brownie points.

Been trying to decide what action movie to watch this eve which has turned into a wee bit of an excited Saturday night discussion here at Castle Unwell as to which film is actually the best action movie ever.
 
I reckon The Last Boy Scout whereas Mrs Lamont says Con Air.

After much frenetic chat and threats of violence my mind was finally change after She reminded me that Con Air has the wonderful Trisha Yearwood warbling How Do I Live? on the soundtrack whereas Boyscout only has that old bloke from Dirty Dancing shouting about football.

It's all been for nought tho' as young Master Cassidy has just strolled in with his mums  uncut DVD of the HK guns 'n' girls actioner Naked Killer, taking me back to the heady pre-internet days of trying to purchase a copy for her.

I know, I'm such a romantic.

I mean, the amount of times I'd thought I'd ordered this classic from some dodgy ad in the back of a magazine when, in fact I'd just spent a small fortune on Naked Killer 2 went beyond a joke, especially when you know that Naked Killer 2 isn't even a 'proper' sequel, It's actually the fantastically exploitatively monikered Raped by an Angel (the first in a 'hit' series, natch) retitled to cash in on NK stars Chingmy Yau and Simon Yam appearing on screen together again.

Does exactly what it says on the box.

But first, for those of you unfamiliar with this classic romantic thriller (and if you haven't seen it then honestly, I'm shocked) the plot of the original NK goes something like this.

But first the obligatory cast list and the like:

Naked Killer (Chinese: 赤裸羔羊, 1992).
Dir: Clarence Fok Yiu-leung.
Cast:  Chingmy Yau, Simon Yam, Carrie Ng, Madoka Sugawara, Wai Yiu and
Ken Lo.


But not Ken Loach obviously.

Raven haired and slender of thigh Kitty (Yau) is a quite frankly scary lady with a neat hobby of punishing bad men that cheat on their girlfriends.

Tinam (Simon Yam) on the other hand is a nice guy cop who unfortunately shot and killed his brother (by accident of course) and is now impotent.

Plus he has a habit of vomiting uncontrollably whenever he holds a gun.

How's your luck?

A naked killer showering yesterday.

Their paths messily cross when Kitty is caught (very) red handed after repeatedly stabbing her friends boyfriend in the genitals after finding out he's been unfaithful.

Ouch.

Tinam attempts to arrest her but ends up just throwing up his lunch and shaking a bit.

Trying to figure out a way out of her predicament - and therefore stay out of jail - Kitty does what any woman in her position would do and decides to head to the police station to seduce Tinam in the hope that the sight of her nice flat tummy, shiny mane and luscious thighs will stop him dobbing her in to his superiors.

She's a sly one.

Being a typical man our hero cop has no idea that she's leading him on a just sits drooling.

Which is a nice change from sitting vomiting I guess.

Meanwhile back in the family orientated sub plot, Kitty's father's marriage to his new (whorish) wife is being rocked by her countless affairs.

Oh yes and he's a wee bit upset that she appears to favour wearing  tiny arse revealing belts instead of skirts.

It all comes to a head one evening when he arrives home to find her writhing around, legs akimbo with a Yakuza boss named Bee (Ken Lo).

In the ensuing argument, Kitty's dad falls down the stairs, bumping his head and dying.

Ouch.

Again.

"I love you....could it be vomit?"

Understandably annoyed at this turn of events, she storms into Bee's office and proceeds to off not only him but all his burly bodyguards and the majority of his secretarial staff (including the poor tea boy and the girl that fills the photocopier) before taking a foxy older lady hostage during the course of her dramatic escape.


By a bizarre stroke of luck, it turns out that the woman is, in fact the notorious assassin Sister Cindy (Hong Kong's very own Barbara Windsor, Wai Yiu) who suddenly begins joining in the carnage even going as far as taking out a couple of their pursuers herself.

Escaping unscathed and seeing that Kitty has the potential to become a top lady assassin herself, Cindy offers to train her in the mystic art of kicking arse using a mental, half starved pedophile she just happens to have chained up in her cellar as a makeshift punch bag .

And I thought our walk-in cupboard was bad with the amount of comics stored in there.

It's Glasgow's Miss Masonic Lodge 1984.

Via the magic of sweaty slo-mo montage scenes we see Kitty go from scary penis stabbing mentalist to highly trained penis stabbing assassin before finally bettering her teacher.

The time is right for her first mission alongside Sister Cindy.

A mission to 'take out' a Yakuza bad man in an orgy of soft rock music, slinky thigh action and squirty blood.

None too happy with this, the surviving Yakuza put a price on Kitty's head (and stunning thighs and pneumatic chest too probably) and the evil lesbian murderess Princess (the tiny headed yet frighteningly breasted Carrie Ng), a former protégé of Sister Cindy alongside her market stall fashion victim Japanese lover Baby (moonfaced cutey Madoka Sugawara) take the job.

"I can see your house from here Peter".

Tinam meanwhile has decide to use this murder as an excuse to actually find Kitty - he likes to take things slowly, bless - whom he discovers is disguised as a foxy air hostess named Vivian Shang.

This subplot is a wee bit complicated to explain here so e-mail me if you want details.

Bombarded with questions from our cool cop Kitty plays it cool and convinces him that he's mistaken her for someone else (obviously he was too busy staring at her arse to remember her face) but decides to carry on flirting with him anyway, giving Sister Cindy ample time to murder everyone else who can connect Kitty to Vivian Shang.

"Push harder or I'll never fit in this suitcase".

Kitty and Tinam finally have their much anticipated soft focus shag before tearfully realizing that a cop and a killer - even a naked one - will have a slightly difficult time holding down a stable relationship.

Awwww.

Being a sweetie, Sister Cindy suggests that Kitty leave the assassin business and settle down with her beau and live happily ever after, which would be OK if Princess, who if you remember is out to kill Kitty, hadn't become madly obsessed her, which has led to scenes of sweaty rough sex with Baby featuring orgasmic machine gun fire, opera gloves and much fiddling about with each others panties in loving close-up.

Can I just add that this technique has never ever worked for me.

Vicious lips, milky eye.

With at least 30 minutes left till the movies climax the deadly duo decide to first kill Sister Cindy, hoping that will bring an enraged Kitty to them but the old bird puts up a good fight before ultimately being killed by the luscious poisoned lips (coated in an evil lipstick that is fatal when mixed with booze - obvious eh?) of Princess.

"Lesbe friends...."
"homo we wont!"

Kitty is still nowhere to be found tho' (she's busy hiding under the duvet hoping everything will blow over like you would in this situation) which annoys Princess to a point where she starts screaming whilst randomly shooting stuff.

For what seems like a day.

Luckily for us, just when you think your ears can't take anymore of Princesses wailing - tho' I will admit the scenes where she violently spanks Baby's wobbly arse are pretty good - our heroine re-appears with an interesting proposition....

Kitty, it seems is willing to let bygones be bygones if Princess will become her business (and bedroom) partner.

Thinking the deal over for about three minutes (giving her a chance to oogle Kitty's unspanked backside) before hurriedly shouting "Yes please!" and leaping on her for a bit of black clad assassin on assassin action.

Princess, however is too caught up in the incredibly gratuitous (but admittedly sexy) lesbian lust frenzy to realize that Kitty is also wearing poisoned lippy!

Whilst locked in an erotic embrace, our (completely vomit free) lovelorn police-type hero Tinam bursts in thru' a window and proceeds to mow down all of Princess's hench-people (in slo-mo of course) before turning his gun on Baby and legging it back to Sister Cindy's pad with Kitty.

"Milk in mah mooth!" (well, I hope it's milk).

An understandably furious Princess follows the lethal lovers as the poison starts to take effect arriving to find a deliriously dishy Kitty shouting abuse at her from the living room.

Unfortunately Kitty too is dying ans Tinam, devastated by the thought of losing his one true love throws back his head screaming loudly before firing his gun at the gas oven causing the house (and them) to explode in a blaze of colour and inappropriate end music.

Madoka Sugawara: Lego hair.

As you can probably tell from the above synopsis, NK is an utter hoot from start to finish, a film so over the top it's possible to get vertigo just by looking at the DVD sleeve for too long which makes the fact that Raped by an Angel was released as Naked Killer 2 even more of a travesty.

Whereas NK features a stunning mix of romance, extreme violence, slinky ladies mixed with scenes of women snorting coke from sweaty muscled mens arses, fantastically choreographed lesbian sex scenes and enough gunplay to keep even Charlton Heston happy (if he were still alive that is), Angel removes all these elements (except Chingmy Yau's wonderous thighs) and replaces them with, well nothing really.

"Look! it's Jimmy Krankie's hat!"

The plot (for want of a better word) is paper thin to say the least, centering as it does around sweaty, rat like bad boy perv Chuck Chi-shing (played to perfection by the ickle fin legged Mark Cheng) who has an unhealthy obsession with a hot model Yau Yuk-nam (Yau).

Can any movie live up to this poster?

As part of his plan to get - very - close to Ms. Yuk-nam, he moves in next door to her toothsome, jiggly of breast yet harsh of fringe pal Chu Kit-Man (Ng Suet-Man, who no doubt does whatever a Suet-Man can) playing the nice but dim neighbour before drugging and molesting her.

Twice.

Whilst all this misogynist stuff is going on (in loving close up I may add) Yau Yuk-nam has started dating the lovable triad guy with a heart Tso Tat Wah (Yam, sexy as ever) but the romance is cut short by a mix of tragedy and legal action (as part of the storyline, not from bored viewers) leading to a blood, sweat, egg (and semen) stained, incredibly tasteless climactic showdown between a half naked Yau, a sexily shirted Yam and the dirty Cheng.

Cheng: He has five pounds.

Saying that tho' you kinda know what to expect from a movie with a title like Raped By an Angel, it's not like you're just going to idly pick it up of the shelves in a Teresa May sort of way, pop it on one Sunday afternoon the be surprised if you find it offensive are you?

At least I hope not.

All I can say is if you're looking to waste a few hours with a mix of gratuitous nudity, sleazy sex, Chingmy Yau's just stepped out of the salon hair and a bit of argy bargy then forget this shite and buy Naked Killer instead.

Or you call always give your mums pal a call.

You know the one.

No need or every need?

But if you find that you can't resist viewing a movie with such an offensive title then you could do worse than checking out the surprisingly entertaining sequel Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan.

This time round we enter the world of a perverted dentist (the scarily Tony Blair like Joe Tak-Chung Ma) who has a slightly worrying thing for girls in uniform.

More worrying than most of us that is.

Up until now he's managed with dirty films and almost constant masturbation but it's getting to the point where not even this can alleviate his warped desires and soon enough he's a-raping and a-murdering traffic wardens in seedy back alleys just for kicks.

As you can tell he's a very bad man indeed.

Just in case you missed it first time round
(do you realize how long it took
me to scan these shots?)

If this wasn't enough he's also start to fantasize about buxom highschool girl Jenny (infamously wobbly bummed and white ankle sock wearing Cat III star Chung Chun) who's booked into his surgery for a wee filling.

But not the kind he has on offer obviously.

Chun: loose crown,
Hello Kitty undies and
unsightly plaque not shown.

As soon as she enters the surgery he starts sweating like, well a rapist obviously and can only be calmed down when his put upon nurse raises her uniform and offers to let him fill her instead.

No really.

But alas this isn't enough so the dirty dentist cooks up an incredibly convoluted plan to get Jenny (and her pals) drunk (and drugged) at his house in order to have his wicked way with her.

And what is he planning for an encore?

Well he's decided that after completing the dirty deed he's going to wank off her unconscious boyfriend into a condom before placing his prone, trouserless body between Jenny's chubby thighs.

See? told you it was unnecessarily complicated.

Check the socks: The great Diane Pang
from a totally different yet still
exploitative movie yesterday.

Surprisingly (yeah right) the plan goes awry, leaving Jenny hospitalized with concussion and a sore arse much to the chagrin of her policewoman sister Po Wan Yu (Athena Chu, the star of the classic Shaolin Kung Fu Kids), who, as luck would have it has just been demoted from overcoat wearing detective to cutesy uniformed PC.

Can you guess what happens next?

Athena Chu's farted and it's an eggy one.

Yup, she becomes the new object of the dentists affections as the movie careers toward an explosive climax featuring Po Wan Yu's mad granny, poisoned coffee, castration and a far too skimpy Brownie uniform.

Much was made on the films release in Hong Kong of Chung Chun’s “incredibly sexy performance” which in the harsh light of day consists of endless shots of her bending over showing her big white undies, chewing pencils and lying prone in a dentists chair whilst being slowly unbuttoned by a sweaty man.

Not all at the same time I hasten to add.

Luckily the movies saving grace is Athena Chu dressed in the aforementioned Brownie uniform pretending to be drunk whilst flashing her undies and giggling.

And her reason for wearing the outfit?

Turns out she's a Brown Owl for the local pack.

There's not much else I can say really.

Don't have nightmares.

brief encounters.

Got an email from longtime reader David of Colchester saying that I don't feature 'the lovely' (their words not mine) Suet-Mei Leung enough (ever?) on here so thought I'd make amends.

My word that was short and to the point wasn't it?

Encounters of the Spooky Kind (AKA Spooky Encounters, 1980).
Dir: Sammo Hung.
Cast: Sammo Hung, Wong Ha, Lung Chan, Fat Chung, Ha Huang, Po Tai, Ching-Ying Lam, Biao Yuen and Suet-Mei Leung.

It's a dark night in China - well I'm assuming it's China cos when I say dark I mean it's pitch black, could be anywhere really - and our entertainment opens with a pair of burial urns floating around like some nightmarish Kinder Egg advert  discussing such pressing issues as the afterlife, hauntings and Kenzo perfumes new ad campaign.

I'm not surprised because Carol Lim and Humberto Leon (the companies artistic directors) have done wonders with it.

Plus let's be honest Margaret Qualley is so quirkily cute as to be almost painful on the eyes to watch.

But I digress.

As the urns continue their supernatural shenanigans who should come skipping toward then but the pudding-bowled, pratfalling prince of punch-ups Sammo Hung clad in a pair of sackcloth pajamas with a box of Nutella under his arm.

Obviously the urns have no choice but to attack our portly pal, poking, punching and pinching him till finally one of the spirits bursts free of his urn and bites Sammo on the arse.

Which as far as pre-credits sequences go is pretty unexpected.

Some Chinese (and English) words yesterday.

And with a huge bang Sammo falls out of bed - and into our hearts obviously.

You see t'was all a dream in the head of lovable taxi driver 'Daring' Darren Chan (or Bold Cheung if you're watching the subtitled version, me I've gone for the comedy voice-overs), the bravest man in the entire town.

And it seems from the dubbing voiced by a West Midlands version of John Wayne.

Dusting himself down he quickly prepares for work as his tiny of stature - yet harsh of face - wife Morag (yup it's readers fave Suet-Mei Leung, last seen skulking about the background of the fantastic Ni ge mie ye chang) verbally abuses him for being a bit rubbish.

Hurrying out of the house as his wife angrily shakes a rolling pin at him Daring heads off for breakfast with fellow taxi-driving pals Jeff, Tony and Stuttering Mike.

As is always the way the conversation soon comes round to Darings bravery and Mike, being a wheeling dealing wideboy type, challenges him to a fantastic new game that he's been told about from a foreign bloke he had in the back of his rickshaw a few weeks back.

Daring is, to say the least, intrigued.

And what  of this challenged of which they speak?

Well it involves spending the night in an abandoned house and peeling an apple whilst looking into a mirror.

Seems pretty straightforward eh?

Well it is unless you break the skin, then an evil demon will appear from the mirror and drag you to one of the myriad of Chinese Hells you always hear about in these movies.

Daring accepts the bet.

士特这几个月刀柄！

As is always the way with these things his pals decide to have a wee bit of fun at Darings expense so to this end rig up a series of (overly complicated) pulleys and levers whilst Mike drags up as a female ghost and hides behind the mirror.

Daring isn't that gullible and soon sees thru' Mike's disguise, beating him with a stick before settling down for a nice cuppa with him as he explains his almost Derren Brown like skills of deception.

Unfortunately everyone seems to have forgotten that Daring did in fact break the apple skin so when a demon actually appears and snatches Mike into the mirror our heavy-set hero can only stand in (faint) surprise as its ghostly talons reach out for him.

Or to be more precise his ample arse.

Not to be a man to be trifled with (he'd probably just eat it) Daring bravely cuts off the ghosts hand and in a scene reminiscent of a drink-fueled Bond pre-credit sequence as envisaged by Nick Knowles and the team at DIY SOS, smashes the mirror and leaps out of the window as the house collapses around him. 

Margaret Qualley: She's got something to put in you.

A new day dawns and Daring, with total disregard for his friends demise and utterly non-plussed by all these supernatural shenanigans heads off to work, which today involves driving local rich man and privy council member Master Tam (Craig David) to the town brothel for a wee bit of the hanky panky.

It seems that with all the work he does for the local community poor Tam doesn't have enough time to find a wife so keeps his ardour in check with a daily fix of female-based frolicking.

Concerned that his prostitute pleasing pastimes may count against him when he runs for mayor he swears Daring to secrecy with promises of unlimited doughnuts if elected.

Daring obviously agrees before heading off for breakfast.

All this plot development and inane chat is hungry work obviously.

Enjoying a Pot Noodle or two Daring and his pals listen intently as Tim the tofu seller regales everyone with a tale of love and lust.

It seems he too was once a cabbie and spent far too much time earning cash and eating rice and returned home one day to find his wife having some sex with another man.

Obviously - being male - it was totally his fault so he gave up driving and opened a fine eatery instead.

His customers look on in mild indifference as Tims wife storms out of the kitchen and berates her hubbie.

The tale strikes a chord in Darings heart tho' and he begins to wander not only how his wife can afford all her new clothes but who do the ginger pubes he keeps finding in the bed belong to.

Rushing home to check on his wife Daring comes across (not in that way, it's a HK action flick not a Cat III kinkfest) a couple of peeping toms outside his door.

Peeping thru' the keyhole our chubby chum is shocked to see his wife giggling in bed with an unseen suitor.

Luckily for them Darings cries of despair as he tries to enter the house alert the couple to his presence giving his wifes lover time to escape.

And who is this vile rotter?

Why none other than Master Tam himself.

Bursting thru' the door (and out of his trousers) Daring finds a discarded shoe  and confronts his wife with the evidence but being a typical girl she starts crying and blames him for everything wrong with her life making our hero wander off in a self-pitying huff.

"To me!" "To you!"

Meanwhile back at his mansion, Master Tam is getting exceedingly worried that Daring will find out about the affair and kill him, which is understandable seeing as Daring does have a wee bit of a temper so to this end tam hires the local warlock cum Paul Shane tribute act Kinky Chin Hoi (Lung Chan best known around these parts as the scrapyard rapist in Mou mian bei) to get rid of him using any supernatural skills at his disposal.

Luckily for our hero Chins brother Tsui (Crime Story's Fat Chung) arrives just as the deal is being settled and angrily reminds his brother that they have vowed to help people - as opposed to killing them obviously - much to Chins disgust.

You see being a beardy bad man Chin only cares about money.

Oh and male grooming products judging by his exotic facial hair and Noddy Holder-esque sideburns.

As he's heading to work the next morning (does this guy never take a holiday?) Daring is approached by the ferret-like Steve Peng who convinces our hero to accept another ghost-based bet in order to win 10 pieces of silver and a years supply of Mars Bars.

Daring eagerly accepts not knowing that Steve is actually in the employ of the evil Chin.

As in the warlock, not Bruce Forsyth.

This time Daring must spend the night in a haunted temple.

Seems legit.

"How much for a wee mooth shite-in?"

Unfortunately Steve has neglected to mention the hopping vampire that lies in wait there.

A hopping vampire (Or as they are most commonly known - by clever, well read folk - a Jiangshi. See? This blog is educational as well as entertaining) controlled by Chin thanks to a convoluted control system that involves mumbling over a scary penyata whilst gargling warm spit from a dog bowl.

As luck (and linear plotting would have it) during the journey to the temple Daring encounters Tsui who happily gives him a crash course in surviving vampires.

Which is pretty lucky if I'm honest.

But what is this amazing piece of advice that is certain to save you from a vampire?

Well it seems that Daring must spend the night sleeping on the roof if he wishes to avoid the vampires wrath.

Fair enough.

Being a quick learner (either that or easily convinced) Daring indeed spends the night clutching to a ceiling support but as is the way with Sammo, comedic clumsiness ensues and our baw-headed bro is soon brought crashing to earth and dodging the doddering undead demon before kicking it back into the coffin as dawn breaks.

Inside Rolf Harris' mind.

But Darings dangers aren't over yet, would you believe he's tricked into spending yet another night in the temple?

Fearing for his life (if not his sanity) Daring searches out Tsui and begs him for help of a more pro-active kind that doesn't involve hanging off rafters obviously.

Being an occult wizz (think John Constantine as portrayed by an Oriental Noel Fielding wearing a sack) Tsui tells Daring to collect fifty chicken eggs and a bucket of dogs blood, the chicken eggs to throw into the coffin everytime the vamp tries to rise (because we all know vampires fear omelette's) and the dogs blood to throw at it if things get too scary.

Why did Peter Cushing never do this?

It would have at least made Dracula AD 1972 a wee bit more entertaining.

Filled with a new confidence (and high on crisps and Tizer) Daring heads to the local shop to buy provisions.

The egg seller however, only has 40 chicken eggs so sneakily fills the basket with 10 duck eggs too.

Which as all students of Chinese folklore know is a very bad thing indeed.

Back at the temple Daring spends the night perched on the coffin waiting for the vampire to rise, tho' if I'm being honest with you his weight alone should be enough to keep the lid firmly in place.

But there are supernatural forces at work (obviously I mean the title kinda gives it away) and right on cue the coffin lid rises but Daring is ready with his eggs throwing them in and holding back the vampire.

And by default causing Chin to fly around the courtyard like a rag doll.

A rag doll with child molesters hair.

On a roll (as opposed to scoffing one) Daring continues to pelt the vampire with eggs which is fine till he throws one of the duck eggs at it which enables the by now sickly smelling (and rather sticky) beast to burst forth from its coffin and attack Daring.

But he still has the bucket of dogs blood which he uses to subdue the corpse and also send Chin flying into Tam's roof breaking not only his control over the vampire but most of his bones too.

Ouch.

"Just remember Spike, first rule of demonic possession show the punters the suit!"

Having enough of all these beast-based bets Daring heads back to town where he's arrested for the murder of his wife - thanks to someone serendipitously covering his house in red paint whilst he was away - and quickly thrown in prison.

Awaiting execution Daring has no choice but to escape (but not before he's had a slap up meal obviously), find Tsui and hopefully clear his name.

But local law enforcement officer Morse (HK action stalwart Ching-Ying Lam) is in hot pursuit.

More hilarity, amusing falls and ghostly action ensues before Daring and Tsui are reunited culminating in Tsui taking Daring as an apprentice and training our hero in the dark arts.

But first there's lunch to be had.

Glad to see Daring has got his priorities right.

But our dynamic duo aren't the only ones plotting a slew of occult-based actions as a slightly riled Chin, fully recovered from is injuries has discovered Darings whereabouts and after a failed attempt at starving him to death by psychically controlling his eating (and wanking) hand prepares to raise an army of darkness (well three guys in pound shop skeleton masks) to destroy our heroes.

Will Tsui's training be enough to protect Daring from evil?

Will Sammo strip naked?

Will Master Tam ever get his shoe back?

Is Morag really dead?

And more importantly had Sam Raimi ever seen this movie prior to writing Evil Dead II?

Written, directed and choreographed (he probably made the tea too) by the legendary Sammo Hung, Encounters Of The Spooky Kind was many folks (me included) first experience of not only the 'hopping vampire' genre of Hong Kong cinema but also of the great man himself.

By that I mean Sammo Hung not Lung Chan obviously, tho' he's not too bad if a wee bit too similar looking to my mums pal Uncle Clive if I'm honest.

Tho' I'm pretty sure Lung Chan didn't spend his Saturday nights standing naked in my doorway staring at me thinking I was asleep.

Originally trained as an acrobat and dancer at the China Drama Academy, Hung made his film debut at the age of 12, honing his craft as an actor, director, producer and choreographer in over 60,000 films (many shot back to back over a 5 week period) before coming to prominence as Bruce Lee's sparing partner in the classic Enter The Dragon. 

But it's Spooky Encounters that really made Hung a household name in not only in Asia but worldwide too.

And on viewing you can see why.

Uncle Clive: Pervert.

Packing more energy, humour and chills into it's opening 10 minutes than most films do over a full 90, Encounters is a bizarre mish-mash of ancient Chinese lore, low-bro laughs and coolly choreographed kickings courtesy of Hung and action choreographer extraordinaire Biao Yuen.

I mean name another movie that features flying funeral urns, monkey possessed mentalists, Taoist philosophy, flame hurling priests atop telescopic alters and the greatest collection of fake moles ever committed to celluloid.

And just when you think it can't get any better Ching-Ying Lam from Mr Vampire turns up with a mustache that would make Burt Reynolds green with envy.

As an introduction to the wacky world of cinematic Orient excess you could do much worse.

Ebola Syndrome for example.

"Put it in me!"

True things turn a wee bit misogynistic in a few (well in one particular) scenes and it's a shock seeing a chicken slaughtered on screen in what is essentially a family friendly comedy but these are fiddly little things when compared to the sheer joy the rest of the film gives.

If you've never experienced Spooky Encounters then go buy a copy right now and if like me you've not seen it for years go back and watch it straight after reading this.

you wont regret it.

Tho' you may become oh so slightly obsessed with Suet-Mei Leung's milky smooth ankles afterwards.

You have been warned.

how do you solve a problem like maria?

Sorting out the arena for the upcoming fully illustrated print version when I found this languishing unfinished and unloved in a draft pile so thought I'd polish it off and pop it up.

Apologises for the shortness or any made up stuff but it's been about 9 years since I started this review.

Anyway, enjoy!

I Love Maria (AKA Roboforce, 1988).
Dir: David Chung.
Cast: John Shum, Tsui Hark, Sally Yeh, Tony Leung and Lam Ching-Ying.

The misleadingly monikered and frighteningly fashioned Hero Gang, led by the evil Terry (Lam) and the sadistically sexy Maria (Yeh, the one in The Killer that's not Chow Yun Fat) is conducting a rather revolting reign of terror against Hong Kong's banking sector with the aid of a seemingly unstoppable robot named Pioneer I.

First on the scene is ace reporter and general sexy man TQ Zhuang
(Hong Kong's very own David Tennant, Leung looking about six in this) who is then unceremoniously fired for forgetting to remove his lens cap and getting a photo of the robot during the robbery.

Arse.

This still has bugger all to do with the movie but popped up during an 'I love Maria' image search...gotta love Google.

Although the Pioneer I is a perfectly built killing and robbing machine Terry decides that to be truly effective it really needs to have huge chrome breasts and a curvy metal arse so he decides to build a brand new robot in the (basic) form of Maria, naming it Pioneer II.

Imagination isn't really his strong point obviously.

Meanwhile beleaguered copper cum robotics research boffin Curly (the frighteningly Danny Baker-esque Shum) who has just been accused of taking backhanders by his superiors has decided to drown his sorrows in a local bar where he comes across (insert innuendo here) a former Hero Gang member Whiskey Joe (groovy goateed cult director Hark) who - by a strange coincidence - has also been accused of betrayal, in his case by his former gang pals.

Unfortunately their evenings fun is curtailed when the Hero Gang decide to send Pioneer II into the bar to kill Joe.

Which is nice.

Something, something, laugh now, something.

Luckily the robot is much more female than anyone could imagine and, while chasing Whiskey, ladders it's tights causing it to have a massive breakdown in the street giving Joe and Curly chance to bundle it into the back of a van and head off to Curly's shed in an amusing attempt to repair and reprogramme the it.

Because altering the program of a sentient machine with chrome globes is dead easy to do, obviously.

Well it must be easier than shackling it to a radiator and sticking things in it.

Tho' Joe does have a huge girly crush on the real Maria so he might be tempted. 

"Can you beat the Daz doorstep challenge waaaahhhh?"

But guess what?

Yup they do indeed succeed in their mission (oh ye of little faith) and Pioneer II is ready to accept their bidding.

Now is it just me or if you had a sexy robot girl that obeyed your every command, would the first thing you'd do to road test it really be to attacked the bad men's base?

Oh, just me then.

So our heroes, armed only with frighteningly bad hair and teeth and a big box of Daz join forces with Zhuang to complete their mission and bring down the Hero Gang.

"Help mah Boab! it's the sighbaaahmon!"

The scene is set for a power-packed final showdown between the Hero Gang, Pioneer I, a martial arts expert who is desperate to join the good guys - named Brian or something - there's always one isn't there? - (Ching-Ying) , robot Maria (all spruced and shiny), the real Maria, a dwarf clown, our heroes and the evil crime boss.

Phew!

Transformers: robots in mah mooth.

David Chung's lo-fi romp is a fairly harmless way to spend an hour and a half, in parts funny and exciting but with the added bonus of the constantly frowning (and strangely attractive in a maths teacher-ish kinda way), all singing, all dancing Sally Yeh not only in shiny chrome pants but also - at some points - with her breasts encased in a tough black rubber bra thing.

And all whilst wearing a spray painted swimming cap.

Erotic does not do it justice.

If that's not enough to get your pulses racing (well you're here so you can't be that picky) there's also Hong Kong's very own (tho' slightly less dead eyed) Sam Raimi, the god-like Tsui Hark, showing that his on screen talent for comedy matches his obvious behind the scenes skills and it's Hark, alongside chubby funster John Shum that give us one of the best cinematic comedy double acts since Myers and Loomis in the original Halloween.

And you can't give higher praise than that.

Well you probably can but it's almost 2 AM and I'm rather drunk so that will have to suffice.

Beats the rampant rabbit I guess.

Harder to find than your real dad but (unlike your sister) well worth making the effort to hunt down, especially if you're a fan of action based chic flick comedies with added big robots.

And at the end of the day who isn't?

Not another fucking Fantastic Four reboot!

Can I just add that I lied about the dwarf.

Sorry.