people you fancy but shouldn't (frightfest special).

Noticed a distinct lack of cardigan wearing librarian types onscreen this year (unlike last time round where you couldn't move for sensible shoes) seeing as every female character seemed to be a bleach-haired bombshell with a gun.

Or a kidnapped schoolgirl drugged and chained to a bed obviously.

But fear not, in this celluloid sea of sassiness one woman bravely took a stand for A-line skirts and buffed up brogues.

And she fought a giant radioactive monster too.

It can only be Shin Godzilla's Mikako Ichikawa.

jailhouse shock.

Been trying to put together a review of this years Frightfest but it's much harder than I thought seeing as the majority of movies were brilliant (except Cage Dive obviously) meaning it's a wee bit tricky to make cum jokes and add "Laugh now!" captions to everything.

"You ain't seen me....right?" I fucking wish.

Was beavering away all day and only made it as far as the first day when I gave up and decided to watch something a little less polished instead.

Unlike the directors cock whilst he was making it obviously.

So sit back and enjoy this terrifying tale about the ups and downs of life in a women's prison.

Imagine Porridge but with big 70's bushes and a guest appearance by the monkey faced Scandinavian sex kitten, Brite Tove.

Nu ji zhong ying (AKA Bamboo House of Dolls. 1973)
Dir: Chih-Hung Kuei.
Cast: Lo Lieh, Brite Tove, Wang Hsia, Li Hai-shu, Terry Liu, Niki Wayne and Roska Rozen.

It's sometime during the long hot summer of 1942 (but by the state of the lead actresses hair and make up it's more like 1972) and the world is at war, somewhere in Asia (my geography is very rough - a bit like your mum) a crack squad of hardened Japanese soldiers are in the midst of a battle to the death against a gaggle of sandal wearing, knee revealing Chinese resistance fighters in a red cross hospital.

Well as Davey Stott said, there's nothing like starting with a little explosion.

Officially looking for a downed American pilot but obviously out for revenge against the creepy communists for daring to rip off Ultraman with the Shaw Brothers 'homage' Inframan, our Japanese chums begin their copyright controlling assault by first shooting the lovely Hong Yulan's husband in the arse before bayoneting all the injured and old folk, finally standing over a pile of corpses lustfully gazing at all the sweating, shot to fuck Chinese ladies left cowering in a medical cabinet.

Whilst all this butchery is going on, Mr. Yulan, with his dying, fish smelling breath has managed to pass a secret message to his wife.

The whereabouts of his secret schoolboy porn cache however he takes to the grave.

Whilst carrying off the screaming Chinese ladies the Japanese troops hear a faint crying noise from behind a big beefy curtain, and on parting the aforementioned curtains are amazed to discover a handful of huge breasted European nurses in torn uniforms all huddled together in the dirt.

The quick glimpse of big pants is too much for the token Bald of head but magnificently mustached Japanese captain, who orders his men to take this group of second rate Europorn starlets to the local prison camp too.

The weekly Parkhurst knobbly knees contest was
always a hit with the under 12's.

On arriving at the prison (which bares a scary resemblance to Maplin's holiday camp from top Brit shit-com Hi-De-Hi!) the women are called to attention by the evil camp commander Inoue (Hsia, Mr. Wang from A Better Tomorrow), it appears he has something special to show then to get them all into the holiday mood.

What a thoughtful man.

He orders his men go and fetch a poor unfortunate prisoner he keeps in a corrugate metal shack know as 'the box', you see it appears that this woman was caught trying to sneak copies of Heat Magazine (or something) into the camp and, being an Take A Break reader the warden wants to make an example of her.

He orders his men to string her up by the wrists and (slowly) remove her dress in preparation for he punishment.

Enter (yes please) the foxy, tight uniformed and knee-high booted Mako (slinkily smoothed thighed Liu, the star of the aforementioned Infra-Man as well as Concubine and The Girl With Long Hair - worth a look for the cinematography alone), the whip wielding lesbian warden who angrily orders one of the other prisoners to beat the gossip rag reader to death.

At this point I had to pause the movie to check the heating as it appeared to be getting uncomfortably hot in my house.

Being a weak girlie, the other prisoner refuses so Mako (whilst licking her full, red lips) gives her a good beating until she breaks down in tears and decides to go along with the whip-based fun, which is all well and good till the unfortunate girl dies.

Oops.

Overcome with grief (either that or the actress is having a stroke) the whipper (is that even a word?) starts crying and with the snot bubbles running down her face, runs off before throwing herself onto the electric fence, putting a damper on the whole affair.

There's always one who takes the joke too far.

After witnessing this vile scene the rest of the ladies (and most probably the crew) are increasingly desperate to escape from this living hell, except for the odd few who fancy a wee bit of dirty girl on girl action obviously.

"And that's Numberwang!"

Forced to work in the blistering sun sorting out stones into big plastic buckets whilst wearing shite covered mini-dresses and skimpy pants, it's not long before our cute captives begin plotting an escape but, being girls any chat relating to this soon degenerates into inane talk about make-up and idle gossiping as to who's going to get voted out of The X Factor.

But the girls' frustration soon comes to a head when during lunch they discover that the canteen is all out of those Skinny Latte things that they drink in Sex and The City turning a silly girlie strop into a full-blown, food based brawl.

Luckily for the cleaners commandant Inoue has just the thing to calm the prisoners tempers.

You see a group of Japanese soldiers are soon to arrive at the camp for some well deserved rest and recreation and it'll be the prisoners job to look after their every need during their stay.

Cue twenty minutes of family friendly rape based hilarity as one Japanese soldier, waving his his samurai sword around like a mentalist chases a poor unsuspecting barefooted girl around a (hellishly patterned) carpet covered in broken glass whilst another of the prisoners (Wayne in her only film role, pity) is so up for a bit of man loving she ends up being pleasured by a whole gaggle of greasy, tomb-toothed extras after her libido scares her original suitor away.

Just in case you were under the misapprehension that this was, in some way making light of sexual violence, one unfortunate lady just lies there, stiff as a board whilst wee Jimmy Nippon grunts like an asthmatic pig and wiggles his tanned, peachy arse.

And my word what a great arse it is.

Whilst this saucily speeded up shagfest is taking place, blonde bombshell Mary (Rozen) is hand picked by Mako to be her special love slave.

Mary however doesn't seem that pleased and needs to be held down as Mako, wearing nothing but a pair of shiny boots and a smile (oh, and a huge black leather strap-on) slinks towards her.

Cue much groaning and moaning and a fairly arty silhouette sex scene all played out to a soft core jazz score.

Nice.

Anyway, now the sex is out of the way the producers reckon we can get back to the plot such as it is.

Yulan (remember her? - no me neither) has befriended the feisty Jennifer (top billed Tove from such classics as Danish Pillow Talk, Sexy Girls of Denmark, Bedside Headmaster and Swedish Fly Girls amongst others - ask your dad) as well as the whorish Elizabeth, the dirty Mary, ethnic Brenda and a token (yet instantly forgettable) blind bird whose name escapes me.

Being the named cast, our chained chicks battle against bitchy cat-fighting, electric nipple torture and gratuitously soapy shower scenes in order to plan an escape route to freedom.

Or at least to the nearest Butlins.

"Where's the soap?" "It does, doesn't it?"

As luck would have it, one night the camps (big) cook Ben corners Yulan and admits to being a Chinese spy who has actually infiltrated the prison in the hopes of busting her out.

Why? you may ask.

It seems that the secret message her hubbie passed onto her at the films beginning was the location of a load of gold he'd half inched from the Japanese earlier that week and the resistance wants to break her out in order to get access to the bootie so they can all fuck off to Majorca or something.

So, throwing caution (and their dignity) to the wind the ladies decide to mount an escape attempt that very night.

Seducing the guard with promises of sex and chocolate they bludgeon the poor sod to death whilst Ben breaks into the power generator room and using only a wooden spoon cuts the wires powering the lights and electric fence enabling them to run off into the night.

"Gun in mah mooth".

Whilst all this escaping is going on, Ben is grabbed by the guards (which is painful believe you me) enabling us to marvel at his close quarter bitch-slapping skills for a few minutes before he too mounts the fence and disappears into the night.

But as he approaches the girls a load of Japanese soldiers jump out of the bushes and surround them.

Ben bravely tries to help the girls but is cruelly gunned down, collapsing in a pool of blood mixed with baking soda and cherries.

Jennifer runs to his aid but it's too late.

As Ben lays there dying he gazes wistfully at her heaving cleavage and whispers that there's another Chinese spy in the camp who's willing to help them but the ladies must be on their guard as he's sure that one of their number is a filthy spy.

Returning to the camp Jennifer (very quickly, tho' to be honest we are halfway thru' the film) discovers that the camp’s ultra cool, aviator shaded, Elvis quiffed second-in-command, Cui Guodong (Hong Kong's answer to Timothy Dalton, Lieh - a man so sexy he could even persuade Tyson Fury to take it up the shitter) is the other spy.

It's not too surprising them when juicy Jennifer and gorgeous Guodong start indulging in a few candle lit sexy scenes under the pretence of planning another escape.

But time is, as they say, running out as the unknown collaborator is slowly but surely bumping off various prisoners in order of attractiveness.

Jennifer should be safe for a while then.

"Careful with Ms. Mako's love egg you little tinker!"

Next day it's business as usual; another escape followed by another recapture and finishing with a wee bit of torture (like a weekend in the West Midlands if I'm honest).

Only this time it's a bit more serious than a quick whipping by a big uniformed dyke as all six girls: Mary the lesbian love slave, Jennifer the chimp, Elizabeth (the nymphette), Yulan, Brenda and the blind one are spread eagled and staked to the ground in the boiling hot sun.

And just to add to their discomforted the other prisoners can see up their skirts.

How evil is that?

As they lie there baking in the sun thoughts turn to who the traitor could be and it's not long before everyone has decided it must be Mary due to her love of ladies (and huge leather strap-ons obviously).

Frankly I find this ludicrous, I mean if a love of anal or vaginal violation by means of a bit of dead cow were cause for suspicion we'd all be locked up.

Especially your dad.

So promising to be good and never to try and escape again our heroines are set free and sent back to work, stopping only occasionally to slap Mary around a bit.

But the commandant has had enough of these fiery fillies and is making plans to off them one by one.

Will they survive till the Chinese resistance arrive to save them?

Fury: loves the cock.

Described as both cruel and demeaning to women (tho' not to the viewers intelligence surprisingly) the late, almost great Chih-Hung Kuei's (of Corpse Mania, Coward Bastard and Enter the Seven Virgins fave) sexploitation classic Bamboo House of Dolls is way too camp and trashy an experience to be offensive to anyone but the most soulless, big booted SJW's and their joyless pals.

Oh and possibly your Granddad if he fought in Asia during World War 2, tho' even he might change his mind when the girl on girl action starts.

As an excuse for ninety minutes of in (as opposed to over) your face sex and comic book violence Bamboo House of Dolls certainly doesn't disappoint and what it loses in historical accuracy (huge breasted, curvy Eurostars sporting arse revealing flimsy, blue t-shirts pretending to be starving prisoners and Alvin Stardust-alike spies in tight trousers plus a fantastic Wah Wah jazz score) it more than makes up for with it's speeded up comedy shagging, a uniformed lesbian dominatrix and blood splattered scenes of machine gun action.

And that's just in the first twenty five minutes.

And that feeling of teen boy fantasy gone mad runs throughout the whole movie, packed as it is with shootouts, Kung Fu kicking, pantie wearing girls fighting Japanese soldiers, copious amounts of breasts and overgrown bush and even a slow motion car stunt.

Really, what's there not to love?

"I can't find the car keys!"

The most surprising thing about it tho' is how good the cast are. Simian saucebox Brite Tove is actually not too bad as the strong heroine whilst sexy action god Lo Lieh seems to be having a ball as the heroic stud muffin of the piece, imagine Big Roger Moore with high hair, sprayed on trousers and a pair of market stall shades and you're halfway there.

Trust me, you need this.

Possibly.

the morning after the fright before.

Slowly recovering from another glorious Glasgow Frightfest weekender and with a window in my oh so hectic work schedule I thought I'd actually pop some mini-reviews together within a few days of it finishing, unlike the usual 6 months later.

Not that anyone reads this anyway.

So prepare yourselves dear reader(s) for a wacky weekend where teen vamps and hunted tramps, radioactive beasts and Spanish (untranslated) tweets sit muckily alongside a variety of bloodthirsty killers, bearded blokes with dodgy tattoos and instantly forgettable found footage fodder.

Oh yes and an incredibly obnoxious arse of a man who complained that my hair was getting in the way of him reading the subtitles during Shin Gojira so could I get it cut before Saturday?

Just because you have a head like a freshly shaved testicle doesn't mean you should take it out on me.

And as an added incentive to read the reviews will be much shorter than normal due to more more able folk being their who can actually string sentences together.

"I can't see the film can you lift me up?"

First up tho' a thousand apologies to Gore Verbinski (and fans of big-chinned, button-nosed babes writhing around naked in baths of eels) because I totally missed A Cure for Wellness due to being in a pub watching a rather fantastic band whose name escapes me right now.

Tho' if any members are reading this email me and I'll give you a plug.

Or a wee kiss.

Can't say much fairer than that can I?

Apart from I missed Phantasm: Remastered too (tho' not Phantasm 2 which I saw the opening night at a slightly scary cinema outside Dudley) but did make up for it by watching it when I got home.

I even cleaned my glasses to give it that polished up feel.

But it's Phantasm - you don't need me to tell you how fucking brilliant it is.

And with that it's with the Friday good and proper, beginning with director Matthias Hoene's big budget kid friendly French-Chinese funded kung-Fu caper...

The Warrior’s Gate (France/China 2016)
Dir: Matthias Hoene.
Cast: David Bautista, Sienna Guillory, Mark Chao, Ni Ni and Uriah Shelton.

Worlds skinniest teen Jack Flatley (Shelton), spends his free time (when he's not being bullied at school or trying to help his recently divorced mum pay the bills by working for a kindly Chinese guy who's definitely not Stephen Chow) playing the video games with his portly pal Dave in order to escape the drudgery of life.

One day tho' after a fairly enjoyable BMX chase (no really) his boss bequeaths him a magical wooden washing basket.

Which would be a pretty shitty gift if it didn't have the power to open a spooky space/time portal that leads to ancient China.

Trump better not find out about it.

Visited one evening by fearsome warrior bloke Jeff Zhao (Chao) who on mistaking our teen pal for the character he plays online leaves the cute as a (Communist) button Empress-in-waiting Su Lin (Ni Ni) in his care.

Why did this never happen to me as a teen?

It appears that evil barbarian king Arun the Cruel (Bautista) has killed her father and now wishes to marry Su Lin in order to take over the whole kingdom.

Being a bit shit outside of the game poor Jack is easily overcome (tho' not cum over it's only a 12) by a gang of Arun's men who stream out of the box one night and kidnap the Empress.

Realizing that he'll never pull anyone so attractive in real-life our hero quickly follows them into the past, teaming up with Zhao and a oh-so slightly camp wizard in a flying hat and heads off to adventure.

Will our heroic trio be able to defeat the bad men and rescue the girl?

"Here come The Belgians!"

Director Matthias Hoene's brightly coloured, bilingual blend of 80s kids classics (BMX Bandits, Labyrinth and The Karate Kid come to mind) The Warriors Gate is the kind of popcorn adventure movie you adored as a 12 year old - which is probably why it annoyed a few of the virgin neckbeards in the audience, reminding them as it did that they will never feel the touch of a woman and therefore never have kids.

Well not in that way.

Personally I loved it, true the 'heroes quest' seemed a wee bit easy - stopping every few minutes in order to meet a witch (or three) or monster then learn a lesson -  but it's heart was in the right place and the cast (especially 'Big' David Bautista) seemed to be having a ball.

And Ni Ni's costumes were really pretty.

Plus she has the milkiest, smoothest thighs I have ever seen on the big screen.

A perfect Saturday afternoon movie to watch with your kids and unashamedly entertaining, frothy fun that would actually make a pretty cool TeeVee series.

From ancient China to the deserts of Nevada now as we discover that....

It Stains the Sands Red (USA 2016)
Director: Colin Minihan.
Cast: Brittany Allen, Juan Riedinger and Merwin Mondesir.

But doesn't live in a pineapple under the sea unfortunately.

Tight-vested vagabond Nick (Mondesir) and his bright-legging loving GF Molly (A brilliant performance from Allen) are desperate to escape a horrendous flesh-eating apocalypse - as opposed to a non-horrendous happy one - via the scenic Nevada desert.

When forced to stop so that a pissed up/coke smashed Molly can throw up Nick is attacked and killed by a lone zombie (Riedinger) who then proceeds to chase the poor girl thru the desert.

With only a few bottles of water and half a pint of vodka for company our high as a kite heroine must attempt to outrun a stalker who has no need of rest.

Or even to stop for a wee.

In a world gone mad Molly begins to realize that this creeping cadaver is now her only link to reality and a relationship - of sorts - begins to blossom between the two. 

A kinda Romero-wrapped Waiting For Godot - or even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are (un)Dead - this fantastically played (and perfectly paced) two-handerthat has fun with it's concept - and those well worn zombie tropes - ultimately becoming much more than just another undead flick.

Veering from creepy chase movie to buddy comedy via family drama ISTSR is the freshest spin on the zombie genre since The Battery.

True it really should end about 10 minutes before it actually does - the added coda really adds nothing but a wee bit of visual spectacle to the proceedings but thanks to the sheer enjoyment value of everything that's gone before you can forgive it.

This deserves to be seen by a much wider audience.

By that I mean more people not fatter ones.

"I'm not really a welder!"

Next up was a film I was kinda worried about seeing as the publicity material I'd read described it as "A nihilistic meditation on millennial angst and the defense mechanisms needed to protect the vulnerable spirit." which frankly usually means arthouse arse as far as I'm concerned.

I mean Rubber anyone?

So imagine how great it feels when you get proven totally wrong.

The Transfiguration (US, 2016)
Director: Michael O’Shea.
Cast: Eric Ruffin, Chloe Levine and Aaron Moten.

Orphaned African-American teen Milo (A fantastically underplayed performance from Ruffin) in an attempt to escape his depressing life of school, bullying and bothersome brother business decides to drench himself (quite literally) in vampire lore gleaned from such horrors as Nosferatu,  Let the Right One In, The Lost Boys and Near Dark.

His bedroom is covered with posters, his cupboards stuffed with VHS tapes whilst  his journals detail his research and rules regarding the undead.

His (fairly unusual) lifestyle is changed forever tho' when he meets his new neighbour Sophie (A brilliantly Bambi eyed turn from Levine), a strangely wise yet innocent girl who has moved in upstairs to live with her violent grandfather.

What can I say about Michael O'Shea's directorial debut other than it's one of the best and most affecting vampire movies I've seen and one of my favourite films of this year.

Vintage vampiric cinematic gold.

See it.


Shin Godzilla (Japan 2016)
Dir: Hideaki Anno and Shinji Higuchi.
Cast: Hiroki Hasegawa, Yutaka Takenouchi, Satomi Ishihara, the lovely Mikako Ichikawa and Gojira.

The first Japanese Godzilla movie since 2004's Godzilla: Final Wars, Shin - literally meaning 'pure' - Godzilla (the 31st film in the Godzilla franchise, the 29th Godzilla film produced by Toho, and Toho's third reboot of the franchise fact fans) sees The King of the Monsters majestic return to the big screen in a film that has more in common with Ishiro Honda's original 1954 original than any other that have proceeded it.

And for that we should worship at the feet of directors Hideaki (Neon Genesis Evangelion) Anno and Shinji (Sinking of Japan, Attack On Titan) Higuchi.

Remembering the originals nightmarish take on Hiroshima and Nagasaki thru' the medium of giant radioactive monsters, Shin Gojira evokes memories of the 2011 Tōhoku earthquake with its ensuing tsunami plus the meltdown at the Fukushima reactor whilst cheekily taking jabs at the Japanese and American governments along the way as the movie mutates into a kind of Yes Minister Monster Mayhem mash-up.

Disliked by those sad individuals whose only exposure to Gojira seemed to be the '98 US reboot or the latter Toho output where he dances whilst punching fuck out of a variety of ever more ludicrous antagonists (or just Godzilla's Return) - to those of us who fell in love with the grainy black and white original at an early age this film is the ultimate in Kaiju Kino.

"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"

Rounding of the first (full) day of Frightfest was Joe Dietsch and Louie Gibson’s mash-up of Turkey Shoot and The Most Dangerous Game via The Purge....

Happy Hunting (USA 2016)
Dir: Joe Dietsch and Louie Gibson.
Cast: Martin Dingle Wall, Ken Lally, Kenny Wormald and Connor Williams.

Happy Hunting is the tale of piss-stained drifter Warren Novak (Dingle Wall) who, after receiving news that his old girlfriend has died leaving him a young daughter he never knew he had heads off to Mexico to make things right.

Pursued  by a couple of dodgy drug types after a meth-lab love-in ends in a messy shoot out our pissed pal ends up in the small town of Bedford Flats looking for a bed and a burger before heading on his way he's surprised to discover that the locals enjoy nothing better than rounding up drifters and hunting them as part of an elaborate sporting event.

Nicely played and confidentially directed, Happy Hunting is an enjoyable enough movie but just lacks that certain something to make it a great one.

Probably a giant lizard or some such.

"He did WHAT in his cup?"

With Friday night over there was just enough time to sample the friendly Glasgow nightlife before heading to bed in order to be refreshed for what promised to be a day packed with some of the best horror movies ever made.

Oh and...

Laters.

maiden japan.

Certain readers have been saying that there's way too much violence on this blog and not enough love and romance.

So dear friends I've taken it upon myself to change all that.

Break out the Champagne and strawberries, dim the lights and snuggle up to a loved one as I give you the perfect Valentines Day movie....

Maid Droid (2009).
Dir: Naoyuki Tomomatsu
Cast: Anri Suzuki, Akiho Yoshizawa, Mari Yamaguchi, a few other folk and introducing Roger the randy robot shag hound.

Welcome to Tokyo of the future where the worlds most successful company Maidlord Development have cornered the market in realistic looking, custom built robot maids and pets for the discerning consumer.

So far so Blade Runner.

But don't forget that this is a Japanese straight to DVD presentation featuring young giggly AV stars so there's bound to be a big bad rapist stalking the street too, chasing short skirted, white panted young girls before tripping them up and shagging them senseless.

All show from his point of view of course.

Which is nice if a little disconcerting if you're watching with your mum.

Meanwhile back at the (other, non-forced sex) plot:

Enter young, basin haired Ueno (I'm begging you to, it might cheer him up), a geeky wee boy whose parents happen to work at Maidlord developing the aforementioned new technology meaning that their poor son is left alone most of the time with only his Transform Pandon toys and a shelf full of tentacle porn DVD's for company.

I think we're meant to feel sorry for him but frankly that situation sounds like heaven to me.

No caption needed.

Anyway, his folks, deducing that they've not been spending enough 'quality time' with the boy (and noticing how many boxes of tissues he's getting thru' in a week) decide to bring home a brand new prototype maid droid -model name: Maria- (played to wooden skittle styled perfection by Mari Yamaguchi, star of the popular At the Mercy of the Darkness: Ayano's Bizarre Delusions and Uncle's Paradise) they've been working on to look after him.

Cue a funny and heartwarming housework montage featuring Maria tripping over the vacuum cleaner lead, burning cakes and getting stuck in the fridge - which I'll admit is fairly amusing and a nice break from all that sexual assualt stuff  earlier - but even this happiness is short lived as it's not long before Ueno’s parents are killed in a bizarre accident involving a dodgy furnace and a giant inflatable Hello Kitty, leaving the teen boy in the guardianship of Maria.

Cliff Richard gave 'pin the santa
beard on the whore' his best shot.

As Ueno grows older (and his hormones kick in) he becomes more and more interested in ladies  - and having sweaty sex with them whilst Maria sits in the corner - but soon comes (and comes to realize) that real girls are all dirty whores only interested in his money.

Oh, and his massive cock based on the silhouette we see during the films only human on human sex scene.

Really, I was so impressed I had to watch it twice.

Luckily I had the remote in my free hand.

Sitting dejected on his bed and wallowing in the damp patch, Ueno quietly contemplates why his relationships never work, wondering if he'll ever meet his soulmate.

Slowly his looks across at Maria and realizes that he actually found true love many years ago.

Yup, he's effectively got the hots for the hoover.

Detective Yuri Akag: Tokyo's
answer to Juliet Bravo.

As they say tho', the path of true love never runs smooth and this relationship is no different.

You see because Maria was an early prototype maid droid her designers decided that there wasn't any point fitting her with genitalia.

Which you can kinda understand, it'd be like your Aquavac having a fanny bolted to the side.

Luckily for both parties, Ueno's love for Maria is pure-hearted and untainted with carnal thoughts meaning he's happy to sit about in the nude giving her a good wash occasionally whilst desperately trying not to look at her gloriously soapy breasts.

Maria however can't help but notice how Ueno spends the rest of the afternoon wandering about with a pillow clutched to his crotch and offers to give him a blow job if he fancies it.

Which he does.

So he's obviously not that pure hearted and sweet, the dirty droid shagging pervert.

Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Talking of droids and shagging that evil rapist is still on the loose in the city and hard boiled, harsh faced Detective Yuri Akagi (ex bikini model and star of Chain Gang Girls Suzuki) suspects that a rogue robot could be responsible.

Heading off to the Maidlord offices in an attempt to get to the bottom of all this forced sex business Akagi is introduced to the head of the company, a 107 year old man who's had his mind transferred into the body of a wizened wooden doll.

Sounds legit.

"You're fired! And by the way, I'm shagging your weans!"

Between chats covering such wide ranging subjects as the futility of being and what constitutes free will we're entertained by a tour of the factories robot building faculties, specifically the area given over to 'testing' the newest wave of Pornbots giving the viewer plenty of opportunity to watch a blonde haired, red panted Japanese girl being probed, poked and pinched in every orifice by two sweaty fat men with porn moustaches wearing horrible checked shirts.

For about a quarter of an hour.

It's like watching your dad and his best pal shagging the papergirl.

Again.

"I still can't find 6 Music!"

As interesting as all this robo-rutting is, Akagi is in the middle of a quite interesting discussion as to why the market is dominated by female pleasure droids and not male ones, reckoning that women are more complex than men when choosing a lover whereas guys just want somewhere to stick their cocks.

Puppet man disagrees informing her that men that enjoy cuddling, romance and girly stuff but just aren't attractive to real women, who because of their shallow personalities, prefer hunky abusive guys that beat them up before forcing themselves on them.

Well I'm glad he's made that clear, not at all a sweeping (and oh so misogynistic) statement guaranteed to raise the hackles of any self respecting feminist watching.

And scarily the script was written by a women.

No really.

"Not even the sonic screwdriver
can get me out of this one!"

Just to prove his point the little old puppet man uses his scary - and until now never mentioned - psychic powers to 'mind shag' Akagi and in a sweaty, grunting scene of schoolboy masturbation heaven manages to cleanse  her mind of such foolish feminist notions giving her the strength to catch the robot rapist.

Which I guess makes it OK then.

Meanwhile Ueno (remember him?) is sitting in his pants gazing lovingly at Maria who, since her batteries have died has been sitting happily in the broom cupboard.

Aw, ain't love sweet?

As it happens, now that he's an old man with terrible penile dysfunction the sex doesn't matter anymore and he's decided that he and Maria should get married.

Don't worry tho' before it can get too soppy we're back with the short of skirt yet long of leg Akagi who's taken to searching the dimly lit dirty backstreet's of Tokyo to finally nail (tho' she's more likely to get nailed if the rest of the film's anything to go by) the rapist.

Without warning (well except for the loud clanking and whirring sound) the sex-beast is finally revealed in all it's mid-eighties sub Doctor Who glory.

You see, Akagi was only half right when she guessed the rapist was a robot, it is in fact a rogue robot dog (complete with a floppy wet tongue and rotating day-glo penis) that has built himself a bigger and stronger body from discarded robot parts.

And the reason for his reign of wanton rape and pantie ripping?

It appears that his (female) owner threw him out when she got bored looking after him and all he really wants to do is make ladies happy in the only way he knows how.

By having sex with them.

Fair enough.

Akagi: fancies a bit of "Ruff!" obviously.

Realizing that the creepy wooden man was right about all woman wanting rough sex, Akagi decides that the only way to curb the dogs randy ways is to slowly strip off her undies and allow him have sex with her before turning the poor pooch off at the point of orgasm.

We really should have more community police like this.

As the moaning gets louder and the sweat stinkier we head back over to Ueno's house, where the old man has finally managed to put Maria's finger in his diamond encrusted ring....

Will Maria agree to the marriage?

Will Akagi end up getting bored and faking it?

And will randy rover really care as long as he's getting his jollies?

A rare, non nude, non dog mounted
Anri Suzuki yesterday.

From the director and writer team that gave us the sublime Stacy – Attack of the Schoolgirl Zombies, Zombie Self-Defense Force and Eat The Schoolgirl, Mr. Naoyuki Tomomatsu and Ms. Chisato Ogawara comes this heartbreaking and sensitive tale exploring the ideology of - both physical and spiritual - love and the inherent misogyny that can occur in some otaku culture via bestiality and forced full colour sex.

Tho' I'm assuming it's more about the aforementioned sex if I'm honest.

Playing out like a sniggering schoolboy softcore version of Electric (wet) Dreams, Maid Droid bravely raises some interesting moral and intellectual questions regarding it's basic premise before quickly ditching them like so many hot Pop Tarts to concentrate on the more pressing issue of entertaining those sad, lonely men that live in their parents garage.

Fair enough.

Which, while I must admit is a good cause in itself it's not one I really want to think about whilst watching a stern Japanese actress getting shagged by a huge cardboard and MDF dog.

Saying that tho', the kids enjoyed it a damn sight more than they did Pinnochio, which is great for me cos it's a helluva lot shorter.

And it doesn't feature a bloody singing cricket.

Family fun all round then I guess.

turning japanese.

Been mixing some music and visuals for an upcoming Tokyo A Go-Go night here (see? I do have a social life) and Mrs Lamont and myself got talking about the very wonderful Saiko Exciting.

For those of you too young (or too non-resident in the UK) to know what I'm ranting about, Saiko Exciting was a weekly two-hour Saturday & Sunday morning entertainment show from The Sci-Fi Channel focusing on all things Japanese presented by the very wonderful Seera (Sarah Backhouse, later to be seen on the Star Trek movie re-releases as the galaxies sexiest Starfleet Science Officer waxing lyrically on such subjects as V'Ger, Thalaron Radiation and Khan) aided and abetted by Jonathan Clements (no me neither) and with games reviews from Emily Newton-Dunn of Bitz fame.

Mixed between segments on how to order pints of lager in Japanese, uncomfortable  J-Pop pogo-ing and small children screaming were full episodes of Neon Genesis Evengelion and possibly THE greatest anime of all time the sublime Martian Successor Nadesico, a show so brilliant that even just hearing it's theme tune - You Get To Burning performed by Yumi Matsuzawa - was enough to banish any signs of a hangover.

Best of all tho' these shows aired uncut.

So let's take a moment to remember those heady days - by clicking this handy link - but most of all to bathe in the beauteous loveliness of  Sarah Backhouse.

お げんき で！

yo gabba baba!

Someone once asked if I ever watch any good movies.

The answer is yes.

Tho' I rarely review them as it's really difficult to take the piss.

Case in point.....

Onibaba (鬼婆, 1964).
Dir: Kaneto Shindo.
Cast: Nobuko Otowa, Jitsuko Yoshimura, Kei Satō, Taiji Tonoyama and
Jūkichi Uno.

I'm not a demon! I'm a human being!

The place: Japan, the time: round about the Battle of Minatogawa during the Nanboku-chō period - and probably around lunchtime on a Wednesday by the look of it.

And yes I can tell that just by the height of the reeds and the angle of the sun I'm that good.

Anyway rushing thru' the aforementioned reeds are two wounded warriors fleeing from a group of soldiers on horseback in a scene so well staged that Franklin J. Schaffner would steal it wholesale from Planet Of The Apes four years later.

Hiding in the big bushes till their hunters have passed our unlucky twosome are fairly surprised when out of nowhere - well out from behind some tall grass but you know what I mean - two women spear the pair to death and stealing their armour and weapons before dropping the bodies in a nearby hole.

Which is nice.

The women - fright-browed Brenda (movie star cum mistress to the director Otowa) and her boyish and bouncy daughter-in-law Betty (Pigs and Battleships and Dodes'ka-den star Yoshimura) return to their tiny, ramshackle hut and settle down for the evening.

Well cold blooded killing does take it out of you.

"私は彼らのうちの1人が私のお尻を泳いで欲しくない！"

The next morn the pair take their ill-gotten booty to the local tomb-toothed merchant Jeff Ushi (Tonoyama star of almost every Japanese film made between 1939 and 1989 including the fantastic Katsushika Hokusai biopic Hokusai Manga) to trade for food.

Tho' not soap or washing powder judging by the black rings round their necks.

Seriously you can smell the stale sweat, egg and yeast thru' the screen.

Offering them a measly two bags of rice for the lot the pair begrudgingly accept, complaining as they pack their bags about his lack of compassion and general greediness.

Ushi agrees that he's maybe been a wee bit tight so offers an extra bag if he's allowed to touch Brenda's thighs.

Unimpressed she angrily storms off in a huff.

Which is a shame because they're quite breath-taking for an old girl.

Heading home the mismatched maidens pass the time by discussing the war raging around them, it seems that Brenda's son Tony left to fight years back so the pair have been looking out for each other ever since.

But all that is about to change with the return of their next door neighbour - the local wide-boy and best pal of her son, Brian Hachi (Satō, star of Kuroneko and Seven Samurai) who after scoffing most of their supper informs Brenda that her son is dead.

But the food isn't the only thing he has his - milky- eye on for it seems he has a soft (oh go on then semi-soft and getting harder) spot for Betty.

And it appears that she may feel the same.

Saucy.

あなたは緊張を感じることができます....または、チーズとタマネギのモンスターが狂っていますか？

One day as the ladies are washing their pants in the stream as Brian lazily catches fish a pair of angry samurai (are there any other kind?) ride by having a massive fight.

In any other movie this would be unusual but not here.

Oh no.

Leaping from their horses and into the water the pair continue fighting, oblivious to the trio watching them from the river's edge.

As one of the shouty samurai approaches them for help, Hachi drops his fishing rod and violently stabs him with his spear whilst the ladies drown his adversary, taking the still wet armour to sell to stinky Jeff.

Whilst Brenda is away cutting a deal tho' horny Hachi finally seduces Betty and from then on the young woman sneaks from her hut every night to indulge in 'the  sex' with him.

Lucky sod.

It's not long before Brenda learns of their relationship and begins to formulate a plan to keep Betty for herself.

あなたは2回...

Unfortunately the plan involves standing astride him as he's trying to sunbathe and licking her lips whilst gyrating wildly to One Direction which has the effect of Hachi telling her in no uncertain terms to "性交する".

 

Despondent, depressed and feeling tres dowdy Brenda heads home alone.

私はあなたを愛しています...それは魔法でもいいですか？

That  night, while Hachi and Betty are together, a lost samurai (Tora-san's Sunrise and Sunset's Uno) in a terrifying Hannya mask appears at Brenda's window, threatening to kill the woman if she refuses to guide him safely thru the reeds.

Walking at swordpoint (well it's the nearest she's gonna get to having a guy stick something in her) thru' the swaying reeds Brenda becomes bored with the samurai's constant chat and tales of how handsome, daring and bold he is so in a fit of pique tricks him into falling into the pit where her and Betty dispose of their victims.

Climbing down herself she steals his armour and possessions before attempting to remove his mask.

Tugging and pulling away (well she is very lonely) it finally comes free revealing the fallen samurai's hideous scarred visage.

Returning home with her spoils Brenda sits alone gazing at the mask and suddenly realizes it may come in useful if she wishes to 'save' Bettie from Hachi's lustful embrace.....

 



No idea what to say about Onibaba that hasn't been said a thousand times before and by folk who can actually write but fuck it I'll do my best.


One of the greatest - and most influential - movies of all time, Kaneto Shindo's Onibaba is a beautifully shot, starkly realized waking nightmare of a movie that's as darkly disturbing as it is icily erotic.


Based on a Shin Buddhist parable the director heard as a child, Shindo transforms the tale from one of Brothers Grimm-style child-based cannibalism into a darkly disturbing story of sex, death and random acts of violence that spiral uncontrollably to a climax laced with supernatural tendencies and a foreboding, ever more suffocating sense of paranoia.


Cast to perfection and with cinematography to die for from the genius of longtime Shindo collaborator Kiyomi Kuroda, Onibaba is one of those rare films that transcends mere cinema to become a work of art.


A wee bit like Zombie Lake obviously.


Onibaba's richly ravishing darkness can be seen in everything from Nagisa Oshima's In The Realm Of The Senses to Takashi Miike's Audition via the aforementioned Planet of The Apes, Hideo Nakata's Ringu, David Lynch's Blue Velvet and even The Force Awakens (Rey's occupation on Jakku, her 'awakening' - as a Force user as opposed to sexually when confronting Kylo Ren in his 'demon' mask for example) amongst others, cementing it's place as quite possibly the greatest - and sexiest - psychological horror not just to come out of Japan but probably of all time.


Utter unadulterated genius.


Oh yeah and Nobuko Otowa gives probably the most scarily sexual eyebrow based performance ever captured on celluloid.


Just saying.


Don't worry I'll be back to watching shite before you know it.