cinema's forgotten legends (part eleven)

She was the first girl to snog Roger Moore's Bond, she's romped semi-naked with horror goddess Ingrid Pitt and appeared alongside Peter Wyngarde and the Carry On team, but she's best known as the cult British starlet with the large brown eyes and even larger breasts.

Her name is Madeline Smith and we love her so.

Elfin face, bright eyes,
scary breasts.

Born in Sussex in 1949 and taught by nuns at a Convent school she escaped to London in 1967 to work in Biba's boutique in Kensington where two Italian men offered her (and her breasts) a role in the movie Escalation. Unfortunately years in the television wilderness followed before Madeline was cast as a bosom heaving virgin in the Hammer Lesbo Vamp classic The Vampire Lovers alongside a naked and writhing Ingrid Pitt. Most critics agree that her performance as a good girl tainted by Sapphic evil (whilst wearing a really low cut top) is the high point of the movie.

Inside the mind of every 14 year
old horror fan in the 80's.

This film also brought Maddie to the attention of cult pop artist J. Edward Oliver who obsessively drew hundreds of comic strips featuring her 'adventures' over many years till she complained to her lawyers. This just gave him more to draw and write about and he continued till his death in early 2007.

What Madeline really needed at this point was a substantial role in a major movie, unfortunately (for her) the only film work she was offered were roles that required her to slowly undress.

Pout.

Madeline decided to compromise, she refused to get totally nude but did offer to wear plunging necklines so her frighteningly large bosoms would always be on show whilst pulling a 'lights are on but no ones home' expression.

The lights are on...

Her stage work was much more prestigious tho' and relied less on her chest and more on her actual acting talent, and included Habeas Corpus with Sir Alec (Obi-Wan) Guinness and Shut Your Eyes And Think Of England with Dame Donald Sinden (OK, this last one did involve her chest but to be fair she did flash her arse too).

In 1975 Madeline was hand picked by Lord Roger Moore to be his first Bond girl in the fantastic Live and Let Die in the scene where Bond undoes her dress with his magnet watch whilst quipping 'Sheer magnetism darling' whilst sucking her face.

Madeline's also appeared fully clothed (and in a blonde wig) in The Amazing Mr. Blunden playing Diana Dors' daughter, on stage in Agatha Christie's The Mousetrap where she was throttled eight times a week for two years, and although she appeared in a few of the later Hammer efforts (in low cut tops) and in one off roles in major teevee shows, Madeline's career never really blossomed and she retired from acting in 1984 to raise a family.

A (big) girls blouse yesterday.

Luckily for the serious film fan she has started to appear at memorabilia events and most of her early work is now available on DVD with fantastic pause and picture quality.

top ten killer kiddies.

“She can fool some people with that innocent look she can put on and put off — but not me!”

10. Hayley Stark (Hard Candy).




9. Michael Myers (Halloween).




8. Damien Thorn (Omen II)



7. Alice (Alice Sweet Alice)




6. Baby Milt (it's Alive).




5. The Midwich Cuckoos (Village of The Damned).




4. Nola's kids (The Brood).




3. The Grady Twins (The Shining).




2. Rhoda Penmark (The Bad Seed).



1. Karen (Night of The Living Dead).

forgotten teevee legends (part one)

In the history of that great British variety tradition of cross dressing the partnership of performer Patrick Fyffe and ex-computer programmer and pianist George Logan has never been equaled.

The pair met in 1974 and almost immediately launched their act at that years Edinburgh Festival to great acclaim.

Who am I waffling on about?

The fantastic Hinge and Bracket.

The shows success led to the duo taking part in a worldwide tour before being signed up to the BBC for the first in a regular series entitled The Enchanting World of Hinge and Bracket on Radio 4 in 1978. This was followed by The Random Jottings of Hinge and Bracket and two series of Dear Ladies for BBC 2.

Beware the stare that will terrify the world!

Set in the fictional village of Stackton Tressel, the show was co-written by novelty jumpered Tory bum boy Gyles Brandreth and led to even greater super stardom now that they'd been found by TeeVee audiences. The double act had the world at their feet and their next project had to be as good if not better than anything that had gone before.....

The duo settled on a series of commercials for Croft Original Sherry.

From appearing alongside such mega stars as the robotic cowboy Yul Brynner and small ginger man Red Buttons at the Royal Variety Show to being 'directed' by the anagramtastic Placido Domingo in “Die Fledermaus” the duo never failed to hit the entertainment funnybone of a nation (and it's criminal colonies).

The much wished for
Morrissey and Marr reunion.

In the theatre they toured in “Lettice and Lovage”, whilst George Logan played Miss Marple in a tour of “Murder at the Vicarage” before Patrick Fyffe died in 2002 in a freak piano juggling accident (it would have been very difficult to tour after his death tho' but not impossible with today's special effects techniques).

panto-loons.

Press release just intercepted (and annotated) from the Theatre Royal Newcastle:

The North's favourite panto with 3D bogglevision!

Get ready for the adventure of a lifetime!

Don’t miss our funniest and most spectacular pantomime ever! Featuring sensational special effects, you'll be amazed at some of the most stunning 3D sequences ever created for pantomime, including an incredible Genie! You'll even be able to touch his magic lamp (oooeerrr) as it floats before your eyes in 3D vision!

Webb & Adams:
On the register.

The North East’s favourite (only?) panto stars, Clive Webb and Danny Adams, return to create more mayhem and more mess with their 'hysterical' routines, including another very messy slapstick scene (think Last Tango in Paris, but with two guys)... and watch out for Danny flying on the most amazing flying carpet you'll ever see with the help of a stolen Methadone prescription!

Conway: face like a Cod.

Fish lipped (and breathed) Ayr midfielder Craig Conway returns as the villainous Abanazar and the skinny blonde one from Steps that your uncle fancied, Faye Tozer joins in the fun as the magical spirit Scherazade. And making their first ever appearance in pantomime (did they not watch the show in the 80's?), The Daleks, from TV’s Doctor Who, threaten to exterminate Aladdin’s plans (not Aladdin mind, just his plans) to marry Princess Jasmine and live happily ever after…

Tozer: Spunk bucket.

Aladdin is once again written and directed by Michael Harrison who was responsible for our previous smash hit panto productions of Sinderella, Junior Entertaining Mr. Sloane, Witchfinder General and Jack and the Beanstalk. With an extra week added due to popular demand and tickets selling faster than ever before, be sure to book your seats TODAY for the North East’s favourite (although they've not seen it yet) pantomime!

Flyer: dubious quality.

Daleks in panto?!!?....what can the Nation estate do next to ruin their image as evil alien dictators next? advertising Kit-Kats, appearing in a movie with the Looney Tunes characters or spunking over each other shouting "White weewee!" in a camp voice?

Oh yeah, they've already done that.

before transformers....

....there were The Shogun Warriors! next to Rom The Space Knight the best comic series Marvel ever produced!
Plus the toys were great too! Head back thru' memory lane (and your parents attic) with this ad from 1978.

the best toy i never owned.

Alongside the best haircut I never had.

rockin' with roberts.

DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)
Dir: Corey Yuen
Cast: Jaime Pressly, Devon Aoki, Holly Valance, Sarah Carter, Natassia Malthe, Eric Fucking Roberts.

Regular readers will know that I don't often review (fairly) 'modern' films on this blog (3 podlings under 4 needing training in the ways of the 'B' movie leaves little time for anything else). But every so often a movie comes along that is so perfect in every way, so amazing in it's execution that it becomes a bona fide classic of it's genre. DOA: Dead or Alive is one such movie.

Bow to it's greatness.

On a mysterious island a yearly fighting tournament called DOA is held to determine the worlds top fighter but this year the contest is a personal crusade for one of the contestants, the cutesy freckled ninja princess Kasumi (Aoki) who is determined to discover exactly what happened to her brother who supposedly died at the previous event. Unfortunately for her, a fellow ninja (and her brothers beau) the purple haired Ayane (Malthe) is now honor-bound to kill Kasumi for leaving her clan. Ooops.

A ninja princess' arse yesterday.

Also competing is assassin and all round arse wiggling, reverse charge calling bad girl Christie (Valance) who, alongside her camp partner Max have a plan to break into the DOA vaults and leg it with the prize money.

Holly Valance in a bra (almost) with a gun.
Tissues required.

Then there's Texan rose Tina (Pressly), the stars and stripes bikini clad former pro wrestler desperate to prove that she's not a fake in the ring and her Hulk Hogan-alike dad Bass who's basically along for the free drink.

A sweaty American in a bikini
(and yes, it is important to the plot).

There are a load of other folk but none that look as good in swimsuits, except Helena that is. She's the daughter of the tournaments recently deceased founder, taking part for the first time.

Bikini clad girls grappling each other.
In the rain. Yes, there is a God.

Anyway, onto the plot.

Arriving at the island the contestants randomly paired up to fight each other, this can be at any time and any place, the winner receiving $10,000,000 in prize money.

Everything seems above board, until you realise the competition is being run by none other than ERIC ROBERTS and it would appear that the lizard king has secret plans for the competition winner.....

The sexiest picture yet.

You see, Eric has secretly injected 'nanobots' into the fighters enabling him to monitor (and ultimately download) their different fighting skills into a pair of nifty shades giving him and anyone with the money the chance to become the worlds top fighter. Diabolical.

Oh yeah, and if that's not enough, there's a heart warming romance between Helena and the geeky computer nerd that developed the program. Something for everyone then!

Director Corey Yuen (he of the abysmal Transporter) does a surprisingly good job of mixing a very human plot of honour, redemption and friendship with shots of scantily clad ladies fighting in slow motion, girl on girl fight action (in bikinis) in the rain, and close ups of Devon Aoki's tanned arse, not forgetting the fantastic volleyball match and the scene where Vallance takes out 4 policemen using a bath towel whilst only wearing little black undies.

I can see this movie becoming every 14 year old boy's entertainment of choice, replacing the underwear section of the Kays catalogue in their affections, and frankly why not? Any movie that can entertain, stimulate and still manage to give a realistic view on the current socio-political climate deserves to be seen by everyone. The youngsters viewing it today are the leaders of tomorrow and the world will be a better place if the take the lessons of this movie and put them into practice.

Rush out and rent it NOW.....and if you're still not swayed, here's the aforementioned pant/towel fight.

If that doesn't convince you then there really is no hope!