bad dad gas.

It's the last day of 31 Days of Horror and I'm feeling very refreshed.

Not only because the final movie is a corker but because someone said something nice about the blog on Twitter t'other week:

This must be what being popular feels like.

Anyway on with the movie.

Well on with the review, I mean I watched the movie last night.

Tho' I could probably put it on again.

Yes it's that good.
 


Demon Wind (1990).
Dir: Charles Philip Moore.
Cast:: Eric Larsonn, Francine Lapensee, Bobby Johnston, Lynn Clark, Mark David Fritsche, Sherry Bendorf, Jack Vogel, Stephen Quadros, Richard Gabai, Mia Ruiz, C.D.J. Koko, Rufus Norris and Sandra Margot.

“And now my pig, you die!”

Welcome to 1930s backwoods, USA, where burned and crucified bodies and market stall prints of Jesus (or is it Ewan McGregor?) litter the grounds - and walls - of the tiny farmhouse home of the God-fearing (and ferret toothed) Regina Carter who, alongside her long-suffering husband George is busy lighting candles in an attempt to stop evil demons entering her house.

Tho' probably not her lady garden as from the look of her that's already been the site of a good few hauntings.

As the camera pans across old family photographs and more cheap religious tat the sounds of spooky voices fill the air as Regina stands steadfast against the front door as if trying to stop some unknown - and unseen - force from entering.

George on the other hand is just standing in the background like a huge cardboard cock.

Albeit one that's dribbling vegetable soup whilst growling.

Turning to face her by now soup covered and Chip-Stick fanged hubbie Regina quickly grabs a poundshop snowglobe and threatens to break it, announcing that if she does it will be the end of them both.

As you do.

Unconcerned by the threat of ornament breakage George lunges at his wife and she drops the globe which shatters into a pool of blood and causes the house to explode.

Which was a wee bit unexpected I'll admit.

That ain't no fella.....it's Jesus!

With a quick cut and a title card that says 'PRESENT' (which I am) we're in the modern day times where the tiny-eyed teen - yeah right - Cory (Larson whom you may remember from his top turn as the Internal Affairs Guy from the episode of Angel 'Reprise') and his girlfriend Elaine (Producer/Director/Actor Lapensee) are uncomfortably driving along a very empty dirt track on their way to visit his grandparents' farm.

It seems that poor Cory had a strange childhood, estranged from his father his only link to the past is the aforementioned farmhouse and the tales of the strange goings on that happened there.

As if some strange foreboding of things to come an inbred, snub-nosed ginger child stands silently on a hill pointing a stick at them.

I bet his girlfriend is so looking forward to this weekend trip, I mean I'm depressed just writing about it.

Local.

With the conversation as stilted as the pairs acting ability there's blessed relief when they stop at 'crazy' Barry Harcourt's (Olivier winning theatre director Norris - no really) gas station and cafe for directions, a quick snack and an excuse for Elaine to flash her love heart pants at Cory, much to the chagrin of the owner who berates them before giving an airing to the age old "Keep away from the farm or you'll be doomed!" speech so well loved in 80s horror epics.

Cory, ignoring the warnings, tells Elaine that he's adamant that he's been here before in a strange dream where he's naked apart from a thermos flask to cover his dignity and just to prove it's so the director lovingly shows us this very dream.

Which if nothing else goes to show how pert Cory's arse is.

Honestly he could crack walnuts between those buttocks.

Unfortunately we don't get to see them in action as the dream suddenly ends with the appearance of Cory's blood soaked (as opposed to gin soaked) grannie.

All this bizarro shite is soon is cut short tho' when more of Cory's entourage arrive at the gas station, there's the buff stud muffin and wannabe wife beater Dell (Erotic Confessions star Johnston), his yumsome, red-tighted girlfriend Terri (Santa Barbara's Clark) and the frighteningly horse faced Bonnie (Hollywood stunt royalty Bendorf) alongside the bespectacled Jack (Fritsche) as well as the council estate Michael Biehn Stacy (Vogel) alongside amateur magician cum fulltime spunkbucket Chuck (ex drummer with rock gods Snow and almost KISS percussionist Quadros) who - in one of the greatest moments in cinema - arrives on the scene decked in a cape and bowtie whilst performing magic tricks from the front seat of a convertible as The Ride of the Valkyries blares over the car stereo before getting down to threatening Dell with his sexy Kung Fu moves.

No really.

Kick, punch it's all in the mind.

As the group grab a drink Cory decides to get everyone (including us) up to speed with regards to his dear old dad who, it turns out was born a mere four days before the farm house exploded  and how, shortly after Cory was born, he returned there and was never heard from again until that is Cory caught up with him a few weeks back.

Oh yes and it turns out that within hours of catching up with his son that the poor old sod slashed his wrists and died.

Which is a bit excessive really, I mean mine just ignores me.

Surprisingly the entire group react not with fear or concern but mild disinterest and with that they all head to their cars eager to get to the farm house and the promise of a feast of egg sandwiches and cans of pop.

When the gang finally arrive at the farm you can see that they're oh so slightly disappointed by what they find as it consists of a smashed wall, some bricks piled in a corner and a three walled barn.

Yup, it's gonna be a cold night.

As a plus point tho' there is the burnt remains of the skeleton crucified to a tree by the gate which probably counts as a selling feature.

Trying to make the best of a bad - alright utterly shite - situation the group start to unload their cars but in the excitement Bonnie manages to trip over her massive chin and lands face to, um, skull with a skeleton poking out of the grass and as Cory goes to help her up our hero accidentally touches it causing a threadbare explosion of felt pen-based rotoscoping of the kind not since you used to add laser effects to your super 8 movies with a pin.

But if that wasn't enough to caused you to fill your trousers with fright then the fact that this causes Cory to experience hallucinatory images of his dad/uncle/cousin (I don't care) getting attacked by a loud noise should make you at least check for leakage.

Dollar have let themselves go.

Dell searching around in the bushes for something to abuse comes across - not in that way tho' I'd not be surprised if he did seeing as his entire character is a literal #metoo meme -  a rusty old lantern and quickly surmises that a bad man started a fire and killed everyone tho' Cory isn't convinced and proceeds to walk around the desolated ruin for no reason other than to freak out the audience when he stands in the doorway facing his pals who it turns out can't see him.

Scarily all they see is a rustically furnished and non-trashed farmhouse.

Yet no-one and I do mean no-one thinks this is at all odd.

Cory walks all the way back to his friends and they all head inside.

Yup, into a farm house which they have just seen exists in two separate dimensions.

A farm house that exists in two separate dimensions and has glowing, laser firing skulls buried outside.

And a crucified corpse as a garden ornament.

And not one of them thinks this is in any way odd.

There's even scary Sumerian style text scrawled on the walls Ala Evil Dead.

Seriously I've never wished death on anyone as much as I have on Cory and his pals.

Yes they're that stupid.

But kinda lovable too.

Weird science!

Bonnie, having the biggest face and therefore being the most able to read the mystic runes from a distance begins to recite the words out loud causing the fireplace to burst into flames (well it is a fireplace I guess) and the entire contents of the house to start flying around as crockery and the like usually don't.

As the stench of an entire group of teens shitting themselves fills the air everyone legs it out of the Farmhouse before Chuck and Stacy head back in after retrieving guns from their car.

No doubt Chuck turned a couple of rabbits into the firearms as magicians usually do in times of stress.

This guy puts Paul Daniels to shame.

Voting to turn around and go home (a wise idea if not a very cinematic one) Cory desperately tries to persuade them to stay saying that it was just the (demon) wind when suddenly, as if right on cue, the crucified skeletons falls to the ground.

With this the entire group hurry back to their cars but - surprise surprise - none of them will start.

Bonnie, hungry for sugar lumps, begins to panic and grabs her (saddle) bags before quickly walking in the direction of the gas station.

As her friends begin to follow a mysterious howling wind picks up and a spooky fog appears from nowhere.

I say nowhere but I'm assuming it's from a smoke machine placed just out of shot.

As the fog disappears the group realise that they've been transported right back to outside the house.

But this time they're not alone as three creepy wee girls cosplaying Laura Ingalls have appeared from nowhere to hurl abuse at our freaked out friends.

Dell, being a caring guy almost immediately tries to punch one of them but is cast aside like a rag doll which causes poor Bonnie to get even more upset and attempt to gallop away.

One of the girls makes a grab for Bonnie and in a flash of felt pen animation turns her into a doll.

Not a doll that looks anything like her obviously just a common or garden cheap toy shop doll that has a vague approximation of her outfit on.

As in it's the same colour.

Sort of.

No idea why they didn't just use a Barbie horse tho' as that'd been a perfect match.

"Me? stay in a haunted house? Neigh chance!"

The director has one more cruel twist of fate for Bonnie tho' as after it utters a few scary words it bursts into flames.

The friends just look at each other and shrug before heading back into the house to bed down for the night because, as Cory so eloquently puts it, it'll probably be safer than sleeping in their cars.

Yup if I have the choice between sleeping in a locked car or in a haunted house that phases between two different dimensions I know which I'd choose.

Occupying themselves by cleaning the place up before teatime the group of friends are understandably upset when just as Stacy places the last doily on the sofa arm another demon wind blows thru' the house and messes it up again.

Cory however doesn't seem to notice as he's way too busy following a ghostly vision of his grandmother down into the basement where she leads him to her handy spellbook and a couple of demon killing daggers.

Which is nice seeing as all my gran ever gave me was a feeling of shame and the fact that I was considered an abomination and a mistake by everyone.

Including the local vicar and most of the nearby women's institute.

Anyway, enough of my dark secrets as there are plenty on screen to go around as Cory is keen to share as he reads from his Nan's book.

It seems that years back his family chased a preacher named Barry 'Beast' Enders out of the area after he began worshiping Satan and converting a load of local farmers.

And with this stunning revelation the group settle for bed leaving the gun-toting
magicians Chuck and Stacy on guard.

Well they do have magical powers.

And guns obviously.

As the night (and the movie) drags on the pair notice a voice calling to them from the fog and as they peer ever closer to the window a ghostly blonde bird (former 'adult' movie star and current reality TV starring bail-bonds woman Margot) appears, wearing what looks like your Mum's best underwear and calling their names as she pens her -smashing - blouse revealing her breasts.

Which is a blessed relief as it takes your attention away from her harsh face.

As she fades back into the fog I'm surprised to say that the pair actually realise it's a trick but decide to go out anyway and shoot some stuff.

"Boiled onions!"

As they search thru' the fog for the floaty old lady a shambling group of zombie demons appear on the horizon and our trick-performing twosome start blasting away in between Chuck karate kicking the undead horde in the face.

The tide of battle soon turns against the two friends tho' and Chuck can only look on in mild apathy as Stacy is cut down by the demons leaving Chuck no choice but to run back to the house and - rather than just quickly go inside and shut the door - hang around till the topless woman kills him.

As his dying screams - and not I repeat not the sound of multiple gunshots - finally wake everyone up
he surviving group rush to the windows to take a peek outside and see their friends dead bodies, giving Terri the chance to deliver the greatest onscreen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! since James Earl Jones in Revenge of The Sith.

As the sun rises our merry band are excited to hear a car in the distance, it seems that Cory's pals, the dangly earinged Willy (Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective star cum latter day producer and director Gaba)
and his girlfriend Reena (Ruiz whom you may remember as Mr. Reindeer's Resident Valet #1 in Wild At Heart and as the saucy Michelle in Witchcraft II: The Temptress - no? Suit yourselves) have turned up to join in the fun.

As the group run towards the car Cory frantically yells for them to keep the engine running in the hope that they can all pile in and escape but Willy unable to hear them over not just the noise of the engine but also over his awesomeness turns it off and shouts "What?" really loudly.

The Take That reunion tour got off to a shaky start...

Realising that they're all basically fucked the pals head back to the farm and begin boarding up the windows - which if you remember don't exist from the outside - and fashioning weapons to defend themselves using leftover pots and pans.

Well it keeps them busy.

Dell and Terri on the other hand have decided to make a run for it and grabbing a blanket for the journey head out into the unknown where they soon die.

No loss there then.

As the friends beaver away at the windows Jack notices that the barn has mysteriously rebuilt itself and in a bizarre leap of logic decides that the evil must be hiding in there so they all head over to investigate.

Disappointingly as barns go this one seems pretty ordinary - except for the runes daubed in blood on the walls and the crucified human skeleton with a bulls skull for a head obviously - so the friends continue to poke around.

All except Reena that is who slowly approaches the skeleton, transfixed by its strange beauty.

Well that's what she says.

Personally I reckon she just wants to know if he's in proportion.

As she gets nearer a massive tongue lashes out of the skull and wraps itself around her neck, dragging her ever nearer before biting her head off.

Which is nice.

"Is it in yet?"

Cory and co. turn to leave but find their exit blocked by their magician mates who are now possessed by demons, Jack, coming over all Rowdy Roddy Piper (not literally mind) threatens to shoot the pair but is politely informed that guns wont work in the house of the Devil.

Or even his barn possibly.

After punching Willy in the face the pair attempt to attack Elaine, which is when Cory remembers that he has a couple of demon destroying daggers. He waves them at his former friends till they run away giving everyone a chance to return to the farmhouse.

Except Willie that is, they left him lying unconscious in the barn.

Friends eh?

As they turn back and get him, Reena appears carrying his severed head like a novelty handbag and Cory realising that the films running time is rapidly coming to an end decides to get all proactive, stabbing her with a dagger and causing her - and it - to explode in a shower of cartoon light.

Everyone - well everyone who's left - piles into the farmhouse as the demon hordes stumble out of the barn toward them.

But as the undead army gets closer a strange ray of light emanates from the farmhouse causing them to burst into flames.

Yup it appears dear old grannie installed a demon repellent ray in the roof.

Pity she never felt need to mention it earlier.

Or at all.

As the mysterious magical forcefield begins to fade the demons roughly enter the house and as an undead Terri bites Jack and Bonnie gallops over a hill to beg for death all seems lost but as the Devil himself prepares to make an entrance it appears that there's more to Cory than first appears.

Could he really be some superhero-style Satan smasher in disguise?

 

Most famous for being one of the first movies released on VHS to have a lenticular cover - glad to see they spent the money in the right place - Demon Wind is what would happen if you showed The Evil Dead to a sugared-up 12 year old with ADHD then got him to rewrite the script from memory.

Yes it's that good.

Writer/director Charles Philip Moore (he who gave us the classic 1994 'erotic' thriller Angel of Destruction as well as the Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson hit Blackbelt) throws caution - and budgetary constraints - to the (demon) wind to bring us a tale that's as mesmerizing as it is ludicrous - mad, at times painfully bad and - if not dangerous - then at least slightly dippy to know.

From it's bizarro nude dream sequences to it's Rentaghost style (not so) special effects and vegetable soup spewing demons via fright masked fight scenes and random scary children pointing sticks at nothing in particular, Demon Wind at once encapsulates both the very best and the arse clenching worst of late 80s American horror cinema.

Oh and did I mention it features magic tricks?

Soup in mah mooth.

Those less forgiving may accuse the whole sorry affair of being a wee bit shite, well if that's at all true then at least it's bloody enjoyable shite, cramming more into its running time than most other movies of its ilk combined and if that means there's less time to worry about little things like logic and basic storytelling tropes then who am I to argue?

Really, there's not much you can say about Demon Wind other than you need to experience it for yourself.

Sheer lo-fi horror genius.

spun doctored.

Seeing as the new series of Doctor Who has been successful enough to launch a high-end clothing/accessory line I thought I'd take a trip back to what we fans (and our Action Men) had to wear in the 80s....if our Grannie's could sew that is.

Enjoy.

ziggy sunburst.

Been out at horror con this weekend punting my wares like a cheap Parisian whore so didn't have time to write any proper reviews.

Which to be honest really doesn't matter with this seeing as you can probably already guess the plot.

Enjoy.

Arachnoquake (2012).
Dir: Griff Furst.
Cast:  Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong, Bug Hall, Ethan Phillips,
Megan Adelle, Gralen Bryant Banks, Dane Rhodes, Paul Boocock, Skyy Moore, Tiara Gathright, Olivia Hardt, Grant James and Lucky Johnson.

Jumbo spiders, some as big as dwarves!

A massive (off-screen) nighttime earthquake has cause even more massive CGI holes to appear in and around New Orleans (and not, I repeat not Orville, Texas as it says on the back of the box) and from these holes crawl an army of mutant albino arachnids.

Using sonar to detect their prey, these multi-legged monsters can also shoot web strong enough to capture a man, spit fire and walk on water.

Oh yes, and due to a lack of continuity between the computer artists they appear to be getting bigger and bigger depending what scene they're in.

"Laugh now!"

Anyway, that's the monsters dealt with so let's meet the human cast, first up is our hero for the next 90 minutes, a young ne'er do well named Paul (Hall, from the Robert Hays comedy series Kelly Kelly) who spends his nights drinking and shagging and his days helping out with the family tour business alongside his Hobbit like dad Roy (Star Trek: Voyagers Phillips) and his blonde 'n' buxom sister Petra (Hot Hot Los Angeles star Hardt, best known for snogging American Horror Story's Alexandra Breckenridge in an episode of the Courteney Cox TV show Dirt).

It appears that due to his excess drinking, sodomizing and habit of losing the tour boat, Paul's dad has decided that if anything else at all goes wrong he's going to kick poor Paul out on his ear.

His last chance of redemption?

Take out the tour bus that's been booked by teachers from a Houston school, in town for a girl on girl baseball match.

Sounds legit.

Furlong, using a matchstick defends the Corgi bus from normal sized spiders yesterday.

Unfortunately the class assistant is stuck in bed covered in webbing leaving biology teacher Katelynn (ex Growing Pains star and uber MiLF Gold) and her kids Annabel (the long faced Adelle) and Justin (Moore) to their own devices whilst dad Charlie (the one mighty Furlong, now looking younger - and considerably shorter -  than his kids) has to drive the Baseball babes back to Houston.

It's a terrible job but someone has to do it.

Deciding to make the best of it, the family decide to take the tour themselves alongside a motley crew of wannabe spider fodder including a grumpy old man (James) and the Ghetto-tastic newly weds Glenn and Tina (Johnson and Gathright).

"It's behind you!"...Well it will be in a couple of months when we've added it to the background.

As the tour begins our bus riding 'rachnid snacks soon become aware of the mysterious holes in the road and the tiny eight legged terrors emerging from them.

Tho' due to budgetary constraints you can catch glimpses of local residents going about their every day lives in the background, totally oblivious to the drama unfolding on the streets.

Spiders crawl across roofs and passed cars as commuters head to and from work, families enjoy a picnic and shopper look for bargains. it's almost as if only a chosen few can see the eight-legged beasts.

Either that or the production was so threadbare they couldn't afford to close of the roads for shooting.

"Monsta!"

Will our heroes survive the giant spider situation?

Will they make it to Roy's boat in time?

Will Paul take control and become the hero the movie deserves or will he end up just so much spider snack?

And just how many times can you be distracted by the lead actresses frankly pendulous freckly mommy breasts during one movie?

Even tho' they're quite securely held in place by a V neck top.

Only one way to find out.

Font.

All hail the multi talented actor/director Griff Furst (Chase from the fantastic Monsterwolf), beaming to us from a world where the 50's monster flick never died and proving with his latest flick, the shoestring shocker Arachnoquake that you can, in fact polish a turd.

I mean come on, when a movie's DVD sleeve gets the plot wrong you know you're in trouble and when Edward Furlong turns up with the obvious DT's and the haunted look a lost child trapped in a hotel room about to be horribly abused by a hooded bad man you know there's something amiss and the whole endeavor should by rights be utterly devoid of any entertainment value.

But guess what?

Arachnoquake is actually really enjoyable.

Mike Pence's attempt to change the batteries in Melania's vibrator were doomed to failure.

True the spiders look like they've been rendered on a Casio calculator by a blind boy and everything is shot in uncomfortable close-ups to disguise the fact that no-one bothered to seek shooting permission but the cast are great with enough one liners, spider attacks and humour (mostly intentional but with a few unintentional thrown in) to totally win you over.

Plus it's probably the only movie I know of where the hero dons a deep sea diving suit in order to enter a giant monster and tie a stick of dynamite to it's intestines before failing out it's arse.

Need I say more?

chuckle vision*

After a week of dead hard drives, exploding arse and various things going wrong I've finally made it to the most exciting day of the year.

Yup, the great god John Carpenter is playing in Glasgow tonight!

Anyway as a tribute I thought that today's 31 Days of Horror should pay homage to the slasher genre re-invigorated by Carpenter's 78 classic Halloween.

Then I realised that I'd have to actually sit and plan watching some decent movies and crafting a well written critique so I thought 'fuck it' and just grabbed this of the twins shelf....

As regular readers will remember I've already covered Mask Maker so how could Bunnyman be anything other than great?




Bunnyman (AKA The Bunnyman Massacre, 2009).
Dir: Carl Lindberg
Cast: Scott Kuza, David Scott, Alaina Gianci, Lucia Sullivan, Cheryl Texiera, Matthew Stiller, Veronica Wylie and Matthew Phillips.

"Shit, alright, we've learned our lesson!"

Welcome to the arse end of Backwoodsville USA, where a bunch of college buddies are enjoying the long ride to Vegas.

Well that's what it says on the back of the box.

Lazily taking in the scenery our fairly fucked six-some are surprised when a big truck - first seen in a ropy pre-credits sequence being driven by a man with furry feet - appears from nowhere and tries to ram them off the road before revving up and driving away.

This road based rage game of cat and mouse (OK rabbit and mouse....or is that rabbit and teen?) continues just long enough to pad the films running time to feature length meaning the director - and I use that term loosely - can now continue with the plot good and proper.

And with that in mind the Duel copying truck driver finally succeeds in forcing the car off the road and into a convenient tree.

Ouch.

Beware: This van is not full of sweets.

Luckily one of the group, Jack (Kuza, like it matters) is a mechanic and is soon on his back fiddling underneath the car.

Which would probably be OK if the terrifying trucker hadn't decided a short while later to ram them again, squashing Jack flat.

A lucky escape for him methinks.

Deciding the best way to escape from the devilish driver is to run away our surviving pals leg it into the bushes where they soon come across an inbred mentalist (whose house is surrounded by inverted crosses and bags of bones) with a gun fetish and an untempered erection who shouts a lot.

Just like your dad.

"Gerroff mah lahnd an' gerrin mah mooth ya bashtad!"

With forced buggery nowhere near top of their agenda the remaining five make their excuses and leave, deciding that if they walk in a perfectly straight line till nightfall not only will they find help but will ultimately forget all about their dead pal.

Which they indeed do within about 5 minutes.

Bastards.

Luckily (for us and them) night soon falls meaning that:

A. We don't have to look at their punchable faces as much

and

B. Everyone knows scary shit happens at night.

Unfortunately in this case it's just two folk, a pube-haired hillbilly and a sexy (in a pram-faced council estate kinda way) woman sitting in a car.

I bet Tobe Hooper is shitting himself right now.

Not due to him being a more talented film-maker more to do with decomposition obviously.

You know a film's low budget when they can't even afford to give one actress an arse.

Unable to give them a ride to town due to pubey having a really contagious case of rickets, the lady (Brian I think her name was but I can't be sure, look if the director can't be arsed why should I?) suggests that they go and rest overnight in the blood spattered and seemingly abandoned cabin a few miles back and that she'll come pick them up the next morning.

Sounds legit.

Everyone reckons this is a great idea but being American aren't too used to walking so within five minutes the entire mob of them have fallen asleep under a tree.

Which does give us the opportunity to gaze at the strangely attractive Veronica Wylie as she snoozes.

Wylie: Muck shot violently over jubblies. More at ten.

Next morning everyone wakes refreshed and ready to go except the aforementioned Wylie that is, who keeps complaining that she was kept up all night by the sound of someone chomping loudly on carrots behind a nearby bush.

With her friends openly mocking her excuse for wanting an extra ten minutes kip (which if I'm honest probably makes a change from mocking her knobbly knees) Veronica heads over to the bush to investigate.

Popping her head around the exotic fauna she's (fairly) surprised to see a man in a sub-standard market stall rabbit suit wielding a chainsaw above his head.

This surprise however is cut short when he violently sticks it in her.
 

"What the fuck's up doc?"

Realizing that the rabbit is out for blood (and that there is only about 20 minutes left on the running time) our fearful foursome leg it toward the cabin only to discover that it's a trap.

Yup the cabin belongs to Mr. Bunnyman and his family which includes the harsh faced bird, that pubey bloke and a hunchback in a pair of welding goggles.

Tho' I doubt he's qualified. 

Outnumbered, out acted and scarily out witted, our surviving saps are pitted in a battle to the death against the loopiest Leporis since Rabbit Rampage was released on the SNES back in 1994.

Who will survive?

And what will be left of their careers?

Who'd have thought that after spewing forth the atrocious Shadow of The Dead over an unsuspecting world way back in 2004 that Danish boxer (he competed in the 1924 Summer Olympics) cum writer / director / producer and editor Carl Lindberg would create a horror character to rival Leatherface in the inbred badman stakes?

Not the person that hired that bunny suit that's for sure.

But scarily enough it works.

Which is a pity seeing as the rest of the movie is just a ragbag of ideas, scenes and situations stolen from a variety of  decidedly better sources.

Oh and Wrong Turn.

Tho' it is quite pretty to look at.

And I did sit thru' the whole thing without once wanting to stab myself in the eyes.

Which is more than can be said for Johnny English.

But is that really a good enough reason to buy this?

Answers on a postcard please.























































*As an aside, the reviews title was due to an amazing amount of hilariously conceived similarities 'tween the Bunnyman and The Chuckle Brothers fantastic Chucklehounds.

I was going to do the whole review as a comical exchange between the pair but to be honest I couldn't be bothered seeing as only about 3 folk read this.

What I can say is that'd have been bloody funny.

Probably.

If you don't know who The Chuckle Brothers are/were you can find out here.

 

cabbie's mixtapes.

Prepare yourself for John Carpenter's live tour with these 3 volumes of classic John Carpenter inspired cuts, Jack Burton beats and taxicab tunes found here, here and here.

screen burn.

It's another day in the slow motion car crash that is 31 Days of Horror and we're trading scares for 'the sex' as we grab our old VHS player and insert....

Sx_Tape (2014).
Dir: Bernard Rose.
Cast: Caitlyn Folley, Ian Duncan, Chris Coy and Diana Garcia, Julie Marcus, Daniel Faraldo but alas not Jason Segal or Cameron Diaz.

Robby: Who has sex for three hours?
Jay: We did!
Robby: That's the length of the movie "Lincoln". You did the full Lincoln.
Ooops....wrong tape...

The annoyingly nasal and scarily pube bearded Adam (Ian Duncan but not Smith unfortunately) bored with constantly making dodgy sex videos with his girlfriend - the free-spirited (meaning she gets her kit off at the drop of a hat) and spookily milky arsed Jill (Folley, a kinda Lidl Lily Rabe) decides instead to make a documentary about her life and work as an artist.

In between filming them having sex obviously.

After what seems like an eternity of watching the happy hippy couple gazing lovingly at each other, shoplifting sunglasses and Jill baring her arse to passersby from her kitchen window, Adam decides that what the movie (both his and the one we're being forced to endure) needs is a fantastic location full of fear and spookiness.

Unfortunately the budget doesn't stretch to anything remotely like that (I mean they can't even afford a halfway decent fitting bra for Jill, every time she walks past it's like she has two frisky puppies fighting under her shirt) so Adam drives Jill out to the recently abandoned Vergerus Institute for Troubled Women.

The hospital obviously named by a fan of director Ingmar Bergman, has a long history abuse, abortions and lecherous lobotomy lovers making it the perfect place, according to Adam for Jill to throw a party to celebrate her artistic skills.

Or get possessed by a vengeful spirit and kill folk.

Whichever's more convenient for the plot.

Salt and vinegar.

Dodging security guards as they venture further into the hospital, it's only a matter of time (if not taste) before Adam talks Jill into letting him tie her down to an operating table under the pretense of having some of the kinky sex.

Unfortunately for Jill (but not us because it means we aren't going to have to look at her arse again) Adam has no intention of putting it in her in a violent manner usually reserved for dogs and your dad when drunk, preferring to run away in an attempt to convince Jill that he's fucking off home and leaving her there for the night.

  Smoky bacon.

The rest of the film consists of hour upon hour of hilarious camera footage as Jill tries to scratch her nose and tries not to pee herself etc. before Adam returns the next day and frees her.

After an initial bout of grumpiness, laughs and swearing ensue all round as the couple imagine how they'll spend the £250 they'll get from You've Been Framed.

The end.

If only.

Nope, what actually happens is that within seconds of him wandering off a female ghost appears and possesses Jill causing her first to agree to a wee bout of bondage bed sex with Adam and secondly - yet much more erotically if I'm honest, to have a severe nose bleed in a kinda League of Gentlemen way.

Bloody Hell the Babadook isn't going to turn up too is he?

Quavers.

Realizing that nose bleeds, arses and mild bondage do not a horror movie make our dense duo decide to go home only to find that their car has been towed leaving Jill no choice but to call her even more annoying (if that were possible) pals Ellie (Garcia best known as Ximena from the fantastic TV show Kdabra...No me neither) and her infinitely punchable 'art terrorist' boyfriend, the buck-toothed Bobby (Hostel III's Coy) for a lift home.

It'll come as no surprise when I tell you that they don't actually head home for more mutual ego masturbation but head back into the hospital under the pretence that Bobby can 'tag' the place whilst waving a pistol around in a gangsta manner.

Yup, he's a gun totin' graffiti artist.

Or as we call them around here a massive bellend.

Watch out watch out Bobby's about.

With his gun in one hand and his cock in the other Bobby manages the near impossible task of making the other characters seem likeable as he swaggers around attempting to mount Jill like a desperate, drowning man at any opportunity which, if nothing else annoys Adam enough to forced him to stomp off in a sulk closely followed by the vacuum sucking non-entity that is Ellie.

This of course gives Jill and Bobby ample time to saunter off to possibly have sex/get murdered by an evil ghost.

Or both.

Frankly I don't care.

Prawn cocktail.

After a while Ellie, bored with having to look at Adams beard and after sucking all the joy from the room persuades him to stand in a corner whilst she goes off to find the others, leaving the hairy one to mutter to himself until that is his narcissistic natterings are interrupted by a volley of screams and gunfire.

Adam goes to investigate, eventually finding an hysterical (but not in that way) Jill covered in blood and semen and surround by spent bullet casings.

Hmmm.

Jill mutters something about having Bobby trying to put it in her lady garden and Ellie being upset before wandering off to the hospital's medical record archive, where she almost immediately picks up the file belonging to Toni Colette (played by Grand Theft Auto V's Marcus), a violently suicidal schizophrenic patient ultimately lobotomized for being too mad.

Oh yeah and for appearing in the United States of Tara TV series.

Probably.

Monster munch.

If that wasn't enough tho' it seems that poor Colette was actually lobotomized on the very bed that Jill was strapped to earlier.

What are the chances eh?

And could this mean that Colette has in fact possessed Jill?

Our jumpy duo have no time to ponder such mysteries as Jill is soon running down the corridors shouting abuse at Adam whilst he points the camera at various bits of the room hoping to see the ghostly girl that keeps appearing  at random intervals framed by a hazy glow of mid-80's Top of The Pops visual trickery.

Which everyone knows means a fantastically scary climax must be fast approaching.

After much, well a bit of searching Adam comes across Jill (but not in that way tho' I've no idea why seeing as everyone else has) hiding in an office clutching a video tape which he tries to take it from her.

Being a big wuss tho' he only manages a couple of half arsed grabs before she pushes him out of the way and disappears again.

It's becoming less Blair Witch more Chariots of Fire the amount of running in this movie, I'm knackered just writing about it.

Tho' that might have to do with the copious times I've had to get up and wander around the room for fear of beating myself to death due to the effects of watching such a turgid movie.

Spicy nik naks.

As luck - and plot convenience would have it - the hospitals security system is still working, allowing Adam to trace his gaga girlfriend via the miracle of CCTV and to also, thanks to good old fashioned video technology rewind the tape and find out what actually happened between Jill, Ellie and the Bobster.

Oh you'd forgotten about them too?

Well it seems that Bobby and Jill did in fact have 'the sex' but were interrupted by Ellie who like anyone in that situation decided to join in.

Which was all well and good (if a wee bit blurry) until Jill decides to spoil everyone's fun by shooting the pair in their respective faces.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Doritos.

Needing to pee (or crack one off, take your pick) after such a shocking revelation Adam heads to the nearest bathroom only to find Jill sitting silently in the cubicle still clutching the video tape.

Covered in blood, sweat, egg and shame and stinking like a pikeys vest, Jill scarily demands that Adam allows her to give him a blow job before changing her mind and shooting him in the head.

And the contents of the video tape?

It seems that the black hearted (and bearded) head of the hospital Dr. Simeone had filmed himself fiddling with an anesthetized Colette before performing her lobotomy.

And possibly after.

The end.

The phrase 'another day, another found footage movie' seems to have been playing on a constant loop for the last 10 years, i mean for Bods sake is no-one making anything else?

And no, 80s set nostalgia flicks don't count.

And when you come across one directed by Brit flick stalwart Bernard 'Mary' Rose you can at least expect it to look nice can't you?

I mean come on, this is the guy that gave us Candyman and Snuff Movie.

Hmmm.....I didn't really think that thru' did I?

"Is it in yet?"

Apart from the sex tape angle there's nothing here we haven't seen a hundred (OK a hundred and six) times before and even then the quite cool idea of haunted semen based shenanigans is completely discarded on the title alone as first (only hopefully) time writer Eric Reese blows it all by concentrating on a spooky abandoned building instead.

Maybe it's uniqueness blinded me.

Or more likely the overall averageness of the proceedings has numbed me to a point where I can't type for fear of bringing the whole depressing mess back before my eyes.

No plot, no point, no mercy.

Tomorrow something good.

If my computer is working, obviously.