-king-1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlnmwWUPHvTMi6tnMwbrkZB4EGcfYyEigfaBX84GGnqB8MHHKWX9BjexqIWiDjDViiQr657nAy0g1f19XXeTFrIZct5aiiYN34XDWqZrRxup6r02OUwAY-1wMWYHfGskGVby-UNHmaqms/s1600/possession-of-michael-king-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>"It could be yooooouuuuuuu!"</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><p>
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Actually this makes some sort of sense, I mean how else can you explain how the ultra-real, show stealing performance from </span>Shane Johnson suddenly goes from showing a genuinely warm believable character to an end of the pier panto villain with the flick of a light switch?<br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">It's Last Exorcism syndrome all over again.</span></p><p><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">If anyone could remember it. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">And on that bombshell can we at least have a person possessed by a demon that isn't a contortionist at some point in the future?</span><br />
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name"><br /></span>
<span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">I mean the effect is good and all but it really became tiresome during The Devil Inside and that was nearly fifty years ago.</span><br />
<br />
Here's an idea, how about a demon that does a slightly different circus skill?<br />
<br />
Like balloon modeling or uni-cycling?<br />
<br />
Now that would be scary.<br />
<br />
<br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-65836568683733599782023-12-05T10:59:00.002+00:002023-12-12T21:54:59.859+00:00shitty titty bang ban.<p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br />Re-reviewing
this classic partly because I'm bored but mainly because the
original review was blocked by Blogger due to someone saying it
contained real violence.<br /><br />Which is nice.<br /><br />To be honest it's
partly the reason the Arena has been a wee bit quiet of late as it seems
to be getting targeted by dozens of reports/complaints/inappropriate
content warnings.<br /><br />No idea who I've fucked off but heyho at least it makes them happy.</span></p><p><br />
<br />
</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoHXWhlKl0kt9Z5Ri_PONncseeyC8Ko9TGUhRqAIiodHBK4y0ZlXxstTkiS5tzLaYLK04Eg-svbSNEyRX8g5oDpbfAnJORgTwyOtlrLMs_nNajBiVs0Ewr3VhMp4bEPa41MBpShbVEmFwm/s1600/Bates-radio-1-photocard.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="298" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoHXWhlKl0kt9Z5Ri_PONncseeyC8Ko9TGUhRqAIiodHBK4y0ZlXxstTkiS5tzLaYLK04Eg-svbSNEyRX8g5oDpbfAnJORgTwyOtlrLMs_nNajBiVs0Ewr3VhMp4bEPa41MBpShbVEmFwm/s400/Bates-radio-1-photocard.jpg" width="263" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Simon....Bates.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><p>
<br />
<br />
Anyway as some of you might be aware, around this time of year I usually visit the Fatherland to catch up with the infamous Lord Jay, he of the <a href="http://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.com/2007/10/boom-boom.html">Mad Foxes/masturbation</a> story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both <span style="font-style: italic;">THAT</span> old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).</p><p>Unfortunately I've not been able to do that this year due to work stuff, illness and the crushing mundanes of modern life tho' it did get me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of <span style="font-style: italic;">the Foxes</span> that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.</p><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
My friends, I may have found it.<br />
<br />
In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, whilst ordering our wedding anniversary meal, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.<br />
<br />
Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.<br />
<br />
On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.</div>
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Blooded Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994).</div>
Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.<br />
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3oi_am8cetXjRMzL7qLdPXHjBZWc246Pki1HCBvzwKUjGmJoW3qj1pW1yaj972-yhi2dy4JY7wqcNFzwT5u5h3XdniRmFhMKh7KEIMpFvPabVnZEWE8HBFjQGYBls0EUHK77K6k2WCklG/s1600/OJcV7w.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="512" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3oi_am8cetXjRMzL7qLdPXHjBZWc246Pki1HCBvzwKUjGmJoW3qj1pW1yaj972-yhi2dy4JY7wqcNFzwT5u5h3XdniRmFhMKh7KEIMpFvPabVnZEWE8HBFjQGYBls0EUHK77K6k2WCklG/s400/OJcV7w.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-style: italic;">Sickest thing about this is the logo colour scheme.</span></b></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less angular equivalent of Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it in life.<br />
<br />
You see after his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, he's spent his entire life running around after both her and his sweaty piss stained father giving him no time to do normal stuff like look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. leading to him becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.<br />
<br />
Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.<br />
<br />
I know the feeling. <br />
<br />
But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums just might.<br />
<br />
Hmmm....this is beginning to sound quite autobiographical.<br />
<br />
Probably. <br />
<br />
<div style="font-style: italic; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;"><br /><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkd2H7rgfz1n8gcAmlA5nz7aUodfSG-KL13vZpP9jysAHGNQxmgth-B-VVZlgGT0CHz5Gy5AnXhT7QGQnP5E5LgEG-29p42UyOGRIpKj-VgjJk6W2XV703uYtI8YX1mGOSyO1TVLgiqPl_CQvGBytQgBCahdB-BPJ04KUa__1uHr-IBXhGA1QFGiQGSEHg/s1234/Screenshot%202023-12-01%20at%2018-21-28%20Bloody%20Beast%20(1994).png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="646" data-original-width="1234" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkd2H7rgfz1n8gcAmlA5nz7aUodfSG-KL13vZpP9jysAHGNQxmgth-B-VVZlgGT0CHz5Gy5AnXhT7QGQnP5E5LgEG-29p42UyOGRIpKj-VgjJk6W2XV703uYtI8YX1mGOSyO1TVLgiqPl_CQvGBytQgBCahdB-BPJ04KUa__1uHr-IBXhGA1QFGiQGSEHg/w400-h210/Screenshot%202023-12-01%20at%2018-21-28%20Bloody%20Beast%20(1994).png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Insert amusing caption here.</b></i><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
With that infodump out of the way it's time to start the movie good n' proper and with poor Chen banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.<br />
<br />
Being the unlucky sod that he is tho', this - and further attempts on his life utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc - all lead to nowt, so pausing only to bite off a policeman's ear, Chen decides to sit nicely and share why he's been locked up for in the first place.<br />
<br />
<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAsF_JDJPZB4ytYRwvtgswuVDCRQaRRfop5MjYCRGvzuharkaXTxYqTzf__bZyyKcGSwWovnshRmPBEihYLl5k31n7zR3bV5htAlqVOi7J98PZJwybjNpPk5jctNUoZnQtH_CwvOx_EOegIPKvjcPZAoL8dyQYS0Sc6nl_t9iPE2PpP3hJD3Fckybgdg26/s1474/MV5BNWU3MTA3NWUtNTkwOS00ZTMzLTkxYjktMTI4NzZiODc5ZGNkXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="819" data-original-width="1474" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAsF_JDJPZB4ytYRwvtgswuVDCRQaRRfop5MjYCRGvzuharkaXTxYqTzf__bZyyKcGSwWovnshRmPBEihYLl5k31n7zR3bV5htAlqVOi7J98PZJwybjNpPk5jctNUoZnQtH_CwvOx_EOegIPKvjcPZAoL8dyQYS0Sc6nl_t9iPE2PpP3hJD3Fckybgdg26/w400-h223/MV5BNWU3MTA3NWUtNTkwOS00ZTMzLTkxYjktMTI4NzZiODc5ZGNkXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Pardon?</i></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div><p>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Cue the good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effect which takes us via the power of the basic dissolve to Chen's bedroom where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.<br />
<br />
Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.<br />
<br />
I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.<br />
<br />
Well don't worry, because he already has.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.<br />
<br />
So when he's not spunking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.<br />
<br />
Whilst tearfully masturbating obviously.<br />
<br />
Followed of course by a Pot Noodle.<br />
<br />
Thinking about it in today's climate he'd probably be applauded for it and given his own TeeVee show whilst she'd be hounded as a bigot.</p><p>But I would never say that.<br />
<br />
</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg327FSKcbu_zJ2jWlAmPj60BCGaB4JNvmA8fARBEAMjnzNnMO0CZLoysPbQnFRkZmIahyphenhyphenxNTf4RqpScPQvteOdGxFickDIJjaBRAfdCd9c0Pb0uC8nslbvlsc1EcS0I2C-G8yKrmQAGEp5/s1600/intruder1997-catIII-1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="219" data-original-width="400" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg327FSKcbu_zJ2jWlAmPj60BCGaB4JNvmA8fARBEAMjnzNnMO0CZLoysPbQnFRkZmIahyphenhyphenxNTf4RqpScPQvteOdGxFickDIJjaBRAfdCd9c0Pb0uC8nslbvlsc1EcS0I2C-G8yKrmQAGEp5/s400/intruder1997-catIII-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><i>Jackie Chan, up the casino, 1983....YESCH.</i></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
After much deliberation (and a wee bit more wanking) or hero decides that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?) so reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.<br />
<br />
Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Chen spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.<br />
<br />
Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.<br />
<br />
It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwUzYVot9JMn4WD33xLpEpp6wSLp1XoKJht-EbTClCWMCN7Qx_sj2jlUIS95B8uTvUvPGdjCXr8YoLL2vrlO8FaxKCObHfXRhdgu3eRr3KnDHUg-SPoYmUrbs4L58lQ0988MIR0wLLrk_/s1600/Buriram+Soapy+Girls+in+spa+tub.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="698" data-original-width="885" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdwUzYVot9JMn4WD33xLpEpp6wSLp1XoKJht-EbTClCWMCN7Qx_sj2jlUIS95B8uTvUvPGdjCXr8YoLL2vrlO8FaxKCObHfXRhdgu3eRr3KnDHUg-SPoYmUrbs4L58lQ0988MIR0wLLrk_/s400/Buriram+Soapy+Girls+in+spa+tub.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Some soapy girls in spa tub yesterday.</b></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Chen starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Chen sets off on a quest for breast.<br />
<br />
You can so see where this is going can't you?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeq41UhQ2YPBqOqptFxwJH80Uzs6K-pJTWw9nqJgAADQVsfbss_2S9jISkrhWACKtt9rXoL4Or3VI1CVaZtcBp4bpoO3FO742vH3E7ZXooYkxN5IaXbyh0ADCE8PpkoTb-T7SUEISTPard/s1600/Beast-15.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="640" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeq41UhQ2YPBqOqptFxwJH80Uzs6K-pJTWw9nqJgAADQVsfbss_2S9jISkrhWACKtt9rXoL4Or3VI1CVaZtcBp4bpoO3FO742vH3E7ZXooYkxN5IaXbyh0ADCE8PpkoTb-T7SUEISTPard/s400/Beast-15.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">A very different type of 'cracking one off'.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Searching high and low for the perfect perky breasts Chen soon comes across (not in that way, well not yet) a chubby, pigtailed young mum minding her own business on a bench.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Unfortunately there's a babies massive head blocking his view. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched over a hedge leaving Chen free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering his victim.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And then having a quick diddle with the corpse.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Obviously.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Well it is a CAT III film so what do you expect?</div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAZSB6TeYu32o6QYaa48gW2XWJh4EPTfMz7ReRttrijzieTv6mZxmPtNDTHGxyseeX4-RlTb_SU_nzYfEpQNdvfrhzeSvIPV_tSbcLJkAsVl3-FPuMfvC-YSBPh4rP701qXNHdHlA2T3nk/s1600/Beast-11.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="640" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAZSB6TeYu32o6QYaa48gW2XWJh4EPTfMz7ReRttrijzieTv6mZxmPtNDTHGxyseeX4-RlTb_SU_nzYfEpQNdvfrhzeSvIPV_tSbcLJkAsVl3-FPuMfvC-YSBPh4rP701qXNHdHlA2T3nk/s400/Beast-11.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-style: italic;">"Are you the EU? We've had a referendum by mistake!"</span></b></div>
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
Cashing in on the success of Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and <a href="http://areaoftheunwell.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/wong-turn.html" target="_blank">Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome</a> - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong - Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own.<br />
<br />
Tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9bJuv8xdYryyZm7nXEwDLbQJPZ36_C7yVCokVQE9Q7TgpyljwOQMQXysQfZruWQgEaFPZ6rTR-xgr3AcFAm0g4YLF-9yrwklWvdDbHuMA1gLIRWAlU1rhrB5C4FUtm0xLiK7VQMGQ0HFK/s1600/86+No+Means+No.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="307" data-original-width="500" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9bJuv8xdYryyZm7nXEwDLbQJPZ36_C7yVCokVQE9Q7TgpyljwOQMQXysQfZruWQgEaFPZ6rTR-xgr3AcFAm0g4YLF-9yrwklWvdDbHuMA1gLIRWAlU1rhrB5C4FUtm0xLiK7VQMGQ0HFK/s400/86+No+Means+No.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><b>So I had the choice of a graphic image depicting<br />violence against women and children or a<br />picture of a woman taunting an angry dog....no contest really.</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="http://s188.photobucket.com/albums/z72/sirashlondon/blog/?action=view&current=beast8dj7.png" target="_blank"><br /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div>
But it's not all boobs and bloodshed tho' because Leng xue ren lang is also chock full of quality 'comedy' turns - mainly from the clichéd fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers - and it's the film's detective duo that steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners whilst administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.<br />
<br />
Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Chen's sperm from one of his victims arses - in glorious close-up obviously - they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.<br />
<br />
Which kinda gives it the edge of Lewis doesn't it?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv0u_vgRyyaTTb9vwGBVt-MQe8wfdbI31Tnv1vTXStV9Wr4zhby0YCx3zxg7A84LS0QnyttdEmVcZKEU3MIRag52VTYgL9MBQExHYq_Brb2OSZmDQ0IzLPrkL-bp2chwVqda9vO1kYDw-1/s1600/Beast-12.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="640" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv0u_vgRyyaTTb9vwGBVt-MQe8wfdbI31Tnv1vTXStV9Wr4zhby0YCx3zxg7A84LS0QnyttdEmVcZKEU3MIRag52VTYgL9MBQExHYq_Brb2OSZmDQ0IzLPrkL-bp2chwVqda9vO1kYDw-1/s400/Beast-12.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-style: italic;">Hat.</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: italic; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The perfect romantic movie for those who enjoy a quiet night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide or support the Green Party.<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-77470950781316155272023-11-23T00:30:00.001+00:002023-11-23T00:30:00.136+00:00day of the delia.<p style="text-align: center;"> Celebrating the aural genius of the late, great Delia Derbyshire (as everyone should).</p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p>
</p><p></p><p></p><p><iframe frameborder="0" height="120" src="https://player-widget.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Fdelia-derbyshire-audiological%2F" width="100%"></iframe></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-44755436467203730752023-11-23T00:08:00.003+00:002023-11-23T00:08:36.209+00:00time and relative dimension in sound.<p> </p><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-1qd0xha r-ad9z0x r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0">Celebrate 60 years of the children's hero that adults adore with these heady mixes of Mondasian mash-ups, Cyber sounds, Bok
beats and all things </span><span class="r-18u37iz">Doctor Who.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<iframe frameborder="0" height="120" src="https://www.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Ftime-and-relative-dimensions-in-sound%2F" width="100%"></iframe>
<iframe frameborder="0" height="120" src="https://www.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Ftime-and-relative-dimension-in-sound-ii%2F" width="100%"></iframe>
<iframe frameborder="0" height="120" src="https://www.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Ftime-and-relative-dimension-in-sound-iii%2F" width="100%"></iframe>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-11789940738165049482023-11-20T21:59:00.004+00:002023-11-20T21:59:23.915+00:00people you fancy but shouldn't (part 109).<p style="text-align: center;"><span><span>Sky News political editor </span></span><span><span>Elizabeth Frances (Beth) Rigby.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span><span></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGHIPj6hNTSNIoour0BKl-m8iwkI7eSHirF7z2CVujmwPI1MxIIhFWF2740k5XCaXCDj7VYxqtypRxDiyHrhKUZW8v29fmJamzzRhc0RspqjIbaOVAo7XCvAESR_AuWddn11Qp6JMwcO_G3HgpPN0O4zifSU9hwqAM-iF7Y1W5kAFrII0XXxomVcEvMdxs/s700/BethRigby700.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="395" data-original-width="700" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGHIPj6hNTSNIoour0BKl-m8iwkI7eSHirF7z2CVujmwPI1MxIIhFWF2740k5XCaXCDj7VYxqtypRxDiyHrhKUZW8v29fmJamzzRhc0RspqjIbaOVAo7XCvAESR_AuWddn11Qp6JMwcO_G3HgpPN0O4zifSU9hwqAM-iF7Y1W5kAFrII0XXxomVcEvMdxs/w400-h226/BethRigby700.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcam-ZBwfBVsTftrQhV2pY5Ec3J4v-iHOmihJznJM_-A7Ng9EJ-0qMOgdcW2Aj8_HLFqSTZUliqMRlULkVJ60vLpdwivBvq_OYM6jZ36mylOxciwvWA3Dw4IMlxEWMLnwOVRHJp4-tRia6Vp1y4Bj6QlfnBCWxUPOlc85zjUUhq4t_nT1v0VmnNrVDab3u/s900/tv56-5-rigby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="900" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcam-ZBwfBVsTftrQhV2pY5Ec3J4v-iHOmihJznJM_-A7Ng9EJ-0qMOgdcW2Aj8_HLFqSTZUliqMRlULkVJ60vLpdwivBvq_OYM6jZ36mylOxciwvWA3Dw4IMlxEWMLnwOVRHJp4-tRia6Vp1y4Bj6QlfnBCWxUPOlc85zjUUhq4t_nT1v0VmnNrVDab3u/w400-h223/tv56-5-rigby.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5zWf7Z_EXgpLObDb00yYHD2eA6XerpVhR3saFSRgbEo620JFbhYBVwdKR6IeWC_rt_vy8sgcMfwp1u-sWzHzUrblHc4gVgxTE77K4jQxmvPm9EjSjKQVyRWxLng7-UlPUo5YvTREwU3HQFvVVbKVo2Onsln1ijx8PL0TdaGvJ00kabsMMJfL4Sclj3PP/s1200/7360.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5zWf7Z_EXgpLObDb00yYHD2eA6XerpVhR3saFSRgbEo620JFbhYBVwdKR6IeWC_rt_vy8sgcMfwp1u-sWzHzUrblHc4gVgxTE77K4jQxmvPm9EjSjKQVyRWxLng7-UlPUo5YvTREwU3HQFvVVbKVo2Onsln1ijx8PL0TdaGvJ00kabsMMJfL4Sclj3PP/w400-h400/7360.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgea7uEizk4EjwV9bT8C9IbzXdhMxAZl48KdQeAPNiq46n99q_5jihx2cZ_qNhN3yfuGgj1VbU7JJXdMRKVBG9lQFP5Mi0ystL75kWlXKKDj6IolxGrv9UxA88FQOOpU_x_CWOWHSaD4zozHPYjCRtPf5WclP8hJIQ4Y4y42rgc9cr-fnd22a2dCjp5yMdY/s225/Untitled.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgea7uEizk4EjwV9bT8C9IbzXdhMxAZl48KdQeAPNiq46n99q_5jihx2cZ_qNhN3yfuGgj1VbU7JJXdMRKVBG9lQFP5Mi0ystL75kWlXKKDj6IolxGrv9UxA88FQOOpU_x_CWOWHSaD4zozHPYjCRtPf5WclP8hJIQ4Y4y42rgc9cr-fnd22a2dCjp5yMdY/w400-h400/Untitled.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-58741555309002973942023-11-06T09:45:00.000+00:002023-11-06T09:45:01.163+00:00stranger sounds.<p style="text-align: center;"> </p><p style="text-align: center;"><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-poiln3 r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0" style="text-overflow: unset;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWh9asG1AhhqCfCaTRLhBgUEep9cz1FOldePgb265psCmioMeHAPRioiNzXDBSog9M8_ygPg6rSRRSE7cH3bwhP80PHjMkB-hiEUYNFvlYDTBTOMmDFQi5EG9Rdv1T7vVo1lVtBExGsuHFzVLpvvW-a1s7BHLXqKUlvYXaLVL1nWTD9kl5OckrGFnQS1rP/s1080/F-OlQvbXUAAAm65.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="861" data-original-width="1080" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWh9asG1AhhqCfCaTRLhBgUEep9cz1FOldePgb265psCmioMeHAPRioiNzXDBSog9M8_ygPg6rSRRSE7cH3bwhP80PHjMkB-hiEUYNFvlYDTBTOMmDFQi5EG9Rdv1T7vVo1lVtBExGsuHFzVLpvvW-a1s7BHLXqKUlvYXaLVL1nWTD9kl5OckrGFnQS1rP/s320/F-OlQvbXUAAAm65.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-poiln3 r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0" style="text-overflow: unset;">Can't believe that it's 40 years today since Will Byers went missing.....Remember the day with 60 (very) odd minutes of strange sounds from the upside down:</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span class="css-901oao css-16my406 r-poiln3 r-bcqeeo r-qvutc0" style="text-overflow: unset;"> </span></p>
<iframe width="100%" height="120" src="https://player-widget.mixcloud.com/widget/iframe/?hide_cover=1&feed=%2Fash-loydon%2Fstranger-sounds%2F" frameborder="0" ></iframe>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7093143631723369004.post-38110116809615728202023-11-04T17:59:00.004+00:002023-11-04T18:03:51.006+00:00radio ga ga!<p>Screw the whole dang Netflix and chill thang, let's spend Saturday night listening to popular wide-band web receivers instead!</p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCzbYZAEKNDQHuHg8cIXhOgoGTdpemDsWO3hr5A1EIb4xWeBoKh4F5W4k0dgknthDpiV8SQMD-FKMa7XSKuaYMaFeFSDvbBsX7HZ24A8gtJjTf6ugDBTf85U6fYSGN8GEssrk5fVS3uCVRr67C5sk1eYhiZ-E6D4LgZuKria3xNxs5WwqyQUNNWG6R0Lp5/s1024/1698836788089314.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCzbYZAEKNDQHuHg8cIXhOgoGTdpemDsWO3hr5A1EIb4xWeBoKh4F5W4k0dgknthDpiV8SQMD-FKMa7XSKuaYMaFeFSDvbBsX7HZ24A8gtJjTf6ugDBTf85U6fYSGN8GEssrk5fVS3uCVRr67C5sk1eYhiZ-E6D4LgZuKria3xNxs5WwqyQUNNWG6R0Lp5/s320/1698836788089314.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><br /><span class="quote">><a href="http://websdr.ewi.utwente.nl:8901/">http://websdr.ewi.utwente.nl:8901/</a></span></p><p><span class="quote"><wbr></wbr></span><br /><span class="quote">><a href="http://websdr.k3fef.com:8901/ " target="_blank">http://websdr.k3fef.com:8901/ </a></span></p><p><span class="quote"> </span><br />OR Select one geographically close to you:</p><p><br /><span class="quote">><a href="http://websdr.org/">http://websdr.org/</a></span></p><p><span class="quote"> </span><br /><span class="quote">><a href="http://rx.linkfanel.net/">http://rx.linkfanel.net/</a></span><br /><br />INSTRUCTIONS:</p><p><br /><i><b><span class="quote">>Set Frequency to 4724.00, 8992.00 or 11175.00</span><br /><span class="quote">>Set Mode to USB</span><br /><span class="quote">>Tap "Wider" to increase bandwidth (2.7-3.0 kHz)</span><br /><span class="quote">>Press "Chrome audio start" if necessary</span><br /><span class="quote">>Listen!</span></b></i><br /><br />AIR TRAFFIC:</p><p><br /><span class="quote">> <a href="https://globe.adsbexchange.com/">https://globe.adsbexchange.com/</a></span></p><p><span class="quote"> </span><br /><span class="quote">> <a href="https://www.flightradar24.com/">https://www.flightradar24.com/</a></span><br /><br />MARITIME TRAFFIC:</p><p><br /><span class="quote">> h<a href="ttps://www.marinetraffic.com/">ttps://www.marinetraffic.com/</a></span></p><p><span class="quote"> </span><br /><span class="quote">> <a href="https://www.vesselfinder.com/">https://www.vesselfinder.com/</a></span><br /><br /> </p><p>LIVE UNIVERSAL AWARENESS MAP:</p><p><span class="quote">><a href="https://liveuamap.com/en/">https://liveuamap.com/en/</a></span><br /><br />REAL TIME RADIATION WORLD MAP:</p><p><br /><span class="quote">><a href="https://www.gmcmap.com/index.asp">https://www.gmcmap.com/index.asp</a></span><br /><br /> </p>Enjoy!<br /><p><br /></p>Ashton Lamonthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228071559056124721noreply@blogger.com0