mind your language.

Since lockdown myself and the boychild have been amusing ourselves by taking daily walks up the woods and along the canal.

No idea why this film came to mind during yesterdays walk tho'.....

Risky to write NHS on this lock, if any Tories see it they'll probably try and sell it. Bastards.

Invaders of The Lost Gold (AKA Horror Safari, Safari of No Return, Greed 1982).
Dir: Alan Birkinshaw.
Cast: Stuart Whitman, Edmund Purdom, Woody Strode, Laura Gemser, Harold Sakata, David De Martyn and Glynis Barber.

Mmmmmm.....starburst effect.

The year is 1945 and somewhere deep within the lush, verdant jungles of the Philippines a crack squad of (really sweaty) Japanese soldiers and their native minions are carrying huge wooden crates of gold to the coast where it will be shipped back to Japan to help the war effort.

All is going to plan until the (frighteningly bare arsed) local cannibal tribe decide it would be a good laugh to jump out of the bushes and start firing arrows at the unfortunate soldiers before beheading them and dancing about with the said heads on poles.

Which is nice.

The Chuckle Brothers have let themselves go.

After an out of focus minor skirmish the Japanese that still have their heads attached run away and hide the gold under a pile of leaves in a nearby cave before beating a hasty retreat back to the Holiday Inn or wherever they've been staying during the films production.

Before leaving tho' they make a vow to one day return together to retrieve the booty.

Without warning we suddenly jump forward in time 36 years to join weaselly Englishman Rex Larsen ('B' movie ne'er was Purdom) as he cruises the mean streets of Tokyo looking for the three surviving soldiers to 'persuade' them to take him to the caves so he can get his stinky little mitts on the gold.

Things aren't going that well for poor Rex tho' as a mix of bad manners (and bad luck) means that he accidentally killed the first soldier he came across (oops) and the second one he spoke to committed Hari Kari.

Must be his aftershave.

Or his rotten fish breath.

Mark attempts his party stopping Fatty Arbuckle impression.

Luckily the surviving squaddie, Mr. Jeff Tobachi is always looking for ways to fund his pie habit and offers to lead a team to the cave for a very generous 30% and all the cakes he can eat.

All that's left now is to get Brit Toff Douglas Jefferson (De Martyn in his only big screen role. Shame) to put up the cash for the expedition and pick a motley band of adventurers to head out into the jungle to retrieve the gold.

Rex is very annoyed to hear that Jefferson is insisting on using piss stained mercenary Mark Forrest (one time star and full time alcoholic Troy Tempest lookalike Stuart Whitman) to lead the team, it appears Rex and Mark have a history (but not of the sexy kind) and the thought of having to share a tent with him has left Rex all riled.

Yes, the film is really this fucking grim.

Cut to grainy (well grainier than the rest of the film) footage of sexy bar signs and slinky hipped oriental girls dancing badly. In between the baying sailors and bespectacled tourists is our hero Mark slumped over a bottle of finest J & B and dribbling like a baby.

It's right about now that we meet Cal (Strode), Mr. Jefferson's right hand man, who's been sent to find Forrest and offer him a deal.

Pausing only to admire the dancers stomach muscles his enjoyable night out is spoiled by one of the group of sailors standing in front of him turning round and uttering the immortal (and possibly fairly offensive line) "Check out the big black bastard here!".

Some gammons social distancing yesterday.

Ignoring the barrage of - not so - thinly veiled insults as he bops along to the glorious disco sounds Cal finally loses his cool when one of the sailors admits to 'not liking niggers' causing the until now calm Cal to become a frenzied fight machine intent on kicking the absolute shite out of anything and anyone near him.

This is enough to sober up Mark who decides to join in.

Waking in the cells all snuggled up the next morning Mark and Cal have a quick chat about jungle trips before bidding their farewells and going their separate ways.

Mark however is interrupted a few hours later still drunk and mid shandy by Jefferson clutching a wad of cash.

Before Mark gets the wrong idea Jefferson explains that the money is to secure his services as team leader for the expedition.

Mark hiccups and drops off to sleep in a warm bed of his own urine.

"Mooooooooooooooon!"

 Jefferson has only one option left open to him and that's to send his beautiful young daughter Janice (Glynis - Dempsey and Makepiece - Barber in a shocking wig) to seduce Mark into coming.

On the jungle trip obviously.

"To me!" "To you!"

Well this seems to do the trick as next thing we known he's standing on the bow of a boat in all his safari shirted, open necked, man breasted glory as a team of stereotypical natives carry tins of peaches and condensed milk on board.

One of the party appears to have there own (evil) agenda tho' and if that wasn't enough, Mark's ex girlfriend the sultry Maria (purring pussycat Gemser) and her chubbie hubbie are acting (if that's not too strong a word) as guides for the team.

With this mix of ex minxes, jolly Japs, evil Englishmen and alcoholic Americans what could possibly go wrong?

Sing Lofty.

They've only just finished setting up base camp before the horrible (and 'accidental') deaths begin.

First up Maria's fat hubby is killed by a snake (after first embarrassingly having a tent collapse on top of him) then a nameless man is killed in slow motion by a photo of a crocodile (or five photo's of a crocodile in a jammed, second hand Viewmaster, tho' it may have been an alligator the picture was so scratchy it was hard to tell) and Rex disappears (whilst shaving no less).

Mark, between bouts of drinking and sticking it in Janice decides that the merry gang should stick together in case anyone else suffers a mysterious accident which is Maria's cue to go skinny dipping (she's already disappointed us by not having a big sexy lesbian shagfest - as she does in every other one of her movies - with Glynis so this is the next best thing).

"Not my wanking hand!"

After a good (and I do mean good) ten minutes of Lovely Laura frolicking about in the water the soundtrack goes all sinister whilst the picture went all grainy and slow-mo.

I actually thought my player, having finally had enough of all the shite I force it to play had become sentient and decided to end it all.

Worriedly fiddling with the front of the player whilst randomly hitting buttons on the remote control I was brought back to reality by Ms. Gemser's shrill screams as an unseen horror appeared to do bad things to her under the water.

Or something.

Anyway the next thing we know she's lying face down in a puddle, her arse shivering in the cold air as Cal shoots at something strange in the trees.

Yup, after 30 minutes screen time and nary a minge-munching in sight Gemser is out of the picture.

I know the lovely Glynis is still around but honestly what are the chances of her wanking off a monkey at the directors request?

Gemser: Ask your (grand) dad.

Now everything has gone to Hell in a handbasket (I still have no idea what that means), Mr. Tobachi is sweatily blaming Cal, Mark is feverishly searching for a bottle of scotch to dull the pain of the script and Cal is playing guitar as Janice and her dad stand around looking like right tits in their pith helmets.

But the quest for the gold must continue tho' as there's still 25 minutes left on the running time (not to mention that seeing as there are less folk now it means the survivors will get more cash) but will any of them make it out alive?

Will Cal fall off a rope bridge and fall to his death in a 'bottomless' 15 feet deep cravas?

Will Jefferson end up skewered like a big leathery posh kebab?

Will Tobachi ever have a full tummy and will the cannibals re-appear to protect their sacred land?

You'll have to see Invaders of The Lost Gold to find out.

Tho' the answer is rather upsettingly no to the last one by the way.

Same shit, different smell.

Invaders of the Lost Gold is one of those unique movies that transcends it's simple, cack handed film making roots to become something so much more.

You actually begin to feel sorry for the cast and crew as the film plays out it's threadbare plot, taking the obvious pain and hurt in their eyes as your own, every disappointed glance and hungover action begins to affect you on a personal level, almost as if you been the victim of some cruel crime from which you suffer waking nightmares and flashbacks.

 

"Put it in me!....oh wait somebody already did".

After a gung ho opening that offers us guns, gold and gory cannibal action the film jumps forward in time and grinds to a halt never regaining its momentum as it's unfortunate cast are forced to deliver clichéd line after clichéd line whilst wandering around the directors garden in the vain hope we'll think they're in the jungle.

Minutes of valuable screen time is used showing the cast erecting brightly coloured garden party marquees on freshly cut grass whilst chatting inanely about about the green jungle hell and the dangers therein when (as viewers will testify) the only danger facing anyone is the very real possibility of Stuart Whitman collapsing from too much drink, his puffy red eyes and hideously sun burnt neck reminding one of the old tramp you always find sprawled out in the local kiddies play park on hot summer days.

Arse.

True, there are some scenes of genuine horror in the movie but they're inadvertently the ones where the geriatric and bloated Whitman is giving it full on tongue action with the fresh faced Glynis Barber.

You can almost hear the strain of his trousers as he gets more excited than he has for years (or at least since his last drink) and this image if nothing else will haunt me till the day I die.

Add to that the fact that this was made the same year as Raiders of The Lost Ark and you can be guaranteed a chill down your spine just thinking about it, I mean what was director Alan Birkinshaw on?

Rod Steiger, up the casino, Clackton, 1982.....YESCH.

Whatever it was he must have continued taking them seeing as he followed up this classic with the terrifying straight to video hell that is The Best of Gilbert and Sullivan (featuring one time Master Peter Pratt) and the star studded An Orchestral Tribute to the Beatles (?) before 'modernizing' a couple of Edgar Allen Poe and Agatha Christie stories and redeeming himself with three episodes of the fantastic Gerry Anderson 'cops in space' show Space Precinct.

His last known whereabouts was directing the German Teevee series Die Unbestechliche in 1997.

He's been missing ever since.

It's just a pity this film isn't.

But saying that, if you follow this blog chances are you'll love it.

I know I did.

house rules.

RIP Nobuhiko Obayashi

ethel mermaid.

Just back from FrightFest where one of the movies was an underwater monster-based affair that feature a female lead with really great hair.

Yes, I have my priorities right when it comes to reasons for liking films.

Hermione Corfield: Ginger.

Anyway this got be a-wondering as to how many other movies in the sub-aquatic monster genre have lead actresses with fantastic hair?

Well there's this one....

Terror Beneath The Sea (AKA Water Cyborg, 1966).
Dir: Hajime Sato (AKA Terence Ford).

Cast: Sonny Chiba, Peggy Neal, Franz Gruber, Andrew Hughes, Erik Neilson, Mike Daneen, Beverly Keller, Gunther Braun, Koji Miemachi, Tadashi Suganuma, Hideo Murota, Osamu Yamanouchi, Kosaku Okano, Ichiro Mizuki, Akemi Fuji, Enver Altenbay, Hans Horneff and Steve Queens.

Prof. Howard: "Some very peculiar things have been going on around here lately."
Cmdr. Brown: "What?"
Prof. Howard: "I'm not sure, but I think the Navy should be informed about them."
Cmdr. Brown: "What are you driving at?"

Our story (well scriptwriter Kôichi Ôtsu's story....actually it's not even his seeing as it's based on a novel by Masami Fukushima - but I digress) begins at the very important deep sea trials of "The Navy's" brand new homing torpedo, where among the assorted dignitaries and press we're introduced to the big haired Jenny Gleason (button-nosed Kate McKinnon alike and star of The X From Outer Space and Las Vegas Free-for-All, Neal) and the cool, collected Ken Abe (Golgo 13 himself Chiba) who will be our heroes for the next 70 odd minutes.

As the stoic Commander Brown (council estate Christopher Eccleston Gruber) entertains the crowd by randomly pointing at a collection of hastily cut out submarine stickers on a Plexiglass board Jenny begins to feel a sense of dread, made worse when the video feed begins to broadcast from the test site.

And not just because the model work is so atrocious.

Tho' it doesn't help.

As the test continues Jenny becomes even more distressed before screaming in sheer terror when, as the homing torpedo nears the target submarine, a shadowy humanoid figure quickly swims past the underwater camera before being consumed by the explosion as the torpedo finds its target.

Commander Brown, either spooked by the figure or embarrassed by Jenny's reaction  cuts the demonstration short before flouncing out of the room, leaving Jenny slightly shaken and Ken deeply aroused by her display of woman-ness leading to him offering to take her "up the bay" in search of whatever creature they saw swim by.

What a guy.

Jenny screaming: Please note - she'll be doing a fair bit of this during the movie.

After a few brandies in the press bar Ken and Jenny - with her camera to hand - don their wetsuits and head out to sea, partly to look for stuff but mainly as an excuse to track Jenny's undulating arse in her tiny swimming trunks as she swims past the camera.

Which is nice.

It's not all unearthly siren song and smooth milky thighs tho' as suddenly and without warning - well apart from the clumsy musical cue - a terrifying fishman appears from behind a rock and startles our heroine so much that she manages to scream thru' a scuba mouthpiece.

And that, dear reader, is fairly impressive.

Dropping her camera she beats a hasty retreat to the surface as the fishman drunkenly follows her but luckily she makes it to the boat before any flipper based shenanigans can occur leaving Ken to console our tear-soaked heroine and the camera - plus any evidence - presumably lost at the bottom of the ocean.

Arse.

With nothing to show but a pair of mascara stained goggles, Commander Brown quite rightly accuses Jenny of making all this shite about boss-eyed sea beasts up before stomping off in a huff to examine some strange clawed footprints that have been found on the beach near to the top secret torpedo research lab.

No, nothing suspicious at all here.

"Laugh now!"

After downing a few more drinks to drown their sorrows the pair decide to head back into the water in order to find the camera and therefore prove the existence of the fishmen but quickly (well it only has a 70 minute running time) end up getting captured and taken to the spooky underwater lair of the eminent slick haired science guy Dr. Josef Heim (Daneen from the classic Gappa the Triphibian Monsters), an evil mastermind obsessed with turning humanity into remote controlled, crudely constructed models of Will Self made entirely of shortbread.

Sorry I mean cyborg fishmen.

MONSTA!

Ever the gracious host, Dr. Heim proceeds to give our dynamic duo a tour of the facilities even going as far as to give a demonstration of the cyborgs sophisticated control system which appears to consist of a massive knob (there seems to be a lot of them in this film) with three settings - work, rest and fight which he twiddles with glee as he makes a couple of fishmen grapple in a vaguely homoerotic manner.

Unfortunately neither Ken nor Jenny seem impressed (or even a little aroused) by this display of strength and with that Heim sends them back to their cell before skulking away for a tearful wank and a cod flavoured Pot Noodle.

Aware of the films scant running time, the pair quickly escape and decide to have a nosy around the base for a bit (mainly to admire the matte paintings on show) before being recaptured.

Well I say recaptured but in reality they just arrive in a room with a couple of dartboards on the wall where Heim just happened to be waiting and with a sigh he orders the scarily bouffanted Nurse Smallbone (Keller in her only film role outside those 'special interest' ones she did to pay her way thru' college) to take them back to their cell.

Exciting isn't a word I would use but heyho they're doing their best.

“You know that sickening feeling of inadequacy and over-exposure you feel when you look upon your own empurpled prose? Relax into the awareness that this ghastly sensation will never, ever leave you, no matter how successful and publicly lauded you become. It is intrinsic to the real business of writing and should be cherished....Now get back in the sea so I can bite you.”

Meanwhile back at the top secret naval base, distinguished science-type Dr. Russell Howard (monster movie mega star Hughes, star of everything from Destroy All Monsters to Battle In Outer Space via playing a comedy Hitler in Crazy Adventure) is suddenly grabbed by the cyborgs - which is way less painful than it sounds - and taken to the undersea base because, um reasons, where he - and Ken and Jenny - are given a chilling ultimatum: join Heim's evil empire or be turned into undersea cyborg fish folk.

Obviously they refuse and next thing you know poor Jenny is strapped to a table, her smooth shoulders on show, covered in Swarfega and sweating like Bobby Crush on an oil rig as disco lights flash all around her before passing out.

Which is probably the most erotic thing I've seen on film this year.

Sorry.

Waking in her cell Jenny soon realises that both her and Ken appear to have bits of PVA glue hastily stuck to their bodies (this, we're told is phase one of the conversion process) and quickly becomes hysterical, waving her sticky mitts in front of her face whilst grimacing and violently shaking her head.

Ken on the other (slightly less sticky) hand just gazes into the middle distance heroically.

"Warm it up in the microwave for 40 seconds and slip it in......"

If like me at this point you're beginning to miss dear old Commander Brown then fear not as he's currently shouting orders at anyone who'll listen as he valiantly searches for the missing reporters (and scientist) in a commandeered submarine whilst narrowly avoiding crashing into hundreds of discarded beer barrels labeled "Very Dangerous Atomic Waste" on the ocean floor* for some reason or another that isn't explained.

Maybe the director realised that as we were heading toward the films climax it'd be a good idea to have something - anything - exciting happen?

Just a thought.

Heim is soon alerted to the submarines presence and orders a missile strike resulting in some quality rocking back and forth acting from the cast and causing Brown to don a wet suit and clench a knife 'tween his teeth as he angrily threatens to swim over to the base and stab someone as random missiles fly out of the sea and into the sky, nearly killing Jenny and Ken's boss who is currently flying about in an old plane looking for them.

Phew.

I think I got all that down.

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just sexually aroused? Oh it's a gun, my bad."

The heroic submarine crew and the evil undersea based bastards continual shooting at each other randomly whilst scowling into camera comes to a head when a missile fired by the submarine actually hits Heim's base causing the control panel for the cyborgs to stop working and the fishmen to go bat-shit mental, throwing shapes, wanking into pot plants and attacking the crew.

Soon the entire base is filled with the sound of gunfire (and a smell of old socks and egg) as Heim's henchmen battle the cyborgs for undersea supremacy.....

Will Ken, Howard and Jenny escape?

Will they find a cure for their scabs?

Will anyone bother repairing the massive tear on the lead fishman's costume?

Will the film's final scene feature a forced laugh and comedy turn to camera?

I'm not saying.

From Hajime Sato (the film director that is, not the sustainable seafood advocate, sushi chef and certified Saké advisor I found on Twitter) - the man behind The Golden Bat, four episodes of Captain Ultra, Jûdai no âshidôri and the terrifying Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell comes this threadbare thriller that takes the very best bits of Voyage To The Bottom of The Sea and mixes it with  a smidgen of Bond style spy hijinks before adding a child's approximation of The Creature From The Black Lagoon and beating the whole thing senseless in an alley then filming the results in a warehouse full of giant Lego bricks.

Yes, it's that good.

Big drink or tiny head?

Featuring future Street Fighter and professional sexy man Sonny Chiba in the lead role, ably abetted by the absolutely adorable (and that's just her hair) Peggy Neal and Japanese junk stalwart  Andrew Hughes, the rest of the cast of ne'er do wells and never wills don't matter as the interchangeable henchmen and military types seem to spend the film either barking orders or just being barking mad as they attempt to keep a straight face as the poor sods stuff in the fishmen suits potter about trying not to knock any bits of the set over as the piss-poor plot unveils - and unravels - in front of them, but what it lacks in logic, budget or intelligence it more than makes up for by ignoring all of that and just going for it.

Which gives it the edge over modern sea-based fayre like the Kristen Stewart starrer Underwater, tho' to be honest the monsters in that were slightly better realised.

But only slightly.**

"Are you the farmer?"

But let's be honest, you kinda know what you're letting yourself in for with quality cinema like this so kick your shoes off, crack open a beer, sit back and enjoy.



And if nothing else, Peggy Neal sports a smashing blouse at one point.


Recommended.






























* Oh go on then, at the bottom of the directors bath.




**Tho' never of them hold a candle to the utterly terrifying Underwater Puppies calendar my kids insisted on buying last Christmas.

it's raining men.

People say that I cover way too much horror and sleaze on this blog and not enough films featuring large white pants.

Well it's the new year so I thought I'd change all that.

And luckily in this age of comic adaptations it just happens to be one of those too, so hopefully this'll get some kids reading in a mistaken view that this is the one-stop shop for all things Marvel/DC related.

Enjoy.

Otenki-oneesan (AKA Weather Woman 1996).
Dir: Tomoaki Hosoyama.
Cast: Kei Mizutani, Takashi Sumida, Yasuyo Shiroshima, Kunihiko Ida, Ren Osugi, Saori Taira.

Given the films title you may not be too shocked when I tell you that it is indeed the story of a female weather broadcaster, in this case it's stand in teevee weather girl Kieko Nakadai (she-ferret Kei Mizutani) who, during her first forecast, accidentally flashes her pants to the nation.
I often wished Carol Kirkwood would do the same.

You could house an entire refugee family quite comfortably in those.

Not too surprisingly ratings soar and Kieko becomes a media darling, not just in Japan but worldwide and instead of replacing regular weather girl Michiko (Teevee starlet Saori Taira) for one night, Keiko is given a permanent slot in which to flash her pants, forecast snow and the like to an adoring nation.

Why can't all films have plots this simple?

Or pant-centric?

Harsh.

Poor Michiko is relegated to hosting the hit reality TV show ‘Hentai-san, hajimemashite’ (Hello, Mr Pervert!).

Obviously angry and annoyed (tho' it's hard to tell from her acting plus I kept getting distracted by her shoulder pads) at losing the best job on teevee Michiko plots her revenge.

In between presenting stories about old men fondling strangers arses and guys in love with horses that is.

Just imagine This Morning but with smoother thighs.

Luckily for her the studio owners daughter, a French educated weather expert named Shimamori (Yasuyo Shiroshima, ultra-cute star of the fantastic BeeBop High School) also has plans to oust our heroine (who is in fact her old school rival) and, after humiliating Kieko during a live broadcast, takes over the weather slot hoping to be crowned national 'Weather Woman'.

Just. Too. Cute.

Deciding to fight back Kieko enlists the help of fellow employee and professional stalker Yamagushi (none trick pony Takashi Sumida) a creepy geek with a crush on Kieko.

Why? You may ask.

As in why does she need his help not as to why he fancies her obviously.

Well, it appears that Yamagushi owns the fabled 'Heavenly Whip' which, when used on Kieko, will grant her the power to control the worlds weather (no, I'm not making this up) enabling her to defeat Shimamori.

"Gordon's alive!"

After an extremely long (and slightly uncomfortable) scene of Kieko bound and whipped by her sweaty stalker she finally gains control over the elements and is reborn as the all powerful Weather Witch, heading over to the studio to battle Shimamori for the ultimate prize.....

Who will triumph?

And more importantly what will they be wearing?

Fair enough.

Director Tomoaki Hosoyama's first (and last) stab at mainstream success, after his 'Pinku' classic (and plea for sexual tolerance) Lesbian Colony (1987) certainly knows how to grab the audiences attention, opening the film, as he does, with Kei Mizutani masturbating furiously atop a building, which kinda gives it the edge over Suicide Squad in the comics to film stakes.

Never one to miss a trick he shows her at it again about twenty minutes in (tho' he does change the scenery by setting this saucy scene in the station toilets) and intercuts all this fiddling with an almost obscene amount of pantie flashing (I lost count after thirty), which I'll be the first to admit does detract from Kei Mizutani's nightmarish incisors and ghoulishly grotesque  pin-head.

Kirkwood, you would, I would. Twice.

What makes this movie truly bizarre tho' (as if the 'plot' wasn't enough) is that alongside the copious amounts of sexiness and fetish fantasies are serious commentaries on Japanese business culture and interpersonal relationships (no really) coupled with off the wall moments of untranslatable 'comedy' and satirical jibes at the state of television, making it slightly more schizophrenic than Norman Bates but better looking in a dress, obviously.

Comic lady.

Real lady.

Vibrant, colourful, vaguely amusing, slightly smutty yet never boring, Weather Woman is the perfect movie to entertain grannie with (or anyone with a thing for rat faced, grumpy women, uncle Jeff perhaps?) on those rainy afternoons and sits proudly at the top spot of the weather-based, underwear obsessed witchcraft movie genre.

Check the shoes.

It's just a pity that Tomoaki Hosoyama went and ruined it all with the totally unnecessary sex based (and shoulder showing) low in laughs sequel Weather Woman Returns but hey ho at least it's not New Female Teacher - Leotards of Temptation - now that is shite.

Don't worry the usual films about bad murders and the like will be back soon.

soggy biscuits.

Well as you may have noticed the last few weeks I kinda run out of SciFi stuff to review in preparation for The Rise of Skywalker and by default have blown any chances of upping my readership into double figures.

But hey, who needs readers?

It would entail having to review stuff that people actually want to see as well as probably upping the abusive email amount tenfold.

So anyway came across this searching for extra booze last night and remembered that it's become a kinda unofficial Christmas movie around here, no idea why tho'.

Might be because the girl on the cover looks like a novelty bauble.

Entrails of A Virgin (AKA Guts of A Virgin, Shojo no harawata. 1986)
Dir: Kazuo ‘Gaira’ Komizu.
Cast: Saeko Kizuki, Naomi Hagio, Megumi Kawashima, Osamu Tsuruoka, Kazuhiko Goda, Osamu Tsuruoka and Hideki Takahashi.

"それはまだでていますか？"

Welcome to mid-eighties Japan, where all the young women dress like Purdey from The New Avengers and all the guys have her haircut.

Did the local shop have a run on bowls or something?

Anyway off in the mountains just outside Kurashiki, young Rita (Kizuki, of Women in Heat Behind Bars fame) and her gal pals Kazza (Pinku no kaaten and Chokugeki! Ryôjoku-shi star Hagio) and Dave (frighteningly pointy chinned Kawashima in her only role) are busy working on a photo-shoot for top fashion and lifestyle magazine Spunkmonkey alongside famed photographer cum human hamster Ken (Tsuruoka - best known for Monzetsu!) and his assistants Alan (Katô, star of Katte ni shiyagare hey! Brother) and Gordon (Takahashi from the Sôsa keiji Chikamatsu Shigemichi movie series).

Bloody Hell that was a lot of words.

Less over the rainbow, more under it and just behind the bins.

Beginning with your average cheesy grins and shoddy swimsuit shots the whole thing soon degenerates into a sea of wet breasts, straining groins and bullet nippled naughtiness as each girl tries her best to convey the adult nature of the film.

Pity then the whole thing is backed by a cock bothering sub-standard light n' breezy jazz score.

I mean it's like trying to masturbate in a lift.

Probably.

Content with giving the (male) audience members something to fiddle over for ten minutes the merry band decide to pack up and head home in their decidedly Lego-like camper van backed by even more inappropriate cheesy listening music.

And it's these sinisterly shite sounds coupled with the male casts heady mix of untouched erections, egg stained shirts and sweat that - probably - causes a mysterious fog to rise making driving any further than the local - and deserted - community centre impossible.

Luckily tho' it's is well stocked with booze and food.

Alongside massive boxes of shaving foam and condoms.

What are the chances eh?

As my dad always said  if you want to wank over someone with the body of a 12 year old boy just get over it and find yourself an actual 12 year old boy.

Settling down for an evening of piss-weak drink, various spicy snacks and the hope of some sordid yet crisply shot arse banditry, our gleeful group gleefully get the party started, unaware that they're being stalked from the bushes by a muck encrusted someone - or something - that's less than human.

A something with a penis the size of a large baby.

A large baby with a really pronounced spine.

And a massive head.

"Paging Mr. Herman..."

Back at the community centre (did we ever really leave?) things are hotting up with Alan and Kazza indulging in a bout of underpant wrestling whilst a very sweaty Ken decides to try out his smooth seduction techniques on Rita.

For anyone that's interested in trying these techniques for themselves next time you're out they involve violently licking your (preferably huge) sausage fingers and forcing them up a ladies skirt.

Whilst  dribbling.

Surprisingly Rita actually seems impressed.

I obviously hang about the wrong type of places.

What your girlfriend gets up to on her 'college' night.

Meanwhile in the bushes, the beast man watches intently.

As the party starts to wind down and our loved up losers start to go their separate ways  (for more sex obviously) the big bollocked brute strikes, murdering the group one by one.

For the men it's beheadings and impailings but for the women it's death by demonic dong.

Who will survive unscathed?

"Put it in me!"

Good old Kazuo Komizu, not content with nicknaming himself after a 1960's flesh eating movie monster and writing the screenplays to literally dozens of top drawer erotic thrillers (everything from Female Market to Go! Go! to the criminally under-rated Second Time Virgin), he decided -  whilst midway thru' his second decade as a writer - to re-invent himself as Japan's answer to Joe D'amato creating as he did a brand new genre that consisted of (very) short movies containing nothing but arse, tits and sexual violence.

Pure, unadulterated exploitational sleaze for the bedroom bound, masturbation obsessed masses.

And for that at least we should be grateful.

I think.

Jeremy Beadles final wish.

It's scary to think that back in the dim and distant 80's that you could be arrested, stoned and then hung for even thinking about this movie because when viewed today it's all rather quaint with it's rough as road surfacing actresses, gore effects that look like they were conceived by a hook-handed child, comedic non-acting from the men - all nail biting and worried frowns - topped off with the most unattractive cum faces since you accidentally came across you mum and dad at it on the sofa that New Year when you were a small boy.

Obviously tho' neither of them were masturbating with a severed arm.

Cheerfully cheap and nasty (a wee bit like your wee sister) and with the greatest comedy cock this side of Boogie Nights - honestly, what's not to love?

amoeba joe.

OK I survived turning 50 and seeing as the majority of my gifts were either Ultraman* or Kaiju based I thought I'd wind down after a hard days work yesterday with this classic.....



Space Amoeba (AKA ゲゾラ・ガニメ・カメーバ 決戦！南海の大怪獣, Gezora Ganime Kamēba Kessen!, Giant Monsters of the South Seas - 1970).
Dir: Ishiro Honda.
Cast: Akira Kubo, Atsuko Takahashi, Yukiko Kobayashi, Kenji Sahara, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Tetsu Nakamura, Yu Fujiki, Noritake Saito, Yuko Sugihara, Sachio Sakai Chotaro Togin, Wataru Omae, Ichiro Murakoshi, Haruo Nakajima and
Haruyoshi Nakamura.

Twice the monsters! Twice the terror!!!!

In a futuristic utopia where Lego has replaced concrete when it comes to construction work and a surplus of giant washing-up liquid bottles have been bought by NASA the unmanned space-probe Helios 7 has been dispatched to Jupiter for reasons best known to the scriptwriter and no-one else.

But let's be honest who needs a half decent plot when you can spend time wondering why an unmanned probe has windows and a cockpit?

Oh yes and a really large silver bell-end attached to the front.

Anyway a few months into the mission (which takes up literally ooh minutes of screen time, I mean come on there are monsters to meet) a glitter-based alien entity possesses the spacecraft and turns it back toward the earth.

A short while later we're introduced to our hero for the next 90 minutes, the exotically behatted and frightfully drunk photojournalist for hire Taro Kudo (Kubo from Destroy All Monsters, Godzilla vs. Monster Zero and Urutora Q amongst others) who, drowning his sorrows after an unsuccessful fashion shoot in Brighton, spots the returning spacecraft crash-landing into the ocean from the window of the plane he's traveling on.

Apologies  for the clunkiness of that last sentence but it doesn't matter how hard I try it still comes across really weirdly stilted.

A wee bit like the movie.

It's like 2001 never happened.

Desperate for a story, Kudo excitedly tells his editor what he saw only to be told he's talking utter bollocks before being sent off to cover the local dog show but luckily on the way he's accosted by the button-nosed , big bonnet-ed beauty Ayako Hoshino (Takahashi - Destroy All Monsters), tourism troubleshooter for the real sounding yet entirely fictional Asia Development Company.

It appears that the company are planning to build a luxury hotel complex on the idyllic Sergio Island and want to hire Kudo to take some photos of the local fauna and flora for the brochure.

Obviously being a man of action the thought of photographing trees doesn't really excite him until that he realises that the island in question is not only rumoured to be the home of a giant monster but also exactly where he saw the Helios 7 crashland.

So, along with Ayako and the equally behatted biologistic Dr. Kyoichi Miya (Tsuchiya best known for Bara No Soretsu, Kurosawa's Seven Samurai and yes, Destroy All Monsters as well as for his research into UFOs), Kudo packs his bags and gets set to travel to Sergio Island safe in the knowledge that being the most attractive guy in the movie he'll have no trouble charming his way into Ayako's kick-flared jumpsuit.

Hat.

Unfortunately his flirty deck-based chat is interrupted by the arrival of the mysterious - and mysteriously bearded - 'social anthropologist Makoto Obata (cult Kaiju star and part-time desert Sahara, who not only appeared in more Gojira movies than anyone else but was also a regular in Ultraman, which makes him a god in this house), who for all the world comes across as a slightly more sinister Japanese Rolf Harris which adds a totally new layer to the film and one I doubt the makers intended.

And so the trio sit and chat uncomfortably waiting for Dr. Miya to turn up, partly to order dinner but mainly to move the plot on a wee bit.

Meanwhile on Sergio island, Gavin the project manager (Fujiki from The Hidden Fortress and King Kong vs. Godzilla) and his portly pal Yokoyama (Togin from you guessed it Destroy All Monsters) have decided to sneak off to a hidden cove to go fishing and maybe, just maybe have a wee kiss and cuddle but unfortunately before any of this can happen a huge octopus named Gezora and with a head shaped like a freshly circumcised penis with two googly eyes attached - appears from the sea and eats Gavin whilst Yokoyama looks on in terror.

Well I say terror but it's more  akin to mild apathy.

Luckily before he can get scoffed too he's saved by an appearance by the local tribal elder - and council estate Brian Blessed - Onbo (Nakamura from The Manster) and his trusty sidekick Rico (Godzilla vs. Gigan's boss-eyed beefcake Saito) who after giving him a stern telling off head back to the village for tea and crumpets.

"Eye son!"

As a new day dawns our fantastic foursome arrive on the island to be greeted by a very grumpy - or is that stilted? - Rico and a jumpy and jittery Yokoyama who, after begrudgingly popping their luggage in a jeep take the group to a nearby cave to begin surveying stuff.

Or something.

But there's no time to worry about that tho' because as soon as Ayako gets out of the jeep she's fainting at the sight of a turtle, sprayed grey and with bits of eggbox shoddily stuck to him, crawling thru' the grass.

This creature may become important later.

Luckily these fairly tedious cave-based musings are cut short when a bright blue light in a rockpool freaks the shit out of Yokoyama who runs away before driving into the jungle with Rico in tow and hiding out in a nearby potting shed.

But his post traumatic tearful wank is disturbed by good old Gezora appearing from behind an albeit rather large tree and smashing everything, leaving poor Yokoyama crushed under a pile of old Razzle mags and Rico spread-eagled behind a bush.

"Is it in yet?"

Being a fairly short film it's not long before the rest of the group discover not only the devastation but also a by now conscious Rico, soaked in his own piss, shivering in a state of shock and suffering from bizarre patches of frostbite caused by Gezora's nippy tentacles.

This is because Gezora is a cold water creature and because he's so big he's colder than normal or something.

Being a girl Ayako starts to cry, worried that the beast will return and eat her whole - tho' as regular readers know it will most likely spit that bit out.

Dr. Miya on the other - less withered - hand, has no time for such girlie reactions and sternly accuses Ayako of being horribly monsterphobic.

Because being terrified that a fucking huge octopus is going to tear you limb from limb is in no way a normal reaction obviously.

Anyway this conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Rico's dusky lover (their description) Saki (Kobayashi - who once had her photo taken with Gojira and, would it surprise you to know, was also in Destroy All Monsters?) who kindly offers to let everyone stay in the village rather than sleep in the wreckage of the shed.

Which is nice.

But whilst all this native-based niceness is going on, Obata sneakily steals the company's hotel development plans from the wrecked shed.

Yup, he's an evil spy working for a rival holiday firm.

No, really.

Luckily for the team he's actually a really shit spy and Kudo spots his attempts to hide the documents up his arse and challenges him to a naked bunfight, Obata knowing that he'd be beaten proposes instead that they work together to find a way to beat the beast and get off the island so with a handshake the pair settle their differences and everyone heads off to bed.

Except Rico that is, he's in the corner dribbling and playing with his own shit, poor guy.

"Oh no....it's the Ninky Nonk!"

The next morning, Kudo and Miya decide to go scuba-diving in order to find the Helios 7 capsule but are almost immediately (again) attacked by Gezora but are able to escape when a school of porpoises come to their rescue.

But as they reach the shore they realise that Gezora is in hot pursuit.

Luckily the villagers are on the beach having a barbecue and Kudo notices that The angry beast recoils from the flames due to its aforementioned low body temperature so to this end our heroes decide to torch the fucker using some handy petrol canisters that Onbo keeps under his bed for emergencies.

Stomping the village and tossing its inhabitants around like the rag dolls they obviously are all seems lost until a well place torch singes Gezora's arse and the creature retreats to the ocean to die.

As everyone celebrates the creatures demise they are unaware that below the surface the glittery space amoeba that had possessed Gezora is already on the hunt for a new body.

"Spice Girls number one for Christmas....Monsta!"

As the partying continues Kudo goes on the hunt for extra boozer and soon stumbles across a WWII Japanese army weapons cache in an old shed.

Which is kinda lucky seeing as the space amoeba has possessed a crab - named Ganimes - which, unusually for crustaceans, is the size of a house.

And is also currently heading their way.

Kudo, being used to fighting giant monsters by this point leads Ganimes into a nearby pit before shooting it in the eyes and blowing it up with a pile of dynamite that just happened to be lying about in an old bin bag.

Result.

As everyone starts to celebrate again poor Obata, realising that he has no chance of pulling Ayako - especially after Koda has killed to big beasts decides to leave everyone to it, stealing a boat and attempting to row back to Japan.

Unfortunately as he's busy blowing up the rubber dingy the amoeba crawls up his leg and possesses him before informing him - and us -  that it plans to conquer the Earth and that his body will make it easier to infiltrate human society.

Albeit only the parts that involve looking like a pedo painter obviously.

"Can you tell me what it is yet?"

Back at what's left of the village Dr Miya is busying himself examing Ganimes' remains and determines that the creature grew to its monstrous size due to the aliens influence, tho' this doesn't explain how Gezora came to be so huge to begin with seeing as the islanders have worship him for years and that the alien has just turned up but let's not worry about such trivial plot points as Rico has just regained his senses and is eager to inform everyone that the amoebas control of the creatures can be thwarted by the ultrasonic sounds made by the islands bat population.

Oh and by the porpoises too.

And with that he gets down on one knee and proposes to Saki.

Which is kinda sweet but fairly unexpected if I'm honest.

But what the hell let's go with it.

"Wrong hole!"

Now having an excuse to spend quality time alone, Kudo and Ayako head off to search for the bats lair unaware that yet another monster - this time a giant turtle (told you it'd be important) called Kamoebas - is sneakily stalking them.

As the creature draws ever nearer the pair finally come across the bats cave only to discover that Obata has beaten them to it and stands ready to burn the bats (to death) with a handy box of matches he found in Yokoyama's pocket earlier.....

Will our heroes defeat the space amoeba or be torn limb from limb by the giant turtle?

Will that crab re-animate for no reason other than to allow it and the turtle to start kicking the shit out of each other?

Will the crab at one point drop kick the turtle and start pretending to play the drums on his tummy?

Will the until now not mentioned island volcano erupt?

Will any of this actually make sense?

With an opening stolen from - sorry 'inspired' by -  Nigel Kneale's The Quatermass Experiment you might be confused into thinking that you're about to view a high-brow sci-fi epic but the cinematic genius that was Ishiro Honda, (director of the original Gojira and father - alongside SFX wizard Eiji Tsuburaya - of the Kaiju genre) has other ideas - albeit ones that are solely based on toy sales - so instead creates this whack 'em bash 'em bit of brilliantly bonkers bollocks that encapsulates everything we hold dear regarding the Japanese giant monster genre.

And whilst it'll probably never make anyone's Kaiju top ten it's mad enough - and short enough - to be a pain-free way to waste 90 odd minutes.

Plus it finally answers the age old question, what would an octopus looked like if it walked on two of its legs.

And if that isn't enough, name another monster movie that has the balls to stop halfway thru' for a wedding scene just so one of the characters can be happy enough to explain the plot.

Exactly.

TOY!

Everything you'd expect from a Kaiju caper - the ubiquitous tropical island setting, the mixed bag of bizarrely jobbed characters thrown together (in this case a fashion photographer, the obligatory science type and a spy) alongside a screaming girl whose only job is to flutter her eyelashes at the hero, face-painted 'natives', alien invaders and a collection of ever more ludicrously explained beasts alongside some vague ecological themes - are present and correct whilst the score from the legendary Akira (Gojira) Ifukube is never anything other than epic.

Yes it's (fairly) cheap looking by today's standards and the dubbing - at least on this version which sounds at times like the cast of a community centre panto who've just learned how to speak - is absolutely atrocious but look passed the obvious shortcomings and you're in for a treat.

Or at least a very guilty pleasure.

ABBA - The Brexit years.

As ever, Ishirô Honda's direction is fantastic, the cast are, well just there really whilst the special effects are exactly how you remember/imagine them with colorful matte work and a myriad of miniatures just begging to be stomped intercut with a trade-mark studio bound feel that is at once homely and strangely high-concept, almost as if the makers wanted to make everything deliberately unreal and comic book-like.

Or is that just me reading too much into a genre I've unapologetically loved since boyhood.

You decide.

Not as famous or as well loved as its Kaiju companions, Space Amoeba is well deserving of a re-evaluation.

As is Kenji Sahara's fashion choices.

Go on, I mean what have you to lose?

Not your dignity obviously, I mean you read this blog.

Go on, stop what you're doing and watch it now.

You can thank me later.



















































*Including probably THE coolest lamp ever.....Check it out: