who knew?

With news of Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who filling the airwaves (and T'interweb) and with BBC security being so tight I'm surprised that this leaked so early.

Avoid if you hate spoilers.

seperated at birth?

Another in our irregular series of cheap shots at celebs.

gotta catch 'em all.

Finally after years of searching the internet, charity shops and my dads cupboard my Doctor Who collection is complete.

 Obviously I only have these for completist value.

A wee bit like K-9 & Company.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 18).

Beth Willis, executive producer of Doctor Who and sexiest person to work behind the scenes on the show since Eric Saward and his Magneto hair.

I've gone all fanboy.

Sorry.

bonnie.

Perusing my local charity shop again today and I came across (quite literally) this for one measly quid.

Bargain!

As an aside, who knew Bonnie Langford had such a great arse?

smith's crisp.

Big chinned, floppy haired unknown Matt Smith has been named as the actor who will be clawing the key to the TARDIS from David Tennant's still warm hands next year to cries of "Who the fuck is he?" from a concerned viewing public.

Noel Fielding IS The Doctor!
Who'd have thunk it?

Smith, 14, has already built up an impressive CV on stage, on his paper round and the small screen (well that really depends on the size of your telly doesn't it?) including BBC Two's critically acclaimed yet mostly unwatched political drama Party Animals in which he played a parliamentary researcher who wore glasses similar to Tennant's in Doctor Who, the hit comedy The Mighty Boosh and opposite the fish-lipped, Jew baiting ex Doctor Who star Billie Hartnell in the 2006 adaptation of Philip Pullman's The Ruby and the Wax, which starred Billie as Sammy Hagar.

Billie: One day he will come back.

He later reprised his role as Jim's tailor - the dog bodied roadie sidekick to Sir Hank Marvin - in The Shadow's Oop North (2007).

The actor's stage work has included stints selling ice cream at London's Royal Court and in the bar at the National Theatre.

Smith: (Time) lordy lordy!

Born to a family of Romanian travelling minstrels in 1998, Smith originally planned to be either a train driver, astronaut, superhero or a famous footballer, playing for the Leicester City and Nottingham Forest youth academies, a serious injury sustained whilst saving a young mother from a rampaging bull in Bloxwich town centre scuppered his sporting dreams and, after seeing Timmy Mallett in panto as Buttons decided to give 'this acting lark' a shot.

In an exclusive shot from the new series,
Smith is seen battling the dreaded Sontarans.

His work cleaning out the ashtrays at the National Youth Theatre got him both an agent and his first professional job before graduation, appearing in the violently titled Fresh Kills at the Royal Food Court, Ipswich in 2004, before joining the cast of On the Shore of the Wide World for a drink in the theatre bar.

It was here that he demonstrated his unique ability to balance 12 beer mats on his chin, a skill which won him the role of Torchwood in Lennie Bennett's The History Boys.

His West End debut in Swimming With Sharks, opposite ex Supergirl Christian Slater and some sharks (obviously) before appearing alongside the saucy star of Rome Lindsay (mother of Blue Peter presenter Peter) Duncan in That Face of Boe to critical acclaim at London's Duke of York's Theatre.

Slater: Menswear.

Current Doctor and star of Top Gear, sexy Scotsman David Tennant, 27, has said Smith's "life is about to change in so many ways, what with puberty approaching" and Doctor Who Godhead Steven Moffatt, who was kind enough to speak exclusively to me on the phone earlier had this to add.

Duncan: experienced.

"Aye son, we had a wee shuftie thru' loads o' famous actors an' stuff but it made sense to cast wee Matt. I mean that bastard Tennant costs a bomb noo he's famous but wid the new fella bein' under 16 we can pay him what we like....as long as he's got The Beano and a Mars bar he's happy. You ken?"

Moffat and Tennant just before the
Scots superstar was pushed.

"The only problem we've got is with him being a wean we cannae do night shoots on a school night seein' as his mam wants him tucked up in bed before 9. Noo get to fuck before I set aboot ya!"

More news as it comes in but until then, welcome aboard Noel!*







*Be aware that this is a joke and I'm really looking forward to it!

who's next?

Find out the morrow at 17:35, BBC 1.....

happy birthday to who.

Doctor Who.....forty five today.

Nuff said.

the satan pitch.

Greatest Doctor Who based news story of the year?

Could be!

A Trowbridge Christian who renounced the evil of Doctor Who in favour of his newly discovered religious beliefs is selling his entire collection on internet auction website eBay.

But he hasn't sold his story to the paper to drum up extra publicity and more cash.

Obviously.

White: Sad and lonely man.

Balding and pot bellied Simon White, 47, became obsessed (and possibly possessed) by Doctor Who from a very early age and started collecting and building life-size models, finally sharing his home (but hopefully not his bed) with a full-size Dalek, two Cybermen and K-9.

The collection, which Mr White estimates is worth over £8.25, was built up over a number of years but is to be cast aside because of his religious beliefs.

Doctor Who and his materialistic obsession with it represents the "greatest lie that Satan ever told" said Mr White in his annoyingly nasally voice before continuing "I loved it, it was my favourite, I'd spend hours cracking one off over pictures of Sophie Aldred till I realised how silly the idea of a man from he heavens who walks amongst us giving us lessons on life and fighting evil whilst possessing the power to be 'resurrected' upon death was childish. I mean who would believe such stuff?".

Tennant: Satanic baby eater (allegedly).

He excitedly added, rubbing his sweating palms on his grease stained trousers (almost as if he'd hardly experience the company of anything other than his right hand): "I loved science fiction as a kid. It was the TARDIS that did it for me (in a non sexual way I hope). You could get in that box and go anywhere. I started collecting Doctor Who stuff starting with the Dalek, which I got from an old exhibitionist in Brighton whilst me and a 'friend' spent two years making the TARDIS. It was then I discovered that the series had possessed me, the voices started telling me to kill whores and bury the bodies in Cromer. I couldn't stop myself...I made a model of K-9, then a full size Cyberman with authentic parts".

Authentic parts? What? cybernetic implants and the bodies of old tramps?

Sick fuck.

Aldred: pleasures of the palm.

"I had to retire early from my job as a nurse at the Royal United Hospital in Bath because I was caught attempting to graft extra hearts onto the old folk. I turned to drink and constant masturbation before becoming an alcoholic (no doubt to give him something to do with the other hand).

The Doctor Who obsession was the only thing that kept me going.

It was as if it was controlling my thoughts and movements a wee bit like The Ood in that story The Satan Pit.

I couldn't have given it up even if you'd have put a gun to my head."

Or a Dalek plunger up his arse perhaps?

A Dalek prepares to devour some
children's souls yesterday.

Luckily Mr Smith discovered Christianity and has renounced his old life, feeling it more realistic to blindly hate homosexuals and their ilk rather than fictional characters such as the potato headed Sontarans and is putting his whole collection up for sale in local trade magazines and on eBay.

He said: "God delivered me from the evil that is Doctor Who, materialism, masturbation, fisting and alcoholism.

Through my relationship with Jesus I saw that none of this was making me happy and I was born again like Lazarus, or maybe the Master in Utopia.

It's a timely tale as we come up to Easter, the story of Jesus I mean not Earthshock and I wanted to loudly bore others by harping on about how no matter what trouble you are in God can deliver you from the evil.

Can he?
Tell that to the hundreds of innocents dead in the numerous war zones across the planet.

"If you are prepared to have a relationship with him then God can help".

Surely that's a bit like an old man saying "make smoke come out of my magic pipe and I'll give you five pounds"?

Sounds well suspect if you ask me.

The Doctor in the olden days shortly before he
betrayed Jesus, causing him to be
nailed to two planks of wood. Bastard.

"I have been resurrected. My old life is dead, my new life is alive."

Fair enough, now can you fuck off and stop annoying us normal folk with your frankly tragic little life you sad, sad man.

If you are interested in buying the Doctor Who figures (or feel like ripping the piss out of Mr. White because honestly he's fair game) contact the Wiltshire Times & Chippenham News on (01225) 773643 or email their website.

doctor eyes.

Scariest dress up suit ever?

a strange tennant.

Many people have spotted that in my post regarding David Tennant's stalker that I inadvertently used a picture of Richard 'Hamster' Hammond in place of Mr. Tennant.

I now realise that this was ill-advised as many of Mr. Tennant's fan base are now threatening to boycott the blog unless I post some real pics of the man himself (even tho' last time photobucket pulled them for being too 'rude').

So here you go.............

Enjoy!

she loves you.

From that bastion of quality news reporting The Daily Mirror:

Dishy Doctor Who star and Scotsman David Tennant is being stalked by a 'woman' who has moved to Stratford-upon-Avon (so named after Avon from hit Teevee show Blake's Seven), where he’s rehearsing for a new production of Hamlet.

Tennant: Shirt.

The cunning Broton boiler is even renting a flat directly opposite the Courtyard Theatre where David will be 'performing'.

Broton: Boiled.

A man digging the giant moat around Elsinore Castle (only using his paddle like hands) said (to anyone who would listen) :

"Obviously, David gets crowds of fans. But he’s never experienced anything as unsettling as this (what? not even being aged 900 years by The Master or seeing the destruction of Gallifrey?).

“She has been hassling cast members of the production. And she’s told them that she’s left her husband for David.

Darrow: Massive Cock.

“She regularly leaves pencil drawings for him of them being 'friendly' in the TARDIS" (I'm not sure if she draws the pictures of them in the TARDIS together or actually leaves them inside the police box....if so the most worrying question is how the fuck did she get in...it's meant to have an isomorphic lock!).

Rude: Drawing.

“And she writes bizarre sci-fi versions of Hamlet, featuring herself as Ophelia and David as a futuristic Hamlet. She insists that both the Doctor and Hamlet are aliens in a hostile universe, who are terrified of being alone.

But she will save him by being his Rose, Ophelia or at a push Harry Sullivan.

“Sadly, the only thing she and Ophelia have in common is breasts, ginger hair and their madness. And David is afraid, very afraid.....unlike when he faced down both The Cybermen and The Daleks in Doomsday, because he was only acting then.”


The weirdo left her husband before the confetti had even settled when she discovered David had split with Lady Penelope Creighton Ward, 27.

Lady Penelope: FAB.

The 36-year-old star has mixed feelings about this – one of those being abject horror, as the stalker has bought front row tickets for the production every weekend until it finishes in November.

Auntie Jean: Mental.

The man added: “It’s a bit unnerving. But he won’t be able to spot her in the audience because he doesn’t know what she looks like.”

All I can say is "Auntie Jean....stop it right now".

hartnell's hundred.

Time to celebrate today as it's exactly 100 years since William Hartnell, the first incarnation of everybodies fave teevee Time Lord was born.

For the many of fans who were children in the '60s, he remains the one, true Doctor (Colin Baker often refers to him as 'the guvnor), crotchety, bad tempered and at times callous but with a heart of gold and an almost childlike sense charm and adventure he was like no other hero on television.

coming from a difficult family background about which he was later very secretive, Billy held down a succession of short-term odd jobs before turning to acting in the late 1920s, where he enjoyed success in Rep and later in a succession of British movies.

Although originally seen as a comedy actor, it was his appearance as the sergeant in the 1940's propaganda short The Way Ahead that helped him develop his reputation for the no nonsense tough-guy roles for which he was most well known.

His career (and reputation) grew with appearances in such classics as Brighton Rock, as the eponymous sergeant in the first of the Carry Ons; Carry On Sergeant and in Lindsey Anderson's film version of This Sporting Life.

Previously unseen pics (no really) of
Billy on the set of This Sporting Life.

It was this role that led Verity Lambert to offer him the part of the Doctor and, although Hartnell was initially wary of taking on the role , he was eventually won over by Lambert and director Waris Hussein.

The rest, as they say, is television history.

Although ill health (and internal BBC politics) forced him to relinquish the part he loved in 1966, he remained incredibly fond of the series and in 1972 he filmed what would become his final performance for the tenth anniversary special The Three Doctors, which aired between December 30, 1972 and January 20, 1973.

He died on April 23, 1975, aged 67.

any excuse....

....for a few piccies of Freema Agyeman, here after winning the “Best Newcomer” at the 2007 Glamour Women Of The Year Awards and in the July issue of Glamour Magazine looking scrumptious.

Meow!


Purrrr!


Ding dong!


Swoon.

Pics courtesy of freemaagyeman.com

panto-loons.

Press release just intercepted (and annotated) from the Theatre Royal Newcastle:

The North's favourite panto with 3D bogglevision!

Get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!

Don’t miss our funniest and most spectacular pantomime ever! Featuring sensational special effects, you'll be amazed at some of the most stunning 3D sequences ever created for pantomime, including an incredible Genie! You'll even be able to touch his magic lamp (oooeerrr) as it floats before your eyes in 3D vision!

Webb & Adams:
On the register.

The North East’s favourite (only?) panto stars, Clive Webb and Danny Adams, return to create more mayhem and more mess with their 'hysterical' routines, including another very messy slapstick scene (think Last Tango in Paris, but with two guys)... and watch out for Danny flying on the most amazing flying carpet you'll ever see with the help of a stolen Methadone prescription!

Conway: face like a Cod.

Fish lipped (and breathed) Ayr midfielder Craig Conway returns as the villainous Abanazar and the skinny blonde one from Steps that your uncle fancied, Faye Tozer joins in the fun as the magical spirit Scherazade. And making their first ever appearance in pantomime (did they not watch the show in the 80's?), The Daleks, from TV’s Doctor Who, threaten to exterminate Aladdin’s plans (not Aladdin mind, just his plans) to marry Princess Jasmine and live happily ever after…

Tozer: Spunk bucket.

Aladdin is once again written and directed by Michael Harrison who was responsible for our previous smash hit panto productions of Sinderella, Junior Entertaining Mr. Sloane, Witchfinder General and Jack and the Beanstalk. With an extra week added due to popular demand and tickets selling faster than ever before, be sure to book your seats TODAY for the North East’s favourite (although they've not seen it yet) pantomime!

Flyer: dubious quality.

Daleks in panto?!!?....what can the Nation estate do next to ruin their image as evil alien dictators next? advertising Kit-Kats, appearing in a movie with the Looney Tunes characters or spunking over each other shouting "White weewee!" in a camp voice?

Oh yeah, they've already done that.