beyond the cupboard (part 2).

Was just looking for Rollie's winter hat in our scary cupboard when I came across this:

Admit it, you would (but you'd probably be thinking of her sister).

what we should all a-spire to.

Often ignored or seen as a bizarre footnote in the history of sequential art, the 'graphic autobiographies' of Christian 'personalities' published by Spire Comics in the 70's have fast become collectors items.

Cash: cooler than Jesus.

Spire, better known for publishing Al Hartley's religious issues of Archie and Jack Chick's rant filled right wing Christian propaganda for kids) began this series in early 1974 and amongst the celebrities featured were Johnny Cash, concentration camp survivor Corrie ten Boom and Maria Hirschmann, 'the girl who loved the swastika'.

Pigtails, librarian outfit and
jackboots: my kinda girl.

Hirschmann's story, 'Hansi' is the tale of a good Aryan girl from Sudetenland and her experiences as the Nazi party. She is given a free education and a new purpose in life, soon becoming a fully fledged party member.

Unfortunately for her she is sent to an East German labour camp upon Hitler's defeat where the evil Russian soldiers continuously rape and torture the women prisoners as evil communists are want to do.

Hansi doesn’t get raped tho' because the Ruskies find her 'too skinny' and manages to use her master race charms to bribe a ferryman to take her to West Germany.

All that is, except Gil Gerard.

"But the Yankies are all bubble-gum chewing gangsters” her friend warns her, but she decides that that seems a better deal than the sub human red sex offenders she's having to deal with at the moment.

She finally makes it to the American camp only to be accosted by a young solider chewing bubble-gum, Hansi is scared of what he might do, but the soldier gently explains that American GI's don't rape women and he'd be happy to help her start a new life in the good ol' US of A.

Uncle Sam welcomes her with open arms and before long she's working as an elementary school teacher and married to her long lost U-Boat captain boyfriend from the Fatherland (and no, I'm not making this up, he survived his sub being torpedoed and traced her from Switzerland where he was hiding, I mean living) and, although life is good (compared to say, that of the millions of Jews she stood back at watch being exterminated) she stills feels something is missing (what? remorse?, conscience?).

She begins to notice how the evil hippie culture seems to despise this great nation that has given her sanctuary, how none of them take pride in its abundant food supplies, saving accounts and military might. Hansi is becoming more and more disillusioned till one day she leads a class of children in the pledge of allegiance.

Confused by her love for Germany and he love for her adopted home, it's only when she hears the children saying in unison "one nation under God" that her mind clears:

"Those words make all the difference! It's all right to love what God has blessed!" and at that moment Hansi commits fully to her love for Jesus and America.

Cash-tastic.

In addition to publishing these Christian memoirs, Spire also published re-imaginings of biblical stories in a modern setting as well as stories like The Crusaders. Published in 1974 it tells of a pair of Persuaders-like missionaries, one black and one white who appear to like nothing more than to strip off in front of each other in between battling Hollywood, musical theatre and evil devil worshiping peace protesters (trust me, read the panels below)..

You see the peace symbol is actually a broken cross and is a cover for their satanic rituals.

You learn something new everyday.

Covering everything from Adam and Eve (two young lovers looking after a farm in upstate New York eat the apples from the farmers 'forbidden tree'. They are 'cast out' to downstate New York where they experience first hand the folly of their ways) and drug addiction, mainstay artist Al Hartley did a workman-like job on these warnings to the young.

Fuck the paperbacks, hide the porn!
It's God's Smuggler!

At 22 pages per story there was little room for subtlety (or decent story telling) but such bizarre sights as Joseph and his brightly coloured sports jacket and the adventures of God's Smuggler will remain etched onto your brain long after the last page has been read.

It'd be a miracle if you didn't get a kicking in that coat.

Whilst not as hard to come by as the 1943 M.C. Gaines (later of EC comics fame) published Picture Stories from The Bible: Creation to Judah Maccabee (reprinted as a softback edition by KTAV Publishing House in 1971), these titles are great reminders of the halcyon days of Christian comics.

cinema's forgotten legends (part 12).

She was the completely naked, scarily large breasted, kissy lipped 'space vampire' alongside Mick Jaggers brother and the guy that played Sgt. Streetwise in the Eagle photo stories in the Tobe Hooper classic Lifeforce and a sexy lady with a Louise Brooks bob in Naked Tango...but whatever happened to French fancy Mathilda May?

The librarian like May. Yum.

Karima Mathilda Haim (measurements: 35C-25-35) was born on 8th February 1965 in Paris (France in Europe for any Americans reading), daughter of French playwright Victor Haim and a prima ballerina, she started her career in 'the arts' early, Winning the "Premier Prix du Conservatoire de Danse de Paris" (whatever that is) at the tender age of 16. Working primarily for the French 'arthouse' market (meaning she gets her kit off a lot), she's best known outside her native country for the aforementioned Lifeforce, Becoming Colette and the snigger-rificly titled The Tit and The Moon.

scrumptious.

Not content with being a fantastically gifted actress, May has also lent her vocal talents to top space computer game Privateer 2: The Darkening alongside Clive Owen, Jurgen Prochnow and Christoper 'Walken' and, in 1994 released a funky disco 'record', still finding the time to get married three times and have raise two kids.

French.

She's still acting with a couple of new projects slated for a 2008 release, but to her fans tho, she will always be remembered for Lifeforce.

For those unlucky enough to have never seen it, the plot goes something like this.....

The crew of the space shuttle Churchill, led by the ever so wooden Colonel Carlsen ('Steve' Railsback) has been sent to investigate an object discovered in the centre of Halley's Comet.

On arrival the crew are shocked to find a huge space ship containing hundreds of fossilized giant bats and three nude people inside big crystal blocks. They decide to take all three back to Earth with them.....bad move.

The worlds sexiest Xmas tree decorations.

Losing contact with the Churchill a rescue team is sent to rendezvous with the stricken shuttle. On docking they discover the charred remains of the crew and a destroyed ship, all that remains are the perfectly preserved space nudes.

The rescue team return to mission control with their erotic looking cargo.

That's why the lady is a (space) vamp!

The scientist team (led by silver fox Frank Finlay), are utterly confused (and probably distracted by the amount of flesh on show) by the nature of these beings and decide to keep them locked up in a warehouse. All is well till late one night, a chubby, basin headed security guard feels an uncontrollable urge to enter the room in which the nude space lady is being held.

He touches her on the shoulder, and she awakens. Standing in all her Euro-nude glory she approaches the guard and begins to suck the 'lifeforce' out of him with a killer kiss.

You would, she may.

She explosively escapes from the warehouse, leaving a trail of snogged to death corpses behind her......But that's not all, Frank discovers that within two hours of death the corpses return to 'life' hungry for kisses....the government have no choice but to bring in top Brit sex God (and star of Spooks) Peter Firth as the pube haired Colonel Caine of the SAS to track her down before London (or maybe even the world) is awash with re-animated sex starved zombies.

May today...still frisky at (nearly) fifty.

a magic touch.

For your enjoyment, Magical mistress of the dark arts Debbie McGee's Video Showreel.

it's a plug!

boom boom.

Mad Foxes (AKA Mad Foxes: Stingray 2, 1981)
Dir: Paul Grau.
Cast: Robert O'Neal, Laura Premica, Siggy Helm, Sally Sullivan, Peter John Saunders and Hank Sutter.

"Hey Stiletto, give her a good screw!"

Back in late 1984 when the infamous video nasties bill was tightening it's grip on the outlying regions and border systems, enterprising schoolboys with Saturday jobs in video shops spent every waking hour procuring said nasties from shop managers for a pound each, only to sell them on to friends and acquaintances for up to a tenner at time.

One such film was Mad Foxes, to a fourteen year old boy an exciting mix of vigilante action, Nazi's, murder, motorbikes and, as my school chum Jamie Bridle put it "A couple shagging in the bath!".

To an adult revisiting it however you realize that it's actually one of the most disturbingly insane, atrociously made, politically incorrect movies of all time.

Yes, it's that good.

The plot is as simple (minded) as it is brilliant, Hal (O'Neal from Zombie Creeping Flesh and your mums bedroom) and his cutsey girlfriend are sitting at a red light minding their own business (they're in a car by the way, I mean they're not just sitting by the side of the road on a pile of coats) when an old bald man and his geriatric motorcycle gang pull up and start 'hassling' them.

Unimpressed by the cut of their jib (tho' impressed by the finely ironed creases in their trousers) Hal drives off giving the bikers an excuse to give chase.

Ain't that always the way?

Unfortunately one of the gang is killed in the high speed road rage that follows when he crashes his bike into a parked Fiat Uno (oh the embarrassment).

Acting as if things like this happen to them all the time Hal and his hot chick ignore his cries for help and drive off to a discotheque to frug the night away.

"So....you fancy a wee bit of mooth shite-in sexy lady?"

Cue twenty minutes of dad dancing and bouncy unbridled late 70s boobs all cut to a hellishly inappropriate - and scarily unfashionable especially for 1981 - disco score.

So far so Saturday Night Fever

Albeit set in Blackpool.

Leaving the club high on love and cheap poppers Hal is surprised to find the biker gang lying in wait and before you can say 'funky moped' hunky Hal is  knocked unconscious by a bald bad man whilst the evil gang fiddle with his girlfriend.

Ouch.

What your girlfriend was really up to when she said she was studying with friends.

Luckily Hank is a member of an all male nude Kung Fu club (which isn't in any way remotely homo-erotic, no sir) and calls on them to help him plan his revenge.

The group decide to gatecrash the bikers funeral, getting  oriental on the gangs arses before cutting off the bald gang leaders penis and popping it in his mouth.

This isn't going to end well is it?.

Battered, bruised and bashfully bummed the remaining bikers (led by a new fully cocked bad man named Terry Stiletto) turn up at the Kung Fu school, throw a grenade into the classroom and start machine gunning the students.


And if this wasn't enough payback they torture the class teacher in order to gain Hanks address before stabbing the poor guy to death.


Which for this movie is a pretty boring way to go.

Your dads cum face. Trust me I've seen it often enough.

Turning up at Hanks pad the gang kick down the door and start smashing stuff - including his priceless collection of Sylvanian Family china figurines - which although is pretty mean does give Hank enough time to jump out of the window and into his souped up Stingray (the car, not the submarine) to make his escape.

Unfortunately the gang are in hot pursuit.

I'd like to add that at this point that all this happens within the first thirty five minutes of the movie.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Driving along to his mum and dads house, Hal takes a break from all this revenge to pick up a foxy, button nosed female hitch-hiker named Lilly before stopping in a field to have some 70s style sex with her.

Wiping his cock on her rucksack the pair continue on to his folks luxurious mansion they proceed to have even more of the sex in the bath  - Jamie was right; you can see her bush and everything - before going out for a leisurely stroll.

THE greatest movie scene ever...if you were 14 and from Sedgley obviously.

But while Hal and Lilly are out enjoying the scenery, yup you guessed it the bikers turn up at the house, killing the gardener with his own hedge trimmers, shooting the cook in the arse and machine gunning Hank's dad before shooting Hanks wheelchair-bound mum in the face.

They then gut the maid and fiddle with her intestines before leaving.

Which is nice.


Hal returns (after more sex) to find everybody dead and solemnly vows even more revenge.

"Put it in me!"

With only 20 minutes of the films running time left Hank hunts down the gang one by one, slaughtering them like dogs until only Stiletto is left.


Stiletto is wise to Hanks plan tho' and has set and elaborate booby trap to stop our hero.


Confident and (maybe a little too) cocky, Stiletto retires to the lavatory for a pooh and a quick read of exchange and mart only for Hank to pop in thru' the window and drop a grenade down the pan.

The camera holds a close-up of Stiletto's penis for an uncomfortably long time before it - and the bathroom - explodes.

Hal drives home, all revenged out and ready for some celebratory sex with Lilly only to find the castrated old bald man sitting on his bed holding a home made bomb.....

What can you say about Mad Foxes that hasn't been said at least a hundred (well eight) times before?

It's badly constructed, poorly dubbed and inanely plotted with an ending left open for a sequel that unfortunately never materialized.

And by left open I mean there isn't one, bomb goes off....that's it.

The overload of violence, nudity and general sleaziness means that by 20 minutes into the movie your brain has melted and is oozing out of your ears....filled with bloodshed, explosions and more cock that you can shake a stick at, Mad Foxes is a truly unique experience.

Oh, and Jamie was right, it is a really good bath shag scene.

just say no.

You may have noticed dear reader that I've not been blogging as much of late, partly due to being in the middle of organising a huge multi-media (well music and visuals which is kinda multi I guess) Halloween event, fighting my 15 month old podling Cassidy for control of the computer and working my way thru a ton of top quality movie files that have appeared in our house of late.

Among the various Japanasty tentacle porn, Eurosleaze and Blaxploitation epics (why do people send me this stuff?) were some top drawer public information movies that I just have to share with you, plus possibly the most offensive film trailer I have ever seen.

But more on that later.

First let me introduce you to Boys Beware, a film produced in 1961 by Sid Davis and The Inglewood Police Department to warn young boys about the dangers of 'the mentally ill and twisted' homosexual child molester (homosexuals, according to this film are all pedophiles, sick and diseased and sexually aggressive...which is nice).

A filthy homosexual pedophile yesterday.

The friendly police officer explains many of the techniques these sexual predators may use on young boys such as praise, companionship, money, presents and becoming 'over personal' to win over a child's trust before buggering, murdering or buggering and then murdering them.

"Fancy a ride in my car son?"

"No...but I will suck you off for a tenner".

If that wasn't the strangest public information film ever then Disney's 'The Story of Menstruation' might just be. Originally delivered to the International Cellu-Cotton Company on October 18, 1946. It runs approximately ten minutes and it's been estimated that the film has been seen by approximately ninety-three million American women (tho possibly not all at once).

Exactly what it says on the tin.

Narrated by a very serious old lady The Story of Menstruation explains, umm, menstruation using animated diagrams and weird female characters with HUGE Mekon and big rictus grins (except for ones with cramps obviously) doing housework, riding horses and taking showers. Phew! I didn't think you could do any of these things during your period I thought you melted!

Phwoooaaarrr!!!

Advice given to menstruating ladies includes: "Try not to throw yourself off schedule by getting overtired, emotionally upset, or by catching cold!" and "It's smart to keep looking smart!"

Right on!

On the subject of periods I came across (not literally....well, not all of them) a fantastic compilation series with the catchy name of Nachten van de Wansmaak t'other day. It's a collection of forgotten (and should be forgotten) trailers and short films (ripe for my bizarro 'celluloid deconstruction' experiments).

Imagine my shock (and horror) when buried among the Zombi Holocausts and Last Cannibals I find the beautiful whirlwind of art terrorism that is:

All Women Have Periods.

This frankly disturbing 1979 documentary explores (in true Dogma style) the mystery and wonder of where periods come from.

And just where is that?

As the creepy mom puts it "blood from inside of my body comes outside from an opening in between my legs".

And that's all the information given.

"It's a letter from the judge...
you're frying tonight".

The rest of the films (mercifully) short running time is taken up by stark shots of the mom sitting in a door less bathroom chanting the mantra "Blue on one side, white on the other" whilst showing her skeleton headed daughter (in clinical close-up) how to use a sanitary towel.

"You'll never get yer hands
on me lucky charms!"

I can safely say that this is the only film that has ever given me sleepless nights. I'm in a cold sweat even typing about it.....Anyway, needing something to calm my nerves I skipped thru the disc to see what other pleasures it had in store for me....

After an evening of predatory older men and sanitary products my mind was ill prepared for the full five and a half minute European trailer for Lee Frost's 1969 'classic' Love Camp 7.

The movie (one of the original 74 video nasties in the UK and consequently banned outright) tells the 'true' story of a Nazi "Love Camp" that services the needs of front line officers. Two young WAC officers go undercover as POW's in the prison camp hoping to get some information from a scientist that's being held there, before being sprung out by the (porn moustached) French resistance.

Reg Varney: the Nazi years.

Unfortunately, as is the case in many of these movies things go wrong with the break out and they end up being subjected to the same indignities as the other inmates.

You can guess the rest.

The producer takes pride in announcing that the film is based on 'documented evidence' and was shot on location in an 'actual Nazi love camp', he even goes so far as to appear in the movie as the evil camp commandant, which says it all really.

When the film was eventually re-submitted to the BBFC in 2002 it was refused a certificate with the statement - 'The whole purpose of the work is to invite male viewers to relish the spectacle of naked women being humiliated for their titillation'.

Tall woman or long light bulb?

It's good to know that after all my years of "slowly crawling through the sewers of cinematic discharge" as my good friend Paul Daniels put it, that I at least have some semblance of good taste left, plus it puts the recent complaints against my animated Gerry Anderson inspired short, Planet of The Space Whores into perspective.