Sunday, May 5, 2013

leathery when wet.

This seemed to get thru' it's cinema release without too much hate so obviously I couldn't allow that to happen...

Texas Chainsaw 3-D (2013).
Dir: John Luessenhop.
Cast: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Tremaine Neverson, Keram Malicki-Sánchez, Shaun Sipos, Richard Riehle, Thom Barry, Sue Rock, Dodie Brown, James MacDonald, Scott Eastwood, Gunnar Hansen and Marilyn Burns.

"Do your thing, cuz!"

Three sequels, a remake, a prequel and the passing of 39 years and poor Sally Hardesty is still trapped in Texas, wearing the same blood and sweat stained flares with her bullet-like nipples sticking ominously thru' her vest top.

But this is no bizarre space/time eddy but a hellish attempt to make the audience forget everything that happened since the original TCM (which in the case of the Michael Bay remake is no loss) and retro-actively bolt this 're-imagining' onto it's climax in order to make it the one true sequel to Tobe Hooper's classic.

No that's out of the way let's head back to 1974 and continue our tale.

With Sally escaping in the back of a pick-up truck local Sheriff Hooper (Barry, wearing so much de-aging make-up and such a dodgy afro wig that he actually looks like an offensively 'blacked-up' white actor) arrives at the Sawyer family house in order to give the family a stern telling off before taking hulking munter
Jedidiah -Leatherface- Sawyer (Yeager) into custody for murdering folk.

"Get in the back of the van!"

Obviously cannibalism and attempting to slash cripples isn't a crime in Texas seeing as the rest of the family are free to go.

Unfortunately, soon to be Mayor and card carrying redneck Burt Hartman (Daddy Day Camp's Rae) turns up with a 'posse' and proceeds to burn down the house and everyone in it.

Everyone that is except ickle baby Edith , who's found by one of the townsfolk, Gavin (Born) who, after promptly murdering her mother, Loretta (the scarily long faced Dodie Brown) takes the baby home to his wife Arlene (Sergeant Rock's sister Sue) to be (begrudgingly) raised under the pseudonym of Heather.

Leaping forward to 2013 we find that Heather (now in her mid-twenties and played by the sparkly eyed Daddario) has recently received a letter from a lawyer notifying her that:

A. She's adopted


B.  That her grandmother, Verna Carson (original TCM babe Burns), has passed away and left everything to Heather in her will.


Not half as much as this movie's continuity.

Realizing that she may need a wee bit of help celebrating her new found wealth Heather's boyfriend Ryan ('pop' star Neverson, which strangely enough is the first thing I'd say to a child of mine if he ever asked if he could appear in a movie like this) plus her friends, the ferret like Nikki (the genuinely terrifyingly toothsome Raymonde, star of Switched at Birth. It'd be cruel to say with a horse) and Kenny (the Scrabble high-scoring Keram Malicki-Sánchez), decide to travel to Texas with her, picking up the man-breasted beefcake hitchhiker Darryl (Sipos) along the way.

"Put it in me!"

Our foxy five are met on arrival by the Sawyer family lawyer, Farnsworth (an embarrassed Riehle), who quickly hands over the deeds, keys and an important letter from Verna (that must be read before anything else) before heading off into the sunset, obviously hoping that no-one will recognize him.


Excited about actually owing a house in these turbulent times of economic woes, Heather and her friends decide to have a celebratory barbeque,  immediately setting off to buy supplies and food from the local town, leaving Darryl to stay and look after the house.


What's it going to do?

Run away?


Not too surprisingly (it's the vest) Darryl starts ransacking the house and stealing stuff before finally finding a big locked door in the wine cellar which he reckons is full of money and things.

However, upon opening the door he's shocked to discover not money and riches but a big fat man wearing what looks like a giant mouldy potato as a mask.

Yup, it's Leatherface looking twice as wide and three times as shit as he did in the original.

Imagine a homeless and char-grilled Susan Boyle wielding a chainsaw but only half as scary.

And he's had his teeth done.

I never thought I'd say this but at this point I was beginning to miss R. A. Mihailoff.

And his mask was made from a handbag.

Anyway within seconds of meeting Darryl, good old Leatherface bludgeons him to death with a chair leg before going back to whatever it is serial killers do when they're locked in a cellar.

I don't know what's more disturbing, Tania Raymonde's shorts or the fact that Leatherface shops at Poundland.

Returning to discover the house has been turned over (not literally tho' that'd be too exciting), Heather and her friends fret among themselves for a few minutes before deciding to go ahead with the party anyway which is good news for camp Kenny as it means he can show off his cooking skills (which frankly have to be better than his acting ones).

Heather decides to spend the time before dinner trying on a dead woman's clothes whilst Ryan and Nikki sneak off to a nearby barn for 'the sex'.

It's like an episode of Jeremy Kyle but with better teeth.

All these grunting, squelching sounds coupled with the aroma of boiled onions obviously begins to annoy poor Leatherface who, in a move that would be out of place on Masterchef, storms upstairs and impales Kenny on a hook.

As Greg would say "Cooking doesn't get much tougher than this!"

That's not the only shocking thing in the house tho' as whilst Heather is searching thru' her grans drawers she inadvertently comes across (in a non-sexual way obviously, tho' that would brighten the movie up a wee bit) Verna Carson's decomposing corpse laid out on the sofa.

As one would.

Running from the room and screaming like a very screamy thing our hapless heroine is soon knocked unconscious by Leatherface, who by this point is obviously pissed off at all the noise and in desperate need of an early night.

Not even a glistening pair of sexy man-tits can save this movie.

Waking up in Leatherface's kitchenette, Heather manages to lie still long enough to watch Kenny being cut in half before escaping into the garden cum graveyard but old leathery is in hot pursuit.

And quite a bold tie.

Luckily for Heather (in a life or death way, not a relationship one) Ryan's lovin' has been interupted by all the screaming and chainsaw noises forcing him to prematurely shoot his load over Nikki's knees and go investigate.

Using her unnaturally large and pale breasts to draw Leatherface's attention away from our house-hoping heroine, Nikki manages to dazzle the potato-faced freak giving Heather enough time to get to their van and pick up her friends.


It's not all fun and games tho' as in the ensuing chase, Leatherface saws through one of the van's tires, causing it to overturn, killing Ryan to death and trapping Nikki under the weight of her plastic boobs.

The only way you'd get someone to sit thru' this mess.

Using the old excuse that she really needs a wee, Heather leaves her friend to die and escapes to the local carnival were comedy greatness ensues as she's chased about Ala Benny Hill whilst various carnival goers fain disinterest.

Even the horses on the roundabout look bored.

Tired of the distinct lack of character development or respect he's been given Leatherface throws his chainsaw away in a huff and fucks off home, leaving Heather to finally meet up with (a now make-up free) Sheriff Hooper (who suddenly bares a startling resemblance to Yaphet Koto in Live and Let Die) who kindly explains the films plot.

Mis-matched undies?...A more deserving reason to die I can't think of.

 Yup, as bizarre as it may sound Heather is actually Leatherface's cousin and he only killed her pals because he got a fright when the doorbell rang and he's a wee bit shy round new people.

If only she'd read her grans letter beforehand but then we'd have had to endure the total character assassination of a much loved horror icon 65 minutes earlier.

It really puts the Sawyer family crimes into perspective now, I mean it was only a bit of murder, cannibalism and car theft.

Why can't they all just let bygones be bygones and get along?

Well that'll be because Hartman is still holding a grudge.

Luckily it's not The Grudge he's holding but going by this if he was it'd be the shite remake.

Gathering up his Deputy Sheriff son Carl (Clint's son Scott) and some chubby bloke we met earlier, Hartman decides to kidnap Heather and tie her up in the old slaughterhouse with her breasts exposed in the hope that cousin Leatherface will turn up to rescue her.


Will this evil plan work?

Will Leatherface put on a comedy curly wig for the climax?

Will anyone involved with this monstrosity ever be able to hold theirs heads high in public again?

Just a pity it chose to wear a Mr. Potato Head one today.

Fucking hell that was rough.

Texas Chainsaw 3-D must win the prize for biggest single abuse of a beloved film character in known history, it's like the Jimmy Savile of celluloid. Everything we know and love about the original film is shat on from a great height and diluted into a sub-par approximation of what a slasher movie should be.

Which is actually quite terrifying when you think about it as one of them wrote  Jason Goes To Hell which is quite frankly fucking brilliant.

Add to that it commits the heinous crime of totally wiping the fantastic TCM 2 from the canon in order to violently stick their aberration into the originals continuity like a sex crazed hobo attempting to mount an angelic cherub.

Subo heads round to my house after reading this review.

Can you believe it took SIX people to write this, which if anything is good news for 'director' Luessenhop seeing as he can't take the sole blame for it so it must be one of the 12, yes count them, 12 producers that green-lit this car wreck.

Except Tobe Hooper obviously, he was probably too drunk to know what day it was poor sod.

I mean who in their right mind hires folk like the fantastic Bill Moseley only to kill him off within seconds of him appearing then give the majority of the movies dialogue to singer turned actor Tremaine 'Trey Songz' Neverson?

But, I hear you cry, it can't be all that bad.

Well I'm sorry but it is.

Tho'  I must admit that Alexandra Daddario has very pretty eyes.

But is that any excuse to leave this crime unpunished?

I think not.

Till next time....

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