fish lips.

Who knew that there were so many great shark movies?

And who is gonna break first?

Me or girl-child 2?

Super Shark (2011).
Dir: Fred Olen Ray. 
Cast: John Schneider, Sarah Lieving, Tim Abell, Rya Meyers, Jerry Lacy, Jimmie “J.J.” Walker and a (super) shark.

That's one big ass shark!

Before we begin good and proper I'd just like to point out for any newbies that for those of us that actually like this genre it's the norm in modern monster shark based movies that the creatures appearance is usually always due to a pesky offshore drilling accident that the titular beast is released/awoken/reanimated.

The unique thing this time is that the entire operation appears to have been constructed out of Lego in someones bath.

Which kinda adds to the movies (wet) dream-like quality I guess.

Anyway there's no time to guffaw over the visual effects as we're suddenly hurtled into the plot good and proper were a couple of expendable wet-suited lobster lovers are busy taking photo's of their fave animal whilst a silicon enhanced woman rubs chip fat onto her stomach and lies about on deck.

Unfortunately we have little time to get to know these obviously important characters as mere seconds after the appearance of those frankly terrifying breasts the aforementioned super shark has scoffed the divers and eaten the poor damsel too.

He's that kinda fish.

"Hey! Ya got tits an' tonsils? Well yer hired!"

Enter (but not roughly from behind obviously) marine biologist Katherine 'Kat' Carmichael (fish lipped Lieving from that other creature classic Monster) a sharp suited ex- FBI (Fish Bureau of Investigation) agent ready to kick some pollution based arse, especially if the arse belongs to the luxuriously haired head of the oil company Mr. Roger Wade (ex Duke of Hazzard and current low budget beast botherer Schneider), whom she blames for some stuff.

John....raise your hand from under the desk very slowly....

Meanwhile back at the beach, hunky surfer type Jeff Sexington has returned home from college for the summer to take up the position of studly lifeguard alongside his ex-girlfriend Edna and the bookish ginger princess Calli (Meyers, the only memorable one of the three. Can you tell?).

it looks like it's gonna be love triangles ahoy tho' seeing as Calli loves Jeff but Jeff still has feelings for Edna with it all coming to a head at superstar DJ Dynamite Stevens (Jimmie “J.J.” Walker, no me neither) Ms. Wet T-Shirt night.

Really, I shit you not.

Rya Meyers reaction to this review.

Luckily everyone involved is eaten the next day leaving the script free to concentrate on the up till now useless Ms. Carmichael and her newly discovered sidekick and comedy sea captain, Skipper Chuck (the thinking woman's Jason London, Abell here seen channeling Kurt Russell's glorious Captain Ron by way of a drunken uncle) and their attempts to find then kill the shark.

But don't worry, there are plenty more unnecessary breast shots to go before then.

Plus the shark has still to fight a kiddies toy submarine and pluck a fighter jet from the sky before it's secret is revealed...

Yup, the frighteningly fake fucker can use it's fins to walk on land.

No, really.

Well I guess that does make it a kinda super shark.

Plus it makes a better title than CG-ed Shark Shite Fest I guess.

"Do you need any scissors sharpening?"

Don't get too scared tho'  dear readers for as luck would have it the dear old US army have a secret weapon for just such an emergency.

A walking tank.

That's all you need to know really.

I don't have the words.

God bless director, producer, screenwriter, actor, cinematographer and sometime wrestler Fred Olen Ray who after such an auspicious start in the business way back in 1971 with the frankly fantastic Demented Death Farm Massacre has given us such delights as Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, the Buster Crabbe starrer The Alien Dead and Evil Toons amongst others too many (and sometimes just too awful) to mention.

It's good to know that after nearly 600 years in the business he can still be relied on to deliver the goods.

Even if in this case the goods are a large plastic looking fish fighting a dog in an cut price AT-AT suit whilst a crack commando unit of three look on.

"Shite in mah big fish mooth!"

Obviously realizing he couldn't attract the fantastic Brooke Hogan back to the monster genre, Ray decided (wisely) to cut back on characterization and memorable dialogue and concentrate solely a motley collection bikini babes of various sizes and shapes either dancing to shit R and B, strutting their stuff on the sand like lobotomized Barbies or getting eaten by the shark.

Obviously the thinking behind this is that no red blooded male could fail to enjoy 80 odd minutes of 'gorgeous' girls in bikinis plus a big monster, which would be true if one of those bikini clad beauties was Unwell fave and monster fighter extraordinaire Corinne Nobili, who showed us how a bikini should be worn in the 2012 classic Two Headed Shark Attack.

Which bizarrely enough was directed by Fred's son Christopher.

I'm getting a headache just thinking about it so here's a nice picture of Ms. Nobili to finish with.

Any excuse for a photo of Corinne Nobili.

I forgot to mention if it's worth the rental didn't I?

Well if you've made it this far I think you know the answer.

love crazy.

We're almost at the end of the school hols and a mixture of daytrips and dance performances mean that the podlings are all knackered and lying on the floor is crying heaps begging for a lazy day with a good movie.

Whilst rummaging thru the piles of quality cinematic fayre on display young master Cassidy came across this boxset I got for Christmas about 15 years ago and excitedly handed it over.

Anyone who owns this magnificent boxset will already know that it features some of the greatest films ever made including Women's Camp 119, Tortured Angels, Raw Force, Savage Man/Savage Beast, Confessions of a Police Captain,  Executioner 2, Poseidon Explosion, Earthquake 7.9, Violent Professionals, Frank and Tony, Kung Fu Punch of Death, Return of the Tiger, Go Kill and Come Back,  Bounty Man, Three Tough Guys, Mandinga, The Children, Demon With Child,  High School Hitch Hikers and Carry On Emannuelle.

You'll never guess which one he chose.

Carry On Emmannuelle (1978).
Dir: Gerald Thomas.
Cast: Kenneth Williams, Suzanne Danielle, Kenneth Connor, Joan Sims, Howard Nelson, Dino Shafeek, Jack Douglas, Peter Butterworth, Larry Dann, Beryl Reid and Henry McGee.

Gordon Bennett, they're having a phonographic orgy!

High in the skies aboard (a children's toy) Concorde, Emmannuelle Prevert (Sultry 70s sex symbol Danielle who older readers may recognise as appearing in everything from Flash Gordon, Doctor Who, Cannon and Ball's comedy classic The Boys in Blue and even, ulp, The Jim Davidson Show as well as your dads bed probably) is on her way home to London (England, or as our American readers call it “UK”...or “United Kingdom” or Great Britain....ask your President) to be reunited with her husband, the French Ambassador Emile (Williams obviously suffering with severe depression - or piles tho' it's probably both).

Bored and frisky (no doubt brought on by the Funky Kenny Lynch disco tune playing over the titles) she inadvertently gives the co-pilot a hard on before dragging bespectacled wimp Theodore Valentine (The Bill's Sgt. Peters himself Dann) off to the toilets for a quick comedy shag that results in Concorde's nose standing up like an erect penis.

Oh.

My.

Sides.

Landing at Heathrow and, after some oh so amusing - and in no way racist - banter with an Indian customs man (the late, great Dino Shafeek from such comedy greats as It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Mind Your Language) she's driven to the Ambassadorial Residence by crusty old Leyland the Chauffeur (Former contributor to the hit LP Parade of Disney Hits and father of the mother of resistance leader Sarah, Connor) where she's greeted by the surviving members of the Carry On team that were too skint to turn the movie down; Lyons the Butler (Douglas), Mrs Dangle the Housekeeper (Sims, another Doctor Who guest star and creator of the hit video game) and Richmond (The Meddling Monk himself, Peter Butterworth).

Do you think we can get on with the plot now seeing as most of the cast look like they might keel over dead at any minute?

Kenneth Williams, up the casino, Wigan, 1978.

Well, it seems that Emmannuelle and her hubbie haven't been able to have 'the sex' since he landed on a church spire whilst out parachuting, which begs the question what were they getting up to before that?

Surely it wasn't solely a bit of rough anal?

Anyway, whilst we ponder that question Theodore has arrived back at the home he shares with his overbearing mother (Reid - how many ex Who actors are in this?) and deciding that he's in love with Emmannuelle he vows to win her heart.

Bless.

Bored with sitting in a room of walking corpses, Emmannuelle gets Leyland to take her on a riotous comedy tour of famous London landmarks (via the magic of back screen projection) where she hilariously fails to arouse a guard at St James' Palace. Not because of his harsh military training tho' but because he's a gay!

Har de fucking har.

"You fancy a wee bit o' mooth shite-in solder?"

Can the comedy get any better?

Well, funny you should ask that because later that evening at the Ambassador's reception an amusing misunderstanding occurs when Emmannuelle, after having a serious chat about a possible assassination attempt on her husband's life with the local Police Chief, decides to search everyone in attendance for concealed weapons.

By that I mean she starts touching the male guests genitalia under the tables.

Hilarity does indeed ensue.

She's awoken the next morning by a delivery of flowers from the lovestruck Theodore (and a really aching hand probably), whom she has completely forgotten.

Bitch.

Heading downstairs she decides to have breakfast with the servants whom she persuades to talk about their sexy secrets whilst scoffing crumpets and lukewarm tea.

Yup, it's a chance to see the by now decrepit Carry On team indulging is sexual shenanigans involving everything from second world war action (and nuns), a seedy bedsit (and a fat lady), a visit to the Zoo (with a randy monkey rapist - not as good as it sounds) and a laundrette.

On the big screen.

In colour.

You lucky people.

Emmannuelle, enjoying the thought of Joan Simms being fisted by a tramp (and who wouldn't?) shares the sad tale of her husbands ruptured arse with the staff to much merriment and forced laughter.

Donald and Melania: The Govan years.

Theodore in the meantime has decided to visit Emmannuelle at home to declare his love for her but with her being a typical woman she confesses that he was just a quick shag and has no interest in seeing him again.

Theodore leaves in tears whilst our slutty heroine heads upstairs to watch her hubbie working out with teevee muscle man Harry Hernia (ex-champion bodybuilder turned skin flick actor Nelson).

Impressed by his massive, muscular manbreasts breasts, she decides to go and visit Harry at home for some (more) sex but unknown to Emmannuelle, Theodore is now stalking her, camera in hand and Pot Noodle and tissues in pocket.

Could the movie suddenly turn into a British sex comedy version of Black Christmas?

Erm....no.

Tho' by this point I'd quite happily stab some fucker in the face.

Someone with a great set of
bristols and Suzanne Danielle obviously.

After all this guilt free 70s sex you'd think the characters would be ready for a nice cuppa and a snooze but no as it's time for Emile and Emmannuelle to attend a premiere league football match where the Ambassador is due to present a cup to the winning team for most points goaled.

You can tell I know about the football can't you?

Surprisingly, Emmannuelle gets bored watching the match and decides to go the changing rooms to have sex with any footballers (or pets) present.

More comedy gold unfolds as each and every one of the teams pretends to be injured or starts a fight in order to get sent off so that they too can get a wee bit of (leathery) ball action.

Theodore, hiding in a shower cubicle, is disgusted (yet possibly aroused who knows?) by what he sees so reckons that the best thing to do is to kidnap Emmannuelle.

Obviously this plan fails.

And without bloodshed unfortunately.

But by this point both him and us are at the end of our tethers and with poor Theodore running low on hankies, he realizes there's only one course of action left to him so he sells the incriminating photo's of Emmannuelle's saucy antics to the Sunday papers.

"Oi Emmannuelle! your results
come back positive!"

In order to put an end to the gossip, Emmanuelle decides to appear on top teevee interviewer Harold Hump's (Benny Hill Show legend and star of Superman 2 McGee) show to defend her actions.

Outraged by he lack of shame, Hump gets more and more hot under the collar till Emmannuelle gives him a darn good gobble live on air.

Sitting at home in a state of shock, Theodore puts a gun to his head to blow his brains out.

But unfortunately misses.

Meanwhile back at the Embassy, Emile has invite his doctor over to discuss his steeple/arse problems and his lack of shagging.

Luckily the doctor explains that the erectile dysfunction that he's suffering from is all in his mind, even going as far as to get his exotic nurse to strip down to her tiny undies and jiggle her ample breasts in Emile's face to prove it.

Standing tall and proud (meaning he has an erection) Emile rushes home and jumps on his missis before violently sticking it in her.

But thankfully off screen.

Spank that monkey.

Obviously some other stuff happens too but I don't want to give it all away or you'll have no reason to watch it will you?

What a double bill.....no doubt some readers were conceived during this. Write in if you were.

After moving the usual saucy postcard humour of the original movies into a more lewd and upfront vein (ooeer missis) more akin to the Robin Askwith starring Confessions films with the 1976 release Carry On England, it was only a matter of time before the series ramped up the sexual content even further than Timmy Lea ever did.

The resulting car crash of a movie is at once painful yet strangely enjoyable to watch.

Learning from the mistaken of jettisoning most of the original Carry On team from England (which sounds like a sinister Britain First plot) Emmannuelle brings back a few surviving members and tries to be radical by forcing them to swear and show their arses.

Which for the unsuspecting viewer is about as enjoyable as watching someone sexing up your Grannie if I'm honest.

Tho' that probably depends on how hot your Grannie is.

Kenneth farted...and it was an eggy one.

Suzanne Danielle is an OK lead but any attempts at humour are prematurely butchered by her appalling French accent and the fact that she's been dressed up to resemble an old lady rather than a sexy nymph, you kinda get the idea that folk are only  wanting have sex with her because she's the only female cast member under 65, not because she's in any way attractive.

But she does her best unlike the rest of the cast who all seem to be doing it purely for the cash.

Except for Howard Nelson that is who, from viewing his other work, just seems to enjoy flaunting himself in tiny trunks.

Fair play to him tho'.

Suzanne Danielle: Somewhere to park your bike.

But the main problem the film has is that for a comedy there's a distinct lack of anything remotely funny in the script, save for the aforementioned gag of Concorde's nose standing up when Theodore and Emmannuelle are having sex in the plane's toilet.

But just like your club-footed cousin who dribbles when she talks and gets uncomfortably huggy after one glass of wine I love it anyway.

And so should you.

fish fang grrrrrrr!

What can I say?

Girl child 2 got excited by the box art  plus it's from some of the folk that made Sharktopus so sue me.


Dinoshark (2010).
Dir: Kevin O'Neill (not the one that drew Nemesis The Warlock).
Cast: Eric Balfour, Iva Hasperger (me too), Aarón Díaz, Dan Golden, Christina Nicole, Humberto Busto and Lord Roger of Corman.

"Welcome to the Endangered Species list, bastard!"

Our story begins off the coast of Alaska (or at the very least a lovely painting of it), where solo yachtsman Sevrin Seas (as himself) has managed to bump his boat into a particularly sharp bit of CGI iceberg.

Deciding to dive into the icy waters to check the hull for scratches it's not long before our salty pal is being stalked by something in the deep blue sea.

And no, it's not LL Cool J.

Suddenly and without warning (apart from a whooshing sound) poor Mr. Seas (and his handy GPS) is swallowed whole by what looks like a huge, grey computer generated turd with fins.

And  a bad case of all over genital warts.

"Shark in mah mooth!"

Meanwhile in Mexico (just across the street from where they shot Sharktopus) the horse-faced and bullet nippled everyman Trace McGraw (Balfour from 24 and the Texas Chainsaw remake) having recently returned home from sailor school, as decided to put his training to work by running a tourist cruise throughout the holiday season in a kinda Carry on Cruising way.

Sun, sand, sexy senoritas and various STD's beckon.


Well it would be if the harbor patrol would let him live on his boat.

A sexy senorita (sans AIDS) yesterday.

Heading to his pal Jeremy's pub The Salty Seaman to drown his sorrows, a long (well longer than usual) faced Trace soon gets chatting the blonde bombshell, scientist and girls water polo coach, Carol Brubaker (Hasperger from the Billy Zane classic Vlad) who just happens to be a buddy of his bestest pal Rita (the mightily moustached and spud faced Nicole).

After a few drinks and a wee bit of character development, Rita makes her farewells and heads off to the beach for a swim leaving Trace and Carol to stare at each other giggling whilst trying to figure out who has the bigger chin.

Adrien Brody: the mooth shite-in years.

Making her excuses to leave (and no she doesn't just say "I have my women's period" and walk away) our brainy beauty heads of to meet hotelier and part-time dirty perv Mike (Bad Girls from Mars star Golden) who talks her into having her huge thighed female volleyball team hold an exhibition game in a canal that leads to open sea.

For no other reason it seems than to make for an exciting climax.

Whilst all this chat is highly commendable (and unusual) for this kind of movie, what we really want is gratuitous scenes of Frank Dinoshark chowing down on some olive skinned beauty.

Well we get half of our wish granted when poor Rita becomes the main course in our prehistoric chums Latino lunch.

Entrails on mah beach!

Worried (kinda) by their friends non appearance at dinner time, Trace and co. head out to look for her, finding instead our titanic toothed terror chomping away on a couple of non speaking extras dressed as rejects from Baywatch Nights.

What the fuck is this giant scaly beast? enquires Trent with the worried look of a slightly constipated beagle.

Luckily for us (and the plot) as well as everything else, Carol is an expert on badly rendered prehistoric shark type things and heads over to see her old friend, eminent marine biologist Dr. Frank Reeves (Corman himself looking as sexy as ever) to see if he has any idea how to make it die.

Call me stupid but it doesn't matter how old and grizzled it is cos at the end of the day it's only a big fish?

Why would she need to ask how to kill it?

I mean it's not like it's lead lined or made of gold.....surely bullets, bombs or a big net would do?

"Come my children...suck the movie milk from my man tits!"

Anyway, Trace and Carol decide it'd be wise to hunt down and kill poor Dinoshark before he has a chance to eat any more of the admittedly small number of tourists there for the resorts annual bring and buy sale.

So will our dynamic chinned duo manage to kill this titan of terror before the budget runs out?

Or will the swim team get eaten whole?

Well, what do you think?

"Laugh noooooooooo!"

Another day, another big shark and another SyFy original movie produced by Sir Roger of Corman on a break from counting his money, directed by the man that gave you Dinocroc (and did the effects on the Feast trilogy) and starring the pretty one from the TCM remake.

What's not to love?

Apart from the acting, visual effects and shoddy production values obviously.

Filmed in exactly the same locations - and with exactly the same script - as Sharktopus you kinda know what you're getting yourself into even before you've slapped a fiver down for this beauty in your local Morrisons and if you don't then it's no ones fault but your own.

And frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rum, sodomy and the lash.

I mean come on, you know the CGI beast is going to look like a market knock-off childs bath toy, that the performances will be pitch at comatose level and that the lead actress has been hired on breast size rather than talent but who the hell cares cos sometimes after a hard days toil you just want to see busty babes and comedy shirted men get eaten by monsters.

Admit it, you know it's true.

It's just a pity that Eric Roberts was busy.

beaches.

The Meg is out this Friday so a couple of weeks back I decided to re-watch as many big fish films as I could in a kinda Carcharodon carcharias countdown in the hope of snagging some new readers.

But as is the way with this blog I got bored after Shark Attack III and went onto something else.

Luckily girl-child 2 is a huge fan of all things shark based and has been chomping at the bit to revisit as many big fish frighteners as possible before the big day.

This'll teach her.


Sand Sharks (2011).
Dir: Mark Atkins
Cast: Corin Nemec, Gina Holden, Eric Scott Woods, Robert Pike Daniel, Vanessa Lee Evigan, Brooke Hogan and some sharks.

"That's gotta be bad for business!"

The beachside resort of Fiddler's Slit has never recovered from a spate of shark attacks two years previously, local businesses are shutting and money is scarce.


Enter (quite roughly, you know he'd like it) wheeling dealing party animal and son of the towns mayor, local wide boy Jimmy Green (Parker Lewis himself Nemec) returning home with a scheme to breathe some life into the dying economy (and hopefully clear his debts with the mob along the way) by organising a huge Neil Gaiman themed (possibly) beach party entitled the Sandman Festival.

"And the winner of the Vic Morrow fancy dress competition is...."

What Jimmy doesn't realise is that his ex-squeeze and current Deputy Sheriff, the cutely button nosed Brenda (Greg's daughter Vanessa Lee) alongside her burly bro', Sheriff John Stone (Immortal Island's Captain Jack himself, Woods) are desperate to close the beaches after a number of dirt bikers have been found half eaten behind the bins.

Fearing further shark/bin attacks (and partly to show Jimmy who's boss) Brenda calls in the eminent shark scientist Dr. Sandy Powers (Brooke, daughter of Hulk Hogan giving a credible performance as a scientist) to check for tooth marks and stuff.

The most amazing discovery she makes tho' is that all these shark attacks happened out of the water.

Scary.

"Trust us...I is scientist!"

Meanwhile the bodies keep piling up.

Well, bits of them do.

Calling a town meeting for the understandably concerned residents (all six of them), Sheriff Stone is surprised when town drunk and token comedy Scotsman Angus (video game voice-over god Daniel) stumbles into the meeting and quotes Quint's shark scene from Jaws in it's entirety before adding, in a neat spin of his own, that they're dealing with prehistoric Sand Sharks that travel thru' sand as if it were water.

Yeah....right.

Fortunately Dr. Powers agrees with this theory and, seeing as she has terrific breasts (unlike Angus whose breasts have seen better days) the town offer to help in any way they can.

Meanwhile Jimmy attempts to set up some staging without anyone noticing.

"I wouldn't want one of them swimming up my arse!"

With his events team sneakily brought onto the island with a rubber shark in tow with the hope of convincing everyone it's the one they're after and Dr. Sandy busy giving the Sheriff the (glass) eye, Jimmy only has to plug in his record player for the festival to begin.

Unfortunately it fuses the whole islands power, leaving his big bald electrician pal to repair everything, little knowing that his constant banging is attracting the real killer.

The sand shark is on the move.

"Hello French polishers? You may have just saved my life!"

Luckily Sand Sharks are allergic to electricity (and perspective by the look of things) and the poor bugger bursts into flames leaving a smouldering carcass and the beach free for partying.

Awesome as our American cousins say.

It's not over yet tho' for as the festival continues and literally dozens of college kids arrive to enjoy the festival, Sandy realizes that the shark they killed was just a baby and that somewhere beneath the sand hundreds of sharks are heading toward the beach attracted by the (good) vibrations emanating from the party.

Clooney and Diaz: the abattoir years.

Will homely Brenda, sexed up Sandy, Sheriff Stone and bad boy Jimmy be able to stop the sharks enjoying their sand based snacks?

Will Brenda and Jimmy get back together?

And what is the secret in Angus' shed?

A top fish doctor yesterday.

From the director of Snakes on A Train comes this wild yet scientifically accurate story of sharks gone schitzo, based I'm informed on a true story and featuring a fantastic cast headed up by the naturally talented Brooke Hogan here (I could have sworn she was a real scientist), breath-taking visual effects and even a sly dig at Roger Corman  – why this never got a cinema release is beyond me.

Actually I do know, it's because it's cheaper, nastier and shoddier than your mums underwear.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I mean it's not like director Atkins is taking it all that seriously (the above mentioned casting seems to prove this) and the whole movie seems to wear it's threadbare budget as a badge of pride which does make the whole thing very endearing, a wee bit like that huge-headed, pockmarked faced girl with the nice arse you used to get drunk at youth club cos she'd let you touch her bra.

Don't deny it, I saw you.

Plus Brooke Hogan seemed to enjoy it seeing as she went on to make 2 Headed Shark Attack alongside that other great thespian Carmen Electra and the lovely (she reads this blog) Corinne Nobili.

And it's always good to see the under-rated Corin Nemec battling against woeful CGI again after his roles in the stunning 2005 hit Raging Sharks and the truly terrifying Mosquito Man, and best of all in this movie he gets to sing at the sharks too.

Well?

What more do you want?

sophie's choice.

For your eye pleasure, a set of photo's featuring Sophie Aldred - probably Doctor Who's greatest companion Ace - taken for 2000 AD by Steve Cook.

brothers in arms.

Just woke up (well not literally, I mean I've been awake for hours what I just typed was a figure of speech to set the scene but hopefully you knew that) to the news that top children's entertainer and scourge of the left wing Barry Chuckle has died.

This reminded me that over a decade ago (yes I've been blogging in undeniable obscurity for that long - tragic I know) I wrote a rather nice piece about the brothers celebrating twenty years as Britain's premiere comedy duo.

Many folk (well two) found it vaguely amusing so I thought I'd re-post it now (with some added stuff so you don't feel cheated) as a tribute.

Enjoy.

Twin brothers Barry (born 24 December 1843) and Paul Von Chuckle (born 18 October 1870) were abandoned by their parents in the forests of Lithuania when it was discovered that they suffered from a rare form of Lycanthropy that caused them to be born with a full head of thick, spiky brown hair, mustaches and mullets.

The earliest existing photo of Paul and
Barry Von Chuckle, aged 3.

Saved from certain death and raised by a passing band of cannibalistic circus gypsies, the brothers were versed in the dark and ancient rites of 'knockabout comedy', entertaining the crown heads of Europe until a fateful night in 1907 when they found themselves shipwrecked off the coast of Scotland after a particularly violent storm.

Left penniless and homeless (but not mustache-less) the brothers survived the only way they knew how, desecrating graves and feasting on the flesh of corpses, absorbing the very essence of the recently deceased bodies before pawning their rings.

A rare (colourised) photo of the brothers parents, Lord Hailstrom and Lady Vindictiva Von Chuckle, Duisberg 1867.

It was during one such graveyard excursion that they discovered tickets to the ITV talent show New Faces in the jacket pocket of a murdered country singer - Wailin' Wayne Wilton and after consuming the singers face the brothers stole the tickets and decided to audition.

It came as a surprise to audiences and contestants alike when the duo won the series in 1974 after the bookies favourite, Wee Charlie Hadcock (an Edinburgh-based ventriloquist suffering from leprosy whose catchphrase "moldy bread!" had taken the nation by storm at the time) was found dead in his dressing room with his throat ripped out.

The last known photo of
Wee Charlie Hadcock.

The boys should have been catapulted to stardom had it not been for a terrifying incident during the final curtain call where the full moon like shape of the arc lights coupled with the over excited pheromones of fellow contestant Marti Caine caused the brothers to revert to their true form...that of giant humanoid dog-like creatures (with mullets) and attack the audience.

This incident went on to be known as the great Teddington terror and for many years became a favourite staple of the Dennis Norden gaffs 'n' gashes compilation show It'll Be Alright On The Night as well as inspiring the little seen 1978 Hindi horror classic Darwaza.

Grade: pseudo-sexual
science.

Luckily too much bloodshed was avoided when one of Caine's fellow judges, Lord Lew Grade managed to calm the brothers by singing an old Lithuanian lullaby in his native tongue before subduing them with his silver topped walking stick and whisking them away to a top secret research facility hidden beneath Pinewood studios.

What happened to Paul and Barry in the intervening ten years is difficult to know, rumour has it that Grade spent millions trying to harness their sheer animalistic entertainment talent (and luxurious hair length) to create a new race of Teevee personality (ex Magpie frontman Mick Robertson was discovered to be part of this breeding programme), this would explain the sightings of large wolf-like beasts reported around the studio's in the mid seventies and the excessive amounts of missing persons the police have on file for the Pinewood area at the time.

Mick Robertson, Algarve 1978.

The brothers would have become a footnote in history had it not been for the efforts of world renowned animal expert and geneticist Rod Hull, who in late 1984, launched a daring raid on the studio to free Paul and Barry and offer them a lucrative BBC contract.

The mission (codenamed: Entertainment Express) did not go smoothly however, a spy in the ranks meant that Grades crack ITC elite were waiting for them, mortally wounding funnyman Peter Glaze. and had it not been for the sacrifice of Bernie Clifton's ostrich Oswald there would have been many more casualties.

Clifton and Oswald shortly before

the raid that would claim his life.

The story tho' had a happy ending (and a new beginning) for the Chuckle Brothers, thanks to the help and guidance of Hull and Barbara Woodhouse, Paul and Barry launched themselves onto our Teevee screens in 1985 with the spectacular Chucklehounds, a series of short shows (usualy featuring the brothers attempting to move pianos for pensioners) with no dialogue aimed at a pre-school  (and post pub) audience.

"To me to yooooooooooo!" The Chucklehounds attempt to move a piano.

The viewing public, caught up in the excitement of the show failed to realise that the brothers were not, in fact wearing costumes but still trapped in their Vulpine form and tho' ratings were high the duo were kept away from public appearances for fear that they may eat the children.

Pyke: Five fingers, never touched the sides.

In 1986 however a breakthru' occurred when famous Doctor of Scientific things, Magnus Pyke discovered that an enzyme secreted from the brother's forebrain - usually found at the ballooning end of the neural tube and located most rostrally (toward the nose) was the cause of their affliction.

In an average human the caudal end of this ballooning portion is the rhombencephalon (4th ventricle), the middle part of the balloon is the mesencephelon, and the anterior part of the balloon is the proencephelon/forebrain but in the brothers case it was discovered that the  proencephalon was divided by the ballooning inwards - rather than out.

Further studies showed that the telencephalic vesicles could be used to ferment a change in their physiognomy, returning them to their 'human' form permanently.


But you all probably knew that.


The procedure was a success and the brothers, with the the last vestige of their wolf form, razor sharp incisors cunningly hidden behind bushy moustaches quickly moved on to their most famous show, Chuckle Vision in 1987 and, with catchphrases such as "To me....To you!", "Fancy a spin in me motor?" and "Ooooh....he's a suave bugger!" the show was an overnight hit bringing in over 19 million viewers.

Suave buggers indeed!

There was nothing to stop the brothers now, wining the BAFTA for best children's series and launching the quiz 'To Me, To You', the basic format of which was deceptively cunning; involving as it did two teams, competing each round for prizes on a morticians trolley (albeit with a fake corpse attached). By rolling a dice carved from human bone the teams had to get the trolley to their end of the board. The 'squares' leading up to their end of the board often represented dangerous challenges such as piranha pools, quick lime pits and gun emplacements manned by ex-Soviet special forces.

The rounds ended when this was achieved and new prizes were put on the trolley, which was reset to the centre with a cry of "Oh how fortitude doth forgive the foolish!" delivered by a cage of lank-haired homeless ex- bus conductors.

The show lasted for three series before being banned under the UN war crimes committee.

"But who will help me with this piano?" Tensions run high as the UN arrest the brothers.

The brothers were soon acquitted of any wrong doing blaming co-host Dave Lee Travis for the numerous violations of human rights on show, even going as far as to give evidence against the so-called 'Human Cornflake at The Hague despite death threats from a sinister cabal of showbiz luminaries led by Jimmy's Savile and Krankie.

It was during the final day of the trial when the brothers escaped death for a third time (after the Scottish shipwreck and an ill-advised summer season in Weston Super Mare obviously) when comedy superstar Billy Pearce - brainwashed by Travis and high on Tizer - attempted to attack the courtroom with stinkbombs given away free with that weeks Whizzer And Chips comic.

Luckily Three of A Kind star and ex-SAS sergeant David Copperfield was present, managing to wrestle the bombs before they could be used, diffusing the smell by lying on top of them therefore allowing his brand new Arran sweater to soak up the stench whilst armed guards cleared the area.

Pearce: Hypnotized.

 Thanks to a massive multi-agency operation the evil cabal was eventually broken up allowing the brothers to return to their second love (their first being grave robbing) appearing on stage almost constantly throughout the rest of year as they toured with their semi-autobiographical show "'Boiled Onions and Bangers" across the UK.

And it was the success of the show that led to the brothers to concentrate more on stage than TV as over the next 18 months they premiered over a thousand new shows including  The Erotic Adventures of the Chuckle Brothers, The Chuckle Brothers in - Trouble at Sea, Raiders of the Lost Bark, Barry Potty and his Smarter Brother Paul in the Chamber of Horrors, The Chuckle Brothers meet Pol Pot, Star Doors, Pirates of the River Rother, Doctor What and The Return Of The Garlics, Spooky Goings On, Spooky Goings On 2: Prayer of the Crack Ho's and their biggest success to date the fantastic plea for peace in the Middle East Chuckling All The Way To The West Bank.



But all this success couldn't save Barry from the nightmares and flashbacks caused by his experiences with the showbiz terrorist group that tried to kill him.

And it would be these fears that would almost cause the brothers career to come crashing down around them as when researching a new show about an overweight feminist set on a 70s council estate - the controversially titled "Lip Up Fatty" that Barry was drawn into the world of fringe British politics, posting threads on Facebook regarding the banning of Foreign-made Spoons and bringing back the death penalty for the use of canned laughter during the recording of sitcoms.

Paul desperate to save not only his brothers sanity but a lucrative marketing deal that had just been signed with chemical giants Glaxo hatched a plan to kidnap his brother andtake him back to the wilds of Scotland to recover.

And this he did, leaving British TV and theatre bereft of any mustache-based monkey business for almost a decade.

But as suddenly as they'd vanished they returned with the news that after a massive bidding war (and at the cost of over 20,000 lives, mainly in marketing so no loss really) that The pair had signed a massive multi-million pound contract with well-respected arts broadcasters Channel Five to produce an in no way derivative (yet still hilarious) clip show cleverly titled Chuckle Time (with The Chuckle Brothers.

Harry Hill was unavailable for comment.

As was Lisa Riley.

Tho' that might be because the restraining order is still in force.

Riley: Twice.

But let's forget all the Dodgy politics and even dodgier fashion choices and just remember The brothers as they would have wanted.

As comedies (elder) gods.

And with this quote from their management when The Huffington Post asked for a statement on the rise of the right in the UK:

Barry Chuckle - (born 24 December 1843 - died 5 August 2018)