mandate.

Still feeling a wee bit under the weather so have confined myself to the sofa with the TV remote channel surfing in the hope that some quality movies will help cure my malaise.

The Super Inframan (中國超人. 1975).
Dir: Hua Shan.
Cast: Danny Lee, Wang Hsieh, Terry Lau, Yuan Man-tzu, Bruce Le, Kong Yeung,
Dana Shum, Lin Wen-wei, Lu Sheng and Fanny Leung.

Rayma, now you are filled with power and energy! For you, nothing will be an impossibility! Your senses are intensified, so you can even see and hear through walls!

It's the futuristic - for 1975 - year 2015 (which is now the past, spooky) and the  primary 2 class from the Mary Bell junior school are heading home after a hard days clipping 'up west' but as the excitedly look forward to snacks and pop their joyful bus-based songs are rudely interrupted when what looks like a huge, green plucked turkey drops from the sky onto the road in front of them shattering the concrete and causing the bus to screech to a halt and wee Jimmy to spill his Ribena.

As the fairly sexy supply teacher herds the kids to safety the crack-creating chicken attacks the bus sending it and its unfortunate driver off the edge of a cliff.

But that's not the only thing causing havoc on this wet Wednesday afternoon as all across Hong Kong - and maybe even the world - natural disasters are occurring: everything from earthquakes to previously dormant volcano exploding via your mum burning her souffle, the whole planet is in chaos.

Lucky for us, the bewigged and (pube) bearded boffin and part-time Dave Lee Travis alike Professor Brian Liu Ying De (A Better Tomorrow's Wang) and his world renowned - and silver jumpsuit clad - Super Science Headquarters team is on the case.
 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

 Scanning the local area for any clues as to what's happening the team are surprised when the nearby Devil's Mountain explodes revealing a huge carved dragon skull cum secret base entrance from which steps the sinisterly sexy sorceress resplendent in a huge silver dragon hat and matching bikini top, thigh boots and carrying a whip in her dragon headed right hand.

I don't know why but I think she may like dragons.

Demon Princess Elizebub (or Princess Dragon Mom as the dubbed version amusingly calls her and played to thigh slapping perfection by Terry Liu, best known for her performance as the tight uniformed and knee-high booted lesbian warden Mako in Bamboo House of Dolls) for this is she, shoutily informs the team that from this day forth she is the Earth’s new master and we must either surrender and live as her playthings or be destroyed.

Well I know which I'd choose.

Even thinking about it would probably kill you.

Anyway to prove her point she unleashes her leather-clad skeleton army and assorted mutant types including a huge Plasticine monstrosity with drills for hands,, a big red pompom with horns that can fire laser beams from its arse, a tentacled plant monster, the crab suit left over from Space Amoeba and a pair of metal men with spring loaded limbs to wreak havoc and cause general mayhem around the local area, pissing in phone boxes, tying the swings around the crossbar so no-one can use them and knocking on doors before running off - you get the idea.

Helping her to organise the attack - as well as keeping everyone fed and watered -  is her second-in-command, the sultry Ms Witch-Eye (Shum from Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon), a kinda sexy space secretary cum junior despot in a cycling helmet and eyeballs in the palm of her hands that fire hypnotizing laser bolts when needed.

Which is nice.

"Eye hen!"

Is there anyone who can defeat these monsters?

Luckily in his spare time the Professor has been beavering away on a top secret project - code-named: BDX it has the ability to transform a normal human into a bionic, red latexed super-hero.

This can be achieved, he explains, by wiring the subjects arms and legs with powerful transistors and computerized parts, injecting them with a super serum and to top it off inserting a tiny nuclear reactor in their heads.

Unfortunately tho' the procedure is very painful.

Oh and may result in death.

Enter - roughly and from behind after jumping them in a dark alley - Jeff Rayma (Lee from the classic City On Fire) who eagerly volunteers to strip down to his pants and get tied to a table by a much older man in order to become the much more than human, if slightly less manly looking Infra-Man, defender of the Earth and scourge of all girl private schools everywhere.

"Put it in me!"

Cue 90 odd minutes of enough kicks and punches to make you want to sell your soul for a PaRappa the Rapper live action movie as Infra-Man and his pals battle everything from giant plant monsters whose massive foam vines attempt to smash the science base to brainwashed traitors in their midst via a bizarre subplot involving the Professor youngest daughters wish to become Infra-Woman when she's older.

And all performed by a cast of which the majority are wearing way too tight Bacofoil jumpsuits.

Here come the Belgians!

But it's not all fist fights tho' as after a couple of defeats at Infra-Man's hands, a fairly angry Elizebub sends the aforementioned brainwashed minion to steal the secrets of Infra-Man's power so that she too can build an invincible warrior prompting the Professor to upgrade our hero (nothing too fancy mind, just adding Thunderball Fists that can be launched from his wrists, alongside a deadly solar attack device that kills instantly, a 'lethal flame kick' embedded in his Cuban heels and lastly a set of mini-rockets place just above his tummy in the off-chance that anyone uses a freeze ray on him at any point - like that'll happen) in preparation for the final battle.

But whilst all this science shit is going down Elizebub has kidnapped the Professor's beautiful daughter Liu Mei-mei (the button-nosed Yuan Man-tzu from The Clones of Bruce Lee) and is threatening to kill her (to death) is the Professor doesn't surrender himself and his secrets.

Laugh now.

 As so begins a race against time (and good taste) to save not only the Professor and his daughter but humanity itself from the slender clutches of the Demon Princess Elizebub.

Will the traitor be uncovered?

Will Infra-Man lose his power when the sun is blocked out even tho' he's allegedly got a nuclear reactor embedded in his skull?

Will Demon Princess Elizebub turn back into a chicken for the stunning final battle?

Will there be a sequel? *

There's only one way to find out cos I'm not telling.

Obviously 'inspired' (you think?) by Tsuburaya Productions utterly fantastic Ultra series - even going so far as re-using Toru Fuyuki's score from Ultra Seven - as well as the daikaiju and kyodai hīro genres - still - so popular in Japan, this Shaw Brothers epic has the distinction of being not only the very first Superhero movie made in Hong Kong but the first film promoted there using a hot air balloon.

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a useful fact to know.

Brexit in a nutshell.

Confidently directed by HK cinema stalwart Hua Shan (who would later go on to give us such classic Fayre as Kung Fu Zombie, Jade Claw, Ghost Killer and Dreams of Eroticism) from a script by the prolific science fiction author and script writer Ni Kuang (responsible for, among other things, writing One-Armed Swordsman, The Assassin and Crippled Avengers as well as the Bruce Lee starrer Fist of Fury) and produced by the legendary Runme Shaw, Infra-Man works best because it unashamedly embraces it's Japanese inspirations rather than just blatantly ripping them off, even going as far as hiring Ekisu Productions - famed for their work on many a Toei superhero series - to supply the sets and monster costumes as well as designing and building Infra-Man himself which all adds a certain legitimacy to the proceedings that something like Juan Piquer Simón's 1980 superhero misfire Supersonic Man lacks plus the acting is top notch and played with eye-rolling conviction by everybody onscreen.

As a bizarre side-note, Bruce Le - who plays the brainwashed Lu Hsiao-Lung - has a cameo in Juan Piquer Simón's classic Pieces as a Kung Fu teacher with a dodgy tummy.

Tho' this coincidence may not be related to his later arrest for tax evasion.

"Put it in me!"

Talking of actors, kudos to not only the frankly fantastic Terry Liu but also to Wang Hsieh who manages to give his portrayal of Professor Liu Ying De a quiet dignity and earnest believability whilst all the time clad in a silver labcoat two sizes too small and wearing a pound shop Elvis wig and comedy beard. 

And as the eponymous hero himself Danny Lee is all bowl-haired, boys own bravado, holding his own against an evermore outlandish array of monsters or when being forced to lie naked - save for a big nappy - on a pool table whilst being injected with food colouring.

It's a job I suppose.

The Howard's Way remake looks a bit shit.

Top quality super-heroics lovingly wrapped in a big bow of brightly coloured goodness, I mean what's not to love?

Recommended.

Twice.






































*Unfortunately not.

peking duck.

Came across this on Amazon Prime t'other night and realised that although I have a copy sitting on the shelf I'd never actually watched it.

Well I have now.

Interesting eh?



The Mighty Peking Man (AKA 猩猩王, Gorilla King, Goliathon. 1977).
Dir: Ho Meng Hua.
Cast: Danny Lee, Evelyne Kraft, Feng Ku, Chen Ping, a big monkey and some other folk that I can't be arsed listing.

Action...Excitement...Spectacle beyond your wildest dreams and maybe a hint of lady breast!

After the always impressive Shaw Brother’s shower screen-based logo and the promise of some patented Shaw-Scope action our story opens at the famous Hong Kong Library of Things where besuited business bloke Lu Tien (Ku from Inframan) has gathered a group of his pals together in order to look at a newspaper featuring a photo of a footprint pertaining to belong to the prehistoric Peking Man who lives somewhere in the Himalayas.

It seems (well according to the wobbly dissolve flashback it does) that this big brute has recently destroyed a model village and a polystyrene mountain much to the chagrin of a group of black-faced extras who look equally bemused and confused as a moth-eaten ape that varies in size between shots grumpily growls whilst squashing them.

After this frighteningly realistic foray into the fury of nature we're back at the library where Lu Tien proposes that they mount an expedition (as opposed  to a wee boy) to capture the giant then get rich by giving him his own daytime TV show.

But who will lead this expedition?

Enter (roughly from behind) the greatest explorer in all Hong Kong, the Elvis haired  Johnny 'Fimbles' Feng (HK action god Lee) who as luck would have it has just fallen out with his girlfriend and is looking for something to take his mind of it.

Your dad's taking the divorce well.

Cue scratchy holiday film intercut with stock footage of animals and various beggars as by the beauty of time-lapse we can witness the entire (almost) journey to their first base camp in a matter of minutes as a fleet of ox-drawn wagons wobble and  trundle along dirt roads to an adventurous type score swells in the back and our heroes spend the time smoking fags and pointing at stuff.

On arrival our intrepid heroes discover that the village is deserted save for a huge blanket with rampaging elephants projected onto it, oh hang on I think those are actually meant to be real elephants.

It convinces the explorers tho' as they all run around shooting at random stuff whilst trying not to get squashed.

The director, quickly growing tired of all this excitement, shoos the elephants away enabling the expedition - and the film - to continue.

But not until Johnny has poured his heart out with regards to the girl he was set to marry shagging his TV director sibling Charlie which sent him careering into drink and depravity that culminated in him leading the expedition.

“You’ve got it made Johnny.” says his sexy mustached unnamed colleague, “Just grab the monster, take it back to Hong Kong and then you’ll be able to get any woman you want!”

Which is fair enough I guess.

With a knowing smile Johnny heartily agrees before telling the group it's bedtime.

What a guy.

Jackie Chan, up the casino, Wigan, 1977.....Yesch!

No sooner have the motley band of explorers had a shave 'n' shite the next morning when they're attacked by a tiger and chased into quicksand (it never rains) luckily Johnny chases the beast away but not before it's eaten one of the native bearers (rubber) legs.

Just to remind everyone that he's a wee bit of a patented bastard Lu Tien shoots the poor bloke in the face - his excuse? Well his cries of pain may attract predators.

Or maybe rats.

No time to mourn tho' as the expedition has reached the Himalayas and there's climbing to be done.

And more nameless extras to die in the name of adventure obviously.

As they - finally - reach the summit, Lu Tien, being a coward as well as being a trigger-happy bastard decides that he's bored and wants to go home.

Or at least back to his nice hotel in order to have some of 'the sex' with the local ladies.

Which is fair enough I guess.

Johnny tho' has other ideas (he's read the script) and excitedly rallies the remaining explorers who head further into the jungle where they catch glimpse of a semi-nude blonde cavorting thru the trees.

Giving chase the merry band soon come across a giant footprint that they assume belongs to the fabled (mighty) Peking Man so decide to set up camp for the night right next to it in the hope that he may return.

Unfortunately that evening Lu Tien bribes the surviving party members with a secret stash of Opal Fruits and persuades them to return to the hotel with him leaving poor Johnny alone without food or water.

Awaking suddenly the next morn to find himself totally alone with only an empty Pot Noodle container and a crumpled pile of stiff tissues for company, Johnny decides to cheer himself up by going for a walk across the studio backlot - sorry thru the jungle where suddenly, out of the blue a giant gorilla arm appears and picks him up before depositing him at the feet of  a smooth, milky thighed blonde (Kraft) clad only in a tiny leather bikini.

Kraft: Cheese.

Speaking in a strange jungle tongue (which sounds a wee bit like she's from Lower Gornal if I'm honest) our (shammy) leather clad lovely persuades the big monkey not to squash (or fuck) Johnny but instead to carry him to her bachelorette love cave where after some sexy fruit eating a whirlwind romance (featuring scenes of Kraft spinning cheetahs around her head till they're sick alongside shots of her amusingly getting elephants to give Johnny a trunk job and the like all cut to a bright and breezy 70s J-Pop ditty) begins 'tween the pair.

But it's not all fun and games (seriously I don't think it'll ever get that far) as we're soon into tragic backstory territory as one sunny afternoon the pair come across the wreckage of an airplane in a clearing in the trees - behind the bins obviously - and the merest sight of this (and the two papermache skeletons in the cockpit) causes our blonde beauty to start sobbing and wailing whilst randomly pointing at the bony pair screaming "PAPA! MAMA! BURNY! BURNY! BANG! BANG! WEEEEEEEEE!"

Scrabbling thru the corpses pockets for loose change Johnny finds a crumpled photograph of what he assumes to be the jungle girl as a child alongside her parents which prompts her to start dribbling into her cleavage and waving her arms about as she attempts to convey the sorry tale of how she arrived in the jungle.

It appears that when her family were flying back from the local Asda one weekend that a terrible (as in badly matted) storm caused their plane to crash.

She was thrown clear - as opposed to tossed off obviously) before it was engulfed by flames and the next morn discovered by the Mighty Peking Man who adopted her.

Seems legit.

Having one last rummage thru' the wreckage for any unopened beers or bags of  crisps Johnny finds a diary that reveals the fact that her name is actually Samantha.

And on that bombshell the pair return to frolicking thru' the trees to a sexy samba beat.

"Oh look....somewhere to park my bike!"

The fun and happiness doesn't last long tho' as when Samantha (as we'll now call her as it's much quicker to type than 'flaxen haired jungle Jane' or 'milky thighed bombshell') sits down on a convenient rock to have a quick snack a deadly Cobra slithers up her leg and bites her inner thigh leaving Johnny no other option than to bury his head 'tween her legs and start sucking.

Which lets be honest is nice work if you can get it.

Luckily a nearby elephant picks up Samantha and carries her off to her cave where Johnny can continue his fantastic first aid technique in more comfortable surroundings.

Meanwhile back in civilization Lu Tien is busying himself touching up local prostitutes in the hotel swimming pool just to remind us that he's a bad 'un whilst at the cave Samantha is quickly recovering and as a thank you to Johnny for saving her life she stumbles into his arms for a wee kiss followed by a bit of bedroom action as the big monkey watches from outside living up to his name of the mighty peeking man.

Sorry.

Fancy trainers not shown.

All these jungle hi-jinks (and long lingering slo-mo shots of Samantha's smooth undulating breasts) can't carry on forever tho' and soon Johnny is yearning for the bright lights of the big city and scarily manages to persuade saucy Sam that they should head back to Hong Kong and take the (Mighty) Peking Man with them.

With Samantha now utterly enslaved by Johnny's cock (well she's only flesh and blood) she excitedly agrees and the trio head off to India where they can hitch a ride to Hong Kong thanks to Lu Tien and his huge freighter.

And yes they do all do appear to have forgotten that he's a bad man.

Thanks to some stunning model work (and someones bathtub) we're off on the high seas where the Mighty Peking Man is having a wet old time being chained to the deck of a freighter during a storm as a soggy Samantha looks on.

And if that wasn't a metaphor for BREXIT I don't know what is.

Luckily Johnny has bought her a (very) little present to cheer her up and fit in when they arrive in Hong Kong, unfortunately it appears that he wants her to fit in to the red light district seeing as the gift consists of a teeny tiny pair of leather hot pants and a basque.

Classy.

Being a modern free-thinking woman tho' Samantha throws the outfit away before falling back onto her bunk in all her naked glory to drift into sleep thinking about big hairy hands and bananas.

Class.

With the movie almost over we're soon in Hong Kong where crowds of (fairly) excited extras are randomly pointing at where the FX team will hopefully superimpose the Mighty Peking Man and his model boat at some point but whilst we're waiting for that  there's just enough time for Johnny to check in on his brother Charlie at the TV station.

After a quick chat Johnny realises that his brother wasn't to blame for the previous infidelity and that it was all the fault of his whorish girlfriend and with that Johnny and Samantha settle down to watch the recording of the Honk Kong equivalent of The Mini-Pops.

Phew glad that's sorted.

Whilst they're enjoying the sight of a pre-pubescent girl miming to The Spice Girls hit Wannabe who should enter the studio but Johnny’s ex-fiancé Lucy (Ping from Da lao qian, Big Bad Sis and Feng kuang da ben zei) who sneakily passes him a note to meet her in her dressing room.

Johnny leaps up and goes to see her where she begs him to take her back and Johnny -being stupid - passionately kisses her just as Samantha walks in.

Heartbroken Samantha runs off into the city (a veritable concrete jungle if you will) and Johnny gives chase.

Unfortunately he keeps tripping over his erection and soon loses sight of her.

"Look at me! I'm from Cradley Heath!"

Meanwhile the poor Peking Man is having a pretty shite time of it himself, chained as he is to a huge pole whilst overweight Chinese folk throw fruit at him as he attempts to juggle a couple of Tonka toys.

Catching a glimpse of these woeful shenanigans on a shop front TV, Samantha bursts into tears before persuading a couple of British tourists to drive her to the stadium where her monkey mate is performing.

She arrives just in time to catch his keepers amusing themselves by trying to push their brooms up his arse so desperately looks for anyone who can help.

Unfortunately for her the person in charge is Lu Tien and never one to not take advantage of a situation invites Samantha back to his office to 'discuss' the matter.

Taking a fairly sinister and totally unnecessary turn, Lu Tien is soon forcing alcohol into Samantha's mouth whilst pawing at her breasts with his chubby sausage fingers as she struggles to break free, finally pulling back the (non beef) curtains allowing the Peking Man to see her plight.

Understandably enraged he breaks free and heads over to the office as a terrified Lu Tien bundles Samantha into the back of his car in the hope of finding a nearby hotel where he can continue his monstrous molestation.

Ping Chen: Hairy back and arse.

Cue ten minutes of cut-price Kaiju style action as the Peking Man stomps on cars and pisses up a couple of cardboard buildings as he attempts to save Samantha from Lu Tien's rancid uncut cock.

Whilst all this pound shop destruction is going down the local (British natch) military have launched a counter-attack and ordered their entire (toy) tank squad to hunt down the beast and destroy him but luckily Johnny nd points out that Samantha can control the Peking Man and probably get him to stop smashing stuff so an APB is sent out to find Samantha who as we know is currently pinned face down on a bed as Lu Tien clumsily fiddles with his flies as he attempts to not prematurely fire his man muck over her peachy arse.

Luckily for Samantha (and her virgin ring) just as leery Lu Tien is about to unleash his engorged member the Peking Man pops his hand thru' the window and grabs him, waving him about before dropping the pervy ponce on the concrete and finally stepping on him.

Result.

Peow!

As Johnny desperately searches for Samantha and Samantha runs around the city in her pants the Peking Man amuses himself by stepping on, well everything really before climbing to the top of a skyscraper and baring his arse at the army helicopters.

Reckoning that a poorly aimed monkey fart could send him toppling down the army decide to fill the roof with petrol and set light to it so to this end send a crack squad to the roof.

Down below Samantha and Johnny are finally reunited and race to the frontline in the hope of convincing the head army man to order a cease-fire so they can head to the roof themselves and calm the Peking Man down.

Army man agrees but as our terrific twosome journey upwards the military are already planning to kill the Peking man.

And anyone who gets in their way..... 

Words!

From the prolific Shaw Brothers directorial mainstay Ho Meng Hua comes this Hong Kong/King Kong mash-up that was all set to rival not only the original King Kong but Dino De Laurentiis' Kong remake at the box office.

Until that is they discovered that it takes more than a couple of tin tanks, an old fur coat and a Swiss bombshell not afraid to furtively flash her nipples to make a classic monster movie.

And no, basing the female leads outfit on the one Marion Michael (barely) wore in Liane, das Mädchen aus dem Urwald doesn't count either.

And if I'm honest it only makes you feel guilty for remembering how obsessed you were with her as a teen.

Michael: Barry more.

It's not all bad tho'

I mean any movie that features HK action icon Danny Lee fighting stuffed leopards and shooting elephants can't be all that bad plus Evelyne Kraft manages to pull of the whole jungle virgin shtick with aplomb whilst wearing what looks like a leather duster on her arse whilst Feng Ku makes a great panto style villain - until the unnecessary attempted rape that is, a scene that's as unwanted as it is uncomfortable in what until this point has been a pretty straightforward boys own adventure.

Albeit one with a veritable feast of nipple slips.

Meng Hua Ho's direction is pretty solid - if a little point and shoot - whilst the score (credited to Yung-Yu Chen) is mainly made up of classic De Wolfe library tracks alongside copious amounts of Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich which give it an air of - threadbare - elegance.

Or laziness when it comes to the soundtrack, you decide.

Kraft: Slices.

Easily as entertaining as it's stablemates - the South Korean-American co-production A.P.E. (1976) and the Italian monster mash-up Yeti: Giant Of The 20th Century (1977) and scarily slightly better budgeted, The Mighty Peking Man is a perfect Friday night cheese feast of a film for anyone who enjoys a good monster movie or just enjoys seeing hunky Chinese guys topless.

Recommended,

leathery balls.

I sometimes get emails complaining that there isn't enough sport featured on this blog.

Or girls with massive chins.

But mainly it's folk just wishing me dead.

Or things like this:

Which is nice.

So with everyone gripped by 'the World Cup fever' as they say I reckoned now would be the time to jump on that bandwagon and hopefully get some new readers/sponsorship/money.

I can but dream.

So as all you 'soccer' fans say:

"Come on the reds!"

Or something.

Sing gum zhook kao (AKA Sexy Soccer, 2004)
Dir: Sik Hok Min (Yup, that's right - THE Sik Hok Min)
Cast: Au Yeung, Carmen Yeung and lots of other people but I've discovered that no-one actually reads the cast list bit, they go straight to the movie poster that's usually right below.

Professional sleazy guy Terry Rolando (Yeung, probably) is having a wee bit of bad luck culminating with a run in with the local loan shark.

You see he'd made a huge bet on his fave team winning the football championship cup (or something....as you can probably tell, I'm not really the sporty type) but guess what?

Yup, they lost.

Feeling generous the loan shark decides against cutting his throat and instead offers him one last chance to come up with the cash.

With no idea as to what he could do to raise the money Rolando decides to go watch a football match to get a wee bit of inspiration.

It's there that whilst enjoying the game his eyes are draw to a brash n' busty jogger bouncing by him at half time.

Rolando sees this as a message from God telling him to form an all female football team (named Friendly Balls) to compete against the all male squads, with the ladies uses their 'sexy bodies' to distract the testosterone fueled male players.

How this would work is never fully explained (much the same way as the loan shark storyline never re-appears) but, we've been promised scantily clad and sexy girls playing football so let's stick with it and see if it delivers.

Same shit....different smell.

Anyway back to the plot (which I will cover quickly so I can eradicate any memory of this film from my head), everything starts swimmingly with much training footage of girls jogging in tiny shorts and shots of sweaty ladies jumping on the spot as Rolando's plan seems to be foolproof enough for him to actually have a chance of winning whatever he's meant to win (I don't really care).

Unfortunately his arch rival Dennis gets wind of his plan and has a secret weapon of his own....

You see, he's secretly been training a team of homosexualists to play against the ladies in the final.

The rotter!

When all seems lost tho' our hero comes up with his greatest plan yet.

Remembering that 'the gays' like arse he gets all the ladies to flash their bum cheeks at them, instantly curing them of their gayness and thus enabling the girls to win.

Gary Lineker and your mum.

Effectively that's it as far as the movies plot goes, with half of the film being a shameful excuse to see a handful of fairly unattractive young ladies with bored looks on their faces (and one with a chin like an ironing board) prancing around in tight tops and tiny seventies style shorts wiggling and jiggling like they're have a stroke.

But not in a good way like when Helen Robinson had hers in Neighbours.

What he said.

The remainder of this epic consists of endless scenes of Rolando (dressed like your dad) having sex with the team ( either in reality or 'hilarious' dream sequences) in the most disturbing scenes in cinema since Harvey Keitel cracked one off over that car door in The Bad Lieutenant'.

True there's and almost obscene amount of nudity (plus sex scenes that border on hardcore) but it's a bit like watching a video of your parents having sex.

In your bed.

And trust me on this when I tell you that's not a nice feeling.

No idea if she's in the movie but this picture came up when I was searching for the poster so thought it'd be a shame if I didn't share it.

Saying that tho' at least Harvey looked like he was enjoying himself (as did my folks), Yeung on the other hand keeps pulling comedy 'cum' faces whilst making grabbing actions toward the unfortunate actresses breasts.

For Minutes at a time we're subjected to this in extreme close-up, it's almost as if he's possessed your teevee and is desperately trying to escape to do bad things to you.

And your mum.

And your mum's dog.

Twice.

I will admit that the film does have a few stand out moments, mainly showcasing the total ineptitude of those involved, including a fantastic bit in which one of the team actually stops speaking to look off-camera at the director for reassurance before continuing the scene.

Buy this film now and see how many you can spot.

It'd be much easier than trying to spot any of the films promised 'sexy' moments.

They can't be arsed why should I?

Market to us foreign devils as a kinky version of the classic Steven Chow comedy Shaolin Soccer, this is more Benny Hill than Jimmy Hill, replacing the formers knockabout comedy, musical numbers and martial arts mayhem with copious amounts of spotty arses, crap Cosby sweaters and a plethora of frankly arse numbing sexual shenanigans that only seem exist in order to pad out the movie's meager running time.

Worth it if you're bored to a point of suicide, find horse faced Chinese girls attractive or if you don't have a girlfriend.

Or like football obviously.

golden shot.

No I haven't forgotten you all just been busy working*, sleeping and doing bizarre real-life stuff like writing about Autism.

Anyway I picked this beauty up as part of a Sonny Chiba box set (packaged alongside The Bullet Train and GI Samurai) from our local charity shop the other day for a bargainous £3 as I'd realised that I didn't actually have a copy.

Well I did once but that was on VHS.

And it was about 25 years ago.

Honestly that story sounded much more interesting in my head.

Sonny Chiba up a tree....kay eye cee kay eye en gee a man in the throat. Sorry, that caption is really, really shit.

Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon (AKA Golgo 13, ゴルゴ13 九竜の首 Gorugo Sātīn Kûron no kubi, 1977).
Dir: Yukio Noda.
Cast: Sonny Chiba, Callan Leung, Etsuko Shihomi, Chi-Chung Lee, Jerry Ito, Lai Dut, Dana Shum and loads of other folk that you can find online if you're really bothered, I mean I bet you don't even read this bit - you go straight to see if there's any nude pics.

Somewhere off the coast of Miami, sharp-suited drug lord Barry Badman has hired the infamous Action Man haired assassin Golgo 13 (Chiba...nuff said) to 'take out' one of the mob who's been discovered stealing cash and chocolate biscuits from the drug gang clubhouse.

Offering our (anti) hero $150,000 and a family sized packet of Hobnobs in return for killing 'The Kingpin'.

But not this one obviously.

Without further ado Golgo heads off to Hong Kong but not before shooting a couple of the drug bosses henchmen in the head - and off a balcony - for a laugh.

Actually come to think of it that would technically class as further ado really wouldn't it?

Anyway it's in Hong Kong where we (the audience) meet the character who will be cast as Golgo's nemesis for the next 90 odd minutes, the dashing detective Robert 'Smithy' Smith (not his real name) - played to sweaty perfection by Callan Leung - a straight down the line cop obsessed with taking down the Kingpin himself.

We know this as there's a helpful montage showing him roughing up a variety of small time drug dealers and raiding exotic dance clubs.

Which is nice work if you can get it.

Shit....(Far) East 17 have let themselves go.

It's at one such dance club that we finally get to meet the notorious Kingpin as well as give the cameraman a chance to have a wee cheeky lingering look at the laydees who work there.

Which tonight includes a cutsey tomboy chucking knifes at some poor extra in a glittery bra tied to a plank of wood.

And who says that Hong Kong wasn't more cuultured under British rule?

Surprisingly it turns out that the knife thrower is actually an undercover cop named Larry Lam (the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi from Sister Street Fighter) who after months of working at the club - as well as at the local holiday camp judging the nobbly knees contest - has managed to plant a listening device in the Kingpins office where she (over)hears him discussing the arrival of the latest shipment of drugs.

Following him to an old rubber factory she sneaks in to find a fully functioning cocaine lab (or is it a secret lemonade factory? - I can never tell) and quickly leaves to radio for help, unfortunately she's shot and roughly grabbed by the bad boys who decided to use her as a novelty wall ornament, hanging her - as is their want - to a wall before flicking fags, salted peanuts and lit matches at her smooth tummy.

Bastards.

"He did what in his cup?"

Luckily some kids playing near the rubber factory come across her discarded radio and inform the police who rush to the scene guns a-blazing and flairs a-flapping.

Except those wearing snazzy 'colonial' police shorts and long socks - of which there are a frightening amount - obviously.

Unfortunately poor Lam is killed in the crossfire and the building explodes leaving Smith red faced and bare arsed, the Kingpin off the hook and me confused as to the flammability of rubber.

With this explosive action sequence out of the way it's back to the main plot where we discover that the Kingpin is working alongside an evil diplomat named Ronan Polanski from the Peranian Republic in order to smuggle nasty drugs into Hong Kong via his diplomatic bags.

And most probably up his still peachy arse.

Polanski (Ito) it seems is even more of a rotter than the Kingpin, for not only is he dealing the drugs but he's also shagging the Kingpin's missus whilst planning to sell out absolutely everyone to the witch-hunting FBI in exchange for protection, a new identity and a big TeeVee.

What a complete bastard.

Somewhere to park your bike at least.

With both action sequence delivered and all the important plot points explained it's time to get back to Golgo 13, who on arrival in Hong Kong checks into a swanky hotel under the fan-pleasing moniker of  "Duke Togo" before building his super sniper rifle which he had mailed to him in a series of  wooden crate marked "drilling supplies" like some nightmarish DeAgostini partwork.

Unlike DeAgostini tho' all the packages come at once (just like your mum and sister - or so your uncle Jim says) (who knew it was that easy?) so he hasn't got to wait around for 2 years spending hundreds of pounds only to find a bit missing.

Even the office comes flat-packed.

With his unpacking done and with time to kill (as opposed to bad guys) Golgo/Duke heads out to the Kingpin's nightclub to gather information, sitting in a darkened corner booth and mysteriously whilst checking out the local talent and having a few drinks obviously.

It's whilst he's there that our hero comes across (not in that way which I'll admit is surprising for a Japanese movie) Polanski's moppet daughter who takes a shine to Golgo and refers to him as 'The Dragon Man'.

Which is nice.

Maybe he'll see some good in Polanski later or spare his life for his daughter?

Nah, the film-makers will probably forget all about this caring side to him and have Golgo shoot Polanski in the face whilst his daughter sits on his lap during a daring helicopter escape at the films climax.

Who knows?

It's not all product placement whiskey drinking, stroking weans on the head and long lingering looks at Mrs Kingpin tho, as on the way back to his hotel Golgo happens across a disgruntled prostitute in the middle of an argument with her pimp who she shoots dead.

Hang on is this Hong Kong or Dudley?

Taking pity on the poor woman, our hero holds her tightly as the police arrive and tells them that they were having a wee cuddle in the alley when a bad man ran by and shot the pimp, luckily the police (including Smith) believe Golgo and head off in pursuit.

The night's excitement isn't over yet tho' for as Golgo is walking the woman back to her boat eight of the pimps pals appear from nowhere with the intention of giving our hero a bloody good kicking.

Have they not seen The Street Fighter?

Obviously not as Golgo almost immediately kills five of them (and that's just by staring at them harshly) before putting two others in hospital and administering a severe kicking to the others arse.

Suffice to say it's all over in a flash and he's soon waving the woman (whom we'll call Brenda) off before heading back to his hotel to clean the shit off his shoes.

Eye son.

Golgo wakes bright and early the next morn as he prepares for 'the hit' (remember? the reason he's actually in Hong Kong), taking up position overlooking the swimming pool where the Kingpin is getting an award for something or other but mere seconds before he squeezes the trigger, someone else shoots the Kingpin dead.

Annoyed at the thought of someone stealing his thunder Golgo heads off to see his old mentor One-Eyed Ralph Jenkins**, an ex-assassin who now runs a fish and chip shop in Sham Shui Po.

Jenkins warns Golgo to be careful as Assassinating is a young mans game and there will always be someone vying for your job.

A wee bit like blogging then.

But without copious amounts of sexy Oriental babes throwing themselves at you obviously.

Obsessed with discovering the identity of the killer (tho' fuck knows why I mean he'll still get paid) Golgo heads back to the bar to pump Mrs Kingpin for information.

And by that I mean have sex with.

Turns out that the whole thing was planned by Polanski and that Mrs Kingpin had hoped that Golgo would turn up so she could kill him too.

But our hero is on to the whole scheme and no sooner has he shot his muck over her ample arse he's fired an altogether more lethal load on her face.

And by lethal load I mean bullets.

Well one bullet.

But by face I do actually mean her face.

So that's OK then.

Put it in me!

Aware that Golgo is on his trail, Polanski hightails it to Japan to meet  the FBI with Golgo in hot(tish) pursuit.

And by that I mean actually on the same plane, which gives him ample opportunity to continue 'bonding' with Polanski's poppet princess.

By some bizarre stroke of luck 'Smithy' Smith is also on the plane, partly to visit his cute as a button sister Angela - who's studying in Kyoto - but mainly to follow Golgo and Polanski for some reason.

Maybe he fancies a threesome?

I know I would.

Anyway upon landing Golgo sneakily follows Polanski around all the tourist spots before recording his entire FBI-based conversation on a sexy Sony HandyCam camcorder he just happened to have in his pocket.

Whilst all this surveillance stuff is going down Smithy has been busy chatting to the local police in the hope of finding any dirt on either Polanski or Golgo (apart from all the killings obviously) but due to the formers diplomatic immunity and Golgo's sexy hair he discovers that he can't arrest either of them.

Not even a wee bit.

I blame Brexit myself.

Down but not out Smithy decides to follow Golgo anyway but not before having lunch with his sis and taking a trip on the bullet train, which nicely ties in with director Junya Satō's The Bullet Train ((新幹線大爆破, Shinkansen Daibakuha) which also features in this boxset and is said to be the inspiration for Speed.

The film that is not the drug.

Phew glad that's cleared up.

"Slate and Vera Lynn?"

After all this touristy stuff Smithy soon locates Golgo at his hotel and tries perform a citizens arrest only to be informed that he has no jurisdiction in Japan and that anyway Golgo could take him with one hand tie behind his back.

And another up an Emu's arse.

It's not too surprising then that fisticuffs ensue that leave Smithy looking a wee bit disheveled and Golgo free to continue following Polanski - who is, as we speak, flying back to Hong Kong where he quickly informs the police that Duke/Golgo are one in the same.

"Pull my finger!"

With the police desperately hunting Golgo thru' Kowloon's market district, our hero jumps from bus roof to telegraph pole in order to evade them and lose his pistol before they catch him (it appears that it was illegal for notorious hitmen to carry guns in 70s Hong Kong....who knew?) so it's pretty lucky when he bumps into Brenda (you remember the prostitute he saved earlier) who grabs his weapon and quickly hides it up her arse just as Smithy and co. grab him by the boondocks.

Roughly taken up the station and tied to a chair Golgo is given the full bad cop/badder cop shiny lampface treatment before the cops realise that they have fuck all on him and may get into trouble for basically duffing up a tourist.

And with this they let him go.

Heading back to his hotel to prepare for the hit (well you have to admit for a film about a crack assassin there's been precious little assassinating - cracked or otherwise) Golgo notices an abandoned construction site and being a fan of Liebherr Tower Cranes goes in to investigate.

Unfortunately a gang of Polanski's hired thugs are lying in wait (or to be more precise sitting in a digger) and attack him.

Golgo, being hard as nails, easily beats the bad men to a pulp (not even their high-viz jackets and safety goggles can save them) but as he's impaling their ringleader on a splintered chairleg he's shot in the leg ruining the cut of his immaculate white suit.

Needing medical attention but unable to go to a hospital (again for reasons), Golgo collapses in the mud only to be found by Brenda who carries him back to her houseboat, tends his wounds and has 'the sex' with him.

Stitched up, sexed up and refreshed after a few days of sweaty water-based passion Golgo quietly leaves the love nest to prepare for the showdown with Polanski, leaving Brenda a necklace (but thankfully not a pearl one) as a thank you.

"Peow!"

Ever increasingly worried that it's nearly the end of the film and Golgo hasn't made an attempt on his life yet, Polanski heads off to a highly fortified island off the Chinese coast where the FBI have set up a safe house that's not only monitored by dozens of cardboard box-like closed-circuit TV cameras but protected by a squad of hired goons with big guns.


Smithy deciding that sailing out to the island with a gung-ho war party is less likely to cause a diplomatic incident than just, you know giving all the evidence he's amassed on Polanski to his superiors and taking it from their storms the beach with all guns blazing whilst Polanski orders his FBI handler to take a motorboat to the mainland in the hope that the police - thinking it's the dirty diplomat will follow him.

Sounds legit.

Who am I to argue tho' as this seems to do the trick because no sooner have Smithy and co. caught up with the boat than a helicopter appears overhead to pick up Polanski and his daughter.

But where is Golgo? I hear you cry.

Well by this point, our hero has swum onto the beach and free-climbed up the side of a sheer cliff face, where he now waits, swinging from an assassins hammock tenderly stroking massive weapon.

As the helicopter flies overhead taking Polanski to freedom Golgo takes aim and fires, hitting Polanski right between the eyes, his daughter watching in horror as his limp, lifeless body crashes into the water, his notebook detailing all the dodgy drug deals in Hong Kong lying in the water ready to be collected by Smithy.

All kinds of everything remind me of you.

As Golgo goes to the airport to fly home the obsessed copper is waiting for him to give him a goodbye punch in the face and a stern "Don't come back!" talking to.

Which is a wee bit shit seeing as if it wasn't for him Polanski would still be dealing drugs to 'ver kids' and Smithy would never have smashed the dealers ring (ooeerr) but that's the police for you.

Photoshop.

The great-granddad of every John Woo/Chow Yun Fat movie ever made (especially The Killer), Yukio (Zero Woman Red Handcuffs, Yakuza Deka and he Soul of Bruce Lee - AKA Soul of Chiba - amongst others) Noda's Manga adaptation of Takao Saito's manga classic Golgo 13:  is a low budget, batshittly baffling no-brainer that happily coasts by on the charisma of it's lead actor and an outrageous sense of fun.

The second attempt to bring the classic comic book character to the screen (after the little seen - outside Japan that is - 1973 Ken Takakura starrer) forgoes the gritty Yakuza-style realism of the first movie, replacing it (alongside half-decent direction and plot) instead with lots of long, lingering shots of action legend Chiba frowning whilst polishing a big gun.

Which frankly is enough for me to elevate this film to classic status.

"You ain't seen me right?" - Beyond our Ken.

Luckily for everyone else there are a couple of other good performances on show too, including a top turn from Callan Leung who'd already carved out a career playing determined police types and the fantastic Etsuko Shihomi as undercover cop Lam.

A member of Chiba's famous Japan Action Club (a training school set up by the actor for aspiring martial arts film actors and stunt performers), Shihomi was one of Chiba's most successful students, going on to appear in four Sister Streetfighter movies as well as the adventure classic Shogun's Ninja again alongside Chiba as well as future Hollywood star Hiroyuki Sanada.

With so much talent on show it's a pity then that a better director couldn't be found.

I mean Noda is workman-like and Chiba obviously enjoyed working with him (they did make Soul Of Chiba and Yakuza Deka together too) but a film of this size and scale needs a more bombastic eye and sense of style as without the natural charisma and genuine big screen appeal of its star Golgo 13 would be just another run of the mill country-hopping crime caper.

It's still a top piece of entertainment tho'.

*On illustrations for a great new book on the fantastic femmes of film 'Velvet Glove, Iron Fist - available July.....buy it please as I need new shoes.

**I may have made some of these names up after realising I'd forgotten to make a note of the characters. Sorry.

wong turn.

It's day 20 of the annual 31 days of horrorthon and time methinks for a wee bit of Anthony Wong style wacked out wickedness.

Plus I first reviewed this about 10 years ago and according to the blog stats only 8 people read it.

Bastards.

Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome 1996)
Dir: Herman Yau.
Cast: Anthony Wong, Yeung Ming Wan, Fui-On Shing, Wong Tsui-ling, Miu-Ying Chan and Meng Lo.

In the back room of a fashionable Hong Kong restaurant, Kai (king of the bad guys and HK's answer to Eric Roberts Wong), ne'er do well employee and general sleazy man spends his off work hours shagging his boss's sexy wife over the uncooked shrimp whilst sweating a fair bit and grunting loudly.

In Cantonese of course.

It's not too surprising tho' that before long his boss has caught kinky Kai red handed - well bare arsed - with his trousers round his ankles and his cock in his missis.

In case you're wondering, her arse is in the egg noodles causing all sorts of health and safety problems.

Gordon Ramsay would have a field day.

And probably a quick reach-around.

Like any normal jealous hubbie in the same situation, big boss man administers a severe beating upon the Kai whilst angrily shouting at his unfaithful spouse.

Again in Cantonese.

However, after about the fifth kick to the nads and general pointy fingeredness, Kai goes completely mental killing his boss and then his bosses wife in a pot noodle of blood and sweat, leaving only their young (Cantonese speaking obviously) daughter alive.

Wife Swap with Rose West went horribly wrong....

Coming to his senses (as opposed to over the corpses which we were expecting) Kai decides the best course of action would be to quickly leg it out of Hong Kong and try to start a new, quieter and dead body free life somewhere else.

Grabbing his passport and kiss me quick hat he reckons the best place to lay low would be sunny South Africa.

"Call that a pizza? It's more like a pizzashite! Disgusting....I'm closing you down....Chef! etc."

Thru' the power of wobbly dissolves we jump forward ten years to find that Kai has carved out (tho' not literally) a nice life for himself, working in another restaurant, the Kurried Kaffa and filling his days off by masturbating with sides of beef whilst watching his new boss Terry and his wife shagging on the tables.

Well at least he's not killed anyone else.

Yet.

Wallace and Torode - they've got something to put in you.

All good things must come to an end tho' and after missing out on a place in the Master Chef finals and the failure of his apartheid themed Nelson Mandelicatessen, the pair desperately search for a way to keep the business from going bankrupt.

Enter (but obviously not roughly from behind) local Farmer Barney Moe who, it turns out is making a roaring trade selling cheap pig meat out the back of a van in the nearby village of Spent.

Overjoyed by the prospect of saving some cash Kai and Terry decide to hit the road and head into the great outdoors for a nice picnic and the chance to buy some inexpensive meat product for use in the restaurant's best selling hamburgers safe in the knowledge that no-one will be able to tell the difference.

Unfortunately on arrival they discover that the entire village is suffering from the infamous Ebola virus.

How's yer luck?

Grabbing their hankies and quickly covering their mouths our intrepid duo complete the purchase without incident (or anal bleeding) and beat a hasty retreat back to the car.

Surprisingly given the circumstances, everything is going swimmingly until that is they happen upon a woman lying prone in the grass and having a seizure.

Either that or she's a Gregory's Girl fan.

Kai, hypnotized by the unfortunate woman's (admittedly bouncy) breasts stands and stares for what seems like an eternity before snapping back to reality and doing what any red blooded sexual deviant would do in that situation, namely running over to give them a bloody good squeeze with his big meaty sausage fingers before unleashing his throbbing member and sticking it in her.

The romantic devil.

And before you can say 'Jingle jangle jewelery!" Kai is pulling a truly terrifying cum face whilst the woman spews up a mixture of blood and warm milk before letting out a massive fart and dying.

"Oooh Vic...I've fallen".

As you can probably guess, the conversation on the way home is a wee bit stilted and when finally arriving back at the restaurant both Kai and Terry decide to never mention the incident again.

A kind of 'what stains in Vegas stays in Vegas' deal.

Which would probably be OK if only poor old Kai hadn't developed a fever (and an embarrassing itch) within hours of his return.

Terry persuades him to visit his local GP who immediately recognizes that Kai is showing the symptoms of Ebola.

Which isn't that much of a surprise if I'm honest.

Luckily Kai's doctor is up to date with the latest research and prescribes plenty of bed rest and weak lemon drinks for our unlucky pal.

Oh yes and absolutely no raping.

Of people or meat products for at least a fortnight.

Bizarrely enough tho' this course of action actually works and within days his fever (tho' not the itch) has all but gone and Kai begins to feel better than he has for years.

And how does our horny hero decide to celebrate his new found lease of life?

Why by raping and murdering Terry's wife of course.

But not before bludgeoning Terry to death with a leg of lamb.

And can you guess how Kai decides to dispose of the bodies?

Yup in a masterstroke of unhinged genius our mentalist mate begins to sell a new dish, African Buns, thru' the restaurant.

And (as if you hadn't guessed) African Buns are (albeit very tasty) hamburgers made out of the by now Ebola infected folk that Kai has killed.

Hmmm.....I reckon this could cause a few problems if not a spike in toilet roll sales.

Translation: "Shite in mah mooth!"

Indeed, it's not long before a large proportion of the populace of Johannesburg are writhing about on the floor foaming at the mouth and pissing blood and it's all thanks to Kai and his tainted meat.

Understandably worried about how this could affect his business and career opportunities Kai is left with no choice but to sell up the restaurant and head back to Hong Kong on the next available flight in the hope of at least getting a part-time job in McDonalds.

You think that wee boy looks happy now? Well just wait till the fucking starts.

As luck - and totally non realistic storytelling would have it -  he boards the plane to HK with absolutely no problems, enjoying a slap up meal and three whole bags of peanuts on his way back.

He's so relieved he doesn't even attempt to fuck any of the other passengers to death during the inflight movie.

Not even the ones that look like they deserve it.

But you know his run of good luck can't last and sure enough who should he bump into as he's collecting his baggage?

Why only Maisie, the daughter of the couple he killed ten years earlier.

What are the chances of that?

Being a model citizen - and having a really good memory -  she rushes to tell the local authorities but much to her dismay they send her packing thinking she's imagined it.

As if the police would ever ignore evidence of abuse?

With no alternative but to take the law into her own (very delicate) hands Maisie decides to follow Kai, making sure to write down everything she finds out in a little pink Hello Kitty diary.

This is a good plan for a variety of reasons, firstly it means she has evidence to back up her claims and secondly but more importantly it means we are treated to loads of montage shots of Kai abusing prostitutes and wanking into peoples underwear drawers.

Which, if I'm honest is what cinema is all about.

Emma Watson was beginning to regret taking a cameo role in Brucie: The Early Years.

Discovering the whereabouts of his new apartment, Maisie decides to confront Kai in the hope that he'll give himself up but this only angers the munching mentalist who then proceeds to try and cut Maisie’s tongue out with a pair of blunt nail scissors.

Which shows he's nothing if not consistent.

It wont come as too much of a shock when I say that Maisie isn't really into this and a scuffle ensues culminating in our heroine biting Kai and running away into the night leaving him to carrying on doing his thing.

Or should that be doing things with his thing?

"Fiona! where's mah lunch?"

And as we've gathered his thing involves a few (well a lot) more killings, loads of sexual shenanigans, a couple more murders and a little bit more shagging.

Really I don't want to spoil it for you.

Sanity soon prevails tho' and the police finally decide (after much poking and prodding) that this Kai bloke is possibly a wee bit loony and that maybe, just maybe they should really bring him in for questioning.

"I'll give you five English pounds for a shot at Nick Berry's mooth!"

On paper this looks like a good idea but in reality sending the HK equivalent of Nick Berry from Heartbeat probably wasn't the best way to go.

When the officer (well wee boy) turns up to ask him a few things (just minor stuff like "Are you an Ebola infected multiple murderer with a penchant for shagging bits of meat?") Kai loses the plot even more than normal (which is a sight to behold) and escapes into the busy city streets.

But not before taking a cute wee Chinese a girl hostage and daring the police to shoot him, risking his blood infecting everyone in the surrounding area.

Which begs the question of what they were planning to shoot him with?

A rocket launcher?

Devo and DLT always enjoyed their

weekly game of 'What's the Time Mr. Wolf?'

With the police either too scared - or too busy - to risk anything Kai is almost home free until that is the small girl ruins everything (as girls do) by starting to cry for her mum, Kai reacts as any meat obsessed murderer would and shoots her in the face before running (like a girl himself I must admit) thru' the busy streets spitting on passers by and hollering "I have Ebola and now so do you!" 

Which is nice.

"Ladies and gentlemen...live on stage...5ive!"

Will Kai be captured before he infects the world?

Will Maisie turn up again or has she disappeared completely from the film due to her refusing to do nudity?

And will I ever recover from seeing the great Anthony Wong slaughtering a frog in extreme close-up?

The infamous Mr. Sausage Fingers was dismayed

to discover that The Cheeky Girls would

never reveal the whereabouts of his car keys.

On paper Ebola Syndrome sounds as if it should possibly be one of the most offensive films ever conceived, from it's tragedy exploiting plot thru' to the constant on screen barrage of murder, sexual violence, swearing, more sexual violence, child murders and gore.

But bizarrely enough it isn't.

Somehow director Herman Yau has managed (by accident or design, who knows?) to give a skewered sense of quality and credibility to the whole thing, partly thanks to an amazing turn from Anthony Wong as ker-razy Kai.

The magnificent Wong, a mainstay of Hong Kong cinema for the past thirty odd years has made a career playing damaged characters in films of wildly varying quality, flitting happily from such critically acclaimed fare such as Infernal Affairs to shite like Raped by An Angel IV.

Here Wong manages to makes Kai the film's most interesting (if not most sympathetic) character, the rest of the (admittedly great) cast all just fade into the background when the great man is on screen.

So you can imagine that when he's got his cock out they've no chance.

"It's Cccccchhhhrrrriiissstttmmmaaasssss!!!"

If any criticism can be leveled at the movie it has to be the completely gratuitous (and unnecessary) scenes of animal slaughter, a throwback to the worst of the 70's Italian exploitation era and, while it may only be a few frog guttings and the beheading of a couple of mangy chickens, it's still enough to taint the viewing experience somewhat.

Perhaps if Wong had just had sex with them instead?

Well it's just a thought.

But don't let that put you off experiencing such a sleaze-tastic epic that for all it's shocks is infinitely less hard going than the earlier Wong-Yau masterclass in restaurant based bad taste, the true story inspired Baat sin fan dim ji yan yuk cha siu baau.

It's still a must see tho'.

This is why your girlfriend didn't
return your calls last Saturday.

Great as a first date film and even better on a quiet Sunday afternoon with the family, Ebola Syndrome has everything you could ever want from a film about a food fucking sexual deviant with a deadly disease and until Greg Wallace decides to do the same, it'll win out over Master Chef every time.

The celebrity editions not withstanding obviously.