seduction of the gullible.

The calm before the censorship storm?....BBC news brings a 'lively' debate on 'torture porn' (the new name for horror movies featuring "sadistic torture, mutilation and murder - often with women as the victims - are central to the plot".) Which is nice.

Tim Masters full article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6238204.stm

but I figured it'd be more entertaining to take the piss (well at least I'm honest). Enjoy:

"The last three weeks alone has seen Vacancy, Captivity and Hostel: Part II playing in cinemas across the UK" an obviously terrified Tim writes.

"Hostel: Part II is the follow-up to Eli Roth's box office hit from early 2006 in which a group of male backpackers fall prey to a torture ring in Slovakia" (obviously this can't be one of the culprits as the main victims are men but there you go) "And a poster campaign for Captivity (one that was mistakenly used and actually pulled by the distributors, but that doesn't make good copy) was pulled earlier this year in the US after complaints about the graphic images featuring the film's lead Elisha Cuthbert" (the new one featuring her being buried alive with her breasts pushed towards the viewer is ok tho').

The original poster pulled for being too violent or
just too cluttered and badly designed? you decide!

The acceptable face (and breasts) of fear.

In an attempt to bring an experts opinion to the proceedings Master's quotes Mark Kermode's review of Captivity from Radio Five Live:

"It's a grotty, nasty, sleazy, infantile piece of dung" said the bequiffed skiffler. Lets be honest tho' if you're a 'proper' serious fan of the horror genre you just know that something like Captivity is going to be utter rot and the only folk that'll enjoy it are the ones like the really awful woman in pink that appeared on the Dawn of The Dead remake ads going "It's sooo much better than the original!" when you knew for a fact that she wouldn't know the Romero version if it came up behind her and took a chunk out of her ample arse.

Kermode: sleazy
and infantile.

"Last year, another torture-flavoured film, Saw III, grabbed headlines after reports of punters fainting in the cinema".

But if you're gonna pay good money to see factory produced lowest common denominator bollocks like a Saw movie then fainting in the cinema is the least of your worries.

The only way you'd get
me watching Saw III.

"A clever marketing ploy perhaps, or are these films really pushing the boundaries of violence and on-screen bloodshed?" pushing the boundaries of dumbing down films perhaps....

Masters then goes on to review the movies (worth reading for a laugh at least) before 'bumping into' top horror bod and Argentofile Alan (our mate John has shagged him) Jones (I never just happen to bump into him in the street after seeing a movie....why?)

"Caught enjoying Vacancy? fined £300!"

"There is nothing new in this," he says. "People have been on stone slabs being tortured by people since Frankenstein."

"But is there a difference when the horror has no fantasy element?" Asks a somewhat confused Tim because obviously 'horror without a fantasy element' is something like Schindler's List or The Killing Fields but seeing as they're 'proper' films they don't count.

"That's the problem - most people can write off the Hammer movies because they can be explained away as fairytales" answers Jones. "But with Hostel it's dealing with what people don't really want to address. And that is that the guy who's standing next to you in the supermarket queue could be a serial killer. Not just somebody who is obviously evil." He adds before running home to check for The Third Mother updates: "People like Eli Roth remember the first time they went to see a horror film and how much it shocked them, and they want to replicate that for today's audiences."

I can see this running and running......at least till the 'moral majority' find another scapegoat for societies ills. Surprisingly tho' John Beyer, head of Mediawatch and self appointed moral guardian of Britain has been conspicuous by his absence during this debate. He's no doubt too busy with his good Christian pursuits like outing gay police officers and sending threatening letters to BBC employees after the Jerry Springer Opera contraversy. Probably.

Beyer: Self righteous arse.

reason to love cbeebies (part 4)

After months of research that would put Indiana Jones to shame I've finally found information on the ultimate Cbeebies star.....you may know her as the (non) bearded librarian in Story Makers or the voice of Jelly in the same show...but true fans know her as.....

Aliex Yuill

"Quiet in the library or the ickle chick gets it!"

The stunning, intelligent (and stunningly intelligent) multi talented true star of Cbeebies has worked in many fields of television production. From her humble beginnings as a runner on the Vanessa show to the puppeteer/voice of dipsy Jelly on the hit library based TeeVee show The Story Makers via chaperoning Sir Bobbie Charlton at the ITV show Music Hall of Fame, Aliex is a consummate professional, bringing an unbridled realism to her role as 'hot librarian' taking what could be seen as a mere walk-on character and making her a living breathing flesh and blood creation, her hopes, dreams and fears visible to the audience thru' the simple yet effective use of her eyes and the phrase "That's home time everyone!"

The mark of Mr. Tumble.

When not acting, directing, producing or presenting, Aliex loves nothing better than relaxing to the sound of her brother James' 'folktronica' sound (his second album is out now) and, showing a real caring side not usually seen in so-called 'celebrities' has taken time out to teach in Ghana at a small village school on the outskirts of Cape Coast.

The reaction to the restraining
order was greeted with surprise.

Currently touring with the Springwatch roadshow, who knows what Aliex will turn her hand to next? I'll have to carry on sitting in the tree opposite her house to find out.

Blind Date: The Wilderness Years.

ban this sick filth.

After a nice peaceful lull in British censorship (Ex-DPP banned list films getting released uncut, no moral outrage...almost normal i guess) it's back on the agenda with the BBFC banning a 'violent' video game (the first one in over a decade).
Oh dear.

Just looking at this screencap can make you a killer.

Reported over on auntie Beeb it appears that:

The video game Manhunt 2 was rejected for its "unrelenting focus on stalking and brutal slaying", according to a British Board of Film Classification spokesperson.

It means the Manhunt sequel cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK.

Rockstar Games the designers of Manhunt 2 have six weeks to submit an appeal.

The last game to be refused classification was Carmageddon in 1997. That decision was overturned on appeal.

And this one as well.

David Cooke, director of the BBFC, said: "Manhunt 2 is distinguishable from recent high-end video games by its unremitting bleakness and callousness of tone and there is sustained and cumulative casual sadism in the way in which these killings are committed, and encouraged, in the game."

The original Manhunt game caused huge controversy amongst our moral protectors and those who hadn't played it upon it's release and was blamed for the murder of Stefan Pakeerah. who was stabbed and beaten to death in Leicester in February 2004. Although Police said robbery was the motive behind the attack on Stefan, his parents believe the killer, Warren LeBlanc, 17, was inspired by the game, much in the same way Rambo was to blame for the Hungerford killings even tho' Michael Ryan didn't own a video recorder.

Artists impression of someone
who has played the game.

Stefan's mother has branded the gaming industry "morally irresponsible".

"We have been campaigning against these games for a long time and the BBFC made the right decision," she said.

Manhunt's maker Rockstar North has always insisted its games are geared towards mature audiences and are marketed responsibly.

Leicester MP and professional band wagon jumper Keith Vaz, who campaigned with the family against the original version of Manhunt, praised the decision to ban Manhunt 2.

Vaz: Smug bandwagon jumper
(kids with cancer for a good photo
opportunity not shown).

He said: "This is an excellent decision by the British Board of Film Classification, showing that game publishers cannot expect to get interactive games where players take the part of killers engaged in 'casual sadism' and murder."

Strangely he never mentioned social inadequacies and care, lack of support amongst communities or unemployment etc. for any of societies ills.

Good job he's found that it's really video games and films to blame for all of the countries problems. He deserves a medal.

reasons to love cbeebies (part three)

She's possibly the sexiest French girl on UK TeeVee today with her fiery red hair, yellow tights and the sauciest accent this side of Serge Gainsbourg...I can only be talking about

Tilly

The sexy star of Tots TV, Tilly shares a secret house with 'friends' Tom and Tiny and their pet donkey, often venturing out to explore an everyday part of the human world.

This also sometimes involved them using their 'magic sack' (or sac magique as Tilly breathlessly said in the title song) which they always took with them.

Although Tiny always carried it, Tilly was the one who best knew how to manipulate this 'sac magique'.....bringing forth the very item needed to help their situation.

Tilly's Magic Sack. Snigger.

Not only was Tilly beautiful and intelligent, but was also an accomplished musician, wowing everyone by whipping out a magic flute and entertaining the crowds with some top freeform jazz.

"Je suis une Tot."

Rumour has it that TeeVee exec's desperate to make French more appealing to a xenophobic British audience secretly transfered Beatrice Dalle's life essence into the Tilly puppet using an ancient Voodoo technique to ensure that male viewers would stay transfixed....as the picxtures below show, this is looking increasingly likely (plus what's Beatrice Dalle done since The Addiction?).

The real-life Tilly, dirty
French burd Beatrice Dalle.

Whatever the truth may be the Totty-rific Tilly will always be our number one French fancy.

Sorry, I came over all tabloid there.

reasons to love cbeebies (part two)

Gary Gibson was a high-flying broker who thrived in a world of cut-throat competition. He had good prospects for promotion and was more or less guaranteed a job as a director at a computer firm.

Then he gave it all up and moved to Brighton to become an actor.

He struggled through working as a postman to support his family while studying at Brighton's only acting academy, The Academy of Creative Training.

But his dream kept him going, his hard work paid off, within a few years the old Gary Gibson was dead, reborn as the nation's favourite Cbeebies presenter....the fantastic....

SIDNEY SLOANE

Sid said whilst taking a break from his hectic schedule: "I loved my career, but I had been doing it for ten years and had come to a crossroads in my life. I enjoyed the communication aspect of my job, but I needed a bigger challenge. I never even had an inkling I may go into acting."

Leaving his high profile job to work as a postman, bodyguard and bounty hunter amongst other things to support his young family Sid found himself working 37 hours a day and living on nuts and beak, at one point selling a kidney to survive.

"That was it, I was completely hooked. Nothing was going to stop me. I knew I would be giving up a lot, particularly financially and of course my kidney, but I never had any doubts. I trusted my gut instincts and believed in myself."

Wise words from a wise man.

Whilst researching this blog tho, I did come across some potentially disturbing information about Sidney Sloane...it appears that in 1906 Sloane chopped up his father with an axe after being refused spending money....he was later incarcerated in an asylum for the criminally insane.

Could this be the same Sidney Sloane?.....an immortal traveling agelessly thru' time taking on different persona's and personalities? or is it a different Sidney Sloane altogether?
I know which I believe.

reasons to love cbeebies (part one)

Being a fan of top quality televisual programming in all it's forms I feel I should bring your attention to some of the unsung heroes on that greatest of all entertainment channels: the
genius that is CBeebies.
Broadcasting from 7.00 AM to 7.00 PM, 7 days a week and 365 days a year there is no greater depository of classic tee vee than this unique channel, from the almost Zardoz-esque In The Night Garden to the Gilbert & George inspired art terrorism of Doodle-Doo, all forms of culture and life are here and one of it's greatest presenters/stars is the oh so wonderful rinky dinky...

Pui-Fan Lee

Admit it. You would....

Along with the omni-sexual Chris Jarvis, Pui was the first presenter to host CBeebies. With her tomboy trademark togs, sweet and sunny disposition and almost Argento style home haircut, Pui become the channel's first unofficial pin-up. But her talents isn't just for presenting, She also has has a wide and varied career encompassing both ends of the acting spectrum, from comedies like the Lenny Henry sitcom Chef! to the Channel Four shagathon (co-starring Micky Smith himself, Noel Clarke) Metrosexuality via kids favourite Dramarama and The Worst Witch. Her big movie break was as one of the detainees of the Thai prison, a role she brought a remarkable credibility to), in the chick flick Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

Her most famous character role, however, must be as everyones favourite Teletubby, the adorable Po, in all 223 episodes of the smash hit cult show.

...especially if she was dressed like this.

For those of you who don't know, Po is red, short, and has a circle on her head. She is the most popular of the Teletubbies, and her charm and innocence have yet to be twisted by the bitter betrayals and sexual tension which grip the other three. She communicates in a mix of Cantonese and Teletubbiespeak and loves playing on her scooter. Her hobbies include falling over and eating tubbie-toast and tubbie-custard.

Plus, being the only female Teletubbie, she's the only one you would go with if drunk.

"Bibberly cheese!"

In her private life Pui has been romantically linked to co-star Chris (that dark horse) and disease ridden yoof 'comedian' and modern day dandy Russell Brand amongst others but is currently single.

the power of christ impales you

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
Dir: Lee Demarbre
Cast: Phil Caracas, Murielle Varhelyi, Ian Driscoll, Jeff Moffet.

"If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

You'd think that from the title alone you'd know what to expect from this movie....but, oh no, there's much more to it than just(!) The Saviour battling the undead my friends.....are you ready for Mexican wrestling hero Santos?....clown faced vampire lesbians?....song and dance numbers?....Kung Fu action?.....punk priests and the shit scary guy in the bushes? (The latter is a wild-eyed hairy beast of a man with mad eyes who appears randomly throughout the movie to spout frightening insights into Christianity and quotes from The Bible).

"Pull my finger true believer!"

Opening with the sultry Vamp Maxine Shreck (see what they did there?) viciously murdering a hold ups wearing, sensible shoed nurse to satisfy her blood lust (and then stealing her car), we discover that these Vampires are immune to sunlight and that they have evil plans in store for the lesbian population of Ottawa....Who can save them?
Groovy priests for hire Father's Eustace and Alban decide that this is a job for Jesus, so Alban sets off on a holy scooter to ask the Son of God for help.
They find him at the beach drinking lemonade, baptizing the faithful and comparing the Kingdom of God to building a sandcastle. But their pleas for help are interrupted by a three way vamp attack! The priests are killed by the evil Maxine, but not before Jesus has dispatched her two helpers. Maxine escapes, leaving Jesus no choice but to follow her to the city.....

"I fang you."

Arriving in the city and setting up base in a room supplied by the church Jesus' first challenge comes not from the forces of darkness but from a van full of atheists intent on disproving the power of God. Suffice to say Jesus kicks their arses, afterwards deciding that to complete his holy quest he needs to get a haircut and piercings and, aided by the buxom scarlet cat suited Mary Magnum, picks up some cool new togs too.

Jesus and Mary (buxomness not shown).

After chasing down Maxine and ex church goer turned vampire leader Johnny Golgotha to a seedy hospital they discover the blood suckers evil plan.....Nutty, boss eyed mad scientist Praetorious is grafting the skin from the slaughtered lesbians onto comatose vampires thus enabling them to become 'day walkers'. (He also smears bits of body parts onto his face while working, just so we know how mental he is).
Jesus and Mary give chase to Maxine and Johnny and a rooftop battle ensues resulting in Jesus getting beaten to a bloody pulp and Mary drained of her precious lifeblood by Maxine.

Maxine and Mary (buxomness shown).

Jesus is left for dead in the streets....his pleas for help ignored by everyone passing, only a transvestite heeds his call....

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus (with the help of the transvestite) recovers from his physical wounds but his spirit is broken. How can he go on? who can help him battle this evil?
In a run down diner God appears to him as a bowl of cherries to tell him that famed Mexican wrestler Santos is on his way to join the fight.....

Jesus! Santos! Kickos! Assos!

Finally! A 'B' movie worthy of that accolade! A fantastic cast, a brilliant premise, a sharp script, cool songs and an all round sense of fun all add up to make this movie one of the best religous/vampire/lesbian/kung fu/Mexican wrestling movies ever (and trust me on this, I've seen a few).
Phil Caracas plays Jesus to perfection (similar in style to the way Adam West played Batman), straight laced but warm and funny with it. I go as far as to say he's the definitive screen Messiah. Special mention must also go to Jeff Moffet for his Oscar worthy portrayal of Santos, how Joaquin Phoenix can get the glory for Walk The Line whilst this guy is left in obscurity is beyond me. There is no justice in the world.
Beg, borrow or steal a copy of this movie and spread the gospel according to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:

The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!