more censorshit......

"Pull this one ya bastards!"

don't leave home without it.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 8)

Vanessa from Bee Movie.

slime time.

Bacterium (2006).
Dir: Brett Piper.
Cast: Alison Whitney, Benjamin Kanes, Miya Sagara, Chuck McMahon, Andrew Kranz, Shelley Dague and Jessica Day.

Invade, Infect, Mutate, Devour.
Then shite in mah mooth.
Obviously.

Opening with the bizarre sight of two guys in big white suits (obviously on a break from filming from The Crazies) involved in a helicopter chase with The Incredible Melting Man, the movie starts as it means to go on when melty bloke unfortunately crashes into a barn causing a massive explosion.

Off screen of course.

Scarpering before the parkie turns up, the bio-suit boys decide to cross their fingers and hope the scary green vial that the melting man was carrying was destroyed, rather than actually land and go check for themselves.

It seems that secret government agencies just can't get the staff these days.

Meanwhile in the local woods, two young couples are enjoying a friendly game of paintball(?).

Taking a break from covering each other in splatty sticky stuff, Lemon sucking bad boy Jiggs (Kanes - not the Rob Lowe character from Wayne's World, I think) and the bucktoothed blonde beauty, Beth (Whitney, star of Splatter Beach) happen across a seemingly deserted house and, reckoning that their other halves may be hiding inside (why? are they twelve?) decide to take a look around.

Almost immediately the come across mad as a bag of spanners Dr. Boskovic (McMahon, fresh from the car crash that was Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers), desperately trying to find a cure for the aforementioned green stuff from the movies opening sequence.

This is a Lowe.

Surprised to see a couple of young folk wandering around his house he quickly informs them that the place is surrounded by heavily armed black ops types with orders to shoot at anyone or anything that moves and that the safest thing to do would be for Beth to strip naked whilst he gasses her.

Right.

No need.

After a silly accident with a toothbrush and a cheese grater, Boskovic himself becomes infected by the grren goo he's tried so hard to find a vaccine for, and it's not long before he's shite-ing emerald slime from his mooth and pissing snot by the bucketful.

Meanwhile Brook (Sagara, possibly not the one on the Real Estate Board of New York) and soon to die Chandler (Kranz, definately not Matthew Perry) have also found the house meaning it's up to our four chums to stop the rapidly spreading alien gunk beasts without getting diced in the crossfire.

Just to add a wee bit more excitement to the plot, the fairly frisky general in charge of guarding/shooting up the house has decided that the only way to stop the creatures from infecting the earth is to explode a black hole bomb in the infected area.

Nope, nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

No sir.

Let's just hope some angry bikers don't turn up too.

I wouldn't want that with my liver and onions.

Ah, Brett Piper, a gossamer winged saviour of the trash movie genre lets loose another quality lo-fi epic onto a shiny DVD full of crappy CG-ed effects, big bogie monsters and a bit of totally gratuitous nudity for good measure.

His cast of non actors struggle gamefully to deliver pages of schlocky dialogue whilst a man in a painted binbag does his best to look threatening whilst pretending to scoff a pile of joke shop bones ALA the creatures from that 1966 Peter Cushing classic Island of Terror (well, I say classic but I really mean not bad....well, I say not bad...).

The creature attempts to give Shelley Dague
a pearl necklace as a peace offering.

Classic bits to savour include Beth's boyfriend getting killed off but no-one noticing, the already mentioned nude gassing and the dolls house under attack whilst a big greenie throws action men at it.

"Laugh noooooooooooooooow!"

And remember kids, there is an important environmental message in the movie which by default makes it worthy of praise.

I must be getting soft in my old age.

cinema's forgotten legends (part 15).

She's blonde, she's ballsy and she's never suffered from Bells Palsy, it's....

Barbara Crampton

Born on December 27, in 1862 (or 1658 depending on where you crib your info from), Babs spent her youth traveling across American and 'ye olde Europe' with her Carnie dad, Crispin 'Crocodlie' Crampton, the famous half man/half lizard trapeze artist and inspiration for the Batman villain Killer Croc.

Her father helped young Barbara develop her love for 'performing' and she was soon appearing with the Ken Roach Dwarfs in an exotically erotic human cannonball cum juggling (that means it's a mixture of the two, not that she juggled jism) act.

Giving up the circus life to attend college, Babs graduated with a Bachelorette of hearts degree in nude monster sex from Roy Castleton State College before moving to New York to take the title role in King Lear for the American Theatre of Terrifying Things.

After being chased out of town by angry Shakespeare purists she decided to lay low in sunny Los Angeles (tho' i've never been there so I can't say it's sunny for sure) where she went on to star in the horror classics Re-Animator (nude and being molested by a severed head), From Beyond (in bondage gear getting touched up by a monster) and Castle Freak (wearing a nice cardie).

Bubbly Babs: Hotter than Linda Hunt.

With roles in the such movies as Puppet Master (not as a puppet tho') and Fraternity Vacation (but only topless), Barbara's career was about to go stellar with her television debut in the daytime soap opera Days of our Lives, where she played Trista Evans Bradford and kept her clothes on.

Addicted to the drug that is a weekly pay check (and realising that there was no-one else on the planet that hadn't seen her naked) she joined the cast of The Young and the Restless, winning some award along the way.

But none of these parts involved her stripped and sweaty whilst tied to a bed being touched up by a monster so frankly we're not that interested.

Red for danger!

After a quickie marriage to ex Magpie presenter Tommy Boyd she made even more soap appearences (most famously on the lighthouse drama Guiding Light) before offing Boyd with a chair leg and swiftly getting engaged to L.A.-based actor and director Kristoffer (the voice of The Vulture in the hit video game Spider-Man: Web of Shadows) Tabori in April 1995.

But this relationship wasn't to last and, after finding her hubbie to be had been secretly directing shitloads of teevee stuff without giving her a role she called off the engagement.

With an axe to the head.

Luckily she'd recently joined the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful as Maggie 'finding' Forrester Warwick-Castle which gave her the alibi she needed to avoid the slammer.

"It's the blind man!"

When not appearing in rubbish or murdering her lovers, Crampton enjoys skiing, horseback riding and yoga as well as running (from the law), working out with weights, and enjoying going to flea markets and shopping for antique weapons.

tokyo a no-no.

for one night only....it's the mighty Cassatron's choice of movie.

Um....actually it's this one.....

Tho' this is also based on a true story.

Possibly.

Monster (Aka: Tokyo, 2008)
Dir:Eric Forsberg
Cast: Sarah Lieving, Erin Sullivan, a few (and I do mean a few) other folk, a large monster (allegedly) but definitely not Charlize Theron.

Or Christina Ricci.

Two environmentally friendly, yet disappointingly plain (the kinda girls you'd see serving on the meat counter in Morrisons), sisters; Sarah and Erin (Lieving - star of 666: The Child, and Sullivan from Transmorphers), are all set for a wee trip to Japan to make a documentary on climate change and stuff.

The politically correct pair enjoy a few days playing tourists (no pesky permits needed...yay!) before heading over to interview the Minster of the Environment (who appears to work in a cupboard and wear his dad's suit) , who assures the two women that Japan and her people love the environment and promise not to hurt it.

Suddenly Sarah begins to shake her camera and zoom violently around the room (don't worry tho', she's not having a stroke or even a bad case of the DT's), it is in fact a massive earthquake hitting the city and not, we repeat not, anything to do with the blurry, CGI turd half glimpsed writhing about in the background.

Yeah right, we believe you.

Effects!

Sarah and Erin are ushered into the basement by the building's security (unfortunately not to be locked in a crazy tentacle sex dungeon) where they pass a good twenty minutes chatting to some sweaty office workers in between sweatily reacting to the lights going on and off whilst someone showers them with dust before getting bored and heading out into the street.

Once outside Erin keeps pointing up at the sky and shouting "Look! A bloody big monster is destroying the city!" whilst Sarah keeps the camera pointed squarely at her sister.

At this point our heroines reckon it'd be best to head for an undercover shopping centre, away from the streets and somewhere they'll be no need (and no way) to CGI a monster into later.

Local.

Wandering aimlessly past the deserted stores, only stopping to occasionally to react to an explosive or scream from outside, the girls become quickly bored with looking at shoes and handbags so decide to try to get to the American Embassy.

Outside all is quiet and the streets are empty (lucky that) save for a few chucks of polystyrene, painted egg boxes and a few extras milling about in a bored manner. Without warning Erin screams and points as the hideous creature passes by and the girls (but not us because that would involve spending some money) see the beast in all it's tentacled glory for the first time.

"Oh no....I've got my woman's period".

Realizing that it's probably dangerous to be out in the streets (the monster, or more likely immigration may get them), the sobbing sisters quickly hide in some bins where they come across a few like-minded survivors who, in comedy broken English reveal that the Embassy (as well as the girls hotel and the nearest McDonalds) has been destroyed.

"You utter bastard Dad...
what do you mean it's not the
one with Charlize Theron in it?"
Cassidy is not impressed.

Sarah, obviously not enjoying sitting about in piles of rubbish with a group of rejects from Takeshi's Castle convinces Erin that they should really be hiding somewhere nicer, maybe with chairs, tables and maybe even food.

So, leaving the others behind they head to the nearest restaurant.

Annoyed at the lack of service, the dipsy duo have a look around the basement for any crisps or pop but to no avail. They do find an old man hiding in a cupboard brandishing a kitchen knife whilst shouting something in Japanese tho'.

You can feel their disappointment when they realize that he can't understand their pleas for food.

Just then the mans granddaughter appears....and as luck would have it she can speak 'the engrish'!

She explains that, due to a big monster attacking the city that the restaurant will be closed for a few days and that customers aren't really allowed in the basement.

Our heroines nod at each other and leave, just as a massive explosion (heard not seen) rocks the basement killing gramps and the girl.

Which is a pity seeing as she was twice as talented and much sexier than both the sisters combined.

"Sorry, I farted....and it smells of egg".

With most of Tokyo destroyed (allegedly) and no hope of rescue, Erin and Sarah walk aimlessly (yes there is a fair bit of aimless wandering in this film, both actual and metaphysically) thru' devastated streets and crowds of walking wounded, finally bumping into a man they meet in the bins earlier.

The happy reunion is shattered by the shrill noise of fighter jets flying overhead followed by loud explosions (which Sarah does actually managed to film!). A squad of soldiers pulling a cannon join the fight as rubble, empty beer cans and the contents of a kitchen drawer are thrown around them.

During the confusion Erin and Sarah are separated and the camera dropped.

Static and noise fill the screen.

The next time we see Sarah she's lying wounded against a car, her sister desperately comforting her as a big pixely worm waves unconvincingly behind them.

Check the shorts.

The movies ending reveals that the camera and tapes were found in the remains of the city and that the fate of the sisters is unknown.

Tho' I'd like to think they returned to their old jobs at Wallmart after unsuccessfully chasing their Hollywood dreams.

Monster!

Some would say that director Eric (Snakes on a Train, Night of the Dead: Leben Tod, Alien Abduction and War of the Worlds 2) Forsberg is a genius, taking the basic plot of the 'monster destroys city genre' and, unlike Cloverfield, which showed us the effects of such a crisis from the point of view of an individual at ground zero, bases the whole film around the said individuals telling us rather than showing us what is happening.

It takes a maverick of proportions rarely seen in modern cinema to even attempt something as groundbreaking as that.

Or a no-talent cheapskate with delusions of greatness prostituting himself by knocking out barely watchable rip-offs to make a fast buck?

Movie God or bearded charlatan?
YOU decide.

But saying that, what do you expect from a movie released by the infamous Asylum studios, makers of such quality fayre as The Day The Earth Stopped, Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls, The Da Vinci Treasure, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea and, um, The 9/11 Commission Report?

At least a wee bit of gore and gratuitous nudity, that's what.

Is that too much to ask from our Mockbusters?

Or was I upset that 'Monster' promised sweaty ladies running about in Japan being chased by a many tentacled monster yet didn't deliver what I expected?

It must be real, it's on the news.

At least no wee boys died so my Nan enjoyed it.

And yours might too.

The perfect antidote to every Gojira movie ever made (except Godzilla's Revenge), Monster is the perfect film for those with a heart condition, insomnia (the illness not the film) or anyone whose girlfriends refuse to watch scary films because they're too frightening.

You know who you are.

useful things to know (part 1).