each!

Clips from the greatest teevee challenge show ever......
It's Globo Loco!

any excuse....

....for a few piccies of Freema Agyeman, here after winning the “Best Newcomer” at the 2007 Glamour Women Of The Year Awards and in the July issue of Glamour Magazine looking scrumptious.

Meow!


Purrrr!


Ding dong!


Swoon.

Pics courtesy of freemaagyeman.com

you can swim, but you can't hide...

Raging Sharks (2005)
Dir: Danny Lerner.
cast: Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel, Elise Muller, Corbin Bernsen, Binky Van Bilderbeek, some raging sharks.

Far out in deep space a cock headed alien and his crab-faced wife are arguing over directions to Waitrose or something, oblivious to the fact that another big spaceship is heading directly towards them. Suddenly the arguing couple are bought back to reality by a huge explosion (borrowed and superimposed from an old episode of Buck Rogers in The 25th Century by the look of it) as the craft collide in a mish-mash of slow mo Airfix glory and quality shaky cam. Luckily the mismatched pair manage to jettison what looks like a big wheelie bin into space before everything blows up.

The mysterious space bin comes crashing to Earth via the centre of a fishing boat (with more added on explosions and stock footage) much to the surprise of her Oscar quality crew, before coming to rest at the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle...

Beware the bin men.

Cut to five years later and we're aboard the Oshona deep sea lab where team leader the lank haired Dr. Mike Olsen (80's teeVee hunk and former Parker Lewis Can't Lose star Corin Nemec) is having a wee bit of a run in with his fellow researchers (one of whom is his wife) regarding the inadequate facilities and general state of the place (which is fair to be honest, looking as it does like it was made out of loo rolls and pipe cleaners by a blind Blue Peter presenter. With wooden hands).

Adding to his troubles is the fact that he and his aforementioned (and fish lipped) missis (Angel) are arguing over settling down and having babies and the general feeling that no one has a scooby as to what they're meant to be 'researching'.

The contents of my kitchen
drawer yesterday.

“We need results, people!” shouts Olsen at Vera, a particularly big chinned babe in pigtails (star of Hammerhead Sharkman and less charismatic Tara Reid lookalike Muller) as he leaves for the 'institute' to try to raise some cash (and probably wash his hair) whilst faceless extras 'Don' and 'Jake' head outside 'to fix the relay'. As you probably guessed the mismatched pair are munched by sharks (well, by sharks I mean a heady mix of scratchy shark stock footage, a shiny plastic shark nose and leftover CGI shark stuff from Shark Attack 3) within minutes of leaving the base, causing the crew to start screaming and shouting "Are you all right Don? Are you all right Jake?" for about half an hour, getting louder and snottier nosed every time.

"Is it Giro day?"

God knows how long it took this pair to get ready and then get eaten, but by the time we cut back to Olsen he's in a car driving around Boston whilst his bosses tell him about the Don and Jake incident on the phone and before you have time to catch your breath he's on a submarine commanded by the Dentist himself, Corbin Bernsen and heading back towards the base.

"Taxi for Schubert!"

Scarily, back at the Oshona, Vanessa Angel is still on the radio shouting "Are you all right Don? Are you all right Jake?" whilst watching bits of grue and wet suit float past the monitor screens so just to make sure they're dead she decides to head outside to take a look for herself. Within minutes she too is attacked by a shark but, partly thru' luck but mainly due to second billing in the title credits manages to stab it in the face and return to the base.

If the idea that the sharks seem to be hunting in packs (and growling) isn't enough to scare the shite out of the scientists then the fact that they decide to attack the power and life support cables connecting our merry band to the surface definitely is. All they can do is hope Olsen can reach them in time.

"Grrrraaarrrrr!!!!"

Meanwhile on the surface, the supply boat (that I forgot to mention, sorry) is having trouble of it's own; every time they send a diver down to repair the cables a shark eats them and things get worse when a coastguard plane arrives to help. It's attacked by an obviously raging shark causing one of it's crew to fall into the water and get gobbled up!

Down below tensions are rising, stoat faced, rubber mouthed Harvey (Van Bilderbeek) the chubby 'cockernee'/Scots guy/Welsh mechanic is being very cowardly and shouting about not wanting to die whilst Vera is complaining about not being married. Vanessa Angel is standing about pouting, trying to maintain calm whilst a cat faced woman and a bearded scientist hum and ahh a lot in the background.

"Cor bleedeen bliamany an' starn de
craws eet's ah rargeeng shoirk, boyo!"

On a sunny Bermudan beach a handful of holidaymakers are suddenly attacked by the sharks (this bares no relation to the rest of the movie and will not be returned to) in a frenzy of plastic snouts, rubber arms and cardboard fins whilst an offshore news crew find they've bitten off more than they can chew when one of the beasts appears to ram their boat and explode!

Yes, the effects are really this shit.

Somewhere else a doctor is performing an autopsy on a shark and is surprised to discover some bright orange crystals inside it's tummy. Could this be related to the outbreak of shark rage? (umm...yes).

Back aboard Corbin's sub, Dr. Olsen is determined to make it back to his wife but is having trouble with a scary 'government investigator' that has been assigned to him. Cue many "You're not following standard procedure" and "My wife is over there Goddamit!" confrontations as the pair swim over to the base. The investigator stops to take photo's and is almost eaten only to be saved by Olsen, tho' I've no idea why.

“Damn magnetic spikes!”

Everything is going to hell over at Oshona now that Vera has noticed the “Damn magnetic spikes!” on her computer screen and everyone has realised that 'the relay' is still broken. Vanessa is bugging Harvey to go repair it, using the argument that it's possibly a suicide mission so she doesn't want her hubbie to have to do the job.

Harvey, perfectly reasonably tells her where to go and storms off to get pissed whilst the other crew members tut at him for refusing to swim into certain death, leaving Olsen and some French guy (who's sons sixth birthday it is) to venture out in the mini-sub to the relay and put extra cash in the meter or something.

Can you guess who's going to die?

Frenchman in mah mooth!

Everything seems to be going to plan when sharks attack the sub and kill Frenchie, leaving Olsen no choice but to get Captain Bernsen to fire a torpedo at his location, hopefully killing the (raging) sharks but leaving him unscathed. Back on Oshona tho' things have gotten even worse (if that's at all possible) when government guy reveals himself to be a 'black ops' bad man with insider knowledge of the orange crystals and shark rage.
You see, it appears that the alien bin was carrying special space fuel and now that the sharks have eaten some of it their intelligence has shot thru' the roof causing them to work as a team to protect it at any cost! (and no, I didn't see that one coming).

His mission is to salvage the bin and kill anyone who knows about it (which no-one did till he told them).

Will Olsen survive the torpedo blast and get back to rescue his wife and kill the bad man? Will Captain Corbin stop sweating and drinking coffee? Will the sharks eat Harvey when he tries to escape in (another) mini-sub whilst singing 'Blow The Man Down'? and will logic (and physics) be thrown to the wind at the movies climax when the force of the base imploding throws the survivors clear of the wreckage and up to the surface?


Notorious big animal and stock footage obsessed filmmaker Danny (Shark Attack 1-3, Octopus 1-2, Spiders, Alien Hunter....basically all the hits) Lerner delivers a genre classic almost matching his masterpiece Shark Attack 3.

The scripts bizarro mix of aliens, mad sharks and special forces action is a fairly straightforward romp only spoiled by plot holes so large that as the film approaches its climax you begin to think that the whole thing is about to collapse around the casts ears but Learners bullish determination pulls the whole thing off with aplomb.

Paddington.

His choice of stock footage is almost as entertaining as the film itself; with cars and houses visible when the sea plane lands on the 'ocean' and deep sea shark attacks that show the creatures breaking thru' the waves to footage from his previous hits. Whilst it's nowhere near Raptor quality (famously cobbled together by Roger Corman from three existing films and re-employing key actors to reprise their roles) it does come close at some points.

Headfuck.

In his ten year career spanning over seventy (!) movies, Lerner appears to have learned nothing about film making except that all you need is action, a big monster, a (kinda) famous face and a few explosions to guarantee a hit.

And who are we to argue with him?

In equal measures arse numbingly awful and a work of utmost genius, this is the kinda movie the zed grade was made for.

dokutaa fuu

For your viewing pleasure, Doctor Who dubbed into Japanese.

"Omae wa shoukyou suru" is Japanese for "You will be deleted" by the way.

taking the michael.

Halloween (2007)
Dir: Rob Zombie.
Cast: Tyler Maine, Sir Malcolm McDowell, Dame Udo Kier, Sybil Danning, Danny Trejo, Sherri Moon Zombie, Brad Douriff, Scout Taylor-Compton, Danielle Harris, William Forsythe, Daeg Faerch, Richard Lynch and Lord Ken of Foree.

Haddonfield, Illinois, 31st October. Monster Mash is playing from an old radio in the Myer's kitchen. Nice but dim stripper mum (Zombie) is fixing breakfast whilst her wheelchair bound boyfriend Ronnie (Forsythe) shouts abuse at anyone who'll listen, between making lewd comments about his step-daughter Judith's arse that is. 

Long haired and pretty lipped Michael (Faerch) is the main target of his bullying, what with his predilection for killing his pets and wearing a crappy clown mask it's no wonder really. His mum tho' is too busy making baby Laurie wear hats indoors to notice (which for a baby that size is actually very dangerous).

Mmmmm....bop.

It's worse for Michael at school tho', not only is his headmaster the 'B' movie bad man Richard Lynch, but the school bully appears to be collecting flyers of his mum from the strip joint and talking about her 'titties' a lot whilst slapping Mike round the head. 

When the Lynch man tries to break it up Mike shouts "Fuck off" at him and legs it......uh oh.....could his day get any worse?

"Mah wean's no mental big yin!"

Principal Lynch invites mum Myers into his office, you see he has some worrying news regarding her son. It would appear that little Michael has taken to mutilating cats, taking photo's whilst doing it and keeping their corpses in his locker (as you do). 

Mum says it must be a mistake but it's too late as the head has already called in eminent child shrink Dr. Sam Loomis (McDowell in a stick on beard, Peter Davison-esque wig and acting like he's still doing coke) to help Michael with his little 'problems'.

Unfortunately for all involved, whilst this cosy chat is going on Michael is in the woods bludgeoning the school bully to death with a lump of 4 by 2 to John Carpenters original Halloween theme before returning home to get ready for some trick or treating fun.

Mum returns home to confront Michael about his 'hobby' but as soon as he tells her "I never done it, it was a bad boy done it and run away. I only said I'd done it but I never did". She says OK and heads off to work at the local strip joint, leaving dirty Judith and her arse splitting shorts to look after Mike whilst he's out asking for candy.

Sheri Moon Zombie:
eat a pie for fucks sake.

Mishearing her mum's request as "Leave Michael outside whilst you shag your greasy boyfriend" Judith proceeds to have 'the sex' with the aforementioned greaser (who bizarrely wants to 'do it' whilst wearing an exact copy of Michael Myers' mask from the original movie - post modern or what?) whilst Michael amuses himself by duct taping his drunk step dad to his wheelchair before beating him to death with a baseball bat.

Not content with just the two murders today, he then proceeds to stick a big knife in the boyfriend before attempting to touch up his sister (whilst cunningly disguised in a mask) then stab her too before chasing her around the house like wee Jimmy Krankie on crack.

"Ahm no climbing that
fookin' beanstalk again!"

Mum returns home from a hard nights gyrating to find her blood soaked son sitting on the doorstep cradling his baby sister and shouting "I've not murdered our family....it was a bad boy what done it..." and so on.

Laugh now!

Wee Michael (who has taken to wearing a variety of home made paper mache masks making him look like one of Slipknot) is soon locked up in the (surprisingly deserted) Smith's Grove Sanatorium under Loomis' supervision where he spends the next fifteen years denying he did anything (in between making masks and stabbing nurses with forks obviously) whilst Loomis looks on with a trouble expression.

Indicating this passage of time with Michael getting taller (and his hair going from blond to black and now being played by Tyler 'SaberTooth' Mayne ) whilst Loomis' hair gets shorter, the good Doctor decides that he should stop seeing Mike for various reasons (the main one being that he's not spoken for five years) and leaves but in a strange quirk of fate, this is the very night that the hospital decides to hire two pissed, redneck guards to work night duty. 

You can see where this is going can't you?

The pair decide to molest a female patient in front of Michael (in a totally gratuitous and offensive rape scene) then beat him with a stick and smash his masks when he doesn't respond. 

Of course the mask smashing sets him off so he kills the bad men and stomps out of the hospital towards Haddonfield in search of teenage babysitter and all round nice girl Laurie Strode (Taylor-Compton), a girl with whom Myers shares a special bond, stopping only to kill horror legend Ken Foree along the way.

McDowell hears Donald Pleasance
spinning in his grave.

And this is where the movie goes from so bad but (kinda) watchable for the cameo's to becoming a big incoherent mess....we've just spent the last fifty odd minutes learning about Michael's back ground and oh so terrible upbringing in arse numbing detail, but that leaves only another forty five minutes to actually tell the films main story; that of Myers' brutal rampage around his old home town that fateful Halloween night.

So how does Mr. Zombie get around this problem? Scarily by literally re-staging entire scenes from the original verbatim:

Laurie drops a key off at the old Myers house, watched by a scared Tommy?....Check!

Laurie, Annie and Lynda are chatting away during lunch break when Laurie sees Michael from the window?.....Check!

Laurie having to babysit Lindsay as well as Tommy so Annie can fool around with Paul?....check!

Michael killing Annie whilst wearing a sheet and Paul's specs?....Check!

Remember...piracy is a crime!

Zombie might have well of just stopped his movie and put the original on at this point rather than embarrass himself (and us) with almost xeroxed scenes and conversations from the original, just delivered in a less convincing way. 

It's like watching a bad fan production of Halloween where the director thinks that because everyone is named after characters we know and love that'll we'll care for them as much as we did the originals. 

Add to this the frightening amount of cult star cameos in the movie and it becomes more like a journey thru' a sad fan boys mind than a proper film (I will admit tho' it did feel it had been cast out of my subconscious at some points), and whilst it's good to see such luminaries as Ken Foree, Malcolm McDowell, Udo Kier, Sybil Danning, Danny Trejo, Brad Douriff and Richard Lynch together on the big screen in one movie, it's just a pity most of them have nothing to do but deliver a line then walk off.

Did Zombie (and Dimension Films) have such little faith in the project that they felt they had to fill it with so many crowd pleasing cameos just to entice the hardcore horror movie fans in?

Trick or treat?: definitely trick.

I'll freely admit that I've no idea if the last twenty minutes or so improved any, cos frankly I was so bored and embarrassed that I had to turn the thing off, which is a shame really, as Zombies first foray into film, House of 1000 Corpses is a genuinely great movie and came as such a surprise with it's no holds barred tribute to the 70's stalk n' slash genre that we all expected great things from him. 

His second feature The Devil's Rejects admittedly had some great moments, but the directors reliance on ill judged sexual violence and shots of his wifes arse began to creep to the fore, much the same as they do in Halloween.

If I was in this shit
I'd hide my face too.

To counter critics before the movie even began production, Zombie promised a terrifying look into the psyche of a killer in his version of Halloween, pity all he's delivered are the warmed up offcuts of a genre classic to be spoon fed to an apathetic teen audience that doesn't know any better but to go "Rob Zombie rocks dude!".
Which is a shame really.

Just stick to the original, I beg you.

pissed with paulin, lashed with lawson.

Just been sent the Late Review drinking game by certified Unwell reader Ali and thought I'd share, it's quite funny especially if you're one of the six people that actually tunes into Late Review.

Lawson: Smooth criminal.

For those of you who don't know/care, Late Review is a Thursday night Arts programme on BBC2. A panel of Arts 'critics' discuss plays, films, books, galleries etc, and hate everything (except Tony Parsons who just keeps shouting 'Viddy Well'), while presenter Mark Lawson slouches in his chair, looking like a slightly bemused (albeit sweater) version of Mother from The Avengers.

Obviously you'll need some booze.

Enjoy!



Germaine Greer, one of the best-known Feminists around, tells you she's a Feminist. "Well, as a Feminist I have to look at this a certain way" - One finger.

Greer: Sex criminal.

Tom Paulin doesn't like what he's reviewing. His expression goes from mortally offended, to deeply upset and about to cry, to viciously aggressive. He ends up shrieking in fury like Bagpuss on PCP at the artist in question. Who isn't even there - Two fingers at every stage of his decline.

Paulin: Suspicious minds.

Eko Eshun uses an incredibly long and convoluted sentence full of ridiculously pretentious words. He clearly has no idea what he's just said, nor do the other panelists - Try to repeat what he just said. Not easy even if you're sober.

Germaine Greer gives away the end of the film. "And the bit where it turns out the woman in The Crying Game is a man, oh please...." - A double measure of spirits, and tell the person next to you how you really feel about them.

Tony Parsons exaggerates his Cockney accent to come across as the Man of the People - Everyone say "'Allo Maaaary Poppins" and open a can of London Pride. Alternatively don a bowler hat and drink a White Russian whilst Humming Beethoven's ninth.

Parsons: Wicked game.

After the panel have spent ten minutes slagging something off, presenter Mark Lawson has to move them on. Looking slightly embarassed, he says "Well, I really liked it actually". - Finish your pint and scoff a packet of Rich Tea biscuits.

beyond our ken.

The Beyond (AKA L'Aldilà, And You Will Live in Terror: The Beyond, Seven Doors of Death 1981)
Dir: Lucio Fulci.
Cast: David Warbeck, Catriona MacColl, Cinzia Monreale, Al Cliver, Antoine Saint-John, Giovanni De Nava

Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world.

Louisiana 1927, Tuesday week, 19:38 hrs.

As the sun begins to set and the mists linger in the cool air, an angry group of torch-bearing, Italian looking villagers are sailing towards the Seven Doors Hotel where well-known 'ungodly warlock' (and painter) Mr. Schweik has been found to be residing.

When the villagers arrive they quickly make their way through the lobby (not even stopping to wipe their feet) and stride up the stairs to Room 36, busting down the door and dragging it's occupant (Saint-John) to the cellar (which is pretty clever seeing as Louisianan houses don't have cellars seeing as they're built below sea level).

"Aya! mah BCG!"

Punched and kicked to the floor, beaten with chains and crucified to the wall, the merry band decide to melt off his face as a final punishment for his badness (or his crap portrait skills). But unknown to them they've just happened to kill a warlock over one of the seven gates of Hell mentioned in the (New York Times bestseller. Probably) Book of Eibon.

Which is a bad thing.

Zoom forward to 1981, Liza Merril (MacColl) has recently inherited the old hotel from a deceased uncle and decides to move in, hoping for a change from her world of low grade Italian horror opposite Ian McCulloch and maybe a wee bit of financial security.

MacColl: Pensive but still sexy.

Hiring local hot shot Joe 'the plumber' (De Nava) and co. to begin renovations, it's only a matter of time before strange things start happening...A painter falls from the scaffolding after seeing a set of spooky eyes peering out at him and Joe is murdered when he 'accidentally' opens the doorway to Hell (as one would) only to return as a pasty faced zombie.

His resurrection in the local hospital is just the beginning of a series of bizarre (and annoyingly unexplained) events; a really ugly (by ugly I mean bad enough to make a horse sick) ginger school girl accidentally spills acid on her mothers face and (most upsetting) a librarian falls off his ladder and is attacked by toilet roll spiders in a scene so long winded you actually forget what film you're watching.

"Aye son...ave got sum shite in mah mooth".

If all this spookyness wasn't enough to make Liza think of selling up, the body of the melted faced painter is found upstairs, crucified to the bathroom wall in room 36 (how he managed to drag himself from the cellar and re-crucify himself in his room is never explained-pity really as there's a whole film in that puzzle alone). More and more visions (including those of a mysterious blind girl with a dog) and deaths occur before Liza turns to hunky Dr. John McCabe (Warbeck) for help.

Relax girls, he's a homosexual (and dead).

McCabe, obviously gagging for a bit of top British totty like Macoll after being stuck in Italy for so many years jumps at the chance to be of assistance and, if that wasn't enough, the scarily sexy blind girl, Emily (Monreale) with the bizarre past (and a dress like your Grannies) actually appears to warn of the dangers of Eibon.

Aye hen!

Just as Warbeck starts rubbing his (sweaty) hands together with glee at the thought of all these hot babes chucking himself at him Emily reveals that she is in league with the denizens of Hell....

"I won't go back" She pleads to an unseen presence "I've done as I was asked...."

Just before her throat is ripped out by her drooling mutt.

Trapped in a world being slowly enveloped by Hell itself our heroes head to the (relative) safety of the hospital (if full of zombies counts as safe I guess) armed only with a cap gun and a copy of Eibon John and Liza are the only ones left who can save the whole of creation being dragged to THE BEYOND......

But is it too little too late?

Joe the plumber: leatherier than
Sean Connery's balls. Yesch.

A semi-remake/reworking of his earlier City of The Living Dead, continuing that movies use of surreal themes and bizarre imagery but with vastly superior direction, acting, effects and a fantastic score from Fabio Frizzi, The Beyond is by far the definitive Fulci movie.

Sure Dardano Sacchetti's script is a wee bit clunky, there are obvious gaffes with regards to where the film was shot (Italy) and where it's set (the good ol' USA) most notably being the hospitals 'Do Not Enrty' warning sign plus the spiders look like they'd be rejected by a joke shop for being rubbish but Fulci oversees the proceedings with so much conviction that it's impossible not to get completely drawn into this tale of a world gone mad.

"I'm having a making moment!"

The movie is well served by it's lead actors, horror veterans Catriona MacColl and especially the late, great David (I was almost Bond) Warbeck, who gives a particularly performance as the city doctor trapped in a living nightmare he can barely understand. Watching the movie again you can see the hardly contain glee in his eyes and scenes that Fulci obviously missed in editing (Warbeck loading his gun thru' the barrel whilst MacColl looks on, stifling a laugh) show how much fun the actor must have had on set.

Dempsey and Makepeace: Euro-style.

Catriona MacColl is as dependable as ever, effortlessly going from cool and aloof to shot to fuck without so much as a bat of her eyelids, coming across as a posh country librarian stuck in an Am Dram production that she has no intention of understanding but freely admits to enjoying the free drink afterwards. It's a pity that she never got to team up with Tisa Farrow at some point, I can just imagine the pair mud wrestling in skimpy bikini's for Ian McCulloch's attention whilst baying zombies looked on from behind razor wire as Al Cliver, clad only in a toga danced a merry jig.....or maybe that's just me.

Can you see the dog? She can't.

Kudos also to the enigmatic Cinzia (I was a corpse in Buio Omega) Monreale as the milky eyed dog fancier (and sensible shoed agent of Hell) Emily. As a kid I found her the most terrifying thing in the movie and would gaze at the colour pic of her in Starburst for hours trying to exorcise my demons....luckily as an adult you begin to appreciate the need for tall, plainly dressed, flat heeled and blind spooky ladies from beyond in horror films and it's a travesty that there aren't more of them.

Italian effects maestro Germano (Profondo Rosso) Natali provides the expected scenes of blood and mayhem, complementing Fulci's then obsession with the eye as a window to the soul with popping, squeezing and poking as many on screen as possible. Pity his (aforementioned) spiders were shite tho.

It has to be said that the true make-up genius on the movie was whoever decided to get local homeless drunks to play the naked, undead inhabitants of 'the beyond' for the films frankly bonkers finale. Knowing that these derelict damned for all eternity shadows of men are being portrayed by old, piss stained jakeys, fortified by cheap wine and the promise of a pizza brings a smile to my face every time.

"Can you smell cabbage?"

What more can I say?, go out and buy it now (or buy two, one for you and one for a friend).