back for good.

So...did you miss me?

Terribly sorry about the appalling lack of activity (paranorman or otherwise) over the last few months but between work and Megan based death threats there's been precious little time to update.

But I'm back now and just in time for this years Glasgow Frightfest.

You lucky people.

A poster today.

And this year promises to be a blood curdling bugger of a beast, including as it does the fantastic Ti (don't call me Fred) West's cult of the damned shocker THE SACRAMENT with an appearance by the man himself and Jake (don't call me Ti) West and producer Marc (the Mack) Morris introducing the world premiere of VIDEO NASTIES: DRACONIAN DAYS, their sequel to the critically acclaimed VIDEO NASTIES: MORAL PANIC, CENSORSHIP & VIDEOTAPE documentary this time featuring Jon Pertwee's favourite monsters.

Probably.

A Draconian yesterday.

If that wasn't enough there's also the world premiere of THE SCRIBBLER, based on Dan Shaffer’s bestselling graphic novel (that's a kinda comic book but with swearing and stuff in it) featuring the tissue tearing trio of Eliza Dushku, Michelle Trachtenberg and Sasha Grey.

Expect scares, shocks and stubborn stains.

The Scribbler: words.

Director John Suits (you sir!), producer of the bloody nosed CHEAP THRILLS will be in attendance as will Jordan ("And it's goodnight from him!") Barker, director of the terrific sucker punch home invasion chiller TORMENT, starring the yumsome Katharine (I have her home number) Isabelle, which will receive its European premiere at the festival.

Thrills: Cheap.

 

Also attending is Indiana writer/director Zack (Saved by The Bell) Parker, with the UK premiere of his Slenderman starring PROXY, a daring and highly original chiller (it says here and who am I to argue?).

Proxy: foxy.

And there are more UK premieres including the bigger, wickeder and possibly hairier WOLF CREEK 2, KILLERS, a dark, twisted tale from the Mo Brothers duo of Kimo Stamboel and Timo Tjahjanto and two highly impressive feature debuts - Cliff (Darth Vader) Prowse and Derek (Enter the Dragon/The Big Boss Man) Lee’s AFFLICTED, a clever spin on the found-footage trend and Spanish director Jorge 'cheese' Dorado’s probing, twisty MINDSCAPE starring Mark (Sinestro) Strong.

Wolf Creek: Crocodile Dunaweelassieupthearse.

And if that's not enough there are also Scottish premieres of the Sci-fi shocker ALMOST HUMAN directed by Joe Begos and director Michael S. Ojeda’s provocative and compelling SAVAGED plus a drunken man in a wheelchair who will suddenly walk away during any boring bits and someone in a Rob Zombie t-shirt.

Mark: Strong.

See you there!

plug.

Sorry about the lack of updates recently but boring stuff like work has gotten in the way of cinematic sewage viewing.

On a brighter note it does mean that  the first collection of Shaftons Place is finally finished and now available to buy.

 100% true tales, random gossip and idle banter from the West Midlands smallest town.

54 pages of groovy goodness that hits your lips like an unholy pairing of David Lynch and The Chuckle Brothers waltzing to a soundtrack by Slade.

The perfect gift!

who knew?

With news of Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who filling the airwaves (and T'interweb) and with BBC security being so tight I'm surprised that this leaked so early.

Avoid if you hate spoilers.

blind date.

Occasionally dear reader a film comes along that is so powerful, so disturbing that it leaves you speechless.

This is one such movie.

Tho' possibly not for the reasons the director intended.

Megan is Missing (2010).
Dir: Michael Goi.
Cast: Amber Perkins, Rachel Quinn and Dean Waite.

Opening with a very serious title card that informs us that the movie we are about to see is based on a true story (scary), the film then hedges it's reality bets and throws all hope of suspense to the wind by revealing this:

And not a single fuck was given.

Yup, two minutes in and we already know the ending but we can still live in the vain hope that we'll probably get some top-notch Larry Clark 'Kids' style acting or at the very least shots of Megan stripping seductively for her mysterious online stalker Josh or even some fumbling girl on girl action between the leads.

But all chances of these things happening quickly disseminate into the ether when the film starts good and proper and you realise that you're about to experience an incredibly dull seventy odd minutes of the horse faced, Bratz doll made flesh Megan (Quinn from Gene DePaul's Chicago-based stage version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) whining constantly about school, her hair, parties, boys and the sex.

In arse numbingly graphic detail.

Amazingly all the close-ups of Megan's luscious lips and scarily elongated face as she chats in-depth about blow jobs, descriptions of spunky undies and tales of underage nookie to anyone that's listening are so tedious as to make the thought of doing anything remotely sexual again (especially with any abducted teens you may have in your cupboard) nay on impossible thanks to her nasally voice as it burrows ever deeper into your brain like a bloated cranium worm.

Cheers for that hen.

"You want me to do WHAT in your cup?"

And rather than make us care about Megan with all these heart felt teenage chats, writer/director/closet fetishist Goi only succeeds in making her not only totally repulsive but also deserving of a bloody good kicking.

To be honest you actually start counting down to her abduction, knowing that you'll finaly get a break from her constant, self-absorbed bollocks.

At one point I honestly thought that moon-faced best buddy Amy had done it just so she could get a word in edgeways the poor cow.

"Crap chat police! You're under arrest sugar!

Anyways, between all this talking shite and applying lipgloss it appears that Megan has been flirting online to a hunky skater-boi named Josh and has arranged to meet him.

Surprise, surprise Josh is a bad man who violently snatches Megan away never to be seen again.

And worse than that is the fact that Josh isn't even his real name!

The bounder!

She might look upset now but just you wait till arse banditary starts.

Amy upon realising that she has no idea how to start a conversation now motor-mouth Megan has gone decides to turn all Nancy Drew on us (minus the pop socks obviously) and investigate the disappearance of her pal.

Weeks later tho', Amy also vanishes.




So far, so TeeVee movie of the week but hark! the director has one final trick up his sleeve.

 You see it appears that after weeks of searching that the police have discovered Amy's camera in a bin.

And someone seems to have been posting vaguely embarrassing pictures of what could be Megan on a bizarro bondage fetish site.

"Shite in mah whiny American mooth!"

Bring on the real-time footage of Amy, stripped to her undies, caked in mud and chained up in a cellar as she's systematically abused, raped and sworn at by 'Josh' in gloriously unflinching eighties nasty style sleaze-arama.

But if you think that this is all a wee bit too exploitationy for a public service mocumentary then you ain't see owt yet because dirty boy Goi has an ace in the bag.

Or more precisely Megan's rotting corpse in a barrel.

Which I'll admit was unexpected.

Bored by all this torture and tears, Josh decides to pop Amy into the barrel too as our family friendly director closes the film by filming Josh's feet as he digs a hole big enough to put the barrel in as the soundtrack is filled with Amy's screams.

for almost twelve and a half minutes.

"Laugh now!"

Like a living, breathing copy of Chat Magazine with it's wholesome, family friendly tales of holiday rape and cheery infanticide stories, Megan is Missing seems to exist in a bizarre void where public safety films and early eighties sleaze, both drunk on cheap gin and high on poppers have shagged each other senseless in a grimy back alley before spewing forth an ultra-foul, faux Cinéma vérité baby, misshapen, and twisted yet still managing to vomit ill-conceived torture porn cunningly masquerading as scaremongering public service propaganda from it's lipless mouth.

Available from all good newagents!

Utilising the by now criminally clichéd found footage scenario, Megan is Missing is made up of around 70% camcorder and mobile phone stuff, 20% CCTV footage and news reports with the final 10% appearing to be the directors private fantasy files made flesh.

Possibly.

If so then he wont have been the first director to put his wildest sexual dreams on film but at least the others were a wee bit more honest and didn't wrap them in public service cotton wool.

Tho' maybe I'm being too harsh about the poor guy (harsh, me?) and Michael Goi  did actually have his heart in the right place whilst making this.

If that's the case then it's just a pity he appeared to have his free hand shoved firmly down the front of his underpants for the last twenty or so minutes really.

Fuck I really need a bleach shower now.

whatever happened to...

...Rosemary, baby?

Find out at Chiller Theatre April 29-May 1, 2011.

End of plug!

movin' on up.

Just to let regular readers (if there are any) that the Arena will be a wee bit quiet over the next month or so due to moving house.

Yup, it's got to a point where Unwell Towers is so packed to the brink with DVD tat (and the neighbours are threatening to set fire to us) that we're having to relocated to somewhere with an underground vault.

Unfortunately Joseph Fritzl's house has been sold but we did get a great deal on this nice little property.

See you all as soon as they decide to reconnect my broadbean!

people you fancy but shouldn't part 26.

Catriona Shearer; full time Scottish news reader and part time rock chick.

sinister sunday of shock.

Friend of the Arena and professional film fact man Calum Waddell is at it again at the infamous Glasgow Film Theatre on October 24th (this year time travellers) with the spooktacular Sinister Sunday of Shock!

Now there's a mooth made for shite-in in!

Less a lazy film afternoon more of a chance to feel your brain molested by maniacal movie mayhem, the line up includes the UK premiere screening of Frank Henenlotter's disturbingly decadent (or at the very least something else that begins with 'd') documentary HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS: THE GODFATHER OF GORE, a rare chance to see Nico Mastorakis' goat scaring Greek treat ISLAND OF DEATH on the big screen and with the great man himself in attendance for an audience Q and A and whitewash drinking contest (probably) as well as the Lamberto Bava classic DEMONS in all it's cinematic g(l)ory (with special guest Sir Sergio of Stivaletti - the man behind the frighteningly realistic FX in such movies as DEMONS, DEMONS 2, PHENOMENA, OPERA, THE CHURCH, CEMETERY MAN, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, MOTHER OF TEARS as well as directing the kinky classic WAX MASK).

"Beware! The British censor!"

Oh and if you're feeling generous you can buy the illustrator currently working alongside DEMONS star Geretta-Geretta on a comic sequel to the first movie a drink if you like!

Need? Every.

And if that wasn't enough for you greedy people there's a second UK premiere, this time of the EXPOSE/HOUSE ON STRAW HILL remake STALKER with pert breasted saucy starlet Jane March in attendance as well as a mini CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST celebration as Francesca Ciardi (AKA Faye Daniels) makes her first UK public appearance to prove for once and for all that she wasn't really killed making it.

Thrice.

The turtle however tells another story.

So there you have it my friends; one day, four films, copious amounts of alcohol, celebrity guests, some scary surprises and maybe a secret party or two (well, one) and all for a meagre £22 or £18 for dole scum and students).

See you there!

stitch this.

Just arrived at the Arena, the teaser trailer for the God-like Alan (Jesus Vs. The Messiah) Ronald's 'STITCHGIRL' segment of 'BORDELLO DEATH TALES' the new horror anthology from Jinx Media and Amber Pictures.

And you can see it here and whilst you're waiting for the film's release read on and enjoy the directors answers to the very first Unwell inquisition.

1. Live and let die or a nice, hot pie?

Strangely enough this is exactly the same opening question they asked me in the hospital. I opted for pie.

2. Junk, funk, punk or Chunk?

Chunk with a capital 'C'? I assume therefore you are referring to 'the' Chunk. Sloth loves Chunk...in the mooth.

3. Papa’s got a brand new….

love for model trains.

4. Eastwood ho! Westwood ho!

Northwood! hm?

5. These boots were made for walking.

But only with the addition of feet.

6. Black Friday, blue Monday?

What is next in this sequence?

7. Days of wine and roses, days of Pearly Spencer or day of the dead?

You sure know how to treat a lady!

8. The girl, the body or the pill?

All three, but not necessarily in that order.

9. Bates motel, motel hell, hotel California.

Which one has a mini bar?

10. things I hate about…..

Jesus taught me never to hate...bastard.

smith's crisp.

Big chinned, floppy haired unknown Matt Smith has been named as the actor who will be clawing the key to the TARDIS from David Tennant's still warm hands next year to cries of "Who the fuck is he?" from a concerned viewing public.

Noel Fielding IS The Doctor!
Who'd have thunk it?

Smith, 14, has already built up an impressive CV on stage, on his paper round and the small screen (well that really depends on the size of your telly doesn't it?) including BBC Two's critically acclaimed yet mostly unwatched political drama Party Animals in which he played a parliamentary researcher who wore glasses similar to Tennant's in Doctor Who, the hit comedy The Mighty Boosh and opposite the fish-lipped, Jew baiting ex Doctor Who star Billie Hartnell in the 2006 adaptation of Philip Pullman's The Ruby and the Wax, which starred Billie as Sammy Hagar.

Billie: One day he will come back.

He later reprised his role as Jim's tailor - the dog bodied roadie sidekick to Sir Hank Marvin - in The Shadow's Oop North (2007).

The actor's stage work has included stints selling ice cream at London's Royal Court and in the bar at the National Theatre.

Smith: (Time) lordy lordy!

Born to a family of Romanian travelling minstrels in 1998, Smith originally planned to be either a train driver, astronaut, superhero or a famous footballer, playing for the Leicester City and Nottingham Forest youth academies, a serious injury sustained whilst saving a young mother from a rampaging bull in Bloxwich town centre scuppered his sporting dreams and, after seeing Timmy Mallett in panto as Buttons decided to give 'this acting lark' a shot.

In an exclusive shot from the new series,
Smith is seen battling the dreaded Sontarans.

His work cleaning out the ashtrays at the National Youth Theatre got him both an agent and his first professional job before graduation, appearing in the violently titled Fresh Kills at the Royal Food Court, Ipswich in 2004, before joining the cast of On the Shore of the Wide World for a drink in the theatre bar.

It was here that he demonstrated his unique ability to balance 12 beer mats on his chin, a skill which won him the role of Torchwood in Lennie Bennett's The History Boys.

His West End debut in Swimming With Sharks, opposite ex Supergirl Christian Slater and some sharks (obviously) before appearing alongside the saucy star of Rome Lindsay (mother of Blue Peter presenter Peter) Duncan in That Face of Boe to critical acclaim at London's Duke of York's Theatre.

Slater: Menswear.

Current Doctor and star of Top Gear, sexy Scotsman David Tennant, 27, has said Smith's "life is about to change in so many ways, what with puberty approaching" and Doctor Who Godhead Steven Moffatt, who was kind enough to speak exclusively to me on the phone earlier had this to add.

Duncan: experienced.

"Aye son, we had a wee shuftie thru' loads o' famous actors an' stuff but it made sense to cast wee Matt. I mean that bastard Tennant costs a bomb noo he's famous but wid the new fella bein' under 16 we can pay him what we like....as long as he's got The Beano and a Mars bar he's happy. You ken?"

Moffat and Tennant just before the
Scots superstar was pushed.

"The only problem we've got is with him being a wean we cannae do night shoots on a school night seein' as his mam wants him tucked up in bed before 9. Noo get to fuck before I set aboot ya!"

More news as it comes in but until then, welcome aboard Noel!*







*Be aware that this is a joke and I'm really looking forward to it!

who's next?

Find out the morrow at 17:35, BBC 1.....

the satan pitch.

Greatest Doctor Who based news story of the year?

Could be!

A Trowbridge Christian who renounced the evil of Doctor Who in favour of his newly discovered religious beliefs is selling his entire collection on internet auction website eBay.

But he hasn't sold his story to the paper to drum up extra publicity and more cash.

Obviously.

White: Sad and lonely man.

Balding and pot bellied Simon White, 47, became obsessed (and possibly possessed) by Doctor Who from a very early age and started collecting and building life-size models, finally sharing his home (but hopefully not his bed) with a full-size Dalek, two Cybermen and K-9.

The collection, which Mr White estimates is worth over £8.25, was built up over a number of years but is to be cast aside because of his religious beliefs.

Doctor Who and his materialistic obsession with it represents the "greatest lie that Satan ever told" said Mr White in his annoyingly nasally voice before continuing "I loved it, it was my favourite, I'd spend hours cracking one off over pictures of Sophie Aldred till I realised how silly the idea of a man from he heavens who walks amongst us giving us lessons on life and fighting evil whilst possessing the power to be 'resurrected' upon death was childish. I mean who would believe such stuff?".

Tennant: Satanic baby eater (allegedly).

He excitedly added, rubbing his sweating palms on his grease stained trousers (almost as if he'd hardly experience the company of anything other than his right hand): "I loved science fiction as a kid. It was the TARDIS that did it for me (in a non sexual way I hope). You could get in that box and go anywhere. I started collecting Doctor Who stuff starting with the Dalek, which I got from an old exhibitionist in Brighton whilst me and a 'friend' spent two years making the TARDIS. It was then I discovered that the series had possessed me, the voices started telling me to kill whores and bury the bodies in Cromer. I couldn't stop myself...I made a model of K-9, then a full size Cyberman with authentic parts".

Authentic parts? What? cybernetic implants and the bodies of old tramps?

Sick fuck.

Aldred: pleasures of the palm.

"I had to retire early from my job as a nurse at the Royal United Hospital in Bath because I was caught attempting to graft extra hearts onto the old folk. I turned to drink and constant masturbation before becoming an alcoholic (no doubt to give him something to do with the other hand).

The Doctor Who obsession was the only thing that kept me going.

It was as if it was controlling my thoughts and movements a wee bit like The Ood in that story The Satan Pit.

I couldn't have given it up even if you'd have put a gun to my head."

Or a Dalek plunger up his arse perhaps?

A Dalek prepares to devour some
children's souls yesterday.

Luckily Mr Smith discovered Christianity and has renounced his old life, feeling it more realistic to blindly hate homosexuals and their ilk rather than fictional characters such as the potato headed Sontarans and is putting his whole collection up for sale in local trade magazines and on eBay.

He said: "God delivered me from the evil that is Doctor Who, materialism, masturbation, fisting and alcoholism.

Through my relationship with Jesus I saw that none of this was making me happy and I was born again like Lazarus, or maybe the Master in Utopia.

It's a timely tale as we come up to Easter, the story of Jesus I mean not Earthshock and I wanted to loudly bore others by harping on about how no matter what trouble you are in God can deliver you from the evil.

Can he?
Tell that to the hundreds of innocents dead in the numerous war zones across the planet.

"If you are prepared to have a relationship with him then God can help".

Surely that's a bit like an old man saying "make smoke come out of my magic pipe and I'll give you five pounds"?

Sounds well suspect if you ask me.

The Doctor in the olden days shortly before he
betrayed Jesus, causing him to be
nailed to two planks of wood. Bastard.

"I have been resurrected. My old life is dead, my new life is alive."

Fair enough, now can you fuck off and stop annoying us normal folk with your frankly tragic little life you sad, sad man.

If you are interested in buying the Doctor Who figures (or feel like ripping the piss out of Mr. White because honestly he's fair game) contact the Wiltshire Times & Chippenham News on (01225) 773643 or email their website.