Sunday, October 8, 2017

let's talk about sex.

The best thing about cable teevee (apart from the almost constant repeats of The Persuaders!, Hogan's Heroes and The Saint) is the oft derided Movies 24 channel.

For those who've never seen it, it's a channel dedicated to true life dramas (usually about alcoholic cheerleaders or abused step kids with titles like Pretty Girls in Boxes or The Silent Shame), bio-pics starring Patsy Kensit or Sherilyn Fenn and (after 11 PM) erotic thrillers usually starring Shannon Tweed and Eric Roberts.

Tweed: dirty cow.

As you can tell, it's the UKs greatest channel.

Unfortunately tho' it can be a wee bit of a distraction when you fire up the teevee to review a film for 31 days of horror and instead you get dragged into a touching drama about kids having 'the sex'.

It wasn't a totally wasted evening tho' as who knows, this review may save a life.

Or help you when trying to seduce that 14 year old who lives next door.

Or at the very least amaze you with it's casts (and directors) other work, it's like an Arena convention.

'It used to be when a girl refused sex, she had
society on her side, now culture screams "just do it.'

She's Too Young (AKA Teen Sex Can Kill. 2004)
Dir: Tom McLoughlin.
Cast: Marcia Gay Harden, Alexis Dziena, Mike Erwin, Miriam McDonald, Megan Park and Rowan McInnes.

14 year old buck toothed, pug nosed Hannah (Mimic 3's Dziena) is one of those annoying good girls that you always wanted to give a good kicking to in school, she plays cello in the school band, wears sensible cardigans and is proud of being a virgin.

Her bezzie buddies, the slutty Becca (Diary of The Dead's Park) and metal mouthed slightly sluttier Dawn (McDonald from the classic The Sea Beast and Poison Ivy IV) have different ideas tho', having discovered that the easiest way to be popular at school is to shag around like Harvey Weinstein let loose in a barnyard.

This is because they are blondes and therefore evil.

But the friendship is at breaking point due to these brash bimbettes spending every evening partying in sleazy hotel rooms and shagging (tastefully) on the bonnets of cars, leaving poor Hannah home alone with only her geeksome yet cute photography obsessed friend (one of the Jonas Brothers I think) for company.

Oh and her cello of course.


But an older boy on campus, the 17 year old mole chested stud muffin Nick (Erwin, the teen Bruce Banner in Ang Lee's Hulk and the voice of Speedy in Teen Titans) has taken a liking to Hannah and is determined to be the one to take her virginity.

Tho' where he plans to take it to is never explained.

Inviting her over to his house whilst his parents are out of town (using the excuse that he loves cello music) he manages to get her (but not the cello obviously) into his hot tub.

Surprisingly he doesn't make a move on Hannah, preferring to charm her with his amusing jock stories whilst wiggling his leathery nipples at her. It seems to do the job tho' as she ends up giving him a blow job during a scary Spanish werewolf movie later that evening*.

Nick Nips: who wants the first suckle?

Meanwhile back at school it seems that Becca has been suffering from a sore throat for weeks and has recently discovered some evil looking red spots in her mouth. Deciding to visit the school nurse she's shocked (and ashamed) to find that she's contracted syphilis.

But before you can spray dirty cow on her locker (or scratch it onto her forehead) it seems that almost the entire school is infected, due in part to all those sexy motel parties and hot tub sessions.

Hannah after a wee bit of high horse acting, comes a cropper when she too finds she has syphilis thanks to Nick and his filthy penis.

Doing what any of us would in this situation she goes out and gets rat arsed, returning home only to tell her overprotective (yet really hot in a frumpy kinda way) mum Trish (the poor man's Jeanne Tripplehorn, Harden from The Mist and Flubber) the good news.

After a fair bit of Emmy worthy shouting and blubbing Trish decides that the only way to deal with this outbreak of promiscuity amongst 'ver kids' is to form a 'sex in hot tubs and outside marriage is evil' committee, dedicated to wiping out syphilis, teen pregnancy, to raise motel room prices and to sew every single teen girls vagina (and possibly anus) shut.

Announcing her masterplan during the next PTA, Trish is upset to find that some of the parents think she may be going a wee bit too far.

"Hannah checks for mooth shite.

How could Hannah's life get any worse?

Well, because of her shag Nazi mum, no-one at school is talking to her (or asking for blow jobs, which is a pity because she has really nice full lips, a wee bit like your brother) anymore except that is for the gangly geek-boy from earlier who she whines at on instant messenger at every given opportunity.

Being a nice, sensitive guy (and possibly gay by the state of his hair) he invites Hannah over to cry on his shoulder (but not i hasten to add, shite in his mooth).

When she arrives tho' Hannah is surprisingly calm about the fact that her pals bedroom walls are covered in hundreds of candid photographs he's taken of her.

Tho' none of them show her giving head.


You know it would so be worth the jail term.

Snuggled up close on Jonas bed, his GI Joe bedspread wrapped are her shoulders it's not long before the pair are gazing into each others (dead, cold) eyes.

Hannah leans over and kisses him.


Soon the horny teens are ripping at each others clothes, Hannah straddling Jonas like a big, lanky geek pony, her tiny trembling hands reaching for his bulging undies.

But geekboy has second thoughts and starts spurting not semen but horrible preachy bollocks like 'We have the rest of our lives to do this.....I respect you too much.'

Hannah, rather than be touched (phnarrr) by Noah's genuine love for her shows her true slut colours by jumping off him, grabbing her jacket and stomping off to the nearest sex party.

But not before uttering possibly the greatest line in teevee movie history.

"You don't want me because I have syphilis!"

Hmmmm, it might actually be because you're a spoilt, harsh faced whore, hen.

Hannah attempts to make steam
appear from my magic pipe.

Arriving at the party she immediately begins to look for Becca and Dawn (probably in the hope of at least getting a threesome in the pool) but they're nowhere to be seen.

Luckily, a wee boy named Harry Potter (I kid you not) is in attendance and points Hannah in the direction of the basement where he says she'll find Becca 'talking' to her new beau.

Slowly creeping downstairs she's shocked (if not a wee bit aroused by the look of her) to see some random creepy jock dude attempting to stick it in Becca without her consent.

As her friends lies crying with her jeans round her ankles and her soft cotton panties at her knees Jeff Badman turns to Hannah and whispers "You're next".

Who can save our whorish heroine?

Well wouldn't you know it, geek freak arrives just in time (I'm assuming he asked the host for directions to the rape cellar) and brandishing his camera phone offers the wanna-be rapist this chilling (and hilarious) ultimatum:

'Stop attempting to rape a wee lassie or I'll send this picture straight to 9-1-1!'

Yup, he'd obviously been there for a while taking photo's of the whole thing.

Dirty sod.

Jeff complies, leaving Hannah and Jonas to finally embrace whilst Becca wipes away the snot and tears before pulling her undies back up.

We never find out what Jonas does with the photo's but there's a good chance he wont have to sneakily steal any of his dads copies of Razzle for a while.

"He did what in his cup?"

Who'd have thought that dear old Tom McLoughlin, the writer and director of Mausoleum and Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (plus being Jason's hand double in that very film) would end up becoming the king of the teevee movie true life drama?

So far he's given us everything from the Molly Ringwald AIDS weepie Something to Live for: The Alison Gertz Story to the high school student addicted to Internet porn shocker Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life via the controversy courting D.C. Sniper: 23 Days of Fear and much more besides. It seems that if it's got teen sex, shootings or drug abuse and it's vaguely based on a true story then McLoughlin's your man.

But out of everything he's made, She's Too Young is probably his best and most accomplished work so far.

If not the sexiest.

Coming on like the bastard offspring of one of those 1950's public information films that warned of evil crazed homosexuals hunting young boys and sailors with VD but cranked up to 11.

The girls are younger, the guys are hornier and the mums much hotter than their 50's counterparts but the scare tactics remain the same, even to the point of showing, in graphic David Cronenberg-esque body horror style, the effects of syphilis in full livid colour when Hannah goes online to research the condition.

Truly true life drama doesn't get much better than this.

Except of course the classic It's My Party when an HIV infected Eric Roberts kisses a pony.

Based (possibly) on the true story of an outbreak of syphilis amongst children in the well-off Atlanta suburb of Rockdale County in 1996 (or just on a normal day in Dudley) but with added shock value to scare teens into abstinence and force parents to chain their offspring to radiators till they're old enough to marry, the movie has too many great scenes to mention but top marks to the fantastic bit when Becca, Hannah and Dawn arrange a sleepover so that they can coach each other to improve their oral skills and the final scenes at the sex party, which come across as a high school version of Blue Velvet mixed with snippets from inside Gary Glitters mind.

Utter pants yet total genius.

Sir Tom of McLoughlin, I salute you.

But I wont be forcing your daughter to give me head anytime soon thanks very much.

*Is it just me, or would you get fucking annoyed if a girl, no matter how hot tried to give you a blow job during a Paul Naschy film?

Honestly it's just not right.

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