top ten killer kiddies.

“She can fool some people with that innocent look she can put on and put off — but not me!”

10. Hayley Stark (Hard Candy).




9. Michael Myers (Halloween).




8. Damien Thorn (Omen II)



7. Alice (Alice Sweet Alice)




6. Baby Milt (it's Alive).




5. The Midwich Cuckoos (Village of The Damned).




4. Nola's kids (The Brood).




3. The Grady Twins (The Shining).




2. Rhoda Penmark (The Bad Seed).



1. Karen (Night of The Living Dead).

forgotten teevee legends (part one)

In the history of that great British variety tradition of cross dressing the partnership of performer Patrick Fyffe and ex-computer programmer and pianist George Logan has never been equaled.

The pair met in 1974 and almost immediately launched their act at that years Edinburgh Festival to great acclaim.

Who am I waffling on about?

The fantastic Hinge and Bracket.

The shows success led to the duo taking part in a worldwide tour before being signed up to the BBC for the first in a regular series entitled The Enchanting World of Hinge and Bracket on Radio 4 in 1978. This was followed by The Random Jottings of Hinge and Bracket and two series of Dear Ladies for BBC 2.

Beware the stare that will terrify the world!

Set in the fictional village of Stackton Tressel, the show was co-written by novelty jumpered Tory bum boy Gyles Brandreth and led to even greater super stardom now that they'd been found by TeeVee audiences. The double act had the world at their feet and their next project had to be as good if not better than anything that had gone before.....

The duo settled on a series of commercials for Croft Original Sherry.

From appearing alongside such mega stars as the robotic cowboy Yul Brynner and small ginger man Red Buttons at the Royal Variety Show to being 'directed' by the anagramtastic Placido Domingo in “Die Fledermaus” the duo never failed to hit the entertainment funnybone of a nation (and it's criminal colonies).

The much wished for
Morrissey and Marr reunion.

In the theatre they toured in “Lettice and Lovage”, whilst George Logan played Miss Marple in a tour of “Murder at the Vicarage” before Patrick Fyffe died in 2002 in a freak piano juggling accident (it would have been very difficult to tour after his death tho' but not impossible with today's special effects techniques).

panto-loons.

Press release just intercepted (and annotated) from the Theatre Royal Newcastle:

The North's favourite panto with 3D bogglevision!

Get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!

Don’t miss our funniest and most spectacular pantomime ever! Featuring sensational special effects, you'll be amazed at some of the most stunning 3D sequences ever created for pantomime, including an incredible Genie! You'll even be able to touch his magic lamp (oooeerrr) as it floats before your eyes in 3D vision!

Webb & Adams:
On the register.

The North East’s favourite (only?) panto stars, Clive Webb and Danny Adams, return to create more mayhem and more mess with their 'hysterical' routines, including another very messy slapstick scene (think Last Tango in Paris, but with two guys)... and watch out for Danny flying on the most amazing flying carpet you'll ever see with the help of a stolen Methadone prescription!

Conway: face like a Cod.

Fish lipped (and breathed) Ayr midfielder Craig Conway returns as the villainous Abanazar and the skinny blonde one from Steps that your uncle fancied, Faye Tozer joins in the fun as the magical spirit Scherazade. And making their first ever appearance in pantomime (did they not watch the show in the 80's?), The Daleks, from TV’s Doctor Who, threaten to exterminate Aladdin’s plans (not Aladdin mind, just his plans) to marry Princess Jasmine and live happily ever after…

Tozer: Spunk bucket.

Aladdin is once again written and directed by Michael Harrison who was responsible for our previous smash hit panto productions of Sinderella, Junior Entertaining Mr. Sloane, Witchfinder General and Jack and the Beanstalk. With an extra week added due to popular demand and tickets selling faster than ever before, be sure to book your seats TODAY for the North East’s favourite (although they've not seen it yet) pantomime!

Flyer: dubious quality.

Daleks in panto?!!?....what can the Nation estate do next to ruin their image as evil alien dictators next? advertising Kit-Kats, appearing in a movie with the Looney Tunes characters or spunking over each other shouting "White weewee!" in a camp voice?

Oh yeah, they've already done that.

before transformers....

....there were The Shogun Warriors! next to Rom The Space Knight the best comic series Marvel ever produced!
Plus the toys were great too! Head back thru' memory lane (and your parents attic) with this ad from 1978.

the best toy i never owned.

Alongside the best haircut I never had.

holy merchandise!

Strange but true, the other day we were discussing the lack of Bible-based merchandise, it seems that you could only really buy a Noah's Ark toy whilst we really wanted Tower of Babel Jenga or a Sodom and Gomorrah interactive playset. Well it appears those true believers at One2believe toys have answered our prayers!

"Put it in me!"

These world famous designers of Bible-based toys have a new series coming soon called Tales of Glory; available at select Wal-Mart stores and other retailers across the good ol' US of A.

The first wave consists of:

Samson: one of the strongest men who ever lived. He was used by God to destroy his enemies and do some other pretty amazing things! He caught over three hundred foxes by himself; he killed a lion with his bare-hands; he killed 30 men in one night without any weapons; and he even used the jawbone of a donkey to single-handedly defeat one thousand men!

"Beware Barry Gibb's fist of wrath!"

The secret to Samson’s strength was his hair! God had blessed him with this incredible gift, but it was all based on one condition: he could not cut his hair. So, Samson did all that he could to protect his secret.
One day, Samson’s enemies discovered his secret and they cut his hair. Samson’s strength left and his enemies captured him. But Samson prayed that God would let him use his strength one last time. God answered his prayer and Samson performed one of the greatest feats of strength ever! (Judges 13-16).
Children can make this story come to life with one of our amazing Spirit Warriors, Samson! This action figure comes with everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Item includes a colorful “Samson, The Strongest Man to Ever Live” mini-storybook and a 13” Samson action-figure (with outfit).

Esther: A Jewish orphan raised by her older cousin. He loved her and cared for her until she was all grown up. Then, the King of the land began to look for a beautiful Queen. He looked far and wide, but he could not find anyone who made him happy. Then, he saw Esther. As soon as he met her, the search was over! He had found his beautiful Queen at last. But the story does not end there. Someone came up with an evil plan to destroy all of the Jewish people. But Esther decided to be brave and try to save the Jewish people from destruction. (Esther 1-9).

Meow.

Now children can learn more about Esther’s incredible Tale of Glory while they play! Esther narrates her own biography, and also quotes key memory verses from the Bible, including Esther 4:11a and Esther 7:3. Our unique start/stop function allows children to pause and restart the story at any point.

Daniel: He loved to pray to God and loved him so much that he would not let anything keep him from praying, not even the great threat of the lions’ den! (Daniel 6)

"Fuck me! it's George Lucas!"

Children can make this story come to life with our interactive “Daniel” play set, featuring everything you need to help your child learn about this fascinating Tale of Glory. Set includes a “Daniel and the Lions’ Den” mini-storybook and 3 PVC figurines (Daniel, a lion and a stone wall).

All toys are aged 3+ .

seduction of the gullible.

The calm before the censorship storm?....BBC news brings a 'lively' debate on 'torture porn' (the new name for horror movies featuring "sadistic torture, mutilation and murder - often with women as the victims - are central to the plot".) Which is nice.

Tim Masters full article can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6238204.stm

but I figured it'd be more entertaining to take the piss (well at least I'm honest). Enjoy:

"The last three weeks alone has seen Vacancy, Captivity and Hostel: Part II playing in cinemas across the UK" an obviously terrified Tim writes.

"Hostel: Part II is the follow-up to Eli Roth's box office hit from early 2006 in which a group of male backpackers fall prey to a torture ring in Slovakia" (obviously this can't be one of the culprits as the main victims are men but there you go) "And a poster campaign for Captivity (one that was mistakenly used and actually pulled by the distributors, but that doesn't make good copy) was pulled earlier this year in the US after complaints about the graphic images featuring the film's lead Elisha Cuthbert" (the new one featuring her being buried alive with her breasts pushed towards the viewer is ok tho').

The original poster pulled for being too violent or
just too cluttered and badly designed? you decide!

The acceptable face (and breasts) of fear.

In an attempt to bring an experts opinion to the proceedings Master's quotes Mark Kermode's review of Captivity from Radio Five Live:

"It's a grotty, nasty, sleazy, infantile piece of dung" said the bequiffed skiffler. Lets be honest tho' if you're a 'proper' serious fan of the horror genre you just know that something like Captivity is going to be utter rot and the only folk that'll enjoy it are the ones like the really awful woman in pink that appeared on the Dawn of The Dead remake ads going "It's sooo much better than the original!" when you knew for a fact that she wouldn't know the Romero version if it came up behind her and took a chunk out of her ample arse.

Kermode: sleazy
and infantile.

"Last year, another torture-flavoured film, Saw III, grabbed headlines after reports of punters fainting in the cinema".

But if you're gonna pay good money to see factory produced lowest common denominator bollocks like a Saw movie then fainting in the cinema is the least of your worries.

The only way you'd get
me watching Saw III.

"A clever marketing ploy perhaps, or are these films really pushing the boundaries of violence and on-screen bloodshed?" pushing the boundaries of dumbing down films perhaps....

Masters then goes on to review the movies (worth reading for a laugh at least) before 'bumping into' top horror bod and Argentofile Alan (our mate John has shagged him) Jones (I never just happen to bump into him in the street after seeing a movie....why?)

"Caught enjoying Vacancy? fined £300!"

"There is nothing new in this," he says. "People have been on stone slabs being tortured by people since Frankenstein."

"But is there a difference when the horror has no fantasy element?" Asks a somewhat confused Tim because obviously 'horror without a fantasy element' is something like Schindler's List or The Killing Fields but seeing as they're 'proper' films they don't count.

"That's the problem - most people can write off the Hammer movies because they can be explained away as fairytales" answers Jones. "But with Hostel it's dealing with what people don't really want to address. And that is that the guy who's standing next to you in the supermarket queue could be a serial killer. Not just somebody who is obviously evil." He adds before running home to check for The Third Mother updates: "People like Eli Roth remember the first time they went to see a horror film and how much it shocked them, and they want to replicate that for today's audiences."

I can see this running and running......at least till the 'moral majority' find another scapegoat for societies ills. Surprisingly tho' John Beyer, head of Mediawatch and self appointed moral guardian of Britain has been conspicuous by his absence during this debate. He's no doubt too busy with his good Christian pursuits like outing gay police officers and sending threatening letters to BBC employees after the Jerry Springer Opera contraversy. Probably.

Beyer: Self righteous arse.