you ain't seen me, right?

Invisible Invaders (1959).
Dir: Edward L. Cahn.
John Agar, Jean Byron, Philip Tonge, Robert Hutton, John Carradine, Hal Torey Paul Langton, Eden Hartford, Don Kennedy and Chuck Niles.

Dear Lord, I pray that I am insane, that all that happened is only in my mind. I pray that tomorrow the sun will shine again on living things, not on a world where only the dead walk the Earth.

Welcome to the awfully atomic-obsessed 1950s where we join eminent science type Dr. Karol Noymann* (Carradine, covered in talc and wearing a tramps suit) just as he's killed in a huge explosion whilst trying to weaponise his farts to use against 'the Red Menace'.

Probably.

But the sudden death of this well respected and much-loved member of the science establishment shakes this close knit community to the core and prompts  his college Dr. Adam Penner (Tonge, father of Pete) to resign his position as chief weapons type bloke and call for changes to the governments atomic remit, hoping that the power will be used for good instead.

Obviously the military tell him to fuck off which he does, heading back home to ponder the fate of humanity whilst his scarily long-armed daughter Phyllis (TV stalwart Byron -  best known as Natalie Lane in The Patty Duke Show) gazes at him worriedly whilst making coffee.

Brexit in a nutshell.

Things soon take a change for the weird tho' when just after Noymann's funeral, an invisible alien takes over his dead body and - after digging its way out of the ground obviously -  visits Dr. Penner at home to inform him that humanity must surrender all its atomic weapons and prepare to be ruled by his fellow aliens, failure to comply will be met by an invading force that will possess the bodies of the dead, set fire to all the community centres and kick the bins over.

As if to demonstrate their unearthly powers the alien makes what look like a jacketed spud wrapped in tinfoil appear from nowhere before vanishing into the night.

Obviously unnerved by this strange turn of events Penner nervously tells his daughter what happened before asking the eminent mustache expert Dr. John Lamont (balsa wood like B movie star Hutton, best known - God help him - for Torture Garden) to relay the alien's message to the US government.

It wont come as too much of a surprise when I say that the government ignores the warning whilst the fake news media accuse Penner of spreading some kind of anti-alien project fear.

Undeterred by this reaction Penner persuades Phyllis and Lamont to accompany him to Noymann's grave that very night in the hope of catching one of the aliens wandering about and bizarrely enough this actually works - the alien then helpfully explains everything again before shuffling off into the night.

Cue much stock footage of car and plane crashes as the aliens re-animated a variety of dead folk in order to infiltrate a couple of hockey games in order to announce their invasion plans to the world.

Oh and to also announce that they've just blown up Russia and Denmark.

Which is a unique way of doing it if nothing else.

"I love you....could it be magic?"

With every major sporting event interrupted by the undead threatening violence,  the governments of the world have no choice but to listen and as these evil aliens possess more and more dead bodies and begin to blow up even more random stuff - depending on what disaster footage comes to hand - Drs Penner and Lamont alongside the ever more worried Phyllis are whisked away to a top secret bunker by the heroically handsome Major Jay 'Kay' (Agar from The Mole People) in order to find a way to stop the invasion.

Cue 30 minutes of sweaty lipped science based shenanigans alongside an ill-conceived love triangle 'tween Phyllis, the hunky Jay and cowardly Lamont as our heroes race against time - and acceptable skirt lengths - to find something to counter the alien attack with that doesn't involve a drunken - and naked - game of ping-pong.

The amount of fucks I give about this film.

Whilst in contact with Washington DC - in the form of Grouch Marx ex-missis Eden Hartford in a way too tight air force uniform and the stoic Lt. Gen. Stone (slick-haired Langton from Peyton Place) - Penner deduces that the aliens are highly radioactive and can be tracked using a Geiger counter but still has no idea how to capture one before it can jump out of the dead body it possesses.

Jay suggests that he could lie in wait till the corpse trundles by and furiously masturbate over it, causing the alien to become trapped by the quick drying semen but Phyllis - wanting to keep all that joy juice for herself - has another idea so to this end the fantastic foursome fashion a fast-setting paint gun from a fire extinguisher an old bicycle pump.

But who will test this devastating piece of technology?

Not Lamont that's for sure as he's too busy hiding behind a cupboard whilst lustfully gazing at Phyllis and Penner is way too old to be of any use to anyone which leaves  Major Jay the unenviable task so, suited up in his best bee keepers outfit he heads outside in order to capture one of the invaders.

As in one of the invisible aliens, not an episode of the Quinn Martin/Larry Cohen TV show.**

Hiding behind a convenient rock Jay waits patiently till an alien possessed cadaver stumbles by before jumping out with a "Gotcha!" and firing the sticky liquid all over the startled spaceman.

Unfortunately he's not quick enough and the alien gives him a swift kick to the nads before wandering off leaving Jay battered but ready to fight on.

"Fiona! I'm from Dudley!"

 Back at the bunker and with an ice pack clutched to his privates, Jay soon realises that rather than chasing the aliens about in the hope of bagging one, the easiest and quickest way to capture one of the creatures is to dig a big hole, fill it with the acrylic liquid and hope it just falls in.

Genius.

With the film lurching quickly toward it's climax this plan goes off without a hitch and soon our merry band have the alien confined to a handy pressure chamber ready to break it free from the rock solid acrylic in the hope of finding a weakness.

Alas nothing seems to work which frustrates an already edgy Dr. Lamont to a point where he breaks down in tears and tries to convince everyone to surrender to the alien oppressors but Jay in a rage filled Korean flashback slaps the sniveling scientist causing him to fall clumsily onto the bases radio set,  inadvertently damaging it to a point where the alarms go off.

It's at this point that they notice that the alien is rolling around on the floor clutching its ears and screaming.

No really.

"You'll never get your hands on me lucky charms!"

And with this new - and frankly unbelievable - information the gang frantically start to build a deadly sound gun in order to stop the invaders.

But the underground bunker has been discovered and an army of the undead are determined to break in....

Will Penner, Lamont, Phyllis and Jay complete the weapon in time?

Will Lamont start crying again?

Will we be subjected to any more real-life crash footage that although exciting at the time makes you feel a wee bit guilty when thinking about it later?

And will Eden Hartford ever face the camera?

From the pipe smoking former editor at large cum b-movie maestro Edward L Cahn comes this lo-fi sci-fi shocker that mixes the directors love of pulp science fiction thrills and undead menace - scarily 'tween 1955 and 1959 Cahn made  nine of these scifi shlockers - with a smidgen of atomic age action in a sweaty cauldron of cliched dialogue and ham acting that is as brainless as it is (fairly) entertaining.

Plus at 67 minutes it definitely doesn't outstay its welcome.

Unlike your Auntie Jean over Christmas.

Just because - Eden Hartford.

With its tiny cast of ne'er where's and almost rans, special effects that you'd be hard pushed to call effects let alone special and stoic sub-Plan 9 voice-over - that explains in painful detail almost everything occurring onscreen even as we see it - Invisible Invaders is at once an oddly charming yet instantly forgettable mash-up of the aforementioned Ed Wood classic and Robert Wise's The Day the Earth Stood Still as performed by a Methylphenidate soaked junior school drama class for an audience of gin-soaked scarecrows during a particularly offbeat care in the community awareness session that slowly drips into your very being with all the calming effects of a Pentobarbital shot to the eyes.


Seriously by the end of it I not only felt strangely calm and at peace but couldn't stand up and ha shit myself.


Tho' that may just be my age.

God bless? - If there's any proof needed that he doesn't exist it's this movie.

Tho' as a plus point it's the only film I've ever seen where dialogue like this:

Phyllis: You killed a man in cold blood this morning, I keep seeing his face.

Jay: So do I, I fought all the way through Korea, probably killed a lot of men... but I never saw their faces. Dropping a bomb from a plane isn't quite so personal.

Penner: Can I make you some coffee?

is actually delivered convincingly.

Which probably says more about me than the movie.

And at the end of the day we can honestly say to all involved:***

Unlike Rian Johnson.

























*Or as the end credits actually list him "Carl Noymann" no idea if it's a continuity mistake or twins.

**Because it wasn't broadcast till 1967.

***Not really seeing as they're all dead but you know what I mean.

mental maggots.

Awoke this morning to the news that cult legend Sid Haig had died so in way of a tribute I thought I'd revisit this classic.

Because he's in it obviously not just for shits and giggles.

Galaxy of Terror (AKA Mindwarp: An Infinity of Terrors, Planet of Horrors. 1981)
Dir: Bruce D. Clark.
Cast: Edward Albert, Erin Moran, Taaffe O'Connell, Robert Englund, Ray Walston, Bernard Behrens, Zalman King, Grace Zabriskie and the late, great Sid Haig.

"I live and die by the crystals".

Across the vastness of deep space lies the desolate, storm-lashed (and somewhat soundstage like) planet Morganthus, where the sole survivor of an off screen (and therefore cheap) spaceship crash is fighting a losing battle against an unseen (and therefore very cheap) alien force.

As well as battling the worst home haircut this side of Dario Argento.

And I know which is scarier.

No surprises when I tell you that it's the haircut that wins.

Back at space headquarters (alright then, the portacabin round the back of the studios that Roger Corman uses to store his porn) the jolly crew of the good ship Quest are ordered to mount a rescue mission at the behest of the mysterious 'Planet Master', a strange old man in a second hand suit with a red lightbulb for a head who appears to spend his day playing a table-top version of Pong.

Welcome to the future, eighties style.

Leading the mission is the Planet Master's bezzie mate, the piss-stained and gin soaked soon to be retired Bobby Ilvar (Behrens, the voice of Obi Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars radio series) who, alongside his mismatched team that includes bewigged mentalist Captain Trantor (Twin Peaks hottie Zabriskie), the scarred lone survivor of a previous secret mission; the Tom Selleck alike Cabren (Albert from Power Rangers: Time Force) and the bottle rocket, wooden legged second-in-command Billy Baelon (soft core porn master and former Jesus, King), are charged with locating any survivors as well as looking for some vague and secret stuff whilst they're at it.

I tried not to think too much about the plot seeing as no-one involved seemed to be bothered.

"I can see your house from here Peter".

Also aboard is Cabren's ex squeeze, the harsh-faced psi-sensitive (whatever that means) Alluma (Happy Days' Joanie Cunningham, Moran, who's frankly seen better days - and much better gear before now), chief cook and bottle washer Melvin Kore (My Favourite Martian Walston), and the pube bearded, mightily manbreasted hardman Hilary Quuhod (genre stalwart Haig and the reason we are here), master of the deadly Perspex boomerangs.

There are a few other folk aboard too but frankly it'd be easier all round if you just imagine a couple of pieces of hardboard decked out in sub standard bri-nylon (and nipple revealing) Battlestar Galactica uniforms.

Oh, and Freddy Krueger in a ginger Abraham Lincoln beard.

Engaging warp drive (which is just off Stella Street) The Quest soon arrives at it's destination and the crew begin their search for any survivors.

And the ships supply of chocolate biscuits.

And quite possibly any evidence of an original idea.

Unfortunately they find nothing but a load of leftover sets from Battle Beyond The Stars strewn with litter and a few shop window dummies smeared with jam and hanging from the roof.

Baelon, angered by such a waste of yummy toast topping goodness decides to set fire to everything around him whilst the rest of the crew (including the jittery Johnny Deadsoon) split up and have a wee scout around.

But obviously not in a John Wayne Gacy way.

Tho' that would probably make the whole thing that wee bit more entertaining.

Bored with burning stuff and annoyed by Alluma's constant whining about 'dark energies' Baelon orders everyone back to The Quest for tea and toast, a decision that cheers everyone up except poor Deadsoon, who has to stay behind to find his hat that he's dropped.

Suffice to say that within seconds of the others leaving he's killed by what looks like a big rubber testicle that jumps on his back and squeezes his head till it pops.

"And when I'm anally violated I pull THIS face!"

Realizing one of their number is missing the crew head back across the studio rubbish tip (sorry, alien landscape) to look for him, giving the frighteningly pneumatic Dameia (O'Connell from Caged Fury) an excuse to tell everyone how much she hates maggots and how she'd be loathed to have one swim up her (ample) arse.

Reader take note, this may be important later.

Back on board The Quest everyone sits down for a quick Pot Noodle whilst Dameia and general dogsbody Powell Ranger (Englund with shit facial hair and some ginger pubes glued to his head) perform a fairly shoddy autopsy on their fallen comrade and the body of some bloke they found in a cupboard.

Their findings?

Both men were killed by terror.

A probable galaxy full of it.

A Galaxy (minus the terror) yesterday.

After pudding and a glass of milk our motley band decide to have a better look around the planet, starting with a huge pyramid-like structure they singularly failed to notice earlier (well it was a wee bit foggy) and Ilvar feeling a bit left out splits everyone (with the exception of Trantor who's frankly barking and chef who's busy cooking brine for supper) into two teams.

Their mission: discover stuff.

To make it more exciting Ilvar offers first group to reach the summit the chance of winning a teddy bear.

Buffeted by the harsh winds and spooked by the scary synth sounds Ilvar, Dameia and Cabren are first to clamber up the structure (the others have stopped for a picnic at the bottom), discovering a series of slightly sexual looking holes jutting from the pyramids sides, poor Ilvar, stuck between a moustachioed stud and a strip queen, decides to exert his manliness by abseiling down one of these mysterious openings for a quick poke around.

Unfortunately it's him that gets a poking from a gaggle of rubbery (why thank you!) blood sucking tentacles.

"Laugh now!"

Shrugging their shoulders in a fairly apathetic manner before moving on, Dameia and Cabren have soon met up with a still angry Baelon, a still whiny Alluma and always manboobed Quuhod at the pyramids summit where they find a set of giant plasticine doors that lead deep into the structures bowels.

Leaving Quuhod on guard at the entrance (frankly the stench of all that testosterone and sour man milk must be getting to them by now) the rest of the gang head down toward their destiny.

Which in Erin Moran's case is a lifetime of appearances at a number of supermarket openings, conventions and rehab centres.

Your mums cum face. Trust me, I know.

Back aboard the Quest, Ranger is having a severe case of the sweats and Kore skulks around the kitchen in a mysterious manner whilst Captain Trantor sits in the ships gun turret, dribbling down her jumper and playing space invaders whilst swearing like a pikey on heat.

No change there then.

Bored shitless to a point where he's cleaning his nails with the sacred boomerangs, Quuhod is surprised by a scary "BOO!" noise behind him, causing the poor sod to accidentally chop off his arm.

If that wasn't enough the severed arm takes on a life of its own and proceeds to stab it's previous owner to death with his own weapon.

Which is nice.

Hearing the commotion and upset that her breasts are too large to enable her to squeeze any further into the pyramid, Dameia rushes to Quuhod's aid only to stumble over his by now maggot riddle corpse lying in a pool of blood and piss.

Hang on, did someone say maggots?

"Put it in me!"

As Dameia tiptoes around her dead comrades corpse she (remarkably) fails to notice that one of the maggots has started growing to giant size behind her, only realizing that something's wrong when the beast flops down on top of her like a big inflatable penis and begins to tear her clothes off whilst thrusting and grunting the way that normal maggots don't.

What your girlfriend was up to on
that girls night out last week.

Vainly trying to escape by wriggling her slimy arse and rubbing her gloop covered breasts, Dameia is soon overpowered by the horny horror, breathing her last as the beast pumps her full of it's manky maggot muck.

At this point I have to say that as a twelve year old I was under the impression that this was quite possibly the greatest scene ever committed to celluloid but as I got older and more aware of political correctness and the evils of sexism I began to realize that this wasn't the case.

It's far too short for one thing.

And it's way too dark.

(stringy) shite in mah mooth!

This sex based slaying is only the beginning of the horror tho', as within minutes Trantor has accidentally set fire to her face, the cook has gone AWOL, bow-legged Baelon has been bummed by the bin men and poor old Alluma has been squeezed to death by some rampant, slime covered Hoover attachments leaving a by now shot to fuck Ranger and a fairly concerned Cabren the only survivors.

As the perky pair approach the pyramids inner sanctum, they begin to realize that their might be more to the mysterious planet Morganthus than meets the eye and leaves them wondering....

Where the fuck is the chef?

From the minds of writer/director Bruce Clark, little known designer James Cameron and the genius that is Lord Roger of Corman, Galaxy Of Terror maybe a cheap and nasty knock off with more aliases than a serial adulterer and be more likely to give you crabs than a sleepless night but it's still capable of entertaining you along the way.

Just like your mum in fact.

You can imagine the whole thing being greenlit on the strength of the poster alone and when Clark turned round to Corman and said "Then this huge maggot shags a naked bird to death" you just know it was a done deal.

But then any movie that features aliens, sex, gore and a former member of the Happy Days cast being squeezed to death by household appliances painted green should automatically be pushed thru' for immediate production, imagine how much better the world would be if this were the case.

As an added bonus it's great to sit back and enjoy self proclaimed "King of The World" James Cameron doing what he does best, that is operating a giant rape maggot as opposed to forcing badly plotted overlong remakes of Ferngully on us.

The scenes final moments when the huge quivering beast grunts and thrust one final time over O'Connell's prone form is at once incredibly arousing and mildly disturbing, you can imagine Cameron, teeth gritted and with a semi in his shorts sweating and cursing as he becomes one with the monster costume, imagining himself fucking every last dollar out of the worldwide cinema audience.

Or is that just me?

O'Connell: you would.

As you can probably tell, I secretly love Galaxy Of Terror in the same way as you always have a soft spot for that plump, middle aged housewife you got in touch with via those sleazy 'contact' magazines you purchased as a bet when you were fourteen.

You remember, the one from Edgebaston that made you a man then gave you tea,d biscuits and a cuddle whilst telling you about her disabled husband?

Galaxy Of Terror, scarier than your dad, sleazier than your little sister and a damn sight more fun drunk than both of them.

You need this.

And the cult movie genre needs more guys like Sid.

GODDAMMIT!!! MOTHERFUCKER GOT BLOOD ALL OVER MY BEST SET OF ANGEL WINGS!!!!!! 

 SID HAIG
1939 - 2019

mandate.

Still feeling a wee bit under the weather so have confined myself to the sofa with the TV remote channel surfing in the hope that some quality movies will help cure my malaise.

The Super Inframan (中國超人. 1975).
Dir: Hua Shan.
Cast: Danny Lee, Wang Hsieh, Terry Lau, Yuan Man-tzu, Bruce Le, Kong Yeung,
Dana Shum, Lin Wen-wei, Lu Sheng and Fanny Leung.

Rayma, now you are filled with power and energy! For you, nothing will be an impossibility! Your senses are intensified, so you can even see and hear through walls!

It's the futuristic - for 1975 - year 2015 (which is now the past, spooky) and the  primary 2 class from the Mary Bell junior school are heading home after a hard days clipping 'up west' but as the excitedly look forward to snacks and pop their joyful bus-based songs are rudely interrupted when what looks like a huge, green plucked turkey drops from the sky onto the road in front of them shattering the concrete and causing the bus to screech to a halt and wee Jimmy to spill his Ribena.

As the fairly sexy supply teacher herds the kids to safety the crack-creating chicken attacks the bus sending it and its unfortunate driver off the edge of a cliff.

But that's not the only thing causing havoc on this wet Wednesday afternoon as all across Hong Kong - and maybe even the world - natural disasters are occurring: everything from earthquakes to previously dormant volcano exploding via your mum burning her souffle, the whole planet is in chaos.

Lucky for us, the bewigged and (pube) bearded boffin and part-time Dave Lee Travis alike Professor Brian Liu Ying De (A Better Tomorrow's Wang) and his world renowned - and silver jumpsuit clad - Super Science Headquarters team is on the case.
 

"Are you looking at my bra?"

 Scanning the local area for any clues as to what's happening the team are surprised when the nearby Devil's Mountain explodes revealing a huge carved dragon skull cum secret base entrance from which steps the sinisterly sexy sorceress resplendent in a huge silver dragon hat and matching bikini top, thigh boots and carrying a whip in her dragon headed right hand.

I don't know why but I think she may like dragons.

Demon Princess Elizebub (or Princess Dragon Mom as the dubbed version amusingly calls her and played to thigh slapping perfection by Terry Liu, best known for her performance as the tight uniformed and knee-high booted lesbian warden Mako in Bamboo House of Dolls) for this is she, shoutily informs the team that from this day forth she is the Earth’s new master and we must either surrender and live as her playthings or be destroyed.

Well I know which I'd choose.

Even thinking about it would probably kill you.

Anyway to prove her point she unleashes her leather-clad skeleton army and assorted mutant types including a huge Plasticine monstrosity with drills for hands,, a big red pompom with horns that can fire laser beams from its arse, a tentacled plant monster, the crab suit left over from Space Amoeba and a pair of metal men with spring loaded limbs to wreak havoc and cause general mayhem around the local area, pissing in phone boxes, tying the swings around the crossbar so no-one can use them and knocking on doors before running off - you get the idea.

Helping her to organise the attack - as well as keeping everyone fed and watered -  is her second-in-command, the sultry Ms Witch-Eye (Shum from Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon), a kinda sexy space secretary cum junior despot in a cycling helmet and eyeballs in the palm of her hands that fire hypnotizing laser bolts when needed.

Which is nice.

"Eye hen!"

Is there anyone who can defeat these monsters?

Luckily in his spare time the Professor has been beavering away on a top secret project - code-named: BDX it has the ability to transform a normal human into a bionic, red latexed super-hero.

This can be achieved, he explains, by wiring the subjects arms and legs with powerful transistors and computerized parts, injecting them with a super serum and to top it off inserting a tiny nuclear reactor in their heads.

Unfortunately tho' the procedure is very painful.

Oh and may result in death.

Enter - roughly and from behind after jumping them in a dark alley - Jeff Rayma (Lee from the classic City On Fire) who eagerly volunteers to strip down to his pants and get tied to a table by a much older man in order to become the much more than human, if slightly less manly looking Infra-Man, defender of the Earth and scourge of all girl private schools everywhere.

"Put it in me!"

Cue 90 odd minutes of enough kicks and punches to make you want to sell your soul for a PaRappa the Rapper live action movie as Infra-Man and his pals battle everything from giant plant monsters whose massive foam vines attempt to smash the science base to brainwashed traitors in their midst via a bizarre subplot involving the Professor youngest daughters wish to become Infra-Woman when she's older.

And all performed by a cast of which the majority are wearing way too tight Bacofoil jumpsuits.

Here come the Belgians!

But it's not all fist fights tho' as after a couple of defeats at Infra-Man's hands, a fairly angry Elizebub sends the aforementioned brainwashed minion to steal the secrets of Infra-Man's power so that she too can build an invincible warrior prompting the Professor to upgrade our hero (nothing too fancy mind, just adding Thunderball Fists that can be launched from his wrists, alongside a deadly solar attack device that kills instantly, a 'lethal flame kick' embedded in his Cuban heels and lastly a set of mini-rockets place just above his tummy in the off-chance that anyone uses a freeze ray on him at any point - like that'll happen) in preparation for the final battle.

But whilst all this science shit is going down Elizebub has kidnapped the Professor's beautiful daughter Liu Mei-mei (the button-nosed Yuan Man-tzu from The Clones of Bruce Lee) and is threatening to kill her (to death) is the Professor doesn't surrender himself and his secrets.

Laugh now.

 As so begins a race against time (and good taste) to save not only the Professor and his daughter but humanity itself from the slender clutches of the Demon Princess Elizebub.

Will the traitor be uncovered?

Will Infra-Man lose his power when the sun is blocked out even tho' he's allegedly got a nuclear reactor embedded in his skull?

Will Demon Princess Elizebub turn back into a chicken for the stunning final battle?

Will there be a sequel? *

There's only one way to find out cos I'm not telling.

Obviously 'inspired' (you think?) by Tsuburaya Productions utterly fantastic Ultra series - even going so far as re-using Toru Fuyuki's score from Ultra Seven - as well as the daikaiju and kyodai hīro genres - still - so popular in Japan, this Shaw Brothers epic has the distinction of being not only the very first Superhero movie made in Hong Kong but the first film promoted there using a hot air balloon.

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a useful fact to know.

Brexit in a nutshell.

Confidently directed by HK cinema stalwart Hua Shan (who would later go on to give us such classic Fayre as Kung Fu Zombie, Jade Claw, Ghost Killer and Dreams of Eroticism) from a script by the prolific science fiction author and script writer Ni Kuang (responsible for, among other things, writing One-Armed Swordsman, The Assassin and Crippled Avengers as well as the Bruce Lee starrer Fist of Fury) and produced by the legendary Runme Shaw, Infra-Man works best because it unashamedly embraces it's Japanese inspirations rather than just blatantly ripping them off, even going as far as hiring Ekisu Productions - famed for their work on many a Toei superhero series - to supply the sets and monster costumes as well as designing and building Infra-Man himself which all adds a certain legitimacy to the proceedings that something like Juan Piquer Simón's 1980 superhero misfire Supersonic Man lacks plus the acting is top notch and played with eye-rolling conviction by everybody onscreen.

As a bizarre side-note, Bruce Le - who plays the brainwashed Lu Hsiao-Lung - has a cameo in Juan Piquer Simón's classic Pieces as a Kung Fu teacher with a dodgy tummy.

Tho' this coincidence may not be related to his later arrest for tax evasion.

"Put it in me!"

Talking of actors, kudos to not only the frankly fantastic Terry Liu but also to Wang Hsieh who manages to give his portrayal of Professor Liu Ying De a quiet dignity and earnest believability whilst all the time clad in a silver labcoat two sizes too small and wearing a pound shop Elvis wig and comedy beard. 

And as the eponymous hero himself Danny Lee is all bowl-haired, boys own bravado, holding his own against an evermore outlandish array of monsters or when being forced to lie naked - save for a big nappy - on a pool table whilst being injected with food colouring.

It's a job I suppose.

The Howard's Way remake looks a bit shit.

Top quality super-heroics lovingly wrapped in a big bow of brightly coloured goodness, I mean what's not to love?

Recommended.

Twice.






































*Unfortunately not.

pish dish.

Watched this last night to take my mind off the shitstorm that is Project: Yellowhammer and Brexit.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Empire of The Sharks (2017).
Dir: Mark Atkins.
Cast: John Savage,, Jack Amstrong, Ashley de Lange, Jonathan Pienaar, Thandi Sebe, Camilla Waldman, Leandie du Randt, Tapiwa Musvosvi, Tauriq Jenkins, Joe Vaz, Tshamano Sebe, Sandi Schultz, Royston Stoffels, Mélodie Abad and Philip Tan.

The power resides within you, the amulet resonated with your power, it was never the source! You are the shark caller!

The time - the near future, the place - a world where PS 2 era cut scenes have become a reality and where 98% of the planet is underwater leaving the remains of society to fight for survival on a collection of shopping trolleys and discarded garden decking shoddily tied together and set adrift in the disused reservoir behind the directors South African holiday home.

Ruling over this sea-based band of unwashed pikeys is the evil warlord Ian Fien (Savage, the ex-man of bronze best known The Deer Hunter, The Onion Field and Salvador as well as Lucio Fulci's final film Door to Silence before bad investments and an expensive divorce caused him to be a wee bit less choosy in his roles - probably) who with the help of the greasy barnetted and stringy lipped Mason Scrim (actor and part-time artists model Pienaar coming across as the unholy lovechild of Iggy Pop and Albert Steptoe) and an army of mind-controlled sharks (no, really) spends his days collecting various 'tributes' from the populace in exchange for clean water.

Sounds legit.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

As we join the story one such group of pikeys are even now being hassled by Scrimm who grumpily informs their leader Tustin Gee (Sebe) that they must double their tributes in future if they wish to get clean water, much to the chagrin of the boyish faced and big-eared Timor (council eastate Orlando Bloom Armstrong) who will be our hero for the next 90 odd minutes.

Which seeing as he has all the talent and charisma of a baby changing table is gonna make for interesting viewing.

Tired of Tustin's excuses - and no doubt his fishy breath -  Scrim orders his men to select 6 women to take in lieu of payment, one of which happens to be Timor's wannabe love interest Willow (de Lange from Blood Drive), a button-nosed blonde with a mysterious secret and a huge poundshop medallion that she keeps furtively glancing at every few minutes.

Maybe she has her lines written on it?

Anyway with Timor standing around looking lost it's up to Tustin to step in and attempt to save the ladies - and by the look of his ample girth attempt to save even more of the tribute for himself.

Unfortunately Scrim is in no mood for chat and punches him in the head before dangling him off the side of his boat then tossing a child's flask filled with electronics into the ocean.

Bizarrely enough these two things are actually related.

You see, the elctro-flask enables Scrim to control - via what looks like a pair of Nintendo power gloves with Christmas tree lights sellotaped to them - all the nearby sharks (who’ve been fitted , you'll be pleased to know, with disco lights on the sides of their heads) and order them to bite folk.

Because as you know, a shark wouldn't bite folk normally.

And with that poor Tustin is devoured in a shower of CG blood fakery as the hostages are loaded onboard and shipped off to Fien's floating fortress leaving Tustin to sob into the ample bosom of his big haired bestie Sion (Sebe, who's probably been in other stuff but I really can't be arsed checking).

Some old rope yesterday.

Being the only member of the cast with any discernible talent Sion is given a fair bit of exposition at this point - not only to fill us in on the background of the characters (Tustin hasn't got any parents, Willow is an orphan, hair straighteners are hard to come by, you know the kinda thing) but to move the plot forward and so to this end she reminds Tustin that he has a submarine stashed behind the bins so he could if he wanted head out to save Willow.

Or even better they could head to the local pub and hire a ragtag team to rescue Willow for them.

And with that they head off.

Destination: adventure - via some FX that would make the cast of Stingray balk at their shoddiness obviously.

Especially the bit where a poorly rendered CG shark gently rubs against the eggbox submarine causing it to leak, an effect that appears to have been achieved by getting a stagehand to piss in Amstrong's mouth whilst he frowns.

Tho' if I'm honest this is probably the most exciting bit of the film, well it's certainly the most erotic.

Taxi for Schubert!

Meanwhile Fien has tied the hostages to a makeshift maypole and is forcing them to walk around in circles whilst a lady explains the importance of Willow's necklace to us - and her.

Yup it seems that Willow's dad was a fabled 'shark caller' who - after the floods had the power to control the creatures thru' the medium of the hand jive.

Unfortunately Fien killed him and now uses the power - alongside Scrim - for evil.

Bastards.

Anyway, Timor and Sion soon arrive at the local pub where they come across (not in that way obviously but you can tell he was tempted) a Lego-haired woman called Nimue (du Randt) who is currently spending her time fleecing the locals of all their cash by challenging them to see who can sit with their head in bucket of water the longest.

No really.

Obviously this is a skill that's needed for a rescue mission so Timor eagerly asks her to help whilst Sion saunters over to speak to the enigmatic Toby (high Scrabble scoring Musvosvi), an explosives expert who also happens to own a scuba diving suit.

Tho' you think under the circumstances there'd be quite a few of those about wouldn't you?

Well fuck you film logic.

Not being one to turn down the chance to blow some shit up he excitedly agrees to join the team.

As everyone stands around uncomfortably trying to look natural Timor notices an Asian guy at the bar fleecing folk in a game of 'find the pea under the cup' and deduces that he must be using a miniature sonar device to rig the game.

Because, um, obviously that would be it.

Anyway he approaches the guy - whose name is Edgar and is played by the pube 'tached Jenkins - and introduces himself before offering him a place on the team.

And guess what? he says yes.

With this cut-price Avengers assemble all they need now is a boat.

And maybe better agents.

Enter (roughly and from behind by the cut of her jib) the dread pirate queen and pleasure cruise captain Ann Aldrin (dead eyed South African soap star and sexy grannie Waldman) who, having a window in her schedule offers to take them to Fien's fortress.

With everything in place Timor outlines his cunning plan.

And by cunning I mean utter shit.

"Oh no....I have my women's period!"

Here goes - Edgar will use his sexy sonar set to scan the fortress and find the hostages and Toby will use his scuba suit and plant explosives to blow open a way in whilst Nimue will hold her breath and swim very fast to lure the sharks away.

Meanwhile Timor will sneak aboard and rescue everyone.

Sion is there no doubt to hold the coats.

Everyone nods in agreement before retiring to bed to get some rest ready for the next days adventure.

Well I say everyone but Toby and Nimue have other ideas and decide to steal the Pot Noodle cargo stored in one of Lord Fien's boats causing all manner of upset and confusion that culminates in Timor radioing Scrim to apologize (whilst using the phrase 'fubar snafu' I kid you not - and Scrim retaliating by threatening to feed an extra to a shark if they don't put everything back exactly as it was.

High stakes indeed.

Obviously being a total walkover Timor does exactly that but as Fien's men are boiling the kettle Toby thinks fuck it and blows the boat up leaving everyone no option but to move ahead with their plan.

A plan that Fien now knows about.

I mean why they just didn't steal the Pot Noodle cargo boat and sneak aboard the fortress I'll never know.

Actually I do know why, that would involve an adult having to write the script.

"Can you smell petrol?"

The thought of a month without any tearful wank-based noodle snacks is the least of Fien's worries tho' as it appears that the sharks will no longer do his bidding, at least when Willow is around that is.

Could this be related?

Well Fien thinks so and chucks Willow into the water to see if the sharks will eat her, which they don't - obviously and with that he helps her back onboard, hands her a towel and orders his men to scan her brain activity so they can copy her powers or something.

Tho' why they need to seeing as they have an electronic device that does the job as well as she can is never explained.

I mean if they just killed her then they wouldn't have to worry about her powers being stronger at all.

And we wouldn't be subjected to her harsh-faced 'acting' every few minutes.

You see?

Everyone would be a winner.

And with that plot point totally ignored we head back over to our merry band who are all ready to set sail for Castle Fien.

But the bad men are prepared and attempt to sink the boat with a shite-firing catapult as Edgar attempts to map the layout on his laptop.

Well it's either that or he's online trying to convince folk he's from the Apple IT department so he can access their bank details.

As Captain Aldrin dodges more and more missiles it's time to put part 2 of the plan into operation, so Nimue greases herself up and jumps into the water to lure the sharks away whilst Timor sneaks up to the underwater door in the hope that Fien has left a spare key under the mat.

Unfortunately in the confusion Toby mistakes a shark for a sausage roll and is inadvertently pulled under the water to his doom.

As the sharks give chase Timor quickly makes it to the fortress and makes his way inside/aboard whilst Nimue - knowing her job is done and she's now surplus to requirements - wiggles about a bit safe in the knowledge that the FX team will do their best to make her death scene look epic and not, I repeat, not like she's getting molested by a pack of poorly rendered Minecraft-esque goldfish.

Laugh and indeed now.

As Timor sneaks about the potting sheds looking for Willow it's revealed that Fein has a secret weapon to thwart our heroes - a kamikaze shark capable of taking out a boat.

As in blow it up, not wine and dine it before making smooth and beautiful love to it in an upmarket hotel.

But you probably guessed that.

And with a girly giggle he orders the shark to attack our brave band in all it's shoddily CG-ed goblin glory.

Seriously it's worth the rental fee just for this sequence.

Tho' not the shame of admitting to watching it obviously.

But Aldrin isn't going down without a fight (unlike your mum) and starts firing a harpoon gun randomly into the waves before thinking "fuck it" and abandoning ship closely followed by Edgar and Sion.

As they swim for the -relative - safety of the fortress Scrim orders the sharks to attack Edgar who is unconvincingly dragged under the waves by a huge bit of curved cardboard whilst Aldrin and Sion are taken to Fien and used as shark bait to lure Willow and Timor out of hiding.

It never rains.

Richard Ayoade, up the casino, Bradford, 2016.....YESCH.

Will Timor and his rapidly diminishing team defeat Fien and restore order this post apocalyptic world?

Will Willow ever master not only her shark powers but the ability to walk and talk at the same time?

Will anyone actually care enough to find out?

'Director' Mark Atkins sequel to his 2016 'classic' Planet of The Sharks features more of what you'd expect from an Asylum/SyFy channel co-production - threadbare plotting, sub-community centre panto performances, sets hastily constructed from whatever was lying around and a load of CG shark stuff that cost a few quid when the original Sharknado came out so the company feel they have to get their monies worth from, hence the never ending cycle of Shark-this and Shark-that titles they seem to release with truly terrifying frequency.

"Shark power activated!" (But it's opposite day!)

That's not to say that the film is without its merits tho' - yes the writing veers wildly between awful and just plain appalling with no rhyme  or reason for anything to happen other that 'just because' and the acting - what there is of it - is either non-existent or trying too hard depending on who's onscreen at any given moment but what they hell most of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves and it'd be churlish not to join in.

Saying that tho' Thandi Sebe is genuinely great, it's almost as if she's stumbled off the set of a better movie and knows it, pissed off and prissy in equal measures she dominates every scene and even manages to convince you at one point that the upturned bath she's sitting in is really a hi-tech minisub being attacked by sharks and not being gently rocked by a stagehand as he spurts water into her face.

Plus she must really like sharks - or director Atkins has some dead dodgy pics of her - seeing as she went straight from this to his magnum opus 6 Headed Shark Attack.

Nuff said.

Para Thandi.

Let's be honest tho', you don't fire up an Asylum shark movie expecting Jaws (or even Shark Attack III), no you pop it on your player, pop out your brain and let the sheer shadiness of it spurt over you like the cheap and cheerful sinematic slut that it is.

Just don't tell your friends about it later.

Or blog about it obviously.* 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'm OK seeing as no fucker ever reads this.

amoeba joe.

Been absolutely knackered of late so managed to get sod all work done.

I did however manage to pick up the remote control, fumbling around till I found this beauty on Amazon Prime.



Space Amoeba (AKA ゲゾラ・ガニメ・カメーバ 決戦！南海の大怪獣, Gezora Ganime Kamēba Kessen!, Giant Monsters of the South Seas - 1970).
Dir: Ishiro Honda.
Cast: Akira Kubo, Atsuko Takahashi, Yukiko Kobayashi, Kenji Sahara, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Tetsu Nakamura, Yu Fujiki, Noritake Saito, Yuko Sugihara, Sachio Sakai Chotaro Togin, Wataru Omae, Ichiro Murakoshi, Haruo Nakajima and
Haruyoshi Nakamura.

Twice the monsters! Twice the terror!!!!

In a futuristic utopia where Lego has replaced concrete when it comes to construction work and a surplus of giant washing-up liquid bottles have been bought by NASA the unmanned space-probe Helios 7 has been dispatched to Jupiter for reasons best known to the scriptwriter and no-one else.

But let's be honest who needs a half decent plot when you can spend time wondering why an unmanned probe has windows and a cockpit?

Oh yes and a really large silver bell-end attached to the front.

Anyway a few months into the mission (which takes up literally ooh minutes of screen time, I mean come on there are monsters to meet) a glitter-based alien entity possesses the spacecraft and turns it back toward the earth.

A short while later we're introduced to our hero for the next 90 minutes, the exotically behatted and frightfully drunk photojournalist for hire Taro Kudo (Kubo from Destroy All Monsters, Godzilla vs. Monster Zero and Urutora Q amongst others) who, drowning his sorrows after an unsuccessful fashion shoot in Brighton, spots the returning spacecraft crash-landing into the ocean from the window of the plane he's traveling on.

Apologies  for the clunkiness of that last sentence but it doesn't matter how hard I try it still comes across really weirdly stilted.

A wee bit like the movie.

It's like 2001 never happened.

Desperate for a story, Kudo excitedly tells his editor what he saw only to be told he's talking utter bollocks before being sent off to cover the local dog show but luckily on the way he's accosted by the button-nosed , big bonnet-ed beauty Ayako Hoshino (Takahashi - Destroy All Monsters), tourism troubleshooter for the real sounding yet entirely fictional Asia Development Company.

It appears that the company are planning to build a luxury hotel complex on the idyllic Sergio Island and want to hire Kudo to take some photos of the local fauna and flora for the brochure.

Obviously being a man of action the thought of photographing trees doesn't really excite him until that he realises that the island in question is not only rumoured to be the home of a giant monster but also exactly where he saw the Helios 7 crashland.

So, along with Ayako and the equally behatted biologistic Dr. Kyoichi Miya (Tsuchiya best known for Bara No Soretsu, Kurosawa's Seven Samurai and yes, Destroy All Monsters as well as for his research into UFOs), Kudo packs his bags and gets set to travel to Sergio Island safe in the knowledge that being the most attractive guy in the movie he'll have no trouble charming his way into Ayako's kick-flared jumpsuit.

Hat.

Unfortunately his flirty deck-based chat is interrupted by the arrival of the mysterious - and mysteriously bearded - 'social anthropologist Makoto Obata (cult Kaiju star and part-time desert Sahara, who not only appeared in more Gojira movies than anyone else but was also a regular in Ultraman, which makes him a god in this house), who for all the world comes across as a slightly more sinister Japanese Rolf Harris which adds a totally new layer to the film and one I doubt the makers intended.

And so the trio sit and chat uncomfortably waiting for Dr. Miya to turn up, partly to order dinner but mainly to move the plot on a wee bit.

Meanwhile on Sergio island, Gavin the project manager (Fujiki from The Hidden Fortress and King Kong vs. Godzilla) and his portly pal Yokoyama (Togin from you guessed it Destroy All Monsters) have decided to sneak off to a hidden cove to go fishing and maybe, just maybe have a wee kiss and cuddle but unfortunately before any of this can happen a huge octopus named Gezora and with a head shaped like a freshly circumcised penis with two googly eyes attached - appears from the sea and eats Gavin whilst Yokoyama looks on in terror.

Well I say terror but it's more  akin to mild apathy.

Luckily before he can get scoffed too he's saved by an appearance by the local tribal elder - and council estate Brian Blessed - Onbo (Nakamura from The Manster) and his trusty sidekick Rico (Godzilla vs. Gigan's boss-eyed beefcake Saito) who after giving him a stern telling off head back to the village for tea and crumpets.

"Eye son!"

As a new day dawns our fantastic foursome arrive on the island to be greeted by a very grumpy - or is that stilted? - Rico and a jumpy and jittery Yokoyama who, after begrudgingly popping their luggage in a jeep take the group to a nearby cave to begin surveying stuff.

Or something.

But there's no time to worry about that tho' because as soon as Ayako gets out of the jeep she's fainting at the sight of a turtle, sprayed grey and with bits of eggbox shoddily stuck to him, crawling thru' the grass.

This creature may become important later.

Luckily these fairly tedious cave-based musings are cut short when a bright blue light in a rockpool freaks the shit out of Yokoyama who runs away before driving into the jungle with Rico in tow and hiding out in a nearby potting shed.

But his post traumatic tearful wank is disturbed by good old Gezora appearing from behind an albeit rather large tree and smashing everything, leaving poor Yokoyama crushed under a pile of old Razzle mags and Rico spread-eagled behind a bush.

"Is it in yet?"

Being a fairly short film it's not long before the rest of the group discover not only the devastation but also a by now conscious Rico, soaked in his own piss, shivering in a state of shock and suffering from bizarre patches of frostbite caused by Gezora's nippy tentacles.

This is because Gezora is a cold water creature and because he's so big he's colder than normal or something.

Being a girl Ayako starts to cry, worried that the beast will return and eat her whole - tho' as regular readers know it will most likely spit that bit out.

Dr. Miya on the other - less withered - hand, has no time for such girlie reactions and sternly accuses Ayako of being horribly monsterphobic.

Because being terrified that a fucking huge octopus is going to tear you limb from limb is in no way a normal reaction obviously.

Anyway this conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Rico's dusky lover (their description) Saki (Kobayashi - who once had her photo taken with Gojira and, would it surprise you to know, was also in Destroy All Monsters?) who kindly offers to let everyone stay in the village rather than sleep in the wreckage of the shed.

Which is nice.

But whilst all this native-based niceness is going on, Obata sneakily steals the company's hotel development plans from the wrecked shed.

Yup, he's an evil spy working for a rival holiday firm.

No, really.

Luckily for the team he's actually a really shit spy and Kudo spots his attempts to hide the documents up his arse and challenges him to a naked bunfight, Obata knowing that he'd be beaten proposes instead that they work together to find a way to beat the beast and get off the island so with a handshake the pair settle their differences and everyone heads off to bed.

Except Rico that is, he's in the corner dribbling and playing with his own shit, poor guy.

"Oh no....it's the Ninky Nonk!"

The next morning, Kudo and Miya decide to go scuba-diving in order to find the Helios 7 capsule but are almost immediately (again) attacked by Gezora but are able to escape when a school of porpoises come to their rescue.

But as they reach the shore they realise that Gezora is in hot pursuit.

Luckily the villagers are on the beach having a barbecue and Kudo notices that The angry beast recoils from the flames due to its aforementioned low body temperature so to this end our heroes decide to torch the fucker using some handy petrol canisters that Onbo keeps under his bed for emergencies.

Stomping the village and tossing its inhabitants around like the rag dolls they obviously are all seems lost until a well place torch singes Gezora's arse and the creature retreats to the ocean to die.

As everyone celebrates the creatures demise they are unaware that below the surface the glittery space amoeba that had possessed Gezora is already on the hunt for a new body.

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas....Monsta!"

As the partying continues Kudo goes on the hunt for extra boozer and soon stumbles across a WWII Japanese army weapons cache in an old shed.

Which is kinda lucky seeing as the space amoeba has possessed a crab - named Ganimes - which, unusually for crustaceans, is the size of a house.

And is also currently heading their way.

Kudo, being used to fighting giant monsters by this point leads Ganimes into a nearby pit before shooting it in the eyes and blowing it up with a pile of dynamite that just happened to be lying about in an old bin bag.

Result.

As everyone starts to celebrate again poor Obata, realising that he has no chance of pulling Ayako - especially after Koda has killed to big beasts decides to leave everyone to it, stealing a boat and attempting to row back to Japan.

Unfortunately as he's busy blowing up the rubber dingy the amoeba crawls up his leg and possesses him before informing him - and us -  that it plans to conquer the Earth and that his body will make it easier to infiltrate human society.

Albeit only the parts that involve looking like a pedo painter obviously.

"Can you tell me what it is yet?"

Back at what's left of the village Dr Miya is busying himself examing Ganimes' remains and determines that the creature grew to its monstrous size due to the aliens influence, tho' this doesn't explain how Gezora came to be so huge to begin with seeing as the islanders have worship him for years and that the alien has just turned up but let's not worry about such trivial plot points as Rico has just regained his senses and is eager to inform everyone that the amoebas control of the creatures can be thwarted by the ultrasonic sounds made by the islands bat population.

Oh and by the porpoises too.

And with that he gets down on one knee and proposes to Saki.

Which is kinda sweet but fairly unexpected if I'm honest.

But what the hell let's go with it.

"Wrong hole!"

Now having an excuse to spend quality time alone, Kudo and Ayako head off to search for the bats lair unaware that yet another monster - this time a giant turtle (told you it'd be important) called Kamoebas - is sneakily stalking them.

As the creature draws ever nearer the pair finally come across the bats cave only to discover that Obata has beaten them to it and stands ready to burn the bats (to death) with a handy box of matches he found in Yokoyama's pocket earlier.....

Will our heroes defeat the space amoeba or be torn limb from limb by the giant turtle?

Will that crab re-animate for no reason other than to allow it and the turtle to start kicking the shit out of each other?

Will the crab at one point drop kick the turtle and start pretending to play the drums on his tummy?

Will the until now not mentioned island volcano erupt?

Will any of this actually make sense?

With an opening stolen from - sorry 'inspired' by -  Nigel Kneale's The Quatermass Experiment you might be confused into thinking that you're about to view a high-brow sci-fi epic but the cinematic genius that was Ishiro Honda, (director of the original Gojira and father - alongside SFX wizard Eiji Tsuburaya - of the Kaiju genre) has other ideas - albeit ones that are solely based on toy sales - so instead creates this whack 'em bash 'em bit of brilliantly bonkers bollocks that encapsulates everything we hold dear regarding the Japanese giant monster genre.

And whilst it'll probably never make anyone's Kaiju top ten it's mad enough - and short enough - to be a pain-free way to waste 90 odd minutes.

Plus it finally answers the age old question, what would an octopus looked like if it walked on two of its legs.

And if that isn't enough, name another monster movie that has the balls to stop halfway thru' for a wedding scene just so one of the characters can be happy enough to explain the plot.

Exactly.

TOY!

Everything you'd expect from a Kaiju caper - the ubiquitous tropical island setting, the mixed bag of bizarrely jobbed characters thrown together (in this case a fashion photographer, the obligatory science type and a spy) alongside a screaming girl whose only job is to flutter her eyelashes at the hero, face-painted 'natives', alien invaders and a collection of ever more ludicrously explained beasts alongside some vague ecological themes - are present and correct whilst the score from the legendary Akira (Gojira) Ifukube is never anything other than epic.

Yes it's (fairly) cheap looking by today's standards and the dubbing - at least on this version which sounds at times like the cast of a community centre panto who've just learned how to speak - is absolutely atrocious but look passed the obvious shortcomings and you're in for a treat.

Or at least a very guilty pleasure.

ABBA - The Brexit years.

As ever, Ishirô Honda's direction is fantastic, the cast are, well just there really whilst the special effects are exactly how you remember/imagine them with colorful matte work and a myriad of miniatures just begging to be stomped intercut with a trade-mark studio bound feel that is at once homely and strangely high-concept, almost as if the makers wanted to make everything deliberately unreal and comic book-like.

Or is that just me reading too much into a genre I've unapologetically loved since boyhood.

You decide.

Not as famous or as well loved as its Kaiju companions, Space Amoeba is well deserving of a re-evaluation.

As is Kenji Sahara's fashion choices.

Go on, I mean what have you to lose?

Not your dignity obviously, I mean you read this blog.

Go on, stop what you're doing and watch it now.

You can thank me later.