in living colour*.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Super 8 and Spanish style!

*That's 'color' for any American 'readers'.

video naschy.

I love Paul Naschy.

I love Maria Kosti.

I love corpses.

But scarily I've never had an opinion on dragonflies.

Rewatched this gem last night and realised that the review of it from years back has only been looked at twice so I'm reposting it in the hope that someone might actually read it.

I wont say too much about it tho' because:

A. I don't want to give too much away.

B. I'll make it sound shit.

but more importantly

C. I really can't be arsed.

Enjoy.

A Dragonfly For Each Corpse (AKA Una libélula para cada muerto, Red Killer, 1974).
Dir: León Klimovsky.
Cast: Paul Naschy, Erika Blanc, Eduardo Calvo, Ángel Aranda, Antonio Mayans, Maria Kosti, Ricardo Merino, José Canalejas, Rafael Albaicín, Susana Mayo and Maria Vidal (not the one that sang Body Rock).

Welcome to the  fashion capital of the world, - tho' you wouldn't guess that from the state of the ties and collars -  the groovy city of Milan where a mentalist murderer clad in a ladies raincoat and massive red flares that are oh so slightly too short is busy ridding the city of what they term as 'undesirables'.

You know the types, monkey-faced junkies, various dirty ladies and skinny bearded men in big white pants who are dispatched using a variety of implements ranging from ceremonial swords to umbrellas with sharpened tips.

Which is nice.

But with this being a Giallo (as opposed to a common or garden slasher) the killer - by law - must leave a bizarre clue cum calling card which in this case is a shoddy dragonfly broach which appears to have been made by the producers hook handed blind child.

BBBBZZZZZ!!!!

Leading the investigation is girdle-wearing, bewigged bad boy of the old bill Inspector Paolo Scaporella (the legend that is Paul Naschy) - mustached machoman who loves nothing better than slapping perverts whilst chewing on a big cigar.

Oh yes, and cooking spaghetti whilst wearing a pink apron.

As the corpses pile up (tho' not literally mind) Paolo soon realises - with the help of his gorgeously ginger missis Silvana (The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave's Blanc) and their group of high society dinner party pals (which appears to include Jess Franco's evil twin) that all the victims are members of the cities criminal underworld and that the dragonfly is an ancient symbol used to denote bad people.

And whores obviously.

Blood on mah thigh!

As is the way with these films tho' it appears that many of their 'friends' have their own dark secrets which means that any one of them could be the next victim.

Or even the killer.

With a head full of conjecture and half-arsed theories, Paolo finally discovers a clue, it seems that one of the victims put up a wee bit of a struggle tearing a massive 'fashion' button from the killers coat so our hero enlists the help of his Kaftan-clad, haute couture homosexualist designer friend, Vittorio to try and track down the button's owner.

No, really.

But with the killer aware of Paolo's plan and Silvana taking to studying crime scene photos in the nude it's a race against time and good taste (plus a gang of biker neo-Nazis) to find the killer before there's no-one in the cast left to kill.

Or any viewers left to care.

Title.

Obviously bored with being stuck inside a furry suit 24 hours a day when making Waldemar Daninsky werewolf movies Paul Naschy decided to try a different tact  with A Dragonfly For Each Corpse and emulate the erotically charged Giallo's spewing forth from Italy at that time.

Well it was either that or he fancied a free holiday to Milan.

The result is, shall we say interesting.

George and Mildred: The Yewtree years.

Tho' nowhere near as polished or as accomplished as it's Italian counterparts Dragonfly is still a load of fun, partly due to the always watchable Naschy (and his mighty man breasts) alongside genre stalwarts Erika Blanc and Maria Kosti (or Kosty as she's credited here) but mainly because of the sheer amount of early seventies fashions on show.

Especially the ties.

No, really there are kipper ties, crotch covering paisley ties, ones with squared off edges and some so thin you'd mistake them for a hunger striker.

It's like a down at heel charity shop made flesh.

Add to that an arse end sixties style score, a stripper clad only in a crotched doily lounging in a coffin, Erika Blanc's tan lines, a group of geriatric Nazi boot boys and a climax featuring Naschy chasing a bandy legged transvestite thru' a kiddies playpark and you have all the elements needed for a top night in.

Recommended.

bridezilla.

Happy 2020 all - well as a happy as a new year can be when the President of the United States is threatening war in the Middle East and Doctor Who is hemorrhaging fans quicker than a really quick thing.

Doctor Who yesterday....or is that tomorrow?

At least the Mark Gatiss/Steven Moffatt re-imagining of Dracula (you know the one with the cleaning product in it) has been pretty good so far.

And not just because of Molly Wells frankly fantastic turn as Agatha Van Helsing.

So in tribute let's start 2020 as we mean to go on, with a wee bit of the vampirism and a whole lot of the lesbianism.

Oh yeah and that woman out of The Champions naked for a scuba mask.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you.....



The Blood Spattered Bride (AKA The Bloody Bride. 1972).
Dir: Vicente Aranda.
Cast: Simón Andreu, Maribel Martín, Alexandra Bastedo, Dean Selmier, Rosa Rodriguez, Montserrat Julio and Angel Lombarte.

"They'll come back. They cannot die!"

The lovely librarian-like Susan (La cera virgen star Martin) and her unnamed (onscreen) husband - who for the duration of this review we will call Bob (Andreu from Amando de Ossorio's classic Night of the Sorcerers which I really should review at some point) are speeding thru' the Spanish countryside en route to the honeymoon hotel after just getting married where they'll spend a few days holed up for some rumpy pumpy before heading to Bob’s family estate, a massive castle which he's not visited for many a year.

Which is always the way in these films.
Arriving at the hotel Bob tells Susan to head straight up to the room while he 'puts the car in the garage' - which isn't a euphemism I'm afraid - and Susan, being a wee bit wet, nods her head and does as she's told.

Ah it was a more innocent time.

And by innocent I mean slightly sexist obviously.

Hanging her clothes up in the wardrobe she's surprised when a man with a stocking on his head jumps out and after smothering her with her veil, tears off her clothes and begins to ravish her.

Which I must admit was fairly unexpected.

Suddenly Bob enters the room to Susan sitting on the bed in an undamaged dress, looking as though she's just farted and followed thru'.

“I don’t want to stay here, I don’t like this hotel.” She says.

Phew, it was all in her head.

As opposed to all in the wardrobe obviously.

Paddington.

Anyway 10 minutes in and we've had the first breast reveal - to prove this is an artsy vampire film obviously - so with that out of the way we can get on with the pesky plot as Bob packs up and takes Susan to his castle where she meets his - again nameless - servants/housekeepers (Lombarte from The Killer with a Thousand Eyes, and Horror Rises from the Tomb's Julio) as well as their 12-year-old daughter Carol (Rodriguez), who all take to her straight away.

Possibly because they were worried that being a castle owning rich bloke he was more interested in deflowering Carol than meeting someone his own age.

Just me then?

Fair enough.

This is probably really symbolic of something or other but I'm too thick to know. Sorry.

Retiring to the bedroom that evening Bob is surprised to find that Susan wants him to undress her (lazy cow) but when he happily obliges by tearing at her flimsy lace gown with his sweaty sausage fingers (tho' leaving her massive granny pants intact) she lies there in shock as visions of the  masturbatory hallucinatory fantasy she had in the hotel fill her mind.

Guilty pleasures or an ominous sense of things to come?

Who can say cos by this point Susan's slight mentalism is showing in other ways as she begins to see a beautiful, blonde girl in a lavender dress roaming the estate.

And she's sure she's seen this woman before.

Spooky.

Possibly the most erotically librarian based outfit I have seen for quite some time. That is all.

Bored and wandering the house to look for things to dust (as women do) Susan soon notices that every one of the family portraits adorning the walls of the castle are of men and inquisitively asks Carol the reason why.

Because it's easier to ask a small child about your husbands family history than your actual hubbie obviously.

As it turns out it's quite an interesting story - well more interesting than the main plot anyway - you see all the portraits of the ladies were stashed in the cellar by order of her husband’s granddad after he caught his wife having sex with the postman.

Which is fair enough I guess.

One portrait in particular intrigues Susan tho and that's the one of a blonde woman in a lavender dress, caressing an ornate dagger in one hand whilst wearing four massive inverted rings on the other.

It'd destroy you just thinking about a hand job.

The strangest thing about the painting tho' is the fact that the face has been cut out just like one of those novelty 'Kiss Me Quick' stand-ups you used to get at the seaside.

This it transpires is Bob's totally bonkers great aunt Mircalla Karstein who a century back, killed her husband on their wedding night as he attempted to do something very naughty to her.

Tho' they don't tell us what.

Anyway it was said that Mircalla was discovered the next morning sprawled across the bed with her nightie up around her neck next to her husband’s mutilated corpse in a deathly trance-like state but as it was a Sunday and the local doctor was out fishing the family decided to have bury her next to her hubbie to save time and any uncomfortable chat when she awoke.

And on that note Bob takes Susan to the tomb where she's buried in order to crack open the coffin and show her the bones.

What a romantic devil.

"Laugh now!"

And with that Susan's dreams about the mysterious blonde become much more vivid.

Like you're surprised?

From imagining Mircalla giving her the dagger from the painting to dreaming about touching Mircalla's breasts (well it is European), Susan becomes more and more distraught as the nightmarish visions continue and the situation isn't helped when she discovers the dagger under her pillow one morning.

As is the way everyone is quick to blame Carol who unfortunately doesn't get spanked with a slipper, instead she's tutted at and sent to her room whilst Bob goes off to bury the blade in the garden.

It's like a particularly drugged up episode of Neighbours if I'm honest.

But the dreams don't stop and the next night Susan imagines Mircalla leading her to the grandfather clock in the hall, opening it to reveal the dagger before taking Susan back to the bedroom  where the pair stab Bob to death with it before removing his heart.

And his pants.

"Put it in me!"

In order to prove that the dreams are nothing but the result of a fragile female imagination Bob takes Susan to the clock to prove it but is fairly surprised to see that the dagger is in fact inside and with this he storms of to see the family doctor (Selmier) for some advice.

After listening to Bob whiter on for hours the doctor decides that Susan is suffering from a malaise often found in recently deflowered women and prescribes bubble baths and snuggles before warning Bob that if the treatment doesn't work they will have to lock her up.

That's the 70s for you.

As Susan gets more and more grumpy, rejecting not only her husbands advances but also his offers of warm, milky tea leaving Bob no alternative but to head off to the local secluded beach for a tearful wank and a ham sandwich.

Oh and to rebury the dagger obviously.

And it's there that things begin to get really odd.

Or ludicrous, take your pick.

You see, as Bob finishes burying the blade (ooeerr) he notices not only the top of a snorkel protruding from the sand a few feet away from him but also a human hand.

Quickly heading over he starts to frantically dig away around the snorkel soon uncovering a buxom blonde (Bastedo, from The Champions), totally naked save for the diving mask and a set of huge poundshop rings which she wears palm side in on her left hand.

Thanking Bob for digging her up she introduces herself as Carmilla (only one name a bit like Shakira or Billie) and explains that she'd fallen asleep sunbathing after a wee bit of scuba-diving and must have been buried when the tide came in.

Totally accepting this explanation Bob offers the nude woman a lift to the castle where she can borrow some clothes and maybe get a bite to eat.

Sounds legit.

You're welcome.

Unable to remember anything but her own name, Susan and Bob have no choice but to look after Carmilla till she regains her memory - which she appears to be trying to get back by sleeping in a makeshift coffin all day then parading around the house after dark in low cut dresses whilst licking her lips everytime Susan walks by.

Which is fairly enjoyable to watch but probably not to live with.

As you can imagine all this bouncy breast activity has a bit of a negative effect  on Susan, who gradually falls under Carmilla's spell and begins to partake in late night trysts with the mysterious stranger in the woods much to Bob's chagrin.

Standing up for himself he insists that their new houseguest gets a job to help with the bills and Carmilla (surprisingly) agrees applying for - and getting - a post at the local school teaching biology to Carol and her classmates.

Especially the bits about blood.

Between teaching teens and teasing troubled tottie Carmilla feeds Susan’s barely suppressed hatred for her husband whilst feeding on Susan's blood late at night in the old church where Mircalla is buried.

It's all go isn't it?

Worried for his wife's sanity - and frustrated that Carmilla is getting more action than he is - he calls on the doctor (not that one) to investigate and after a few evenings following the pair around he comes across the pair in a saucy sapphic situation, curled up naked in a Habitat sofa coffin in the church.

The office Secret Santa got stranger every year.

With her lesbian lusts discovered Carmilla decides the time is right to rid herself of the meddling menfolk around her so that she can have Susan all to herself....

From Spanish arthouse auteur, director, screenwriter and producer Vicente Aranda comes this slow burning take on J. Sheridan Le Fanu's 1872 Gothic novella of Carmilla that owes more to Jean Rollin's Shiver of the Vampires (released the previous year) than it does Hammer's kinky Karnstein trilogy.

Which is kinda disappointing but heyho.

I mean The Vampire Lovers has Madeline Smith in it so wins just for that fact alone. 

But whereas Rollin rebelled against such outdated notions as coherent plotting, casting actual actors  and Hammer concentrated solely on Ingrid Pitts admittedly stunning cleavage, Aranda - due in part to the draconian censorship laws regarding nudity on film during the Franco era - seems more interested in exploring Catholic guilt and sexual repression mixed in with a wee bit of social commentary regarding the treatment of women in 70s Spain.

Which is a worthy cause if not a wholly satisfying one when the poster promises blood, boobs and that woman from The Champions seducing a petite brunette.

Plus it's pretty difficult to criticize something when you're bound by its rules.

And even he admitted that the countries censorship issues  caused problems for him, especially when shooting Carmilla's demise.

But at least he tried, his earlier works Fata Morgana and The Exquisite Cadaver go someway to proving that.

"I can see your house from here Peter".

 

Luckily he has a cast that can carry the movie - even at it's most bizarre/ludicrous - delete as applicable - moments, from Maribel Martín's neurotically nervous young bride to Simón Andreu's condescendingly creepy hubby, every member of the films small cast gives it their all but most surprising of all is Alexandra Bastedo's seriously underplayed Carmilla.

For those of us used to the voluptuous vamps of Hammer or the council estate, dirt footed Rollin rascals Bastedo is a revelation, coldly calculating with a performance that is perfectly pitched 'tween boredom and bonkers.

Definitely leaning more toward classy vamp than saucy tramp she even manages to look otherworldly and aloof when clad only in a pair of goggles and buried in a kids sandpit.

I see your dad's taking the divorce well.

Go in expecting a feast of blood soaked girl on girl titillation and you'll be heartily disappointed but if you switch off your sleaze-radar and settle back for something a wee bit more refined you'll discover a wee gem of a movie that whilst nowhere near as great as Daughters of Darkness is an entertaining enough way to spend an evening.

Bizarrely enough tho' if you take this, The Vampire Lovers and Shiver of The Vampire and stick them in a blender you'd probably get the perfect Carmilla adaptation.

Maybe one day.

rectacular!

So that's it.

The final entry in this years 31 days of horror.

And as this was originally written for Andy Ross' Millennium Monsters Magazine (copies still available from Amazon) I'll apologize for the lack of childish comments and semi-serious tone.

I was given a maximum 'laugh now/shite in mah mooth' quota that I had to stick to.

Enjoy.

For the uninitiated (and new readers/viewers of quality European cinematic fayre) it may come as a surprise to find that as far as scary cinema goes Spain has always been a horrific hotbed of talent.

From Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead saga to Jorge Grau's seminal zombie shocker The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue via the wacky world of Paul Naschy and the genius that is Antonio Mercero's La Cabina the countryside around Barcelona seems to have always been overflowing with sun, sangria and screams.

And in the case of Paul Naschy lots of top heavy actresses in too tight corsets.

And seeing as this is All Hallow's Eve and a time of Devilish delights I'm finishing up this years 31 days of horror with a - massive - overview of what is probably my favourite horror series outside The Evil Dead, a film series that gave new life not only to the found footage genre but added a whole new method and mythology to the possession flick.

As well as introducing the wider world to probably the best cover version of Eloise ever.

But for those of you still unfamiliar with the series, here's a quick recap....

[REC] (2007, Spain).
Dir: Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza.
Cast: Manuela Velasco, Ferrán Terraza, Jorge-Yamam Serrano, Pablo Rosso, David Vert, Vicente Gil, Martha Carbonell and Carlos Vicente.

Button-nosed TV reporter Ángela (Velasco) alongside her faithful cameraman Pablo (Rosso), are recording an episode of their hit reality show While You're Sleeping from one of Barcelona's fire stations, alas so far all the footage seems to be of firefighters sleeping.



Which doesn't really make for good TV.



Luckily - for them and us - the firehouse receives a call regarding an old woman, trapped screaming in her apartment so our dynamic duo decide to accompany two of Barcelona's finest firefolk, Álex and Manu (Vert and Terraza) as they head off to help.



Quickly arriving at the scene (well the film only has a 72 minute running time) our intrepid group find two police officers in waiting who hurriedly show them to the woman's apartment.



Upon entering tho' (the apartment that is not the old woman) the poor dear becomes increasingly aggressive lunging at the officers and biting one in the throat.



Which is kinda unusual as I usually find that older women don't usually start the biting till you've at least bought them dinner.

She'll never fit that lollypop in her mouth in one go.

Leaving Alex upstairs to watch over the by now subdued old lady the rest of our (not so) merry band carry the prone officer downstairs soon coming across the building's residents huddled worriedly in the lobby.



It seems that during the interim the local police alongside the military have sealed off the building, trapping them all inside.



The quiet panic soon gives over to loud hysteria tho' when Alex  is thrown over the staircase railings landing in a bloody heap in the middle of the lobby soon followed by the by now blood drenched and deranged old woman who runs screaming down the stairs and into the lobby in an attempt to chow down on her neighbours.



Luckily the remaining officer - Joven - manages to shoot her before she can eat too many of them.



Well as far as reality TV goes it beats an episode of The Force: Manchester so far seeing as that only ever seems to feature overweight balding Bobbies chastising wee ned boys for pissing up pub walls.



Maybe the producers should add a bit of cannibalism to that to spice things up?



Just a thought.



Anyway back to the matter at hand where Ángela and Pablo decide that the best thing to do in the situation is to interview the residents as to what's been occurring.



Well they do have an hour TV slot to fill.



Unfortunately the terrified chat is constantly interrupted by the throaty coughing and constant sniffing emanating from the corner of the hall where a cutesy wee girl named Jennifer is cuddled up to her worried mum.



According to her mum the crying and coughing is due to a bad case of tonsillitis and the fact that she's missing her pet dog Max, who is away at the vet due to having a cough too.



Sounds legit.

"Chase me now!"

Moving everyone to the relative safety of a textile workroom attached to the building the group are surprised when a local council health inspector - decked in a full Hazmat suit - enters the building just a a few of the residents start snarling and drooling.



Locking them in the workroom the rest beat a hasty retreat back to the lobby.



It's all go isn't it?



Seeing as we're at the halfway point with absolutely no idea what's causing all this madness our health board buddy kindly explains that the block is in lockdown due to an outbreak of a virus similar to rabies that has been traced back to a dog in that very building.



Ángela (and the rest of the folk present) realises that he's talking about Jennifer's pet and the angry crowd soon turn of the poor girl and her mum for answers.



Before the situation gets too out of hand tho' Jennifer suddenly pukes blood all over her mum's face before legging it upstairs.



Kids eh?



Handcuffing the poor woman to the banister, Joven, Manu and Pablo (alongside Angela) give chase only to be jumped by Jennifer who takes a chunk out of Joven's arm before scurrying off into a closet.



Begging them to leave him and attempt to escape our terrified trio discover that the infected folk they locked in the workroom have escaped and are currently chasing everyone else upstairs.

"Are you the farmer?"

Much chaos, screaming and biting ensues and the group are forced to flee forever upwards till only Pablo and Angela are left uninfected and trapped in the apartments seemingly deserted penthouse flat where they discover a tape recording that may hold the secret to what's happening.



Now pay attention, here's the science part.



And it's either utter genius or total toffee depending on which side of loving great films you fall.



You see it appears that the penthouse was owned by a mysterious arm of The Vatican and used for secret research into demonic possession.



The priest in charge of the project had come to the conclusion that there was in fact a biological cause for it that could be neutralized by isolating a certain enzyme found in the brain of the 'possessed'.



Sounds pretty solid so far.



Coming across a possessed girl named Nina Medeiros, he abducted her and kept her prisoner in the penthouse in the name of God's work, unfortunately during this time he discovered that the enzyme had mutated and become viral.



The priest in a fit of panic sealed poor Nina in the penthouse in the hope that she - and the virus - would die.
 
Using their cameras night vision filter the pair investigate further soon finding a sealed door which they attempt to open, not noticing the twisted figure hiding in the shadows.



Nina, still alive but now blind, hideously scared from botched experiments and horribly emaciated and kept alive by pure demonic energy is awake and searching for food and it looks like Pablo is today's starter.



Quickly overpowering him with her unnatural strength Angela can only cower in horror as her colleague is killed.



Grabbing the camera Ángela attempts to sneak out of the penthouse but trips over Pablo's body and drops the camera.



It continues to record as Nina slowly looms over Ángela and drags her screaming into the darkness.....

There seemed to be a bit of a renaissance for EuroHorror at the arse end of the noughties what with the releases of Ils (2006), The Orphanage (2007) and Let the Right One In (2008) amongst others but for sheer terror and good old fashioned scares you'd be hard put to beat  [REC] - the lo-fi/high concept chiller that spawned a trio of sequels, an American remake and gave us a horror heroine to rival Jamie Lee Curtis (and Bruce Campbell)  in Manuela Velasco's Angela.



Smart and scary with a perfect cast, a clever, seemingly spontaneous (and humorous)  script and a runtime that means it never outstays its welcome [REC] is a virtual text book on how to do the found footage genre correctly.

Manuela Velasco - button nosed perfection.

Cleverly casting its cinematographer Pablo Rosso as a co-star means that the footage has a confidently slick and professional feel to it that adds so much to the films the realistic approach, shots that seem clichéd in many other films of this type (lenses being covered, cameras dropped or hazy out of focus figures) are framed in such a way as to add an almost classic cinema verite style to the whole thing that directors Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza use to slowly unveil  hints as to the true nature of the horror unfolding - never letting the scant running time hurry them along the pair tease out the tales backstory thru' a series of unrelated events, from the throwaway mention of the sick dog and the mysterious owner of the penthouse to rumors of a girl who once may have lived there, with almost surgical precision and perverse delight.



This is horror as art in the truest sense, existing for no other reason that to scare.






And scare it does.



But could a sequel match it?









[REC] 2 (2009, Spain).
Dir: Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza.
Cast: Manuela Velasco, Jonathan Mellor, Oscar Sánchez Zafra, Ariel Casas, Alejandro Casaseca, Pablo Rosso, Andrea Ros, Àlex Batllori, Pau Poch and Claudia Silva.

Investigating the outbreak a heavily armed bio-hazard team led by the enigmatic Dr. Owen (Mellor) is sent into the apartment building to assess and ultimately control the situation.



It's not long tho' before one of the team is bitten and infected but bizarrely  Owen doesn't shoot the unfortunate fellow but binds him in a room using only a set of rosary beads and a strange religious mantra.



Yup it turns out that Owen is actually a combat trained, Satan baiting priest sent by the Vatican to recover the research material regarding Nina Medeiros.



Oh yes and a vial of her blood.



Because, um, reasons.



Entering the penthouse they find that Nina is long gone but they do find a sample of her blood over which Owen performs another religious rite causing it to burst into flames.



Fearing that at this rate the movie will be over really quickly one of the team accidentally drops it in an ashtray rendering it useless which means that the team must now get more blood straight from the source.



I have a feeling that this wont end well.

"Screams from mah mooth!"

Meanwhile outside the apartment block Jennifer's father (remember her?) has just arrived back from the all night chemist with a bottle of cough medicine for his daughter and is slightly annoyed to find that they police outside wont let him in.



Luckily (for the plot, not him obviously) a friend of Manu is on duty and sneaks him in the rear whilst no-one is looking.



At the same time three cheeky teens, Tito, Mire and Ori (Ros, Batllori and Poch sounding like the world's shittest comedy act) have sneaked into the building through the sewers and are currently wandering around the bloodsoaked lobby for no other reason than the writers reckoned we needed some other characters other than the faceless hazmat guys to identify with.



I mean Jennifer's dad and the fireman are no use seeing as they die almost immediately after entering the building.



Being the shortest Tito too is attacked and bitten and whilst trying to escape the terrified teens come across (tho' not literally - it's not that kind of movie) Owen and his squad who quickly lock Mire and Ori in a small cupboard before restraining Tito like a particularly mangy dog.



You see according to Owen the infected/possessed are all link psychically so they can use the unfortunate teen to track the elusive Ms Medeiros.



But where's Angela I hear you cry?



Well she's wandering about the apartment block in a daze still clutching her camera so as you can imagine she's quite pleased when she bumps into Owen and co. - even tho' they're all pretty grumpy - but the introductions are cut short when Tito ominously announces that Nina is "in the highest" and waiting for them.

This is how your mum and dad celebrate your birthday.

Owen figures out that this means that she must still be in the penthouse, which Angela agrees with mentioning that that's where she saw her last.



Owen is intrigued as to how Angela caught a glimpse of the demon but not them so she (helpfully) explains that she was viewing her thru' the camera.



Right on cue Tito announces that "the light blinds them from seeing the true path" which Owen deduces means that there are some things that can only be seen in the dark.



Look, it seemed to make sense at the time.



Heading back to the penthouse they quickly turn off the lights whilst turning on the camera's night vision which reveals a mysterious door leading to a hidden room containing a bath full of dark water.



As in the liquid not the 2002 Hideo Nakata horror movie.



As one of the team takes a closer look Nina leaps from the water and drags him in, disappearing as the lights are turned on.



Bored with the impromptu game of hide and seek Angela grabs a handy shotgun form the fallen team member and quickly flicks the lights off.



Then - quite surprisingly - shoots Nina in the face killing her.



Obviously.

Brexit in a nutshell.

Owen is understandably fairly annoyed by these turn of events and vents his anger at Angela who nonchalantly points out that with Nina out of the way they can all go home.



Owen - always the big man - refuses to comply, pointing out that with Nina dead they no hope that they can develop a cure to the possession virus.



This riles Ángela quit considerably to a point where she starts to beat Owen round the head with her fists but when Rosso - the last surviving group member - steps in to calm the situation down she shoots him too.



It seems that at the first films end Nina transferred the demonic entity to Angela via a huge slug she forced into her (very pretty) mouth in order to leave the building undetected.



Grabbing the radio from an incredulous Owen she mimics his voice and orders an immediate Evac team pointing out to them that the only survivor is a girl named Angela, Owen looks on in horror as she explains (in Owen's voice still - obviously) that he must remain as he too is infected and it'd be best if they just torched the place.



Killing Owen Angela slowly makes her way to the window where a rescue team are waiting.



When one of them asks how she managed to survive the now demonic Ángela looks toward the camera and smiles.....

Kicking off a matter of minutes after the climax of [REC] and in such a seamless way you could easily edit them both into one movie [REC] 2 takes the found footage approach of the first movie and adds a James Cameron twist.



And by that I don't mean unnecessary big blue people and an over important sense of self worth but a gritty Aliens vibe thanks to the use of Hazmat headcams and picture within picture to add even more dread and uncertainty to a film already drenched in the stuff and although this does at points take away from the originals gritty realness to be honest you're way to engrossed to care.



It's like hitting the top of a rollercoaster to find that whilst you were traveling up to it that they've actually added a new twist at the peak.



Yes there are no real characters to cheer for as much as you did with Manu and Pablo  (Dr. Owen being the exception) and it's true that certain folk seem to be there just to make up the numbers but you can't help but be caught up in the sheer madness of it all plus Balagueró and Plaza more than make up for any lack of character development by expanding the mythos of the [REC] universe; the demonic nature of the evil referencing everything from The Exorcist to Fritz Leiber’s Our Lady of Darkness via the metaphysical monsters of John Carpenters Prince of Darkness.



Well if you're gonna steal, steal from the best.



And it's this cocksure swagger that makes you a little excited (as opposed to groaning at the thought of another horror cash cow) when the movies ending is left open for a further sequel.

Manuela Velasco - pointing.

Unusually for such successful filmmakers tho' Balagueró and Plaza (well Plaza at least) decided that rather than just continue Angela/Nina's story that they'd listen to what the fans wanted.



And that was to know how Jennifer's dog Max fitted in to the whole story.

[REC]3: Genesis (2012, Spain).
Dir: Paco Plaza.
Cast: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martín, Ismael Martínez, Àlex Monner, Mireia Ros, Sr. B and Emilio Mencheta.

Spanish sweethearts Koldo and Clara (Martin and Dolera) are a newlywed couple heading to their wedding reception - being held in a huge mansion outside Barcelona - alongside their family and friends.



Documenting the day is Koldo's cousin Adrian (Monner) who is busying himself flirting with the bridesmaids whilst filming the guests in a hope of getting an amusing story or two.



Adrian's spot his uncle looking clearly unwell and after inquiring what's wrong discovers that a dog (named Max) he was recently treating had bitten him leaving him with a wee bit of a headache and a sore arse.



Well maybe not the last bit.

No catty captions as I genuinely love this pair.

Thinking nothing of it Adrian bids his uncle farewell and chases after the granite-jawed bridesmaid Natalie.



Later that evening the party is cut short when Adrián's uncle begins vomiting over the guests before stumbling over a balcony and crashing into the wedding cake.



Which means if nothing else Adrian can claim £100 off Harry Hill and the You've Been Framed team.



With all this cake/balcony based commotion going on the guests totally fail to notice the group Hazmat team and sundry police types beginning to circle the building.



As his wife approaches to help the now fully possessed uncle sits up and bites her (turkey-like) neck before spraying everyone near by with blood infecting them almost immediately and within minutes it's literally murder on the dancefloor as everyone runs for their lives.



And hopefully not get their rented tuxedos too messy.



After egg and sweat demonic vomit is the worst thing to get out of a suit jacket.



Trust me I know.

"Hello! It's the blind man!"

Amidst all the chaos and screaming Koldo and Clara are separated with Koldo ending up in the kitchen with Adrián, Clara's sister Tita, professional chubster Atun (Spanish Nick Frost Sr. B) and the MiLFy Menchu.



Accessing the buildings CCTV (and looking thru' the kitchen windows obviously) the group realise that they are surrounded, their only hope of escape being to crawl thru' the air-conditioning vents and hopefully make it outside and go for help.



Unfortunately due to his love of pies Atun wont fit so has to stay behind.



On a plus side he is in a kitchen so he wont get bored.



And by that I mean he can search for knifes to defend himself, not that he can sit and stuff his face, I'm not that mean.



After a series of hits, misses and violent bitings the group get separated with Adrián, Koldo and Tita coming across a small a chapel where a group of guests have gathered after discovering that the possessed can't enter due to it being the house of God and any that try can be held back with holy water.



Which is pretty lucky.



As the group sit around waiting for help the PA system crackles to life and Clara's voice fills the room.



She has a message for Koldo, she knows he's alive and wants to tell him she loves him and that she's pregnant.



It's all go isn't it?

Bridezilla!

Empowered with both the knowledge that Clara is alive and that he's going to be a dad our hero grabs a nearby suit of armour - and sword - and alongside a member of the buildings staff heads out to rescue his true love.



Back in the mansions control room, Clara and the priest from her wedding ceremony are in hiding, luckily she's not been idle as she's been having a chat with the priest regarding the nature of the infection whilst idly reciting chapters from the book of Jude.



Which probably explains why Clara is so keen to escape and attempt to find Koldo.



Climbing out thru' a window, she soon bumps into Koldo's pal Rafa and her friend Natalie but the reunion is short lived as they are soon surrounded by the possessed.



As they turn to run Clara notices that all the possessed have the same reflection.



That of Nina Medeiros.



Our priestly pal holds the creatures back with the power of prayer as the others escape, which would be all well and good if Koldo hadn't just arrived at the control room to rescue everyone only to find it empty.



As he turns to leave he notices in horror (and in grainy B&W CCTV imaging) as the remaining survivors from the chapel being attacked by the infected as they attempt to escape by coach.



Behind him on the office TV a newsflash reports the quarantine of an apartment block in Barcelona due to a mysterious outbreak, amongst those trapped inside is reality TV reporter Angela Vidal.



Much fighting, running and blood drenched screaming ensues culminating with Clara - armed only with a chainsaw and a bad attitude - facing down the demons in the tunnels beneath the venue.



As she hacks and slashes her way to safety the couples favourite song blasts over the PA system, Koldo is in the main hall and is sending her a message, cue more running and rampaging as the pair are finally reunited in the kitchen.



Which means that they can at least share some wedding cake.



Every cloud etc.



Their reunion is short-lived however as a swarm (do demons swarm?) of possessed guests attempt to break in, only stopped at the last minute when the priest begins to recite Bible verses over the P.A.



Result.



Slowly the couple make their way to freedom.



Being a [REC] movie things can't end well tho' and Clara is suddenly attacked by Koldo's grandfather who, being deaf as a post, is immune to the verse, a quick thinking Koldo severs Clara's arm with the chainsaw in order to quell the infection before taking her in his arms and continuing toward the line of police surrounding the building.



As they approach the cordon Clara begins to vomit blood and a devastated Koldo takes her in his arms to share one final kiss as the armed team surrounding them shouts orders for him to move away.



With an I love you Clara viciously bites Koldo's tongue out before attacking the armed team, who respond by shooting the couple.



As they lie dying Clara and Koldo reach out to take each other's hands....

(Wisely) dispensing with the camcorder/found footage vibe 20 minutes in [REC] 3 is a blackly comic, cartoonish tour de force that adds a slick, sick slice of 80s Lamberto Bava/Dario Argento Demoni polish to the proceedings, alongside a hint of Wilson Yip's Bio-Zombie at times.



And is all the better for it.



This time around Paco Plaza is alone in the directorial chair (Jaume Balagueró is credited as creative producer) which means that not only must it be a wee bit more comfortable for him to be able to sit properly as opposed to on his creative partners lap but we also get to see which one of the duo enjoys the scares and which the humour as [REC] 3 is by far the funniest - and blackest - of the series with some scenes of comedy grue that give Evil Dead 2 a run for it's money.



Tho' not Army Of Darkness which is a shame but there you go.



Sprinkled with callbacks to the previous movies as well as some genuinely funny visual gags - my favourite being the appearance of a children’s entertainer named Sponge John - in order to get by copyright-infringement claims - who ends up stuck in the suit as he's naked underneath) alongside a good few punch the air moments this change of pace reinvigorates the franchise whilst adding a few seriously spooky new tropes to the Nina Medeiros legend, the scene where we discover that the possessed all share the same reflection being particularly chilling.



Plus the aforementioned Tino Casal cover version of Eloise is worth the ticket price alone.

Leticia Dolera - She follows me on Twitter. Fact.

I unashamedly love [REC] 3 and you should too.



But there was to be no rest for the wicked (or possessed) because as all this wedding wrecking carnage was going down co-creator Jaume Balagueró was busy planning one last chapter in the [REC] saga.



And the return of Angela to the story.





[REC]4 : Apocalypse (2014, Spain)
Dir: Jaume Balagueró.
Cast: Manuela Velasco, Paco Manzanedo, Hector Colome, Ismael Fritschi, Críspulo Cabezas, Mariano Venancio, María Alfonsa Rosso, Carlos Zabala, Cristian Aquino, Emilio Buale, Paco Obregón and Javier Laorden.

Ángela suddenly awakes to find herself strapped to a table in a makeshift laboratory alongside the mysterious Doctor - is there any other kind? - Ginard (Obregón) who is testing her blood for signs of infection whilst questioning her on the events that unfolded in the apartment block.



Her memory hazy she's left alone as Ginard goes to consult his colleagues giving Ángela ample time to escape the lab coming across the hunky Guzman (Manzanedo) a surviving member of the extraction team and together the pair soon discover that they are on a boat miles from shore.



Apprehended by Doctor Ricarte (Colome) and his men he helpfully explains that they are a specialist team tasked with finding a cure for the virus and being out at sea means there's less chance of infecting the populance.



Which sounds pretty sensible if I'm honest.



Oh yes and he informs Angela that he blood is clear of infection.



Which is nice.

Your nan and her sexy lap dance yesterday.

To show that not all horror movie scientists are bad (yeah right) he introduces the duo to the ships captain Ortega (Venancio) - who it turns out is making his last voyage, that bodes well - alongside radio guy Nic (yet another Nick Frost alike Fritschi - I'm sure the casting director has a secret crush), who's a massive fan of Angela and swoons in her very presence.



Well he's only flesh and blood.



As a favour to his celebrity squeeze Nic attempts to recover the footage from Ángela's camera in order to help her remember what's happened but as he does so a power blackout caused by an oncoming storm hits the ship causing the cages holding monkeys infected with the virus to fail with one of them escaping.



The monkey, searching the kitchen for bananas attacks and infects the ship's cook who infects the ship's food supply, which in turn infects most of the crew.
This really doesn't bode well does it?



As you can imagine much boat-based carnage ensues culminating with Ricarte deciding to activate the "protocol" which will destroy the ship.



Just before he presses the big red 'blow shit up' button one of his assistants  informs him that they've recovered footage from Angela's camera showing  Medeiros infecting our heroine.



It seems so long ago.



Attempting to remove the slug via surgery, Ángela insists that she has no memory of the infection.

Jimmy Hill gettin' jiggy wid it.

Luckily before he can start to cut her open his assistant starts puking blood and attempts to bite him  which gives Ángela time to escape with Ricarte and his team quickly following in hot pursuit.



Well in a collection of lab coats and combat gear but you know what I mean.



His team attacked by the cook Ricarte hides in a storeroom only to be pounced on and bitten by Ángela in order to prove she's not infected.



Meanwhile Guzman, Lucas and Nic are busying themselves trying to restart the ships engines and find some weapons.



Tho' probably not in that order.



As they scan the rooms for the infected Nic discovers that Ángela is still alive and Guzman, being our designated hero type volunteers to go save her whilst Lucas and Nic head to the boiler room armed with a collection of hammers and a roll of duct tape.



Ricarte testing his own blood proves that Ángela was telling the truth but being a bad man is convinced that she is somehow masking the virus but as the conversation gets heated  Guzman bursts in.



It's not the happy reunion we all hoped for tho' as it turns out that during her rescue from the apartment Ángela passed the parasite onto (and into) him.



Obviously sick of all this plot heavy subterfuge and confusion Ricarte presses the ship self-destruct button and legs it to the lifeboats leaving Angela at the mercy of Guzman.

Rain in mah face.

With the surviving cast members all succumbing to the infected as the film rushes to its climax (the [REC] movies are nothing if short) we're soon back with  Nic who's found Ricarte covering in a lifeboat proclaiming to the world that Angela is as good as dead and only he will survive.

The thought of his fave celeb dying without signing his While You're Sleeping boxset is too much for Nic to bear so he promptly punches Ricarte into unconsciousness before rushing to Angela's aid armed only with a boat motor.

Which is a pretty good weapon when you think about it.

Surprisingly she's not too hard to find so the pair are soon making their way to the lifeboat only to be attacked by Guzman who is determined to re-infect Angela with the parasite (well she does have a prettier mouth) for, um, reasons but luckily thanks to a handy deep water fishing rod she is able to kill him/it/them before jumping into the sea as the boat explodes.

Phew.

As the pair swim to shore the demonic Parasite, throw from the boat in the explosion regains consciousness and lunges into a nearby fish's mouth.

Picking up directly from where [REC] 2 ended - and featuring a cameo from one of Koldo and Clara's wedding guests to boot - [REC) 4 is seen by many as an oh so slightly disappointing end to the saga and on first viewing you can kind of see why with the previous installments seeming to be leading toward something big, brash and, well, apocalyptic when effectively [REC] 4 is really a splice of Die Hard and Alien 3 on a boat.

With a wee pit of the original Resident Evil games thrown in for good measure.



The claustrophobic confines of the first two movies apartment block are replaced by the creaky ships corridors and the residents are now the ships crew and, following [REC] 3 we've moved away from the found footage genre into straight on horror thrills but it's still undeniably the same universe and it's genuinely exciting to see Angela back again.

Tightly edited, tautly plotted and with a scary roller-coaster of a final act it's a great little horror film, just not the balls-to-the-wall epic that the “Apocalypse” subtitle promised.

Which on further viewing is really not a bad thing, I mean yes it'd be great to see Spain overrun by the infected (and then maybe the world) but let's be honest with ourselves, it's been done before.

And the (relatively)  happy ending with Angela heading home to her apartment by taxi is fairly unique in horror terms.

And for a successful franchise of any kind to stretch itself and not just deliver the same old thing again to ever diminishing returns has to be applauded.

Manuela Velasco - High hair.

But if they do ever decide to make a fifth movie, the thought of a demonic parasite possessed shark flopping onto the beaches of Alicante vomiting infected fish blood onto passers by would be worth the admission price alone.



Well that and the sight of a bikini-clad, blood spattered Manuela Velasco fighting it off with a beachball obviously.



And if you're reading this Messrs Balagueró and Plaza you can have that for free.



So if you've never seen them - or had your fingers burned by the abysmal American remake "Quarantine" - then I suggest you do so immediately, grab a beer and some popcorn, turn off the lights and dive in.



I can't [REC]ommend them enough.



Sorry.

hairy nips and side sheds.

Just been chatting online about classic werewolf movies.

Obviously An American Werewolf In London, The Howling and The Beast Must Die! came up meaning that all this talk about hairy scares made me want to go back and revisit one of my personal faves.

So ladies and gentlemen let me present probably THE best werewolf movie ever made featuring not only the wonderful Dagmar Lassander but a star turn from that blonde woman who you might remember from bit parts in Truck Turner and Blood Orgy of The She Devils.



La Lupa Mannara (AKA Daughter of a Werewolf, Naked Werewolf Woman, She-Wolf , Werewolf Woman, 1976).
Dir: Rino Di Silvestro.
Cast: Annik Borel, Howard Ross, Dagmar Lassander, Tino Carraro and lots of other folk that I can't be arsed listing, except for the amusingly monikered Felicita Fanny for obvious reasons.

The place: a cow-pat covered field somewhere in Europe.

The time: Ye olden days - probably the early 70s by the state of the bush on show.

And I don't just mean the overgrow fauna circling the flaming pentagram that's been hastily drawn on the damp, muddy grass.

Obviously if you're a regular reader of this fine blog you'll know I'm making a childish reference to lady gardens.

In particular the one belonging to the top-lining (and topless) Annik Borel, who's currently dancing about in the all together and jiggling her lady parts like her life (or at very least her next mortgage payment) is counting on it.

But she is not alone.

Watching from the woods is a bunch of evermore nervous tinker types armed with flaming torches and pitchforks gazing in a mix of awe, terror and mild apathy as our buxom babe slowly transforms from a totally naked blonde 70s sexbomb into a blonde 70s sexbomb who appears to be wearing bits of carpet stuck to her body.

And black olives on her nipples.

Obviously.

The group surge forward, their weapons held tightly as Borel attempts to growl menacingly at the moon whilst dribbling thru' a set of comedy pound shop dentures.

In case you hadn't guessed this is indeed the naked werewolf woman of the title.

And unfortunately the only time we get to see her in all her hirsute glory, which by the state of the make-up isn't such a bad thing if I'm honest.

Obviously not wanting us to get too excited at the thought of a hairy woman eating a group of tramps (or spend any more money than he can get away with)  we abruptly jump forward 200 years (as in the movie does, it's not like some bizarre interactive Back To The Future style performance piece) to find a very sweaty (but thankfully clothed) Borel (as the very rich but oh so slightly mad Daniela Neseri) suddenly jump up in bed with a squeak.

You see, the poor girl suffers from a recurring nightmare caused by the fact that she believes she's the reincarnation of her ancestor who was burned at the stake for being a werewolf.

Which sounds a pretty legit if not really badly constructed bit of background story.

Not all of her family agree tho' especially her dad Count Tony Neseri (Carraro from Argento's The Cat o' Nine Tails) and sister Elena (Raven-haired Giallo goddess Lassander, obviously she had a new swimming pool to pay for) who think that the whole mentalist thing could be caused by her memories of being diddled by a dustbin man as a child.

Being a wee bit stubborn Daniela refuses their offers of help preferring to 'self-medicate' her violent desires by hiding in a wardrobe and fiddling with herself whilst watching her sister and hubbie having 'the sex'.

Tho' lets be honest, do you really need a reason (medical or other) to want to watch Dagmar Lassander getting naked?

"Laugh nowwwwwooooooooohhhhhh!"

Being the cuddly and caring types her family are all very supportive, occasionally nodding in a concerned manner whilst muttering that everything will be OK whilst scrubbing the stains off the woodchip wallpaper.

And to be honest everything's actually fine, until that is Daniela decides to lure her brother-in-law into the woods, start humping his leg then tear his throat out before tossing him off a cliff.

Oops.

With the Jeremy Kyle show cancelled due to the death of a guest, the family decide that it'd probably be for the best if they had Daniela committed to the local hospital, where seeing as she spends her days stripped naked and strapped to a bed, I'm assuming isn't BUPA affiliated.

It's not all nude bondage and bed-baths tho' as Daniela often passes the time shouting "whore" at her still mourning sister and hiding scissors under her pillow in case the mad lesbian patient from two doors up tries to sneak into her room for cuddles.



Sounds a brilliant place for a break if I'm honest.

I don't know what that is in her mooth but it's definitely not shite.

Daniela obviously doesn't think so because after a week she decides that she's cured and proves this by plotting a totally non-mental escape plan that involves hiding in a doctor's car, waiting for him to leave the hospital then smashing his face repeatedly against the steering wheel before driving off into the countryside to start a new life.



Which is nice.


Unless you're that poor doctors wife and kids obviously.

It's at this point that the movie bizarrely turns into a sleazy version of the old Michael Landon TeeVee show Highway To Heaven, only this time featuring a mad woman coming across (quite literally in some cases) the damaged dregs of society and killing them in a rage of sweat, screams and howls rather than that guy from Little House On The Prairie helping club-footed kids and single mums with shingles.

Tho' I can't imagine that it would have run for 12 seasons had it followed Rino Di Silvestro's storyline can you?

But our writer/director has another twist for us because just when you think the whole film has descended into poorly made - albeit fairly unique - (moderately) hairy woman kills tramps flick our heroine bumps into a hunky stunt-man (Howard Ross AKA Renato Rossini) named Luca and everything changes again.

Except her underwear obviously which by this point I could actually smell thru' the screen.

God may want you for a sunbeam but I just want to use your mouth as a toilet.

Picking up a hitch-hiking Daniela in his patented stunt-mobile, lovely Luca wins her over with his sensitivity, charm and respect for women, hairy or not.

Oh and with his ability to fall off tall burning buildings whilst dressed as a chicken obviously.

Prepare for a romance montage like no other as we see our beautiful couple frolicking on the beach, running thru' parks and gazing into each others eyes intercut with scenes of our stuntman hero crashing thru' windows, getting bottles broken on his head and the like before setting up home together on the actual movie set.

Which I'm sure is against union rules.


Anyone?

Somewhere to park your bike (and reuse old captions obviously).

Our lovers soon realize tho'  that a fake western town isn't the best place to raise a family so Luca pops down on one knee and asks Daniela if she would mind if he took her up the village.

To live that is.

She smiles (which frankly is much more terrifying without her false choppers in) and cries "Yes!" before falling into Luca's massively muscled arms for another wee bout of the love-making.

You see it appears that it only takes the love of a rugged, sensitive stunt-man to cure any woman of her latent lycanthropy.


Which kind of explains where I've been going wrong the last few years.

Doggy style.

At long last it looks like things could finally work out quite nicely for Daniela but you forget that this is a cheaply made Italian exploitation movie (albeit one with delusions of high art) so it wont come as too much of a surprise when I tell you that one day, whilst Luca is out buying a pint of milk and various Veet hair removal products from Superdrug a gang of very bad lads turn up at the studios looking for cheap booze and evil sex.

Will the Luca return in time or will Daniela - after getting roughly bummed by the bad men - become a werewolf and hunt down her three attackers like a (hairier) Charles Bronson?

Or will true love prevail?

Dagmar Lassander: Ask your granddad.

Thank you Rino Di Silvestro (AKA Axel Berger, Cesar Todd, R.D. Silver and your 'Uncle' Pete) for not only giving us such classic calls for tolerance and love as Deported Women of the SS Special Section, Women in Cell Block 7 and The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra but for following your dream and bringing this unique (yet oh so tedious) tale of love, sex, mental illness and furry nipples to the big screen.

A film that even after more than 30 years since my first viewing still holds a place in my heart as well as teaching me a valuable lesson in life.

When I was 12 years old I naively swapped a copy of the Video Network big box Betamax edition of Harry Novack's Axe for a dodgy VHS copy of La Lupa Mannara after being told that not only was it utterly terrifying but that it featured some top nude lady werewolf action as well as a scene where two girls stroked each others hair in a barn.

And I fell for it, hurriedly handing over Axe and excitedly running home, stopping only to buy crisps and Vimto ready for an evening of sheer terror.

And maybe, just maybe a glimpse of lady front bum, something at that point I'd only heard whispered about.

My friend Jamie had yet to obtain a copy of The Mad Foxes so the idea of men and women being different down below was pure hearsay.

But how was I managed to be duped so badly I hear you cry.

Well it's all down to the title the movie was released under in the UK.

You see over here it was called Naked Werewolf Woman.

Says it all really.

Bizarrely enough tho' the title change actually upset Di Silvestro more than the movies scathing (and in most cases hostile) reviews ever did seeing as he favoured the title The Lycanthrope, feeling that this was more in keeping with the movies serious arthouse aspirations.

No. really.

So imagine my disappointment, dear reader when what I ended up with wasn't actually the greatest, sexiest and hairiest movie ever made but a naked werewolf flick that singularly failed to deliver much in the way of either nakedness or werewolfism.

Ok I'll admit that it has an abundance of everything else you can think of; discussions on reincarnation, pseudo-scientific psycho-bollocks regarding lycanthropy as a side effect of sexual molestation, horny 70s Italian guys, revenge, tragedy and of course a stuntman years before Colt Seavers made it cool.

But that wasn't the point.

I don't think my 12 year old self ever recovered.



Come to think of it I'm still quite upset now.

I hope you're happy Rino.


Bastard.