Friday, May 18, 2007

reasons to love cbeebies (part one)

Being a fan of top quality televisual programming in all it's forms I feel I should bring your attention to some of the unsung heroes on that greatest of all entertainment channels: the
genius that is CBeebies.
Broadcasting from 7.00 AM to 7.00 PM, 7 days a week and 365 days a year there is no greater depository of classic tee vee than this unique channel, from the almost Zardoz-esque In The Night Garden to the Gilbert & George inspired art terrorism of Doodle-Doo, all forms of culture and life are here and one of it's greatest presenters/stars is the oh so wonderful rinky dinky...


Pui-Fan Lee


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Admit it. You would....

Along with the omni-sexual Chris Jarvis, Pui was the first presenter to host CBeebies. With her tomboy trademark togs, sweet and sunny disposition and almost Argento style home haircut, Pui become the channel's first unofficial pin-up. But her talents isn't just for presenting, She also has has a wide and varied career encompassing both ends of the acting spectrum, from comedies like the Lenny Henry sitcom Chef! to the Channel Four shagathon (co-starring Micky Smith himself, Noel Clarke) Metrosexuality via kids favourite Dramarama and The Worst Witch. Her big movie break was as one of the detainees of the Thai prison, a role she brought a remarkable credibility to), in the chick flick Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

Her most famous character role, however, must be as everyones favourite Teletubby, the adorable Po, in all 223 episodes of the smash hit cult show.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
...especially if she was dressed like this.


For those of you who don't know, Po is red, short, and has a circle on her head. She is the most popular of the Teletubbies, and her charm and innocence have yet to be twisted by the bitter betrayals and sexual tension which grip the other three. She communicates in a mix of Cantonese and Teletubbiespeak and loves playing on her scooter. Her hobbies include falling over and eating tubbie-toast and tubbie-custard.

Plus, being the only female Teletubbie, she's the only one you would go with if drunk.


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Bibberly cheese!"


In her private life Pui has been romantically linked to co-star Chris (that dark horse) and disease ridden yoof 'comedian' and modern day dandy Russell Brand amongst others but is currently single.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

the power of christ impales you

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Dir: Lee Demarbre
Cast: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Ian Driscoll, Jeff Moffet.

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

You'd think that from the title alone you'd know what to expect from this movie....but, oh no, there's much more to it than just(!) The Saviour battling the undead my friends.....are you ready for Mexican wrestling hero Santos?....clown faced vampire lesbians?....song and dance numbers?....Kung Fu action?.....punk priests and the shit scary guy in the bushes? (The latter is a wild-eyed hairy beast of a man with mad eyes who appears randomly throughout the movie to spout frightening insights into Christianity and quotes from The Bible).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Pull my finger true believer!"

Opening with the sultry Vamp Maxine Shreck (see what they did there?) viciously murdering a hold ups wearing, sensible shoed nurse to satisfy her blood lust (and then stealing her car), we discover that these Vampires are immune to sunlight and that they have evil plans in store for the lesbian population of Ottawa....Who can save them?
Groovy priests for hire Father's Eustace and Alban decide that this is a job for Jesus, so Alban sets off on a holy scooter to ask the Son of God for help.
They find him at the beach drinking lemonade, baptizing the faithful and comparing the Kingdom of God to building a sandcastle. But their pleas for help are interrupted by a three way vamp attack! The priests are killed by the evil Maxine, but not before Jesus has dispatched her two helpers. Maxine escapes, leaving Jesus no choice but to follow her to the city.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"I fang you."

Arriving in the city and setting up base in a room supplied by the church Jesus' first challenge comes not from the forces of darkness but from a van full of atheists intent on disproving the power of God. Suffice to say Jesus kicks their arses, afterwards deciding that to complete his holy quest he needs to get a haircut and piercings and, aided by the buxom scarlet cat suited Mary Magnum, picks up some cool new togs too.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jesus and Mary (buxomness not shown).

After chasing down Maxine and ex church goer turned vampire leader Johnny Golgotha to a seedy hospital they discover the blood suckers evil plan.....Nutty, boss eyed mad scientist Praetorious is grafting the skin from the slaughtered lesbians onto comatose vampires thus enabling them to become 'day walkers'. (He also smears bits of body parts onto his face while working, just so we know how mental he is).
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny and a rooftop battle ensues resulting in Jesus getting beaten to a bloody pulp and Mary drained of her precious lifeblood by Maxine.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Maxine and Mary (buxomness shown).

Jesus is left for dead in the streets....his pleas for help ignored by everyone passing, only a transvestite heeds his call....

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus (with the help of the transvestite) recovers from his physical wounds but his spirit is broken. How can he go on? who can help him battle this evil?
In a run down diner God appears to him as a bowl of cherries to tell him that famed Mexican wrestler Santos is on his way to join the fight.....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Jesus! Santos! Kickos! Assos!

Finally! A 'B' movie worthy of that accolade! A fantastic cast, a brilliant premise, a sharp script, cool songs and an all round sense of fun all add up to make this movie one of the best religous/vampire/lesbian/kung fu/Mexican wrestling movies ever (and trust me on this, I've seen a few).
Phil Caracas plays Jesus to perfection (similar in style to the way Adam West played Batman), straight laced but warm and funny with it. I go as far as to say he's the definitive screen Messiah. Special mention must also go to Jeff Moffet for his Oscar worthy portrayal of Santos, how Joaquin Phoenix can get the glory for Walk The Line whilst this guy is left in obscurity is beyond me. There is no justice in the world.
Beg, borrow or steal a copy of this movie and spread the gospel according to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:
The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!

Monday, April 23, 2007

"my planet's got no magnetic core!" "how do you pilot it around then?" "bedfordshire!"

Daleks' Invasion Earth 2150 AD (1966)

Dir: Gordon Flemyng

Peter Cushing (Dr Who), Bernard Cribbins (Tom Campbell), Ray Brooks (David), Andrew Keir (Wylen), Roberta Tovey (Susan), Jill Curzon (Louise)

The Daleks second foray onto the big screen 'Daleks: Invasion Earth 2150 AD' has the kinda title that gives even the most casual viewer some idea of what to expect (although the Daleks vs. the grumpy tramps might be a more appropriate title, feature as it does the greatest collection of flea market suits this side of an Oxfam opening). The bright colours and fun feel of the first movie give way to an altogether more gritty film, a sort of junior 'Escape from New York' with Bernard Cribbins in the Kurt Russell role(albeit wearing black, wet-look PVC).

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

A Dalek spaceship yesterday.

Beginning with a fabulous pre-credits teaser that would do Bond proud in which Cribbins (as hapless copper Tom Campbell) is bonked on the head by a gang of ruthless clock thieves before stumbling into the TARDIS after mistaking it for a real police box. Before you can say 'Right said Fred' he's been whizzed away into a future London by our old friends Doctor Who and Susan, this time aided by sultry Louise (the raven haired Jill Curzon). On leaving the TARDIS all manner of exciting things begin to happen, from flying saucers over Sloane's Square to Louise being kidnapped by a flat capped grumpy Scotsman. With the help of Ray (Mister Benn) Brooks, Doctor Who discovers that the Daleks have been kidnapping the fittest men in the country and, after scary brainwashing techniques involving stand-up hairdryers, dressing them in tight PVC jumpsuits and leather boots to use as 'slaves'. Not content with this vaguely homo-erotic course of action, the Daleks are also digging a big hole in Bedfordshire with the idea of removing Earths magnetic core and piloting the planet around like a big spaceship. So it's up to Doctor Who, the grumpy Scotsman, Mr. Benn, the Womble-voiced Cribbins and all the survivors the Daleks obviously didn't fancy to gang together and stop this frankly terrifying plan before it's too late.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

"Bugger me Bernard! It's a wasp!"

The film boasts some genuinely great effects including a fabulously designed Dalek Spaceship flying menacingly over a devastated London and some super forced perspective sets, especially those at the saucers landing area. The battle scenes between the survivors and the Daleks are well choreographed and visually exciting and the whole movie has a kind of 'epic' quality to it, only marred by some misplaced hi-jinx from Cribbins. Whilst the comedy in the first movie is quite sweetly done, here it seems to jar against the overall seriousness of the plot, especially the Roboman meal scene, which cheapens the otherwise genuinely chilling concept behind these Dalek slaves. A scene late on in the film, where one of the workers tries to reason with his robotised brother before being cruelly murdered by him, has its impact slightly lessened by the earlier antics of Bernard Cribbins scoffing dolly mixtures with his funny robot pals to a samba beat.

The guest cast are uniformly great, with a special mention to Andrew Keir's afore mentioned grumpy Scotsman, Ray Brook's 'boy with the knack' and Philip Madoc's nasty black marketer, who meets his grisly end in a garden shed blown to pieces by around twenty Daleks.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"I'll drink you under the table mate."

'Daleks: Invasion Earth 2150 AD' is by far the more accomplished film, although the fact that it made less money than its predecessor curtailed any plans Subotsky had for further big screen Doctor Who adventures, which is sad really, as judging by his efforts here, the results could have only got better and better. Often seen by fans as either embarrassing relatives of the series, or seldom mentioned curio's, the two sixties feature films offer a wealth of enjoyment to be had and a glimpse, for those too young to remember, of 'Dalekmania' at it's height.

Friday, April 20, 2007

skaro a go-go!


Dr. Who And The Daleks (1965)
Dir: Gordon Flemyng
Screenplay by Milton Subotsky
Produced by Milton Subotsky and Max J. Rosenberg
Starring:
Peter Cushing (Dr Who), Roy Castle (Ian), Jennie Linden (Barbara), Roberta Tovey (Susan), Barrie Ingham (Alydon)

For many of us, the Peter Cushing movies were our first encounter with the show's past, so this was how we imagined all sixties Doctor Who looked and sounded (so you understand, then, why we were a wee bit disappointed when we finally got to see 'The Dead Planet' on it's original video release but why we all adore 'The Krotons') and re-watching them today it's hard not to be won over by their charm. Peter Cushing, as the eccentric old grandfather Dr. Who plays the part as a mischievous schoolboy trapped in an old mans body (stop sniggering at the back). From the opening shot of him enjoying Dan Dare's adventures in The Eagle to his genuine excitement at the thought of exploring the mysterious city, Cushing's Doctor Who is a joy to behold.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Just a trim sir?"

As for the rest of the human cast…Jennie Linden's Barbara is all scary hair, tight tops and pointed bra's, a kind of low rent Lulu either frowning sweatily at Peter Cushing or fawning sweatily over the bumbling comedy genius that is Roy Castle's Ian Chesterton but Roberta Tovey's Susie is just bloody scary. Imagine Adric in a tartan pinny and ankle socks and you're half way there.
The Thals, all blonde wigs, Chelsea boots and blue eye shadow are amazing, as if Ziggy Stardust and Quentin Crisp had been melded in a hideous genetic experiment run by the kids from Village of the Damned. The ladies are strangely alluring, the men just plain strange...
None of this is really that important, though, as we're really here to see the Daleks….bigger, better and considerably brighter than ever before (or since). From their first appearance skulking in the corridors of their city, to their exciting demise, the metal meanies have never looked better, as if they'd stepped directly from the pages of TV21 comic. The whole production screams 'BIG!, even the police box shell looks bigger than normal (it's a pity, though, that they decided to film the TARDIS interiors inside Albert Steptoe's shed). The Skaro sets have a genuine other-worldly feel and as for the city interiors…Jennie Linden recalls that this was 'the first and largest set completely built from plastic'… think about this, a giant primary coloured, transparent plastic Dalek city, complete with lava lamps and big black and white TV screens populated by giant primary coloured, shiny Daleks…genius does not begin to describe this artistic triumph. The one big mistake by the Academy Award panel was that this film wasn't even nominated in 1965, if it had been it would have swept the board.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

The plot is adapted from the Terry Nation original, but with all the boring bits cut out, by David Whitaker and the legendary Milton Subotsky, hurtles along at a cracking pace, pausing only to showcase a few quality comedy turns from Mr. Castle. These include such delights as 'Ian sits on a box of chocolates', 'Ian can't get in a door' and mine (and many other fan's) favourite, 'Ian is attacked by giant projected Roman soldiers whilst whistling'. Fans of Roy Castle's portrayal of Ian may also want to check out the Amicus classic 'Dr. Terror's House of Horrors', as well as also being produced by Subotsky, it re-teams him with Peter Cushing and also features star turns from Christopher Lee, Kenny Lynch, once mooted big screen Doctor Donald Sutherland and Alan 'Fluff' Freeman….but I digress, that's for another time……

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
"Hmmm....did I leave the gas on?"