Arena Of The Unwell

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Saturday, January 3, 2009

smith's crisp.

Big chinned, floppy haired unknown Matt Smith has been named as the actor who will be clawing the key to the TARDIS from David Tennant's still warm hands next year to cries of "Who the fuck is he?" from a concerned viewing public.

Noel Fielding IS The Doctor!
Who'd have thunk it?

Smith, 14, has already built up an impressive CV on stage, on his paper round and the small screen (well that really depends on the size of your telly doesn't it?) including BBC Two's critically acclaimed yet mostly unwatched political drama Party Animals in which he played a parliamentary researcher who wore glasses similar to Tennant's in Doctor Who, the hit comedy The Mighty Boosh and opposite the fish-lipped, Jew baiting ex Doctor Who star Billie Hartnell in the 2006 adaptation of Philip Pullman's The Ruby and the Wax, which starred Billie as Sammy Hagar.

Billie: One day he will come back.

He later reprised his role as Jim's tailor - the dog bodied roadie sidekick to Sir Hank Marvin - in The Shadow's Oop North (2007).

The actor's stage work has included stints selling ice cream at London's Royal Court and in the bar at the National Theatre.

Smith: (Time) lordy lordy!

Born to a family of Romanian travelling minstrels in 1998, Smith originally planned to be either a train driver, astronaut, superhero or a famous footballer, playing for the Leicester City and Nottingham Forest youth academies, a serious injury sustained whilst saving a young mother from a rampaging bull in Bloxwich town centre scuppered his sporting dreams and, after seeing Timmy Mallett in panto as Buttons decided to give 'this acting lark' a shot.

In an exclusive shot from the new series,
Smith is seen battling the dreaded Sontarans.

His work cleaning out the ashtrays at the National Youth Theatre got him both an agent and his first professional job before graduation, appearing in the violently titled Fresh Kills at the Royal Food Court, Ipswich in 2004, before joining the cast of On the Shore of the Wide World for a drink in the theatre bar.

It was here that he demonstrated his unique ability to balance 12 beer mats on his chin, a skill which won him the role of Torchwood in Lennie Bennett's The History Boys.

His West End debut in Swimming With Sharks, opposite ex Supergirl Christian Slater and some sharks (obviously) before appearing alongside the saucy star of Rome Lindsay (mother of Blue Peter presenter Peter) Duncan in That Face of Boe to critical acclaim at London's Duke of York's Theatre.

Slater: Menswear.

Current Doctor and star of Top Gear, sexy Scotsman David Tennant, 27, has said Smith's "life is about to change in so many ways, what with puberty approaching" and Doctor Who Godhead Steven Moffatt, who was kind enough to speak exclusively to me on the phone earlier had this to add.

Duncan: experienced.

"Aye son, we had a wee shuftie thru' loads o' famous actors an' stuff but it made sense to cast wee Matt. I mean that bastard Tennant costs a bomb noo he's famous but wid the new fella bein' under 16 we can pay him what we like....as long as he's got The Beano and a Mars bar he's happy. You ken?"

Moffat and Tennant just before the
Scots superstar was pushed.

"The only problem we've got is with him being a wean we cannae do night shoots on a school night seein' as his mam wants him tucked up in bed before 9. Noo get to fuck before I set aboot ya!"

More news as it comes in but until then, welcome aboard Noel!*

*Be aware that this is a joke and I'm really looking forward to it!