the power of voodoo

Very weird to be penning something (semi) serious on here but heyho, nice to keep you on your toes.

I felt that David Bowie's passing deserved at least a mention but what can I say about ‪Bowie‬ that hasn't already been said by people so much more eloquent than myself....except maybe THANK YOU for making growing up for those of us who've ever felt a wee bit different or alone much more bearable.

Here as a wee tribute is my overview of Labyrinth which is quite possibly one of THE greatest movies of all time.
Fact.
Oh and it's one of the very few films I've taken a girl to see where I haven't been dumped immediately afterwards.
Which has happened far more often than I care to remember. 
Originally published in the first issue of Multitude of Movies magazine (go now and buy back issues, I'll still be here when you get back), last year sit back and enjoy probably the only thing I'll ever write that isn't full of childish innuendo and an abundance of 'mooth shite-in' references.
Change is as good as a rest I guess.
Oh and as an added bonus there's a prize for anyone who can list all the Bowie references scattered throughout.


Labyrinth (1986).
Dir: Jim Henson.
Cast: David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly, some Goblins, a wee baby and Ludo as himself.

1986 was a fantastic year to be a young film fan, sixteen years old and preparing for life in the big bad world (well art school at least) and a myriad of classic releases taking in everything from sci-fi sequels (Aliens) to horror redux (The Fly) via Hannibal Lecter's first big screen appearance to help ease any concerns or worries.
Yup, definitely a year with something for everyone.

There was one movie that year though that seemed somewhat out of place and time, an odd mix of children’s musical fantasy and (PG friendly, thankfully) coming of age sexual symbolism usually found in the works of Angela Carter (whose Company of Wolves had made it to the screen two years earlier).

A movie that scarily dared to mix not only one of the worlds most celebrated musicians, arguably at the height of his success and armed with the most terrifying codpiece in the history of cinema with a shed load of friendly-faced Jim Henson creations but have the audacity to cement the whole thing together with a story by TV funster Terry Jones who at this point appeared to be more interested in channelling Maurice Sendak than Monty Python.

To call it a risky venture would seem a fair appraisal but in the days when creativity ruled over accountancy and imagination was king it comes as no surprise that not only did the movie get made but that, with hindsight, it's widely regarded as a classic of it's kind.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

Labyrinth.

And for those sad, lonely few not familiar with plot...

The totally self absorbed but utterly gorgeous Sarah (Jennifer Connelly, fresh from befriending bugs in Dario Argento's Phenomena) is spending a lazy afternoon, as she does day in and day out, reciting lines from her favourite book – also named 'Labyrinth', spooky eh? – to her pet pooch in the park blissfully unaware that it's nearly seven o' clock and time for her to return to humdrum normality and babysit her scarily big headed brother Toby whilst her cuddly dad and harsh faced stepmum (isn't it always the way?) head out for a night on the town.

Arriving home wet, dishevelled and late alongside a mud covered mutt it's not too surprising that Sarah and her stepmum get into a blazing row regarding responsibilities, acceptable waistcoat fa..fa..fashions and babysitting resulting in our heroine, who being immune to her elders consultations, storming off to her room as the adults flounce off to the bingo or whatever it is that eighties parents did on night outs with a thinly veiled threat of some ch...ch...changes being made on their return.

Sprawled across her bed with a face of fizz and a head full of teen angst Sarah dares to imagine how her life could get any worse before realising that it already has.

Brace yourselves dear reader because her favourite teddy bear, Lancelot, has gone missing from her room.

Stomping around the house in a manner usually reserved for club footed drunks and soon-to-be superstars, Sarah soon finds her furry friend in Toby's room and cries out in anger at her tiny step-sibling which, in turn causes Toby to start crying loudly whilst evacuating all the snot from his tiny body.

Luckily Sarah is an old hand at babysitting and decides to use the oldest trick in the book to calm the troubled tot.

You know the one I mean, it's when you stiffly (and loudly) make up a story where a besotted Goblin King falls in love with a beautiful china (skinned) girl whose annoying brat of a brother mysteriously vanishes leaving the girl to enjoy her bear obsession in peace.

It may come as a surprise then to discover that this is exactly what happens because bizarrely enough the owl silhouetted in the serious moonlight on Sarah's window ledge is, in fact, Jareth, the flamboyant King of the Goblins who in an attempt to win Sarah's hand (and probably the rest of her too) has actually granted her wish.

Realising that this possibly wont go down to well with her folks Sarah begs for him to return Toby but Jareth, being a tricky Goblin kind of guy and literal lad insane instead transports them both to the ominous Labyrinth (see what they did there?) where he promises Sarah that in order to see Toby again she must not only solve his diabolically complex conundrums but also do battle with various scary monsters (and sundry super creeps) whilst making it to his castle within thirteen hours.

And if she doesn't?

Then tiny Toby will be transformed into a goblin.

Forever.

Sarah, ignoring the fact that she's under pressure, tries to reason with Jareth but soon comes to realise that it's as useful as putting out fire with gasoline so decides to take the challenge.

But will our heroine succeed in her quest?

Go on, take a guess.

After building a successful working relationship during the production of the fantasy adventure The Dark Crystal, Muppet guru Jim Henson and acclaimed fantasy illustrator Brian Froud began work on concepts and ideas for a second film together after a discussion in the back of a limousine on the way back from a screening of the aforementioned movie, bringing in children's author Dennis Lee to pen a storyline that could be used not only as the basis for the script but also as a tie-in novella.

With this treatment completed in late '83 Henson (on his daughters recommendation) hired ex-Monty Python prankster Terry Jones to pen the first draft of the film's script.

Reportedly Jones “didn't get along” with Lees poetic – and unfinished – piece and returned to Froud for inspiration, not only to his artwork but also to the artists almost frightening knowledge of goblin law and legend, particularly their penchant for stealing babies.

Drawing heavily on these illustrations as well as the recently published Maurice Sendak book Outside Over There for inspiration (the film actually acknowledges Sendak in the closing titles) Jones' much darker script passed through various other writers hands, including those of executive producer George Lucas and Henson stalwart Elaine May, with at least twenty five versions being written before production began in 1985 although Jones receives solo screenplay credit.

Apart from the tonal shift from Jones' original story the biggest change came with the casting of David Bowie. Mysterious and unseen in the original drafts and planned to be realised in puppet form, Jareth The Goblin King now took centre stage.

In Henson's mind Bowie was the perfect representation of “the sexuality, danger and the disturbing aspects of the adult world” whilst in return the singer saw Labyrinth as the perfect chance to return to the music-writing aspect of films and after his work on The Hunger, Cat People and Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence was delighted to be involved in a project aimed at children “of all ages.”

With a team comprising of puppeteers ranging from veteran performers Frank Oz, Dave Goelz and members of the Fraggle Rock and Sesame Street team to newcomers poached from TV's Spitting Image alongside a myriad of circus performers, acrobats alongside soon to be stars such as Danny John Jules and Warwick Davis, Labyrinth began shooting at Elstree Studios in April 1985 and took five months to complete which, when you realise that the majority of effects were achieved 'in camera' seems a remarkably short amount of time given the films scope and scale.

In fact it still holds the world record for the largest panoramic back-cloth ever constructed for a film as well as being the first motion picture to feature a fully realised CGI animal in the owl from the films title sequence.

Which is slightly bizarre yet strangely in keeping with the feel of the movie.

Editing duties were shared between John Grover (credited), Henson and Lucas with the director hoping the collaboration would achieve the right balance between his own 'softly softly' approach and Lucas' 'faster, more intense' school of film-making.

No doubt poor Grover was sent out to fetch the coffee.

With a score by South African born synth wizard Trevor Jones, whose career in film began with the John Boorman take on the Arthurian Legend Excalibur and with whom Henson had previously worked on The Dark Crystal complemented by five new songs from Bowie hopes were high for the films success with the production being featured everywhere from The New York Times to the late lamented Starlog via Billboard Magazine with emphasis being given not only to the films massive scale and non-human cast but also to David Bowie's return to the screen.

Add to that a budget of $25 million and the pulling power of Henson, Lucas and Dame David things were looking rosy for Labyrinth and the film opened in North America on 27th June 1986 followed by a staggered worldwide release (remember them?) culminating with a prestigious royal première on 1st December 1986 with the Prince and Princess of Wales in attendance.

Unfortunately critical reaction was mixed, with praise being heaped on Henson's imagination and the films bold visual style whilst bemoaning its lack of originality in its plotting.

Bizarrest of all though must be Gene Siskel's review in the Chicago Tribune which accused the film of being visually ugly and overtly violent with the baby in peril plot being an “unforgivably sleazy gimmick.”

Which is nice.

Only managing to claw back half of its budget during its U.S theatrical run, Labyrinth's commercial failure of the film demoralized Henson to the extent that he never directed another movie, which must rank alongside Ken Russell's inability to secure funding and Michael Powell's ostracising after Peeping Tom as one of cinemas great crimes.

Well that and the success of The Babadook obviously.

The golden years of Henson's imagination fuelled fantasies were over.

And the world would be a darker place because of that.

But just as Sarah managed to find her way through the films Labyrinth so the viewing public finally discovered this hidden gem, thanks in part to it's availability on home video (big oblong plastic things that used to house movies in the dark old days – ask your mum or dad) and, in the early 90's through it's screenings on the newly created Disney Channel. Even the critical response to the film had softened somewhat since its initial release with even the formerly frumpy Chicago Tribune calling it “...a real masterpiece of puppetry and special effects, an absolutely gorgeous children's fantasy movie."

And thanks to child friendly cinema shows and its original audience becoming parents themselves Labyrinth is now more accessible than The Dark Crystal, with each new generation it's audience grows as more and more children fall under Jareth's spell. Only recently I had the pleasure of experiencing the film on the big screen with my own children who, alongside both parents and podlings in attendance were spellbound for the entire running time, almost hypnotised by the events on screen.

Except during 'Magic Dance' obviously when they all went batshit, dancing in the aisles and chucking their younger siblings around like sacks of spuds.

The biggest measure of it's new found success though must be The Labyrinth of Jareth Masquerade Ball, held every year in Los Angeles since 1997. An event which has grown from merely celebrating the movie to an art event in it's own right, featuring as it does circus performers, a myriad of entertainers and art over a two day period.

Jareth himself would be proud.

But what of the future for The Goblin King, dear Sarah and Toby?

What of their lives after Labyrinth?

Unfortunately for those wanting more a mooted Neil Gaiman/Dave McKean sequel was dropped at the discussion stage, mutating as it did into MirrorMask (taking with it ideas for a Dark Crystal prequel on the way) partly due to Lucasfilm co-owning the rights to the movie and George not needing the cash but probably more likely to do with the fact that he was annoyed that no-one had asked for a Willow sequel.

Probably.

As luck would have it a sequel did appear in 2006 when Tokyopop, the American distributor and publisher of all things anime and manga (amongst other things) released a four-volume comic series Return to Labyrinth to much fan praise but mostly critical apathy.

The more things change eh?

Written by journalist Jake T. Forbes and illustrated by Chris Lie, Return takes place around thirteen years after the events of the movie and this time centres around a teenage Toby and his bond with The Goblin King.

Unfortunately whilst its premise may be sound it suffers somewhat from an overuse of pop culture references (everything from The Wizard of Oz to Star Wars via Star Trek: Voyager) which only works to date the piece and alienate the non geek readership in a way the source material didn't, which is a shame as the plot, as cliched as it may seem improves with each volume and brings the story arc full circle adding closure to Sarah and Toby's relationship.

And beyond that?

Who knows though with modern cinemas almost undead attraction to devouring it's past don't be too surprised if a remake is announced over the next few years with a post rehab Justin Bieber as Jareth alongside a hideously expensive fully CGI realised cast of creatures.

God what a depressing thought.

I should really cheer myself up....now where's that baby I'm meant to be watching?

frightening things.

 

It's that time of year again when hundreds of horror 'enthusiasts' (plus the usual half dozen sweaty, high waisted folk who live at home with their disabled mums - who, by the way will never die!) descend on my fair city ready to soak the streets (and seats) with the unmistakable smell of sweat, shame, semen and tears for a celebration of all things fright and gory-full.

Which can only mean that our lovely pals at Frightfest have announced the line-up for sunny Glasgow.

And what a line-up it is!
   
Kicking off with the by now traditional Thursday night pre-fest film (especially for all you soft southern shites who are too feart to go to the pub) THE FOREST, this year promises a record thirteen films, a selection of unmissable (probably) shorts, guests, give-aways, a sneaky peek at Paul Hyett’s HERETIKS and a chance to buy me a drink to show me how much you like the t-shirt design this year.


Well, it's worth a punt.

Excited?


You should be.


So, as Jennifer Anniston used to say "Pay heed to my words for here is the science!"

Which means here's a list of the films on show.

First up (at 9pm on Thurs 25 Feb fact fans) is the UK Première of the aforementioned THE FOREST starring Game of Thrones smirking sexpot Natalie Dormer as a young American woman, Sara, who is desperately searching for her twin sister in and around Japan’s most haunted location, the spookily monikered (yet amazingly high Scrabble scoring) Aokigahara Forest.

"Put it in me!"

For those of you who don't know the famous forest, which is just below the northwest base of Mount Fuji and across the road from the big Aldi superstore has always been linked to the Japanese belief in the paranormal, especially those legends pertaining to the 'ubasute' (ghosts of old women abandoned by their families - a bit like your mum) and the 'yurei' (those of lonely suicide victims).

But what, I hear you cry do these supernatural spooks have to do with the Sara's sisters disappearance?

Expect bumps, bangs and the best tree-based horror since The Evil Bod.

Which has been turned down again by the organisers for being just too crap.

Oh well, there are plenty of DVD's still available for anyone who's interested.

Evil Bod...Not as shite as the remake and only a fiver to buy. Bargain.

Anyway on to Friday’s first fright and another UK Première, this time it's the tongue tripping THE HEXECUTIONERS, director (and sometime holiday specialist) Jesse Thomas Cook’s trouser-soiling story of state sanctioned euthanasia where the young and inexperienced Malison (Liv Collins, daughter of drummer Phil and ex-Eastender Michelle) alongside seasoned suicide specialist Olivia (Sarah Power) are sent to the remote estate of the mysterious Milos Somborac, whose deathbed wish is to die via the Tibetan death ritual known as the Yotar Sky Burial.

Which sounds fairly legit if I'm honest.

Sexy redhead in sensible knitwear?....Check! That'll be the best movie of the weekend sorted.

Soon tho' the real reason as to why this arcane method has been chosen becomes clear as the death-dealing duo find themselves fighting a whole host of scary spirits whilst attempting to look good in a variety of sensible knitwear.

How can you possibly follow that? I hear you cry.

Easy, is the answer, with the UK Première of Sonny Mallhi’s ANGUISH, which has been described as the creepiest and most resonant American independent horror since It Follows.

Blue is the warmest colour.

Which is a shame really but to be honest there's no way it could be as arse-numbingly awful as that so I'm actually quite looking forward to it especially as the main character is a troubled teen with a dissociative identity disorder which makes her susceptible to seeing dead people.

Which is nice.

A quick fag and toilet break may be in order before the next film wish is the much-anticipated (it says in the press release and who am I to argue?) World Première of Stephen King adaptation CELL starring John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, everyones favourite freaky foster kid Isabelle Fuhrman and - wait for it - STACY FUCKING KEACH!

 

Stacy Fucking Keach.

When a powerful signal is broadcast across the worlds mobile phone networks worldwide, every user’s mind is dangerously re-programmed turning them all into crazed killers.

Think that woman who plays Candy Crush on the train opposite you every morning but with better teeth.

As civilization crumbles and the bloodthirsty ‘phoners’ attack anything that moves it's left to artist - how cool is that? you hardly ever get artists as the hero, I love it already - Clay Riddell (Cusack), a man desperately searching for his wife and son alongside a ragtag group of survivors - including Tom McCourt (Jackson) to battle against the high as a kite horde whilst looking for the mysterious 'Raggedy Man’, a man (who is raggedy) who may just have the answers to what the hell is happening.

Phew.

Next up is the Scanners-tastic THE MIND’S EYE, directed by Joe (Almost Human) Begos.

Set in snowy 1990 New England, this big smoochy lip-smacking tribute to David Cronenberg (when he was good) and Brian De Palma tells the story of telekinetic fugitive Zack Connors (Begos regular Graham Skipper), a man who can move and destroy objects with his mind.

And probably undo ladies bra's but I'm not sure.

The Mind's Eye...Just not this one.

Picked up by the authorities our hero is sent to a research institute run by the diabolical Doctor Slovak who, despite promising that he’ll reunite Zack with his girlfriend Rachel (The Woman's Lauren Ashley Carter) is in reality using his patients to create a synthetic mind-control serum for his own power-crazed use.

As you would too if you're honest with yourself.

Rounding off (as opposed to polishing off) Friday is the European première of Tyler MacIntyre’s love letter to Frank Henenlotter, PATCHWORK.

"Scabs roon' mah mooth!"

More lie back and bitch than Lilo and Stitch, this sexy spin on Mary Shelley mixes gore and guffaws to comic (horror) effect as three young women - queen bitch Jennifer (Tory Stolper), airhead Ellie (Tracey Fairaway - so close) and button-nosed weirdling Madeleine (Maria Blasucci) wake up after a night out to find themselves not only in a strange laboratory but also hastily stitched together in one body.

Discovering that they share thoughts as well as arms and legs (but not alas three arses) will the women manage to co-operate long enough to not only make their escape but extract shevenge on the mad scientist responsible for their condition?


You'll just have to wait and see.

Or at the very least wait till someone else has seen it and ask them.

There's time for a tearful wank and a Pot Noodle in your crummy, lice infested hotel room (you'll not sleep, the couple next door will see to that) before Saturday's programme burst into action with the Scottish Première of Roar Uthaug’s water-based disaster epic THE WAVE.

Norway's biggest hit of last year - and a Scandinavian smash to boot - The Wave finds bearded geology bloke Kristian working at an early warning centre in the small town of Geiranger keeping an eye out for rockslides, lost sheep and the like.

Here come The Belgians!

Unfortunately the calm and quiet is soon shattered when the a fjord called Geiranger (bless you) breaks (you can tell that geology was my strong point at school) creating an 85 metre high tsunami.

Expect damp seats, woolly jumpers and children in peril.

Next up is a slice of pie that is the portmanteau horror SOUTHBOUND, five interlocking tales of terror from the makers of (gulp) V/H/S that follow the fates of a group of travellers over one long night on a desolate stretch of desert highway.

Southbound....and we all know what that means.

Promising supernatural horrors haunting a pair of blood bathed blokes, an all-girl band discovering the true meaning of family values, a home invasion and a botched rescue mission, Southbound should have something for everyone.

Everything that is except arse-kicking martial arts action possibly but fear not because it's followed by the high-kicking Hong Kong hit SPL2: A TIME FOR CONSEQUENCES.

Less Strictly Come Dancing more violently come on my face.

Director Soi Cheang's tale of Thailand’s criminal underworld sees undercover Hong Kong cop Kit isent to a terrifying Thai prison after his cover is blown during a botched operation where or bowl-haired hero discovers that the jail is really a cover for an organ trafficking ring run by a group of sweaty bad men.

Luckily there's one honest guard in the prison (and he's played by Tony Jaa - how lucky is that?) setting the scene for an top-tier, turbo-charged excuse to watch grown men kicking seven shades of shite out of each other in a variety of ever more amazing ways.



There's just enough time for a quick wee before director Johannes Roberts presents the European première of his spooktacular shocker THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.

Distraught after losing (as in he died, not in a McCann way) her son, India-based antiques dealer Maria (Walking Dead's Sarah Wayne Callies) discovers a dark rite (there's always one) that will let her to say goodbye to her dead child and hopefully find closure.

Unbeknownst to her husband Michael, she travels to a remote temple (tho' probably not by public transport) where the it is said that the barriers ’twixt the world of the living and the dead is at it's thinnest.

Being a girl tho' Maria messes up the ritual allowing the spirit of the evil goddess Myrtu to enter our realm and roam the earth once more.

Now Maria must protect her daughter Lucy from this netherworld nasty whilst trying to explain all this to my nan.

Ramping up the gore factor by 73.6% is Can Evrenol’s (Can Evrenol what I hear you ask....who knows?) Turkish delight that is BASKIN. 

"I think I'll have strawberry milkshake!"

 Packed to the rafters with bizzaro chills, an atmosphere you can cut with a knife and lashing of perviness, Evrenol’s mental mix of everything from Coffin Joe to H.P. Lovecraft and HP Sauce possibly (via Argento and Barker - Clive not Ronnie) promises a terrifyingly taunt tour-de-force of ultra-violence and extreme horror that sees an unfortunate police squad stumble upon a Black Mass being performed by a nightmare cabal of subhuman cannibalistic freaks with a thing for imaginative blood ceremonies. 

And frogs.

Jack the lad need not apply.

A wee history lesson now as we travel back to 2008 and Pascal Laugiers  MARTYRS, controversial on release it's best known for having a top plot, a great beginning, shocking middle and incredibly satisfying ending.

Unfortunately Laugiers decided to stick another ending on top of that which turned a nice little religious shocker into a tediously overblown 'O' level dissertation into the existence (or not) of God that managed to piss any goodwill or enjoyment you may have had up the wall.

Now our American cousins come to the rescue (in much the same way they did in WW II) with the UK première of the highly anticipated remake.

Directing siblings Kevin and Michael Goetz have promised a bold reimagining of the source material rather than a slavish remake so this might be worth a look.


Or then again, it might be rubbish.

Two Martyrs yesterday (that probably only works if you say it out loud).

Either way there wont be much time to argue about it as this year’s (Henry) cavalcade of carnage climaxes with a bloody big bang of heavy metal fuelled murder and mayhem with the UK première of Sean (The Loved Ones) Byrne’s THE DEVIL’S CANDY, which by all accounts is meant to be rather good.

Rather rubbish artist (is there a theme this year?) Jesse Hellman (Ethan Embry) alongside his wife Astrid (Ex-All Saint Shiri Appleby) and metal-head daughter Zooey (Kiara - I belong to - Glasco) moves to a house in Texas, unfortunately (for them that is) the house has a violent past.

 

Owen Wilson - The pikey years.

 By that I'm assuming that bad things happened in it and not that the actual house itself got up off its foundations and ran amok, tho' that would be worth seeing

It's not long before his paintings start taking on a darkly disturbing turn when a drifter called Ray turns up on their doorstep wanting to move back into where his parents tragically died.

Nope, sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

And if that list of frankly magnificent movie mayhem isn't enough to tempt you then frankly you're beyond help.

Tho' I'll forgive you if you buy a T-shirt.

FrightFest Glasgow runs from 26th and 27th February and tickets are available here.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 53).

Munchier than Mel Gibson and bonnier than Bruce Spence, let's celebrate the much missed Arkie Whiteley, Mad Max 2 mega babe and star of the seminal killer pig movie Razorback.

late night linus.

As you may have spotted there's been a slight delay in reviewing the rest of Frightfest due to the high quality of the films on show meaning it's much harder to take the piss.

So without further ado on with the show...

Barely recovered from the surprisingly super vinyl villainy of The Asylum (or Backmask or whatever it's called this week) Saturday mornings FrightFest fun kicked off with a classic killer clown caper in the form of  Jon Watts’....

Clown (2014).
Dir: Jon Watts (obviously).
Cast: Laura Allen, Andy Powers, Peter Stormare, Elizabeth Whitmere and Christian Distefano.

Loveable real estate agent and cuddly family guy Kent Clark (the instantly likeable Powers) ends up donning a clown costume he's found in a house he's selling after the entertainer he's booked for his son’s birthday party cancels at the last minute.

Yup, sounds legit.

Unfortunately the next morning our doting dad realises that the suit has started to attach itself to his body, even down to the foam red nose.

And if that wasn't strange enough our eponymous hero has started feeling very hungry.

For children.

And not I might add in a Savile way.

Tho' that's probably as bad.

The situation does have a wee bit of a silver lining tho' as Kent manages to track down the costumes previous owner, a man named Karlsson (cult fave Stormare) only to discover that he too had suffered the same terrible effects after wearing it.

You see, it turns out that the clown suit is, in reality the skin and hair of an ancient kiddie eating demon from Northern Europe named the "Cloyne", which is nice.

As a plus point tho' Kent also finds a way to stop the demon and regain his life.

And that's by sacrificing five children to it.

Much fun, gruesome child killings and clown-based hilarity ensues.

"Time to shoot your demon muck over your sisters jubblies!"

Actually living up to it's pre-screening hype, Watts' big screen movie debut is a surprisingly muted and almost camp free affair that brings to mind David Cronenberg's The Fly - as well as the Jim Carrey crapfest The Mask - in and it's painful portrayal of body transmogrification.

At least before the plot zooms off on a darkly comic kid-killing rampage which frankly is just the ticket for a Saturday morning.

A fantastic cast - special kudos to the wonderful Andy Powers - play the whole thing perfectly straight and to great effect with only Peter Stormare edging toward the camp corner, which after the uncomfortable winces at Kent's attempts to remove the costume and a couple of near child chewings manages to give some blessed relief from the movies disturbingly black heart.

Admittedly there's a real danger of it losing its way as the film races toward its bloody climax but luckily Watts and co-writer Christopher Ford manage to pull it back whilst delivering a surprisingly bleak ending.

Dead funny. 

No time to get our breaths back (but luckily time to pee) as the great god of cinema himself Sir Alan of Jones took to the stage to introduce  Arrow Films’ magnificent restoration of Mario Bava’s classic....


Blood and Black Lace (AKA Sei donne per l'assassino, Six Women for the Murderer. 1964)
Dir: Mario Bava.
Cast: Cameron Mitchell, Eva Bartok, Thomas Reiner and Ariana Gorini.

If you haven't already seen this then I suggest you hang your head in shame, then go straight out, buy it, watch it then come back when you've finished.

I'll still be here.

I mean who doesn't love the maestro's groovy fashion-based slasher centring  as it does around a group of chain-smoking models being pick off one by one by a fright-masked, leather-gloved killer?

Absolutely fucking gorgeous to look at and packed to the gills with the biggest collection of preening beauties, dippy designers and antsy addicts alongside quite possibly the greatest quiff ever seen on a police detective and all set to one of the coolest soundtracks ever written.

Cinematic perfection.

Coffee, cakes and a quick cigarette next as we prepared to head back into the Black Hills of Maryland with Russ Gomm’s documentary that goes behind the scenes of The Blair Witch Project.

The Woods Movie (2014).
Dir: Russ Gomm.
Cast: Eduardo Sánchez, Dan Myrick, Gregg Hale and some other folk.

With access to over 3 million years worth of footage recorded at the time, Gomm lovingly documents Blair Witch’s origins, planning and production, tracing the story from its very beginnings via audition tapes, do it yourself set decoration and spooking its lead actors in the woods to taking over the world at Sundance with asides and comments from  directors Sánchez and Myrick alongside producer Hale in what can only be described as not only the final word on a cinematic phenomena but also on the world of micro-budget, lo-fi film-making in general.

Those expecting a critique of the movie and it's subsequent changing of the horror landscape will probably be disappointed by Gomm's love letter a film which so obviously shaped his career and tastes but to be honest The Woods Movie is much better for it and remains a reminds us why we all took the movie to our hearts.

Recommended to anyone and everyone who's ever been tempted or attempted to make a movie.

From putting the willies up students in a forest to putting them up kids in cupboards next with Hans Herbot’s adaptation of Mo Hayder’s darkly disturbing crime novel...

The Treatment (AKA De Behandeling. 2014).
Dir: Hans Herbot.
Cast:  Geert Van Rampelberg, Ina Geerts and Johan van Assche.

The Treatment tells the tragic tale of Detective - on the verge of a nervous breakdown - Nick Cafmeyer, a man whose career and life have been haunted by the abduction of his younger brother by a pervy paedophile when they were kids.

A paedophile who, due to a technicality got away scott free and now spends his time harassing poor Nick with notes pertaining to tell the true fate of his sibling and by standing in his garden waving at him in a creepy manner.

Seriously you can smell the warm milk off the man thru' the screen.  

The whole sorry situation comes to a head tho' when reports come in of a family being held hostage and brutalized whilst their child is abducted in circumstances that mirror his own trauma.

Determined to catch those involved whilst laying his own demons to rest Nick is forced to relive his own nightmares and fears as he attempts to solve the case.

The Cannon and Ball starring Boys in Blue it isn't.

What it is tho' is one of the most powerful and disturbing crime thrillers in recent memory.

The subject matter is sensitively handled by Herbot, tho' he's a director not afraid to shy away from the grim and grimy horror inflicted on the films young victims and by proxy the lead character - a kind of Dutch Lieutenant subtly portrayed by Geert Van Rampelberg, The Treatment is a bleakly stylish thriller that handles it's themes of child trafficking and abuse in a surprisingly - and welcome - mature manner.

The films biggest shock tho' comes when the director explains how this (British) based novel couldn't get funded in the UK due to it's subject manner which just goes to show what a sorry state the UK film industry is in.

Hopefully a DVD release will be imminent for this must see shocker.

Just don't expect to get laid afterwards.

Time for a cigarette (or six) and a quick bleaching of the eyeballs next before the final(?) chapter in the frankly magnificent [REC] series.

And I'll admit upfront that I do indeed love [REC] 3 (yes it's my favourite one, deal with it) as well as going all wobbly kneed at the sight of the yumsome Manuela Velasco, so it was a forgone conclusion that I'd love this.

Demon-possessed monkeys and all.

[REC] 4: Apocalypse (2013).
Dir: Jaume Balagueró.
Cast: Manuela Velasco, Paco Manzanedo, Hector Colome, Ismael Fritschi and Mariano Venancio.



Following on directly after the climax of [REC] 2 (the third part actually comes first then runs parallel with the original [REC] continuity pedants) with ace TV reporter turned demon fighter Ángela Vidal (Velasco, meow. Twice) being rescued from the infected apartment block by a couple of hunky special forces types before waking up - clad only in a paper tea towel - on a government commandeered merchant navy ship in the middle of the ocean.

With only the most ineffectual group of sailors this side of Captain Pugwash,   Clara's mother-in-law (from [REC] 3), some trigger happy soldiers, assorted boffins and the Spanish Nick Frost (La isla de los nominados' Fritschi) for company our beloved heroine must face down a rapidly growing army of demons and a hold full of killer monkeys before the ships self destruct is triggered.

Fast, furious and incredibly silly, [REC] 4 might not break any new ground or be as genuinely terrifying as the first movie but fell for it hook, line and sinker and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The most fun to be had with the possessed since Army of Darkness, hate it and be a crushing horror snob forever.

And on to the final film of the Fest of Fright, Jay Dahl’s mysterious reworking of his short of the same name....


There Are Monsters (2014).
Dir: Jay Dahl.
Cast: Matthew Amyotte, Jason Daley, Kristin Langille and Michael Ray (not Jay) Fox.

Whilst travelling across country gathering testimonials from successful former graduates of their college, four film student pals begin to notice that people around them are acting strangely.

Firstly in subtle ways, clothes on inside out and badly applied lipstick become more and more noticable to the foursome as do the fact that more and more people are standing perfectly still in the distance with their backs turned toward our travelling band.

And then there are those whose smiles are just way too large...

From it's genuinely jumpy pre-credits sequence to it's pulse pounding finale, Dahl's film definitely split the crowd into those who happily leaped headfirst into the directors headfuck nightmare and those too terminally staid to see past it's faux-found footage feel and extremely choppy editing style.

Like JT Petty's cult classic the sublime Soft for Digging, There are Monsters is the type of movie perfect for audience interpretation.

I mean of course it's a monster movie in the classic Invasion of The Body Snatchers vein but it also works as a story about delusional misidentification (or Capgras syndrome) writ large, or about how those with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) are viewed by/or view the world.

It's totally up to you.

One criticism aimed at the film has been its sometimes disorienting camera work with it's off focus scenes and covered lens conversations, which if taken as a result of the footage belonging to the students can be seen as a genuine concern.

I mean they're film students, surely they know how to frame a shot?

But if you assume that the footage is actually from the point of view of the movie-goer, making them an actual character in the film then it makes perfect sense.

The camera literally transforms into our eyes and ears, reacting as we would under stress, hiding our eyes, turning away, trying to block out the unpleasantness unfolding around us.

We are the camera and the camera is us, ironically in a film about change and deception and the importance of individuality it's us, the audience who transform first.

We become the film we are watching.

And in this disposable culture it's ironic that we become a digital medium rather than good old celluloid.

There Are Monsters is one of the few horror films that stayed with me for days after and, if you let it, will do the same to you.

And I for one can't thank Jay Dahl enough.

Long live the new flesh.

thought of the day.

For those of you that missed it.

Excellent.

Can we carry on now?

fright!

Yep!

It's that time of year again when hundreds of horror geeks plus half dozen sweaty, high waisted folk who live at home with their disabled mums (who will never die!) descend on my fair city ready to soak the streets (and seats) with the unmistakable smell of sweat, shame, semen and tears.

Which can only mean that our lovely pals at Frightfest have announced the line-up for sunny Glasgow.

And it looks a good un!

So without further ado, here's the list:

THE ATTICUS INSTITUTE

Director: Chris Sparling. Screenwriter: Chris Sparling. Cast: William Mapother, Rya Kihlstedt, Rob Kerkovich. 92 mins, USA 2015.

"Shite in mah mooth!" - Sorry couldn't resist.

Back in the early 70's brainy clever clogs Dr. Henry (no relation to Herbert or Fred) West set up The Atticus Institute in order to study telekinesis, clairvoyance, E.S.P., the books of Colin Martin and other unexplained psi-related phenomena.

But not the film Phenomena obviously because that wasn't released till 1985.

Literally thousands of folk were tested using a variety of seriously scientific with some of them actually showing spooky abilities that defied any rational explanations. 

Except probably that wolves did it.

Unfortunately just after West published the promising results of his research work, the small facility was mysteriously shut down in November 1976 by a concerned US Government. 

The reason? 

A woman named Judith Winstead whose supernatural abilities tested far beyond anything ever before witnessed. 

We're promised that won’t believe your eyes whilst watching the shockumentary of the year from director Chris Sparling, writer of BURIED.

The film script that is, not the word.

THE HOARDER

Director: Matt Winn. Screenwriters: James Handel, Matt Winn, Chris Denne. Cast: Mischa Barton, Robert Knepper, Charlotte Salt. 84 mins. UK 2015.

 

"Mischa Barton? I'm sure she's around here somewhere!"

When Ella (Mischa Barton) discovers that her Wall Street banker (in more ways than one) boyfriend is renting a secret storage unit, she suspects he’s using it to hide an affair.

But seeing as this is Frightfest she's probably wrong.

Anyway enlisting the help of her best friend Molly (High headed star of The Inbetweeners Emily-Mars-Atack....yes I've just realised that it lack an S to work) she breaks into the facility only to discover something more terrifying instead. 

Wolves?

Director Matt Winn isn't telling.

Now trapped in a darkened building with a group of neurotic strangers who start disappearing one by one, Ella soon uncovers even worse horror in the dank depths. 

A dozen wolves?

Who knows? But her life or death battle to escape eternal enslavement (possibly by animals like wolves) is about to begin…

WYRMWOOD

Director: Kiah Roache-Turner. Screenwriters: Kiah Roache-Turner, Tristan Roache-Turner. Cast: Jay Gallagher, Bianca Bradey, Leon Burchill, 98 mins, Australia 2014.

"Laugh now!"

In the midst of a post-apocalyptic zombie invasion - caused this time by a wayward comet - an Oz (as in Australian, he's not a Munchkin or anything) mechanic must attempt to rescue his dusky eyed sister from a group of sinister gas-masked soldiers who are scouring the land for fresh victims to participate in the bizarre flesh-eating experiments being conducted by a fairly mad scientist. 

Mixing Mad Max style designs, an absurd sense of humour, new and outrageous zombie lore and KC and the Sunshine Band, this new spin on an old favourite promises black comedy galore, catastrophic carnage, over-the-top splatter and probably a few mullets.

88

Director: April Mullen. Screenwriters: Tom Doiron, April Mullen. Cast: Katharine Isabelle, Christopher Lloyd, Michael Ironside, 88 mins, Canada 2015.

88: Two fat ladies not shown.

From the team behind DEAD BEFORE DAWN 3D, and starring friend of The Arena Katharine Isabelle, comes a glorious, gory and fast-paced homage to cult exploitation revenge thrillers. 

Gwen arrives dishevelled at a mysterious roadside diner with no idea where she is or how she got there in such an anguished state. 

Split between two time lines, Gwen gets taken on a violence-fuelled journey into death and destruction and becomes the most wanted woman in Tennessee seeking out the person responsible for her lover's murder.

Raucous redhead action with American Mary herself. 

Honestly what more could you ask for?

Except wolves maybe?

THE ASYLUM - (BACKMASK)

Director: Marcus Nispel. Screenwriters, Marcus Nispel, Kirsten Elms. Cast: Stephen Lang, Brett Dier, Brittany Curran, 90 mins, USA 2015.

Holly Valance, up the casino, Wigan, 1998.....YESCH.

From Marcus Nispel, 'director' of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW and FRIDAY THE 13TH re-imaginings (but let's not hold that against him) comes a curious case of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll possession. 

Which is nice.

Six teens throw a party in a rundown building and find an old record (ask your mum) and decide to play it backwards for a giggle.

As you do.

But the vintage vinyl holds a subliminal message and soon a seemingly malevolent entity has infiltrated the group, wreaking havoc and eggy farts. 

However the spirit is actually trying to convey a message and the real source of horror is something - or someone - much closer to home.

Your dad perhaps?

Come on, you've seen the way he looks at me.

CLOWN

Director: John Watts. Screenwriters: Christopher D. Ford, John Watts. Cast: Peter Stormare, Eli Roth, Laura Allen, 102 mins, USA/Canada 2014.

 

"Those badges on your jacket smell....they must be onion bhajis!" - Seriuosly a clown I was working with once made this joke.

FrightFest Glasgow’s special 2013 guest Eli Roth sends in the clowns but forgets the money he owes me with this terrifying tale of an unreliable childrens entertainer.

 When the balloon twisting funny fella hired for his son’s sixth birthday party is a no-show, doting father Kent dons a clown outfit himself but after the festivities, he finds he can’t take it off – the bulbous nose is stuck to his face, the frizzy wig glued to his hair and the make-up permanently etched on his features. 

Too late he learns the costume is the skin of an ancient demon and his family must race to break the curse before the transformation into a homicidal killer with outsize shoes and the mysterious stench of warm milk is complete. 

 

 

 

BLOOD AND BLACK LACE
Director: Mario Bava. Screenwriters: Mario Bava, Giuseppe Barilla, Marcello Fondato. Cast: Cameron Mitchell, Eva Bartok, Lea Lander, 88 mins, Italy 1964.

A Bava classic....blood or black lace not soon.

Mario Bava’s visually stunning, elegantly mounted and erotically charged proto- giallo presented in all its restored glory.

Nuff said.

THE WOOD MOVIE

Director: Russell Gomm. Screenwriter: Russell Gomm. Cast: Edward Sanchez, Daniel Myrick, Gregg Hale. 84 mins. UK 2015.

In October 1997, a group of filmmakers ventured into the Maryhill woods to produce a low budget independent horror movie. 

 

That disappeared without a trace but across the pond a different lo-fi shocker,  

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT would become a global phenomenon and began the ‘found footage’ genre that remains a potent, if sometimes stinky  force today. 

 

Now for the first time you can see how that record-breaking groundbreaker came into being. 

 

From never-before-seen recordings of pre-production meetings, audition tapes and test footage to the actual shooting, first preview screenings and marketing at the Sundance Film Festival, all the key personnel guide you through the discussions and decisions that minted a shock sensation classic.  

 

 

THE TREATMENT

Director: Hans Herbots. Screenwriters: Mo Hayder, Carl Joos. Cast: Geert Van Rampelberg, Ina Geerts, Johan van Assche. 125 mins, Belgium, 2014.

"I can see you house from here Peter".

Nordic Noir turns frighteningly Flemish (yesch!) in Belgium’s top-grossing film of 2014.

Based on the chiller by acclaimed British author Mo Hayder and gut-wrenchingly harrowing to an unprecedented degree, nerves of steel are required to watch this truly shocking, emotionally jarring, viciously gritty, serial killer thriller. 

Inspector Nick Cafmeyer is haunted by the unsolved disappearance of his younger brother. 

A known sex offender (based, I'm told partly on your Uncle John) was questioned but quickly released and now takes fiendish pleasure in tormenting Nick by sending him unmarked postcards featuring wolves dressed as famous sportsmen. 

Now another spookily similar case comes to light involving a missing juvenile and Nick’s real nightmare begins.

[REC]: APOCALYPSE

Director: Jaume Balagueró. Screenwriters: Jaume Balagueró and Manu Diez. Cast: Manuela Velasco, Paco Manzenado, Héctor Colomé, 96 mins,.

Manuela Velasco: I love her AND she follows me on Twitter....my life is complete.

After unleashing the original [REC] onto unsuspecting audiences, Frightfest Glasgow is hosting the UK premiere of the shattering visceral conclusion to the global horror phenomenon.

 

Picking up the intense action immediately after [REC] 2 - expanding on the mythos from all three predecessors, plus referencing cult genre classics - TV reporter Ángela Vidal is extracted from the cursed apartment building and taken to a high-security quarantine facility aboard an oil tanker. 

 

There, in the bowels of the dark and desolate ship, Dr. Ricarte is experimenting with the infectious virus to find a cure before another living dead outbreak occurs.  

 

And finally we have....

 

THERE ARE MONSTERS

Director: Jay Dahl. Screenwriter: Jay Dahl. Cast: Matthew Amyotte, Jason Daley, Michael Ray Fox, 96 mins, Canada 2014.

"Aye hen!"

Monsters are taking over the world, slowly, quietly and efficiently, but you won’t see them coming until it’s far too late! 

 

Four film students embark on a road trip to obtain promotional interviews for their college, however en route they witness a series of odd events, strange behaviour, shocking actions and what seems to be surplus of twins (not mine). 

 

Their well-ordered universe literally changes before their camera lenses uncovering a terrifying secret lurking just under the seemingly calm urban landscape.  

 

With a promise to scare us out of our wits right from the start, there'll be slashed seats if this isn't the case.

And if that wasn't enough to get you moist don't forget there's still time to place a bet on which movie will make the wheelchair bound man walk out in disgust this year.

 

See you then!

slashtastic.

Coming soon from writer/director (and most importantly fan of this blog - and by that I mean he says nice things about it, not threatens to stab my family because I criticized Rob Zombie ) Carl Bachmann, a horror/comedy hybrid that from footage shown so far, is actually really funny.

If not a little horrific too.

Surprised?

You should be.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you Party Slashers!

Currently looking for funding thru Kickstarter, Party Slashers tells the (almost) true story of Will, a high school Mr. Popular wannabe who as well as finishing his costume for the big Halloween party, is desperately trying to figure out how to get noticed by his high school crush, Heather, the girl that haunts his every waking moment.

And a few of his sticky sleepy ones too.

Meanwhile, his introverted ex- best bud, the roleplaying game obsessed Russell, is busying himself with a particularly intense game of Dungeons & Dragons, you see like all good games masters he takes his campaigns very seriously.

Seriously enough to spice up the game by chanting a spell from a mysterious necromancer book that he found in the woods.

Unfortunately, as is usually the case when you use bizarre occult books before first checking the index, the spell succeeds in raising the deadly “Revenants”, muderous undead killers from beyond the grave.

Which as we know is a bad place to come from.

One of these cast members is now on my crush/stalking list...I think I'll leave it as a surprise tho'. Hate her to be out when I turn up on her doorstep.

 Worse than that tho' is that the cops have busted the big party, leaving Will no alternative but to invite everyone to Russell's huge house in the middle of nowhere (his parents are never, ever home either which is a plus) to continue the evenings celebrations and most importantly give himself more time to impress Heather.

The sly fox.

Things never go according to plan tho' and upon Will and co's arrival Russell is understandably furious with his ex pal, until his secret crush, the angsty hipster Angie walks in which quickly changes his mind.

 And trust me, I've seen her and she's very, very cute.

Tunnel or funnel?

 With the party continuing unabated and everyone happy (for once) Russell completely forgets about the occult book and it's spells pertaining to the revernants.

Which is a wee bit unfortunate as they haven't forgotten about him.

Cue ninety minutes of wholesale slaughter and frighteningly funny humour as Will teams up with Russell, Heather and Angie in a fight for survival.

Ill-equipped, unskilled, and anything but team players, this rag-tag group’s true colours soon come to the fore.

But before they can deal with death-dispatching revenants, they’ll first need to deal with each other.

And it'll be anything but pretty.

In pink.

Tiffany: I think we're alone now.

Cutting his (cinematic) teeth directing the award-winning dark comedy/musical, "Miracle on Metal Street", Bachmann promises that Party Slashers will be "a non-stop funny and lethal adventure unlike anything you've seen before." 

And from the clips I've seen I believe him.

Party Slashers needs you, so head over to the Kickstarter site and tell them I sent you.

End of plug.