smash it up.

It's that time of the year again where I put together - with very little effort - as series of ever more banal reviews under the 31 Days of Horror label in a countdown to Halloween which has less to do with championing the horror genre and more to do with me trying to entice more (any?) readers to this pitiful excuse for a blog.

Raiders of the Damned (2007)
Dir: Milko Davis.
Cast: Richard Grieco, Gary Sirchia, Laura Zoe Quist, Elijah Murphy, Thomas Martwick, Laura Clemens, Amanda Scheutzow and J.C. Austin.

"Eye son".

It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel Ralph Fiennes) and a shedload of nasty nuclear weapons have put paid to most of humanity, save for ex Teen Agent Richard (my illustrious career) Grieco, a handful of straight to video ne'er-do-wells and bizarrely an actress who actually reads this blog*.

No, seriously.

But if that wasn't enough a particularly virulent man-made virus called Agent 9-X has turned a huge number of the survivors into pasty faced zombies.

Isn't that always the way?

Luckily for us 'norms' the zombie hordes are all stuck behind a huge wall in a designated quarantine zone where they can't get up to any mischief.

Or can they?

Grieco: For the ladies.

Well surprisingly everyone - and everything - seems to be coasting along OK in this post weary, apocalyptic world until one day the brainy boffin Dr. Wells (We Do Monsters: Nemesis Von Smith star Murphy) - whilst on a top secret mission to drop bags of soot on the undead - is shot down behind enemy lines by a chino wearing, skull-faced zombie wielding a rocket powered crossbow.

No, seriously.

This is particularly bad news for the rag tag group of survivor at the nearby military base as they desperately need to have a wee chat with Dr. Wells seeing as he's the only scientist with any chance of discovering a cure for this zombie plague.

Plus they'd baked a cake especially for his visit.

But ain't that always the way in these movies?

Anyway back at the proper - zombie based - plot and things have gone from bad to really bad for the good doctor and his lovely assistant Stephanie (Scheutzow...bless you) for no sooner have they stumbled drunkenly from the helicopters wreckage - or at the very least a pretty good cardboard approximation of one - than the pair find themselves face to putrefying face with the evil zombie madman behind the attack, enter (roughly and from behind) Colonel Kevin Crow (Martwick, latterly co-director of the classics Jurassic Thunder, The Jurassic Dead and the terrifying Tsunambee) who drags them back to his secret fortress for tea, biscuits and an explanation of his evil plans.

You see, it seems that the Colonel hasn't let a little thing like death put paid to his military career and he's spent the last several years training the local undead in the art of warfare and beret wearing and now plans to breach the walls of the survivors complex in order to wipe them all out.

But not before he tries his undead seduction techniques on poor old Stephanie tho'.

Cue 10 minutes of rubbery face zombie sex style shenanigans.

You're welcome.

Do you think he ate her whole?

Meanwhile back at human central, mad as a lorry scientist Lewis (the poor man's Lou Diamond Phillips, Grieco) reckons that the infamously wayward rebel marine captain and former comrade of Crow, Dewey Crenshaw (Sirchia, looking for all the world like a camper Barry Bostwick if that's at all possible) is the only man who can rescue Wells and sexy Steph.

The only problem is that he's in prison for 'war crimes' and will only take on the mission if he can choose his own team.

No surprise then that everyone agrees to his terms, so without so much as a change of pants, Crenshaw gathers together a group of his pals (including the oh so cutesome Quist and some other, less attractive folk) to head over the wall, rescue the scientist and his by now, zombie cock obsessed assistant and, just because it'll be convenient whilst they're there, shoot Crow in the face before he shags anyone else.

The incredibly sexy and talented Quist is by
far the best thing in this movie.

Little do they know tho' that Crow is almost ready to march on the remnants of humanity and finish the war once and for all.

And there's the little matter of a spare dimensional portal knocking about (that by the way is the mcguffin he's planning to steal and use to breach the survivors defenses with because obviously a ladder or tunnel would be too easy)  that needs dealing with too.

Oh, and as an aside I should mention that after his stinky shag earlier, Crow is permanently stiff in more ways than one** and is super horny for more hot (by hot I mean breathing) ladies to impregnate with his evil zombie sperm.

No doubt he'll want revenge on Crenshaw too.

Or have sex with him.

So as the film lurches toward its climax he's either gonna be dead busy, or the movie is gonna get really confusing causing the viewer to lose interest and pop Army of Darkness on instead.

"Did you get me a Drifter?"

Mighty Milko Davis, the man responsible the terrifying special effects in the Seduction Cinema classic Dracula's Dirty Daughter, as well as the voice of The Carnivore in that hilarious SciFi comedy Star Warp'd makes his directorial debut with this haphazard riff on Mad Max and Escape from New York via big George Romero's entire zombie back catalogue with a plot so surprisingly packed with ideas and twists that it's like watching about a dozen movies rolled into one.

Pity none of them are that good tho'.

"This is my hand, no this is your hand!"

Saying that, the cast do their best to rise above the mish-mash of concepts on show, especially the fantastic Quist (meow) and the b-movie god that is Grieco, proving once and for all that his alimony bill must be huge.

And it's great to finally see a tasteful zombie sex scene.

It's no Nightmare City, but then again what is? Tho' it is about a thousand times more entertaining than The Walking Dead.

And if that isn't damning with faint praise I don't know what is.

Tomorrow - something better.

I promise.


















































*True story bro, as our American cousins say.

**As in he has an erect penis that he wants to put in a ladies vagina.

mandate.

Still feeling a wee bit under the weather so have confined myself to the sofa with the TV remote channel surfing in the hope that some quality movies will help cure my malaise.

The Super Inframan (中國超人. 1975).
Dir: Hua Shan.
Cast: Danny Lee, Wang Hsieh, Terry Lau, Yuan Man-tzu, Bruce Le, Kong Yeung,
Dana Shum, Lin Wen-wei, Lu Sheng and Fanny Leung.

Rayma, now you are filled with power and energy! For you, nothing will be an impossibility! Your senses are intensified, so you can even see and hear through walls!

It's the futuristic - for 1975 - year 2015 (which is now the past, spooky) and the  primary 2 class from the Mary Bell junior school are heading home after a hard days clipping 'up west' but as the excitedly look forward to snacks and pop their joyful bus-based songs are rudely interrupted when what looks like a huge, green plucked turkey drops from the sky onto the road in front of them shattering the concrete and causing the bus to screech to a halt and wee Jimmy to spill his Ribena.

As the fairly sexy supply teacher herds the kids to safety the crack-creating chicken attacks the bus sending it and its unfortunate driver off the edge of a cliff.

But that's not the only thing causing havoc on this wet Wednesday afternoon as all across Hong Kong - and maybe even the world - natural disasters are occurring: everything from earthquakes to previously dormant volcano exploding via your mum burning her souffle, the whole planet is in chaos.

Lucky for us, the bewigged and (pube) bearded boffin and part-time Dave Lee Travis alike Professor Brian Liu Ying De (A Better Tomorrow's Wang) and his world renowned - and silver jumpsuit clad - Super Science Headquarters team is on the case.
 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

 Scanning the local area for any clues as to what's happening the team are surprised when the nearby Devil's Mountain explodes revealing a huge carved dragon skull cum secret base entrance from which steps the sinisterly sexy sorceress resplendent in a huge silver dragon hat and matching bikini top, thigh boots and carrying a whip in her dragon headed right hand.

I don't know why but I think she may like dragons.

Demon Princess Elizebub (or Princess Dragon Mom as the dubbed version amusingly calls her and played to thigh slapping perfection by Terry Liu, best known for her performance as the tight uniformed and knee-high booted lesbian warden Mako in Bamboo House of Dolls) for this is she, shoutily informs the team that from this day forth she is the Earth’s new master and we must either surrender and live as her playthings or be destroyed.

Well I know which I'd choose.

Even thinking about it would probably kill you.

Anyway to prove her point she unleashes her leather-clad skeleton army and assorted mutant types including a huge Plasticine monstrosity with drills for hands,, a big red pompom with horns that can fire laser beams from its arse, a tentacled plant monster, the crab suit left over from Space Amoeba and a pair of metal men with spring loaded limbs to wreak havoc and cause general mayhem around the local area, pissing in phone boxes, tying the swings around the crossbar so no-one can use them and knocking on doors before running off - you get the idea.

Helping her to organise the attack - as well as keeping everyone fed and watered -  is her second-in-command, the sultry Ms Witch-Eye (Shum from Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon), a kinda sexy space secretary cum junior despot in a cycling helmet and eyeballs in the palm of her hands that fire hypnotizing laser bolts when needed.

Which is nice.

"Eye hen!"

Is there anyone who can defeat these monsters?

Luckily in his spare time the Professor has been beavering away on a top secret project - code-named: BDX it has the ability to transform a normal human into a bionic, red latexed super-hero.

This can be achieved, he explains, by wiring the subjects arms and legs with powerful transistors and computerized parts, injecting them with a super serum and to top it off inserting a tiny nuclear reactor in their heads.

Unfortunately tho' the procedure is very painful.

Oh and may result in death.

Enter - roughly and from behind after jumping them in a dark alley - Jeff Rayma (Lee from the classic City On Fire) who eagerly volunteers to strip down to his pants and get tied to a table by a much older man in order to become the much more than human, if slightly less manly looking Infra-Man, defender of the Earth and scourge of all girl private schools everywhere.

"Put it in me!"

Cue 90 odd minutes of enough kicks and punches to make you want to sell your soul for a PaRappa the Rapper live action movie as Infra-Man and his pals battle everything from giant plant monsters whose massive foam vines attempt to smash the science base to brainwashed traitors in their midst via a bizarre subplot involving the Professor youngest daughters wish to become Infra-Woman when she's older.

And all performed by a cast of which the majority are wearing way too tight Bacofoil jumpsuits.

Here come the Belgians!

But it's not all fist fights tho' as after a couple of defeats at Infra-Man's hands, a fairly angry Elizebub sends the aforementioned brainwashed minion to steal the secrets of Infra-Man's power so that she too can build an invincible warrior prompting the Professor to upgrade our hero (nothing too fancy mind, just adding Thunderball Fists that can be launched from his wrists, alongside a deadly solar attack device that kills instantly, a 'lethal flame kick' embedded in his Cuban heels and lastly a set of mini-rockets place just above his tummy in the off-chance that anyone uses a freeze ray on him at any point - like that'll happen) in preparation for the final battle.

But whilst all this science shit is going down Elizebub has kidnapped the Professor's beautiful daughter Liu Mei-mei (the button-nosed Yuan Man-tzu from The Clones of Bruce Lee) and is threatening to kill her (to death) is the Professor doesn't surrender himself and his secrets.

Laugh now.

 As so begins a race against time (and good taste) to save not only the Professor and his daughter but humanity itself from the slender clutches of the Demon Princess Elizebub.

Will the traitor be uncovered?

Will Infra-Man lose his power when the sun is blocked out even tho' he's allegedly got a nuclear reactor embedded in his skull?

Will Demon Princess Elizebub turn back into a chicken for the stunning final battle?

Will there be a sequel? *

There's only one way to find out cos I'm not telling.

Obviously 'inspired' (you think?) by Tsuburaya Productions utterly fantastic Ultra series - even going so far as re-using Toru Fuyuki's score from Ultra Seven - as well as the daikaiju and kyodai hīro genres - still - so popular in Japan, this Shaw Brothers epic has the distinction of being not only the very first Superhero movie made in Hong Kong but the first film promoted there using a hot air balloon.

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a useful fact to know.

Brexit in a nutshell.

Confidently directed by HK cinema stalwart Hua Shan (who would later go on to give us such classic Fayre as Kung Fu Zombie, Jade Claw, Ghost Killer and Dreams of Eroticism) from a script by the prolific science fiction author and script writer Ni Kuang (responsible for, among other things, writing One-Armed Swordsman, The Assassin and Crippled Avengers as well as the Bruce Lee starrer Fist of Fury) and produced by the legendary Runme Shaw, Infra-Man works best because it unashamedly embraces it's Japanese inspirations rather than just blatantly ripping them off, even going as far as hiring Ekisu Productions - famed for their work on many a Toei superhero series - to supply the sets and monster costumes as well as designing and building Infra-Man himself which all adds a certain legitimacy to the proceedings that something like Juan Piquer Simón's 1980 superhero misfire Supersonic Man lacks plus the acting is top notch and played with eye-rolling conviction by everybody onscreen.

As a bizarre side-note, Bruce Le - who plays the brainwashed Lu Hsiao-Lung - has a cameo in Juan Piquer Simón's classic Pieces as a Kung Fu teacher with a dodgy tummy.

Tho' this coincidence may not be related to his later arrest for tax evasion.

"Put it in me!"

Talking of actors, kudos to not only the frankly fantastic Terry Liu but also to Wang Hsieh who manages to give his portrayal of Professor Liu Ying De a quiet dignity and earnest believability whilst all the time clad in a silver labcoat two sizes too small and wearing a pound shop Elvis wig and comedy beard. 

And as the eponymous hero himself Danny Lee is all bowl-haired, boys own bravado, holding his own against an evermore outlandish array of monsters or when being forced to lie naked - save for a big nappy - on a pool table whilst being injected with food colouring.

It's a job I suppose.

The Howard's Way remake looks a bit shit.

Top quality super-heroics lovingly wrapped in a big bow of brightly coloured goodness, I mean what's not to love?

Recommended.

Twice.






































*Unfortunately not.

fog on the rhine.

Everyone seems to be up in arms (whatever that actually means) this week re: the casting of Halle Bailey in the live action version of The Little Mermaid due to her not being half fish or something so anyway in an attempt to entice new (any) readers into my net of filth I thought I'd revisit probably THE best mermaid based blockbuster ever.

And not just because it features the sublime Helga Liné.

Not you.

Las garras de Lorelei (AKA L'abbraccio mortale di Lorele, The Loreley's Grasp, The Night the Screaming Stopped. 1974).
Dir: Amando de Ossorio
Cast: Tony Kendall, Helga Liné, Silvia Tortosa, Ángel Menéndez, Josefina Jartin, Loreta Tovar, José Thelman, Luis Induni, Betsabé Ruiz and Francisco Nieto.

“Send her back into the legendary night from which she has come.”

Welcome to the small town of Cleftplate nestling on the banks of the river Rhine, a town where nylon action slacks and porn mustaches rule supreme and where a green-gilled beast is doing it's best to eat thru' the entire neighbourhood in it's search for fresh hearts.

Beats Emmerdale any day.

But not The Archers obviously.

Every night dozens of angry, polyester-clad villagers gather at the local pub to debate who or what is terrorizing the town.

Luckily there's an expert in their midst, the local doctor, one Terry Von Lander (Der Todesrächer von Soho star Menéndez) and according to him the town is being stalked by a mythical beast.

Sounds plausible.

The Cleftplate men's club annual game of spin the bottle was always popular with the Colonel.

It transpires (I love that word it's second only to ottoman) that many years ago a beautiful lady, named Lorelei who spurned by her lover after he tricked her into a bout of the bum sex, tossed herself off the cliffs and into the murky waters of the Rhine.

As you would.

Well ever since then it is said that she returns every number of years (he's not that specific) in order to feast on human flesh for some convoluted reason.

I must have missed that bit.

Anyway fearing for the safety of the pupils at the local all girls boarding school, the sternly saucy headmistress Elke Ackerman (top tottie Tortosa from Horror Express) hires local he-man and open shirted sex god Sigurd (Italy's very own John Leslie, Kendall, most famous for his role as PI Jo Louis Walker in the Kommissar X movies) to patrol the grounds in the hope of keeping the pupils safe.

Frankly if I had to choose between a fishy monster or Sigurd's obscenely large bulge I know which I'd probably need more protection from, it's almost as if he has a babies arm down there.

A baby bodybuilders arm.

A baby bodybuilders arm holding an apple.

A really, really big apple.

With one huge weeping eye.

Arriving the following day astride a huge motorbike, Sigurd and his trousers cause quite a stir (and a hell of a lot of dampness) amongst the students as well as a feeling of complete loathing from Elke.

I doth think she protests too much but let's wait and see.

You would, he would, your mum did. Twice.

Patrolling the grounds every night with his massive weapon cocked and ready to fire, our he-man hero alleviates the boredom by leering and winking at the girls whilst they get ready for bed.

And being dolly burds they fahkin' love it.

Obviously.

Unfortunately (or fortunately if you prefer stalking barely legal girls to killing monsters) the beast appears to be more interested in killing the townsfolk.

Which, if I'm honest doesn't seem to bother anyone until the creature murders the local homeless musician cum rent boy Tobias that is.

With no-one left to cuddle up to on those cold winters nights when their wives have locked them out, a mob of the towns most mustachioed men march on the mayor's cottage and demand action.

Back at the school shifty Sigurd is having some trouble of his own after being caught masturbating in the pupil's private pool.

Ms. Elke, still not swayed by his manliness, sends our hero off into the countryside for a swim in a nearby lake in the vain hope of cooling his ardor.

"Ere! Can you smell Mackerel?"

Wandering around like a lost child (albeit a lost child with a massive hard-on), Sigurd comes across (I'm not even going to type it) a ravishing redhead in a green fringed bikini lounging nonchalantly on a rock trying her best not to appear too cold.

Having not seen a female for nearly fifteen minutes Sigurd gives chase but the mysterious woman gracefully glides thru' the rocks, her ample arse gently bouncing hypnotically as she goes before disappearing from sight. 

Bewitched by this ginger siren Sigurd begins to hang around the lake on a daily basis in the hope of seeing her again and luckily (with the movie only being ninety odd minutes) this happens fairly quickly.

But not as quickly as Sigurd's smooth moves seeing as within minutes he manages to get his mysterious Ms. into a saucy clinch on a dirty mattress in a broken down fisherman’s hut.

The romantic devil.

Unfortunately (for him and us tho' I reckon the lady had a narrow escape) just at the point of entry a big bearded man appears and reprimands Sigurd for keeping Lorelei out for so long.

But wait, isn't Lorelei the name of the flesh-feasting beast?

Sigurd thinks for a moment before remembering that one Lorelei is a big green monster whilst the other is a curvaceous sex kitten played by Berlin born Liné, from the equally fantastic La orgía nocturna de los vampiros.

Without another word beardy scoops her up into his muscled, well oiled arms and proceeds to walk straight into the lake.

Sigurd is intrigued to say the least.

"Hey Senorita! How'd you fancy coming in the back o' me car and letting me shite in your mooth?"

Dazed, confused and still aroused Sigurd is wandering aimlessly thru the woods when he discovers a shifty Von Lander skulking in the bushes during what appears to be an impromptu dogging session.

The doctor, however, obviously horrified at the thought of being outed as a sex fiend begins to confuse Sigurd with his utter bollocks theories.

You know the type of thing; much mention of the moons rays, waffle regarding photochemical stuff and theories on the molecular structure of things.

And to prove all these theories and how on earth they relate to the monster he invites Sigurd back to his Victorian style knocking shop cum laboratory where he makes a severed human hand grow green and scaly.

He's even created a radioactive steak knife in case he gets close enough to stab the creature.

Or for if he ever has a radioactive steak obviously.

Sigurd is impressed.

Unfortunately before a town meeting can be called Von Lander is violently murdered (is there any other kind?) by Lorelei and his lab burnt to the ground.

Every cloud has a silver lining however (except mushroom clouds, their linings are Strontium 90 based) as this only increases Sigurd's acceptance of the idea that his new squeeze Lorelei could in fact be the same Lorelei that's killing everyone.

Thinking the whole situation over for several seconds he decides that even tho' she can be a wee bit grumpy, Elke is probably better sex material and so heads off to the beach wearing his tiniest shorts and carrying a big bomb.

Ickle finn leg not shown.

Persuading a local fisherman to take him out onto the lake, our horny hero plunges into the waters just below the infamous rocks from where Lorelei originally jumped and soon discovers an ancient underwater cavern festooned with jewels, gold and bikini clad ladies.

Which is nice.

But for once Sigurd is not to be distracted by such things, he's here on a mission, not only to blow the place to Govan and back but to also inform Lorelei that he's breaking up with her due in part to her habit of eating people but mainly cos she stinks of herring.

What a guy.

Jeremy Beadle: The Revenge.

After a few minutes of inconsequential dialogue and slow fighting Sigurd manages to fight off the bikini girls advances and set the charges before swimming to safety and leaving poor Lorelei to die under a collapsing hill.

Or did she?

Back on the mainland Elke is enjoying a midnight walk around the grounds when she hears a rustling in the bushes followed by the faint aroma of fish...

Lorelei is alive and well and out for revenge on Sigurd's 'other woman', jumping out from behind a tree and indulging in a spot of girl on fish wrestling.

Which frankly isn't as exciting as it sounds.

Luckily Sigurd arrives in the nick of time and plunges his radioactive blade into Lorlelei who then, not too surprisingly dies as the lovers gaze into each others eyes.

Aww, how sweet.

Yup, someone was paid for designing this.

Not only taking liberties with the Lorelei myth but kinda taking the piss a wee bit too, Blind Dead creator Amando de Ossorio takes the traditional tale of a beautiful siren who lures sailors to their deaths by enticing them into the rocky cliffs of the River Rhine and crafts it into one of the most terrifying monster movies ever made.

By that I mean one of the most terrifying monster movies ever made by someone named deOssorio and titled Las garras de Lorelei obviously.

Glad that's out of the way.

The real Lorelei yesterday. Well a dramatic (and incredibly hot) statue of her anyway. Here's hoping it's wipe clean.

Although never hitting the heights of The Blind Dead, Las garras de Loreleiis a near perfect blend of tight storytelling, great locations, seventies breasted woman, shoddy gore and frankly bonkers characterization all mixed in with some fantastic Carry On style sauciness and topped off with a career best performance from Tony Kendall's trousers.


A must see for any self respecting fan of fish-based romantic horror or just those who enjoy staring at a (very) well endowed man for an hour and a half.

Perfection.

perry combover.

Too much sex and violence around here lately and not enough spaceships.

Well that was short and sweet.

Enjoy.

Mission Stardust (AKA …4 ..3 ..2 ..1 …Morte, Perry Rhodan – SOS aus dem Weltall. 1967).
Dir: Primo Zeglio.
Cast: Lang Jeffries, Essy Persson, Luis Dávila, John Karelson, Stefano Sibaldi, Janos Bartha, Gianni Rizzo, Pinkas Braun and Dakar.

"Your eyes are very quick... just like your hands!"

A group of top space-type blokes - the square-jawed Major Perry Rhodan ( Vengeance of the Gladiator, Mexican Slayride and La rivolta degli schiavi 'star' Jeffries - imagine a slightly more rapey but definitely less Autistic hating William Shatner), box-faced Captain Mike Bull (Dávila from Espionage in Tangiers), ball-bonced badboy Captain 'French' Flipper (Martín best known - possibly - for A Fistful of Dollars) and the not worthy of a first name Dr. Manoli (Mmm Bop singer Hansen) are heading to the moon aboard the top secret starship Stardust (which strangely enough appears to be disguised as a huge metallic cock and balls) on an even more top secret (topper secret?) mission. 

And the reason for the secrecy - but not the phallic stuff obviously?

Well it seems that scientists have discovered  deposits of a metal with an atomic density even greater than cobalt or lithium below the surface.

No me neither.

"Are we there yet?"

Unfortunately the evil - yet cuddly dog owning -  billionaire industrialist Alan 'Von' Arkin (Braun, best known around here for his slightly un-PC performance as Fing-Su in Der Fluch der gelben Schlange) has already discovered the facts regarding the mission and is busy plotting something or other.

To be honest I wasn't really paying attention.

Anyway back to the action where our heroes are having a wee bit of bother with their spaceship controls as they prepare for landing, that's not the only problem tho' as suddenly all communication with Earth is lost too.

Being rough, tough spacers tho' the crew somehow manage a safe landing,  Mike and Perry head off to explore in a huge white wheeled dildo whilst the doctor and Flipper stay behind to try and fix the rocket.

Well that bit of peril was over fairly quickly wasn't it?

Perry and Mike happily bounce across the moon's barren surface unaware that danger (or at least a wee bit of oddness) is lurking over the horizon - firstly the moon buggies aerial melts soon followed by the vehicle controls and when the pair step out of the vehicle to look for damage it suddenly disappears in a bright light (and dodgy dissolve)  before their very eyes.

To be honest tho' Perry seems pretty nonplussed by this and the pair continue on foot soon coming across a huge gold space-fairing testicle* parked in a nearby crater and guarded by a group of bucket headed robots.

If you're wondering how you fan tell that they're robots well the fact that they keep removing their helmets to reveal a pair of comedy chattering teeth and some googly eyes attached to a shoebox.

"We can't repel testicles of this magnitude!"

Upon seeing our heroic duo one of the robots zaps their sidearms into oblivion before leading the pair into an elevator that takes them up to the spaceships interior - and not the lingerie department obviously - where Perry and Mike are introduced to the clap riddled alien scientist Terry  'Falcon' Crest (Italian film stalwart Karlsen) and the shapely blonde bombshell Captain Thora (Actress cum visual artist cum haunter of my dreams Persson) who appears to be wearing seashells as a bra.

Well she is from outer space so who am I to judge?

No need yet every need at the same time....Why am I so confused?

As Thora stands around looking angry (or is it erotic? - angrily erotic? - bored? to be honest I could tell as I was way too busy trying to figure out what kind of shells she was sporting) Crest explains how they traveled from the highly advanced planet Baldpate to find another race to procreate with in order to save their race from extinction.

Unfortunately during a particularly intense game of space Ludo they crashed on the moon and are now stuck and with that the old bloke coughs a wee bit and stumbles into a chair because he's very poorly.

Which seems fair enough.

Obviously Perry offers to help (with the fixing of the ship and the whole repopulating the planet thing) so Crest uses his spooky alien technology to bring the Stardust closer as to allow Dr. Manoli to examine him and after a wee cough and drop explains that Crest has a special kind of leukemia that can only be treated by the world famous blood doctor Frank Haggard at his institute in Mombasa.

This is in no way a convoluted plot.

Honest.

But first Thora has to change her outfit so invites Perry into her quarters to watch her get undressed before complaining that his gropey sausage fingers prove he's a savage and therefore unworthy of sticking his engorged member in her space ladygarden.

Do you think she may change her mind before the films climax?

"Look at the dog!"

Anyway taking a reconnaissance ship (which to be honest is the same model just filmed far away) the gang head to Africa to find the doctor and hopefully score some cheap crack along the way as the film veers drunkenly from hip 'n' groovy space adventure to a cut-price Eurospy caper.

It's like Moonraker in reverse but with tighter trousers.

On the way to Earth tho' Perry realizes that the spacesuits don't have any pockets so none of them have any cash to buy postcards etc upon arrival but luckily as it turns out the aliens use diamonds as we would use paperclips so Thora hands a big bag full of them over to our heroes.

Result.

Obviously flying a fairly big gold bollock into African airspace attracts the attention of not just local comedy general Roon (Bartha) and his Dad's Army style goons but also of Arkin too who is still not bothering to explain his plan other than it will involve him taking over the world to anyone around him.

And that includes Fulci stalwart Dakar which is a nice surprise.

With Thora, who despite herself is beginning to fall for Perry, remaining onboard to oversee the mission Perry and Mike head off to fetch Haggard but as is the way in adventure films of this ilk the journey is anything but easy as the pair have to deal with a variety of evil used car salesmen and scary turbaned types trying to sell them young (or "Very young!" as he proclaims) girls.**

Most importantly tho' is the fact that Mike hasn't had a fag for three days so is getting grumpy.

No really.

Helmet.

With Arkin closing in and a traitor in their midst it's a race against time to find Haggard and save Crest's life before Arkin does that thing that we're still not sure about.

And to be honest it's not that fast a race as Crest seems pretty OK actually, I mean it's not like he's been given hours to live or anything.

But let's not worry too much about that as there's just enough time for some zero gravity fist fights, cardboard tank battles and sexy nurses with machine gun action as we quite leisurely head toward the movies climax which may also feature our heroes storm Arkin's island headquarters (offscreen obviously) whilst dressed as Devo.

From the man who brought us Slave Queen of Babylon, Capitan Fantasma and a dozen more films no-one has ever seen comes this frankly fantastic (if a wee bit threadbare) Italian/West German co-production based on the best-selling Perry Rhodan book series that was so beloved by my granddad - and for that reason alone there's a shedload of love for this movie.

Plus the fact that Essy Persson is utterly amazing and an obvious influence on Sofia Boutella's Jayla in Star Trek Beyond.

They even look and sound similar.

Simon Pegg we have questions.

Even thinking about it would be enough to finish you off.

 Based, in part, on the first book in the series 'Enterprise Stardust', Primo Zeglio's version (adapted by K.H. Vogelmann alongside Sergio Donati and Zeglio himself) jettisons much of author K. H. Scheer's cold war paranoia and replaces it with a standard runaround Bond style romp and shiny suits in a mish-mash of Modesty Blaise and Diabolik with a dash of Barbarella style psychedelia chucked in for good measure that is unfortunately neither as hip 'n' happening or knowingly camp as any of them with Zeglio seemingly unsure of how to shoot sci-fi he instead just points the camera at stuff and hopes for the best which means the film at least picks up pace when it crash lands back to an Earth setting.

And it's on Earth that the film - and director - seems more comfortable as it mines the James Bond series for inspiration with the dog-loving, tuxedo clad baddie Arkin acting as a surrogate Blofeld and Rhodan getting involved with various traitors, crime bosses and gun-toting sexy nurses in gas masks and tiny skirts.

Which is nice.

Plus there are gadgets galore courtesy of Thora who, despite being a cold-hearted alien who sees humans as primitives you just know will eventually fall for Rhodans charms.

Which just goes to show how talented model-cum-erotic actress-cum-artist Essy Persson actually is seeing as Lang Jeffries is about as charismatic as a house brick.

Which on a positive note means there's hope for us all.

Peow!

Interestingly (well to anyone who reads this blog) the films 'stunning' special effects were directed by the late great Antonio (Cannibal Apocalypse) Margheriti in what can only be seen as one of his lean periods tho' fans of cardboard and dustbins won't be disappointed.

Plus the score from the groove-tastic Marcello Giombini & Antón García Abril - especially the theme as sung by frequent Ennio Morricone collaborator Edda Dell'Orso - is a blinder.

Screw the haters Mission Stardust is well worth a look.


























































*Or is it a giant gold bust of Star Wars favourite Admiral Ackbar's head?

Either way it could be a trap.

**By the way and as an aside, from the soundtrack, the extras outfits and general look of the place I'm pretty sure no-one involved in the movie has ever been to Mombasa but has seen someones Egyptian holiday snaps.

virgin spring.

Bizarrely this is a film I'm most familiar with due to the trailer of the classic I Drink Your Blood, the film it was paired with on it's release.

As luck would have it tho' a friend felt the urge to send me a copy so I could finally watch it.

Well I say friend.

I Eat Your Skin (AKA Zombies, Zombie Bloodbath, Voodoo Blood Bath, Caribbean Adventure. 1964 - released 1970).
Dir: Del Tenney.
Cast: William Joyce, Heather Hewitt, Betty Hyatt Linton, Dan Stapleton, Walter Coy, Robert Stanton, Vanoye Aikens, Matt King, Rebecca Oliver and Don Strawn and his Calypso Band.

"Oh boy. Mister Harris, I read some of your books and I only hope you're more original in person!"

Pulp paperback writer and all round misogynist arse Tom Harris (Joyce - as in the actor most famous for The Young Nurses not Nazi-loving Lord Haw-Haw) is busying himself by the pool at the famous Fontainbleu Hotel (in a comedown from featuring in Goldfinger), reciting chunks of his racy romance novels to an eager bunch of bikini-clad, damp panted housewives whilst simultaneously sticking his tongue in a married women.

Which is nice work if you can get it.

If possibly a wee bit dubious in these more enlightened times.

Fuck it let's be honest he comes across downright rapey.

Anyway as his words get more sexual and his fingers get stickier who should arrive but his literary agent and best bud' - the slightly predatory Duncan 'Donuts' Fairchild (one time only actor and producer Stapleton, channeling Glenn Shaddix with a drink in him whilst modeling Mr Ed's teeth) excitedly announcing that he's booked a private plane to taken them - and Duncan's wife Coral (Circus of The Stars choreographer Linton) - to the spookily named Voodoo Island in order to get ideas for a new book.

Given the choice between a weekend of sun, sand and voodoo-fearing virgins or a fucking good kicking off the (scarily old) husband of the woman he's fondling Tom goes for the former and quickly heads off to the airport pursued by the aforementioned husband who, in an 'hilarious' scene boots his still bikini clad wife up the arse.

Before dragging her back to their room and beating her obviously.

Ah violence against women for comedy effect how we miss you so.

"Oi missis....come back to me room so I can bite you!"

As they fly out to the island there's just enough time for Duncan to fill us in (but not in that way) on some important plot points.

It seems that one of his bridge buddies - Lord Chumbley-Warner - has actually just inherited the island and that the inhabitants are ardent practitioners of the black arts (the name probably gave that away tho'), not only that but the island is also home to every imaginable species of poisonous snake, which is why a reclusive scientist, Dr. Biladeau (Stanton in his only role) lives their in an attempt to come up with a cure for mansplaining using their venom.

But obviously not the Tom Hardy Venom on account of it being even shitter than this.

Which takes a lot.

The thing that really peaks Tom's interest tho' is the fact that the whole of the island’s fishing fleet perished in a recent hurricane leaving its population ratio at five to one in favor of women.

And with that he orders the pilot to put his foot down as he carefully checks his cock for blemishes.

Unfortunately Enrico the pilot forgot to fill the petrol tank before they left and the plane is now dangerously low on fuel, the only option left to the travelers is to let Tom drive because as we all know, sexist arses are much better at landing planes than qualified pilots.

Especially Hispanic ones.

I mean he could be an illegal.

Anyway upon making a perfect beach landing, Tom orders everyone to stay put whilst he goes to look for something - anything - to forcibly stick his engorged member into....I mean look for help so sets off into the jungle soon coming across (not in that way, well not yet) the scientists beautiful blonde daughter Jeannie (former Miss Vermont 1957 and  'Miss America' contestant Hewitt) skinny dipping in a pond.

Why am I not surprised?

Oh yes, there's also a machete-wielding zombie with conjunctivitis spying on her from the bushes but let's be honest here we can kinda guess who she's in more danger from.

Eye son.

Tom bravely waves his cock in the air to get her attention and when this fails he jumps in the water to swim after her only to pop up the other side with her gone and the zombie baring down on him so our hero does what any sexual predator would do when faced with another man with his chopper in his hands and legs it into the trees where he soon bumps into one of the islands few surviving fishermen who fills him in on the whole virgin sacrifice/voodoo/zombie shtick before getting beheaded by the eye man.

Which is nice.

Just as the undead fiend is about to stick it in Tom he's scared away by the arrival of the cast of It Ain't Half Hot Mum in a jeep.

No my mistake, it's actually Lord Chumbley-Warner's pal and island governor type bloke Charles 'Wes' Bentley (ex-Star Trek doctor, McCoy) and his merry band of armed guards.

Less Dad's Army, more dead smarmy.

Yes I know that was shit but if the script writer can't be arsed why should i?

Being a stand-up bloke Bentley takes Tom back to the plane before ordering a group of natives to secure it in the carpark and then inviting everyone back to his villa he shares with Dr. Biladeau - but not in that way - for cake and crisps.

And pop.

Getting changed for dinner Tom is surprised to find the blonde he saw earlier playing the piano in the dining room and decides to sneakily watch her play - from a position where he can look down her top obviously - before sleazily approaching her and introducing himself.

There's something to be said about approaching random girls and rubbing yourself against them whilst plying them with booze seeing as Jeannie seems well up for it and giggles flirtily as Tom refills her glass.

Again and again.

Luckily for us her dad turns up and they all sit down for dinner.

Tho' by the look in Tom's eyes chicken isn't the only white meat on the menu.

Hewitt - pig in a blanket.

As is the way with dinner parties the chat soon turns to voodoo (again) and Dr.
Billedeau explains that not only is it true that the islanders all practice witchcraft but they also believe that blonde virgins make the best human sacrifices,  Bentley laughs to himself as he lights another fag whilst Jeannie just sits and gazes into Tom's eyes oblivious to the fact that she's the only blonde virgin in the room.

His head full of booze and feeling a pure steamer coming on Tom invites  Jeannie for a moonlight walk in the woods, where it must be said her screams as he forces himself on/in her will be less likely to be heard, and she heartily agrees.

Unfortunately any hope Tom has of sticking it in the doctor's daughter are ruined when the pair are attacked by a group of paper mache faced zombies who attempt to drag Jeannie off into the jungle.

Luckily there's a handy Tiki torch nearby and knowing it to be a symbol of the mainstream misogynistic man movement Tom uses it to beat off the undead horde.

Unlike the undead beating off you'd find here.

Or indeed here.

Insert cock here.

Returning to the villa,  Jeannie is taken to bed by Coral (look they have to give her something to do other than fawn over Tom behind her hubbies back like your gran over the milkman when she's drunk) whilst Tom and Bentley drink more booze and discuss the evenings events.

As the vodka's flow Bentley begins to realise that the young blonde virgin the tribe want to sacrifice to cure the illness affecting them could in fact be Jeannie so it'd probably be a good idea if they could get her off the island as soon as but Tom has another plan and climbs up the wall to her bedroom in order to have sex with her and therefore save her life.

What a stand up guy.

And before you ask the answer is no, Jeannie doesn't have a say in the matter.

Tho' why would she?

She's just a girl.

"Hello I'm the blind man!"

But even before Tom's cock is dry the local tribe and their mysterious leader are plotting to kidnap Jeannie and stick something all together more dangerous - and far less noxious smelling in her....

Will Tom and his pals save the day?

What is Dr. Biladeau really up to in his secret lab?

Why the fuck is Coral actually there?

And most importantly why does Dan Stapleton have the shapeliest figure in the whole movie?

Seriously when he comes out in his body hugging teeny tiny shorts you'll be stunned at how smooth and long his legs are.

Whilst his craptastic monster romp The Horror of Party Beach was picked up for distribution even before the film was dry director/producer/binman Del Tenney's I Eat Your Skin was left languishing on the shelf for years before being dragged kicking and screaming onto the screens in a double bill with the frankly fantastic Lynn Lowry starrer I Drink Your Blood.

And it's really not difficult to realise why.

Everything about the production screams poverty row - from the am dram shouty non-acting of the cast to the threadbare special effects that consist of zombies with wet tissue paper glued to their faces and an massive island explosion consisting of a paper mache mountain set fire to in a bath via a Caribbean tribe descended from slaves that is made up of 95% white extras and direction that can only be described as leisurely it's a film that defies both logic and sensibility, transcending 'so bad it's good' to become just bad.

Luckily (for it) it's so screamingly misogynistic as to blank everything else but that fact from your mind as you watch it.

Nothing else seems to matter the longer William Joyce is on screen, from his casual arse-slapping to random drink-spiking it's like watching a walking talking ball of horny testosterone filled woman hating rage dominating the screen, seriously as soon as the movie finished I actually went online to check if Joyce had ever been arrested for crimes against women in the years after the movie as so convincing was his utter contempt for ladies.

Either that or he was hiding something.

And probably not a body in a barn.

Fuck or fight? I'm too confused!

On the plus side Lon E. Norman's jazz fused score is a pleasant distraction from the utter pap onscreen which means you can at least close your eyes and try to think of something a wee bit more enjoyable, tho' be warned I tried this but then got scared that William Joyce (or his ghost) would sneak up on me and attempt to fuck me.

He didn't but that's not the point.

Fuck it I need a shower now.

peking duck.

Came across this on Amazon Prime t'other night and realised that although I have a copy sitting on the shelf I'd never actually watched it.

Well I have now.

Interesting eh?



The Mighty Peking Man (AKA 猩猩王, Gorilla King, Goliathon. 1977).
Dir: Ho Meng Hua.
Cast: Danny Lee, Evelyne Kraft, Feng Ku, Chen Ping, a big monkey and some other folk that I can't be arsed listing.

Action...Excitement...Spectacle beyond your wildest dreams and maybe a hint of lady breast!

After the always impressive Shaw Brother’s shower screen-based logo and the promise of some patented Shaw-Scope action our story opens at the famous Hong Kong Library of Things where besuited business bloke Lu Tien (Ku from Inframan) has gathered a group of his pals together in order to look at a newspaper featuring a photo of a footprint pertaining to belong to the prehistoric Peking Man who lives somewhere in the Himalayas.

It seems (well according to the wobbly dissolve flashback it does) that this big brute has recently destroyed a model village and a polystyrene mountain much to the chagrin of a group of black-faced extras who look equally bemused and confused as a moth-eaten ape that varies in size between shots grumpily growls whilst squashing them.

After this frighteningly realistic foray into the fury of nature we're back at the library where Lu Tien proposes that they mount an expedition (as opposed  to a wee boy) to capture the giant then get rich by giving him his own daytime TV show.

But who will lead this expedition?

Enter (roughly from behind) the greatest explorer in all Hong Kong, the Elvis haired  Johnny 'Fimbles' Feng (HK action god Lee) who as luck would have it has just fallen out with his girlfriend and is looking for something to take his mind of it.

Your dad's taking the divorce well.

Cue scratchy holiday film intercut with stock footage of animals and various beggars as by the beauty of time-lapse we can witness the entire (almost) journey to their first base camp in a matter of minutes as a fleet of ox-drawn wagons wobble and  trundle along dirt roads to an adventurous type score swells in the back and our heroes spend the time smoking fags and pointing at stuff.

On arrival our intrepid heroes discover that the village is deserted save for a huge blanket with rampaging elephants projected onto it, oh hang on I think those are actually meant to be real elephants.

It convinces the explorers tho' as they all run around shooting at random stuff whilst trying not to get squashed.

The director, quickly growing tired of all this excitement, shoos the elephants away enabling the expedition - and the film - to continue.

But not until Johnny has poured his heart out with regards to the girl he was set to marry shagging his TV director sibling Charlie which sent him careering into drink and depravity that culminated in him leading the expedition.

“You’ve got it made Johnny.” says his sexy mustached unnamed colleague, “Just grab the monster, take it back to Hong Kong and then you’ll be able to get any woman you want!”

Which is fair enough I guess.

With a knowing smile Johnny heartily agrees before telling the group it's bedtime.

What a guy.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, Wigan, 1977.....Yesch!

No sooner have the motley band of explorers had a shave 'n' shite the next morning when they're attacked by a tiger and chased into quicksand (it never rains) luckily Johnny chases the beast away but not before it's eaten one of the native bearers (rubber) legs.

Just to remind everyone that he's a wee bit of a patented bastard Lu Tien shoots the poor bloke in the face - his excuse? Well his cries of pain may attract predators.

Or maybe rats.

No time to mourn tho' as the expedition has reached the Himalayas and there's climbing to be done.

And more nameless extras to die in the name of adventure obviously.

As they - finally - reach the summit, Lu Tien, being a coward as well as being a trigger-happy bastard decides that he's bored and wants to go home.

Or at least back to his nice hotel in order to have some of 'the sex' with the local ladies.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Johnny tho' has other ideas (he's read the script) and excitedly rallies the remaining explorers who head further into the jungle where they catch glimpse of a semi-nude blonde cavorting thru the trees.

Giving chase the merry band soon come across a giant footprint that they assume belongs to the fabled (mighty) Peking Man so decide to set up camp for the night right next to it in the hope that he may return.

Unfortunately that evening Lu Tien bribes the surviving party members with a secret stash of Opal Fruits and persuades them to return to the hotel with him leaving poor Johnny alone without food or water.

Awaking suddenly the next morn to find himself totally alone with only an empty Pot Noodle container and a crumpled pile of stiff tissues for company, Johnny decides to cheer himself up by going for a walk across the studio backlot - sorry thru the jungle where suddenly, out of the blue a giant gorilla arm appears and picks him up before depositing him at the feet of  a smooth, milky thighed blonde (Kraft) clad only in a tiny leather bikini.

Kraft: Cheese.

Speaking in a strange jungle tongue (which sounds a wee bit like she's from Lower Gornal if I'm honest) our (shammy) leather clad lovely persuades the big monkey not to squash (or fuck) Johnny but instead to carry him to her bachelorette love cave where after some sexy fruit eating a whirlwind romance (featuring scenes of Kraft spinning cheetahs around her head till they're sick alongside shots of her amusingly getting elephants to give Johnny a trunk job and the like all cut to a bright and breezy 70s J-Pop ditty) begins 'tween the pair.

But it's not all fun and games (seriously I don't think it'll ever get that far) as we're soon into tragic backstory territory as one sunny afternoon the pair come across the wreckage of an airplane in a clearing in the trees - behind the bins obviously - and the merest sight of this (and the two papermache skeletons in the cockpit) causes our blonde beauty to start sobbing and wailing whilst randomly pointing at the bony pair screaming "PAPA! MAMA! BURNY! BURNY! BANG! BANG! WEEEEEEEEE!"

Scrabbling thru the corpses pockets for loose change Johnny finds a crumpled photograph of what he assumes to be the jungle girl as a child alongside her parents which prompts her to start dribbling into her cleavage and waving her arms about as she attempts to convey the sorry tale of how she arrived in the jungle.

It appears that when her family were flying back from the local Asda one weekend that a terrible (as in badly matted) storm caused their plane to crash.

She was thrown clear - as opposed to tossed off obviously) before it was engulfed by flames and the next morn discovered by the Mighty Peking Man who adopted her.

Seems legit.

Having one last rummage thru' the wreckage for any unopened beers or bags of  crisps Johnny finds a diary that reveals the fact that her name is actually Samantha.

And on that bombshell the pair return to frolicking thru' the trees to a sexy samba beat.

"Oh look....somewhere to park my bike!"

The fun and happiness doesn't last long tho' as when Samantha (as we'll now call her as it's much quicker to type than 'flaxen haired jungle Jane' or 'milky thighed bombshell') sits down on a convenient rock to have a quick snack a deadly Cobra slithers up her leg and bites her inner thigh leaving Johnny no other option than to bury his head 'tween her legs and start sucking.

Which lets be honest is nice work if you can get it.

Luckily a nearby elephant picks up Samantha and carries her off to her cave where Johnny can continue his fantastic first aid technique in more comfortable surroundings.

Meanwhile back in civilization Lu Tien is busying himself touching up local prostitutes in the hotel swimming pool just to remind us that he's a bad 'un whilst at the cave Samantha is quickly recovering and as a thank you to Johnny for saving her life she stumbles into his arms for a wee kiss followed by a bit of bedroom action as the big monkey watches from outside living up to his name of the mighty peeking man.

Sorry.

Fancy trainers not shown.

All these jungle hi-jinks (and long lingering slo-mo shots of Samantha's smooth undulating breasts) can't carry on forever tho' and soon Johnny is yearning for the bright lights of the big city and scarily manages to persuade saucy Sam that they should head back to Hong Kong and take the (Mighty) Peking Man with them.

With Samantha now utterly enslaved by Johnny's cock (well she's only flesh and blood) she excitedly agrees and the trio head off to India where they can hitch a ride to Hong Kong thanks to Lu Tien and his huge freighter.

And yes they do all do appear to have forgotten that he's a bad man.

Thanks to some stunning model work (and someones bathtub) we're off on the high seas where the Mighty Peking Man is having a wet old time being chained to the deck of a freighter during a storm as a soggy Samantha looks on.

And if that wasn't a metaphor for BREXIT I don't know what is.

Luckily Johnny has bought her a (very) little present to cheer her up and fit in when they arrive in Hong Kong, unfortunately it appears that he wants her to fit in to the red light district seeing as the gift consists of a teeny tiny pair of leather hot pants and a basque.

Classy.

Being a modern free-thinking woman tho' Samantha throws the outfit away before falling back onto her bunk in all her naked glory to drift into sleep thinking about big hairy hands and bananas.

Class.

With the movie almost over we're soon in Hong Kong where crowds of (fairly) excited extras are randomly pointing at where the FX team will hopefully superimpose the Mighty Peking Man and his model boat at some point but whilst we're waiting for that  there's just enough time for Johnny to check in on his brother Charlie at the TV station.

After a quick chat Johnny realises that his brother wasn't to blame for the previous infidelity and that it was all the fault of his whorish girlfriend and with that Johnny and Samantha settle down to watch the recording of the Honk Kong equivalent of The Mini-Pops.

Phew glad that's sorted.

Whilst they're enjoying the sight of a pre-pubescent girl miming to The Spice Girls hit Wannabe who should enter the studio but Johnny’s ex-fiancé Lucy (Ping from Da lao qian, Big Bad Sis and Feng kuang da ben zei) who sneakily passes him a note to meet her in her dressing room.

Johnny leaps up and goes to see her where she begs him to take her back and Johnny -being stupid - passionately kisses her just as Samantha walks in.

Heartbroken Samantha runs off into the city (a veritable concrete jungle if you will) and Johnny gives chase.

Unfortunately he keeps tripping over his erection and soon loses sight of her.

"Look at me! I'm from Cradley Heath!"

Meanwhile the poor Peking Man is having a pretty shite time of it himself, chained as he is to a huge pole whilst overweight Chinese folk throw fruit at him as he attempts to juggle a couple of Tonka toys.

Catching a glimpse of these woeful shenanigans on a shop front TV, Samantha bursts into tears before persuading a couple of British tourists to drive her to the stadium where her monkey mate is performing.

She arrives just in time to catch his keepers amusing themselves by trying to push their brooms up his arse so desperately looks for anyone who can help.

Unfortunately for her the person in charge is Lu Tien and never one to not take advantage of a situation invites Samantha back to his office to 'discuss' the matter.

Taking a fairly sinister and totally unnecessary turn, Lu Tien is soon forcing alcohol into Samantha's mouth whilst pawing at her breasts with his chubby sausage fingers as she struggles to break free, finally pulling back the (non beef) curtains allowing the Peking Man to see her plight.

Understandably enraged he breaks free and heads over to the office as a terrified Lu Tien bundles Samantha into the back of his car in the hope of finding a nearby hotel where he can continue his monstrous molestation.

Ping Chen: Hairy back and arse.

Cue ten minutes of cut-price Kaiju style action as the Peking Man stomps on cars and pisses up a couple of cardboard buildings as he attempts to save Samantha from Lu Tien's rancid uncut cock.

Whilst all this pound shop destruction is going down the local (British natch) military have launched a counter-attack and ordered their entire (toy) tank squad to hunt down the beast and destroy him but luckily Johnny nd points out that Samantha can control the Peking Man and probably get him to stop smashing stuff so an APB is sent out to find Samantha who as we know is currently pinned face down on a bed as Lu Tien clumsily fiddles with his flies as he attempts to not prematurely fire his man muck over her peachy arse.

Luckily for Samantha (and her virgin ring) just as leery Lu Tien is about to unleash his engorged member the Peking Man pops his hand thru' the window and grabs him, waving him about before dropping the pervy ponce on the concrete and finally stepping on him.

Result.

Peow!

As Johnny desperately searches for Samantha and Samantha runs around the city in her pants the Peking Man amuses himself by stepping on, well everything really before climbing to the top of a skyscraper and baring his arse at the army helicopters.

Reckoning that a poorly aimed monkey fart could send him toppling down the army decide to fill the roof with petrol and set light to it so to this end send a crack squad to the roof.

Down below Samantha and Johnny are finally reunited and race to the frontline in the hope of convincing the head army man to order a cease-fire so they can head to the roof themselves and calm the Peking Man down.

Army man agrees but as our terrific twosome journey upwards the military are already planning to kill the Peking man.

And anyone who gets in their way..... 

Words!

From the prolific Shaw Brothers directorial mainstay Ho Meng Hua comes this Hong Kong/King Kong mash-up that was all set to rival not only the original King Kong but Dino De Laurentiis' Kong remake at the box office.

Until that is they discovered that it takes more than a couple of tin tanks, an old fur coat and a Swiss bombshell not afraid to furtively flash her nipples to make a classic monster movie.

And no, basing the female leads outfit on the one Marion Michael (barely) wore in Liane, das Mädchen aus dem Urwald doesn't count either.

And if I'm honest it only makes you feel guilty for remembering how obsessed you were with her as a teen.

Michael: Barry more.

It's not all bad tho'

I mean any movie that features HK action icon Danny Lee fighting stuffed leopards and shooting elephants can't be all that bad plus Evelyne Kraft manages to pull of the whole jungle virgin shtick with aplomb whilst wearing what looks like a leather duster on her arse whilst Feng Ku makes a great panto style villain - until the unnecessary attempted rape that is, a scene that's as unwanted as it is uncomfortable in what until this point has been a pretty straightforward boys own adventure.

Albeit one with a veritable feast of nipple slips.

Meng Hua Ho's direction is pretty solid - if a little point and shoot - whilst the score (credited to Yung-Yu Chen) is mainly made up of classic De Wolfe library tracks alongside copious amounts of Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich which give it an air of - threadbare - elegance.

Or laziness when it comes to the soundtrack, you decide.

Kraft: Slices.

Easily as entertaining as it's stablemates - the South Korean-American co-production A.P.E. (1976) and the Italian monster mash-up Yeti: Giant Of The 20th Century (1977) and scarily slightly better budgeted, The Mighty Peking Man is a perfect Friday night cheese feast of a film for anyone who enjoys a good monster movie or just enjoys seeing hunky Chinese guys topless.

Recommended,