the maggots have gushed forth...

Well everyone else seems to have an opinion (and a couple of those folk have even seen it) so who am I to miss a wee bit of bandwagon jumping?

On a more serious note the kids are off because of the snow so I wanted something we could watch as a family.

A Serbian Film (AKA Srpski Film. 2010).
Dir: Srdjan Spasojevic.
Cast: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic, Katarina Zutic, Slobodan Bestic , Ana Sakic, Lena Bogdanovic, Luka Mijatovic and Andjela Nenadovic.

There are a load more folk too but my spell checker just had a breakdown.

"start with the little one."

Milo, former member of The Tweenies and semi-retired Serbian porn star (Todorovic, allegedly but I reckon it's really David Spade of Saturday Night Live fame) lives the good life with his beautiful wife Bela (Eastern Europe's very own council estate Famke Janssen, Gavrilovic, bless you) and their young, pretty lipped son Jake.

What he lacks financially he more than makes up for in his home life and buddy buddy relationship with his wide-faced brother, Marko (Bestic from the fantastic Serbian teevee hit Metla bez drske) , a white suited policeman with horses teeth.

Don't be too surprised to find out he's the good looking one in the family, after all they are Serbian.

But deep down our sexy friend is worried that his meagre savings wont be enough to support his family in the future and has taken to swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and leaving his porn stash around for his wee boy to see.

A bit like my childhood then.

Then one day out of the blue Milo's former co-star, the frighteningly pneumatic Lejla (Zutic) contacts him with an offer he'd be hard put to refuse.

Or just hard judging by his past performances.

It appears that  bushy bearded millionaire pornographer cum artist cum in mah mooth director Max Vukmir (Trifunovic, who once made a film with Nicolas Cage) is a fan of Milo's earlier work (especially the episode where Doodles goes missing and Fizz loses her hair ribbon) and is intrigued by his legendary erection skills

Milo, it is rumoured, can keep - and maintain - a massive hard on just by thinking about it.

No big deal really, I've got one whilst I'm typing this.

"I'm shagging your weans!"

Vukmir is determined to take porn out of the gutter and into the realms of 'true art' and to this end offers Milo a huge wad of cash to be the movies star. The only rules are that Milo must remain ignorant to the films plot, never interacting with the other performers off stage as to keep his reactions 'true'.

If he agrees to these demands a car will arrive to pick him up every morning and he will be supplied with an earpiece where instructions and direction will be relayed to him.

Milo reckons that it sounds a pretty easy job for a lifetime of potatoes and Vodka (or whatever those pesky Serbians class as luxuries) so signs up straight away.

I mean none of it sounds at all sinister.

"No! I'm shagging your weans!"

A few days later (after a series of 'Rocky' still training montages intercut with shots of Marko having a wank whilst thinking of his sister-in-law) Milo is taken up the local social work offices where he's filmed reacting to a woman shouting at her daughter before being led into a room where the very same woman (I think seeing as the casting brief seems to have read 'Wanted: rough as fuck, interchangeable blonde women with builders thighs') gives him a blow job.

So far so so, if not for the fact that the room is full of giant screens showing the woman's daughter putting on bright red lipstick and sucking on a long sticky lollipop during the whole thing.

I'm assuming this has a hidden meaning but it was a wee bit too deep and intellectual for me to understand.

"And I'm watching him shagging your weans!"

Thinking to himself "Wahey! I'm getting paid to get girlie gobbles!" Milo begins to enjoy revisiting his old life until that is he's led into a room and is expected to let a battered and bruised woman touch his tadger whilst the young girl from earlier, dressed this time like Alice in Wonderland, sits and watches him.

Milo, obviously embarrassed to have his cock out in front of such a wee lassie has a major hissy fit and refuses to continue but as he goes to leave the battered bint bites down on his manhood whilst one of the crew appears from the shadows, grabbing Milo round the throat and forcing him to comply.

Milo is not a very happy chappie.

"I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush".

Wiping his cock on his trousers he storms off to see Vukmir, hoping to get to the bottom (fnarr) of what's going on.

It comes as a surprise to Milo (but to no-one watching) that despite the charm, well trimmed facial hair and a government contract, Vukmir is a bad man (hey! Do you think that the director is trying to say something about authority here? Maybe he's hinting that those well spoken Serbian politicians with their fancy suits and big words could really be bad men too?) and alongside his job as a minister for childcare and the like is head of an organisation that produces 'specialist porn for the more discriminating viewer.

One such project, explains Vukmir excitedly, in a scene that rivals The Mother of Tears  in it's misuse of a Baby Alive doll, involves a fat man delivering then shagging a newborn baby whilst the mother (not too surprisingly played by a rough as fuck, blonde with builders thighs) looks on approvingly.

Give me a minute whilst I fire off an angry letter to my local MP.

And Mattel.

Somewhere to park the directors bike at least.

Reeling from the shock revelation (well it's either that or he's so fucking offended that someone would attempt to pass off such a shoddy effect as being even remotely realistic) Milo stomps off to his car and drives off, not realising that Vukmir, just for a laugh, has spiked his with bull Viagra which, when given to humans (or even Serbians) creates a highly aggressive, permanently aroused sexual state that leaves the unfortunate victim open to all manner of suggestion.

No, really.

Coming over all woozy (which makes a change from having to endure shots of him coming over various, unattractive women's faces), Milo pulls over to the side of the road where almost immediately he's approached by a whorish brunette (I reckon it's the directors sister) who reaches into the car are starts fondling his cock.

Scarper! It's the parkie!"

The next thing Milo knows is that three day have passed and he's at home in his bed, encrusted in blood and semen, beaten to a pulp and with no memory of anything post the dirty bird hand job.

To most folk reading this would be a normal Saturday night, but as we've come to learn Serbia is bad (as are it's rulers, women, fashions etc.), so Milo heads back to Vukmir's pad to find out the truth.

Or at the very least find a stash of poorly hidden video tapes containing everything that's happened over the last seventy two hours.

Within minutes of arriving at Vukmir's (now deserted) house, Milo has indeed found a stash of  tapes and decides to go into the garden to view them.

Well it is a sunny day, which I gather is unusual in Serbia where it's more likely to be raining virgin's tears mixed with shame.

Armed only with a plate of egg and cress sandwiches and a weak lemon drink Milo begins his videotaped trip into terror.

High on the bull Viagra and totally under Vukmir's power, poor Milo is forced to shag the ample arse off a (you guessed it) nude yet still rough as fuck, blonde women with builders thighs (and arms) who's been thoughtfully handcuffed to a bed whilst Vukmir rants on about Serbia, Serbian war heroes, Serbian weather and Serbia in general.

Yup, I'm pretty sure all this violence is metaphorical.

This rousing speech regarding national identity is bought to a thrilling finale when Vukmir orders Milo to cut the woman's head off with a handy machete in order to allow him to experience the ecstatic joy of rigor mortis rogering.

Out of all the people in this scene she was the one I now felt the most jealous of, yes I know this poor woman has been raped and murdered but as a plus point at least she hasn't got to listen to all this teen angst political bollocks anymore.

Unlike the viewer who has at least twenty five minutes of this shite left to deal with.

Tape two consists of footage of Milo, off his tits, naked and chained face down on a sofa bed being anally violated by a hunky blond man.

So not all bad then.

Gerry McCann was shocked to find his cupboard was bare.

Pausing only to wipe the blood from his arse, Milo tentatively loads the final tape and finds himself looking at Lejla bound by the wrists and hanging in the middle of the set from Hostel, her face swollen and bloodied from having all her teeth removed.

Just like the Serbian government removed workers rights to vote on International X Factor or something.

Probably.

Suddenly a granddad-panted man with a bin bag on his head enters the room and forces his cock (well an obviously rubber representation of one) down her throat until she suffocates.

Milo is visibly stunned by what is revealed on the tapes.

How could Vukmir lie about making art porn with proper plots when he's really producing so-so, been there, seen that torture porn that went out of fashion around five years ago?

But that'll have to wait as there's only fifteen minutes left and there's plenty more buggery fun to fit in before then.

His memory returning thanks to the tapes, Milo begins to remember more and more details about his missing days.

And frankly it doesn't get any more entertaining.

Or interesting.

Srdjan Todorovic, up the arse, Serbia, 2010....he fucking wishes.

 After being dragged off the street where a gang of teenagers have caught him having a wank in an alley, Milo is taken back to Vukmir's where he's given even more drugs before being taken into a huge white lit room.

The room is empty save for a big bed where two bodies, all covered save their arses, one peachy and one fairly scrawny are waiting for him.

Milo is told to take his pick.

Deciding to take the easy (and more rounded) bottom first Milo  opts for the big round one, pulling his best stroke face and grunting whilst what sounds like a disco version of the theme to The Terminator pounds from the soundtrack.

I take it that this is meant to be fairly serious and a mite disturbing then.

Oh well.

 His boots might have been made for walking but his mooth was definitely made for shite-ing in.

Finishing up with a loud squish Milo hops over and gets to work on the smaller of the two bums, whilst the mysterious Y-Fronted masked man from earlier enters the scene and the (by now soggy seconded) first arse, grinning and groaning as he humps away.

Removing his mask at the moment of climax, Milo is shocked (well as shocked as a junked up arse raper can be) to see his brother grinning back at him, but that's not the worst of it, for the bottom that both of the sleazy siblings have just violated belongs to none other than Milo's wife, off her (fairly attractive) tits on a massive cocktail of drugs administered by the villainous Vukmir.

Surely this powerful and disturbing scene shows the "monolithic power of leaders who hypnotise you to do things you don't want to do"?

Well according to the film's ruddy faced, leather box jacketed writer Aleksandar Radivojevic it does and he wrote E-Snuff and reviewed a couple of horror films once so he knows a thing or two about, erm, stuff.

My personal opinion is that he's a huge fan of Japanese guro manga artist Uziga Waita from whose work huge chunks of A Serbian Film's imagery seems to have been lifted from wholesale.

Or am I the only person to notice this?

"To me!" "To you!"

Anyways, back to the 'plot' and as Milo tries to process what he's just seen (and done) he notices the covered figure beneath him start to stir.

Slowly pulling back the covers Milo is horrified to see that he's spent the last ten or so minutes shagging his own son up the shitter in a scene that could almost be seen as a stark visualisation of the molestation of the Serbian populace by the faceless Serbian government.

Well if you listen to Radivojevic (again) I'm sure that's what he'll tell you.

And if you're easily led (and easily pleased) you'll probably nod sagely and agree with him.

Rather than telling him to get to fuck, finishing your drink and leaving.

So with Milo finally realising the full horror of the situation, his mind snapping as he's dragged kicking and screaming back to reality the full base energy of a man betrayed comes to the fore, fuelling and act of savage violence not seen since Milan Stanković performed Ovo Je Balkan in Oslo to a mildly apathetic audience in early 2010....

After months of rumours, cancelled showings, moral outrage and reviews using words like 'resonance' and 'transgressive', the cinematic equivalent of two middle-class teenagers left home alone for the weekend and deciding to amuse themselves by shouting "Cunt!" at passers-by is here.

Billed by it's distribution company, Revolver Entertainment as 'an uncompromising, artistic and political statement from a unique film-making vision' rather than the more honest 'It wants to be a wee bit like a lobotomised Old Boy but with a uniformly uglier cast', A Serbian Film is one of the few cinematic experiences that has ever left me with no feelings toward it whatsoever.

Like an angry child it tries to act and sound like an adult as it screams and shouts in the corner, it's shrill voice getting louder and louder as it demands your attention.

But on taking time out to listen you realise it really has nothing to say. 

Unlike writer Radivojevic and director Spasojevic who quite cleverly (and/or cynically) have manage to wrap their movie up in a big shitey bow made up of all the bad bits of recent Serbian history, hoping that some of it will stick to as many wannabe intellectual journalists as possible and lessen the duo's chances of getting found out as the second rate hacks they really are.


Spasojevic is quoted as saying that "You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about".

Well if this is the case then I'm sorry but he's never been kicked hard enough.


But with him being in the public eye at the moment his chance may come sooner than he thinks.

I do hope so.

banned on the run.

“Unlike other recent torture-themed horror works, such as the Saw and Hostel series, Grotesque features minimal narrative or character development and presents the audience with little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. The chief pleasure on offer seems to be in the spectacle of sadism (including sexual sadism) for its own sake. Rejecting a work outright is a serious matter and the board considered whether the issue could be dealt with through cuts. However, given the unacceptable content featured throughout cutting the work is not a viable option in this case and the work is therefore refused a classification.” - BBFC director David Cooke.


I really have to question the mental well-being of anyone who makes or watches these movies. - Tokyojesusfist, Beyondhollywood website.

Gurotesuku (AKA Grotesque, 2009)
Dir: Kôji Shiraishi.
Cast: Hiroaki Kawatsure, Tsugumi Nagasawa and Shigeo Ôsako.

A young couple (AV star Tsugumi, last seen as the scary lizard arsed lady in Tokyo Gore Police and Hiroaki from OneChanbara and the classic Carved: The Slit-Mouthed Woman) are returning home after a first date when a scary moonfaced mentalist (rubber faced Shigeo from Funuke, Show Me Some Love looking like Takeshi Kitano's more troubled younger brother) wallops the pair over the head with a mallet, chucks them in the back of his van and drives them to his secret lair.

The bemused and battered couple awake to find themselves shackled in a basement and with no forthcoming explanation (as yet) at the mercy of their captor who, dispensing with pleasantries begins to torture, abuse and ultimately mutilate the (up until now) happy couple for the remainder of the films short running time.

"Just a trim madam?"

Luckily the scenes of endless violence, classical music, cream cakes and people wetting themselves are punctuated by flashbacks revealing how the couple met (which is a relief) and before long their crazy captor has opened up to the poor pair and explained why he's being so bad.

It appears that he can only experience sexual stimulation when watching people fight to survive, yup the indomitable human spirit turns him on.

It's a pity then that he's never discovered any Robert Holmes penned Doctor Who stories as he'd probably just have stayed in wanking himself silly as Sir Tom of Baker gives a variety of rousing speeches to various groups of humans under siege rather than kidnapping strangers from underpasses.

"Eye hen!"

With this confession, Mr. demento has a proposition for the couple; if they have enough spirit to make him cum in his pants whilst sticking pins in them or chainsawing various body parts he'll let them go.

If not they'll both die (very slowly and very, very painfully) in his cellar.

"Steven!"

I have no idea where to start when trying to sum up the experience that is Grotesque, whilst certainly not an enjoyable way to spend the evening it is definitely an unforgettable one.

None too surprisingly tho', it's not the characterless 'spectacle of (sexual) sadism' that the BBFC have accused it of being but is in fact, a startling and somewhat moving tale of true, uncorruptable love overcoming adversity and the evils of modern society.

Bandwagon jumping protectors of all we hold dear, alongside various newspapers have gleefully reported stories on how the film revels in a cesspool of misogynistic sexual violence, completely missing the fact that the mad as a lorry Shigeo is determined that neither victim should be favoured, splitting his time equally between both.

Which in this day and age is actually quite polite.

But whilst those who've seen it (and are intelligent enough to see past the violence on show, make a note of this Mr. Cooke and see me after class) can refute the charges of misogyny leveled at the film,they can't deny the fact that Grotesque is possibly the most nihilistic film about love to ever grace the screen, making it's closest relatives, David Lynch's Wild At Heart and Blue Velvet, appear positively anemic in comparison.

To our American cousins, not matter what Fox News
says our National Health Service is nothing like this.

And with a running time of a mere 73 minutes, Grotesque is the last word in cinematic shock, a bizarre and genuinely unnerving film dragged from the so-called 'torture porn' ghetto by it's impressive casting, simple premise and director Kôji Shiraishi's brave decision to make the viewer experience (in unflinching detail) every bit of pain, confusion and humiliation suffered by the unfortunate couple.

Watching for the first time is disorientating, with Shigeo's sick scheme as much of a mystery to us as it is to the people involved but we can only watch in horror, unable to interfere as we slowly become more and more involved in Shigeo's life and the fate of his victims as Shiraishi holds a mirror up to todays news and media's handling of violence in the real world.

Obviously due to Antichrist (bloody hell, I'm obsessed) being released uncut in the UK, the dear old BBFC had to be seen as protecting us from other (less arty) vile movies lest anyone complained about being able to see Charlotte Gainsbourg performing a circumcision on herself in 70mm Dolby surround at the local cineplex and, unfortunately Grotesque just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ironically just like the movies loved up couple.

But ain't that always the way?

more censorshit......

"Pull this one ya bastards!"

daily male.

If you're suffering from a touch of the blues why not head on over to the webs(h)ite of the permanently morally outraged film critic for that bastion of liberal views (for anyone reading outside the UK that was ironic) the Daily Mail, Christopher Tookey.

Tookey: multi-chinned
moralistic moaner.

It’s called Tookey’s Film Guide (original I know) and it's fantastic search engine enables you to have hours of fun checking thru' his reviews for films that he reckons will corrupt us all and which the Guardian reading liberals of the BBFC should be put up against a wall and shot for allowing thru' the countries moral decency net.

Pearls of wisdom from Mr. Tookey include…

On David Cronenberg’s Crash:

Though I am not normally in favour of banning movies, I couldn’t see how the British Board of Film Classification could - with even an appearance of consistency - award Crash an 18 certificate.

Rosanna Arquette's arse and a pair ofcalipers?
What's not to love?

On Eli Roth’s Hostel:

Many people seem baffled as to why we are raising a generation of desensitized yobs, who see nothing wrong with torture and mutilation, and indeed use these things to foster a bizarre, and evil, sense of community. Barely a week goes by without some new, real-life horror – most recently, the revolting, mindless attack by six youths who abducted, raped and stabbed to death Maryann Leneghan.

Allison Pearson posed one question in the Mail on Wednesday Who are these people? But it seems to me that an even more important question is Why do these people think they can act this way?”

This film is not worthy of an 18 certificate, for it is not suitable for audiences of 48 and over, let alone those aged 18, but it will be seen by millions of people – including children on whom it will make an indelible impression.

Hostel: yes we know it's shite,
but for completely different reasons.

I asked at the start why violent yobs think they can act this way. It is also relevant to inquire who is encouraging their culture of sadism.

Well, let me name names. One is this film’s writer-director, Eli Roth. Another is Takeshi Miike, who contributes a cameo performance to Hostel. A third is Roth’s mentor, Quentin Tarantino, who also appears briefly in the film, and enabled it to be made and released by being its Executive Producer.

Serious questions should be asked of Mr Roth, but I would like to know what Sony Pictures are doing releasing such a picture. Is making money their only motivation? Have they no shame? No sense of social responsibility? No values?

I would also like to know who, apart from our pusillanimous and negligent censors, thinks this kind of evil, pernicious trash truly warrants an 18 certificate.

Enjoy!

criminalising kinkiness.

"Anyone who doesn't agree with the new law has serious mental health issues..."
Daniel, Oxford via the BBC News website.

Your mum in your bed
whilst you were in the pub last night.

Fantastic news for all fans of Unwell style movies (oh and freedom of speech I guess) as next week sees a bill outlawing the possession of "extreme pornography" set to become law.

But many fear it has been rushed through and will criminalise innocent people not just with a harmless taste for 'unconventional' sexual practices but that the wording of the bill will also criminalise many (non-pornographic) movies too .


The campaign to ban the possession of 'violent sexual imagery' is spearheaded by Liz Longhurst whose daughter was by murdered five years ago.

It emerged that her killer had been compulsively accessing websites such as Club Dead and Rape Action, which contained (fake) images of women being abused and violated. Supported by her local media hungry MP, Martin Salter and bastion of moral decency David Blunkett, the then home secretary planned to introduce the legislation to ban the possession of "violent and extreme pornography" which gets its final reading this week and will get Royal Assent on 8 May.

Enjoy wearing masks in the bedroom?
then you're a filthy Pervert!

Until now the smut peddlers, rather than the consumer, have needed to operate within the confines of the 1959 Obscene Publications Act, but while this law will remain, the new act is designed to reflect the realities of the internet age, when pornographic images may be hosted on websites outside the UK.

Under the new rules, criminal responsibility shifts from the producer (not the musical journey that is 'Hey Mr. Producer!') - who is responsible under the OPA - to the sweaty palmed, gimp masked consumer.

Jodie shows how many
of her movies
will become illegal
under the new law.

But campaigners say the new law risks criminalising thousands of people who not only use violent pornography as part of consensual sexual relationships but also anyone that owns any motion picture that can be deemed to feature 'violent sexual imagery'.

As defined by this new bill it will be illegal to own (or produce) imagery that features:

An act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life

An act which results in or appears to result in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals

An act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse

A person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal

The main problem according to civil liberty groups is the use of the word 'appears' in the bill as this can be taken to mean scenes appearing in a non-pornographic, dramatic setting.

That's most of your DVD collections screwed dear readers.

Films that can fall foul of the new bill (and therefore can be seen as illegal to own) include amongst others:

Casino Royale (alongside most Bonds)
Visitor Q
The accused
Scum
Taxi Driver
Blue Velvet
Cape Fear
Evil Dead (it's been a long time since this was deemed obscene!)
Pulp Fiction

(fake) corpse sex: illegal from next week.

Some sensible MP's (yup there are a few surprisingly) are also worried about the wording of the bill. The sultry Baroness Miller said "You have to be very careful about the definition of 'extreme pornography' and they have not nearly been careful enough."

She has suggested the new act adopt the legal test set out in the OPA, which bans images which "tend to deprave and corrupt" (a wee bit like photobucket does here) but our Parliamentary masters have refused.

Mrs Longhurst acknowledges that libertarians see her as "a horrible killjoy" but replied "I'm not. I do not approve of this stuff but there is room for all sorts of different people. But anything which is going to cause damage to other people needs to be stopped."

To those who fear the legislation might criminalise people who use violent pornography as a harmless sex aid, she responds with a blunt "hard luck".

"There is no reason for this stuff. I can't see why people need to see it. People say what about our human rights but where are Jane's human rights?"
A horrible Killjoy? No. Just a grieving mother coming to terms with a deep loss by trying to find a reason for her daughters death, rather than blaming the sick individual who would have killed with or without his fetish.

Truth be told the extreme pornography sites probably satisfied him enough to stop him killing earlier, without them he would still have had the same urges just no 'safe' (to begin with) release.

How long before people realise that bad things happen without the use of films, books, photo's and specialist websites?

See?
Too much does make you go blind.

The recent jackbooted rompings of Formula 1 Fuhrer Max (son of Oswald) Mosley have served as a reminder that kinkiness is found in all walks of society.

And just as Herr Mosely is calling the revelations an invasion of his private life, so Baroness Miller says the new law also threatens people's privacy:

"The government is effectively walking into people's bedrooms and saying you can't do this. It's a form of thought police." She says there's a danger of "criminalising kinkiness".

Blue Velvet: A sick and vile film for sick and vile people.
Probably.

"How many tens or hundreds or thousands of people are going to be dragged into a police station, have their homes turned upside down, their computers stolen and their neighbours suspecting them of all sorts?" Such "victims" won't feel able to fight the case and "will take a caution, before there are enough test cases to prove that this law is unnecessary and unworkable".

Mosley: Nazi whore loving fan
of fisting (but aren't we all?).

Another opponent of the new law is Edward Garnier, an MP, skin care expert and part-time judge, who questioned the clause when it was debated in the Commons.

"My primary concern is the vagueness of the offence," says Mr Garnier, his voice cracked and worried. "It was very subjective and it would not be clear to me how anybody would know if an offence had been committed."

But the Ministry of Justice is arrogantly unrepentant, saying the sort of images it is seeking to outlaw are out of place in modern-day Britain (except when indulged in by Tory MP's obviously).

"Material which depicts necrophilia, bestiality or violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals has no place in a modern society and should not be tolerated," says a spokeswoman for the ministry.

Well that's us told then.

Craig: illegal bollock beating.

Yet opponents have also seized on what they see as an ideological schism (no idea what that is but it does sound impressive, a bit like that rift in Cardiff) in the new law, noted by the brave hearted Lord Wallace of Tankerness during last week's debate in the House of Lords.

"Och, If nae sexual offence is being committed it seems very odd indeed that there should be an offence for having an image of something which was not an offence, you ken?" he said before riding off to fight the English or something.

Wallace: You'll never take
his freedom (to fuck animals).

That mad bald bloke from Mediawatch, John Beyer has been conspicuous by his absence throughout it all tho.

barmy brazier.

For your enjoyment his bill to tackle video violence can be found in full here.

"How many killings?"

Don't forget to leave a message and tell him who sent you.

chinned.

Good news for film fans! Freakishly faced Tory rat boy Julian Brazier's plan curb the release of 'explicit films and games' has been opposed!

Brazier: rodent
like control freak.

Barmy Brazier's private member's bill failed when the debate ran out of time as he ranted and drooled like the controlling loon that he is.

He demanded more of a say over the BBFC's membership and guidelines, which he argued had been "progressively liberalised" and also wanted a change to the system that currently only allows appeals against BBFC classifications, or decisions to cut footage, by the entertainment industry, citing "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

His evidence? a 'borrowed' copy of the 1976 snoozefest SS Experiment Camp.

No surprise that he was supported by Labour MP's Keith (where's the sick child for a photo opportunity?) Vaz and Stephen Pound, who uttered the classic quote that "the sanctity of life becomes diluted" with regard to violent films.

A violent film like those mentioned.

Judi Dench-alike Culture Minister Margaret Hodge said the government had responded to concerns by asking beautiful boffin (and Unwell pin-up) Dr Tanya Byron to review whether more regulation to protect children was needed - due to report back next month.

Hodge: dirty pillows (probably).

Urging MPs to await that report she said legislation would not be effective on its own. Parents, internet service providers and others would also have to take responsibility. She was still speaking as time ran out at 1430 GMT and the bill now stands no chance of becoming law.

Meow.

It's bad news for Gunnar Hansen fans tho' as late on Friday, the BBFC rejected his new film Murder Set Pieces amid concerns about it's violent sexual scenes - the ruling means it cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK but can be found here for free.

God I love the internet.

1984 and all that.

Thought I'd gone back in time this morning after hearing the news that big chinned Tory MP Julian Brazier announced that 'Explicit and extreme video games and films are fueling a tide of violence in Britain' and that MPs should have more of a say over appointments to the board of British Board of Film Classification and its guidelines.

Brazier: looks like a pervert.

Power mad Mr Brazier wants MPs to be able to trigger an appeal against BBFC decisions to restore cut footage or lower a classification of film and during a recent Commons debate, he cited the example of the previously banned SS Experiment Camp (again, what year is this Julian?) - which was re-examined by the BBFC and released in 2005.

"The film shows in voyeuristic detail women being tortured to death by SS camp guards," he said, obviously assuming that it was a documentary and not as we all know a badly made Italian exploitation epic from 1976.

On the subject of the French 'arthouse' classic Irreversible, he added "If this is not glamorising rape then it is difficult to imagine what would be."

He then told MPs, whilst foaming at the mouth and stamping his fist on his desk like the jumped up little Hitler he is that: "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

Obviously he has no evidence to back this up but thought it sounded good.

Vaz: Ambulance chasing vulture.

Unsurprisingly he was backed by tragedy jumping Labour MP Keith Vaz, who represents a seat in Leicester where the mother of 14-year-old murder victim publicly attributed his death to his killer's 'obsession' with the Manhunt video game - although the trial judge (and police) did not confirm her view, blaming robbery.

Vaz is particularly concerned about video games (particularly if they can get him column inches and re-elected), arguing they were different from films because they are "interactive".


"When they plan with these things they are able to interact, they can shoot people, they can kill people, they can rape women and that's what is so wrong about the situation we have at the moment."

As we all know, you can't actually 'kill' people in games because it's not real.

A fake death scene from a film: not real.

Luckily the comedy genius of John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee is here to raise a giggle.

He said he had been 'lent' a copy of SS Experiment Camp (right, like it's not his own) but dismissed it as a "truly dreadful film".

He explained: "It is what is called Italian Schlock (is it? is it really? or are you just making words up now to look cool and hip you sad misguided man) and many people will find it offensive because of the subject matter, because it involves Nazis and extermination camps".

Do you think he figured that out from the title?

I have to say there is not a single scene in that film that I could argue should be banned. "Actually the scenes of so-called torture and the scenes of sex are mild compared to anything you can go and see today in the Odeon down the road."

What? anything? even in kids films? and Rambo? even tho' the Odeon aren't showing it? Generalization? Never!

However, he did say he was concerned about big budget "torture porn" films like the Saw and Hostel series of films, which he said should have been cut "more than they were" even tho' he admitted he hadn't seen them.

Mr Brazier's bill has cross-party support but would need the government's backing to become law.

Let's pray to God he gets hit by a bus before then.

why does my blog keep getting.....

Is Keith Vaz reading it?

just the facts.

From over at www.object.org.uk (a scary feminist blog that I'm surprised haven't tried to set light to me yet) came this report:

Protesters in Glasgow and Liverpool have challenged Tarantino at the premiers of his latest 'Torture Porn' film. These films depict as humour topless and naked women being tortured, mutilated, raped and murdered.

They have spawned a 'Number One Rapist Doll', sold by Amazon, based on a character played by Tarantino himself.

Hmmm......doesn't sound a lot like Death Proof to me.....I mean if you're going to go out and 'challenge' a director regarding his movies content it's probably a good idea to make sure you've not mistaken his movie for one of his friends.

Saying that tho' Planet Terror doesn't feature any 'topless and naked women being tortured, mutilated, raped and murdered' for humour either.

Ooops.....better luck next time ladies!

l

Shit film, shit poster, non catchy vandalism..

censorsh*t 2

It's gone all 1984 again after the banning of Manhunt 2 as the government is asking for a new study of the effect of violent computer games on children.

Byron: Brains and beauty.

Psychologist and top TeeVee babe Tanya Byron will head the study, which will also examine how to protect children from online material (erm....get their parents to take an interest in what they're doing online and not just leave them to it perhaps?).

The review is due to be launched by raven haired Dr Byron - together with Schools Secretary Ed Balls (snigger) and Culture Secretary James Purnell - at a school in east London.

Sexy yet sweet.

The games industry association Elspa is also co-operating with the study - but has said that it was too often blamed for society's ills.

Spokesman Paul Jackson commented in his husky tones "We're too often blamed for everything from obesity to youth violence...It is just not true and it's not appropriate." He added: "We feel quite positively about this review. It's clear the review is about making sure parents are properly informed about what their youngsters are playing and what they are accessing on the internet. Now I've got to dash as I'm downloading some top porn."

Dreamy.

The thinking mans crumpet Dr Byron possibly said: "The study will be about what industry is doing already to protect children and what more could be done to ensure they have a positive experience on the internet and with games.....which will probably involve making then all illegal and banning the internet from working class homes."

'Singled out'

Veteran developer and specky geek David Braben, of Frontier games, asked why games were being singled out.

"A review might be useful but it should not just look at one media, especially when media are intersecting," he said in that way that only tech-heads talk.

A slightly different manhunt
from the one banned yesterday.

He added in a squeaky voice: "Historically there has always been in government a Luddite sentiment - whatever the new industry is tends to take the blame of the latest ailment of society. We do tend to be the people who get the blame first at the moment. And that is a tragedy - because this industry is one of the most interesting media."

Philip Oliver (not the ex Brookside star), chief executive of Blitz games, said more education was needed for parents (and probably a good slap seeing as quiet a few seem to ignore the big 18 label on films, games etc. and think sportswear is a good look for down the shops. Scum).

"They aren't paying attention to the certificates (see...told you). That is partly because they don't understand them (thick as shit Neds) and have a distorted image of games - that either they are harmless or totally evil".

The review is launched a day after the British Board of Film Classification refused a certificate for Manhunt 2 for a second time. Tho' I must admit that after playing a leaked (and uncut) version for over a week (purely for research purposes) I don't feel the urge to kill anyone....well not anyone I didn't want to kill before.

The kind of violence that
may be caused by video games.

Mr Oliver then backtracked and said the decision was proof "the system is working". Rather than getting angry that adults are being told what they can or can't play just in case some wee chav with a steakie decides to rob someone of their mobile phone and their lilly liberal local MP/parent etc. goes "Oh it was that game/film what made him do it....he was a good boy till then....honest".

Makes me want to puke.

According to Elspa, only 2% of games released in the UK receive an 18 certificate and the average age of a gamer is 28.

'Love on The Rocks'

Mr Jackson said: "We are a very important British industry. We are very responsible and keen to ensure that our products are only played by those who they are designed for."

Margaret Robertson, a video games 'consultant' and former editor of Edge magazine, said the industry felt it was doing as much as it could.

A child re-enacts his favourite Mortal
Kombat death scene for Dr. Tanya.

"The games industry is holding itself to higher standards than the film industry. Allowing that, everyone is united in not wanting material for older gamers to get into the hands of children."

She added: "This report may start finding some wider ways to do that because that's our main priority, not making shed fulls of cash."

I just don't understand why they just can't make the boxes bigger so that children can't hold them in their hands. Simple really.

seduction of the gullible.

The calm before the censorship storm?....BBC news brings a 'lively' debate on 'torture porn' (the new name for horror movies featuring "sadistic torture, mutilation and murder - often with women as the victims - are central to the plot".) Which is nice.

Tim Masters full article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6238204.stm

but I figured it'd be more entertaining to take the piss (well at least I'm honest). Enjoy:

"The last three weeks alone has seen Vacancy, Captivity and Hostel: Part II playing in cinemas across the UK" an obviously terrified Tim writes.

"Hostel: Part II is the follow-up to Eli Roth's box office hit from early 2006 in which a group of male backpackers fall prey to a torture ring in Slovakia" (obviously this can't be one of the culprits as the main victims are men but there you go) "And a poster campaign for Captivity (one that was mistakenly used and actually pulled by the distributors, but that doesn't make good copy) was pulled earlier this year in the US after complaints about the graphic images featuring the film's lead Elisha Cuthbert" (the new one featuring her being buried alive with her breasts pushed towards the viewer is ok tho').

The original poster pulled for being too violent or
just too cluttered and badly designed? you decide!

The acceptable face (and breasts) of fear.

In an attempt to bring an experts opinion to the proceedings Master's quotes Mark Kermode's review of Captivity from Radio Five Live:

"It's a grotty, nasty, sleazy, infantile piece of dung" said the bequiffed skiffler. Lets be honest tho' if you're a 'proper' serious fan of the horror genre you just know that something like Captivity is going to be utter rot and the only folk that'll enjoy it are the ones like the really awful woman in pink that appeared on the Dawn of The Dead remake ads going "It's sooo much better than the original!" when you knew for a fact that she wouldn't know the Romero version if it came up behind her and took a chunk out of her ample arse.

Kermode: sleazy
and infantile.

"Last year, another torture-flavoured film, Saw III, grabbed headlines after reports of punters fainting in the cinema".

But if you're gonna pay good money to see factory produced lowest common denominator bollocks like a Saw movie then fainting in the cinema is the least of your worries.

The only way you'd get
me watching Saw III.

"A clever marketing ploy perhaps, or are these films really pushing the boundaries of violence and on-screen bloodshed?" pushing the boundaries of dumbing down films perhaps....

Masters then goes on to review the movies (worth reading for a laugh at least) before 'bumping into' top horror bod and Argentofile Alan (our mate John has shagged him) Jones (I never just happen to bump into him in the street after seeing a movie....why?)

"Caught enjoying Vacancy? fined £300!"

"There is nothing new in this," he says. "People have been on stone slabs being tortured by people since Frankenstein."

"But is there a difference when the horror has no fantasy element?" Asks a somewhat confused Tim because obviously 'horror without a fantasy element' is something like Schindler's List or The Killing Fields but seeing as they're 'proper' films they don't count.

"That's the problem - most people can write off the Hammer movies because they can be explained away as fairytales" answers Jones. "But with Hostel it's dealing with what people don't really want to address. And that is that the guy who's standing next to you in the supermarket queue could be a serial killer. Not just somebody who is obviously evil." He adds before running home to check for The Third Mother updates: "People like Eli Roth remember the first time they went to see a horror film and how much it shocked them, and they want to replicate that for today's audiences."

I can see this running and running......at least till the 'moral majority' find another scapegoat for societies ills. Surprisingly tho' John Beyer, head of Mediawatch and self appointed moral guardian of Britain has been conspicuous by his absence during this debate. He's no doubt too busy with his good Christian pursuits like outing gay police officers and sending threatening letters to BBC employees after the Jerry Springer Opera contraversy. Probably.

Beyer: Self righteous arse.